' joe Cullers 

COMPLETE JEST BOOK: 



a a; 

«■ A COLLECTION 

ias 
lr 



MOST EXCELLENT BON MOTS, 
OBRILLIANT JESTS, and STRIKING ANECDOTES, 

IN THE 

ENGLISH LANGUAGE. 



LONDON : 
H. G. BOHN, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN, 

MDCCCLIV. 






rU»T 



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PREFACE. 



-.^celebrated comedian has lately furnished the 
1 «i)Hc with an account of the origin of Joe Miller's 
e«t Book, which, as it is not generally known, 
Miy not be unacceptable to the readers of the pre- 
ent volume. — He states, ' that Joe Miller, who 
Ms fathered all our jests for the last half cen- 
-iry, Jiever uttered a jest in his life. Though an 
ccetfent comic actor, he was the most taciturn 
nd Saturnine man breathing. He was in the daily 
habit of spending his afternoons at the Black Jack, a 
well-kno n public-house in Portugal-street, Clare 
Market, which was at that time frequented by most 
» f the respectable tradesmen in the neighbourhood, 
Uo, from Joe's imperturbable gravity, whenever 
/ktf risible saying was recounted, derisively ascribed 
itjio him. After his death,* having left his family 
unprovided for, advantage was taken of this badinage. 
H^Mr. Motley, a well-known dramatist of that day, 
vas employed to collect all the stray jests, then cur- 
rent on town. Joe Miller's name was prefixed to 
them, and from that day to this, the man who never 
uttered a jest has been the reputed author of every 
jest, past, present, and to come.' 

The original edition of Joe Miller, is the basis 
of the present publication : and no pains have been 

• His remains were interred on the east side of the Burial 
ground of St. Clements Danes, in Portugal Street, Clare 
Market ; where a stone stills marks the spot, and commemo. 
rates his virtues. 



spared to render the copious additions now made to 
that celebrated Collection of Jest* equally attractive. 
The brilliant sayings of the sages of antiquity, and 
the polished wit and broad humour of modern times, 
have alike contributed to enliven our pages. — Nume- 
rous publications have been examined for this pur- 
pose ; and many flashes of the lightning of speech 
conducted from the circles which they originally 
brightened. 

Upon examining the remarkable anecdotes which 
are interspersed throughout the volume, it will be 
found that they owe their admission to the power 
they possess of conferring amusement as well as 
information. 

We are aware that a jest may please one, which 
displeases another; make one laugh, while another 
keeps his countenance ; that the wit may in one 
respect seem fine, in another mean : for a jest has 
various perfections, which are not always found 
united ; and different readers may consider the same 
story from different points of view. — Though* we 
cannot, in every instance, hope to please all, yet we 
nave endeavoured to ward off censure, by carefully 
distinguishing true and genuine wit from that which 
is false and spurious* 

But in such a vast variety of subjects, the most 
fastidious, we are persuaded, will find much to ex- 
cite his mirth, and to enrich his mind ; while the 
lover of real humour will discover in every page an 
ample fund of entertainment 



JOE MILLER 



1. — When William Penn the Quakerwas brought 
before the Lord Mayor and Recorder for preaching, 
he insisted upon knowing what law he had broken — 
to which simple question the Recorder was reduced 
to answer ■ that he was an impertinent fellow, — and 
that many had studied 30 or 40 years to understand 
the law, which he was for having expounded in a 
moment.' The learned controversialist, however, was 
not to be silenced so easily ; — he quoted Lord Coke 
and Magna Charta on his antagonist in a moment, 
and chastised his insolence by one of the best and 
most characteristic repartees that we recollect ever 
to have met with — ' I tell you to be silent,' cried the 
Recorder in a great passion, ' if we should suffer you 
to ask questions till to-morrow morning you would 
be never the wiser.' — ■ That,' replied the Quaker, with 
immoveable tranquillity, ■ that is according as the 
ansxcers are.' — ' Take him away, take him away,' ex- 
claimed the Mayor and Recorder in a breath, ' turn 
him into the Bail Dock.' 

2. — When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his 
great room in York Buildings, which he intended for 
public orations, he happened at a time to be pretty 
much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming 
one day among them, to see how they went forward, 
ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and 
make a speech, that he might observe how it could be 
heard j the fellow mounting, and scratching his pate, 
3 



2 JOE MII.I.F.R. 

told him, he knew not what to say, for in truth he was 
no orator. * Oh !' said the knight, ' no matter for that 
speak any thing that comes uppermost.' — 'Why here, 
Sir Richard,' says the fellow, ' we have been working 
for you these six weeks, and cannot get one penny 
of money : Pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us r 
' Very well, very well,' said Sir Richard, ' pray come 
down, 1 have heard enough ; I cannot but own you 
speak very distinctly, though I don't admire yout 
subject.' 

3. — My Lord Craven, in King James the First's 
leign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which 
being told to Ben, he went to my Lord's house ; but 
being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes 
are, the porter refused him admittance, with some 
saucy language, which the other did not fail to return. 
My Lord, happening to come out while they were 
wrangling, asked the occasion of it ? Ben, who stood 
in need of nobody to speak for him, said, he under 
stood his Lordship desired to see him. 'You, friend,' 
said my Lord, ' who are you V — ' Ben Jonson,' replied 
the other. ■ No, no,' quoth my Lord, ' you cannot be 
Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman ; you 
look as if you could not say bo to a goose.' — ' Bo,' 
cried Ben. ' Very well ,' said my Lord , who was better 
pleased at the joke than offended at the affront, ' I am 
now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson.' 

4. — Mr. Bethel, 8JJ Irish barrister, when the ques- 
tion of the Union was in debate, and all the junior 
barristers published pamphlets upon the subject, 
thought fit to contribute his mite to the investigation, 
and take a literary shot at the subject, after abov 
fifty other pamphlets had already appeared ; which, 
of course, contained nothing very new upon the topic. 
Some days after its appearance, Mr. Lysaght met thi 
pamphleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and, in 
friendly way, said, 'Zounds! Bethel, T wonder yon 
never told me you had published a pamphlet on the 



JOE MILLER. 3 

Union : I never saw it till yesterday, by mere acci- 
dent.' — ■ Well ! and how did you like it V asked the 
author, with a smirk of eager curiosity. ' Like it !' 
said Lysaght ; ' the one I saw contained some of the 
best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon 
the subject.' — ' I'm very proud you think so,' said the 
other, rubbing his hands with satisfaction ; ■ and, pray, 
what are the things that pleased you so rauchV — ' Why,' 
replied Lysaght, ■ as I passed by a pastry-cook's shop 
this morning, I saw a girl come out with three hot 
mince-pies wrapped up in a sheet of your work, and 
that is more than I can say for any performance of 
your competitors.' 

5. — The late Counsellor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, 
who drudged in his profession till he was near 80, 
being a king's counsel, frequently went circuit as judge 
of assize when any of the twelve judges was prevent- 
ed by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow 
was convicted before him at Wexford for bigamy ; 
and when the learned counsel came to pass sentence, 
after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the 
nature of his uxorious crime, added, ' The only pun- 
ishment which the law authorises me to inflict is, 
that you be transported to parts beyond the seas for the 
term of seven years ; but if I had my will, you should 
not escape with so mild a punishment, for I would 
sentence you for the term of your natural life — to live 
in the same house with both your wives. 1 

6*. — When Garrick was last at Paris, Preville, the 
celebrated French actor, invited him to his villa. Our 
Roscius being in a gay humour, proposed to go in 
one of the hired coaches that regularly ply between 
Paris and Versailles, on which road Preville's villa 
was situated. When they got in, Garrick ordered the 
coachman to drive on ; but the fellow answered that 
he would do so as soon as he had got his complement 
of four passengers. A caprice immediately seized 
Garrick : he determined to give his brother player 



4 JOB MILLER. 

a specimen of his art. While the coachman was 
attentively looking out for passengers, Ciarrick slipped 
out at the door, went round the coach, and by his 
wonderful command of countenance, a power which 
he so happily displayed in Abel Prugger, palmed 
himself upon the coachman as a stranger. This he did 
twice, and was admitted each time into the coach as a 
fresh passenger, to the astonishment and admiration of 
Preville. Garrick whipped out a third time, and ad- 
dressing himself to the coachman, was answered in a 
furly tone, " that he had already got his complement," 
and would have driven off without him, had not 
Preville called out, that as the stranger appeared to 
be a very little man, they would, to accommodate the 
gentleman, contrive to make room for him. 

7. — Mr. Curran, that celebrated advocate, po? 
sessed perhaps a greater influence over the feelings of 
his auditory than any other professor of forensic elo- 
quence ever did, and has been frequently known, by 
the pathetic force of his oratory, and the inexhausti- 
ble fund of his wit and resistless humour, to keep the 
{"uries whom he addressed alternately in tears and 
aughter during the course of trial ; and yet, like 
other great wits, he has been frequently put down by 
an unexpected repartee from the most simple of those 
witnesses whom he endeavoured to badger by cross- 
examination. In an important cause, where a country 
schoolmaster, named Lilly, was a principal witness, 
and had given his direct testimony with all due 
gravity, arrayed in all the graces of syntax and pro- 
sody, Mr. Curran proceeded to cross-examine the 
witness, and began, with a familiar nod and an 
arch look, in the first sentence of Cordery's Collo- 
quies, * Salve, Claudi.' The schoolmaster imme- 
diately answered, 'Sis tu quoqve salmis Bernard eS 
This unexpected answer completely disarmed the 
barrister, and produced a general laugh at his ex- 
pense. 



JOE MILLER. 5 

8. — Perhaps in no senate, ancient or modern, did 
the cacoethes loquendi more inveterately prevail than 
in the parliament of Ireland. The speaking members 
•f that parliament were principally gentlemen at the 
bar, or those who had been educated 'to wage the 
wordy war* in that profession. Every thing was de- 
Dated, from a turnpike bill to the most important 
statute ; and the question rarely went to a division, 
until every orator, on each side of the house, had a 
speech at it. A question once came forward, in which 
it became necessary for the clerk to read a series of 
Toluminous documents, adequate in quantity to a pon- 
derous quarto ; and the forces on both sides, in full 
muster, were eager for action ; but felt that, if these 
aocuments were read through, there would be no op- 
portunity for discussion on that night. This difficulty 
produced a minor debate, which was on the point of 
splitting into half a dozen others, when Sir Boyle 
Roache, eminent for his proficiency in a peculiar 
species of Irish rhetoric, rose in his place, and said, 
• Mister Spaaker, if the house will only hear me, I 
think I can put an ind to all the diffiquilty about 
reading all them rig-me-rowl documents. I don't see 
the use of reading them at all at all ; for nobody will 
attind to them, if they be read : but, howsomever , if 
they must be read, we have only to call in all the 
committee clerks of the house, and let each of 'em take 
a document, and they can all read together. " Many 
hands make light work ;" and they'll get through all 
of them in a couple of hours.' This ingenious project 
of the worthy baronet, though it excited immoderate 
laughter, was not adopted. 

9. — A Methodist preacher, who was also a 
master-builder, felt no inconsiderable share of vanity 
in his talent for polemical controversy. He one day 
attacked the late Father O'Leary upon the celibacy 
of the Catholic priesthood, and asked him how it 
came that he and his clergy rejected the divine pre- 



JOE MIM.F.R. 

ept, 'increase md multiply ;' thus refusing to co- 
operate by contributing their part to the great struc- 
ture of society. ' Pray, friend/ answered the sacer- 
dotal wit, 'are not you a master-builder?' — ' Yes,' 
answered the Methodist. — ■ I suppose, then,' rejoined 
the priest, ' you act as your own bricklayer, stone- 
mason, smith, carpenter, slater, and painter.' — ' Oh ! 
no,' said the Methodist, ■ 1 never meddle with ham- 
mer, trowel, or brush -, I set others to work, and 
only superintend them.' — ■ Tis just so with us,' 
added the priest, • in the great building of society ; 
we set blockheads like you to work, never meddling 
with the tools ourselves, but merely superintend the 
business.' 

10. — A native of one of the Hebrides being joked 
about the smallness of his island, the most centrical 
place not being four miles from the sea, an Irishman 
in company joined in the laugh, exultingly swearing, 
* that no part of old Ireland was half so near it.' 

11. — A right reverend prelate, himself a man of 
extreme good-nature, was frequently much vexed in 
the spirit, by the proud, froward, perverse, and un- 
tractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after 
an absence much longer than usual, one day paid a 
visit to the bishop, who kindly inquired the cause of 
his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that he 
had been confined to his house for some time past 
by an obstinate stiffness in his knee. * I am glad of 
that,' replied the prelate, ■ 'tis a good symptom that 
the disorder has changed place, for 1 had a long 
time thought it immoveable settled in your neck.' 

12. — When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was called 
skyrocket Jack) was blown up at Spithead, in the 
Edgar, hcwas on the carriage of a gun, and when 
brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said 
with pleasantry, ' I hope, Sir, you will excuse my 
dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so 
great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself.' 



JOE MILLER. 7 

13. — Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, 
agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in 
case of either being wounded in an action then about 
to commence. It was not long before the English- 
man's leg was shot off by a cannon-ball ; and on 
asking Paddy to carry him to the doctor, according 
to their agreement, the other very readily complied ; 
but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his 
back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow's 
head. Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not 
perceived his friend's last misfortune, but continued 
to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An 
officer observing him with his headless trunk, asked 
him where he was going ? ' To the doctor,' says 
Paddy. — ' The doctor!' says the officer, ' why, block- 
head, the man has lost his head.' On hearing this, 
he flung the body from his shoulders, and looking at 
it very attentively, ■ By my own soul,' says he, * he 
told me it was his leg, but I was a fool to believe 
him, for he was always a great liar.' 

14. — An Irish gentleman being at Epsom races, 
and observing in the list of horses that started for 
the plate one called Botheram, took such a fancy to 
the name, that he betted considerable odds in his 
favour. Towards the conclusion of the race, his fa 
vourite was unluckily in the rear, on which he voci- 
ferated in so loud a key, as to drown every other 
voice, ' Ah, my lads, there he goes, — Botheram for 
ever! see how he drives them all bej ore him! Bo- 
theram for ever !' 

15. — Swift had some whimsical contrivances to 
punish his servants for disobedience of orders. The 
hiring of his maid-servants he left to his house- 
keeper, and that ceremony over, acquainted them 
that he had but two commands to give them, — one 
was to shut the door, whenever they came into a 
room ; the other, to shut the door after them when- 
ever they went out of a room. One of these maid- 



a jor muier. 

servants came to him one day, and requested per- 
mission to go to her sister's wedding, which was to 
be on that day, at a place distant about ten miles 
from Dublin. Swift not only consented, but said he 
would lend her one of his own horses with a servant 
to ride before her, and gave her directions accord- 
ingly. The maid, in her joy for this favour, forgot 
to shut the door when she left the room. In about 
a quarter of an hour after she was gone, the dean 
ordered a servant to saddle another horse, and make 
all the speed he could to overtake them, and oblige 
them to return back immediately. They had not got 
more than half way, when he came up with them, 
and told them the dean's positive commands ; with 
which, however reluctantly, the poor girl was obliged 
to comply. She came into his presence with the 
most mortified countenance, and begged to know his 
honour's commands. * Only to shut the door after 
you,' was the reply ; but not to carry the punish- 
ment too far, he then permitted her to resume her 
journey. 

16. — There was nothing Swift more disliked than 
being troubled with applications from authors to 
correct their works, and he generally had some whim- 
sical contrivance to make them repent of this, which 
being told, might deter others from the like. A poor 
poet having written a very indifferent tragedy, got 
himself introduced to the dean in order to have his 
opinion of it ; and in about a fortnight after, called 
at the deanery. Swift returned the play, carefully 
folded up, telling him he had read it, and taken some 
pains with it, and he believed the author would not 
find above half the number of faults that it had when 
it came to his hand. The poor author, after a thou- 
sand acknowledgments, retired in company with the 
gentleman who had introduced him, and was so im- 
patient to see the corrections, that he stopped under 
the hist gateway they came to, and to his utter asto- 



JOE MILLER. 5 

nisbment and confusion, saw that the dean nad taken 
the pains to blot out every second line throughout 
the whole play, so carefully as to render them quite 
illegible. 

17. — Two Irishmen, who had left the banks of 
the Shannon at the same time, once meeting in the 
streets of London, after the usual congratulations, 
inquired into each other's situation, and one of them 
said, ■ He had been so lucky as to be appointed 
master of the horse ; and pray, Patrick, what are 
you?' — ' Why, I have been still more fortunate, for 
I am under secretary of state.' — ' The devil you are ! 
but how so, Pat, when you can neither read nor 
write V — ' O faith, let me alone for that ; my master 
is a coal -merchant, and I keep the tally, and chalk 
up the numbers of the sacks as they pass under the 
gateway. Pray, Terence, how are you master of the 
horse V — ■ Why, I am assistant to the assistant of 
the hostler at the Golden-Cross, Charing -Cross, my 
dear.' 

18. — The servant of a naval commander, an Irish- 
man, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon 
which he ran to his master, ' Arrah, an plase your 
honour, can any thing be said to be lost, when you 
know where it is V — ' Certainly not,' replied the 
officer. — ' Why then, by my soul, and St. Patrick, 
the tea-kettle is at the bottom of the sea. 

19. — An Irishman who was sent on board of ship, 
and who believed in ghosts, inquired of his mess- 
mates if the ship was haunted. ' As full of ghosts 
as a church-yard,' replied they, * they are ten thou- 
sand strong every night.' This so terrified Pat, that 
whenever he turned into his hammock, he pulled his 
blanket over his head and face, so that from his 
knees downwards he was always naked and cold. — 
1 That there purser's a terrible rogue ! He serves 
out blankets that don't fit a man ; they are too long 
at top, and too short at bottom, for they cover my 
B2 



10 JOB MILLBR. 

head and cars, and my feet are always perished with 
cold. 1 have cut several slices off the top, and sewed 
on the bottom, and the devil a bit longer is it.' 

20. — A clergyman was reading the burial service 
over an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it 
was, on coming to that part of the ceremony which 
reads thus, ' our dear brother or sister,' the reverend 
gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped 
back, and whispering to him, said, ' Is it a brother 
or a sister?' Pat says, ' Friend, 'tis neither, 'tis only 
a relation.' 

21. — An Irish patient of some distinction, that 
was teazing Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and 
who had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him, 
he had frequently an itching, and begged to know 
what he should do. ' Scratch yourself, Sir,' replied 
Peter ; which laconic advice lost him his patient. 

2'2. — Two Irish labouring bricklayers were work- 
ing at some houses near Russell-square, and one of 
them was boasting of the steadiness with which he 
could carry a load to any height that might be re- 
quired The other contested the point, and the con- 
versation ended in a bet that he could not carry him 
in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building. 
The experiment was made : Pat placed himself in 
the hod, and his comrade, after a great deal of care 
and exertion, succeeded in taking him up and bring- 
ing him down safely. Without any reflection on the 
danger he had escaped, observing to the winner, 
* To be sure, 1 have lost ; but don't you remember, 
about the third story you made a slip— J wus then 
in hopes.' 

23. — A gentleman once appeared in the Court of 
King's Bench, %s surety for a friend in the sum of 
three thousand pounds ; Serjeant Uavy, though he 
well knew the responsibility of the gentleman, could 
not help his customary impertinence. ' Well, Sir, 
how do you make yourself to be worth three thousand 



JOE MILLER. 11 

pounds V The gentleman very deliberately specified 
the particulars up to two thousand nine hundred and 
forty pounds. ■ Aye,' says Davy, ' that is not enough 
by sixty.' — ■ For that sum,' replied the other, ■ I 
have a note of hand of one Serjeant Davy, and 1 
hope he will have the honesty soon to discharge it/ 
This set the court in a roar ; the serjeant was for once 
abashed, and Lord Mansfield said, ' Well, brother, I 
think we may accept the bail.' 

24. — An Irishman, swearing the peace against 
his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit : " And 
this deponent further saith, that the only one oi 
his children who showed him any real filial affection 
was his youngest son Larry, for he never struck him 
when he was down !" 

25. — A farm was lately advertised in a news- 
paper, in which all the beauty of the situation, ferti- 
lity of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed 
in the richest glow of rural description, which was 
farther enhanced with this — N. H. There is not an 
Attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood. 

26. — When Lord Chief Justice Holt was once on 
the Western circuit, a man was brought before him, 
and tried, cast, and condemned for a highway rob- 
bery. Being after this remanded to the town goal, 
he most earnestly requested to have a private in- 
terview with the judge. Holt, thinking he might 
have something of importance to communicate re- 
specting his accomplices, went to him in the prison, 
when the man, prefacing his speech, with saying, he 
felt some embarrassment at claiming acquaintance 
with him in such a situation, said, ' Sir, my real 
name is Smith, and I had the honour of being at 
college the same time that you were. Such a cir- 
cumstance I think you must remember.' — ' Indeed 1 
do,' said the Lord Chief Justice, * and I now see 
some remains of your face. — Pray what is become 
of our old companions, Tom, Dick, and Harry ?' — 



12 JOF. MILLl'.R. 

1 They are all hanged except you and V said tl>e 
poor man with a deep sigh. — 4 Oh, are they V said 
the judge, ' Why then I must try to get you a 
reprieve, that's all ; it may else be said, all our col- 
lege, except myself, were exalted from the bar to 
the gallows.' 

'27. — An officer had the misfortune to be severely 
wounded, in an engagement in the American war. 
As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who 
was also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in 
dreadful howls, which so irritated the officer, who 
bore his own in silence, that he exclaimed, ' D— n 
your eyes, what do you make such a noise for ? Do 
you think nobody is killed but yourself?' 

28. — A gentleman who had an Irish servant, hav- 
ing stopped at an inn for several days, desired, pre- 
vious to his departure, to have a bill ; which being 
brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to 
his servant's account, and questioned him about hav- 
ing had so many bottles of wine. ' Please your ho- 
nour,' cried Pat, ' to read how many they charge me.' 
The gentleman began, ' One bottle fort, one ditto, 
one ditto, one ditto.' — ' Stop, stop, stop, master,' ex- 
claimed Paddy, ' they are cheating you. I know I 
had some bottles of their port, but, by Jasus, I did 
not taste a drop of their ditto.' 
' c 29. — A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the 
dreadful conflagration of the theatre-royal, Covent* 
Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury-Lane, re- 
ceived a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know 
by the return of post, if it was he that was really burned 
or not. 

30. — An Irish counsellor having lost his cause, 
which had been tried before three judges, one of 
whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other 
two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were 
very mer ry on the occasion. * Well, now,' says he, ' at 
any late it was a bad cause, and 1 have lost no great 



JOE MILLER. 13 

things by it. — But who the devil could help it, when 
there were an hundred judges on the bench V — ■ An 
mindred?' said a stander-by, ■ there were but three.' 
— ' By Jove/ replied he, ' there were one and two 
cyphers.' 

31. — An Irish gentleman called at the General Post- 
office, and inquired whether there were any letters for 
oim ; the clerk asked for his address. — ' Oh !' said 
ne, ■ sure you will find it on the back of the letter!' 

A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few 
years ago, when a gentleman inquired for any letter 
for him. The clerk asked his name ; he replied, 
' What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask 
any gentleman's name 1 Give me my letter, that's all 
you have to do !' 

32. — An Irish labourer being told that the price of 
bread had been lowered, exclaimed, ' This is the first 
time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend.' 

S3. — An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite 
with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in these words 
every night when he went to his hammock : — ' God 
be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever 
killed me ; God bless the world, and success to the 
British navy.' 

34. — An Irish officer who had returned from the 
late expedition to Buenos Ayres, was entertaining a 
large company at dinner with a history of his ex- 
ploits, and the wonders he had seen j and among 
other strange sights he mentioned that he had seen 
five acres of anchovies growing. This no doubt sur- 
prised the company greatly, one of whom said, he 
had never in his life heard of anchovies growing 
before. As this remark insinuated a doubt of the 
narrator's veracity, he was instantly desired to turn 
out and explain. The parties accordingly went to 
the ground, and after exchanging a cool brace, the 

Hibernian exclaimed : ■ Och, by J s, I beg your 

pardon, it was five acres of capers I meant.' 



14 JOE MI II IK. 

35. — During the American w.ir, whilst Colonel 
Burgoyne commanded in Cork, he saw a corpulent 
soldier among the spectators on the parade, whom he 
addressed as follows : — ' Who are you, Sir] you must 
be drilled twice a day to bring down your corpora- 
tion. Who are yc \ Sir!' — 'Please you honour,' 
replied Pat, ' I am, Sir, the skeleton of the 5th regi- 
ment of foot, who has just marched over from Ame- 
rica.' The fact was so, for such was the carnage of 
the disastrous war, that only this fat soldier and Capt. 
Webb returned to Europe, out of a full regiment that 
landed in America. 

36. — An Irish footman having carried a basket of 
game from his master to a friend, waited a consider- 
able time for the customary fee, but not finding it 
likely to appear, scratched his head, and said, ' Sir, 
if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gen- 
tleman give you, what would your honour have me 
to tell him V 

37. — An Irishman, on board a man of war, was 
desired by his messmates to go down and fetch a can 
of small-beer ; Teague, knowing that preparations 
were making to sail, absolutely refused. ' Arrah, 
my soul,' said he, ' and so when I am gone into the 
cellar to fetch beer, the ship will sail away and leave 
me behind.' 

38. — An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the 
portraits of the Scottish kings in Ilolyrood house, 
observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful ap- 
pearance, while his son was depicted with a long 
beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. 
• Sancta .Maria,' exclaimed the good Hibernian, 'is 
it possible that this gentleman was an old man when 
his father was born ! ! !' 

39. — An Irish gentleman, perceiving that one of 
the great branches of an apple-tree in his garden, 
had been by some accident entirely blasted, was de- 
termined to lop it off. To effectuate his puipose, the 



JOE MILLER. 15 

shrewd son of St Patrick mounted the tree, and got 
across the withered branch, and began very deliber- 
ately to saw off betwixt himself and the main trunk. 
The withered branch, being nearly cut through, gave 
way, and down tumbled the gallant Hibernian, not 
a little stunned by the fall, and considerably bruised 
by the weight of the incumbent branches, but still 
more astonished at the mystery of this inexplicable ac- 
cident ! 

40. — An Irishman being asked which was oldest, 
he or his brother, 'I am eldest/ said he, ' but if my 
brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of 
an age/ 

41. — A fellow walking through the Old Bailey, 
at the time of execution, when an Irishman was at 
the point of being turned off, inhumanly bawled out: 
'Are you there, I always said you would come to be 
hanged !' — ' You are a liar,' replied Pat, 4 if it was 
the last word I had to say ! I did not come, I was 
brought.* 

42. — A gentleman crossing the water lately below 
Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price of coals 
in the pool, hailed one of the labourers at work in 
a tier of colliers, with ' Well, Paddy, how are coals?' 
— ' Black as ever, your honour/ replied the Irish- 
man. 

43. — An English labourer in Cheshire attempting 
to drown himself, an Irish reaper, who saw him go 
into the water, leaped after him, and brought him 
safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second 
time, the reaper a second time got him out ; but the 
labourer being determined to destroy himself, watched 
an opportunity and hanged himself behind the barn 
door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered 
to cut him down ; when several hours afterward, the 
master of the farm-yard, asked him, upon what 
ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there? 
1 Faith/ replied Patrick, ' I don't know what you 



16 JOE MILLER. 

mean by ground : I know I was so good to him that 
I fetched him out of the water two times— ami L 
know, too, he was wet through every rag, and 1 
thought, he hung himself up to dry, and you knuu- t 
1 could have no right to prevent him.' 

44. — A gentleman describing a person who often 
visited him for the sole purpose of having a long 
gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stu^-maker. 

45. — Dr. Sheridan, the celebrated friend of Swift, 
had a custom of ringing his scholars to prayers, in 
the school- room, at a certain hour every day. The 
boys were one day very devoutly at prayers, except 
one, who was stifling a laugh as well as he could ; 
which arose from seeing a rat descending from the 
bell-rope in the room. The poor boy could hold out 
no longer, but burst into an immoderate fit of laugh- 
ter, which set the others a going, when he pointed 
to the cause. Sheridan was so provoked that he de- 
clared he would whip them all if the principal cul- 
prit was not pointed out to him, which was immedi- 
ately done. The poor pupil of Momus was immedi- 
ately hoisted, and his posteriors laid bare to the rod ; 
when the witty schoolmaster told him, if he said any 
thing tolerable on the occasion, as he looked on the 
>oy as the greatest dunce in the school, he would 
forgive him. The trembling culprit, with very little 
hesitation, addressed his master with the following 
beautiful distich : 

There was a rat, for want of stairs, 
Came down a rope — to go to prayers. 

Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and instead of 
a whipping gave him half a crown. 

46. — A gentleman having engaged to fight a 
main of cocks, directed his feeder in the country, 
who was a son of the Sod, to pick out two of the 
best, and bring tfoim to town. Paddy having made 
his selection, put the two cocks together into a bag, 



JOE MILLER. 17 

and brought them with him in the mail-coach. When 
they arrived, it was found upon their journey they 
had almost torn each other to pieces ; on which 
Paddy was severely taken to task for his stupidity, 
in putting both cocks into one bag. ' Indeed/ said 
the honest Hibernian, ■ I thought there was no risk 
of their falling out, as they were going to fight on 
the same side.' 

47. — In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, 
Esq. a banker, and member for Dublin, rendered 
himself so very obnoxious to the rebels, in conse- 
quence of his vigilance in bringing them to punish- 
ment, that whenever they found any of his bank-notes 
in plundering a house, the general cry was : * By 
Jasus ! we'll ruin the rascal! we'll destroy every 
note of his we can find :' and they actually destroyed, 
it is supposed, upwards of 20,000/. of his notes dur- 
ing the rebellion. 

48. — Two Irishmen went a little way into the 
country, to see some of their friends, and drinking 
too freely, they were much in liquor. Their friends 
would fain have persuaded them to stay all night, 
but they were determined to go home. They set out 
accordingly ; but, before they had got a mile, one of 
them took a reel, and fell flounce into a ditch. The 
other hearing him fall, called out, * Patrick, if you are 
dead till me!' — ■ No, honey/ says Patrick, 'I am 
not dead, but I'm quite speechless.' 

49. — An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentle- 
man, was met by his nurse, who requested charity. 
The baronet exclaimed vehemently, • I will give you 
nothing. You played me a scandalous trick in my 
infancy/ The old woman, in amazement, asked him 
what injury she had done to him 1 He answered, ■ I 
was a fine boy and you changed meV 

50. — ' I will save you a thousand pounds/ says 
an Irishman to an old gentleman, ' if you don't stand 
in your own light/ — ' How V — ' You have a daugh- 



IH JOE MI LI. 1. 11. 

ter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a 
marriage portion.' — 'I do.' — * Sir, I will take he 
with nine thousand.' 

51. — A gentleman inquiring his way to the cha- 
pel of a celebrated dissenting minister in the vicinity 
of the metropolis, received the following direction i 
' Go straight forward till you come to the turnpike, 
then take the left hand road, and you will presently 
arrive at a large building like a church, and on the 
top of it you will see a figure exactly resembling the 
reverend doctor himself.' — On arriving before the 
building, he found it surmounted with a weathercock. 

52. — Whilst living at Newstead, Lord Byron once 
found a human skull, of large dimensions and parti- 
cular whiteness. He concluded that it belonged to 
some ■ jolly old soul' of a friar, who had been do- 
mesticated at Newstead, in the good lazy days of 
popery ; and saw no harm inhuming the cranium of 
this second * Tuck' into a drinking goblet. He ac- 
cordingly sent it to London, where it was carefully 
and elegantly mounted. On its return to Newstead, 
he instituted a new order at the old Abbey, and con- 
stituted himself Grand Master or Abbot of the Skull. 
Black gowns were procured for the members (twelve 
in number), the Grand Master's being somewhat 
distinguished from the rest, and at certain times a 
chapter was held. Upon these occasions, the skull, 
being filled with claret, was handed about amongst 
the gods of this consistory, in imitation of the Goths 
of old, whilst many a grim joke was cut at the ex- 
pense of this inspiring caput mortuum. The goblet 
is now in the possession of Colonel Wyndham. The 
following lines were inscribed upon it by Byron : — 

Start not — nor deem my spirit fled : 

In me behold the only skull, 
From which, unlike a living head. 

Whatever flows is never dull. 



JOE MILLFIi. 19 

I liv'd, I lov'd, 1 quaff 'd like thee ; 

I died ; let earth my bones resign : 
Fill up— thou can'st not injure me, 

The worm hath fouler lips than thine. 

Better to hold the sparkling grape, 

Than nurse the earthworm's slimy broody 

And circle in the goblet's shape, 

The drink of gods, than reptile's food. 

Where once my wit perchance hath shone, 

In aid of others let me shine ; 
And when, alas ! our brains are gone, 

What nobler substitute than wine ! 

Quaff while thou can'st — another race, 
When thou and thine like me are sped, 

May rescue thee from earth's embrace, 
And rhyme and revel with the dead. 

Why not? since through life's little day 
Our heads such, sad effects produce, 

Redeem'd from worms and wasting clay, 
This chance is theirs — to be of use. 

53. — ■ The mortality among Byron's mistresses,' 
said the late Lady A— 11, ' is really alarming. I think 
he generally buries a first love every fortnight.' — 
* Madam,' replied Curran, the Irish barrister, ' mis- 
tresses are not so mortal, as every one who has to 
deal with them unhappily knows. The fact is, my 
Lord weeps for the press, and wipes his eyes with the 
public.' 

54. — On reading some lines in the newspapers, 
addressed to Lady Holland, by the Earl of Carlisle, 
persuading her to reject the box bequeathed to her 
by Napoleon — beginning, 

■ Lady, reject the gift/ &c. 
Lord Byron immediately wrote the following parody : 
' Lady, accept the gift a hero wore, 
In spite of all this elegiac stuff; 
Let not seven stanzas written by a bore 
Prevent your ladyship from taking snuff/ 



20 JOE MILLER. 

55. — The Hon. Mr. Skeffington had written a tra- 
gedy, called ' The Mysterious Bride,' which was 
fairly damned on the first night. A masquerade took 

5 lace soon after this fatal catastrophe, to which went 
ohn Cam Hobhouse, as a Spanish nun, who had 
been ravished by the French army, under the pro- 
tection of Lord Byron. The Hon. Mr. Skeffington, 
compassionating the unfortunate young woman, asked, 
in a very sentimental manner, at Byron, 'Who is 
she V — ■ The Mysterious Bride.' This was a rap on 
the teeth to the unfortunate author. 

56. — On a traveller lamenting that the rocks of 
Meillerie, rendered sacred by Rousseau's connecting 
them with the loves of St. Prieux and Julie, should 
have been cut away to form a road, Rocca replied, 
with true nationality, ■ La route vant mieux que les 
souvenirs,' — ■ a good road is better than any recollec- 
tions.' 

57. — The courier bringing a letter from England, 
in which the death of his old physician Polidori was 
stated — Lord Byron remarked : • I was convinced 
something very unpleasant hung over me last night 
— I expected to hear that somebody I knew was dead ; 
so it turns out — who can help being superstitious? — 
Scott believes in second sight, Rousseau tried whe- 
ther he would be damned or not by aiming at a tree 
with a stone, Goethe trusted to the chance of a 
knife's striking the water whether he was to succeed 
in some undertaking.' He might also have men- 
tioned Swift, who placed the success of his life on 
the drawing a trout he had hooked out of the water. 
Byron on another occasion observed, ' Several extra- 
ordinary things have happened on my birth-day ; so 
they did to Napoleon ; and a more wonderful cir- 
cumstance still occurred to Marie Antoniette. — At 
my wedding, something whispered me, that I waa 
signing my death-warrant. At the last moment I 
would have retreated if I could have done so. — I am 



JOB MILLER. 21 

& great believer in presentiments. Socrates' demon 
was no fiction ; Monk Lewis had his monitor, and 
Bonaparte many warnings.' Byron had also a belief 
in unlucky days ; he once refused to be introduced 
to a lady, because it was on a Friday the introduc- 
tion was to take place, that day having been, for 
some reason or other, most innocently cursed in the 
superstitious calendar. On this same ■ ill-starred* 
day he would never pay visits. 

58. — Isaac BickerstafT says, * One might wear any 
passion out of a family by culture, as skilful gar- 
deners blot a colour out of a tulip that hurts its 
beauty.' To his uncle, who was very superstitious, 
and fed crickets, Lord Byron ascribed his supersti- 
tion ; to another of his ancestors who died laughing, 
he ascribed his buoyant spirits. Two of his ances- 
tors also had such a love for each other, that they 
both died almost at the same moment. ■ There 
seems,' he says, ■ to have been some flaw in my es- 
cutcheon there, or that loving couple have monopo- 
lized all the connubial bliss of the family.' 

59. — Percy S , who made no secret of his in- 
fidelity, and whose spirits it was thought no danger 
could ever appal, was once in a dreadful storm off 
St. Fiorenzo, — there appeared no chance of escape, 
and the horrors of approaching death made him weep 
like a child. Those names which he never before 
pronounced but in ridicule, he now called upon in 
moving accents of serious prayer, and implored the 
protection of that Being, whose existence he affected 
to disbelieve. The vessel, however, was miracu- 
lously preserved from impending destruction, and 

when the danger was over, Percy S came from 

his cabin like a spectre from the tomb. — ■ Ah !' he 
exclaimed to a friend, ' I have tasted so much of 
the bitterness of death, that I shall in future en- 
tertain doubts of my own creed.' A glass of rum 
and water, warm, raised his drooping spirits, and 



22 JOE MILLF.R. 

in twenty-four hours he was the same free-think- 
i n lt . thankless dog as ever ; thus verifying the old 
distich : — 
• The devil was sick — the devil a monX would be, — 
The devil got well — the devil a monk was he/ 

60. — Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher), whose 
taste, a little superior to that of most modern Greeks, 
looked to ' elegant comforts,' grievously excited his 
master's ire, by observing, while Byron was examin- 
ing the remains of Athens : — * La me, my Lord, 
what capital mantle-pieces that there marble would 
make in England.' 

61. — Rogers, when a certain M. P. wrote a review 
of his poems, and said he wrote very well for a banker, 
wrote, in return, the following : 

* They say he has no heart, and I deny it : 
He has a heart, and — gets his speeches by it.' 

62. — Several young gentlemen, who were very 
fond of private theatres, once got up a play at 
Cambridge. On the day of representation one of 
the performers took it into his head to make an 
excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hob- 
house came forward to apologize to the audience, 

and told them that a Mr. had declined to perform 

his part, &c. The gentleman was highly indignant 
at the 'a,' and had a great inclination to pick a 
quarrel with Scrope Davies, who replied, that he 

supposed Mr. wanted to be called the Mr. so and 

so. He ever after went by the name of the ' Definite 
Article.' 

63. — The present Lord Chancellor remarked of a 
young barrister who had just made a speech of more 
poetry than law, ■ Poor young man, he has studied 
the wrong Phillips.' 

64. — A Frenchman, having a violent pain in his 
breast and stomach, went to a physician for relief. 
The doctor, .inquiring where his trouble lay, the 






JOE MILLER. 23 

Frenchman with a dolorous accent; laying his hand 
on his breast, said, ' Vy, sare, I have one very bad 
pain in my portmanteau* (meaning bis chest). 

63. — Several boys who had been admiring (in a 
print-shop window) the portrait of Paganini, on turn- 
ing from the object of their attraction, beheld, as 
they imagined, the original himself. — They immedi- 
ately exclaimed, ■ Here's Paganini ! Here's Paganini !' 
— a crowd instantly collected — the figure, which bore 
a striking resemblance to the celebrated violinist, 
particularly in the exuberance of his hair, commenced 
a retreat, and finally escaped in a hackney-coach ; 
but not until he had been recognised as a well- 
known pulpit orator. The effect of this incident 
was evident on the following Sunday, when the reve- 
rend gentleman appeared like Samson shorn of his 
1 boist'rous locks.' 

66. — According to a tradition in the Greek church, 
it appears that the devil paid repeated visits to Noah, 
when he set about building the ark, for the purpose 
of ascertaining by what means and of what materials 
he constructed it. But, the patriarch keeping his 
own counsel, as enjoined from on high, Satan called 
in tobacco to his aid, made poor Noah drunk with 
it, and in this way wormed his secret from him. 
Thus armed, the devil availed himself of the shade 
of night, to undo what Noah had done by the light 
of day ; and hence it arose that the building of the 
ark extended over so long a period. Ever since that 
time, saith the tradition, God has laid a heavy curse 
on tobacco. 

67. — While reviewing his troops, Bonaparte was 
one day suddenly accosted by an officer, who, stepping 
from the ranks, complained that he had been five 
years a lieutenant, without having received any pro- 
motion. — The emperor coolly replied, ' I was a lieu- 
tenant myself foi seven years, yet you see to what a 
man may rise by perseverance !' 



t\ JOB MILLER. 

<>R. — ■ What's the matter?' inquired a passer by 
observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, 
whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on 
board an outward bound whale ship, from which he 
had deserted, * Matter ! matter enough,' exclaimed 
the delinquent, ■ pressing a poor negro to get oil. 1 

69. — The captain of a vessel just arrived in the 
harbour of New York, directed one of the crew, an 
Irishman, to throw the buoy overboard. He was 
then stepping into his cabin. On his return, the 
captain inquired if his order had been obeyed. The 
Irishman, with great simplicity replied, ' I could not 
catch the boy, but I threw overboard the old cook.' 

70. — A young Scotchman thus describes his in- 
terview with a celebrated orator, to whom he carried 
a letter of introduction. — " I found him in his study, 
sitting on a sofa, apparently absorbed in meditation, 
his right leg thrown over his left knee, with his right 
arm rigidly extended. To this arm I advanced, 
making my best bow ; but I was favoured with no 
sign of recognition ; no muscle moved, no fibre re- 
laxed. A fear of giving offence prevented me from 
speaking, and, gently insinuating my letter between 
his fingers, I retired to the door, which I held ready 
for my retreat. After waiting about a quarter of an 
hour, in silent wonderment, he suddenly started into 
life and activity — with a violent jerk threw my letter 
unopened into a corner of the room — stalked to the 
window — seized upon an unfortunate wasp, (pro- 
bably its first visit also) — and crushed it to death. 
This second Polyphemus now advanced to me with 
the mangled remains of his victim between his finger 
and thumb, exclaiming in a voice of thunder, ' Do 
you know, Sir, why 1 have done that?' — ' No, Sir,* 
I replied. — ■ To get rid of it — as I wish to get rid of 
you,' was the response. — It need scarcely be added, 
that I threw the door wide open, and ran down stairs, 
to avoid impending fate." 



JOE MILLER. 25 

71. — While at the court of Bornou, in the interior 
of Africa, nothing appears to have annoyed Major 
Denham so much as to be told he was of the same 
faith as the Kerdies or savages, little distinction 
being made between any who denied the Koran. 
After a long discussion of this question, he thought 
the validity of his reasoning would be admitted, 
when he could point to a party of those wretches 
devouring a dead horse, and appealed to Boo Khal- 
loom, if he had ever seen the English do the same : 
but to this, which was not after all a veiy deep theo- 
logical argument, the Arab replied, ■ I know they 
eat the flesh of swine, and God knows, that is worse.' 
— ■ Grant me patience !' exclaimed I to myself, ' this 
is too much to bear and to remain silent/ 

72. — The late king George III., in his walks about 
his farms, was often alone, and many pleasant little 
incidents occurred on meeting with rustics, to whom he 
was sometimes unknown. One day he had to pass 
through a narrow hedge-gate, on which sat a young 
clown, who showed no readiness in moving. "Who are 
you, boy V said the king. " I be a pig boy," answered 
he. " Where do you come from ? Who do you work 
for here f — " I be from the low country ; out of work at 
present." — " Don't they want lads here V' said the king. 
" I doan't know," rejoined the boy, " all belongs here- 
abouts to Georgy." — " Pray," said his Majesty, " who 
is Georgy ?"— " He be the king, and lives at the Castle, 
but he does no good to me." His Majesty immediately 
gave orders at his farm hard by, to have the boy em- 
ployed ; and when he saw him, told him to be a steady 
lad, and " Georgy" might do some good for him. 

73. — The alleged origin of the invention of cards, 
produced one of the shrewdest replies ever given in 
evidence. It was made by the late Dr. Gregory of 
Edinburgh, to a counsel of great eminence at the 
Scottish bar. The doctor's evidence went to prove 
the insanity of the paity whose mental capacity was 



interrogation he ad- 

ii io question played admirably 

at \s ■• riously say, doctor,' said 

nsel, ' that a person having a supe- 

10 difficult, and which re- 

M-nt degree, memory, judgment, 

and combination, can be at the same time deranged 

in In V — ' I am no card-player,' said 

it address, 4 but I have read in 

ils were invented for the amusement 

ine ting.' The consequences of the reply 

were 

74. — I iik following bill was actually furnished to 
a citizen of Dublin, a few years ago : 

Mr. Fullam, E 

Dr. to James Rickard, Shoemaker. 

licking an«! .I.iry - £0 g 2 

trapping and welting Misa Sully - 14 

iinding and lien - 8 

_ a few stitches in .Miss Charlotte 2 

75.— in being lately held to bail for 

i mutatory language respecting the Reform 

lobably in the line of 

-to promote business, he wished to 

b in Hertfordshire, a short time 

appeared, upon 

nts : One of the overseers 

lixty -three the year ; an item in 

account was for a sum of money 

unt y rati. This caused a good 

in which no one joined more 

<• who immediately after- 

lunt, in which there was a 

a man 'minded, 

career, was a favourite 

at \ and having applied to the 



>MLLF.R. 27 

manager for a remuneration equal to the increased 
value of his services, he refused the request, adding, 
4 li you are dissatisfied you are welcome to leave 
me ; such actors as you, Sir, are to be found in every 
bush.' On the evening of the day when this collo- 
quy occurred, the manager was driving to another 
town, where he intended ■ to carry on the \ 
when he perceived Liston standing in the middle of 
a hedge by the road-side. ■ Good heavens, Liston,' 
cried the manager, ' what are you doing there !' — 
' Only looking for some of the actors you toid me 
of this morning,' was the reply. 

78. — A happy pair, in smart array, 
holy church united, 
From London town, in open shau, 
Set off, by love incited. 

The day was dull as dull could be, 

So (dreaming of no pun) 
Quoth John, 4 I hope, my dear, that we 

May have a little sun.* 

To which his bride, with simple heart, 

Replied ('twas nature taught hi 
■ Well ! — I confess— for my own r>art, 

I'd rather have a daughter V 

79. — Joe Milter, sitting in the window at the 
Sun Tavern, in Clare-street, while a fish woman was 
passing by, crying, ' Buy my soals, buy my maids !' 
' Ah ! you wicked old creature !' said Joe, * are you 
not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell 
your maid's too?' 

80. — Although the infirmities of nature are not 
proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet when people 
take a great deal of pains to conceal what every body 
sees, there is nothing more ridiculous : of this sort 
was old Cross the player, who being very deaf, did 
not care any body should know it. Honest Joe 



MILLER. 

th a friend one day along Fleet-street, 
and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, 
told his acquaintance he should see some sport ; so 
ross with his finger, and stretching 
open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed 
to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came 
puffing from the other side of the way ; ' What the 
deuce,' said he, ■ do you make such a noise for ? do 
you think one can't hear V 

81. — \ man was saying one day at the 

Tilt-yard Coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly 
hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. 
ons, Sir,' said an old campaigner, who stood by, 
1 who's that ? I have heard of all the generals in 
Europe but him.' 

8'2. — Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of 
Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John 
Culler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, 
and asked him what he should do to prevent the ruin 
of his estate ? * Live as I do, my lord,' said Sir John. 
— ' That I can do,' answered the Duke, ' when I am 
ruined.' 

83. — The great Algernon Sidney seemed to shew 

very little concern at his death ; he had, indeed, got 

<• friends to intercede with the king for a pardon ; 

but when it was told him, that his majesty could not 

prevailed upon to give him his life ; but that, in 

urd to his ancient and noble family, he would 

,t part of his sentence, and only have his head 

cut off; ' . be, ' if his majesty is resolved 

id, he may make a whistle of my tail, 

if he 

8*.— I v clergyman, meeting a neighbour 

v^ho never came to church, although an old fellow 
of at urn some reproof on that 

account, and asked, if he never read at home 1 ■ No,' 
replied the clown, * I can't read.' — ' I dare say,' said 
the parson, ' you don't know who made you V — 



JOE W/LLER 29 

Not I, in troth/ cried the countryman. A little 
boy coming by at the same time, ' Who made yon, 
child V said the parson. ■ God, Sir,' answered the 
boy. ' Why, look you there,' quoth the honest 
clergyman, ' are you not ashamed to hear a child 
of five or six years old tell me who made him, when 
you, that are so old a man, cannot?' — ■ Ah !' said 
the countryman, ' it is no wonder that he should 
remember ; he was made but t'other day, it is a 
great while, measter, since I war made.' 

85. — Henry IV. of France, reading an ostentatious 
inscription on the monument of a Spanish officer, 

* Here lies the body of Don, &c. &c. &c. who nevef 
knew what fear was.' — ' Then,' said the king, ' he 
never snuffed a candle with his Angers.' 

86. — A French marquis, being one day at dinner 
at the late Sir Roger Williams's, the famous punster 
and publican, was boasting of the happy genius of 
his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and 
fashions, particularly the ruffle, which he said, was 
de fine ornament to de hand, and had been followed 
by all de other nations. Roger allowed what he 
said, but at the same time, that l\>e English, accord- 
ing to custom, ' had made a great improvement upon 
their invention, by adding the shirt tj it.' 

87. — A certain nobleman, a courier, in the be- 
ginning of a late reign, coming out of the House 
of Lords, accosted the Duke of BucVingham with, 

* How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome 
times V To which his grace replied, ' I never go into 
my kitchen ; but I dare say the scum is uppermost.' 

88. — My Lord Strangford, who stammered very 
much, was telling a certain bishop that sat at his 
table, ■ that Balaam's ass spoke because he was 
pri — est — ' ■ Priest-rid, Sir,' saidavalet-de chambre, 
who stood behind the chair, ■ my lord would say — ' 

* No, friend,' replied the bishop, ' Balaam could not 
speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him.' 



30 »B MM. 11 H 

v*a' saying, not at all to the pur- 

that BoiBSOO wa very strong man. ' Ay/ 

>ut you AiO much stronger, for you 

him in by the head and 

should 

boasting in company 
that Ik- bid ov< l perfection. 'There is one 

ire quite without, 1 said one who was by, 'and 
man wntef 
PI. — Muii km \ \<-i LO| in his picture of the Last 
Judgment, in the Pope's chapel, painted among the 
hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his 
like, that every body knew it at first sight : 
i the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement 
VII. ot the alFront, and desiring it might be defaced ; 
a know very well,' said the Pope, ' 1 have power 
liver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell.* 
Henry VI 11. designing to send a No- 
bleman on an embassy to Francis 1. at a very dan- 
gerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, 
such a threatening message to so hot a prince as 
>t go near to cost him his life. ' Fear 
not,' said (dd Harry, ' if the French king should offer 
ike away your life, I would revenge you by tak- 
ing off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my 
power.' — ' But of all these heads,' replied the noble- 
man, * there may not be one to fit my shoulders.' 

sermon being preached in acoun- 
imrch, all tell a weeping but one man; who 
■ d why he did not weep with the rest ? 'Oh !' 
said Km mother parish.' 

Iiman and a Welshman disputing 

in whose country was the best living; said the 

h noble housekeeping in 

i above a dozen cooks em- 

Bg dinner.'- ' Ay,' answered the 

because every man toasted 



JOE MILI 31 

95. — A rou ntr y fellow, who was just come to Lon- 
don, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last 
looked into a scrivener's, where seeing only one man 
sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commo- 
dity was sold there ; but calling to the clerk, ' Pray, 
Sir, 'said he, 'what do you sell hereV — ' Loggerheads,' 
cried the other. * Do you V answered the country- 
man ; ' egad, then vou've a special trade ; for 1 see 
you have but one left.' 

96. — A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon 
Ludgate-hill, said, he had occasion tor a small quan- 
tity of very fine lace, and having pitched upon that 
he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much 
she would have for as much as could reach from ot.e 
of his ears to the other, and measure which way she 
pleased, either over his head or under his chin. 
After some words, they agreed, and he paid the 
money down, and began to measure, saying, ' One 
of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the pil- 
lory in Bristol, therefore 1 fear you have not enough 
to make good your bargain ; however, 1 will take this 
piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest 
with all expedition.' 

97. — 1 he emperor Augustus being shewn a young 
Grecian who very much resembled him, asked the 
young man. if his mother had not been at Rome, 
1 No, Sir,' answered the Grecian, ' but my father has.' 

98. — The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a 
great contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, 
for Jervais the painter ; and being one day about 
twenty miles from London, one of his servants told 
him at dinner, ' that there was Mr. Jervais come that 
day into the same town with a coach and four.' — 
' Ay,' said Sir Godfrey, 'if his horses draw no bettei 
than himself, they'll never carry him to town again.' 

99. — Diogbni .as was the custom among 

many philosophers, asked a prodigal man for more 
than any one else ; whereupon one said to him, ' I 



32 JOL Ml rER. 

•ee your business, that when you find a liberal mind, 
you will make the most of him.' — • No,' said Dio- 
genes, ' but I mean lo beg of the rest again.* 

100. — A Scotchman was very angry with an Eng- 
lish gentleman, who he saul had abused him, and 
called him false Scot, ' Indeed,' said the Englishman, 
■ I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.' 

101. — A gentleman* coming to an inn in Smith- 
field, and seeing the ostler expert and tractable about 
the horses, asked how long he had lived there, and 
what countryman he was. ' l's Yorkshire,' said the 
fellow, * an ha lived sixteen years here.' — ' I wonder/ 
replied the gentleman, ■ that in so long a time, s« 
clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come U 
be master of the inn yourself !' — ' Ay,' answered the 
ostler, - but maister's Yorkshire too.' 

—The late colonel Chartres, reflecting on his 
ill life and character, told a certain gentleman, that 
if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he 
would freely give ten thousand pounds for one. The 
nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money 
he ever laid out in his life. 4 Why so V said the 
honest colonel. ' Because,' answered the lord, ■ you 
would forfeit it again in less than a week.' 

103. — Among the articles exhibited to king Henry 
by the Irish against the earl of Kildare, the last con- 
cluded thus : * And finally, all Ireland cannot rule 
the earl.' — ' Then,' said the king, * the earl shall 
rule all Ireland ;' and so made him deputy. 

10 >.- ind and charitable divine, for the 

benefit of the country where he resided, caused a 

large causeway to be begun : and as he was one day 

work, a certain nobleman came by : 

* Well, doctor,' said he, ' for all your great pains and 
charity, I don't take this to he the highway to Hea- 
ven.' — 'Very true, my lord,' replied the doctor; 

* for if it had, I should have wondered to have met 
your lordship here.' 



JOE MI1.I.F.R. 33 

105. — Two Jesuits having packed together an in- 
numerable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who 
heard them, without taking upon him to contradict 
them, told them one of his own : that at St. Alban's 
there was a stone cistern, in which water was always 
preserved for the use of that saint, and that ever since, 
if a swine should eat out of it, he would instantly die. 
The Jesuits hugged themselves at the story, set out 
the next day to St. Alban's, where they found them- 
selves miseiably deceived. On their return, they up- 
braided the person with telling them so monstrous a 
story. ' Look you there now,' said he, ' you told me a 
hundred lies t'other night, and I had more breeding 
than to contradict you : I tokl you but one, and you 
have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is very 
uncivil.' 

106. — A \Yi i-hman and an Englishman vapour- 
ing one day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the 
Englishman said, there was a close near the town 
where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if 
a kiboo was thrown in over- night, it would be so 
covered with grass, that it should be difficult to find 
itthenextday. ' Splut,' says the Welshman, * what's 
that 1 There's a close where hur was born, where you 
may put your horse in over night, and not be able to 
find him next morning.' 

107. — King Chari.es II. being in company with 
lord Rochester and others of the nobility, Killigrew 
came in. ' Now,' says the king, ■ we shall hear of our 
faults.' — ' No, faith,' says Killigrew, ■ 1 don't care to 
trouble my head with that which all the town talks of.' 

108. — One telling another that he had once so ex- 
cellent a gun, that it went off immediately upon a 
thief s coming into the house, although it was not 
charged. ■ How the devil can that be ?' said the other. 
* Because,' said the first, ' the thief carried it off ; and 
what was worse, before I had time to charge him 
with it/ 

C2 



34 MR. 

ding in the pillory at 
1 a stop, so that i caiman 

uitl. i much ado to pass ; and 

pillory, b« asked, what that 

iead I They told aim, 
,;v hi> crime . that be itood there 
id he, ' what is forgery V — They 
bin that forgery was counterfeiting ano- 
ther's hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the 
an replied, looking up at the offender, ' Oh, pox, 
omesof your writing and reading, you silly dog/ 
110 — Jul - when on the bench, told an 

old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had 
a conscience as long as his beard. ' Does your lord- 
ship,' replied the old man, ' measure consciences by 
beards'? If so, your lordship has none at all.' 

111. — Sir Godfkfy Knh.i.hi, the painter, and the 
Dr. Elatcliffe, had a garden in common, but with 
one gate. 'rey, on some occasion, ordered 

the gate to be nailed. When the doctor heard of it, 
not care what Sir Godfrey did to the 
gate, so he did not point it. This being told to Sir 
:rey, ' Well,' replied he, ' I can take that or any 
thing else but physic, from my good friend Dr. Rat- 
lin. — A philosopher carrying something hid 
under his cloak, an impertinent fellow asked him what 
he had under his cloak ? To which the philosopher 
answered, ■ I carry it there, that you might not know.' 
icf Justice Jefferies had a cause 
before him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a 
defendant. The latter pleaded, though the 
n had no right, by the 
laws <1, to bririL ' Well,' says 

ao other p!< my lord,' 

said he, ' ! this plea.' — ' Do you,' says my 

!1 you, you are the greatest Jew 



JOE M U.LER 35 

11 J. — Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern 
pretty merry, a link-boy cried, ■ Have a light, gentle- 
men V — ' Light yourself to the devil, you dog,' said 
one of the company. ■ Bless you, master,' replied the 
boy, ' we can find the way in the dark ; shall we light 
your worship thither V 

115. — The duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays 
and romances, in king Charles the Second's time, 
asked Bishop Wilkins, how she could get up to the 
world in the moon, which he had discovered ; for as 
the journey must needs be very long, there would be 
no possibility of going through it, without resting on 
the way 1 ' Oh, madam,' said the bishop, * your grace 
has built so many castles in the air, that you cannot 
want a place to bait at.' 

116. — An Englishman going into one of the French 
ordinaries in Soho, and fiiding a large dish of soup 
with about half a pound of mutton in the middle of 
it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his 
coat ; at which one of the monsieurs, being much 
surprised, asked him what he was going to do 1 * Why, 
monsieur,' said he, ' 1 mean to strip, that I may swim 
through this ocean of pon idge, to yon little island of 
mutton.' 

117. — A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor 
at Oxford, not having wherewithal to buy a new pair 
of shoes, when his old ones were very bad, got them 
capp'd at the toes ; upon which, being bantered by 
some of his companions, ' Why should they not be 
capp'd V said he ; ' I am sure they are fellows.' 

1 18. — THEStandersby.to comfort a poor man, who 
lay on his death-bed, told him, he should be carried 
to church by four very proper fellows. ' I thank ye,' 
said he, ' but I had much rather go by myself.' 

119. — When poor Daniel Button died, one of his 
punning customers being at his funeral, and looking 
on the grave, cried out, 'This is a more lasting 
Button-hole than any made by a tailor.' 



30 WILLI k. 

—One asking a painter how he could paint 
such prett his pictures, and yet get such 

homely children ! ' Because,' said he, 4 1 make the 
first by day-light and the other in the dark.' 

KM.— A obntlbman calling for small beer at 
another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, gave 
it the servant again without drinking. ■ What,' said 
i.ister of the house, ' do not you like the beerV 
' It is not to be found fault with,' answered the other, 
1 for one should never speak ill of the dead.' 

asking another, which way a man might 
use tobacco to have any benefit from it ; * By setting 
up a shop to sell it,' said he ; ' for certainly there is 
no profit to be had from it any other way.' 

-Bl N JoMtOM being one night at the Devil 
Tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, 
who interrupted all other discourse with an account 
of his land and tenements; at last Ben, unable to 
it longer, said to him, ' What signifies your dirt 
and clods to us ? where you have one acre of land, I 
if wit ' — ' Have you so,' said the coun- 
ian, ' good Mr. Wiseacre l 1 This unexpected re- 
e from the elown struck Ben quite mute for a 
' Why, how now, lien V said one of the corn- 
on seem to be quite stung.' — * I never was 
so prick'd by a hobnail before,' replied he. 

extravagant young fellow, rallying a 

il country 'squire, who had a good estate, and 

spent but little or it, said, among other things, ' I'll 

int you, that plate-buttoned suit was your great 

gran «: lid the other, 'and I have 

my great grandfather's lands too.' 

ys overtaking a wag- 
goner on the road, and thinking to break a joke upon 
SSked him. why his fore horse was so fat. and 
the rest m. ><: waggoner knowing them to be 

I hat his fore horse 
was a lawuer, and the rest were his clients.' 



JOE MILLER. 37 

126. — A gentleman having sent for a carpenter's 
servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fel- 
low, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, 
he hoped the gentleman would give him something 
to make him drink. ' Make you drink,' said the gen- 
tleman, ' there's a pickled herring for you ; and if 
that won't make you drink, I'll give you another.* 

1^7. — A sharper seeing a country gentleman sit- 
ting alone at an inn, and thinking something might 
be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took 
the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced 
himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, 
1 Do you smoke, Sir?' — * Yes,' says the gentleman, 
1 any one that has a design upon me.' 

128. — A certain country farmer was observed 
never to be in good humour when he was hungry ; 
for this reason his wife was careful to watch the time 
of his coming home, and always have dinner ready 
on the table. One day he surprised her, and she had 
only time to set a mess of broth ready for him, who 
soon, according to custom, began to open his pipes, 
and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he 
was about, burnt his mouth to some purpose ? The 
good wife seeing him in that sputtering condition, 
comforted him as follows : ' See what it is now, had 
you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you would 
not have burnt your mouth, John.' 

l c 29. — A harmless country fellow having com- 
menced a suit against a gentleman that had beat down 
his fences, and spoiled his corn, when the assizes 
drew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to 
keep out of the way. ' Well,' says the fellow, ■ I'm 
resolved I'll go up to town, and the king shall know 
it.' — ' The king know it,' says his landlord, who was 
an attorney, ' prithee what good will that do you, if 
the man keeps out of the way?' — ■ Why, Sir/ says 
the poor fellow, ■ I have heard you say, the king 
could make a man a peer at any time.' 



• 

piper travelling in Poland, 

opei: ;e, and sat down to 

lid grace, but three 

.ut him ; to one he threw bread, to 

was gone ; at length 

l nd began to play, at which 

v. 'The de'el saw me,' said 

an I had kenn'd you lo'ed music sa weel, 

ould have ha'en it before dinner/ 

11. \ii -ving Cicero, the Roman 

offing manner, who was his father? 

lied, * I by mother has made that question 

thee to answer.' 

A PHIL080PHBB being asked, why learned 

ented rich men's houses, but rich men sel- 

learnedl answered, 'That the first 

liiey want, but the latter do not.' 

d Bail, being about to 
a cornetcy in a regiment of hor>e, was pre- 
:he colonel for approbation, who, being a 
tared he did not like the name, and 
e no Halls in his regiment : * Nor powder, 
• id the gentleman, ' if your lordship could 
i it.' 

Mn. Pope being at dinner with a noble 

, had his own servant in livery waiting on him ; 

him, 4 Why he, that eat mostly at 

•mid be such a fool as to 

p a fellow in livery to laugh at him V — 'Til 

j hut one to laugh at 

ioui to keep 

lor the late 

eijeant told his captain that he had got him 

man. « Ay,' says the captain, 

' prithee v. — ' A butcher, Sir,' replies the 

honour will have double service 

wo iheep stealers in the company 



JOE MIIJ.FR. 39 

136. — In a cause tried at the King's Bench, a 
witness was produced who had a very red nose, and 
one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being de- 
sirous to put him out of countenance, called out to 
him, after he was sworn, ■ Well, let's hear what 
have to say, with your copper nose.' — ' Why, Sir,' 
said he, * by the oath I have taken, I would not ex- 
change my copper nose for your brazen face.' 

137. — An old cavalier told a great rumper, that 
he saw his master Oliver hanged, and he stunk 
horribly. ' Ay,' said the la.-t, ' no doubt but he 
stunk after he had been dead so long, but he would 
have made you stink if he had been alive.' 

133. — Some scholars, on a time, going to steal 
coneys, by the way they warned a novice am* 
them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling their 
game ; but he no sooner spied some, but he cried out 
aloud, ' Ecce coniculi multi.' Whereupon the coi 
ran away with all speed into their burrows: upon 
which his fellows chiding him, ' Who the devil,' 
says he, * would have thought that the coneys un- 
derstood Latin?' 

139. — A parson thinking to banter an honest qua- 
ker, asked him, where his religion was before George 
Fox's time? ■ Where thine was,' said the quaker, 
4 before Harry Tudor's time. — Now thou hast been 
free with me, added the quaker, 'pray let me ask 
thee a question : — Where was Jacob going when he 
was turned of ten years of age 1 Canst thou tell 
thatV — ■ No, nor you neither, 1 believe.' — ' Yes, I 
can,' replied the quaker, ' he was going into his 
eleventh year, was he notV 

140. — Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her 
garden, who had not felt the effect of her favours so 
soon as he expected, looking out of her window, said 
to him in Italian, ■ What does a man tnink of, Sir 
Edward, when he thinks of nothing V After a little 
pause, he answered, ' He ihinks, Madam, of a uo- 



40 JOE MILLER. 

*i promise.' D shrunk in her head, but 

was heard to say, 'Well, Sir Edward, 1 must not 

, <>u : anger makes dull men witty, but it 

j><>or.' 

1 U. — Win n the late Dauphin of France said to 

iua Duke of Roquelaure, * Stand farther off, 

•iclaurc, for you stink.' The duke replied, 'I 

our pardon, Sir, 'tis you that smell, not I.' 

in king Charles the Second's 
time, who had paid a tedious attendance at court for 
a place, and had a thousand promises, at length re- 
solvrd to sec the king himself; so getting himself 
introduced, he told his majesty what pretensions he 
had to his favour, and boldly asked him for the place 
then vacant. The king hearing his story, told 
him he had just given the place away ; upon which 
the gentleman made a very low obeisance to the king, 
and thanked him extremely, which he repeated often. 
The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called 
him again, and asked him the reason why he gave 
him such extraordinary thanks, when he had denied 
his suit ? ' The rather, please your majesty,' replied 
gentleman, ' because your courtiers have kept 
me waiting here these two years, and gave me a 
thousand put-offs, but your majesty has saved all 
that tronbl nerously given me my answer at 

once.' — ' ( the king, ' thou shalt 

'lie place for thy downright honesty.' 

utees, if, strictly speaking, they 
are not to I under the head of jests, yet, 

the thought, and the politeness 
of th icwhat better. Of this sort 

ide by Sir Robert Sutton to the 
king him at a review 
of hi*> tall grenadiers, if he would say, an equal num- 
them : ' No, Sir,' an- 
swer. I won't pretend to say that, but 
I believe hnlf the number would <?!/•' 



JOE MILLLR. 4 

144. — It was a beautiful turn given by a great 
lady, who, being asked, where her husband was. 
when he lay concealed for having been deeply con- 
cerned in a conspiracy, resolutely answered, she had 
hid him. This confession drew her before the king, 
who told her, nothing but her discovering where her 
lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. 
1 And will that do V says the lady. — ' Yes,' says the 
king, ' I give you my word for it.' — ' Then,' says 
she, * I have hid him in my heart, there you '11 find 
him.' Which surprising answer charmed her ene- 
mies. 

145. — A countryman in the street inquiring the 
way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard him, 
said, he 'd shew him presently. ' Do but go across 
the way,' said he, ' to yon goldsmith's shop, and 
move off with one of those silver tankards, and it 
will bring you thither presently.' 

146. — Lord Faulkner, author of the play called 
The Marriage Night, was chosen very young to sit in 
parliament ; and when he was first elected some of 
the members opposed his admission, urging, that he 
had not sown all his wild oats. ■ Then,' replied he, 
1 it will be the best way to sow them in the house, 
where there are so many geese to pick them up.' 

147. — A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at 
table over against the learned John Scot, asked him, 
what difference there was between Scot and sot? 
1 Just the breadth of the table,' answered the other. 

148. — The late Mr. Philip Thicknesse, father of 
Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his 
son for assistance. This being denied, he immediately 
hired a cobler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's 
house, and put up a sign -board, on which was inscribed 
in large letters, " Boots and shoes mended in the best 
and cheapest manner by Philip Thicknesse, father of 
Lord Audley." The consequence of this may be easily 
imagined ; the board did not remain there many dayg. 



I Miti.ru. 

-. ptiest in a rich abbey in Flo- 
nan's son. caused a net to be 
I table in his apartment, to put 
him in mind of his original. The abbot dying, this 
mbled humility procured him to be chosen ab- 
which, the net was used no more Being 
11, he answered, there is no occasion 
for the net, now the fish is caught 

l.»0. — Sib Thomas More, the famous chancellor, 
who preserved his humour and wit to the last mo- 
ment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, 
tht.' headsman demanded his upper garment as his 
Ah ! friend,' said he, taking off his cap, ' that, 
I think, is my upper garment.' 

1)1 — Thru or four roguish scholars walking 

out one day from the University of Oxford, espied a 

poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a ditch, with 

an ass by him laden with earthenware, holding the 

bridle in his hand : says one of the scholars to the 

' If you will assist me, I '11 help you to a little 

money, for you know we are bare at present.' No 

t of it they were not long consenting. ' Why, 

I he, 'we'll go and sell this old fellow's 

•i ; for you know the fair is to-morrow, 

and we shall meet with chapmen enough : therefore 

panniers off, and put them upon my 

; that bridle over my head, and then lead 

and let me alone with the old 

.ugly, in a little time 

mgely surprised 

( )li! lor God's 

sake.' said the scholar, ' take this bridle out of my 

mouth, and this load from my back.' — ' Zoons! how 

lied the old man. — ' Why,' said 

father, who is a necromancer, upon an idle 

:n, transformed me into an 

ass; but now hi nted, and I am come 

to my owi _ .mi, I beg you will let me go 



JOE MILLER. 43 

home and thank him.' — * By all means,' said the 
crockery merchant, ' I do not desire to have any thing 
to do with conjuration :' and so set the scholar at 
liberty, who went directly to his comrades, who by 
this time were making merry with the money they 
had sold the ass for. But the old fellow was forced 
to go the next day to seek for a new one in the fair; 
and after having looked on several, his own was 
shewn him for a good one : ' Oh !' said he, ' w hat, 
have he and his father quarrelled again already ? No, 
no, I '11 have nothing to say to him.' 

152. — An Irish soldier once returning from battle 
in the night, marching a little way behind his com- 
panion, called out to him. ' Hollo, Pat, I have 
mtck'd a tartar!' — ' Bring him along then ! bring 
him along then !' — ' Aye. but he won't come.' — 
1 Why then come away without him.' — ' By Ja^us, 
but he won't let me !' 

1 bo. — Cato, the Censor, being ask'd, how it came 
to pass, that he had no statue erected for him, who 
had so well deserved of the commonwealth \ ' I 
had rather,' said he, ' have :his question ask'd, than 
Why I had one V 

154. — An Irish officer, travelling in company with 
a bald gentleman, had desired the waiter of the inn 
where they put up the first night, to wake him early 
in the morning, as he had some letters to write be- 
fore leaving the place. Previous to his beginning 
his journey, he had got his head shaved. Forgetting 
this last circumstance, when the waiter aroused him 
as ordered, Paddy, scratching his pate, and feeling 
it bald, exclaimed : ' You wretch of a waiter, by 
the powers • you have waked the bald man instead ij 
me.' 

155. — An Irish officer in battle happening to bow, 
a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off the 
head of a soldier who stood behind him : * You 
said he, ■ that a man never loses by politeness.' 



44 JOB MILLER. 

>y is poor, and I am poor ; 
Yet we will wed — so say no more ; 
And should the bairns you mention come, 
(As few that marry but have some) 
No doubt but Heav'n will stand our friend, 
And bread as well as children, send. 
So fares the hen, in farmer's yard, 
To live alone she finds it hard ; 
I've known her weary every claw 
In search of corn amongst the straw ; 
But when in quest of nicer food 
She clucks amongst her chirping brood ; 
With joy I've seen that self-same hen 
That scratch'd for one, could scratch for ten. 
These are the thoughts that make me willing 
To take my girl without a shilling : 
And for the self- same cause, d'ye see, 
Jenny's resMv'd to marry me ! 
157. — An Irish horse-dealer sold a mare as sound 
wind and limb, and without fault. It afterwards 
appeared that the poor beast could not see at all 
with one eye, and was almost blind of the other. 
The pmchaser finding this, made heavy complaints 
to the dealer, and reminded him, that he engaged 
the mare to be ' without fault.' — ' To be sure,' re- 
1 the other, ' to be sure I did ; but then, my 
honey, the poor crater's blindness is not her 
fault, but her misfortune.' 

geatleman, seeing an Irish 

fishwoman skinning some eels, said to her, * Mow 

can you be so cruel 1 don't you think you put them 

of paint' — 4 Why, your honour,' she 

lit when I first began business ; but 

ive dealt in them twenty years, and by this time 

t be quite used to it.' 

159. in a regiment of light 

quartered in a neighbouring county,) 

■ > was about six feet high, and very corpulent, 



JOE MILLER. 4"> 

was joking with an Irishman concerning the natural 
proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in con- 
versation. — ' By my soul,' said the Irishman, 'Ireland 
never made such a bull in all her life-time, as Eng- 
land did when she made a light horseman of you.' 

160. — An Irish country schoolmaster being asked 
what was meant by the word, ' fortification,' instantly 
answered, with the utmost confidence, ' two tweuti- 
fications make a fortification.' 

161. — A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleep- 
ing at an inn together. The weather being rather 
warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of 
the bed. A traveller in passing the room door, saw 
him in this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, 
gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel : who draw- 
ing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion 
that he exclaimed, ' Arrah honey, have a care of 
your great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails 
1 belaiv.' The Scotchman being sound asleep, and 
sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other 
companions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his 
patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing 
Sawney, who not a little surprised at finding the 
spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, ' Deil take the 
daft chiel of an ostler, he's ta'en my boots off last 
night, and left on the spur.' 

162. -^A gentleman once asked Sir Richard 
Steele, why the Irish, his countrymen, were so 
prone to make bulls, ' Indeed,' said the knight, * I 
suppose it is owing to some quality in the soil, for I 
really think, if an Englishman were born in Ireland, 
he would make as many bulls as an Irishman.' 

163. — During the memorable engagement in 
which Lord Nelson achieved his immortal victory 
over the French fleet, upon the coast of I-gypt, an 
officer, on board his vessel, had his right arm shot 
off, and lost an eye by a splinter. His illustrious 
commander, whose vigilance was unremitting, for ho 



101 MIIIF.R. 

i out upon such i, on hearing of 

(1 him in his cabin, though 
tl soon as the battle was over, 
ncern for the misfortune. The 
ith equal gallantry and politeness said, 
'/ir fnniont here, and he must 
indeed be destitute of taste, who is not proud on this 
■. in any thing.' 
iMorinan having occasion to ride some 
I of town, on his return the next day, ex- 
claimed to a friend who accompanied him, ' How is 
f all the mile-stones were on my left 
I to-day they are on my right.' 
An Irish recruit being rebuked, by the ser- 
I for ^t; iking one of his comrades, ' I thought 
no harm in it,' quoth Pat, ■ as I had 
my hand but my Jist.' 
-Tin well known Mr. Price kept a go-down 
it Calcutta, where he sold a gun to an 
Iiishman, who soon returned with it, complaining 
the barrel was much bent. ' Is it V said Price, 
■mi ] ought to have charged thee more for it.' — 
• Why so 7 ' said the other. ■ Because these pieces 
■ re constructed for shooting round a corner.' — ' If 
be the case,' says Paddy, ' then I insist on re- 

pomposity of Dr. Johnson, and his vain 
mobs t those who assumed in 
quaintance with literature, are 
wellknown. Old Macklin, the player, who was a 
an, one day paid the doctor a visit as 
i a few introductory words, 
' sneering way, that literary 

in the vulgar tongue, but 
md immediately addressed 
e of Latin. Macklin, 
to the doctor's pro- 
said he would rather converse in Greek, 



JOf Ml IE*. 47 

and immediately proceeded in a long sentence of 
equal length in Irish. The doctor again reverted to 
the English tongue, and observed, ■ Sir, you may 
speak very good Greek, but I am not sufficiently 
versed in that dialect, to converse with you fluently.' 
Macklin burst out laughing, made his bow, and 
retired. 

K<8. — The late Lord Sommerton, archbishop of 
Dublin, while he enjoyed the archbi>hopricof Cashel, 
and was about to be collated to the metropolitan see, 
had entered into a treaty with his tenants in general, 
to receive fines for a renewal of their leases (through 
which means, by the way, the reverend prelate netted 
a sum of 50,0()0/.). ' Amongst others who came to 
treat with the right reverend prelate, was the widow 
ot a wealthy farmer, who, after travelling some 
distance, arrived while his lordship was at dinner 
enfamille. As soon as her arrival was announced, 
he desired she might be introduced to the dinner- 
parlour, and politely pressed her to sit down and 
dine. The lady declined, and said she had ■ got her 
dinner already.' The Archbishop, supposing her re- 
fusal arose from bashfulness, pressed her to partake 
of some dish, and amongst the rest, very urgently 
recommended her to take some roast hare. The 
matron, in the simplicity of her heart, answered, 
1 L pon my con>cience, please your lordship, I don't 
care for it, my belly is full of hare already ; for my 
son shot two yesterday, and we had them for dinner 
to-day.' The hare which the poor woman meant 
m t ] st have been game, for the company laughed im- 
moderately. 

i69. — Tut gallery wit of the Dublin theatres has 
long been celebrated ; for, perhaps the mob of that 
city are the wittiest blackguards in Europe : and the 
deities of the upper gallery never fail to mark their 
approbation or hatred for all public characters who 
happen to catch their eyes, by plaudits or groans : 



I for his share in 
It as he happens to he popular 
or a d popular ; of those august personages 

unable to bear this kind of attack have uniformly 
-elves from the theatre. The late 
n, Duke of Rutland, and his beauti- 
ful Duchess, appeared one night in the vice regal 

1 Peg Plunkett, 
with a few of her nymphs appeared in the side bo 

upper gall- mediately began upon the 

itb ' Ha! I\g ! who tUpt with 
you last night, Peg V To which she immediately 
answered in a tone of reproof, * Manners, you black- 
guards.' This was so palpable a hit at the repre- 
• ttive of royalty, who was a frequent visitant at 
it it threw the house into a roar of 
the noble Duke retired under much 
embarrassment. 

170. — Mil Bum, in his juvenile days, was ex- 
tremely fond of private acting A few of his com- 
panions proposed that he should play Richmond, in 
;.ard the Third ; and having given him the part 
at a very short notice, he arose betimes one morning, 
and walked down a lane adjoining his father's house, 
so intent on studying his part, that-he did not per- 
ceive a filthy ditch before him, and had just uttered 
with heroic dignity, ' Thus far have we got into the 
Is of the land,' when he found himself up to 
his middle in the mire. 

171. — An Hibernian officer, being once in com- 
pany with several who belonged to the same corps, 
one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay a dozen of 
t, that th- i made a bull before the 

over. ' Done,' said Terence. The 
wager was laid, and by way of puzzling him, he 
! how many bulls there were in that town. 
• «•,' said he. ' How do you make tbem outV 
said the other. ' Faith/ said he, 'there is the Black 



JOE MILLER. & 

Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over th* 
way ; then there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge 
and the White Bull at the corner.' — ' They are bu 
four,' said the other. ' Why arrah,' said he, ■ ther« 
is the Dun Cow in the Butcher-row.' — ■ That's 9 
bull,' said the other. * By Jasus,' said he, ■ then I 
have won my wager, and you have made the bull 
and not me.' 

17 L 2. — A gentleman having built a large house, 
was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His 
steward advised him to have a pit dug large enough 
to contain it. * And what,' said the gentleman, 
smiling, • shall I do with the earth which is dug out 
of the pit !' To which the steward, with great gravity, 
replied, ' Have the pit made large enough to hold all.* 

173. — Two Irish soldiers, being quartered in a bo- 
rough in the west of England, got into conversation 
respecting their quarters. ' How,' said the one, ■ are 
you quartered]' — ' Pretty well.' — ' What part of the 
house do you sleep in !' — 4 Up stairs.' — ' In the 
garret, perhaps V — ' The garret ! no ; Dennis O'Brien 
would never sleep in a garret.' — ' Where then V — 
* Why, I know not what you call it; but I call it 
first Jiure down the chimley.* 

174. — An Irishman, being struck by his master, 
cried out, ' Devil take me, if I arn certain whether 
he has kilt me or no ; but if I am kilt, it will afford 
me great satisfaction to hear the old dog was hanged 
for killing me.' 

175. — One of the last few patriotic acts of the Irish 
parliament was the establishment of a public bota- 
lical garden, at the village of Glassnevin, near 
r ublin, principally with a view to the arrangement 
md cultivation of useful plants, the national growth 
cf the country. The professor of this institution, 
Dr. Wade, when just proceeding to the south upon 
a botanizing tour, met the celebrated Sir Boyle 
Roache, who asked him where he was going. He 
D 



so 

lc, on a botanitiog 
DUr gar- 
replied the 
ould advise you to go 

in bota- 
nize all round the lake of Killarney in my Lord Ken- 
mure's barge, and find more indigence planted there 
than 1: >m.' 

i?6.— I.n i 1 1 nam (Cnn "i.i. y, bo Irishman, in 
the service of the United States, during the American 
war, chanced to take three 1 lessian prisoners himself, 
without any assistance. Being asked by the com- 
mander- in chief, how he had taken them 1 ' By Jasus ! 
I surrounded them,' was the answer. 

177.- -As lri>h student of the Temple having oc- 
to go to dinner, left this direction in the key- 
hole : ' Gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you 
shall find me ; and if yon can't read this, carry it to 
1 he shall read it for you.' 
178- i i ion vi citizen of London, within 

pretty constant in 
early, and taking a rural morning 
walk, either in Mooifichls, or, in wet weather, under 
i the Royal Exchange, to create anappe- 
ius buttered muffins, and improve his health. 
But having overslept himself one morning, after 
tomach furniture on the 
ng day at a civic feast, his fond rib reminded 
that lie had not taken his morn- 
\.iy, that don't much 
! shall take it in the afternoon, lovey.' 

• tin it it be a consequence of the act of 
n, or of I t prevalence of westerly 

not decided ; but any person who mixes 
h witlycoi: ; uents j*»^law courts, 01/ 

<m+ senat' ill often di\over that «eH 

a knack at bl under jipl 
iV of 4mx Iiish neighbours, in a late pro&- 






JOE MILLER. 51 

cution against a smasher of counterfeit coin, the 
learned Old Bailey counsel, in stating the case to 
the jury observed, ' that the prisoner at the bar had 
been twice before convicted as a notorious utterer of 
brass silver. 9 Another learned barrister, in stating 
the case of a burglary, observed, ' that it was com- 
mitted at a quarter past twelve at night, on the morn- 
ing of the next day/ And if we only advert to the 
ordinary dialect of common conversation, what ex- 
pressions are more frequent than, ■ come will you go?* 
or, 'are you going to stay V An Hibernian, who was 
a good deal annoyed by some city wags on the blun- 
dering propensities of his countrymen, answered, 
1 By Jasus, if you father all your bulls upon us 
Irishmen, we often father our calies on you in return. ' 

180. — In a debate on the leather-tax, in 179.i, in 
the Irish House of Commons, the Chancellor of the 

Exchequer (Sir John P ) observed, with great 

emphasis, ' that, in the prosecution of the present 
war, every man ought to give his Last guinea to pro- 
tect the remainder. 1 Mr. Vandelure said, ' that how- 
ever that might be, the tax on leather would be se- 
verely felt, by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. 
To which Sir Boyle Roache replied, ' that this coukl 
be easily remedied, by making the under leathers ot 
wtHtd.' 

181. — Louis XIV. had granted a pardon to a noble- 
man who had committed some very great crime. M. 
Voisin, the chancellor, ran to him in his closet, and 
exclaimed, * Sire, you cannot pardon a person in the 

•ituation of Mr. .' ■ I have promised him,' replied 

the king, who was ever impatient of contradiction f 
' go and fetch the great seal/ ' But sire/ — ' Pray, sir, 
do as I order you.' The chancellor returns with the 
seals ; Louis appfles them himself to the instrument 
containing the pardon, and gives them again to the 
chancellor. ' They are polluted now, sire,' exclaims 
the intrepid and excellent magistrate, pushing them 



JV2 JO* MILLER. 

from him on the table, ■ I cannot take them again.* 
'What au impracticable man!' cries the monarch, 
and throws the pardon into the tire. ' I will now, 
sire, take them again,' said the chancellor; ' the fire, 
you know, purifies every thing.' . 

Morvilliers, keeper of the seals to Charles IX. of 
France, was one day ordered by his sovereign to put 
the seals to the pardon of a nobleman who had com- 
mitted murder. He refused. The king then took the 
seals out of his hands, and having put them himself to 
the instrument of remission, returned them to Mor- 
villiers ; who refused them, saying, ■ The seals have 
twice put me in a situation of great honour ; once 
when I received them, and again when I resigned them.' 

182. — The late Lord Kilwarden, while attorney 
general, was retained as counsel for the crown, in 
prosecuting a gang of robbers for plundering the 
house of the late Lord O'Neil. The principal wit- 
ness, a fellow named Pigeon, who was one of the 
gang, had turned approver ; and in answering the 
questions of the learned attorney-general as to the 
i, he said his motive for becoming evidence was, 
that his companions had ' cheated him out of his fair 
uhnck.' — ' Your whack V said the learned barrister, 
' what do you mean by that V — ' Why arn't you up 
to whack V says the fellow; ■ what a. gag you must 
be! then it is just the same thing as if you and / 
were to rob a house togeOier, and you were to cheat 
me out of my share of the booty.* 

183. — The late Lord Norbury, some time since 
going as a judge on the Munster circuit, was, at 
usual, so strict in the administration of criminal jus- 
tice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong 
grounds of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely 
through any slovenly flaws in the wording of their 
indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. Dining, 
as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at the next inn, 
a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave to 



JOE MILLER. 63 

help his lordship to part of a pickled Umgue. Lord 
Norbury replied, ' he did not like pickled tongue ; 
but if it had been hung, he would try it' Mr. Curran, 
who sat on the other side, said, that ' the defect was 
easily obviated ; for, if his lordship would only try 
it, it would certainly be hung.* 

184. — The capricious hauteur of genius, in the 
midst of poverty, has been exemplified on numberless 
occasions. The late Mr. James Barry, who was the 
son of a bricklayer at Cork, made his professional 
debut as a sign-painter in that city ; and afterwards, 
by the dint of his genius and industry, rose, as we 
have seen, to high fame in his profession ; and, 
though he was raised to the dignity of a royal artist, 
was yet, in his circumstances, through life, the dis- 
tressed victim of professional pride and an eccentric 
temper. On his return from Italy to London, he 
was sinking under distress, for the want of a patron ; 
when the late munificent duke of Northumberland, 
by some accident, discovered his merit, and invited 
him to dine at Northumberland-house, purely with 
the view of rendering him a service, in a manner the 
most delicate to his feelings. During the repast, the 
discourse ran upon paintings, and upon the distribu- 
tion of those hung up in the dinner-room : ' How do 
you approve of the placing of those pictures Mr. 
Barry V said his grace. 'Oh ! very well, my lord 
duke ; but there is a capital place at the bottom, in 
a side light, which is unoccupied/ — ■ Then I mean 
that vacancy to be filled/ said the duke, ' by a pro- 
duction from your pencil, Sir, which I request you 
will finish ; you shall choose the subject from the 
History of England ; the size and price I will leave 
to yourself; and I have only to request you will 
contrive to introduce a master of the horse in the 
grouping, and draw my portrait in that character.' 
The artist departed ; and in the following week his 
grace repeatedly sent for and called upon him, but 



M JOE M TILTH. 

lie was repeatedly denied. At length the duke, tired 
of Mich caprice, sent a letter by a servant to Barry, 
i ing to speak with him ; but the answer returned 
by the servant was, ' Go to the duke, your master, 
friend, and tell him from me, that, if he wants his 
port! ait painted, he must go to that fellow in Leices- 
ter Fields (the late Sir Joshua Reynolds), for I shall 
never degrade my pencil by portrait painting.' 

185. — There happened, when Swift was at Lar- 
cone, in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, the 
farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past 
during the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been 
put up. Roger (Swift's clerk) bid for them : he was 
overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. ' What, 
Roger, won't you buy the poultry?' exclaimed Swift. 
* No, Sir,' said Roger, ' I see they are just agoing 
to Hatch.' 

186. — Two Irish labourers being at the execution 
of the malefactors on the new scaffold before New- 
gate, one says to the other, 4 Arrah, Pat, now ! but 
is there any difference between being hanged here 
and being hanged in chains !' — ' No, honey !' replied 
be, ' no great difference ; only one hangs about an 
hour, and the other hangs all the days of his life.' 

187. — M ■• Cumberland, the writer, was asked his 
opinion of Mr. Sheridan's * School for Scandal.' 
4 Faith,' said he, * I am quite astonished that the town 
can be so duped ! I went to see his comedy, and 
never laughed once from beginning to end.' This 
being repeated to Sheridan, * That's very ungrateful 
of him,' said he, ' for I went to see his tragedy t'other 
night, and did nothing but laugh from beginning 
to end.' 

188. — In one of the engagements with the French 
at Cuddalore, the 10 1st regiment gave way, and their 
place was immediately supplied by a battalion of 
blaek infantry. A gentleman shortly afterwards, in 
company with Colonel Kennedy, and conversing on 



JOB MILLER. 55 

(he subject, said he was surprised that they gave 
ft ay. ' And so am I too,' said the colonel, ■ for they 
tvere all tried men.' — ■ How can you make that out/ 
says the gentleman, ' when they are a new regiment V 
— * Oh ! by my conscience,' says the colonel/ they 
were all tried at the Old Bailey long ago/ 

189. — Mr. Sheridan, who had a fund of Irish 
stories, related one which occurred upon a shooting 
visit to a gentleman in the county of Tipperary, who, 
being unfortunately afflicted with the gout, was un-. 
able to accompany him in a day's sport, but recom- 
mended as his guide an herdsman about his land, 
who knew the seat of every hare and the haunt of 
every covey within ten miles. With this guide the 
orator set out caparisoned for the field, and was, in 
the course of the day, led to a dozen coveys and as 
many hares, but not being so good a shot in the field 
as in the senate, nothing was brought to bag. His 
guide, however, perceiving he was a young sports- 
man, never failed, at every shot, by some compliment 
in his own way, to encourage the marksman with 
hones of better success. At the first fire, while the 
covey fluttered off in triumph, Pat says, ' Pon my 
shoul, Sir, I'm sure you must have wounded some of 
them, though they did'nt fall.' At the next, ■ By 
my shoul. they did not fly fair for you, or you would 
have killed a couple of brace of tliein.' At the third, 
1 Pon my shoul, you knock'd some of their feathers 
off that time.' At length, having exhausted his 
whole stock of apologies for the ill luck of the sports- 
man, he concluded with, ' Devil burn me, but you 
made them lave that, any how, Sir/ 

190. — Some years afterwards, Mr. Sheridan was 
on a visit to the Duke of Bedford, at Woburn, when 
preparations were making to take the field against the 
partridges on the first of September. A learned bar- 
rister of the party was endeavouring to improve hu 
'kill by firing at a mark, which he could never hi^ 



66 JOE MILLER. 

, in excuse for his bud aim, complained of his 

not well trained, and who, at every 

about to fire his piece, always jumped 

• the murk, ' although/ saiil he, ' 1 thought 

sagacious an animal as ever lived.' — * Saga~ 

I, indeed,' said Mr. Sheridan, * and he has proved 

it, for I can't conceive he could be any where so safe 

from your shot, as by flying at the mark you aim at.' 

191. — An Irishman and an Englishman falling 

out, the Hibernian told him if he did not hold his 

r.e, he would break his impenetrable head, and let 

tins out of his empty skull ! 

-An Irishman having been obliged to live 

with his master some time in Scotland, when he came 

back, some of his companions asked how he liked 

land. ' I will tell you now/ said he, • I was sick 

all the while I was there ; and if I had lived there till 

this time, 1 had been dead an year ago.' 

193. — An Irishman being at a tavern, where the 

cook was dressing some carp, observed some of them 

6 after they were gutted and put into the pan, 

li much surprised Teague ; said he, ■ Now of all 

the ('lir^tian creatures I ever saw, this carp will live 

the longest after it is dead of any fish.' 

i following advertisement is copied from 
a Dublin paper. 'Notice is hereby given, that the 
over of Turnant is poisoned, for the preservation 
of the game. 20th Aug., 180.5.' 

[rishman having a looking glass in his 

hand shut his eyes, and placed it before his face ; 

another asking him why he did so \ ■ Upon my soul,' 

Teague, ' it is to see how I look when I am 

• p. 1 

190. — An honest, simple Irishman, a short time 

ago, landed on one of the quays at Liverpool, in 

search of harvest work. A fellow on the quay, 

thinking to quit the poor stranger, asked him, ' How 

long, Tat, have you broke loose from your father's 



JOE Mil LER. in 

cabin ? and how do the potatoes eat now V The 
Irish lad, who happened to have a shilalee in his 
hand, answered, ' O, they eat very well, my jewel, 
would you like to taste the stalk V and knocking the 
inquirer down, coolly walked off. 

197. — An Irish drummer once executing his duty 
of flogging an Irish recruit, the poor sufferer, as is 
customary in those cases, cried, ' Strike high ! strike 
high !' The drummer, to oblige his countryman, did 
as was requested, but the fellow still continuing to 
roar out, ■ The d — 1 burn your bellowing,' cried rub- 
a-dub, * there is no plasijigyou, strike where one will.' 

198. — A physician at Bath was lately complain- 
ing in a coffee-house in that city, that he had three 
fine daughters, to whom he should give ten thousand 
pounds each, and yet that he could find nobody to 
marry them. ' With your lave, doctor/ said an 
Irishman who was present, stepping up and making 
a very respectful bow, ■ I'll take two of them !' 

199. — The proverb says, 'that idleness covers a 
man with rags.' An Irish schoolmaster thought the 
sentence might be improved : in consequence of 
which, he wrote for his pupil, ' Idleness covers a 
man with nakedness.' 

200. — When Paddy Blake heard an English gen- 
tleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Kil- 
larney, which repeats the sound forty times, he very 
promptly observed, ■ Poh ! faith that's nothing at 
all at all, to the echo in my father's garden, in the 
county of Galway ; there, honey, if you were to say 
to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake ? it would answer, 
Very well, I thank you, Sir.* 

201. — Two very honest gentlemen, who dealt in 
brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked 
the other, how he could afford to under-sell him 
everywhere as he did, when he stole the stuff, and 
made the brooms himself? — ■ W r hy, you silly dog"/ 
answered the other, ' I steal them ready made.' 
D 2 



58 Jl'F Mil II u. 

Hoi.ivar was on the plains of the Apure, 
with his troops in a starving condition, and without 
the means of procuring food for his army, unless he 
took a circuitous march of many leagues, to which 
the strength of the men was incompetent, or found 
means to arrive at the point he wished to gain, by 
crossing the river Apure, on whose banks, on the 
opposite side, were plenty of cattle, grazing within 
ngftt of the nearly famished troops. The latter could 
not be accomplished as he had no boats of any de- 
scription, or timber to construct rafts ; but about mid- 
across the river was a fleet of sixty flecheras, 
v\lncli belonged to the enemy, and were well manned 
and armed, llolivar stood on the shore, gazing at 
these in despair, and continued disconsolately parad- 
io front of them, when General Paez.who had been 
on the look-out, rode up and inquired the cause of 
his disquietude. His Excellency observed, ' I would 
give the world to have possession of the Spanish 
flotilla, for without it I can never cross the river, and 
the troops are unable to march.' — ' It shall be yours 
in an hour,' replied Paez. — ' It is impossible,' said 
Botivtr, ' and the men must all perish.' — * Leave that 
to ine,' rejoined Paez, and galloped off. In a few 
minutes he returned, bringing up his guard of ho- 
nour, consisting of 300 lancers selected from the main 
. of the I.laneros, for their proved bravery and 

Hid leading them to the bank, thus briefly 
Mkbtised theflii ' We must have these flecheras, or 
die. Let those follow Tio (uncle) who please ;' — 
and at the same moment spurring his horse, dashed 
into the river and swam towards the flotilla. The 
guard followed him with their lances in their mouths, 
encouraging their horses to bear up against the 
current, by swimming by their sides and patting their 

i then shouting to scare away the alligators, 
of which there were hundreds in the river, till they 
reached the boats, when, mounting their horses, they 



JOE MILLER. 59 

sprang from their backs on board them, headed by 
their leader, and, to the astonishment of those who 
beheld them from the shore, captured every one of 
them. To English officers it may appear inconceiv- 
able that a body of cavalry, with no other arms than 
their lances, and no other mode of conveyance across 
a rapid river, than their horses, should attack and 
take a fleet of gun boats amidst shoals of alligators ; 
but, strange as it may seem, it was actually accom- 
plished. 

203.--Tv the great dispute between South and 
Sherlock, the latter, who was a great courtier, said, 
■ His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a 
cur.' To which the other replied, ' That fawning 
was the property of a cur as well as barking.' 

2(H. — An arch boy being at a table where there 
was a piping hot apple-pie, putting a bit into his 
mouth, burnt it so that the tears ran down his cheeks. 
A gentleman that sat by, asked him, why he wept? 
1 Only,' said he, ' because it is just come into my re- 
membrance, that my poor grandmother died this day 
twelvemonth.' — ' Phoo,' said the other, ' is that all !' 
So, whipping a large piece into his mouth, he quickly 
sympathized with the boy ; who seeing his eyes brim 
full, asked him, with a malicious sneer, why he wept ? 
# A pox on you,' said he, 'because you were not 
hanged, you young dog, the same day your grand- 
mother died.' 

205. — Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so emi- 
nent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and 
compliance at court he got removed from a poor 
Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend 
Dean of the church said, that he found his brother 
Lloyd spelt prophet with an F. 

206. — A worthy old gentleman in the country 
having employed an attorney, of whom he had a 
pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him 
in London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming 



f>0 JOE MILLER. 

to town, and demanding his bill of law charges, to 
find that it amounted to at least three times toe sum 
he expected ; the honest attorney assured him, that 
there was no article in his bill, but what was fair 
und reasonable. * Nay,' said the country gentleman. 
1 there's one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you 
have set down three shillings and four-pence for 
going to Southwark, when none of my business lay 
that way ; pray, what is the meaning of that, Sir V — 
* Oh, Sir,' said he, ' that was for fetching the chine 
and turkey from the carrier's that you sent me for a 
present out of the country.* 

207. — A c;im ii mam going into a meeting-house, 
and stumbling over one of the forms that were set 
there, cried out in a passion, ' Who the devil ex- 
pected set forms in a meeting-house V 

208. — When George 11. in coming from Hol- 
land, happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, 
the captain of the yacht cried to the chaplain, * In 
five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord.' 
1 The Lord forbid,' answered the doctor. 

209. — A justice of peace seeing a parson on a 
very stately horse, riding between London and I lamp- 
stead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, 
do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson 
has got, I'll banter him a little. ' Doctor,' said he, 
'i don't follow the example of your great Master, 
who was humbly content to ride upon an ass.' — 
' Why really, Sir,' replied the parson, ' the king has 
made so many asses justices, that an honest clergy- 
haidly find one to ride if he had a mind 

l 2\0. deal of company being at dinner 

here a silver spoon was laid 

at the side of every plate, one of the company watch- 

coovenient opportunity, as he thought, slid 

sra into his pocket ; but being observed more 

narrowly tlian he was aware of, the gentleman who 



JOE MILLER. 61 

sat Apposite to him, took up another, and stuck it in 
the button-hole of his bosom ; which the master of 
the house perceiving, asked him in good humour, 
' W hat was his fancy in that?' — ■ Why,' replied he, 
* I thought every man was to have one, because I 
saw that gentleman, over against me, put one in his 
pocket.' 

911. — A rich farmer's son, who had been bred at 
the University, coming home to visit his father and 
mother, they being one night at supper on a couple 
of fowls, he told them, that by logic and arithmetic, 
he could prove those two fowls to be three. ' Well, 
let us hear,' said the old man. ' Why, this,' cried 
the scholar, ■ is one, and this,' continued he, ' is too, 
two and one, you know, make three.' — ' Since you 
have made it out so well,' answered the old man, 
'your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have 
the second, and the third you may keep yourself for 
your great learning.' 

21 c 2. — A gentleman who had a suit in chancery, 
was called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, 
for fear of incurring contempt. * And why/ said 
the gentleman, ' is not my answer put in V — * How 
should I draw your answer,' cried the lawyer, ' till 
I know what you can swear?' — * Pox on your scru- 
ples,' replied the client, ' pr'ythee, do your part as 
a lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me 
alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear 
to it.' 

213.— An honest Welsh carpenter, coming out of 
Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few 
months, he had saved, besides his expenses, about 
twelve shillings ; and with this prodigious sum of 
money, returning into his own country, when he came 
upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the town : ' Ah, 
poor Pristow,' said he, ' if one or two more of hur 
countrymen were to give hur such another shake as 
hur has done, it would be poor Pristow indeed.' 



JOT. Mil IIR. 

el ling Charles XIL, of Sweden, just 
re the battle of Narva, that the enemy were three 
U) one : ' I am glad to hear it,' answered the kin£, 
1 for then there will be enough to kill, enough to 
prisoners, and enough to run away.' 
i k — A pool fellow, who growing rich on a sud- 
den, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and 
taking great state upon him, was met one day by 
one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in 
a very humble manner, but having no notice taken 
of him, cried out, ' Nay, it is no great wonder that 
you should not know me, wheu you have forgot your- 
self.' 

216. — Maju is Linus, who was governor of Taren- 
tum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so 
much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day 
in open senate, ' That it was himself, not Fabius 
Maximus, that was the cause of retaking the city of 
Dtum.' Fabius said smilingly, ' Indeed thou 
speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should 
never have retaken it.' 

217. — Axphonso, king of Naples, sent a Moor, 
who had been his captive a long time, to liarbary, 
with a considerable sum of money to purchase horses, 
and to return by such a time. There was about the 
king a buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, 
< I to register any remarkable absur- 
dity that happened at court. The day the Moor was 
1 to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the 
at supper, the king called tor his table-book, in 
ilar journal of absurdities : 
took the book, and read, how Alphonso, 
in the Moor, who had 
i a long time his prisoner, to Morocco, his own 
country, with so many thousand crowns to buy horses. 
king turned to the jester, and asked, why he 
! he, * [ think he will 
M back to be a prisoner again ; and so you 



JOE MILLER. 63 

have lost both man and money/ — ■ But, if he does 
come,' says the king, ' then your jest is marred.' — ; 
4 No, Sir,' replies the buffoon, ' for if he should re- 
turn, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a 
fool/ 

218. — Soon after the death of a great officer, who 
was judged to have been no great advancer of the 
king's affairs; the king said to his solicitor Bacon, 
who was kinsman to that lord : 4 Now Bacon, tell 
me truly, what say you of your cousin V Mr. Bacon 
answered, ' Since your majesty charges me to speak, 
I will deal plainly with you, and give you such a 
character of nim, as though I were to write his story. 
I do think he was no fit counsellor to have made your 
affairs better, yet he was fit to have kept them from 
growing worse.' — ' O my saul,' quoth the king, ' in 
the first thou speakest like a true man ; and in the 
latter like a kinsman/ 

219.— A young fellow being told that his mistress 
was married ; to convince him of it, the young gen- 
tleman who told him, said, he had seen the bride 
and bridegroom. ' Pr'ythee/ said the forsaken swain, 
4 do not call them by those names. I cannot bear 
to hear them/— 'Shall I call them dog and cat?' 
answered the other. ' Oh no, for heaven's sake/ 
replied the first, ' that sounds ten times more like 
man and wife than t'other/ 

2 C 20. — A very ignorant, but very foppish young 
fellow, going into a bookseller's shop with a relation, 
who went thither to buy something he wanted, seeing 
his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, 
asked him, what there was in that book that made 
him smile? 'Why/ answered the other, 'this book 
is dedicated to you, cousin Jack.' — * Is it so/ said 
he, 4 pray let me see it, for I never knew before that 
I had such an honour done to me/ Upon which, 
taking it into his hads, he found it to be Perkins' 
Catechism, dedicated 4 to all ignorant persons/ 



61 MILLER. 

— A mhaki \ fellow having sold all his goods, 
lo maintain himself at his pot, except his feather-bed, 
at last made away with that too ; when being re- 

{>roved for it by some of his friends ; ' Why,' said 
• 1 am very well, thank God, and why should I 
keep my bed.' 

-Win v king Charles I was in great anxiety 
about signing the warrant for the earl of Strafford's 
execution, saying, * it was next to death to part with 
so able a minister, and so loyal a subject ;' a certain 
favourite of the king's standing by, soon resolved his 
majesty, by telling him, ' that in such an exigence, 
a man had better part with his crutch than his leg.' 
M3. — A person having been put to great shifts to 
get money to support his credit, some of his cre- 
ditors at length sent him word, that they would give 
him trouble. ' Pox,' says he, ' I have had trouble 
enough to borrow the money, and had not need to 
be troubled to pay it again.' 

— Count Gondemar, the Spanish ambassador 
here, in queen Elizabeth's time, sent a compliment 
to the lord St. Alban's, whom he lived in no good 
terms with, wishing him a ' merry Easter.' My lord 
thanked the messenger, and said, he could not requite 
the count better, than by wishing him a ' good Pass- 
over.' 

— A lady seeing a tolerable pretty fellow, 

who by the help of his tailor and sempstress had 

transformed himself into a beau, said, ' What pity 

e one, whom nature has made no fool, so 

industrious to pass for an ass.' — ' Rather/ says an- 

p, 'one should pity those whom nature abuses 

than those who abuse nature • besides, the town would 

I of one half of its diversion, if it should 

become a crime to laugh at a fool.' 

old follow having a great itch after his 

neighbour's wife, employed her chambermaid in the 

At the next meeting he inquired, what 



JOE UlLLEJt. 65 

answer the lady had sent him ? ' Answer,' said the 
girl, ' why she has sent you this for a token,' (giving 
him a smart slap in the face.) ■ Ay,' cried the old 
fellow, rubbing his chops, ' and you have lost none 
of it by the way : I thank you.' 

227. — A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle 
the philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, 
and observing that he did not much regard him, 
made an apology, that he was afraid he had inter- 
rupted him. ' No, really,' replied the philosopher, 
' you have not interrupted me at all, for I have not 
minded one word you said.' 

228. — Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and ex- 
posing one another before company, one told them, 
that they had both done like Wits : ' For you Wits,' 
says he, ■ never give over, till you prove one another 
Fools/ 

229. — Three young conceited wits, as they 
thought themselves, passing along the road near 
Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they 
had a mind to be rudely merry ; ' Good-morrow, 
father Abraham,' said one : ' Good-morrow, father 
Isaac/ said the next: 'Good-morrow, father Jacob,' 
cried the last. ■ I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor 
Jacob,' replied the old gentleman, ' but Saul, the son 
of Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and 
lo ! here 1 have found them.' 

230. — J a mls the first of England, and sixth of Scot- 
land, though in some degree a man of sense and wit, 
seems to have been remarkably deficient in the more 
important talent of steadiness and vigour of mind. 
It is said he was not unconscious of this defect ; and 
that he was once told of it in a very curious manner 
from the pulpit. He heard of a famous preacher, 
who, according to the fashion of the times, was very 
witty in his sermons, and peculiarly happy in his 
choice of texts. James got this person to preach 
before him ; who, with all suitable gravity, gave out 



W JOB MILLER. 

Ins text in the following words — 'James I. and VL, 
in the latter part of the verse. " He thatwavereth is 
like a wave of the sea, driven by the winds and tos- 
1 — • God's ehirkens !' whispered the king, * he 
' me already !' The preacher went on, and trim- 
med the king soundly. The text is genuine, and the 
application of it witty, even independently of the 
pun, which seems so well suited to the taste of the 
of ■ James I. and VI.' 
t31. — A simim e bumpkin, coming to London, was 
very much taken with the sight of a chair, or sedan, 
and bargained with the chairmen to carry him to a 
place he named. The chairmen, observing the cu- 
riosity of the clown to be suitable to the meanness of 
his habit, privately took out the bottom of the chair, 
and then put him into it, which, when they took up, 
the countryman's feet were upon the ground, and as 
the chairmen advanced, so did he ; and to make the 
better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way than 
the rest, that they chose to go through ; the coun- 
tryman not knowing but others used to be carried, 
or rather driven in the same manner, coming to his 
lodgings, gave them their demand : returning into the 
itry, he related what rare things he had seen in 
Ion, and withal, that he had been carried in a 
•i !' quoth one, 'What is that?' — 
* Why, 1 said he, ' like our watchhouse, only it is co- 
■ 1 with leather; but were it not for the name of 
in, a man might as well walk on foot.' 
2.S2. — A vonii standing by whilst his father was 
at pi ing him to lose a great deal of money, 

ked him the reason 
Oh, Sir, I have heard that Alexan- 
der i vept when he heard his father Philip 
iy towns, cities, and coun- 
,t he would leave him nothing to win; 
contrary way, fearing that you will 
nothing to lose.' 



JOB MrLLER. 67 

233. — The famous Mr. Amner going through a 
street in Windsor, two boys looked out of a one 
pair of stairs window, and cried, ' There goes Mr. 
Amner that makes so many bulls.' He hearing 
them, lookad up, saying, 'You rascals, I know you 
well enough, and if I had you here I'd kick you 
down stairs.' 

IS4- — The same gentleman crossing the water in 
a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man of the ferry 
being from home, his wife did his office, and not 
putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. 
Amner at his landing sunk into the mud over his 
shoes, and going a little farther he met with a friend, 
who asked, how he came so dirty ; ' 'Fore God,' re- 
plied Mr. Amner, ' no man was ever so abused as I 
have been, for, coming over Datchet Ferry, a scurvy 
woman waterman put over the boat, and landed me 
clean in the mire.' 

23.i.— In Flanders, a tyler accidentally fell from 
the top of a house, upon a Spaniard, and killed him, 
though he escaped himself. The next of the blood 
prosecuted his death with great violence against the 
tyler; and when he was offered pecuniary recom- 
pense, nothing would serve him but Lex Talionis. 
Whereupon the judge said unto him, That if he did 
urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should 
go up to the top of the same house, and from thence 
fall down upon the tyler. 

236. — A young Italian gentleman being led by 
curiosity into Holland, where having lived some time 
conversing with the most ingenious, was one day set 
upon by a Protestant minister, who would needs 
engage him in a controversy about religion. The 
young gentleman, knowing himself too weak for the 
encounter, begged his diversion, and endeavoured to 
wave the discourse ; but the more he avoided it, the 
more hotly was he pressed by the minister ; where- 
upon the young Italian, in a very great passion, con- 



JOE MILLER. 

d liim by all that is good, to let him alone in 
!« with his religion ; ■ For,' said he, • 1 cannot 
embrace your's, ami if you make me lose my own, I 
will never make choice of any other.' 

7. — A certain duchess, in a late reign, hear- 
ing that a man in a high office, which gave him an 
opportunity of handling much cash, had married his 
kept mistress ; ■ Good Lord,' said she, ' that old fel- 
low is always robbing the public/ 

258, — Queew Elizabeth being much enraged 
against Dr. Hayward, author of the Life of Henry 
the Fourth, had ordered her law officers to proceed 
against him ; and, amongst others, inquired of Bacon, 
if there was not treason in the book 1 the witty law- 
yer readily answered — ' No, madam, 1 cannot an- 
swer for there being treason in it, but I am certain it 
contains much felony.' — ' How,' eagerly exclaimed 
her majesty, ■ how, and wherein Y — ' In many pas- 
sages/ replied he, 'which he has stolen from Tacitus.' 
239. — Dh. IIirKRiNGAL, who was one of King 
Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he preach- 
ed before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his 
faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. 
One day his majesty walking in the Mall, observed 
the doctor before him, and sent to speak to him : 
when he came, ■ Doctor,' says the king, ' what have 
I done to you that you are always quarrelling with 
roe V — ' I hope your majesty is not angry with me,' 
quoth the doctor, ' for telling the truth.' — ' No, no,' 
says the king, ■ but I would have us for the future 
be friends.' — ' Well, well,' quoth the doctor, ■ I will 
make it up with your majesty on these terms, as you 
mend I'll mend.' 

2 JO.— Tom Clarke of St. John's desired a Fellow 
of the same college to lend him Bishop Burnet's 
History of the Reformation ; the other told him, he 
could not spare it out of his chamber, but if he pleased, 
he might come there and read in it all day long: 



IOB MILLER. 69 

some time after the same gentleman sends to Tom to 
borrow his bellows ; Tom sent him word, that he 
could not possibly spare them out of his chamber, 
but he might come there and use them all day long 
if he would. 

241. — A brave Dutch captain being commanded 
by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against 
the French, with forces that were unlikely to achieve 
he enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send 
6ut half so many men : ' Why so V said the colonel, 
* to send but half so many men V — ' Because,' re- 
plied the captain, * they are enough to be knocked on 
the head.' 

242. — King Charles II. on a certain time paying 
a visit to Dr. Busby, the Doctor is said to have strut- 
ted through his school with his hat upon his head, 
while his Majesty walked complaisantly behind him, 
with his hat under his arm ; but, when he was tak- 
ing his leave at the door, the Doctor, with great hu- 
mility, thus addressed himself: 'Sir, I hope your 
Majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto ; 
but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater 
man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be 
able to rule them.' 

243 — One of King James the First's chaplains 
preaching before the court at Whitehall, made use 
of the following quibbles in his discourse. Speak- 
ing of the depravity of the age, * almost all houses/ 
he said, • were made ale-houses ; that men made 
matrimony a matter of money ; and placed their pa- 
radise in a pair of dice : Was it so in the days of 
Noah ? Ah, no.' 

244. — Several press-gangs infesting the streets of 
the city and suburbs, one of which giving umbrage 
to a merry punster, who had just staggered from a 
tavern, into the middle of them : he said pleasantly 
enough, ■ God bless his majesty's arms ! But, as to 
the supporters, they are beasts.* 



70 JOF MIL1.FR. 

245. — Mu. Piuon, when am bi ngntone 

of the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box 

with a nobleman lie was free with, who, as usual in 

ids louder than the performer, burst into 

bitter invectives against the last ; upon which his 

hip gave over, to inquire the reason, adding, 
that the person he exclaimed against so fiercely, was 
one of the finest voices they had. ■ Yes,' replies his 

llency, ' but he makes such a horrid noise, that 
I can't have the pleasure to hear your lordship.' 

iviNG of 500/. per annum falling in the 
gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert 
Walpole recommended one of his friends as very de- 
serving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved 
of. In the interim, the curate, who had served the 

incumbent many years for poor 30/. per annum, 
came up with a petition, signed by many of the in- 
habitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth, 
that he had a wife and seven children to maintain, 
and begging his lordship would stand his friend, that 
he might be continued in his curacy ; and, in consi- 
deration of his large family, if he could prevail with 
the next incumbent to add 10/. a year, he should for 
ever pray. His lordship, according to his usual good- 
ness, promised to use his utmost endeavours to serve 
him ; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the liv- 
ing was designed, coming soon after to pay his re- 
spects, my lord told him the affair of the curate, with 
this difference only, that he should allow him 60/. 

at instead of 30/. The parson, in some confusion, 
replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his 
request, for that he had promised the curacy to an- 
other, and could not go back from his word. ' How !' 
says my lord, ' have you promised the curacy, before 

were possessed of the living ? Well, to keep your 

I with your friend, if you please, I'll give him 
the curacy, but the living, I assure you, I'll give to 
another :' and saying this he left him. The next day 



JOE MILLER. 71 

die poor curate coming to know his destiny, n\y lord 
lold him, that he had used his endeavours to serve 
him as to the curacy, but with no success, the reve- 
rend gentleman havii 1 of it before. The 
curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks 
for his goodness, and was going to withdraw ; when 
my lord calling him bark, >aid, with a smile, 4 Well, 
my friend, 'tis true, I have it not in my power to give 
you the curacy ; but if you will accept of the \\\ 
'tis at your service.' The curate almost surprised 
to death with joy, in the most moving expressions 
of gratitude, returned his lordship thanks, whose 
goodness had in a moment raised him and his family 
from a necessitous condition, to a comfortable state 
of life. 

r. — The said noble lord, when he was under the 

tuition of the Reverenu , who used to call him 

his little chancellor, one day replied, that vUien he 
-o, he would give him a good living. One hap- 
pening to fall soon aiui he was chancellor, he re- 
collected his promise, and ordered the presentation 
to be filled up for his old master, who soon after came 
to his lordship, to remind him of his promise, and 
to ask him for this living. ■ Why really,' said my 
lord, ' I wish you had come a day sooner, but I have 
given it away already ; and when you see to whom, 
I dare say you will not think me to blame.' So put- 
ting the presentation into his hands, he convinced 
him that he had not forgot his promise. 

*48.— King Charles 11., after the Restoration, 
told Waller the poet, that he had made better ve 
and said finer things of Cromwell than of him. ■ That 
may very well be,' replied Waller, ' for poets gene- 
rally succeed better in fiction than in truth.' 

^49. — An honest Highlander, walking along Hol- 
born, heard a voice cry, 'Rogue, Scot; Rogue, 
Scot :' his northern blood fired at the insult ; he drew 
his bread sword, looking round him on every side, 



TX hi I LI BR. 

t of his indignation j at last he 

ic from I parrot, perched in B balcony 

with i ; but the generous Scot, disdaining 

nn lus trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put 

Up h i in, with a sour smile, saying, ■ Gin 

ere a man, as ye're a green geuse, 1 would split 

your weem.' 

ploughman seeing the Archbishop of 

L, r ne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, 

laughed ; the archbishop pressed him to know the 

on : ' It is because I wonder,' said the plough- 

, ' to see an archbishop armed, and followed, not 

liuichiiien, but by soldiers, like a general of aa 

army.' — * Friend,' replied the archbishop, * in my 

church I perform the part of an archbishop with my 

bat in the field I march like a duke, accom- 

fied by my soldiers.' — 4 I understand you, my 
n ered the peasant ; ' but pray tell me, when 
niv lord duke goes to the devil, what will then be- 
v Lord archbishop V 
In a visit Queen Klizabeth made to Sir Ni- 
cholas Jiacon, at a small country-seat, which he had 
built for himself before his preferment; she asked 
him, how it came that he had made himself so small 
a house ? * It is not I, Madam,' answered he, ' who 
le my house too small for myself, but your 
who have made me too big for my house.' 

tine saying of my Lord llussel, who 

ided in the reign of King Charles 11. when 

on the icaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert 

iid- bishop of Salisbury : ■ Here, Sir,' 

this, it shews time ; I am going into 

eternity, and shall have no longer any need of it.' 

ordinary country fellow being called as 

tnei t of judicature, in a cause where 

the terms of mortgage and mortgagee were frequently 

t, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the 

difference between the riurrtgager and lb* mortgagee : 



JOE MILLER. 73 

* Yes/ said he, ■ it is the same as between the noddtr 
and noddee.' — ' How is thatV replied the judge. — 

• Why, you sit there, my lord,' said the clown, 4 and 
I nod at you ; then I am the nodder, and your lord- 
ship is the noddee.' 

L 2bA. — Queev Elizabeth having taken notice of the 
Duke de Villa Medina's gallant behaviour at a tour- 
nament, told him one day, that she would absolutely 
know who his mistress was : Villa Medina excused 
himself awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, 
he promised to send her her picture. The next morn- 
ing he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the queen 
finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently 
understood the Spaniard's meaning. It must needs 
be confessed, that this was a very ingenious contriv- 
ance ; and there's no question, but this great and 
witty princess, who was so well pleased to be ac- 
counted beautiful, was well enough satisfied with this 
dumb declaration of love. 

255. — A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered 
to hold up his hand, that was all black ; * Take off 
your glove, friend,' said the judge to him. — ■ Put on 
your spectacles, my lord,' answered the dyer. 

256. — A certain captain, who had made a greater 
figure than his fortune could well bear, and the regi- 
ment not being paid as was expected, was forced to 
put off a great part of his equipage ; a few days 
after, as he was walking by the road- side, he saw one 
of his soldiers sitting lousing himself under a hedge : 
4 What are you doing there, Tom ;' said the officer. 
— ■ Why, faith, Sir,' answered the soldier, ' I am 
following your example, getting rid of part of my 
retinue.' 

257. — ADMiRALCHATiLLONbeingonaholidaygone 
to hear mass in the Dominican Friars' chapel, a poor 
fellow begged his charity, just as he was most intent 
on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave 
him several pieces of gold, without counting them, 
E 



74 

uli.it thej w< re. I h< c( nsiderable alms 

(I at 
it. As M. Chatillon e <>ut of the church* 

. where the poor man waited for him ; ' Sir/ 
he, shewing him what he had given him, ' I can- 
not tell whither you intended to give me so large a 
sum ; if not, J am very ready to return it.' The ad- 
miral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, 'I 
did □ !. honest man, intend to have given 

h ; but, since you have the generosity to 
offer to return it, 1 will have the generosity to desire 
to keep it, and there are five pieces more for you.' 
>8. — A (i\s(oN officer, who had served under 
Henry IV. king of France, and not having received 
pay for a considerable time, came to the king, 
and confidently said to him, * Sir, three words with 
your majesty, Money or discharge.' — 'Four with you,' 
ied his majesty, ' Neither one, nor t'other. 
t;>9. — A CERTAIN Italian having wrote a book upon 
the Art of making Gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. 
in hopes of a good reward. His holiness finding the 
man constantly followed him, at length gave him a 
large empty purse, saying, ' Sir, since you know how 
to make gold, you can have no need of any thing but 
a purse to put it in.' 

860. — A countryman seeing a lady in the street 
as he thought, begged her to be | 

fo tell him what she called it. The lady, a 
it the question, called him an imperti- ! 
' fellow. ' Nay, I hope nooffencc, madam,' cried 
i poor countryman, just going out of 
i and my wile aW hould bring her 

nt of the n« Hi, which occasioned! 

hal you call this that you wear.' — 'It 
' 1 have heard,' 
DUntryman, /heartily nettled at her 
m a poke, but never saw a sow 
tore.' ( 



JOE MILLER. 75 

261. Of all the disinterested professors I have 
ever heard of, I take the Boatswain of Dampier's ship 
to be the most impudent, but the most excusable. 
You are to know, that in the wild researches that navi- 
gator was making, they happened to be out at sea, 
far distant from any shore, in want of all the neces- 
saries of life ; insomuch, that they began to look, not 
without hunger, on each other. The boatswain was 
a fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes of 
the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity, all 
forms of superiority were laid aside. The captain 
and lieutenant were safe only by being carrion ; and 
the unhappy boatswain in danger only by being worth 
eating. To be short, the company were unanimous, 
and the boatswain must be cut up. He saw their in- 
tention, and desired he might speak a few words before 
they proceeded ; which being permitted, he delivered 
nimself as follows : ' Gentlemen sailors, far be it that 
I should speak it for any private interest of my own, 
but I take it, that I should not die with a good con- 
science, if I did not confess to you that I am not 
sound. I say, gentlemen, justice, and the testimony 
of a good conscience, as well as love of my country, 
to which I hope you will all return, oblige me to own, 
that black Kate of Deptford has made me very unfit 
to eat ; and I speak it with shame, I am afraid, gen- 
tlemen, I shall poison you.' — The speech had a good 
effect in the boatswain's favour ; but the surgeon of 
the ship protested he had cured him very well, and 
offered to eat the first steak himself. The boatswain 
replied, (like an orator, with a true notion of the 
people, and in hopes to gain time) that he was heartily 
glad if he could be for their service, and thanked the 
surgeon for his information: 'However, 'said he/I must 
inform you for your own good, that I have ever since 
my cure, been very thirsty and dropsical ; therefore 
I presume it will be much better to tap me, and drink 
me off, than eat me at once, and have no man in the 



7 g JOB MILLF.H. 

,hip fit to be drank afterwards.' As he was going on 
wlhs harangue, a fresh gale arose, and gave the 
cr'w hopes of a better repast at the nearest shore, to 
which they arrived next morning. 
".-A ruot „ parson, and his man riding over 
a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock .and 
having a new coat on, the parson asked him, ma 
haughty tone, who gave him that coat ; the same, said 
tC g sheV'd, 'that clothed you-the parish The 
parson, nettled at this, rode on, "urmunng, ' ht ™ 
way, and then bade his man go back, and i ask the 
rheuherd if he'd come and live with him, for he want- 
ed a fool. The man going accordingly to the shep- 
herd devered his mLteA message, and concluded 
as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. 

• Why. are you going away then,' said the shepherd. 

• \o /answered The other/ 'Then you may tell your 

.,«,' replied the shepherd. ' his living can t main- 

:!'1Y!-o U bLa» having presented IKing Charles 
Il.wUh a flue horse, his majesty bade ™&»£* 
was present, tell him his age, whereupon Ki ligrew 
goeslnd examines the tail : 'What are .you i do™* 
laid the king, ' this is not the place to find out his 
a ' '-*0 I Sir,' said Killigrew, ' your majesty knows 
one should never look a gift horse in the mouth. 

_ V voonc man, who was a very great talker, 
making a bargain wilh Isocrates to be taught by him ; 
'■rate. ask*l double the price that his other scholars 
gaSn* ' and the reason,' said he, - is, thatl mu. 
leach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other 
to hold thy tongue.' . . • 

J2j._X s,:.*>..ak of Dr. Busby's coming into a 
parlour where the doctor had laid down a fine bunch 
of grapes for his own eating, takes it up, and says 
aloud ' 1 publish the banns between these grapes 
and my mouth , if any one knows any just cause or 
impedLmt why these two should not be joined 



JOE MILLER 77 

together, let them declare it.' The doctor being but 
in the next room, overheard all that was said, and 
coming into the school, he ordered the boy who had 
eaten liis grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, 
horsed on another boy's back, but before he proceed- 
ed to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the 
delinquent had done ; • 1 publish the banns between 
my rod and this boy's breech, if any one knows any 
just cause or impediment why these two should not 
be joined together, let them declare it' — 'I forbid 
the banns,' cried the boy. 'Why so V said the 
doctor. ■ Because the parties are not agreed,' replied 
the boy. Which answer so pleased the doctor, who 
Joved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that 
he ordered the boy to be set down. 

266. — Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, 
for want of better diversion, one proposed play: ■ But,' 
said another of the company, ' I have fourteen good 
reasons against gaming.' — ■ What are those !' said 
another. — ' In the first place,' auswered he, ■ I have 
no money.' — ' Oh !' said the first, ' if you had four 
hundred reasons, you need not name another.' 

267. — A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solo- 
mon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one 
night at the tivern, ' Now,' said he, ' have I done 
as much as Samson, for I have slain my thousands 
and my ten thousands.' — « Yes,' answered one of the 
company, ' and with the same weapon too, the jaw- 
bone of an ass.' 

268. — When the late Duke of went over 

lord-lieutenant of Ireland, he took an excellent man 
cook over with him, but they had not been there 
above a month, than, finding his grace kept a very 
scurvy house, he gave him warning. ' What's the 
reason,' said the duke, ■ that you have a mind to leave 
me V — ' Why, if I continue with your excellency 
much longer/ answered the cook, ' I shall quite for- 
get my trade.' 



78 J.h. Mil i.i R, 

it Joe Miller going one day along the 
Strand, an impudent Derby captain came 

up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. 
1 I don't D - the wall,' said he, * to every 

i napes.' — ' l>ut I do,' said Joe, and so made way 
for him. 

'270. — \ (i ur\i\ officer in the Guards telling one 
it, in company with .loe Miller, of several won- 

il things be had seen abroad, among the rest he 
told the company, he had seen a pike caught that 

mx feet long. 'That's a trifle,' said Joe, 'I 
have seen a half pike, in Kngland, longer by a foot, 
and yet not worth two-pence. ' 

871. — A i.iMiiMiN having a servant with a very 
thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. 
' I wish,' said the fellow one day, ■ you could make 
your words good, I should then be the greatest mo- 
narch in the world.' 

A i iwter being sick, made his last will, 
ami gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being 

I the reason for so doing ; ' From such,' said he, 
' I had it, and to such I give it again.' 

iiiikf being brought to Tyburn to be 
executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last 
confession, asked him if he was not sorry for having 

nitted the robbery for which he was going to 
suffer 1 The criminal answered, ■ Yes, but that he 

more sorry for not having stole enough to bribe 
the jury.' 

Jf74. — \ « mi \iv poor unfortunate gentleman was 
so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he 

in continual apprehension of them, and going 
one day through Tavistock street, his coat sleeve, as 
along in a hurry, happened to 
hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails ; where- 
upon he immediately turned about, in a great sur- 

- , and cried out, ' At whose suit, Sir ? at whose 
suit r 



JOF MILLLR. 79 

27:>. — Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose co- 
medians, going one day through Rag- Fair, a place 
where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a leg 
of mutton, he saw hang up there, at a butcher's stall. 
The butcher told him it was a groat a pound. ' Are 
you not an unconscionable fellow,' said Spiller, ' to 
ask such a price, when one may buy a new one for 
that in Clare Market ' 

276 — A soldier in the late wars, a little before 
an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in 
his girdle ; shortly after, in the heat of the action, a 
bullet came and hit him upon that part. ■ Well/ 
said he, ■ I find a little armour will serve a turn, if 
it be but put in the ri^ht place.' 

277. — A late archbishop having promised one of 
his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good 
living in his gift, that he should like, and think 
worthy his acceptance : soon after hearing of the 
death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth 
about 300/. a year, sent his chaplain to the place to 
see how he liked it ; the doctor, when he came back 
again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made 
him ; but said, he had met with such an account of 
the country, and the neighbourhood, as was not at 
all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, 
if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell : 
another vacancy not long after happening, the arch- 
bishop sent him also to view that ; but he returned 
as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much 
please his grace : a third living much belter than 
either of the other becoming vacant, as he was told, 
the chaplain was again sent to take a view of that ; 
and when he came back, l Well, now,' said my lord, 
1 how do you like this living 1 What objection can 
you have to this V — ' I like the country very well, 
my lord,' answered he, ■ and the house, the income, 
and the neighbourhood, but .' ' But f re- 
plied the archbishop, • what&ut can ihere be then V 



Ml» MM MR. 

'. mv lord,' said lie, ■ the old Incumbent is not 
1 found him smoking his pipe at the gate of 
Ins bo 

city ladies meeting at a visit, one a 
groc< id the other a cheesemonger's (who 

food more upon the punctilio of precedence, 
than some of their betters would have done at the 
court end of the town), when they had risen up and 
took their leaves, the cheesemonger's wife was going 
out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, 
pulli k by the tail of her gown, and step- 

before her, ' No, Madam,' said she, * nothing 
es after cheese.' 
279. — You mo Griffith Lloyd of the county or 
Car«: g sent to Jesus-College in the Univer- 

sity of Oxford, where be was looked upon as an er- 
rant dunce, had ■ calf-skin waistcoat, tann'd with 
the hair on, and trimm'd with a broad gold-lace, and 
gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent 
punster, said, that Griffith was like a dull book, 
bound in ealf-skin and gilt, but very ill lettered. 

280. — The famous Tony Lee, a player in king 

Charles the Second's reign, being killed in a tragedy, 

having a violent cold, could not forbear coughing as 

he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioning a 

Rood deal of laughing and noise in the house, he 

lifted op his head, and speaking to the audience, 

1 This makes rood what my poor mother used 

to tell me ; for she would often say that I should 

I used to think in mi/ Por- 

in such good humour, that 

'■lap, and made every one 

lily pardon the solecism he had before com- 

imtt 

281.— Tom 8 , the organist of St. M , 

being reckoned to have s fine finger, drew many peo- 
ple to h'-ar him, whom he would oftentimes entertain 
with a voluntary after evening service, and his au- 



JOE MILLER. 81 

ditory seeming one day greatly delighted with his 
performance, after the church was cleared, ' Adad, 
Sir/ said his organ-blower, ' I think we did rarely to 
day.' — 'We, sirrah,' said Tom. — 'Ay, we, to be 
sure,' answered the other : ' What would you have 
done without me 1 The next sunday Tom sitting 
down to play, could not make his organ speak, where- 
upon calling to the bellows-blower, asked him what 
he meant ? Why he did not blow ? ■ Shall it be u e 
then?' said the other. Which Tom was forced to 
consent to, or there had been no music. 

282. — A cfrtais French gentleman, having been 
but a very little while in England, was invited to a 
friend's house, where a large bowl of punch was 
made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which 
did not at all agree with him ; but having forgot the 
name of it, he asked a person the next day, ■ What 
dey call a dat liqueur in England, which is all de 
contradiction ; where isde brandy to make it strong, 
and de vater to make it small, de sugre to make it 
sweet, andde lemons to make it sower V — ' Punch,' 
answered the other, ■ I suppose you mean.' — ' Ay, 
Ponche, begar,' cried Monsieur, ' it almost ponche 
my brain out last night' 

283. — A Philosopher being blamed byastander- 
by, for defending an argument weakly against the 
Emperor Adrian, replied, ■ What, would you have 
me contend with a man that commands thirty legions 
of soldiers.' 

284. — Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, 
that it was reported the king was poor, and that they 
were seeking ways and means to make him rich ; 
but he added, ■ For my part, I think the best way 
to make the king rich, is to give him a good post, or 
office, for all his officers are rich.' 

285. — Zelim, the first of the Ottoman emperors 
that shaved his beard, his predecessors having always 
worn it long, being asked by one of his bashaws, 
E 2 



USi m i i i I i;. 

wli\ he altered the custom of bis predecessors! an- 

mi btshawa shall not load me by 

yOU did them.' 

li being told Antigonus, in order to intimi- 

liim, as he inarched to the field of battle, that 

the enemy would shoot such volleys of arrows as 

would intercept the light of the sun : 'lam glad of 

it,' replied he, ' for it being very hot, we shall then 

fight in the shade.' 

VB7. — An Irish gentleman gave orders for a pair 
of boots ; and when his measure was taken, he ob- 
served to the boot-maker, that as one of his legs was 
bigger than the other, the boots must be made ac- 
lingly; when they were brought home he put the 
big boot on the small leg, and after trying in vain 
the small boot on the big leg, he exclaimed, ' Oh, 
you thief of the world, 1 ordered you to make one 
boot bigger than the other, and instead of this you 
have made one smaller than tfte other.' 

288. — Sm John Stuart Hamilton, a man of grea 
pleasantry, was colonel of the carabineer regiment, 
composed of his countrymen, in the German war; 
and one morning, when the allied troops were drawn 
out against the enemy in order of battle, the carabi- 
iwith some other cavalry corps were posted upon 
the right wing, opposite to a strong body of French 
l( a considerable distance upon the enemy's 
left The commanders of the corps associated with 
those of Sir John, advanced in the front of their re- 
nts, were haranguing their men to conciliate all 
their officers, and exhorting them to 
valour, and strict discipline, for the honour 
of their country in the approaching engagement. 
When they had finished their speeches, Sir John 
i in the front of his own regiment, and ad 
them with, 'Good-morrow, my lads, how 
stand your stomachs for fighting this morning?' — 
1 Keen enough, colonel,' answered several of the 



JOE MILLER. 83 

brave fellows. — 4 Then I can tell you, my lads, for 
your comfort, that you'll have a belly-full of it before 
night. But hark ye ! I see it is the fashion to make 
fine speeches here ; I think few words amongst friends 
are best. Do you see them fellows yonder V point- 
ing to the French cavalry. — ' We do,' answered the 
soldiers. — ' Then,' said the commander, ' I have only 
to tell you, that if you don't kill them, they '11 kill 
you : so a word to the wise is enough.' The gallant 
regiment took the hint, and covered themselves with 
glory during the action. 

289. — Sir John, who had severely suffered in 
person and circumstances from the persecutions of 
the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a 
hedge-hog, for it was impossible to touch him any 
where without pricking one's fin. 

'290. — The same witty baronet, lounging one day 
in Dalby's chocolate-house, when, after a long 
drought, there fell a torrent of rain : a country gen- 
tleman observed, ' This is a most delightful rain ; I 
hope it will bring up every thing out of the ground/ 
— ' By Jove, Sir,' said Sir John, ' I hope not ; for I 
have sowed three wives in it, and I should be very 
sorry to see them come up again.' 

291- — Sir John being balloted on an election 
committee, was a good deal embarrassed, sitting day 
after day, without any prospect of a termination, 
as the counsel on both sides wrangled upon every 
tittle of the evidence, and disputed upon points of 
law that were continually arising. At length the 
baronet addressed the counsel, ' Gentlemen, I've got 
such a dose of law that I am completely surfeited. 
Can't you go through the evidence, and reserve those 
law points for some wet day, when we may hear you 
argue them fairly.' — ' For the honour of the profes- 
sion,' answered Counseller Hockett, 'God forlid, 
Sir John, that there was any point could arise on 
which the lawyers would not agree in opinion.' 



84 Mil I IK 

A i ai»y observing in company, how glo- 
rious ami ttteful I body the sun was, — ' Why, yes, 
mtda iu Irish gentleman present, 4 the sun 

fine body, to be sure , but, in my opinion, 
tlu- moon is much more useful ; for the moon affords 
us light in the night-time, when we really want it; 
•re have the sun with us in the day-time, 
when we have no occasion for it.' 

hii.y alter the last memorable victory 
of Lord Rodney, on the Itth of April, 178*. the fol- 
lowing British bulls in a London newspaper, excited 
considerable mirth amongst the wags in Ireland, who 
observed, that although the English are great bun- 
glers in making bulls for Irishmen, they are some- 
- good hands at making blunders of their own. 
The Yille de Paris, of 110 guns, taken in Lord 
Rodney's engagement with the French, on the l L 2ih 
\pril, and lost in coming home from the West 
Indies, is to be rebuilt at Chatham, and the Fou- 
droyant, of 80 guns, broken up last year, is to be 
rebuilt at Plymouth, in order to perpetuate their 
Kami 

294. — A judge, on passing sentence of death upon . 
an Irishman, said as usual, ' 1 have nothing now to 
:t to pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon 
.'— * Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account,' 
rupted Pat. — ' I must do my duty,' resumed the 
• You must go from hence to the place of 
;(ion, where you are to be hanged by your neck 
till you are dead ; and the Lord have mercy on your 
soul!'—' I am much obliged to you,' says the pri- 
soner, ■ but I ni 1 of any one thrivuig after 
■ is.' 

officer, after having read the ac- 
coui rebel thief 

lat I read 
the gipsies as 
man) I me.' 



JOE MILLER. 85 

'296. — A QrAKFit, that was a barber, being sued 
by the parson for tithes, Yea and Nay went to him, 
and demanded the reason why he troubled him, as he 
had never any dealing with him in his whole life ; 
1 Why,' says the parson, * it is for tithes.' — ■ For 
tithes,' says the quaker, ■ I pr'ythee friend upon what 
account?' — ' Why,' says the parson, • for preaching 
in the church.' — ' Alas, then,' replied the quaker, 'I 
have nothing to pay thee ; for I come not there-' — 
1 Oh, b.ut you might,' says the parson, ' for the doors 
are always open at convenient times ;' and thereupon 
said he would be paid, seeing it was his due. Yea 
and Nay hereupon shook his head, and making se- 
veral wry faces, departed, and immediately entered 
his action (it being a corporation town) against the 
parson for forty shillings. The parson, upon notice 
of this, came to him, and very hotly demanded, why 
he put such disgrace upon him ; and for what he 
owed him the money ! ' Truly, friend,' replied the 
quaker, ' for trimming.' — ' For trimming?' said the 
parson, ■ why I was never trimmed by you in my 
life.' — ' Oh ! but thou mightest have come and been 
trimmed, if thou hadst pleased, for my doors are al- 
ways open at convenient times, as well as thine.' 

297. — Specimen of Cockney diction, transcribed 
from the original, stuck up in a window on Ludgate 
Hill, in 1789 : 

' To be seen hear, the 20 third of this month, the 
King, and his Crown, and Dig Nighty, in a perces- 
sion to Sint Pals' Church. — Front Parlore, 9s. Gd. 
di . ng rome, 5s. two pare stares, 4s. garret, Is. gut- 
te , 6d. N. B. I vont heve no more nor ten in 
the gutter, nor no money returned in case as how it 
rains.' 

298. — Sir Toby Butler the famed Irish barrister, 
once invited Sir Charles Coote to dinner ; he knew 
that his guest valued himself on a long list of ances- 
try, in which Sir Toby could have rivalled him if he 



06 MILLER. 

hail not prised himself on his own merit. At dinnei 

I ohy Uted to cry OUt, * 1*11 mv cousin Pit the 
butler, tell my cousin Oonah the cook, t"ll my cou- 
,, such and such a thing.' — 
1 What,' said Sir Charles, in a degree of surprise, ' 1 
find that all your servants are your relations.' — • To 
be sure.' said the knight, ' i> it not more praisewor- 
thy to retain my own relations for servants than to 
keep you i 

DocTon KnnvAN, the celebrated Irish cbe- 
. having one day at dinner with him a paity of 
friends, was descanting upon the antiseptic qualities 
of charcoal, and added, that it" a quantity of pulve* 
I charcoal were boiled together with tainted meat, 
it would remove all symptoms of putrescence, and 
render it perfectly tweet Shortly afterwards, the 
doctor helped a gentleman to a slice of boiled leg of 
mutton, which was so far advanced in the haut-gout 
as to shed an odour not very agreeable to the noses 
of the company. The gentleman repeatedly turned 
it upon ins plate, without venturing to taste it; and 
the doctor observing him said, ' Sir, perhaps you 
don't like mutton V — ' O yes, doctor,' he replied, ' I 
am very fond of mutton, but I do not think the cook 
has boiled charcoal enough with it.' 

300.— !)(.< mi! [a cas, the celebrated Irish patriot, 
i very sharp contest, carried the elec- 
tion tive in parliament for the city of 
Dublin, was met, a few days alter, by a lady whose 
whole family were ver) warm in the interest of the 
nididate; ' Well, doctor,' said she, 
Bed the election.' — ' Yes, ma- 
• No wonder, lir, nil the blackguards voted 
.ou.' — ' No, madam, your nto sons did not,' re- 
turned the doctor. 

a, eminent for his good hu- 
mour and pleasantry, was invited to dine on a Friday 
with a Catholic friend, and the table was as usual 



JOF. MILLER. 87 

on that day, covered exclusively with fish. Gaynor, 
who was particularly fond of haddock, seated himself 
near a very large one, but soon received intelligence, 
through the medium of his nose, that it was not too 
fresh. He put down his mouth to the head of the 
fish, and anon returned his ear to the same place, as 
if he was conversing with it. The lady of the house 
asked him what he wished, or was there any thing 
particular? ' Nothing, madam,' said he, * but I was 
asking this haddock if he knew any thing of my poor 
friend, Captain Murphy, who was drowned off the 
harbour last Monday ■, but he tells me, that he knows 
nothing of the matter, for he has'nt been to sea these 
three uetks.' 

302. — Dr. O'Connor, in his History of Poland, 
says, that the Irish are long-lived ; that some of them 
attain to the age of a hundred : ' In short,' adds the 
doctor, ' they live as long as they can.' 

303. — Loro Tyrawley, a little before his death, 
was visited by several Englishmen, who came under 
a pretence of friendly inquiries after his health, but 
in reality to see if he was dying, that they might 
apply for his employments. The old general, seeing 
clearly their motives, said to some of them, ' Gen- 
tlemen, I know well your reasons for being so soli- 
citous after my health. I have but two things worth 
having, my regiment and my girl, neither of which 
will fall to your lot ; I'll tell you how they will be 
disposed of ; a Scotchman will get the one, and an 
Irishman the other.' 

304. — Deaf, giddy, helpless, left alone, 
To all my friends a burthen grown, 
No more I hear my church's bell, 
Than if it rang out for my knell ; 
At thunder now no more 1 start, 
Than at the rumbling of a cart : 
Nay, what 's incredible, alack ! 
I hardly hear a woman's clack. 



88 

one day leaning over 

Fter a tremendom storm on the 

r. ' You ha?e bid a blustering ni^ht 

of it,' said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, 
' but after a storm comes a calm.' — 4 By my sowl, 
and so it ought, 1 says Tat, ' for the winds and waves 
had a hard night's bout of it, and it's time for thein 
to rest themselves.' 

-An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of 
the clergy in exacting their tithes, said, ' By Jasus, 
I farmer be ever so poor, they won't fail to make 
him pay their full tenths, whether he can or not ; 
nay, they would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, 
if the law permitted them.' 

-Mh. St. Lioe*, the father of the gallant 
general, was a very strong man, but remarkably fop- 
pish in hi < >ne morning, walking along in 
his red slippers, he was passing by a mud cart, when 
the scavenger called out jeeringly, ■ Smoke Mr. Red- 
heels !' Mr. St. Leger went up to him, and, taking 
hold of him by the waistband of his breeches, flung 
him into the cart, and then walked on with the great- 
est cooln» 

308. the late siege of Gibraltar, in the 

absence of the fleet, and when an attack was daily 
expected, one dark night, a sentinel, whose post was 
near a tower facing the Spanish lines, was standing 
at the end of his walk, whistling ; looking towards 
them, his head filled with nothing but fire and sword, 
mint .ng, storming, and bloodshed ! By 

the side of tho box stood a deep narrow-necked 
earthen jug, in which was the remainder of his sup- 
per, monkey, 
■ are plenty at the top of the rock), 
( , and allured by the 
smell of the pease, ventured to the jug; and, in en- 
ouring to -_ ntents, thrust his neck so 
far into the jug, as to be unable to withdraw it. 



JOE MILLER. 89 

At this instant, the soldier approaching, the monkey 
started up to escape, with the jug on his head. This 
terrible monster no sooner saluted the eyes of the 
sentry, than his frantic imagination converted poor 
pug into a fine blood-thirsty Spanish grenadier, with a 
most tremendous cap on his head. Full of this dread- 
ful idea, he instantly fired his piece, roaring out that 
the enemy had scaled the walls. The guards took 
the alarm ; the drums were beat ; signal-guns fired : 
and in less than ten minutes, the governor and his 
whole garrison were underarms. The supposed gre- 
nadier, being very much incommoded by his cap, 
and almost blinded by the pease, was soon overtaken 
and seized ; and by this capture, the tranquillity of 
the garrison was soon restored, without that slaughter 
and bloodshed which every man had prognosticated 
in the beginning of this direful alarm. 

309. — Daniel Purcell, who was an Hibernian 
and a nonjuror, was telling a friend, when King 
George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had 
a full view of him: 'Then,' said his friend, 'you 
know him by sight.' — ■ Yes,' replied Daniel, ■ I think 

I know him, but I can't swear to him.' 

310. — An Irish sailor having fallen from the 
mizen-top of one of our ships, was supposed by every 
one on the quarter-deck, to have been killed by the 
fall : the poor fellow, however, got up, apparently 
but little hurt. The first lieutenant, who was near 
him, inquired where he came from. ■ Please your ho- 
nour,' replied Paddy, all the while rubbing his arm, 

I I came from the north of Ireland.' 

311. — Blind Peter, the Dublin shoe-black, was 
one day summoned as a witness in a case of murder, 
before the criminal court, and was, as usual, primed 
with whiskey. One of his companions had mortally 
wounded a carman with his spud, or scraping knife, 
and Peter attended as a witness for the prisoner. 
After a description of the circumstances which led to 



90 Mill 1 K. 

tin- catastrophe, in a style of phraseology perfectly 
unintelligible to the court, Karon Dawson observed, 
'This %v itn<* >s ia quite beyond my understanding 

, fellow, be more explicit, and tell us what you 
rered, ' Blur an ounds, my lord, 

sure I'm not obliged to find you evidence and under- 
ling too, and if your lardship does'nt know de 
, dat's not my fault.' 

mid the best way to manage 
the witness uas to bid him tell his own story, in the 
plainest way he could, and Peter proceeded : — 

' Well den, please your lordship, my gossup at de 
bar was challenged by de carman to sky de coppers 
for a pint of de stuff ; and so dey pulled out their 
fn//>s, and tossed up for the best in tree. Music, 
says de carman, moss 'ids, says my gossup, and he 
won. You flushed detn, by de hokey, says the car- 
man.— You lie, by G — , said my gossup. So w id 
dat, my lord, dey agreed to edge de make at a motty ; 
but dere de carman had no change, for my gossup 
bed de tpud so tight every pitch, dat if it was 
butter he'd ha' stuck in it. So upon dat, your ho- 
nour, de carman miffed and began to be snotty. Your 
soul to de ^ullic j , says my gossup, what d'ye mean 
It you have a mind for a raw, peel yourself, 
■w 11 see it out in a genteel way My gossup is 
bit of fie lb, my lord, as ever nipp*d de weed. 
And so upon dat de carman did'nt do de decent ting ; 
for while my gossup wt&btanehinghii bacon, and just 
taking off hi> //o'< bag, what does de caiman do, my 
lord, but he gave him a dub with his daddle, upon 
de suottri -hoi , and brought d<- claret about his mug. 
lilue blazes to your soul, you bloody tief, said I, 
I not fair; — you struck de man in his own shop: 
p had his foot in de basket all de 
whil( I dat, my lord, he struck him again ; 

and up up wid his chir, and swore he'd 

give him guts for garters ; but I dun'na how it hap- 



JOE MILLER. 91 

pened dat de carman fell agen him, and somehow 
or other, my gossup greased the chir m his tripes.* 

The judge, who was not the mildest man in the 
woild, said to the witness, ■ Get down, you ruffian, 
there is no understanding your jargon.' 

Peter with great gravity, replied, ■ Oh, by Jasus, 
since dat's de case I'm off; but I'll call to-morrow 
when you're sober, may be you'd be civiller den.' 

Perhaps a glossary to the evidence may be as ne- 
cessary to the reader, as it was to the judge. To 
sky de coppers, means to toss up halfpence ; louse 
traps, their combs used in tossing. Music, signifies 
harps (the impression on Irish halfpence) ; mazzards, 
head. Edging de makes at a m t >tty, means pitching 
halfpence at a particular stone, and he that pitched 
nearest was the winner. Stuff, means whiskey ; 
miffed, means got angry : and snotty, means saucy. 
Ripping deweed, implies chewing tobacco. Peeling, 
or blanching his bacon, means stripping naked. Dub 
with his daddle upon the snotter-boi and bringing 
the claret about his mug, means a stroke with his 
fist that produced a bloody nose ; and the chir, is the 
short scraping knife used* by the shoe-blacks. With 
these illustrations the testimony of Peter may per- 
haps be somewhat more intelligible to the English 
reader. 

312. — A poor physician, half doctor, half play- 
wright, who from all his exertions in the services of 
Hippocrates and Thespis, could scarcely keep life 
and soul together, was one morning posting to break- 
fast with a patron, in his threadbare sables ; but 
had on a pair of new white silk stockings, fie 
stopped by the way to have his crab shells japanned, 
i. e. his shoes blacked, by the redoubtable Peter ; and 
when the job was finished, he tendered the operator 
half-a-crown to receive the difference. Peter wanted 
to leave him in care of his shop, while he went in 
search of change. The doctor could not wait, not 



92 JoF. MILLER, 

would he trust bim with the coin. Peter would not 
give credit, ami the doctor must not depart without 
ing for his services. The doctor, exasperated, 
i ml > ( \utnd relied the operator most furiously. 
r replied in pointed slang. At length, however, 
finding the halfpenny was not forthcoming, he n 
' Well, if I am to give credit, let me finish the job 
decently ; put your honour's feet togeder dat I may 
give de finishing touch;' which, being done, Peter 
with his polishing tool repeatedly slapped the doctor 
across both knees. The doctor became outrageous, 
struck the operator several times with his cane about 
the head, and then darted off in a fury. Some per- 
sons in the crowd now collected asked Peter if he 
knew his customer : ■ Aye,' says Peter, ' he is only a 
lousy glister pipe, a mere foot soldier in the sei-vice of 
death. 

.—During the rebellion of 1798, while the 
regiment of ancient Britons were gallantly carrying 
the terrors of fire and sword through the Wicklow 
and Wexford mountains, under the command of 
Lieut.-Colonel Wardle, their commander-in-chief, 
Sir W. W. Wynne, was detained at Dublin, by a 
slight wound in the hand, which, however, did not 
ent him from walking about the streets daily, 
with his arm in a crape sling; while his iron shod 
boots, and his trailing scimitar, raised such a clatter 
on the pavement, as could not fail to impress the 
rabble with the terrors of his warlike presence. 

1 ing one day by the laboratory of Black Dick, 
who succeeded Blind Peter, the shoe-black, the 
artist iys to his master, ' I believe dat's de 

lev call Sir Watkin Win, of the Welsh horse.' 
4 Well, and what of that V answered Dick. ■ Noting,' 
the deputy, * only dey say he's a great 
hero ; but I don't tink he looks much like one.' — 
' Vunr ioul to the gallice !' rejoined Dick, ' Do you 
want a goose to look like an eagle V 



JOE MILLER. 93 

314. — Lord Chancellor Clare, who seemed anxious 
to banish from his appearance in the streets all sem- 
blance of his rank, usually walked from his house, 
whether to the courts, or to the House of Lords, in 
his boots, a jockey frock, and a brown bob-wig, and 
was, as the phrase is, ' up to all the cants of the 
mob.' One day he arrived in the House of Lords 
to take the woolsack, and was wigged, robed, and in 
his place, long before any of the peers attended, or 
even the servants of the house expected his presence. 
He repeatedly called for the deputy BUich Rod, an old 
Milesian named Bryant Connor, who was just then 
so engaged that he could not conveniently attend 
his lordship ; but some minutes after arrived, when 
Lord Clare, in his jocular way, says to him, ■ Why, 
Connor, you o\d dust, I've been calling you this half- 
hour ; what's the reason you don't attend the call of 
the house V — ■ Because, my Lord,' answered Connor, 
1 1 was engaged in attending the calls of Natkur.' 

315. — It was one of the prominent complaints 
against Lord Clare, in his elevation to the seals, that 
he carried his political antipathies with him even to 
the Equity Bench, and those barristers who were 
members of parliament, and had opposed the noble 
lord in his politics while Attorney-General, usually 
received his marked discountenance in the Court of 
Chancery. Mr. Ponsonby, Mr. Curran, Mr. Egan, 
Mr. Fox, and several others, experienced those marks 
of antipathy in a way highly injurious to their pro- 
fessional pursuits, and have more than once thrown 
down their briefs, and quitted the court with marks 
of disgust and resentment ; while a junior barrister, 
a nephew of the noble lord, without talents or popu- 
larity, was distinguished by his marked attention, as 
if with a view to throw grist into his empty bag. 
The noble lord had a favourite companion, a large 
Newfoundland dog, which not only accompanied him 
through the streets, but generally sat wi»h him on 



94 MM. ER. 

the Chan< . One day while that celebrated 

• I . Mr. Outran, was addressing his lordship in 

loqueat speech, Lord Clare, with marked inat- 
tention and noii-i'hdltincc, continued playing with his 

. and fondly patting him on the back. Mr. 

an, who bad observed this for a considerable 
time with patience, at length made a full pause. 
The Chancellor missing the barrister's voice, sud- 
denly turned, and said, * Are you done, Mr. Curran?' 
Mr. Curran resumed, and addressing the peer and 
his canine colleague, answered, ' No, my Lords, I 
thought your Lordshipt were in consultation, and I 

unwilling to interrupt your Lordships. But now, 
my Lords, it \our Lordships are disposed to attend, 
1 shall proceed. Then, may it please your Lord- 
ships, as I was proceeding to observe — ' The Chan- 
cellor felt the hit, beat down his dog, laughed heartily, 
apologized for his inattention, and requested Mr. 
Curran to proceed with his argument. 

.Si 6 — The late Father O'Leary, of witty celebrity, 
had once a pamphleteering war of polemics with the 
protestant bishop of Cloyne, in which the prelate in- 
veighed with great acrimony against the superstitions 
of popery, and particularly against the doctrine of 
purgatory. Father O'Leary, in his reply, slily ob- 
served, ' that much as the bishop disliked purgatory, 
be ii i)l y go much farther, and fare worse.' 

I iish gentleman, being asked some time 

< , what brought him to London, he answered, 
that became to see the invisibU girl, 

Mr. Forbes, one of the whig mem* 

of the [rith Parliament, and afterwards gover- 
nor of the Bahama Islands, was a remarkably tall 
lank man and a very facetious companion. lie was 
invited one day to dine with a convivial party, of 
which honest Tom Edwards, the witty surgeon, was 
to make one. While the company were waiting in 
the drawing-room for the arrival of Mr Fo bes, Ed- 



JOE KILLBft. 95 

wards was leaning out of the window ; some carpen- 
ters passing under it at the moment, with a long 
wooden rain-spout payed over with pitch — Edwards 
suddenly started, and turned to the company, ex- 
claiming, 4 God bless my soul ! poor fellow ! I never 
heard a word of his death.* — ' Whose death ?' asked 
several of the company. — ' Aye,' said Edwards, with 
a heavy sigh, ' poor Forbes, for whom we are waiting/ 
— 4 Dead !' says one ; * Forbes dead V says another. 
— ' Xo,' says a third, ' I saw him yesterday.' — ■ Oh ! 
if you doubt my words,' said Edwards, ■ I suppose 
you'll believe your own eyes. — Look out of the win- 
dow, and you'll see his coffin going by :' pointing to 
the spout on the carpenters' shoulders. 

319.— The veteran counsellor Caldbeck, one day 
cross-examining a country fellow, as a witness, asked 
him in several ways, what he thought a particular 
person to be, from his own knowledge, hearsay, or 
belief; but could extract no other answer than that, 
4 he did not know, and could not tell.' — ' Come 
fellow/ said the counsellor, ' answer me on your 
oath : what would you take me to be, if you did not 
actually know my person, and should meet me in the 
street]' — ' Why then,' says the fellow, ■ since you 
ask me, I will tell you, Sir. — By vartue of my 
oath, if you had not that wig and gown upon you, I 
should take you fora/iif/ j outd pedlar:' (a palpable 
hit). The learned counsellor was silenced. 

310. — As an Irishman was crossing the horse- road 
in Fleet Street, a one-horse chaise came very near 
him. when the driver bid him take care, when Paddy 
exclaimed, ' By Jasus, if you run over me, I'll knock 
you down.' 

SSI. — Robert Laing, a farmer of very eccentric 
habits in the north of England, staying some time 
at an inn at Leicester, run up a bill that he was un- 
able to pay, and was in consequence rather harshlv 
treated by the landlord, who swore, that if he did 



96 jo i M1LLEE. 

not clear the whole by the next fair Jay he would 
sell his bo charge it. When the day came, 

and Master Boniface was preparing to put his threat in 
execution, Laing petitioned for a few hours grace, and 

>ole use of one of the stables ; which being granted, 

he sent the town-crier into the most public parts of 

the town, to proclaim, that at such an inn, there was 

just arrived a wonderful and miraculous horse, which 

to be seen by all curious persons for sixpence a 

<•, with his head where his tail should be. So 
attractive an advertisement drew an amazing crowd 
of persons, who, on paying their fee, and being shewn 
into the stable, found poor Ilosinante with his tail 
tied to the manger. This each of them thought too 
good a jest to be enjoyed singly, and not wishing to 
be laughed at, blazoned the marvellous horse in such 
glowing colours, that the fellow, who stood at the 
door, received money enough to have bought the fee 
simple of the stable. 

-The wit and pleasantry of the late Mark 
Supple are fresh in the memory of his numerous ac- 
quaintance, and well known to all the curious and 
eccentric circles of Westminster within the last 
twenty years. He was an able and eminent reporter 
of the debates in Parliament, and acquitted his du- 
ties in that department with singular excellence, even 
when tipsey, during the whole of a debate. Attend- 
ing in a crowded gallery one evening, when an im- 
portant question was to come on, and the house ex- 

•,ly full on both sides, Mi. Pitt, and the whole 
of the ministerial phalanx were in their places ; Mr. 
Addinjjton in the chair, maintaining, with solemn gra- 
vity, the dignity of his office, and the whole assembly 
mute as mummies in a catacomb, the house had all the 
appearance of a Quakers' meeting. Supple, tipsey as 

1 1, gravely took his pinch of snuff, and broke in upon 
the silence of the house with an address to the chair : 
— ' Mr. Speaker! — hiccup — I'll be very much obliged 



JOE MILLER. 97 

if you'll be so good as to give us a song.' The 
Speaker was quite electrified. Mr. Pitt burst into a 
loud and immoderate fit of laughter, and several 
other members, after many fruitless endeavours to 
preserve their gravity, followed his example. The 
Speaker called out, ' Serjeant at arms, do your duty, 
and bring that person to the bar.' Tn an instant 
the serjeant flew to the gallery, and, with all the 
grim authority of office, inquired who was the man 
that presumed to insult the house. Nobody would 
peach ; but the serjeant was, by some silent finger, 
directed to Supple, upon whom the serjeant imme- 
diately seized. Supple, with great coolness, said, 
1 My dear fellow, you're quite mistaken ; that sly, 
drab coloured gentleman (pointing to a quaker 
seated in the front row, behind the clock) is the man 
who called for the song ; for my part, I have no 
taste for music.' The serjeant flew like lightning 
after poor Obadiah, and dragged him out of the gal- 
lery in spite of all remonstrances, and was only pre- 
vented from bringing him to the bar, by the assur- 
ance of a gentleman from the members' gallery, who 
witnessed, and laughed heartily at the joke, that the 
quaker was not the man. 

323. — A raw young Caledonian, who had re- 
cently made his debut in the gallery as a reporter, 
and had not got his ears into hearing order, could 
just distinguish something about a bill brought in by 
Mr. Curwen, ' For the collecting of the harbour 
dues in the Isle of Man.' The novice who sat next 
Supple, asked him what that bill was called, as he 
could not distinctly hear, ■ Oh !' says Supple, ' it is 
only a Bill to prevent the harbouring of Jews in the 
Isle of Man.' This item appeared in the Morning 
Chronicle of the ensuing day, and excited no small 
degree of consternation amongst ■ nw peoples' in 
Duke's Place, who are said to have very lucrative 
connexions with the smugglers in the island. 



98 JOE Mil 1 I !'. 

Lted in 
and nut feast ; and 

• lis., that tie 

with women hawking those frints in every qua 
A brace of thes< res, entering the hali of the 

Four Courts on that day, pressed Counsellor Shannon 
to buy some nuts. The counsellor answered, ' They 
es.' — ' They are the more 
your head, CoonRellor: 1 replied one of the nymphs, 
and j>asscd on crying her wi 

-A wow my alderman, captain of a volunteer 
corps at a field-day before Ixinl Cornwallis, 

ing his company to fall back, in order to dress 
with the line, and gave the word — ' Advance three 
' march !' 
the protracted debates upon the 
subject of public scarcity in 180 J, Air. Wilberforce 
one night made a long and able speech, in the course 
of which, he recommended great encouragement to 
the cultivation of potatoes, as a source of cheap food 
for the poor. A reporter, who was desirous of being 
attentive to every thing which fell from that honour- 
able gentleman, unluckily fell asleep, and only 
awaked just as Mr. \\ ilberforce was concluding. 
Be was extremely mortified at having missed the 
speech, and asked a droll ■ fellow-labourer,' the well 
known Charles Wilson, who sat next him, to detail 
the |( nts of the honourable member's argu- 

l be other told him, with great gravity, that 
Mr. Wilberforce had been extremely eloquent in re- 
commending the culture of potatoes, that he in- 

igantic stature, 

1 ihoulders, vigorous constitution, and comely 

itry, of whom he had seen 

nens in his walks through 

trden, and withal lamented 

and guardian! had not fed him in his 

early youth upon those salubrious roots, which would 



JOE MILLER. 99 

have rendered him tall and athletic, instead of the 
tiny person he was. 

This text was quite enough for the spinner of elo- 
quence, who amplified these points in his next day's 
paper, to a speech of four columns, without a single 
sentence of what Mr. Wilberforce had really uttered. 
On the next day, being at his post, as usual, .Air. 
Wilberforce rose with the identical newspaper in his 
hand. The call of 'Privilege! Privilege!' echoed 
from several voices, and Mr. Wilberforce addressed 
the chair, by expressing his unwillingness at all 
times to restrain the liberty of the press, or to oppose 
the standing orders of the house, against that usage 
which had long prevailed, of detailing in the public 
papers what passed there in discussion ; but where 
a gross misrepresentation was made of the speech of 
a member, it ought not to pass in silence. He held 
in his hand a report, purporting to be a report of his 
own speech the preceding night, and he would ap- 
peal to the house, whether it contained a syllable of 
what he had said. (Read ! read ! echoed from all 
sides.) Mr. Wilberforce put on his spectacles, and 
proceeded to the reading, but every sentence pro- 
duced in the house a burst of laughter, until he came 
to that part where he was stated to have lamented 
that he had not been early fed upon potatoes, and 
thereby rendered tall, broad-shouldered, and athletic, 
instead of the tiny person he was. This threw the 
house into a roar of laughter, when Mr. Wilberforce 
himself, dismounting his spectacles, good humour- 
edly joined in the laugh, and said, ' Well, I protest 
the thing is so ludicrous, that it is hardly worth se- 
rious notice, and I shall pursue it no farther.' 

3*7. — The humorist, whose hoax upon a brother 
reporter produced this incident, was well known in 
the literary circles, and ■ a fellow of infinite jest:' 
but though he was himself a person of much wit and 
poiutud satire, he feared foils more than Supple. 



100 Joe mil i.i.k. 

. like all wits, be dreaded a retort, and had 
scarcely temper enough to sustain a palpable hi* 
One night, in company with Supple at a conviw" 
party, Supple commenced a 'galling fire' upon hiii, 
and after exchanging a few shot, Wilson says to 
Supple, ' Oli ! Mark, we all know from whence you 
coin your jokes, Joe Miller to wit.' — ' My dear Wil- 
son,' said Supple, ' Wit you may have : but the less 
you say about coin the better, for it's a commodity in 
which you seldom deal.' This was touching on the 
rau of poor Wilson's feelings ; and he flew out of the 
room, fairly vanquished without venturing a reply. 

328. — A youno Munsterman, who w«is entered a 
midshipman on board Lord Packenham's ship, had 
the good fortune to escape unwounded ; and when he 
returned on shore at Cork was gratifying the curio- 
sity of his fond grandmother with a detail of the sea 
fight, ■ Dear me, child !' said the old lady, ' and 
e not the sailors all terribly frightened at the firing 
of the cannons and the shot flying about their heads.' 
4 Frightened !' answered the young hero, ' no more 
than if they were throwing snow-balls at each other. 

329. — Lewis XIV. asked Count Mahony, one day 
if he understood Italian? ' Yes, please your ma- 
jesty,' answered the count, 'if it was spoken in Irish.' 
A hi i) i.u to a capital house in Watling- 
street, being on a journey, was attacked a few miles 
beyond Winchester by a single highwayman, who, 
taking him by surprise, robbed him of his purse and 
pocket-book, containing cash and notes to a consi- 
derable amount. ■ Sir,' said the rider with great 
presence of mind, ' I have suffered you to take my 
property, and you are welcome to it. It is my mas- 
ter's, and the loss cannot do him much harm ; but 
as it will look very cowardly in me, to have been 
robbed without making any defence, I should take it 
kindly of you just to tire a pistol through my coat. 
— • With all my heart,' said the highwayman, ' where 



JOE MILLER. 101 

will you have the ballV — * Here,' said the rider, 'just 
by the side of the button.' The unthinking high- 
wayman was as good as his word ; but the moment 
he fired, the rider knocked him off his horse, and, 
with the assistance of a traveller, who just at that 
time arrived, lodged the highwayman in Winchester 
Gaol. 

331. — The late earl of S kept an Irish foot- 
man, and sent him one day with a present to a certain 
judge ; who in return sent my lord half a dozen live 
partridges with a letter ; the partridges fluttering in 
the basket upon Pat's back, as he was carrying them 
home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of 
it to quiet them, whereon they all flew away : ■ Oh ! 
the devil burn ye,' said he, ■ 1 am glad you are gone.' 
But when he came home, and my lord had read the 
letter : ■ Why, Pat,' said my lord, 'I find there are 
half a dozen partridges in the letter.' — ' Arrah,' said 
Pat, ■ I am glad you have found them in the letter ; 
for they all flew out of the basket, and I did not know 
what became of them.' 

332. — Counsellor Mackmahcn, had lately a 
client of his own country who was a sailor, and 
having been at sea for some time, his wife was mar- 
ried again in his absence, so he was resolved to pro- 
secute her ; and coming to advise with the counsel- 
lor, he told him he must have witnesses to prove that 
he was alive when his wife married again : ' Arrah, 
by my shoul, that shall be impossible,' said the other ; 
' for my shipmates are all gone to sea again, upon a 
long voyage, and shan't return this twelvemonth.' — 
' Oh then,' answered the counsellor, ■ there can be 
nothing done in it ; and what a pity it is that such 
a brave cause should be lost now, only because you 
cannot prove yourself to be alive.' 

333 — An officer in full regimentals passing 
through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he 
should come in contact with a chimney-sweep that 



\in JOB MILLKR. 

wards him, exclaimed, * Hold off, you 
• You were as black as me before you 
boiled, 1 cried sooty. 

A young man having asked an Hibernian 
Who was looked up to as zscholard, what was meant 
by the posthumous works of such a writer? ' Why,' 
said the other, ' posthumous works are those books 
which a man writes after lie is dead** 

-On a benefit night at the Dublin theatre, 
many particular friends of the actor were let in at a 
private door, before the great doors were opened, 
which when discovered, a gentleman cried out, in a 
ion, ' It is a shame they should till the house full 
of people, before any body comes !' 

An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a 
tleman who came to visit him in a morning a lit- 
tle ruffled, and being asked the reason, he replied he 
had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his 
room, that cost eighteen shillings ; but he hoped he 
should get them again, for he had ordered them to 
be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the person 
who brought them. His friend observing that this 
too poor a recompense for such a pair of silk 
stockings: 4 Pooh man,' replied he, 'I directed the 
iy they were worsted* 1 
—Admiral Thompson, when a midshipman, 
i '1 under the celebrated admiral, then commo- 
dore, just such a dashing fellow 
irane. He used to tell a 
m\ of an Hibernian tar on board his ship, 
who landed with a party of volunteers to surprise a 
tch fort, upon one of their islands in the West 
some hours before day- 
in a wood at a short 
, while the officer who led 
loitred the , 

of grog before he 
landed! sat down and fell asleep behind some brush- 



joe mil: . 103 

wood ; but the enemy having been apprized of the 
landing of the party, were advancing in force from 
the next village, with fifes and drums, towards the 
fcach, which taught the officers of the British to 
Lurry their men on board their boats, and return to 
the squadron ; but in the hurry of this retreat Pat 
was left behind. Having finished his nap by about 
six in the morning, when the day began to dawn, 
Pat, remembering the purpose for which he had 
landed, and missing his companions, without dream- 
ing of their retreat, advanced towards the French fort, 
which was only manned by a few soldiers, and the 
greater part of them were asleep in theii guard house. 
He scaled the wall, killed the first man he met with 
his cutlass, hauled down the French flag, and then 
run round the rampart, cheering most vociferously, 
with a pistol in one hand and his cutlass in the other. 
The officer of the enemy's guard, thinking the place 
was surprised by a strong force, readily surrendered 
hi> sword, and entreated mercy for his men, not more 
than a dozen in number; whom Pat, like a generous 
conqueror, permitted to retreat by the postern, with 
their lives, to the next village, about five miles' dis- 
tance, where the main force was quartered ; and 
having secured the gate, his next care was to over- 
haul the signal flags, where he had the good fortune 
to find a British ensign, which he immediately hoisted 
at the flag- staff, and stood by it cheering most voci- 
ferously, and flourishing his hat aloft, in hopes of 
attracting the notice of his commander, whose ships 
lay just out of gunshot in sight of the fort. 

The commodore, seeing the British flag fluttering 
over the French bastion, at first supposed it to be a 
decoy ; but some of Pat's shipmates recognised him 
through their glasses, and the boats were instantiy 
manned, and a strong party sent on shore, under the 
officer who had before commanded. Pat, overjoyed 
at their arrival, cheered still more loudly, and bid 



04 Jot HILLBB. 

thtin como round to the gate, whore the draw-bridgt 
Lown, and lie would give them admittance. 
He shortly detailed his operation ; but the officer, 
seeing there was no time to be lost, spiked all the 
guns, and laid a train to the magazine, and immedi- 
ately proceeded to his boats, having fired the train, 
and blown up the place. 

When Pat came on board, he was taken to task 
by the commodore for having deserted his party 
when on shore, and threatened to be put in irons for 
disobedience of orders. 'Oh! by Jasus, your ho- 
nour,' says Pat, ' if that is all the thanks I'm to get, 
only forgive me this time, and I'll never take any 
more French forts as long as I live again.' 

The commodore, highly diverted with his vindica- 
tion and promise of amendment, dubbed Pat a post- 
boatswain upon the spot, and made him a present of 
twenty guineas. — — ■" 

338. — Swift's Stella, who was an Irish lady, be- 
ing extremely ill, her physician said, ' Madam, you 
are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we 
shall endeavour to get you up again.' She replied, 
4 Doctor, I am afraid I shall be out of breath before 
I get to the top again.' 

1 in;} i fishermen in a smack from Baldryle, 
near Dublin, had proceeded some distance to sea op 
a professional trip, but were surprised by a dreadfu. 
ii, and blown some eighty leagues to the south- 
I. Completely out of their latitude, wet, hun- 
and exhausted, and without any compass or 
t on board, which even if they had, they would 
not know how to use, they fell in with an outward- 
1 Judiaman, which, the weather being more 
calm, they approached and hailed. * Whither are 
Wound, a-hoy V — ' To Bengal,' was the answer. 
— ' That's our own country,' answered the hailing 
fisherman, ' and we are bound there too, our pro- 
visions are all out, can you give us any V The cap- 



JOE MILLER. 105 

tain of the Indiaman rather surprised at their project 
of a voyage to Bengal in so small a vessel, bid them 
come alongside, and ordered them a tierce of pork, 
some bags of biscuit, and a keg of rum, and bid them 
fall into his wake, for the convenience of more easily 
sailing, as long as they could keep up. The poor 
fellows, thankful for his assistance, obeyed his in- 
structions, and after sailing two days and nights, and 
wondering they had not come to their destined port, 
hailed again, and demanded how long the voyage 
was to last ; they were astonished with the answer, 
* Perhaps five months with fair winds.' — ' Five 
months!' exclaimed the other, ' why Idur-an-ounds, 
we'd fetch it ourselves in eight- and- forty hours, if 
we knew which way to steer.' — ' Shiver my timbers !' 
roared the boatswain, ' then you must be Lapland 
witches.' However, this led to an explanation from 
the three adventurers that Fingal and not Bengal 
was the place of their destination, from which they 
were then about five days' sail. The captain pitying 
their situation, threw them a chart and a small com- 
pass, directing them to steer a north-east course. 
He might as well have thrown them a pot-lid, for the 
poor fellows knew nothing of charts and compasses, 
having studied all their navigation within their na- 
tive latitude, and rarely quit sight of the land. They 
however, contrived with a strong iron spike to nail 
the compass to their mast, and taking the sun for 
their compass, they kept as nearly as they could in 
the given direction, and by the favour of a brisk and 
favourable breeze which sprung up, reached their 
homes in about four days, to the great joy of their 
sorrowing friends and neighbours who had given 
them up for lost. 

340. — An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing 
some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, 
he'd lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his 
jacket. 

F 2 



106 JOB MILLER. 

ei in Ireland, a witness was 
asked, whether, on a former occasion, lie had not 
given a different account of the transaction? He 
admitted the fact, but said that he was then hum* 
■_• (I in the business. ■ Humbugged!* replied the 
tel, impatiently, ' 1 do not understand the 
phrase.' — 'J thought,' rejoined the witness, 'that, 
every body understood it : but to explain it by a fa- 
miliar instance— If I were to tell the noble lord on 
the bench, or the gentlemen who are sworn to try 
this cause, that you were an able counsel, that would 
be to humbug both judge and jury V 

— A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of 
the Mouse of Lords, in the affair of Captain Porteus, 
and telling of the variety of shots which were fired 
upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke 
01 Newcastle, what kind of shot it was? 'Why,' 
said the man, in bis broad dialect, ' sic as they shoot 
fools (fowls) wi', an' the like.' — 'What kind of 
fools V asked the duke, smiling at the word. — * Why, 
my lord, dukes (ducks), and sic kin o' fools.' 

;>!.'}. — An Irish gentleman was relating in com- 
pany that he saw a terrible wind the other night. 
id a wind!' said another, 'I never heard of a 
wind being seen . But, pray, what was it like?' — 
e to have blown my house about my ears,' re- 
plied the first. 

-A lad of the hod ascending one day with a 
portion of mortar, when he had attained about the 
middle story a vrrung of the ladder gave way under 
hit foot, and he fortunately landed, after a fall of 
thirt , with his sitting-part upon a heap of 

lie was instantly surrounded by a 
crowd who reckoned that he was killed. Pat, how- 
ever, but slightly hurt, instantly jumped upon his 
• round the crowd, said, ' I>y St. Pa- 
trick, I'll howld you a gallon of porther, the tightest 
amongst you won't do that.' 



Jut M1L1 I R. 107 

345. — During the mayoralty of Alderman Sir 
James Shaw, a tall raw-boned Irish sailor from Cork 
was brought before him, charged with a desperate 
assault upon one of the street keepers, who had taken 
him into custody for being riotous opposite the India 
House. This officer told a very formal story, that 
the defendant had assaulted him in the execution ot 
his duty, offered to mislest him, and he was very o>>- 
stropolous, and had struck him a violent blow on the 
head. 'What have you to say in your defence?' 
asked the grave magistrate — ' Do you believe him, 
my lord V said the Irishman, with a humorous look. 
■ — ' I must believe him,' replied the magistrate, ' un- 
it -3 you can prove to the contrary ' — ' Did you ever 
see a double jointed man, my lord ?' pulling up the 
sleeve of his jacket, and exhibiting his Herculeao 
arm, ■ if I struck him a blow on the head,' continue 1 
be, ' he'd never tell who kurted him, for devil a head 
he'd have on his shoulders. He might as well get a 
kick from one of your loidship's coach horses, as a 
u: hack of my fist.' — ■ Well, my good friend,' said the 
magistrate, who saw there was more of malice than 
truth in the accusation, 'you seem to be a good-hu- 
moured fellow, and if I dismiss you this time, will 
go quietly to your ship, and raise no more riots ?' — 
' Oh ! 'pon honour, my lord, as quiet as a lamb ; 
but hark'ee, Mister Street Keeper, no more of your 
Hurroo Pats, if you plase.' 

346. — Pat having paid London a visit for the 
first time on a Sunday, and seeing the ladies walking 
with their reticules in their hands, exclaimed, ' Ah ! 
by St. Patrick, the English girls I see are knowing 
ones ; no one, faith and troth, can pick their pockets, 
except they run away with their purses out of then 
hands.' 

347 — Carolan, the celebrated Irish bard, had an 
insatiable fondness for whiskey, and refusing his g:s- 
tification, was a certain method of raiding his sat'.ie* 



108 joi MILLS*. 

Hoidin^ for some time in the house of a parsimo. 
nious lady, be happened one day as he sat playing 
on his iiarp, to hear O'Flin the butler unlocking the 
cellar door, he instantly arose, and following the man, 
requested a glass of his favourite beverage ; but the 
fellow thrust him rudely out of the cellar, declaring 
be would give him nothing unless he had orders from 
ln> mistress. The insulted and indignant bard in- 
stantly uttered the following bitter epigram : — 

• What a pity hell gates are not kept by O'Flin, 
So surly a dog would let nobody in.' 

348. — An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and 
the surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to 
restore him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. 
He, a short time afterwards enlisted in another corps, 
and being recognized by an old comrade, and ques- 
tioned how he learned to speak ? ' By the powers,' 
replied Tervnce, ' ttu guiutas would make any man 

549. — A mm mi once complaining to Mr. JefTery 

that himself and his brother (both of whom were 

deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take ass's 

milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he 

v knew what he should do. ' Do]' cried Mr. 

, * why suck one auothex, to be sure/ 

350. — Thi facetious MaiCUl Supple, some of 

whose pleasantries we have before mentioned, was 

one evenn ilery of the J louse of Commons, 

when a Caledonian gentleman, the proprietor of the 

morning paper for which Marcus was retained as a 

repor i .1 the crowded gallery with a friend 

from Edinburgh, whom he wished to introduce to the 

novelties of the British senate. The latter took 

standing post in Supples front with the *tem close to 

: if. . Marcus, tipsey as usual, addressed the 

(Ionian very civilly, * 111 be much obliged to you, 

Sir, if you'll be 60 good as to remove your muff-box, 



JOE MILLER. 109 

as I don't much like the odour of your Edinburgh 
Jitwers.' The Scot iu a surly mood complained of 
this indignity to his inductor, who, thinking himself 
entitled to take a rough liberty with the wit, told him, 
* he thought it was vary extraordinary that he could'nt 
be watty without being impart' nent.' — ' Oh ! for the 
matter of that/ said Supple, ■ it is not more extraor- 
dinary than that some of my Scotch friends can be 
very impertinent without being witty? 

351. — Sterne, so celebrated as the author of Tris- 
tram Shandy, and the Sentimental Journey, was of 
Cambridge University ; no strict priest, but, as a 
clergyman, not likely to hear with indifference his 
whole fraternity treated contemptuously. Being one 
day in a coffee-house, he observed a spruce powdered 
young fellow by the fire-side, who was speaking of 
the clergy, in a mass, as a body of disciplined im- 
postors and systematic hypocrites. Sterne got up, 
while the young man was haranguing, and approach- 
ed towards the fire, patting and coaxing all the way 
a favourite little dog. Coming at length towards the 
gentleman, he took up the dog, still continuing to 
pat him, and addressed the young fellow — ' Sir, this 
would be the prettiest little animal in the world, had 
he not one disorder !' — ' What disorder is that V re- 
plied the young fellow. ' Why, Sir,' said Sterne, 
'one that always makes him bark when he sees a 
gentleman in black.' — ' That is a singular disorder,' 
replied the young fellow ; ' pray, how long has he had 
it?' — 'Sir,' replied Sterne, looking at him with af- 
fected gentleness, ' ever since he was a puppy !' 

352. — A witness was called upon to testify con- 
cerning the reputation of another witness for veracity. 
' Why,' said he, ' I hardly know what to tell you, 

M. sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don't 

believe him ; but when he undertakes to tell any thing 
for a fact, I believe him about as much as I do the 
rest of my neighbours.* 



110 JOB Mlll.F.rt. 

wi \h, one day observing a ragamuffin-' 

tching liis head at the door of Mr. , 

, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and 

thinking to pass a joke upon him, said — ' So, Jack. 

you are picking them out, are you?' — ' Nah,sar,' re- 

1 the archin, ' 1 take* 'em as they come !' 

354. — !><>i is XIV. passing through Rheims, in 

; by the Mayor, who, presenting 

to him some bottles of wine and pears, said to him — 

bring to your .Majesty our wine, our peak's, 

and our hearts; we have nothing better.' The king 

tapped him on the shoulder, saying — ' Such speeches 

do I , 

it Baldwin, a gentleman of Hamp- 
shire, had, by Ids will, in the year 1736, ordered, 
that, after his decease, Ins body should be thrown 
into the sea beyond the Needles, which was accord- 
com plied with. On making inquiry into his 
oi this singular disposal of ins remains, it 
that be made it for the purpose of 
disappointing a young wife, who had frequently as- 
vay of consolation, that she would — 
upttn hit g r 

amiable Hindoo, at Bombay, being 

taken to a veranda overlooking the assembly-room, 

e a number of ladies and gentlemen were going 

untry dance, his conductor asked him how 

be liked the cheerful amusement ; the mild Indian 

replied'- 4 Master, I do aot quite understand this 

but in our caste we say, if we place butter 

be fire, butter will soon melt.* 

gentleman, who some- 

mind, was dining at the table of a 

irrounded b; n who do not always 

His lordship 

much into the marvellous, to which the inferior 

' And 1 remember,' cried his 

when the old palace of Ely was pulled 



JOE MILLER. Ill 

down, there was a toad found under the wall, at 
least eight inches across the back, and twelve in 
length. The toad was supposed to be a hundred 
years old.* — * Wonderful, ' auswered the chaplains. 
1 Wonderful indeed,' answered the gentleman, * for it 
proves that in those days there were no toad-eaters.' 

338. — An Irish officer in the service of France, 
having importuned Lewis the Fourteenth in favour of 
a brother officer. The king interrupted him as he was 
proceeding, and exclaimed, ■ Your countrymen are 
very troublesome.' — ' Your Majesty's enemies say 
the same thing,' returned the officer ; which put his 
Majesty in such a good humour, that he immediately— J 
granted the request. 

359. — An old woman received a letter from the 
post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, 
and being anxious to know the contents, supposing 
it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a 
person near to read the letter to hei. He accord- 
ingly began and read — ■ Charleston, June f 
Dear mother,' then making a stop to find out what 
followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old 
lady exclaimed — ' Oh 9 'tis my poor Jerry, he a/ 
stuttered!' 

360. — When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, 
during five hours, with only two thousand men, the 
united efforts of twenty thousand. He was nearly 
surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow 
defile by which to escape. In this extremity, he 
called to him a chef debattaillon, named Chevardin, 
for whom he had a particular regard. ' Take,' said 
he to him, ' a company of grenadiers, and stop the 
enemy at the ravine. You will be killed, but you 
will save your comrades.' — ' Yes, my general.' re- 
plied Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket- 
book to his servant, executed the order, and his 
death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and saved the 
French 



112 

361. — A Nocturnal Sketch. 

\ is come ; and from the dark Park, hark, 
The signal of the setting sun — one gun ! 
And six is sounding from the chime, prime time 
To go and see the Drury-Lane Dane slain, — 
Or hear Othello's jealous doubt spout out, — 
Or .Macbeth raving at that shade-made blade, 
Denying to his frantic clutch much touch ; — 
Or else to see Ducrow with wide stride ride 
Four horses as no other man can span ; 
Or, in the small Olympic Pit, sit split 
Laughing at laston, while you quiz his phiz. 
Anon Night comes, and with her wings brings things 
Such as, with his poetic tongue, Young sung : 
The gas up-blazes with its bright white light, 
And paralytic watchmen prowl, howl, growl, 
About the streets and take up Pall-Mall Sal, 
Who, hasting to her nightly jobs, robs fobs. 

Now thieves to enter for your cash, smash, crash, 
Pa^t drowsy Charley, in a deep sleep, creep, 
But frighten'd by Police 13. 3, flee, 
And while they're going, whisper low, * No go !' 
Now puss, while folks are in their beds, treads leads, 
And sleepers waking, grumble — ■ drat that cat !' 
W ho in the gutter caterwauls, squalls, mauls 
e feline foe, and screams in shrill ill-will. 
hulls of Bashan, of a prize size, rise 
In childish dreams, and with a roar gore poor 
Georgy, or Charles, or Billy, willy nilly ; — 
But nursemaid in a nightmare rest, chest- press'd, 
Dreameth of one of her old flames, James Games, 
And that she hears — what faith is man's — Ann's banns 
And his, from Reverend Mr. Rice, twice, thrice; 
W hite ribbons flourish, and a stout shout out, 
That upwards goes, shews Rose knows those bows 



JOE MILLER. 113 

362. — When the British ships under Lord Nelson 
were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off 
Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on 
going round to see that all hands were at quarters, 
observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the 
side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an 
English sailor exciting his surprise and curiosity, he 
went and asked the man if he was afraid. ' Afraid !' 
answered the honest tar, ' no ! I was only praying 
that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same 
proportion as prize-money — the greatest part among 
the officers.' 

363. — ■ Ineeed, indeed, friend Tom,' said one 
citizen to another, ■ you have spoiled the look of 
your nag by cropping his ears so close ; what could 
be your reason for it?' — ■ Why, friend Turtle, I will 
tell you — my horse had a strange knack of being 
frightened, and on very trifling occasions would 
prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, 
to cure him, I cropt him.' 

364. — A pedantic country schoolmaster asked a 
sailor what was the third and half third of ten pence. 
The sailor, who was illiterate, but unwilling to con- 
fess his ignorance, evaded giving an answer, by say- 
ing, that he did not choose to give that knowledge 
for nothing, which had cost him much trouble and 
expense to acquire : adding, that he could propose a 
much harder question than that. The pedagogue 
piqued at this, exclaimed — ' What is that ! — ■ Why,' 
said the tar, ■ if a pound of cheese costs fourpence, 
what will a cart load of turnips amount to/ 

365. — About half a century ago, when it was more 
the fashion to drink ale at Oxford than at present, a 
humorous fellow, of punning memory, established 
an alehouse near the pound, and wrote over his door, 
* Ale sold by the pound.' As his ale was as good 
as his jokes, the Oxonians resorted to his house in 
great numbers, and sometimes stayed there beyond 



1 14 JOB MILLERi 

tade a matter of com- 
I hancellor, who was desired to 

away his license, by one of the Proctors of the 
Boniface was Bummoned to attend, and 
when he (Mine into the Vice- Chancellor* 8 piesence, 
lie began hawking and spitting about the room ; this 
the Chancellor observed, and asked what lie meant 
by it ! — ' Please your worship,' said he, ' 1 came 
here on purpose to clear myself.' The Vice-Chan- 
cellor imagined that he actually weighed his ale, 
and sold it in that manner ; he therefore said to him 
— 4 They tell n.e you sell your ale by the pound ; is 
that true !' — ' No, an't please your worship,' replied 
the wit. ' Ho.vdo you then !' said the Chancellor. 
' Very well, 1 thank you, Sir,' replied the wit ; ' how 
do you do !' The Chancellor Laughed, and said — 
' Get away for a rascal, ] will say no more to you.' 
The fellow departed, and crossing the quadrangle, 
met the Proctor who laid the information ; ' Sir,' 
said he, ' the Vice-Chaneellor wants to speak with 
you ;' and returned with him. ' Here, Sir,' said he, 
' here he is.' — ■ \\ ho V said the ('hancellor. ■ Why, 
Sir,' said he, ' you sent me for a rascal, and I have 
brought you the greatest that 1 know of.' 

—A lawyer, upon a circuit in Ireland, who 
the cause of an infant plaintiff", took 

child up in his arms, and presented it to the 

jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, 

until the opposite hi <l the child — ' What 

rle pinched me!' answered the 

little innocent The whole court was convulsed with 

waited upon Sir Isaac Newton 

a liti inner-lime ; hut. he bad given orders 

not I my body, till his dinner was 

: the table ; boiled chicken was brought 

ii ly cold, when, 
it up, and ordered another 



JOb MILLER. 115 

to be dressed for Sir Isaac, who came down before 
the second was ready, and seeing the dish and cover 
of the first, which had not been removed, he lifted 
up the latter, and, turning to Dr. Stukeley, said — 
' What strange folks we studious people are ! I 
really forgot that I had dined.' 

368. — The Hon. Mr. Rigby, being one evening at 
hazard, in a public place, was very successful ; and 
having won a considerable sum, he was putting it in 
his purse, when a person behind him said, in a low 
voice to himself — ' Had I that sum, what a happy 
*ian I should be !' Mr. R. without looking back, 
Out the purse over his shoulder, saying — * lake it, my 
*fiend, and be happy.' The stranger made no reply, 
but accepted it, and retired. Every one present was 
astonished at Mr. Rigby's uncommon beneficence, 
whilst he received additional pleasure, on being in- 
formed that the person who had received the benefit 
was a half pay officer in great distress. Some years 
after, a gentleman waited upon him, and, being in- 
troduced to Mr. R., acquainted him that he came to 
acquit a debt he had contracted with him in Dublin. 
Mr. R. was greatly surprised at this declaration, as 
he was an entire stranger. ■ Yes, Sir,' continued the 
visitor, ' you assisted me with above a hundred 
pounds, at a time that I was in the utmost indigence, 
without knowing or even seeing me ;' and then re- 
lated the affair of the gaming-table. ■ With that 
money,' continued the stranger, * I was enabled to 
pay some debts, and fit myself out for India, where 
I have been so fortunate as to make an ample for- 
tune.' Mr. Rigby declined taking the money, but, 
through the pressing solicitation of the gentleman, 
accepted a valuable diamond ring. 

369. — The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, 
was thrown into a ditch ; at the same time a young 
curate, calling out, ■ Lie still, my lord,' leaped over 
him, and pursued his sport. Such apparent want of 



116 JOB MILLER. 

feeling, we may presume, was properly resented. 
inch tiling. On being helped out by his attend^ 
MtS, hi* Grace said — ' That man shall have the rirst 
good living that falls to my disposal — had he stopped 
to have taken care of me, I never wonld have given 
him any thing :' being delighted with an ardour 
similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not 
stoop to flatter. 

370. — Dn. IIiNMKiit, being engaged in private 
conversation with the great Earl of Chatham, his 
lordship asked him how he defined wit. * My lord,' 
said the doctor, ' wit is like what a pension would 
be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, 
a good thing well applied.' 

371.— Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, 
made some proposals that were objected to by a 
farmer. Highly enraged, ■ Sir,' says he to the farmer, 
' do you know, that I have been to two universities, 
and at two colleges in each university V — * Well, Sir,' 
said the fanner, ' what of that 1 I had a calf that 
sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, 
the more he sucked the greater calf he grew.* 

— Sin \V. Cruris was once present at a pub- 
lic dinner where the Dukes of York and Clarence 
formed part of the company. The President gave as 
a toast, ■ The Adelphi' (the Greek word for * The 
Brothers'). When it came to the worthy baronet's 
turn to give a toast, he said, ' Mr. President, as you 
seem inclined to give public build ingi, I beg leave to 
propose Somerset Hou 

-Onf of his majesty's frigates, heing at an- 
r on a winter's night, in a tremendous gale of 
\\ hid, the ground broke, and she began to drive. The 
lieutenant of the watch ran down to the captain, 
awoke hiin from his sleep, and told him the anchor 
had come home. ' Well/ said the captain, rubbing 
I think our anchor is perfectly right, for 
who would stay out such a night as this?' 



JOE MILLER. 117 

574. — When Johnson had completed his Dic- 
tionary, the delay of which had quite exhausted the 
f>atience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknow- 
edged the receipt of the last sheet in the following 
terms : 

• Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. 
Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet 
of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he 
has done with him/ 

To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor replied 
in this smart retort : 

' Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. 
Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does 
by his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to 
thank God for any thing.' 

375. — A gentleman, travelling an a journey, 
having a light guinea which he could not pass, gave 
it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass it 
upon the road. At night he asked him if he had 
pas-ed the guinea. ■ Yes, Sir,' replied Teague, ' but 
I was forced to be very sly ; the people refused it at 
breakfast and at dinner ; so, at a turnpike, where I 
had fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two 
halfpence, and the man put it into his pocket, and 
never saw it/ 

376. — A little boy having been much praised for 
his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, 
that when children were keen in their youth, they 
were generally stupid and dull when they advanced 
in years, and vice versa. * What a very sensible boy, 
Sir, must you have been !' returned the child. 

377. — A lady observing Mr. Jekyll directing some 
letters, one of which was addressed to Mr. , So- 
licitor ; and another to Mr. , Attorney; inquired 

what was the difference between an Attorney and a 
Solicitor. 'Much the same, my dear madam,' re- 
plied the wit, ' as there is between a Crocodile and an 
Alligator. 1 



I1M J< » i: MILLER. 

;>78. n Faulkner, of Dublin, in his 

Journal, announced the accouchment of • her grace 

the Duke of Dorset.' .Next day it was thus correct- 

• For her grace the Duke of Dorset, read his 

the Ducheu of Dorset.' 

ening,Tom Sheridan, after sitting with 
his lather over a bottle, was complaining of the einpti- 
of his pocket. The right honourable manager 
told him, jocularly, to go on the highway. ' I have 
tried that already,' said he, * but without success.' 
— ' Ay ! how V replied the father. — ' Why,' resumed 
he, ' 1 stopped a caravan full of passengers, who 
ired me they had not a farthing, as they all be- 
longed to Drury-Lane Theatre, and could not get a 
penny of their salary.' 

:>80. — When hucy Cowper was once examined in 
a court of justice, one of the counsellors asked her 
it she came there in the character of a modest wo- 
i ! ■ No, Sir,' replied she, ' I do not ; that which 
ha^ been the ruin of me, has been the making of you 
— I mean impudence.' 

381. — Da. Crbynb, of Bath, and a Mr. Tantley, 
were deemed the two fattest men in Somersetshire. 
When they were once sitting together after dinner, 
Cheyne asked the other what made him look so me- 
lioly? * Faith,' replied he, ' I was thinking how 
it will be posMble for the people to get either you or 
tve after we die.' — ' Why, as to me,' 
replied Cheyne, ■ six or eight stout fellows will do 
the business, but you must be taken at twice.' 

-A young man, boasting of his health and 

titutional stamina, very lately, in the hearing of 

the player, was asked to what he chiefly 

attributed so great a happiness— 'To what, Sir? — To 

B good foundation, to be sure. I make a 

fit a great dtal every morning.' — 'Then 
Sir,' remarked Wewitzer, 'you usually 
breakfast in a timber-yard,* 



JOE MILLER UP 

383. — A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at 
Bath, was asked by another, what place he had tra- 
velled from 1 'I came straight from London,' re- 
plied he. — ' Did you so V said the other, ' then you 
nave been terribly warped by the uou.' 

384. — As a certain musician, who had a very bad 
voice, was singing one day, he took notice of a gen- 
tlewoman who fell a-crving ; when, imagining that 
the sweetness of his melody awaked some pa>sion in 
her breast, he began to sing louder, and she to weep 
more bitterly. He had no sooner ended the song, 
but going to the lady he asked her why she cried — 
* Oh !' said she, ' I am the unfortunate woman, whose 
ass the wolves devoured yesterday, and no sooner 
did I hear you sing, but I thought on my poor ass, 
for surely never were voices so much alike.' 

383. — A spark being brought before a magistrate, 
on a charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment 
he saw him, exclaimed — 4 I see a villain in your 
countenance.' — ' It is the first time,' said the pri- 
soner, very coolly, * that I knew my countenance 
was a /ixi/cino--^ 

386.— An evidence in a court speaking in a very 
harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the 
other side, exclaimed — ' Fellow, why dost thou bark 
so furiously !' — ' Because,' replied the rustic, ■ 1 think 
I sees a thief.' 

387. — A country 5i as, on a trial respecting the 
..ght of a fishery, at the late Lancaster assizes, was 
cross-examined by Sergeant Cockel, who, among 
many other questions, asked the witness — ' Dost thou 
love fish V — » Yes,' said the poor fellow, with a look 
of native simplicity, ■ but I donna like Cockle sauce 
with it.' A roar of laughter followed, in which the 
Serjeant joined, with his usual good humour. 

388. — There are three things which a good wife 
should resemble, and yet those three things she 
should not resemble- She should be like a town 



120 JOE MILLER. 

clock — keep time and regularity. She should not be 
like a town clock— speak so loud that all the town 
may hear her. She should be like a snail — pru- 
dent, and keep within her own house. She should 
not be like a snail— carry all she has upon her back. 
She should be like an echo — speak when spoken to. 
should not be like an echo — determined always 
to have the last word. 

389. — A forward young lady was walking one 
morning on the Steyne, at Brighton, when she en- 
countered a facetious friend. 4 You see, Mr. Deben- 
hara,' said she, ' I am come out to get a little sun and 
air.' — ' 1 think, madam, you had better get a little 
husband first,' was the reply. 

390. — A captain in the navy, meeting a friend 
as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left 
his u hole ship's company the happiest fellows in the 
world. ■ How so V asked his friend. ' Why 1 have 
just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over ; 
and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.' 

391. — The late Sir Samuel Hood, who died when 
commander-in-chief on the East India station, had 
a lieutenant on board, named Roby, supposed to be 
a natural son of his. One night, when Roby had 
the watch, a squall of wind split the main-top sail. 
Old Hood run out of his cabin in a passion, and ex- 
claimed — ' It is all your fault, Roby, you are the 
(test lubber in the British navy.' — ' Now,' said 
Roby, ' I believe what all the ship's company say to 
be true.' — ' And what do the ship's company say, 
thundered out the commodore. 4 Why, that I 
;un the picture of you in every thing.' Hood laughed 
at tl i, and they were better friends than 

392. — A pillow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty 

: his servant not finding them, began to curse 

the thief. 4 Never mind,' said his lordship, ■ all the 

harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may Jit him!' 



JOE MILLER. 121 

3°\ — When Mr. Canning was about giving up 
Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gar- 
dener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds — ' I 
im sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place.' — ' Psha, 
Sir,' said George, ' don't fret, when you had this old 
nlace, you were out of place ; now you are in place, 
you can get both yourself and me a better place,' The 
hint was taken, and old George provided for. 

394. — A party who had been rather overdone 
6y the potentiality of their beverage at a tavern in 
Leadenhall-street, staggered out of the house while 
the watchman was crying past three o'clock. This 
so much offended one of the company, that he in- 
sisted on the poor fellow's altering his tone, and an- 
nouncing it to be past eleven o'clock. The watch- 
man immediately complied, but being at some loss 
how to finish his sentence, said, ' Pray, gentlemen, 
what sort of weather would you choose to have V 

395. — As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in 
the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking 
his ride, and being, according to his own idea, a 
person of no small consequence, he thought proper 
to shew it by riding on the footpath. Meeting a 
plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperi- 
ously to get out of his way. ' Sir,' said the other, 
' I don't understand this : I am upon the footpath, 
where I certainly have a right to walk.' — ■ Do you 
Xnow, Sir,' said Mr. Reynell, ■ to whom you speak V 
+-' I do not, indeed.' — ' Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of 
Edinburgh.' — ' Well, Sir, but that certainly does not 
entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a 
Humble pedestrian off it.' — ' Why, Sir, I am a trustee 
of this road.' — ' If you are, you are a very bad one.' 
— ' You are a very impudent fellow — who are you, 
SirV — ' I am John Duke of Montague.' It is al- 
most unnecessary to add that the haughty Laird, 
after a very awkward apology, went off into the main 
toad. 

G 



123 J1>E MlU.t K. 

Av arch boy belonging to one of the ships 
;f at Portsmouth, had purchased of his play- 
fellows a magpie, which he earned to his father's 
bouse : and was at the door feeding it, when a gen- 
tleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impedi- 
ment in his speech, coming up — * T — T — T — T — 
Tom/ says the gentleman, 4 can your mag t — t — t — 
talk yet?' — * Ay, Sir,' says the boy, * better than you, 
or I'd wring his head o//.' 

-Two sporting men discoursing about a horse 
that had lost a race, one of them, by way of apology, 
observed, — ' That the cause of it was an accident, 
his running against a waggon ;' to which the other, 
who affected not to understand him, archly replied, 
— ' Why, what else was he fit to run against? 1 

39b*. — An opulent fanner applied to an attorney 
about a law-suit, but was told he could not undertake 
it. being already engaged on the other side ; at the 
time he said, that he would give him a letter of 
mmendation to a professional friend, which he 
did ; and the farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and 
read as follows : — 

' Here are two fat wethers fallen out together, 

If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other, 

And make 'em agree like brother and brother.* 

The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and 
terminated the dispute. 

A common councilman's lady paying her 
i visit at school, and inquiring what pro- 
had made in her education, the governess 
• Pretty good, madam, miss is very atten- 
ds any thing, it is a capacity : but for 
that deficiency you know we must not blame her. 
' No, madam,' replied the mother, ' but I blame you 
for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank 
God, can afford his daughter a capacity ; and I beg 
she may have one immediately, cost what it may. 



JOE MILLER. 123 

400. — Mr. Loutherbourgh, the famous scene 
painter, had a fancy that he could cure all diseases, 
and accordingly prescribed liberally for his friends 
and others, willing to fall under his hands. A per- 
son of great faith applied to him for a cure for a very 
bad cold, and Loutherbourgh's advice was, ■ Doo you 
see, sare, can you like to drink bran-tea V 

* Brandy,' replied the patient, nothing loth to find 
so palatable a medicine hinted, as he imagined. 
■ Certainly, I have no objection to it whatever.' — 
* Vy, then,' said Loutherbourgh, ■ bran-tea, is the 
very ting for you. Take three, four — ees, four — cups 
of it as hot as you can soop — good big teacups, just 
after breakfast/ 

1 What, Sir,' asked the patient, rather amazed, 
'without water?' — 4 Yidout vater,' said Loutherbourgh, 
' vat do you mean ? No more vater than is in the bran- 
tea itself ven made. Take it as you get it. Take 
four large, ver large, coops, between breakfast and 
dinner, and ven you find a change for better or vorse, 
come to me.' The faith of the patient was great, and 
so was his swallow, for five days he stuck to what he 
thought was the prescription of the painter — was of 
course drunk all day — and at the conclusion of his 
exertions, in this way he came to Loutherbourgh, 
full of gratitude for his advice — ' I am quite cured, 
Mr. Loutherbourgh/ said he, ' I never imagined that 
brandy was so complete a cure — I feel quite obliged/ 
1 O, yes,' said Loutherbourgh, ' I was sure it would 
cure you, you felt quite cool all the time you was 
taking it/ — ■ Cool,' said the patient, ' no, not exactly 
cool, I was rather hot. Zounds, no man can drink a 
quart of spirits in the forenoon, and keep cool.' 

■ Spirits,' said Loutherbourgh, rather astonished, 
1 vy, there is no spirits in tea made of bran/ 

* Tea made of bran! 1 said his amazed friend, ' it 
was hot brandy I drank/ An explanation of course 
followed — the gentleman however was cured. 



121 JOL MILLER. 

401. — In a cause respecting a will, evidence was 
given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow. 
a lunatic ; amongst other tilings, it was deposed, that 
she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. 
into the street as rubbish. ' I doubt,' said the learned 
judge, ' whether sweeping physic into the street, be 
any proof of insanity.' — ' True, my lord,' replied the 
counsel, ' but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.' 

402. — It is said that the Pope advised Petrarch to 
marry Laura ; but that the poet refused, because he 
feared that the familiarity of marriage would extin- 
guish his passion. A blunt person, on reading this 
anecdote, observed, 'There is a fool, who wont eat 
his dinner lest he should spoil his appetite.' 

403. — Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in 
a small town, in a lonely street, and took away his 
money and coat. He immediately repaired to the 
captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfor- 
tune. — The captain asked him whether he had on the 
waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by the 
soldiers. ' Yes, Sir,' replied the poor fellow. * Then, 
my friend,' rejoined the captain, * I can assure you 
they do not belong to my company ; otherwise they 
would have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt.' 

404. — A gentleman returned from India, inquir- 
ing of a person respecting their common acquaint- 
ance, who had been hanged after he had left England, 
was told he was dead. ' And did he continue in the 
grocery line?' said the former. 'Oh, no,' replied 
the other, ' he was quite in a different line when he 
died.' 

405. — In Queen Anne's reign, the Lord Bateman 
married three wives, all of whom were his servants. 
A beggar woman, meeting him one day in the street, 
made him a very low courtesy : 'Ah! God Almighty 
l you,' said she, ■ and send you a long life ; if 
you do but live long enough, we shall be all ladies 
10 time/ 



JOE MILLLR. 125 

406. — A tannkr near Swaffham, in Norfolk, in- 
vited the supervisor to dine with him, and after push- 
ing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor took his 
leave ; but in passing through the tan-yard, he un- 
fortunately fell into a vat, and called lustily for the 
tanner's assistance to get him out, but to no purpose ; 
' For,' said the tanner, ■ if I draw any hides without 
giving twelve hours' notice, I shall be exchequered 
and ruined ; but I'll go and inform the exciseman.' 

4()7. — A man who had been quaffing porter till he 
was completely drunk, hiccupped out, that porter was 
both meat and drink. Soon after, going home, he 
tumbled into a ditch ; on which, a companion, who 
was leading him, observed, that it was not only meat 
and drink to him, but washing and lodging too. 

408. — A highwayman meeting a counsellor in his 
chariot, on the Surrey-road, presented a blunderbuss, 
and demanded his money, with the usual compli- 
ment. The gentleman readily surrendered about sixty 
guineas, but kindly told the thief, that, for his own 
safety, he had better put the robbery on the footing 
of an exchange, by selling him the blunderbuss for 
what he had just taken from him. ' With all my 
heart/ said the highwayman, and gave it to the ad- 
vocate, who immediately turned the muzzle, and told 
him, ' that if he did not re-deliver his purse, he would 
shoot him.' ■ That you may do if you can,' replied 
Turpin, ■ for I promise you it is not loaded,' and rode 
off very coolly with his booty. 

409. — A fashionable countess, asking a young 
nobleman which he thought the prettiest flower, roses 
or tulips? he replied, with great gallantry, 'Your 
ladyship's two lips before all the roses in the world.' 

410. — A gentleman, who did not live very happy 
with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was 
going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scold- 
ing her from morning till night — ■ Happy girl !' said 
the master, ■ I wish 1 could give warning too/ 



12fi J<>r. M1LLBB. 

•Ml. — T f i n ii y IV. of France, passing through a 

small town, perceived the inhabitants assembled to 

i .it u late him on his arrival. Just as the prin- 

i magistrate, had commenced a tedious oration, 

•O a to bray; on which the king, turning 

towards the place where the noisy animal was, said 

ly, ' Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please.' 

lliMi\ IV. to an excellent wit, added most 

amiable manners, and a most captivating address. On 

i al Armand de Biron coming into his presence, 

when lie was surrounded by some foreign amba- 

the king immediately took Biron by the hand, 
and said, k Gentlemen, this is Marshal Biron, whom 
1 piesent with equal pleasure and confidence to my 
friends as well as my enemies.' 

Charlottb Smuji was walking along Pic- 
cadilly a few days ago, when the tray of a butcher's 
Ih>y came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and 
dirtied her dress. ' The deuce take the tray,' exclaim- 
-he, in a pet. 'Ah, hut the deuce cunt take the 
tray,' replied young rumpsteak, with the greatest 

I ity. 

I I L — A raw days after the Rye-house plot, 
Charles II. was walking in St. James's Park, with- 

uardl or attendants of any kind. The Duke of 
York afterwards remonstrated with his royal brother 
)ti the imprudence, nay, absurdity of such conduct. 
Charles, a little nettled to be so reproved, answered 
juiekly, ' Brother .lames, take care of yourself, for 
i will kill me to make you kin^.' 

mick shewed Dr. .lohnson his fine 

• at Hampton Court, what 

did it awaken in the mind of that great and 

itead of a flattering compliment, which 

ted, 'Ah! David, David, David, said the 

clapping his hand upon the little man's 

alder), ' these are the things, David, which make 

a death-bed terrible V 



JOF MILLF.R. 127 

416. — George the Second, who was fond of Wins- 
ton the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, 
said to him, that however right he might be in his 
opinions, he had better suppress them. ! Had Martin 
Luther done so,' replied the philosopher, ■ your ma- 
jesty would not have been on the throne of England.' 

4 17. — ■ As you do not belong to my parish,' said 
a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, 
4 you cannotexpect that I should relieve you.' — ' Sir,' 
said the sailor, with a noble air, * I lost my leg fight- 
ing for all parishes/ 

41ft. — A dancer said to a Spartan — ' You cannot 
stand so long upon one leg as I can.' — ' True,' an- 
swered the Spartan, ' but any goose can.' 

419. — A blind man who goes about the streets of 
London, whining out a long story about his misfor- 
tunes, has, amongst other prayers for the charitable 
and humane, the following curious wish — * May you 
never see the darkness which I now see.' 

4 '20. — Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, 
said — ' You should practise more.' The orator an- 
swering — • I am always declaiming to myself,' he re- 
plied — ' No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish 
an audience.' 

421, — A Highlander, who sold brooms, went 
into a barber's shop, in Glasgow, to get shaved. 
The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after 
having shaved him, asked the price of it. ■ Tippence,' 
said the highlander. ' No, no,' says the shaver ; 
* I'll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy 
you, take your broom again.' The highlander took 
it, and asked what he had to pay. • A penny,' says 
Strap. * I'll gie ye a baubee,' says Duncan, ' and 
if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.' 

422. — A lady asking a gentleman, how it was 
most medical men dressed in black, he replied — ' The 
meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied 
in preparing grave subjects.' 



128 JOB MILLF.R. 

».— A wi \t thy merchant of Fenchurch-street, 
lamenting to a confidential friend, that his daughter 
had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded, by 
■frying — ' Vet 1 wish to forgive the girl, and receive 
her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But 
'hen, his condition; how can I introduce him?' — 
4 Nonsense,' replied his companion ; ' introduce him 
as a Liveryman of the City of London. What is more 
honourable !' 

4S4. — In a dispute a Spartan was told he lied. 
He answered — ■ After I hud told you so, I would whip 
sou.'' For in Sparta lying slaves were whipped; 
and this retort was equal to calling the other a slave. 
Our point of honour was unknown to the ancients, 
who thought the infamy lay in lying, not in being 
tdd of it. 

425. — There is a story related of Sir Isaac New- 
ton, the celebrated astronomer, that, being one day 
m the country, he saw a shepherd tending his flock, 
a r i<) inquired of him how far it was to the next town. 
The shepherd replied — ■ About a mile,' and added 
— ' but unless you make haste, you will be wetted 
through before you get there.' Sir Isaac proceeded ; 
and as the day was uncommonly fine, disregarded 
i he shepherd's caution, till drops of rain began to 
[all. He then quickened his pace; but before he 
could reach the inn, he was thoroughly wetted. 
ck with the circumstance, when the rain abated, 
• turned to ask the shepherd how he came to know 
that there would be rain, when no signs thereof were 
apparent. The shepherd declined explanation. Sir 
ic offered him a guinea, and afterwards five *, but 
still the shepherd refused to reveal the secret. At 
sac offered him twenty guineas: he 
then consented, on condition that he should have the 
money in hand before he spoke. Sir Isaac complied. 
The shepherd then said — ' You see that black ram V 
4 Yes/ said Sir Isaac ; ' but what has that to do with 



JOK MILLKR. 129 

the question?' — 'Why,' said the shepherd, 'when- 
ever that ram makes for shelter, and thrusts his rump 
into the hedge, I always know that rain will fall 
within a quarter of an hour.' 

426. — During the recent unpleasant situation of 
affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every 
passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the 
centinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless 
Irishman, travelling from Kilmainey to Kilmore, be- 
ing asked concerning his place of departure, and 
place of destination, answered, to the astonishment 
of the inquirer, • I have been to kill-many, and am 
going to kill-more.' — ■ That you shall not,' said the 
centinel, and immediately run him through with his 
bayonet. 

427. — An Irishman, having bought a sheep's head, 
had been to a friend for a direction to dress it. As 
he was returning, repeating the method, and holding 
his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and 
ran away. ' Now, my dear joy,' said the Irishman, 
' what a fool you make of yourself ! what use will it 
be to you, as you don't know how it is to be dressed?' 

428. — An Irishman meeting an acquaintance, 
thus accosted him : ' Ah, my dear, who do you think 
I have just been speaking to? your old friend Pa- 
trick ; faith, and he is grown so thin, I hardly knew 
him ; to be sure, you are thin, and I am thin, but he 
s thinner than both of us put together.' 

* % 9. — An Irishman seeing a large quantity of po- 
tatoes standing in a market-place, observed to a bye- 
stander, ■ what a fine show of potatoes.' — ' Yes, they 
are,' replied he, ' very fine potatoes ; I see you have 
the name quite pat ; how do you call them in your 
country?' — ' Ah, fait!' returned the Irishman, ■ we 
never call 'em ; when we want any, we go and dig 
them.' 

430. — Englishmen who sojourn, even for a short 
time, in Ireland, speedily lose all their prejudices 
G 2 



130 lOt Mill KU. 

mtry, and blend in all the convivial 
; the place. So seductive is example 
and so epidemical the infection of good humour. A 
l>riton named Moore, who settled as a wholesale 
in Dublin, was fascinated by the so- 
cial habits of his Hibernian acquaintance, and inter- 
changed with them all the cheap hospitalities of 
beef, turkeys, and whiskey punch. Having removed 
to a new habitation, and given, what is called a jo- 
vial housewarming to a numerous company, the 
cheerful jug went round with ceaseless motion, oc- 
casionally replenished from a large china jar of ten 
gallons dimension, which was Moore's favourite urn 
an similar occasions, and upon which, when tipsey, 
fje never failed to launch out in high encomiums. 
/\n arch wag in the room, yclept Charley Shiel, an 
eminent auctioneer, perceiving that his host was far 
fone when he mounted his favourite hobby-horse, 
'he china jar, joined in the praises of this extraordi- 
\ry vessel, adding, that there were but two of them 
ime from China in three ships; that he had sold 
*ne fellow of it to Lord Howth five years before for 
twenty guineas, and that the noble lord would cheer- 
fully give three hundred for this, if he knew where 
to find it. ' Oh ! come, Charley,' said Moore who 
smelled a hoax, ' you are Jii"gi"g the hatchet quite 
too far, it only cost me a guinea and a half, and I 
would sell it for ten.' Shiel, mustering all his gra- 
vity, rejoined, ■ My dear Moore, you don't know the 
value of that jar ; it is the true Whang Tone malic- 
able china, and I'd lay you any wager that the 
strongest porter you can find would not be able to 
bi< ik it with a dozen strokes of your largest kitchen 
poker/ — ' Done,' said Moore, 'that I will do it my- 
lelf in half a dozen strokes.' — ' Done with you,' said 
Shiel, ' for a gallon of porter that you don't.' The 
Moore called for the large kit- 
chen poker, and stripping off his coat to remove all 



JOE MILLER. 131 

impediments to his strength, dealt with all his might 
an Herculean blow upon the jar, which, wonderful 
to relate, was smashed in a thousand pieces. — Shiel, 
without moving a muscle of his countenance, gravely 
acknowledged that Mr. Moore had certainly won the 
wager, and threw down his shilling to pay the bet, 
observing, that th*s was the first time in his life he 
ever saw such a jar broke in the same manner. — 
Moore, like an Arabian seer, stood for some time as- 
tounded by the effects of this rash stroke upon his 
favourite talisman, but recovering a little and per- 
ceiving the hoax by which he had been deluded, fury 
kindled in his eye, and he was looking out anxiously 
for some favourable spot on the head of the hoaxer 
whereon to bestow the next stroke of his poker ; but 
the insidious Shiel, seeing the storm rising, thought 
fit to decamp, laughing in his sleeve at the success 
of his mischievous joke. 

431. — An Irish gentleman meeting an English- 
man, thus addressed him : ' Ah, my dear, is it you 1 
when I saw you at the other end of the street, I 
thought you were your cousin ; as you came nearer, 
I thought you were yourself; and now I see you are 
your brother.' 

432. — A culprit asked Jack Ketch, if he had any 
commands to the other world? ' Why, said Jack, 
* not many ; I'll only,' added he, as he had adjusted 
the knot under his left ear, 'just trouble you with 
a line.' 

4S3. — Dean Swift once dining with the mayor of 
Dublin, was served with part of a duck, and asking 
for apple-sauce, was told by the mayor there was 
none : upon which he cut an apple-pie, and put a 
spoonful of the apples on his plate. The mayor ex- 
claimed, ' Why, doctor, you eat duck like a goose.' 

434. — Private theatricals are a very great nui- 
sance, and ought to be entirely suppressed. The 
number of illiterate coxcombs who nightly murdei 



JOB MILLI 

e, and the unfortunate females who are 

hurried into these receptacles of vice, if not under 

Qta! control, ought to be rescued by the police 

i the misery that awaits them. Some time 

a tailor's apprentice was exhibiting Macbeth at one of 

t theatres, and having exclaimed — 

1 1 naie done the deed !' 

a respectable man stood up in the pit, and called out, 
4 That's not true — you hav'n't mended Mr. Smith's 
breeches, for which your back shall smart severely 
when you get home.' 

. — A cLODHOPrF.rt, of the real Sussex breed, 
underwent a shaip cross-examination by a learned 
counsel, on a late trial, in the course of which he was 
ed, who his sleeping partner in business was. 
1 My sleeping partner?' replied Hodge, scratching 
his head, and giving his hat which he held by the 
band in his other hand another turn, and staring at 
the same time at the counsellor, as much as to say, 
' l'se wonder what the devil's coming next — my 
sleeping partner ? Dang it, l'se got noa sleeping part- 

but .Mary.' The court was convulsed with laugh- 
ter : when it had somewhat subsided, the counsel 

med — • You say your sleeping partner is Mary 
— pray, who is Mary?' — ' Why doesn't thee know 

\ V rejoined Hodge, grinning till his fat red 

ks almost closed his eyes — ' why she's my wife 
Mire.' 
—A young couple, at Paris, lately going to 

mayor, to have the civil ceremony of marriage 
ng lady, in stepping out of the 
carriage, entai in the step, and 

tore it. * Hew Uupid,' exclaimed the gentleman. The 
lady took no notice of this ungallant expression, and 
the party went into the hotel of the mayor. But upon 
being asked whether she consented to take the gen- 
tleman present for her husband, she replied, ■ Aof *o 



JOE MILLER. 133 

ttupid ;* which was the only answer that could be 
obtained from her. / 

437. — Dr. South, once preaching before Charles 
II. (who was not very often in a church), observing 
that the monarch, and all his attendants, began to 
nod, and, as nobles are common men when they arc 
asleep, some of them soon after snored, on which he 
broke off his sermon, and called — ' Lord Lauderdale, 
let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so 
loud that you will wake the king.' 

438. — The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered 
a clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was sick, 
poor, and had a numerous family. In the evening, 
he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would 
deliver it in the most delicate manner, and as from 
an unknown person. The friend replied, ■ I will wait 
upon him early in the morning.' — ' You will oblige me 
by calling directly. Think, Sir, of what importance 
a good night's rest may be to that poor man.' 

439. — In a law-suit respecting boundaries, the 
counsel on both sides explained their claims on a plan 
— ' My lord,' said one, ' we lie on this side :' and the 
other said, ■ My lord, we lie on this side.' — ' Nay,' 
said the judge, ' if you lie on both sides, I can be- 
lieve neither of you.' 

440. — Lord M , with no very large portion of 

either wit or wisdom, had a very exalted opinion of 
his own powers. When once in a large company, 
and expatiating about himself, he made the following 
pointed remark : ' When 1 happen to say a foolish 
thing, I always burst out a laughing V — ' I envy you 
your happiness, my lord, then,' said Charles Town- 
send, ' for you must certainly live the merriest life of 
any man in Europe.' 

441. — A gentleman said he had travelled over 
the four quarters of the world ; and among the curio- 
sities he had remarked, there was one of which no 
author had taken notice. This wonder, according to 



134 MM.i.rn. 

him, was a caM e, and so high, that under 

each of its leaves fifty armed horsemen could put 
themselves into battle array , and perform the manual 

exercise, without hindering one another. Somebody 
that listened to him, did not amuse himself with re- 
futing that story, but very seriously told that he had 
also travelled, and had been as far as Japan, where 
he was amazed to see more than three hundred work- 
men, who were busy in fabricating a copper : a hun- 
dred and fifty were employed inside in the polishing 
of it. ' To what use could be this enormous vessel V 
I the traveller. * No doubt it was,' answered he 
immediately, ' to boil the cabbage you have just 
spoken of.' 

4 W. — Lord Norbvry was asking the reason of the 
delay that happened in a cause, and he was answered, 
it was because Mr. Sergeant Joi/, who was to lead, 
absent, but Mr. H»]»\ the solicitor, had said that 
he would return immediately : when his lordship 
humorously repeated the well known lines — 
' Hope told a flattering tale, 
That Joy would soon return.' 
443. — A labourer's daughter, who had been in 
service from her childhood, when weary, would be 
frequently wishing to be married, that, as she em- 
phatically termed it, she might rest her bimes. Hymen 
at last listened to her prayers, and a neighbouring 
clodhopper led her to the altar, nothing loth. Some 
wards her late mistress, meeting her, asked 
' \\ ell, Mary, have you rested your bones yet V 
I, indeed,' replied she, with a sigh, * J have rested 
net.* 
4*4. — A noi'.i.e lord, not over courageous, was 
once so far engaged in an affair of honour, as to be 
drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he 
came to ti. _e, an empty hearse came 

00 which Ins lordship's antagonist, who was a 
droll officer, well known, called out to the driver, 



iCF MILLER. 

■ Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll 
send you a fare.' This operated so strongly on his 
lordship's nerves, that he begged the officer's pardon, 
and returned home in a whole skin. 

41b. — ' I can't conceive, said one nobleman to 
another, ' how it is that you manage- I am convinced 
that you are not of a temper to spend more than your 
income ; and yet, though your estate is less than 
mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do.' 
— ' My lord,' said the other, * I have a place.' — ' A 
place ? you amaze me, 1 never heard of it till now — 
pray what place I 1 — 4 / am mu own steward.' 

446. — The celebrated Duchess of Grammont, on 
being brought before the revolutionary tribunal, was 
asked by Fonquier Tinville, the public accuser, if it 
not true that she had sent money to her emigrant 
children? * I was about to say. no,' replied she ; 
' but my life is not worth saving by a falsehood.' 

447. — Lord Eldon tells with pleasure the diffi- 
culties with which, in his early days, he was sur- 
rounded, and over which he triumphed — We 
an account of his early success, as he related it him- 
self at table to a friend : — * Yes,' said the ChancelJ r, 
' and I borrowed thirty pounds to go the northern 
circuit, but I got no briefs. And, Sir, I borrowed 
another thirty, but met with no return. After some 
time at this game, I had determined to borrow no 
more ; when I was prevailed on by a friend to try 
again, and did so. At York, I had a junior brief, 
and Davenport, then a leading counsel on the circuit, 
was to state the case to the jury. The cause was 
called on in the morning, and Davenport was en- 
i in the Crown Court : I,' said the Chancellor, 
' begged the judge to postpone it; but he replied, 
' You must lead, Mr. Scott,' and I did so ; it was an 
action for an assault : two Yorkshire ladies had 
quarrelled at cards : a scuffle ensued ; and one of 
them was turned off her chair on the ground ; this 



136 JOB MILLr.R, 

was the nature of the assault. It happei.ed,' pro- 
ceeded the Chancellor, ' that I set the court in a roar 
of laughter, and succeeded for my client ; retainers 
began to flow in, and the prospect brightened. On 
proceeding to Carlisle, a fortunate circumstance oc- 
curred. I had retired early to bed the night before 
the assizes, when I was aroused by a knock at my 

door : on getting up, 1 found Mr. , the solicitor, 

with a large brief in his hand ; he observed that a 
cause was coming on in the morning, and the leading 
counsel were all too much engaged to read so large a 
brief — ' You must take it, Mr. Scott ;' I hesitated, as 
Davenport and others had declined it, and expressed 
my doubt of being able to accomplish the task. He 
pressed me, and by the little light, as the attorney 
put the brief (it was a thick brief) into my hand, I 
saw written on it, 'Mr. Scott, twenty guineas.' This 
not to be refused, and I said, ■ Well, I promise 
ad your brief, and state its substance.' — ' That's 
all we want,' replied the solicitor ; so I dressed my- 
self and read it. The next day I succeeded in the 
cause, and never wanted briefs again.' 

448. — Thbophilus CibbeBi who was very extrava- 
gant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds, 
* Zounds, Sir,' said Colly, ' can't you live upon your 
salary? When I was your age, I never spent a 
farthing of my father's money.' — • But you have 
it a great deal of my father's,' replied Theophilus. 
This ictort had the desired effect. 

449. — Bishop Half, relates, that there was a cer- 
tain nobleman of his day, who kept a fool, to whom 
he one day gave a staff (a thing commonly used in 
walking at that time by all pedestrians, whether rich 
or poor), with a charge to keep it till he should meet 
with one who was a greater fool than himself. Not 
many years after, the nobleman fell sick even unto 
death. The fool came to see him ; his sick lord said 
to him — ' I must shortly leave you.' — 'And whither 



JOK Mil LF.R. 137 

are you going V asked the fool. ■ Into another world/ 
replied his lordship. ' And when will you comeback 
again 1 Within a month V — ' No.' — ■ Within a 
yearV — ' No.' — ■ When then?' — ' Never.' — ' Never !' 
echoed the fool, ' and what provision hast thou made 
for thy entertainment there whither thou goestV — 
1 None at all.' — ' No,* exclaimed the fool. ' none at 
all! Here, then, take my staff; for, wi?h all my 
folly, I am not guilty of any such folly as this.' 

450. — Queen Caroline, consort of George the 
Second, was remarkable for having the largest feet of 
any female in the kingdom. One morning as her 
majesty was walking on the banks of the river near 
Richmond, attended only by one lady, venturing too 
far on the sand, from which the water had recently 
ebbed, she sunk in up to her ancles, and in endea- 
vouring to extricate herself, lost one of her galloches; 
at that instant, the lady observing a waterman rowing 
by, requested he would land, and recover the aueen's 
slipper. The request was instantly complied with, 
and whilst the sen of Old Thames was, with evident 
marks of astonishment in his countenance, examining 
its extraordinary size, turning to her majesty, he in- 
quired if that was her slipper. On being answered 
in the affirmative, he bluntly replied — ■ Then, I am 
out of my reckoning, for I mistook it for a child's 
cradle.' 

451. — At the commencement of a public dinner 
at Guildhall, on Lord Mayor's Day, Mr. Chamber- 
lain Wilkes lisped out — ' Mr. Alderman Burnell, 
shall I help you to a plate of turtle, or a slice of 
the haunch ? I am within reach of both.' — ' Neither 
one nor t'other, I thank you, Sir,' replied the alder- 
man ; ' I think I shall dine on the beans and bacon, 
which are at this end of the table.' — ' Mr. Alder- 
man A n, which would you choose, Sir?' conti- 
nued the chamberlain. ' Sir, I will not trouble you 
for either, for I believe I shall follow the example 



138 JOK MILL in. 

of my brother Burnell, and dine on beans and bacon,' 

the reply. On this second refusal, the old chain- 
beilain rose from his seat, and with every mark of 
astonishment in his countenance, curled up the cor- 
ners of his mouth, cast his eyes around the table, 
and in a voice as loud and articulate as he was able, 
called — ' Silence;' which being obtained, he then 
addressed the Praetorian Magistrate, who sat in the 
chair : — ' My Lord .Mayor, the wicked have accused 
us of intemperance, and branded us with the impu- 
tation of gluttony ; that they may be put to open 
shame, and their profane tongues be from this day 
silenced, 1 humbly move that your lordship com- 
mand the proper officer to record in our annals — I 
that two Aldermen of the City of London, prefer beans 
and bacon to either venison or turtle sou)).' 

4.Y2. — Two city merchants conversing upon busi- 
ness at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of 
tin m made some remarks on the badness of the times ; 
and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons 

mg over their heads, he exclaimed — ' How happy 
are these pigeons ! they have no acceptances to pro- 
vide for.' To which the other replied — ' You are 
rather in error, my friend, for they have their bills to 
provide for as well as we ! 

4">3. — An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend 

of his recommended him to one of our famous ocu- 

lots, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a 

beautiful one shewn him among the rest. lie 

tally called the next day to abuse him for having 
sold him an eye with which he could not see. 

i i i it coining into the kitchen of 
an inn, in a very cold night, stood so close to the fire 
that he burnt his boots. An arch rogue, who sat in 
the chimney corner, cried out to him, ' Sir, you'll 
burn your spurs presently.' — ' My boots, you mean, 

ippote,' said the gentleman. — ' No, Sir,' replied 
the other, ' they are burnt alreadv.' 



JOE MILLER. 139 

45.5. — An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in 
which he was the defendant, was informed by his 
counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom 
he had any personal objections, he might legally 
challenge them. • Faith, and so I will/ replied he, 
? if they do not bring me off handsomely, I will chal- 
lenge every man of them.' 

456. — A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, 
and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen 
a ghost. ' When and where V said the pastor. — 
\ Last night/ replied the timid man, ' I was passing 
by the church, and up against the wall of it did I 
behold the spectre.' — ' In what shape did it appear V 
replied the priest. — ' It appeared in the shape of a 
great ass.' — 4 Go home, and hold your tongue about 
it,' rejoined the pastor, ' you are a very timid man, 
and have been frighted by your own shadow.' 

4,57. — After a certain military company had 
dined, and their commander thought a longer circu- 
lation of the glass might tend to prevent the regu- 
larity of their return, he exclaimed jocosely, 'Atten- 
tion ! charge bayonets !' to which one of the com- 
pany cleverly replied, ' As we are in the rear rank, 
if you please, we will remain at port. 1 

458. — An Irishman carrying a cradle was stopped 
by an old woman, and thus accosted : ' So, Sir, you 
have got some of the fruits of matrimony.' — ' Softly, 
softly, old lady/ said he, ' you mistake, this is merely 
the fruit basket.' 

459. — A cowardly fellow, much given to appa- 
rent courage, or boasting (as most cowards are), 
having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received 
a violent box on the ear. Summoning his most au- 
thoritative tone, he demanded, whether that was 
meant in earnest. ! Yes, Sir,' replied the other, with- 
out hesitation. The coward, thinking he should have 
frightened him, now turned away, saying, ' I am 
glad of it, Sir, for I do not like such jests.' 



.40 JOR MILLAR. 

460. — An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew 
who lold him he had just been entered at college 
replied, ■ I am extremely happy to hear it ; make the 
most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall 
lite to hear you preach my funeral sermon.* 

461. — An old gentleman, who used to frequent 
one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, 
thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion 
concerning his case ; accordingly, one day he took 
an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat 
in the same box with him, what he should take for 
such a complaint? ' I '11 tell you,' said the doctor, 
■ you should take advice.' 

462. — As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a 
poor woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve, in 
the middle of the service. ' Sir, Sir, I want to speak 
with you.' — ' Prithee wait, woman, till I have done/ 
— ' No, Sir, I must speak to you immediately.' — 
1 Well, then, what is the matter?' — ■ Why, Sir, you 
are going to bury a man who died of the small-pox, 
near my poor husband, who never had it.' 

463. — When Mrs. Glynn made her entree as Lady 
Townly, some years since, in Dublin, three high bred 
women of fashion, in the stage-box, grossly insulted 
her, by talking loud, coughing, &c. The actress, great- 
ly distressed, stopped, burst into tears, and retired. 
The ladies, unabashed, for a moment enjoyed their 
triumph, when a great uproar ensued, and ' Go on, go 
on,' was heard from all parts of the house. A young 
collegian then suddenly jumped on one of the benches 
in the middle of the pit, and exclaimed to the audi- 
ence, ' My friends, who sit about me, are determined 
the play shall not go on, till those drunken men in 
women's clothes leave the stage-box.' This address 
universally applauded, and being followed by a 
fihower of oranges and apples from both galleries, 
the Amazonians retired in the utmost confusion, 
amidst the hisses of the spectators. 



JOE MILLER. 141 

464. — Several years ago, two brothers, went to 
Jamaica : they were, by trade, blacksmiths. Find- 
ing, soon after their arrival, they could do nothing 
without a little money to begin with, but that with 
sixty or seventy pounds, they might be able, with 
industry, to get on a little, they hit upon the follow- 
ing novel and ingenious expedient. One of them 
stripped the other naked, shaved him close, and 
blacked him from head to foot. This being done, he 
took him to one of the negro-dealers, who, after view- 
ing and approving his stout athletic appearance, ad- 
vanced eighty pounds currency upon the bill of sale, 
and prided himself on the purchase, supposing him 
to be one of the finest negroes on the island. The 
same evening, this new-manufactured negro made 
his escape to his brother, washed himself clean, and 
resumed his former appearance. Rewards were in 
vain offered in hand bills, pursuit was eluded, and 
discovery, by care and precaution, rendered imprac- 
ficable. The brothers with the money commenced 
Dusiness, and actually returned to England, with a 
fortune of several thousand pounds. Previous, how- 
ever, to their departure from the island, they waited 
upon the gentleman from whom they had received 
the money, and recalling the circumstance of the 
negro to his recollection, paid him both principal 
and interest, with thanks. 

465. — The late counsellor Egan, Chairman of the 
Quarter Sessions for Dublin, was so remarkable for 
his lenity to female culprits, that a woman was sel- 
dom convicted when he presided. On one occasion, 
when this humane barrister was not in the chair, a 
prim looking woman was put to the bar of the Com- 
mission court, at which presided the equally humane 

though perhaps not so gallant, Baron L . She 

was indicted for uttering forged bank notes. Ac- 
cording to usual form o! law, the clerk of the crowi? 
asked the orisoner if she was ready to take her trial' 



142 JOE MILLER. 

With becoming disdain, she answered, • No!' She 
told by the clerk, she must give her reasons why. 
As if scorning to hold conversation with the fellow, 
she thus addressed his lordship, ' My lord, 1 won't 
be tried here at all, I'll be tried by my lord Egan/ 
The simplicity of the woman, coupled with the well 
known character of Egan, caused a roar of laughter 
in the court, which even the bench could not resist. 

Baron L , with his usual mildness, endeavoured 

to explain the impossibility of her being tried by the 
popular judge, and said, ' He can't try you,' when 
the woman stopped him short, and exclaimed, * Can't 
try me ! I beg your pardon, my lord, he has tried 
me twice before.' She was tried, however, and for 
the third time acquitted. 

466. — A gentleman on a stage-coach, passing 
through the city of Bath, and observing a handsome 
edifice, inquired of the driver what building it was? 
The driver replied, ■ It is the Unitarian Church.' — 
1 Unitarian}' said the gentleman, ' and what is thatV 
— 4 1 don't know,' said Jehu, ' but I believe it is in 
the opposition line.' 

467. — A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncas- 
ter, was thus accosted by his landlord : — ■ John, I 
am going to raise your rent.' John replied, • Sir, I 
am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it 
myself.' 

468. — George I., on a journey to Hanover, stop- 
ped at a village in Holland, and while the horses 
were getting ready, he asked for two or three eggs, 
which were brought him, and charged two hundred 
florins. 'How is this V said his majesty, 'eggs must 
be very scarce in the place.' — ' Pardon me,' said the 
I, ' eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce.' 
The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid. 

469. — A dispute about precedence once arose be- 
tween a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some alter- 
cation, the latter thought he should quite confound 



JOE MIL! FR. 143 

his opponent by quoting the following passage : — 
' For on these two hang all the law and the prophets.' 
— * Do you not see,' said the lawyer, in triumph, 
* that even in this passage of scripture, we are men- 
tioned first V — 4 1 grant you/ says the bishop, ' you 
hang first.' 

470. — When the first edition of Thomson's Sea- 
sons came out, the poet sent a copy, handsomely 
bound, to Sir Gilbert Elliot, of Minto, afterwards 
Lord Justice Clerk, who had shewn him great kind- 
ness. Sir Gilbert shewed the book to his gardener, 
a relation of Thomson, who took the book into his 
hands, and turning it over and over, and gazing on 
it with admiration, Sir Gilbert said to him, ' Well, 
David, what do you think of James Thomson now 1 
there's a book will make him famous all the world 
over, and immortalize his name.' David, looking 
now at Sir Gilbert, then at the book, said, ' In 
troth, Sir, it is a grand book ! I did not think the lad 
had ingenuity enow to ha' done sic a neat piece of 
handicraft.' 

471. — Two bucks riding on the western road on a 
Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep 
towards the metropolis ; when one of them accosted 
him with ' Pr'ythee, Jack, which is the way to Wind- 
sor?' — 'How did you know my name was Jack V 
said the boy, staring in their faces. ' We are con- 
jurers, young Hobnail,' said the gentlemen, laugh- 
ing. ■ Oh ! you be ! then you don't want I to show 
you the way to Windsor,' replied the lad, pursuing 
his journey. 

472. — A Negro from Montserrat, where the Hi- 
berno- Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to be 
on the wharf at Philadelphia when a number of Irish 
emigrants were landed ; and seeing one of them with 
a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist 
the family on shore. The Irishman, in his native 
tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility of the 



144 JOE MILLER. 

negrc ; who, understanding what had been said, re- 
plied, in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for 
ne was a bit of an Irishman himself. The Irishman, 
surprised to hear a black man speak his dialect, it 
entered his mind, with the usual rapidity of the Irish 
fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that the 
climate had, no doubt, changed his complexion. ■ If 
1 may be so bold, Sir,' said he, ' may 1 ask you how 
long you have been in this country V The negro- 
man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said, 
he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. 
Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and children, 
and, looking as if for the last time on their rosy 
cheeks, concluding that in four months they must 
also change their complexions, exclaimed, ■ O Mer- 
ciful Powers ! — Judy, did you hear that ? he has not 
been more than four months in this country, and he 
is already almost as black as jet.' 

473. — When Whitfield preached before the sea- 
men at New York, he had the following bold apos- 
trophe in his sermon : — ' Well, my boys, we have a 
clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth 
sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose 
sight of land. But what means this sudden lowering 
of tiie Heavens, and that dark cloud arising from be- 
neath the western horizon 1 Hark ! Don't you hear 
distant thunder 1 Don't you see those flashes of 
lightning 1 There is a storm gathering ! Every man 
to his duty ! How the waves rise, and dash against 
the ship ! The air is dark ! The tempest rages ! Our 
masts are gone ! The ship is on her beam ends ! 
What next Y — It is said that the unsuspecting tars, 
reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck 
by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and 
minds, and exclaimed, ' Take to the long boat.' 

474. — A dashing buck, having just mounted a 
fashionable great coat, trimmed with a profusion of 
fur, lately asked an old gentleman how he liked his 



J,»t MILLER. 146 

new kick? ' Upon my word, Sir,' said he, ■ I like it 
extremely, for it reminds me of a very excellent 
fable.' — ' What is that V returned the interrogator. 
4 The Ass in the Lion's Skin,' was the answer. 

475. — An Irish soldier passing through m meadow j 
near Cork, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed 
the dog with a spear that he had in his hand. The. 
master of the dog brought him before the magistrate, 
who asked him, why he had not rather struck the 
dog with the but end of his weapon. ■ So I should,' 
said the soldier, 4 if he had run at me with his tail.' 

476. — At the siege of Tortona, the commander of 
the army which lay before the town, ordered Carew, 
an Irish officer in the service of Naples, to advance 
with a detachment to a particular post. Having 
given his orders, he whispered to Carew, 'Sir, I 
know you to be a gallant man ; I have therefore put 
you upon this duty. I tell you in confidence, it is 
certain death for you all. I place you there to make 
the enemy spring a mine below you.' Carew made 
a bow to the general, and led on his men in silence to 
the dreadful post. He there stood with an undaunted 
countenance, and having called to one of the soldiers 
for a draught of wine, ■ Here,' said he, ' 1 drink to 
all those who bravely fall in battle.' Fortunately 
at that instant Tortona capitulated, and Carew es- 
caped. But he had thus a full opportunity of dis- 
playing a rare instance of determined intrepidity. 

477. — Mr. Jeremy White, one of Oliver Crom- 
well's domestic chaplains, a sprightly man, and one 
of the chief wits of the court, was so ambitious as to 
make his addresses to Oliver's youngest daughter, 
the Lady Frances. The young lady did not discou- 
rage him ; but in so religious a court, this gallantry 
could not be carried on without being taken notice 
of. The Protector was told of it, and was much 
concerned thereat ; he ordered the person who told 
him to keep a strict look out, promising if he could 
H 



146 jo i mm i i n. 

give him any substantial pi oofs, he should be well 
t tied, and White severely punished. 
I he spy followed liis business so close, that in a 
little time lie dodged Jerry White, as he was gene- 
rally called, to the lady's chamber, and ran imme- 
diately to the Protector, to acquaint him that they 
together. 

Oliver t in a rage, hastened to the chamber, and, 
going in hastily, found Jerry on his knees, either 
kissing the lady's hand, or having just kissed it. 
Cromwell, in a fury asked what was the meaning of 
that posture before his daughter Frances? White, 
with a great deal of presence of mind, said, ■ May it 
please your highness, I have a long time courted 
that young gentlewoman there, my lady's woman, 
and cannot prevail ; I was therefore humbly praying 
her ladyship to intercede for me.' 

The Protector, turning to the young woman, 
cried, * What's the meaning of this, hussy ; why do 
you refuse the honour Mr. W r hite would do you? he 
is my friend, and I expect you should treat him as 
such.' My lady's woman, who desired nothing more, 
with a very low curtesy, replied, ' If Mr. White in- 
tends me that honour, 1 shall not be against him.' 
— ' Sayest thou so, my lass V cried Cromwell, ■ call 
Goodwyn ; this business shall be done presently, be- 
fore 1 go out of the room.' 

Mr. White was gone too far to go back ; his bro- 
ther parson came : Jerry and my lady's woman were 
married in the presence of the Protector, who gave 
her five hundred pounds for her portion, which, with 
what she had saved before, made Mr. White easy in 
his circumstances, except that he never loved his 
wife, nor she him, though they lived together near 
fifty years afterwards. 

478. — Lady W is celebrated in Ireland for 

wit and beauty. Happening to be at an asscm!>iy 
in Dublin, a young gentleman, the son of his ma- 



JOE MILLER. 147 

jestv's printer, who had the patent for publishing 
Bibles, made his appearance, dressed in green and 
gold. Being a new face, and extremely elegant, he 
attracted the attention of the whole company. A 
general murmur prevailed in the room, to learn who 

he was ; Lady W instantly made answer, loud 

enough to be heard, ■ Oh ! don't you know him ? it is 
young Bible, bound in calf and gilt, but not letter'd.' 

479. — A very harmless Irishman eating an apple- 
pie with some quinces in it ; ■ Arrah, dear honey/ 
said he, ' if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, 
how would an apple-pie taste made of all quinces V 

480.— A brave tar, with a wooden leg, who was 
on board Admiral Duncan's fleet in the engage- 
ment with the Dutch, having the misfortune to have 
the other shot off, as his comrades were conveying 
him to the surgeon, notwithstanding the poignancy 
of his agonies, could not suppress his joke, saying, 
1 It was high time for him to leave off play when his 
last pin was bowled down.' 

4ft 1. — It is a superstition with some surgeons who 
beg the bodies of condemned malefactors, to go to 
the gaol, and bargain for the carcase with the crimi- 
nal himself. An honest gentleman did so last ses- 
sions, and was admitted to the condemned men on 
the morning wherein they died. The surgeon com- 
municated his business, and fell into discourse with 
a little fellow who refused twelve shillings, and in- 
sisted upon fifteen for his body. The fellow who 
killed the officer of Newgate, very forwardly, and 
like a man who was willing to deal, said, ■ Look you, 
Mr. Surgeon, that little dry fellow, who has been 
half starved all his life, and is now half dead with 
fear, cannot answer your purpose. I have ever lived 
highly and freely, my veins are full, I have not pined 
in imprisonment ; you see my crest swells to your 
knife, and after Jack Ketch has done, upon my ho- 
nour you'll find me as sound as e'er a bullock in any 



148 JOB MILLER. 

of the markets. Come, for twenty shillings I am 
your man/ Says the surgeon, ■ Done, there's a gui- 
nea.' The witty rogue took the money, and as soon 
as he had it in his fist, cries, ' Bite, I'm to be hanged 
in chain!.' 

482. — In a company, consisting of naval officers, 
the discourse happened to turn on ihe ferocity of 
small animals ; when an Irish gentleman present 
stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all 
animals, was the most ferocious ; and added, ' I can 
prove my assertion, by a fact within my own know- 
ledge : — 1 once,' said he, ' saw two of these animals 
fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the 
result of a long battle, I drove them into a deep 
saw-pit, and placing some boards over the mouth, 
left them to their amusement. Next morning I went 
to see the conclusion of the fight, and what d'ye think 
1 saw f — ' One of the cats dead, probably,' replied 
one of the company. ■ No, by St. Patrick, there 
was nothing left in the pit, but the two tails, and a bit 
of finer 

483. — When captain Grose first went over to Ire- 
land, his curiosity led him to see every thing in the 
capital worth seeing : in the course of his perambu- 
lation, he one evening strolled into the principal meat 
market of Dublin, when the butchers, as usual set 
up the constant outcry of ' What do you buy ? What 
do you buy, master?' Grose parried this for some 
time, by saying, ' he wanted nothing ;' at last a 
butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's 
figure from top to bottom, which was something like 
Dr. Slop's, in Tristram Shandy, exclaimed, ' Well, 
Sir, though you don't want any thing at present, only 
say you buy your meat of me, and you'll make my 
fortune.' 

484. — The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly 
taken very ill, the husband ordered a servant to get a 
horse ready to go to the next town for the doctor. B) 



JOE MILLER. 149 

the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter 
to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on whicn 
he added the following postscript, and sent off the 
messenger : ' My wife being recovered, you need not 
come.' 

48.5. — Lord Townshend's butler, in preparing the 
cloth for a choice festival, was unlucky enough to 
break a dozen of china plates, of a rare and beautiful 
pattern. ■ You blockhead,' cries his lordship, meet- 
ing him presently after, with another dozen in his 
hand, * how did you do it V — ' Upon my soul, my 
lord, they happened to fall just so/ replied the fellow, 
and instantly dashed them also upon the marble 
hearth into a thousand pieces. 

486. — A nobleman, of the thick blood of the Irish 
nation, paid his addresses to the daughter of a friend, 
who valued money more than ancestry : the old gen- 
tleman hinted to his lordship, that he supposed his 
fortune was equivalent to his daughter's 1 ■ Why no, 
Sir,' replied his lordship, ' I cannot say 'tis altogether 
so considerable 1 but then you know, Sir, there is my 
blood.' — ' Your blood V returns the gentleman ; * if 
you squander my daughter's fortune away, she must 
not depend on your blood for a subsistence : a hog's 
blood would be of more service then, and would make 
much better puddings.' 

487. — Iv a convivial assembly, some of the com- 
pany questioning, whether the hamlet of Auburn, in 
the county of Westmeath, was really the subject of 
Dr. Goldsmith's Deserted Village, and a doubt arising 
from the circumstance of the doctor's not having been 
actually on the spot when he composed that pathetic 
piece, an old Irish gentleman present, with the zeal 
of a warm defender of his country's rightful honoui, 
exclaimed, ' Why, gentlemen, was Milton actually 
in hell when he wrote his Paradise Lost V 

488. — A lady of quality sending her Irish footman 
to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged 



JOE MILLER. 

a coach if it rained , for fear of wetting 

l)ut a great shower of rain falling, the fellow 

ed with the stays dripping wet, and being se- 

reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, 

he said, he had obeyed his orders. ' How then,' 

red the lady, ' could the stays be wet, if you 

took them into the coach with you?' — 'No, no,' re< 

plied the man, ' I know my place better. I did not 

go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always do.* 

—An Irishman, going down the High-street 

of <J lasgow, met a person whom he thought he knew 

but Pat, finding his mistake, ' I beg your pardon 

says he, ' I thought it was you, and you thought it 

was me, but by St. Patrick it is none of us.' 

490. — * By the lord lieutenant and council 
of Ireland." 
* A proclamation. — Whereas the greatest economy 
is necessary in all species of grain, and especially in 
the consumption of potatoes, 1 

491 . — An Irish boy saw a train of his companions 
loaded with kishes, or baskets, of turf coming towards 
his father's cabin. His father had no turf, and how 
to get some was the question ; ■ to dig he was un- 
willing, and to beg he was ashamed." He took up a 
turf which had fallen from a cart the preceding day, 
and stuck it on a pole. When the lads passed, he 
appeared throwing turf at the mark. ' Boys,' cried 
he, ' who can hit it V Each kish boy, in passing, tried, 
perhaps several throws, and when the whole had 
passed, there was a heap left sufficient to reward the 
ingenuity of the arch rogue. 

492.— Swift riding out one day, met a parishioner 
capitally mounted, and began to pay him compliments 
on his horse, ' Mr. Dean,' said the other, ■ he is very 
well, but still not equal to yours.' — 'To mine,' re- 
turned Swift, ' why this is a mere pad.' — ' Aye,' re- 
plied the other, ' but he carries the best head of any 
liors« in Ireland." 



* . 

:ct b 



JOB MILi.£R. 151 

493. — In one of the late revolutionary battles in 
Ireland, a rebel hair-dresser ran up to the muzzle of 
a cannon, to which an artilleryman was just apply- 
ing the match, and thrusting his head into its mouth, 
exclaimed, the moment before he was blown to atoms, 
1 By Jasus, I have stopped your mouth, my honey, 
for this time.' 

494. — Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush 
when the fruit was unripe, one said it was ridiculous 
to call them black berries, when they were red. — 
1 Don't you know,' said his friend, ■ that blackberries 
are always red when they are green.* 

495. — An attorney brought an action against a 
farmer for having called him a rascally lawyer. An 
old husbandman being a witness, was asked if he 
heard the man call him a lawyer — ' I did,' was the 
reply. ' Pray,' says the judge, ' what is your opinion 
of the import of the word V — ' There can be no doubt 
of that,' replied the fellow. ' Why, good man,' said 
the judge: * there is no dishonour in the name, is 
there?' — ' 1 know nothing about that,' answered he, 
1 but this I know, if any man called me a lawyer I'd 
knock him down.' — * Why, Sir,' said the judge, point- 
ing to one of the counsel, ' that gentlemen is a lawyer, 
and that, and 1 too am a lawyer.' — ' No, no,' replied 
the fellow ; ' no, my lord : you are a judge, I know ; 
but I'm sure you are no lauyrr.' 
* 496. — Shortly after a change in the ministry in 
a late reign, the king having remarked that his shirt 
was not made up in the usual way, and finding, upon 
inquiry, that the old laundress, with whom he was 
very well satisfied, had been dismissed from her 
situation, complained of the latter circumstance to 
the Lord Chamberlain ; upon which his lordship 
replied, that when he came into office he had, as was 
isual, exercised his patronage, by appointing a new 
iaundress. The king continued dissatisfied with the 
manner in which his linen was got up, complained 



133 MII.L&R. 

in, and was ngain told by the Lord Chamberlain, 
that the change of laundress was only in the due 
i his patronage. 'Then,' replied George 111., 
somewhat ruffled, ' 1 am to understand that 1 cannot 
change my laundress.' His lordship respectfully 
bowed assent. ' But,' his Majesty resuming, • if I 
cannot change my laundress, may I not be allowed 
to change my Lord Chamberlain V — ' Oh ! certainly/ 
answered the latter ; and here the conversation ended. 
On the next day, however, the old laundress was 
luted in office. 

4 l . 7. — Ma. Fox, in the course of a speech, said — - 
* If any thing on my part, or on the part of those with 
whom 1 acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could 
not lie on my pillow with ease/ George Tierney 
(then in the administration) whispered to his neigh- 
bour — * If he could not lie on his pillow with ease, 
he can lie in this house with ease/ 

498. — 4 \Vno is that lovely girlV exclaimed Lord 
Noiburv, riding in company with his friend, Counsel- 
lor Grahaarty. ' Miss Glass/ replied the barrrister. 
1 Glass/ reiterated the facetious judge ; ■ by the love 
which man bears to woman, I should often become 
intoxicated, could I press such a glass to my lips.' 

499. — A gentleman on circuit narrating to his 
lordship some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned 
that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before break- 
fast — ' Thirty-three huirs !' exclaimed Lord Norbury: 
' zounds, Sir ! then you must have been firing at a 

500. — PniNCK Maurice, in an engagement with the 
Spaniards, took twenty four prisoners, one of whom 
1 hman. lie ordered eight of these to 

be hanged to retaliate a like sentence passed by Arch- 
duke Albert, upon the same number of Hollanders. 
The fate of the unhappy victims was to be determined 
by drawing lots. The Englishman, who had the 
good fortune to escape, seeing a Spaniard express the 



JOE MILLER. 153 

strongest symptoms of horror when ft came to his 
turn to put his hand into the helmet, offered for twelve 
crowns to stand his chance. The offer was accepted, 
and he was so fortunate as to escape a second time. 
Upon being called a fool for so presumptuously 
tempting his fate, he said — ■ He thought he acted 
very prudently, for, as he daily hazarded his life for 
sixpence, he must have made a good bargain in ven- 
turing it for twelve crowns.' 

501. — Mr. Garrick was once present with Dr. 
Johnson, at the table of a nobleman, where, amongst 
other guests, was one, of whose near connexions some 
disgraceful anecdote was then in circulation. It had 
reached the ears of Johnson, who, after dinner, took 
an opportunity of relating it in his most acrimonious 
manner. Garrick, who sat next to him, pinched his 
arm, and trod upon his toe, and made use of other 
means to interrupt the thread of his narration, but all 
was in vain. The doctor proceeded, and when he 
had finished the story, he turned gravely round to 
Garrick, of whom before he had taken no notice what- 
ever — 'Thrice,' said he, ' Davy, have you trod upon 
my toe ; thrice have you pinched my arm ; and now, 
if what I have related be a falsehood, convict me 
before this company.' Garrick replied not a word, 
but frequently declared afterwards, that he never felt 
half so much perturbation, even when he met ■ his 
father's ghost.' 

502. — During the contested election foi Devon, 
between Mr. Bastard and Lord Ebrington, Mrs. ***»• 
and her daughter were walking in the Castle-yard, 
at Exeter, when miss having slily mounted a little 
bit of blue, in opposition to the vote and interest of 
papa, was accosted by a young friend, with ■ Dear 
me ! you are not a Bastard, are you V When the 
former replied — ■ Indeed, miss, I am, ask mamma if 
I a'n't.' — ' Yes, my dear,' replied mamma, ■ I believe 
you are, but papa must not know it.' 
H2 



154 JOB MILLER. 

50.>. — A little girl, who knew very well thejpain- 
ful anxiety which her mother had long suffered, 
during a tedious course of litigation, hearing that she 
had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out — 
• O, my dear mamma ! how glad I am that you have 
lost that nasty law-suit, which used to give you so 
much trouble and uneasiness.' 

504. — When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great 
banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on 
him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an 
immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon 
seeing the master in private. This was at length 
acceded to ; and when the banker and the sailor met 
together, the following conversation ensued — Sailor. 
' Mr. Hankey, I've got a tickler for you — didn't like 
to expose you before the lads.' — Hankey. ■ That 
was kind. Pray, what's this tickler V — Sailor. 
' Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you ; 'tis 
a fifty.' — Hankey. ' Ah ! that's a tickler, indeed.' 
— Sailor. ■ Don't fret - } give me five pounds now, and 
the rest at so much a week, I shan't mention it to 
anybody.' 

505 — A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber's 
boy, « Did you ever shave a monkey?' — ' Why no, 
Sir,' replied the boy, ' never ; but if you will please 
to sit down, I will try.' 

506. — An Irishman, a short time since, bade an 
extraordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as 
a reason — ' That, as he loved to rise early, he had 
nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could 
wake himself.' 

507. — A gentleman being asked to give a defini- 
tion of nonsense, replied, in a Johnsonian style — 
' Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled 
carrot.' 

508. — When Isaiah Thomas, the printer of Mas- 
sachusetts, was printing his almanack for 1788, one 
of his boys asked him what he should put opposite 



JOE MILLER. 155 

July 15th. Mr. Thomas being engaged, replied — 
1 any thing he liked.' The boy returned to the office, 
and set hail, rain, and snow. The country was all 
amazement, the day arrived, when it actually rained, 
hailed, and snowed violently ; from that time Tho- 
mas's almanacks were in great demand. 

509. — * H a ve you any thing else old V said an Eng- 
lish lady at Rome to a boy, of whom she had bought 
some modern antiques : * Yes,' said the young urchin, 
thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen 
summers, ' my hat is old.' The lady rewarded his 
wit. 

510. — A country Justice of the Peace, when up- 
wards of seventy years of age, married a girl about 
nineteen, and being well aware that he was likely to 
be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. 
Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called 
upon him, after the first salutations were passed, he 
was sure to begin the conversation, by saying, he be- 
lieved he could tell them news. ' Why,' says he, ■ I 
have married my tailor's daughter.' If he was asked 
why he did so 1 the old gentleman replied, ' Why, 
the father suited me so well for forty years past, that 
I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years 
to come.' 

511. — A veteran highlander, between whose fa- 
mily and that of a neighbouring chieftain had existed 
a long hereditary feud, being on his death bed, was 
reminded that this was the time to forgive all his ene- 
mies, even he who had most injured him. ' Well, 
be it so,' said the old highlander, after a short pause, 
1 be it so ; go tell Kenmure I forgive him — but my 
curse rest on my son if ever he does.' 

511 — ' When I was very young,' said Mr. Mun- 
den (rehearsing anecdotes of his past life), ' and look- 
ing still younger, I performed the part of Old Philpot, 
in the Citizen, to a respectable audience at Brighton, 
with great success ; and it chanced, on the next even- 



•56 JOB Mil i in. 

g, I I from any professional duty, I 

as introduced, by the gentleman who principally 
oniied me, as ftr. MuwUn, into a club-room full 
of company. On hearing my name announced, a 
nice snug looking good humoured personage laid 
down his pipe, and taking up his glass, said — ■ Here 
is to your health, young sir, and to your father's 
health, I saw him perform last night, and a very nice 
clever old gentleman he is.' 

b\3. — An Irish Jack Ketch, upon asking a crimi- 
nal, on the point of execution, for the accustomed 
fee of his "office, received something more than the 
usual sum, on which he exclaimed, in great glee — 
' Long life, and good luck to your honour/ and in- 
stantly let the drop fall. 

-A black man proceeding along one of the 
fashionable streets at the west end of the town, was 
saluted with the sound of — ■ How d'ye do, blackee 
— how do, Snowball V He turned round in anger, 
but on perceiving the parrot, he said — ' Ah ! ah ! you 
rogue, you grow rich now, have a fine golden house 
of your own, insult poor man, but I know your fader 
when he lived in a bush — mind dat, and keep civil 
tongue.' 

51; 5. — An apothecary, one of the Friends, meeting 
Dr. FothergUl in the street, accosted him in the fol- 
lowing manner. ' Friend FothergUl, I intend dining 
with thee to-day.' — ' I shall be glad to see thee,' re- 
plied the doctor. ' I intend bringing my family with 
me,' says the apothecary. ■ So much the better,' 
quoth the doctor. ■ But pray, friend, hast thou not 
gome joke V — ' No joke, indeed,' replies the apothe- 
cary, * but a very serious matter. Thou hast at- 
tended friend Epkraim these three days, and ordered 
btm no medicine. I cannot live at this rate in my 
own house, and I must therefore live in thine.' The 
doctor took the hint, and prescribed handsomely for his 
friend Ephraim, and his friend Leech, the apothecary. 



JOB MILLER. 167 

5 16. — A youxo man visiting his mistress, met a 
rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and wish- 
ing to rally him, inquired how old he was ? ' I can't 
exactly tell,' replied the other ; * but I can inform 
you that an ass is older at twenty, than a man of 
sixty !' 

517. — When Ameer, who had conquered Persia 
and Tartary, was defeated by Ismail, and taken pri- 
soner, he sat on the ground, and a soldier prepared 
a coarse meal to appease his hunger. As this was 
boiling in one of the pots used for the food of the 
horses, a dog put his head into it ; but from the 
mouth of the vessel being too small, he could not 
draw it out again, and ran away with both the pot 
and the meat. The captive monarch burst into a fit 
of laughter ; and, on one of his guards demanding 
what cause upon earth could induce a person in his 
situation to laugh, he replied — ' It was but this morn- 
ing the steward of my household complained, that 
three hundred camels were not enough to carry my 
kitchen furniture ; how easily it is now borne by that 
dog, who hath carried away my cooking instruments 
and dinner !' 

518. — Dean Swift once preached a charity ser- 
mon at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which 
disgusted many of his auditors ; which coming to his 
knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach 
another sermon of the like kind in the same place, 
he took special care to avoid falling into the former 
error. His text was — ' He that hath pity upon the 
poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath 
given, will he pay him again.' The dean, after re- 
peating his text in a very emphatical tone, added — 
' Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of 
this loan ; if you like the security, down with the 
dust.' It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness 
and brevity of this sermon produced a very large con- 
tribution. 



158 JOB MILLER. 

519. — Tub following admonition was address 
a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a voll 
ill language against him—' Have a care, friend, 
mayest run thy face against my fist.' 

520. — A fellow boasting in company of his fa- 
mily, declared even his own father died in an exalted 
situation. Some of the company looking incredu- 
lous, another observed — 'I can bear testimony of the 
gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff" for the 
county when his was hanged for horse-stealing.' 

541. — A late great personage, when masquerades 
were frequently allowed in this country, being pre- 
sent at one of these entertainments, he was struck 
with the form of a lady. After some conversation 
with her, he laid his hand upon her bosom, the soft- 
ness of which he greatly commended. ■ 1 could,' 
replied the lady, ■ put your hand upon a softer place/ 
and upon his requesting her to do so, she immedi- 
ately put his hajid upon his own head, and directly 
mingled with the crowd. 

522. — A secretary of war, being at a corporation 
feast, when the dinner was over, and the glass went 
merrily round, one of the aldermen addressed him- 
self to his lordship as follows : — ' My lord, I won- 
der, amongst the various changes of ins and outs in 
the administration, I have always observed your lord- 
ship in constant employ.' This was repeated seve- 
ral times, as his lordship endeavoured to evade giv- 
ing a direct answer ; however, at last, on the obser- 
vation being repeated, his lordship made this laconic 
reply : — ' Mr. Alderman, I look on the state as a 
large plum-pudding, and whilst there is a bit of it 
left, I am determined to have a part of it.' 

523. — Swift, in his lunacy, had intervals of sense, 
at which time his physicians took him out for the air. 
When they came to the park, Swift remarked a new 
building, *nd asked what it was designed for, to 
which Dr. Kingsbury answered, 4 That, Mr. Dean, 



JOE MILLER. 159 

is the magazine for arms and powder for the security 
of the city.'— 1 Oh !' said the dean, pulling out his 
pocket-book, ' let me take an item of that ; this is 
worth remarking; my tablets, as Hamlet says, my 
tablets; memory, put down that;' on which he wrote 
the following lines, which were the last he ever 
wrote : 

• Behold a proof of Irish sense, 
Here Irish wit is seen; 
When nothing's left that's worth defence, 
We build a magazine/ 

and then put up his pocket-book, laughing heartily 
at the conceit, and finishing it with these words : 
1 After the steed is stolen, shut the stable door.' Af- 
ter which he never said a sensible word, so that these 
lines may be said to be the last speech and dying 
words of his wit. 

524. — Win v General V was quartered in a 

small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly 
besieged as they got into their carriage by an old 
beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assail- 
ing them daily with fresh importunities. Their cha- 
rity and patience became exhausted : not so the pe- 
titioner's perseverance. One morning, as Mrs. V. 
stepped into the carriage, our oratrix began — ' Oh, 
my lady ! success to your ladyship, and success to 
your honour's honour, this morning of all the days 
in the year : for sure I did not dream last night that 
her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your ho- 
nour gave me a pound of tobacco.' — ' But my good 
woman,' said the general, 'don't you know that 
dreams go by the rule of contrary?' — ' Do they so?' 
rejoined the old woman ; ■ then it must mean, that 
your honour will give me the tea, and her ladyship 
the tobacco.' 

525. — An officer just returned from the West In- 
dies, was invited to dine with Dr. Harvey, at Dub- 



160 JOE Mil LBS. 

lin, where several of the medical tribe were present 
The conversation turned upon tropical climates, and 
the officer whose opinion was asked about that of the 
West Indies, said, * it was an infernal place; and 
that if he had lived there until that day, he would 
have been dead of the yellow fever two years ago/ 
Another of the physicians, without observing the 
bull, gravely added, ' that the climate was certainly 
very unwholesome, and that vast numbers died there.' 
1 Very true/ said Dr. O'Donnel, ' but if you'll tell 
me of any country where people don't die, I will go 
and end ?/>»/ days there.' 

.VJ6.— Of that species of trope in Irish rhetoric 
called a bull, the Irish themselves are decidedly su- 
perior to all the British wits who have attempted to 
coin for them. A Dublin chairman named Darby 
Logan, eminent for this class of composition, kept 
an alehouse in the neighbourhood of Smock-alley 
Theatre, which was a good deal resorted to by all 
the wags of that city. Some of these customers one 
night knocked at his door at a late hour to get in, 
long after the family were gone to rest. After some 
considerable time, Darby opened the door, shivering 
in his shirt, and answered his customers by saying, 
'Blur and ounds, gentlemen, sure I can't let you in, 
don't you iaj thut I'm in \>ed these two hours.' They, 
however, prevailed on the good natured host to ad- 
mit them, and after obtaining some drink, begged 
hard to get some supper. Darby expressed his sor- 
row for not being able to accommodate them, adding, 
that he had bought a very fine quarter of park the 
day before, but that a parcel of blackguard chairmen 
came in the evening while he was out, cut it up into 
mutton ch<rps, and dressed it for their Btippers. 

bt7. — T iik same genius was one evening sent out 
to inquire the play of the night, by a paity of his 
brother chairmen, in cider to toi in some judgment of 
the probable crowd of the theatre, as particularly in- 



JOK MILLER. 161 

teresting to their professional views. Darby went 
forth leaving his friends to indulge in their favourite 
beverage orange ale, while he looked out for the next 
posting bill, and prevailed upon some person he met 
to read the title of the play, which was, Orang Zebe, 
% .r the Great Mogul. Darby returned with great glee 
to his friends, who put the question, ■ Well, Darby, 
what's the play?' — 4 By St. Patrick/ answered Darby, 
4 you have it before you ; 'tis Orange Ale, and the 
Great Mug Full. 1 

5 C 28. — The father of an Irish student seeing his 
son do untowardly, ' Why, Sirrah,* says he, 'did you 
ever see me do so when I was a boy V 

5 l 29. — The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a 
devout catholic, passing one day from her devotions 
at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, 
who are there certainly the best actors in Europe in 
the display of counterfeit misery. Her ladyship's 
notice was particularly attracted by one fellow ap- 
parently more wretched than all the rest, and she 
asked him, ' Pray, my good man, what's the matter 
with you V the fellow, who well knew her simplicity 
and benevolence, answered, ' Oh ! my lady, I'm deaf 
and dumb.' — ' Poor man,' replied the innocent lady, 
* how long have you been so V — ' Ever since I had 
the/a?er last Christmas.' The poor lady presented 
him with a half crown, and went away piously com- 
miserating his misfortunes. 

530. — One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose 
skill the London pavements are so highly indebted, 
was tried at the Old Bailey one day for biting off the 
nose of a Welshman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, 
at their work. — The unfortunate Cambrian appeared 
in court with his noseless countenance, and swore 
the fact against the prisoner ; but Dennis stoutly de- 
nied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian pa- 
viour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness 
with great apparent simplicity, stated, ' That to be 



W2 JOB MILLER. 

sure his gossip and tne other man had a little bit of 
a scrimmage, and both fell together, that the Welsh- 
man made several attempts to bite his gossip's face, 
and at last he made a twist of his mouth, and bit ojf 
his own nose in a mistake.' 

531. — Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a 
party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shan- 
non, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a phy- 
sician, strolled out before dinner into the church- 
yard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not 
returned, some of the company were expressing their 
surprise where he could be gone to. * Oh/ says the 
counsellor, ■ he is but just stept out to pay a visit to 
some of his old patients.' 

532. — Sir John Davis, a Welshman, in the 
reign of King James L, wrote a letter to the king in 
these words : * Most mighty Prince ! the gold mine 
that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to 
be a lead one.' 

533. — An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that 
the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness 
visible, called out lustily, 4 Here, waiter, let me have 
a couple of day cent candles, just that I may see how 
these others bum.' 

534. — A letter received on Friday, 6th of Feb. 
1807 , by a gentleman in the neighbourhood of Brigh- 
ton, from an officer lately restored to liberty from a 
French prison, contains the following anecdote : 
* My confinement in the Temple, with Moreau, Geor- 
ges, Pichegru, and Captain Wright, made me a wit- 
ness of scenes which still haunt my imagination, and 
some day, when we have the happiness to meet over 
a clear fire-side, I'll rouse your indignation by a ee- 
petition of them : the only time I laughed in France, 
was at the relation of an incident which occurred to 
a poor lri>hman, who was one of O'Connor's guides, 
and considered a clever man in the knowledge of 
roads in England. Berthier, minister of war, sent 



JOE MILLER. 163 

for him, and began telling him, that the expedition 
against England would shortly sail, in three divisions, 
one to Dover, and others to places adjacent ; that 
they would act separately, and that the object of 
each would be to reach London as soon as possible, 
when, of course, the country would be conquered : 
" Now," says Berthier, " how would you recommend 
me to go to London from Dover : recollect I wish to 
be there as soon as possible !" — " Och,my dear," says 
1/Leary, u take the mail-coach." Tis needless to 
add, that poor O'Leary was disgraced.' 

535. — When the once celebrated Dr. Shebbeare 
rtas pilloried for a libel, a little ashamed of his ele- 
vation, he hired an Irish chairman to hold an um- 
brella over his head during the painful ceremony, 
and for this service the doctor rewarded him with a 
guinea. Next day, the chairman called upon him, 
and hoped his honour was well — began to hum! and 
ha ! as if he had more to say. The doctor, suspect- 
ing his drift, said, ■ My friend, what do you want? 
I thought I paid you yesterday very handsomely.' — 
1 To be sure, now,' said Pat, ' and so you did for the 
trouble ; but please your honour, consider the dis- 
grace.* 

536. — An Irishman one day found a light guinea 
which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. 
Next day he saw another guinea lying in the street. 
1 No, no,' says he, ■ I'll have nothing to do with you, 
I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.' 

537. — An Irishman maintained in company that 
the sun did not make his revolution round the earth : 
1 But how then,' said one to him, ' is it possible, that 
having reached the west, where he sets, he be seen 
to rise in the east, if he did not pass underneath the 
globe V — * How puzzled you are,' replied this obsti- 
nate ignorant man, ' he returns the same way ; and 
if it be not perceived, it is on account of his coming 
back by night.' 



164 JOH MILLER. 

.538. — Rock, the comedian, when at Covent-Gar- 
den, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met 
with an accident, to the plan of a subscription ; and 
a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, 
which, when he had read it over, he returned. * Why, 
Hock,' says the poor fellow, ' won't you give me 
something]' — 'Zounds, man,' replied the other, 
• didn't 1 give you the hint V 

539. — The celebrated bull of the Irish gentleman 
who abused a woman for having changed him at nurse 
is not original. Sancho Panza makes one perfectly 
similar. ' Pray tell me, squire,' says the duchess, 
■ is not your master the person whose history is print- 
ed under the name of the Sage Hidalgo Don Quixote 
de la ManchaV — 'The very same, my lady,' an- 
swered Sancho, ' and I myself am the very squire of 
his, who is mentioned, or ought to be mentioned, in 
that history, unless they have changed me in the cradle,' 

540. — L)r. Hunter, in his translation of Sonnini's 
Travels in Egypt, informs his readers that ' at Malta, 
the ridges of the houses are fiat terraces ;' that, ' at 
Rosetta, the inhabitants cut the throats of their ducks, 
and in that situation keep them alive with their wings 
broken.' And lastly, that ' the orientals never take 
a walk but on horseback.' 

541. — An Irishman, angling in the rain, was ob- 
served to keep his line under the arch of a bridge, 
upon being asked the reason he gave the following 
answer : ' To be sure, the fishes will be after crowd- 
ing there, in order to keep out of the wet.' 

542. — The very ingenious and amiable Bishop 
Berkeley, of Cloyne in Ireland, was so entirely con- 
tented with his income in that diocese, that when 
offered by the late Earl of Chesterfield (then Lord- 
lieutenant) a bishoprick much more beneficial than 
that he possessed, he declined it with these words : 
' I love my neighbours, and they love me ; why then 
should I begin, in my old days, to form new con- 



JOB MILLER. 155 

nexions, and tear myself from those friends whoso 
kindness is to me the greatest happiness lean enjoy.' 
Acting in this instance like the celebrated Plutarch, 
who being asked, why he resided in his native city, so 
obscure, and so little, 4 I stay in it,' cried he, 4 lest 
it should grow less.' 

543. — A gentleman passing through Holborn, 
lost his watch, and advertised it, with a reward of 
three guineas to the person who would bring it to him. 
Immediately after the appearance of the advertise- 
ment, a tradesman, in the neighbourhood of Holborn 
came to the place to which the finder had been direct 
ed, and gave the following account of his getting the 
watch : — He said, that one evening going to the 
butcher's to buy some meat, the butcher observed a 
watch hanging by the upper button of the skirt of his 
coat, and asked him if he used to carry his watch so 
At that time he knew nothing of the watch being 
there, but remembered passing througu a crowd it 
the street that evening. There is no doubt that, in 
the pressure and scuffle, the ribbon of the watch had 
got entangled on the button. 

544. — A merchant in Jamaica, originally from 
London, having acquired a handsome fortune in that 
island, concluded with himself he could not be happy 
in the enjoyment of it, unless he shared it with a 
woman of merit ; and, knowing no one to his fancy, 
ne resolved to write to a worthy correspondent in 
London. He knew no other style than that he used 
in his trade ; therefore, treating affairs of love as he 
did his business, after giving his friend, in a letter, 
several commissions, and reserving this for the last, 
he went on thus — ' Item, Seeing that I have taken a 
resolution to marry, and that I do not find a suitable 
match for me here, do not fail to send, by next ship 
bound hither, a young woman, of the qualifications 
md form following. As for a portion, I demand none ; 
iet her be of an honest fumily ; between twenty and 



166 JOh MILLER. 

twenty-five years of age ; of a middle stature, and 
well-proportioned ; her face agreeable, her temper 
mild, her character blameless, her health good, and 
her constitution strong enough to bear the change of 
the climate, that there may be no occasion to look 
out for a second, through lack of the first soon after 
she comes to hand, which must be provided against 
as much as possible, considering the great distance, 
and the dangers of the sea. If she arrives, and con- 
ditioned as abovesaid, with the present letter in- 
dorsed by you, or at least an attested copy thereof, 
that there may be no mistake or imposition, I hereby 
oblige and engage myself to satisfy the said letter, by 
marrying the bearer at fifteen days' sight. In wit- 
ness whereof I subscribe this, &c.' 

The London correspondent, who read over and over 
the odd article, which put the future spouse on the 
same footing with a bale of goods, could not help 
admiring the prudent exactness of the merchant, and 
his laconic style, in enumerating the qualifications 
which he insisted on : he, however endeavoured to 
serve him to his mind ; and after many inquiries, 
found a lady fit for his purpose, in a young person of 
a reputable family, but no fortune, of good humour, 
and of a polite education, well-shaped, and more than 
tolerably handsome. He made the proposal to her, 
as his friend had directed; and the young gentle- 
woman, who had no subsistence but from a cross old 
aunt, who gave her a great deal of uneasiness, ac- 
cepted it. A ship bound for Jamaica was then fitting 
out at Bristol ; the gentlewoman went on board the 
same, together with the bales of goods, being well 
provided with all necessaries, and particularly with 
a certificate in due form, and indorsed by the corre- 
spondent. She was also included in the invoice, the 
last article of which ran thus — ' Item, A maid of 
twenty-one years of age, of the quality, shape, and 
conditioned as per order ; as appears by the affida- 



JOK MILLER. 167 

▼its and certificates she has to produce.' The writings 
which were thought necessary to so exact a man as 
the future husband, were an extract of the parish 
register ; a certificate of her character, signed by the 
curate ; an attestation of her neighbours, setting 
forth, that she had, for the space of three years, lived 
with an old aunt, who was intolerably peevish, and 
had not, during all that time, given her said aunt the 
least occasion of complaint ; and, lastly, the goodness 
of her constitution was certified, after consultation, by 
four eminent physicians. Before the gentlewoman's 
departure, the London correspondent sent several let- 
ters of advice, by other ships, to his friend ; whereby 
he informed him, that, pel such a ship, he sent him 
a young woman, of such an age, character, and con- 
dition ; in a word, such as he desired to marry. The 
letters of advice, the bales, and the gentlewoman, 
came safe to the port ; and the merchant, who hap- 

f)ened to be one of the foremost on the pier, at the 
ady's landing, was charmed to see a handsome per- 
son, who, having heard him called by his name, thus 
addressed him — ' Sir, I have a bill of exchange upon 
you ; and you know that it is not usual for people 
to carry a great deal of money about them in such a 
long voyage as I have now made ; I beg the favour 
you will be pleased to pay it.' At the same time she 
gave him his correspondent's letter, on the back of 
which was written, ' The bearer of this is the spouse 
you ordered me to send you.' — ■ Ha, madam !' said 
the merchant, ■ I never yet suffered my bills to be 
protested, and I swear this shall not be the first : I 
shall reckon myself the most fortunate of all men, if 
you will allow me to discharge it.' — ' Yes, Sir,' re- 
plied she ; ■ and the more willingly, since I am ap- 
prised of your character. We had several persons 
of honour on board, who knew you very well ; and 
who, during my passage, have answered all the ques- 
tions I asked them concerning you, in so advanta- 



168 JOE MILLER, 

geous a manner, that they have raised in me a perfect 
esteem for you.' This interview was in a few days 
followed by the nuptials, which were very magnifi- 
cent. The new-married couple were satisfied with 
their happy union, made by a bill of exchange, which 
turned out one of the most fortunate that had hap- 
pened in that island for many years. 

545. — Atti rri'ry, bishop of Rochester, when a 
certain bill was brought into the House of Lords, 
said among o'her things, ' that he prophesied last 
winter this bill would be attempted in the present 
session, and he was sorry to find that he had proved 
a true prophet.' Lord Coningsby, who spoke after 
the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the 
house to remark ■ that his Right Reverend friend had 
set himself forth as a prophet : but for his part he 
did not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to 
that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by 
his own Ass.' The bishop, in a reply, with great wit 
and calmness, exposed this rude attack, concluding 
thus : ' since the noble lord had discovered in our 
manners such a similitude, I am content to be com- 
pared to the prophet Balaam : but, my lords, I am 
at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel : 
where is the Ass ? I am sure I have been reproved 
by nobody but his lordship.' 

546. — A ffw days since, a gentleman in Shrop- 
shire, observed two sailors very busy in lifting an 
ass over the wall of a pound, where it was confined. 
On asking the reason, the tars with true humanity of 
character, made the following reply : — ' Why, lookee, 
master, we saw this here animal aground without 
grub . and so my messmate and I agreed to 

cut his cable, and set him adrift, because we have 
known before now, what it is to be on short allowance.' 

547. — A Q'AKiR and a Baptist travelling in a 
sta^e-coach, the latter took every opportunity of 
ridiculing the former on account of his religious pro- 



JOE MILLER. 169 

fession. At length, they came to a heath, where tha 
body of a malefactor, lately executed, was hanging 
in chains upon a gibbet. ' I wonder now,' said the 
Baptist, * what religion that man was of. — ' Per- 
haps,' replied the Quaker, coldly, ■ he was a Bapth, s 
and they have hung him up to dry.' 

548. — ' Lady Rachel is put to bed,' said Sir 
Boyle to a friend. ■ What has she got V — ' Guess V 
' A boy/ — ■ Xo ; guess again V — ' A girl.' — * Who 
told you V 

549. — One of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked 
him, one day, ' Who was the father of George III. V 
' My darling,' he answered, ■ it was Frederick, Prince 
of Wales, who would have been George III. if he 
had lived.' 

550. — Dean Swift, having a shoulder of mutton, 
too much done, brought up for his dinner, sent for the 
cook, and told her to take the mutton down, and do 
it less. ■ Please your honour, I cannot do it less.' 
1 But,' said the dean, ■ if it had not been done enough, 
you could have done it more, could you not?' — * Oh 
yes, Sir, very easily.' — ■ Why, then,' said the dean, 
' for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be 
such a one as can be mended.' 

551. — The first time that Henderson, the player, 
rehearsed a part at Drury-lane, George Garrick came 
into the boxes, saying, as he entered — ' I only come 
as a Spectator.' Soon after, he made some objection 
to Henderson's playing : and the new actor retorted 
— ' Sir, I thought you were only to be a Spectator ; 
you are turning TatlerS — ■ Never mind him, Sir,' said 
David Garrick, ' never mind him : let him be what 
he will, I will be the Guardian.' 

Sot. — Mr. Addison, though an elegant writer, 
was too diffident of himself, ever to shine as a public 
speaker. At the time of debating tne Union Act, in 
the House of Commons, he rose -w and, addressing 
himself to the speaker, said — « lit fi»aker, I con* 
I 



17U JOE Mil LER. 

ceive' — he could go no farther ; then rising again, 
he said — ' Mr. Speaker, 1 conceive' — still unable to 
proceed, he sat down again. A third time, he arose, 
and was still unable to say any thing more than — 
4 Mr. Speaker, I conceive'— when a certain young 
member, who was possessed of more effrontery and 
volubility, arose, and said — ' Mr. Speaker, I am 
sorry to find, that the honourable gentleman, over 
the way, has conceived three times, and brought forth 
nothing.' 

5 >3. — Two gentlemen, the other day, conveising 
together, one asked the other, if ever he had gone 
through Euclid. The reply was—' I have never 
been farther from Liverpool than Iluncorn, and 1 
don't recollect any place of that name between Li- 
verpool and there.' 

554. — At a court martial on board the Gladiator, 
at Portsmouth, a sailor, who was giving his evidence, 
was asked by the president what religion he was of ? 
He replied — 'Please your honour, I'm a European.' 
This was spoken so mumblingly, owing to a quid of 
tobacco he had in his mouth, that the president, and, 
indeed, most of the court, understood him to say — 
4 I'm of your opinion ;' but upon the question being 
repeated, he again answered — ' I'm a European !' 
The strangeness of this reply convulsed the whole 
court with laughter. 

—Admiral Duncan's address to the officers 
who came on board his ship for instructions, previous 
to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both 
laconic and humorous — ' Gentlemen, you see a se- 
vere winter approaching ; I have only to advise you 
to keep up a goodjire,' 

556. — Si i ob Boai (the sleight of hand man) was 
accosted in the usual style by a retailer of oranges. 
' Well, my lad,' says the sieur, ' how do you sell 
them?' — 'Two-pence a piece, Sir,' quoth the man. 
■ High-priced, indeed,' rejoined the deceiver ; ' how- 



JOE MILLER. 171 

ever, we'll try them.' Cutting an orange into four 
pieces — * Behold/ says the sieur (producing a new 
guinea from the inside of the orange), ' how your 
fruit repays me for your extortion. Come, I can 
afford to purchase one more/ and he repeated the 
same experiment as with the first. * Well, to be 
sure/ says he, ■ they are the first fruit I ever found 
to produce golden seeds.' The sieur then wished to 
come to terms for the whole basket ; but the asto- 
nished clodpole, with joyous alacrity, ran out of the 
house, and reaching home, began to quarter the con- 
tents of the whole basket. But, alas ! the seeds were 
no more than the produce of nature — the conjuror 
alone possessing the golden art. 

557. — A very worthy, though not particularly 
erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's, was conversing one 
day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject 
of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend 
observed, ' Do you know that I shrewdly suspect 
our ship is in jeopardy.'— ' The devil she is/ said he ; 
1 well, I am glad that she has got into some port at 
last.' 

558. —The following riddle is said to be the last 
production of Sheridan's witty pen : ' Sometimes 
with a head, sometimes without a head ; sometimes 
with a tail, sometimes without a tail ; sometimes with 
head and tail, sometimes without either ; and yet 
equally perfect in all situations. Answer — a wig.' 

559. — A few years ago, one David Lloyd, a 
Welshman, who kept an inn at Hereford, had a liv- 
ing sow with six legs ; and the circumstance being 
publicly known, great numbers, of all descriptions, 
resorted to the house. It happened, that David had 
a wife, who was much addicted to drunkenness, and 
for which he used frequently to bestow on her a very 
severe drubbing. One day, in particular, having 
taken a second extra cup, which operated in a very 
powerful manner, and dreading the usual conse- 



173 JOE MILLER. 

3uences, she went into the yard, opened the stye- 
oor, let out the sow, and lay down in its place, 
hoping that a short unmolested nap would suffi- 
ciently dispel the fumes of the liquor. In the mean 
time, however, a company arrived to see the much- 
talked-of animal ; and Davy, proud of his office, 
ushered them to the stye, exclaiming — 'Did any of 
you ever see so uncommon a creature before V — ■ In- 
deed, Davy,' said one of the farmers, 4 1 never before 
observed a sow so very drunk in all my life !' Hence 
the term, drunk as David's sow, 

560. — Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man 
who has not any thing to boast of but his illustrious 
ancestors, is like a potatoe — the only good belong- 
ing to him is under ground. 

561. — Mr. Eyton passing through Speenham- 
land, observed a fellow placed in the stocks. ' My 
friend,' said he, ' I advise you by all means to sell 
out.' — ' I should have no objection, your honour,' 
he replied drily, ' but at present they seem much too 
low.' 

562. — When Brennan, the noted highwayman, 
was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew 
numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, 
who had long been a terror to the country. Among 
others, was a banker, whose notes at that time were 
not held in the highest estimation, who assured the 

f>risoner that he was very glad to see him there at 
ast. Brennan, looking up, replied, ■ Ah ! Sir ! I 
did not expect that from you : for you know, that, 
when all the country refused your notes, I took them.' 
563. — A ladv remarking to a bookseller that she 
had just got Crabbes Tales, and thought them excel- 
lent ; another lady heard the observation with asto- 
nishment, and, on the departure of the speaker, asked 
the bookseller, with a very grave face, * If he could 
tell her how the crab's tails were dressed, as she was 
very desirous of tasting them.' 



JOE MILLER. 173 

564. — A gentleman staying late one night at the 
tavern, his wife sent his servant for him about twelve: 

■ John,' said he, ' go home and tell your mistress, it 
can be no more.' The man returned, by his mis- 
tress's order, again at one, the answer then was, ' it 
could be no less.' — ' But, Sir,' said the man, ■ day 
has broke.' — ' With all my heart,' replied the master, 
* he owes me nothing.' — ■ But the sun is up, Sir.' — 

■ And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? He 
has farther to go than we have, I am sure.* 

565. — Dominico, the harlequin, going to see 
Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of 
partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, 
said, ' Give that dish to Dominico.' — ' And the par- 
tridges too, sire?' Louis, penetrating into the artful- 
ness of the question, replied, ■ and the partridges too.' 
The dish was gold. 

566. — Curious Extract from the Log Book of Thomas 
Parker, who lately died in America, and who was 
an active Naval Officer during the late War. 

1 First part of the voyage* pleasant, with fine 
breezes and free winds — all sail set. Spoke many 
vessels in want of provisions — supplied them freely. 

•Middle passage. — Weather variable — short of 
provisions — spoke several of the above vessels our 
supplies had enabled to refit — made signals of dis- 
tress — they up helm and bore away.f 

1 Latter part. — Boisterous, with contrary winds — 
current of adversity setting hard to leeward — towards 
the end of the passage it cleared up — with the qua- 
drant of honesty had an observation — corrected and 
made up my reckoning — and, after a passage of fifty 
years, came to in Mortality Road, with the calm un- 
ruffled surface of the Ocean of Eternity in view/ 

• Alluding to the early part of his life. 

I Those whom he had formerly befriended, now, 

in his distress, refuse him assistance. 



174 JOE MILLER. 

567. — A Wblbh curate having preached several 
sermons, which were considered superior to his own 
powers of composition, was asked, by a friend, how 
he managed 1 He replied, ' Do you see, I have got 
a volume of sermons by one Tillotson, and a very 
good book it is ; so I translate one of the sermons 
into Welsh, and then back again into English ; after 
which the devil himself would not know it again.' 

568. — George IV., on hearing some one declare 
that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his late life of 
that statesman, observed, ' I won't say that Mr. 
Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly 
attempted his life, 1 

569.— The British sailors had always been accus- 
tomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum 
clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his 
command to mix it with water. Tliis innovation gave 
great offence to the sailors, and, for a time, rendered 
the commander very unpopular among them. The 
admiral, at that time, wore a grogram coat, for 
which reason they nick-named him, ■ Old Grog ;' 
hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained 
them to, universally obtained among them the name 
of Gtfig, 

570 — A foolish stage-struck youth ran away 
from his friends, and got amongst a most low and 
miserable set of strollers. A relation, after a time, 
discovered him just as he was going on the stage in 
King Richard: and, on reading him a pretty severe 
lecture on his folly and disobedience, received an 
• er suitable to all the ridiculous consequence and 
* ned pomp of a mock monarch. To which he 
answered, • These are fine lofty words, but 'tis a 
I pity, Mr. King Richard, that you could not 
afford to buy a better pair of shoes.' The actor, look- 
ing at his toes, which were staring him in the face, 
without losing his vivacity, cried, ' Shoes ! O, Sir, 
shoes are things we kings don't stand upon! !' 



^J MILLER. 175 

5^1*— A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, on 
& sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold ? 
The boy hesitated a little — ' What, sirrah,' said he, 
' cannot you tell V — * Yes, yes,' replied the boy, ■ I 
have it at mujingers' ends.' 

57'2. — While the Eddystone light-house was 
erecting, a French privateer took the men upon the 
lock, together with their tools, and carried them to 
France ; and the captain was in expectation of a re- 
ward for the achievement. While the captives lay 
in prison, the transaction reached the ears of Louis 
XIV. when he immediately ordered them to be re- 
leased, and the captors put in their places — declar- 
ing, that ■ though he was at war with England, he 
was not so with all mankind.' He directed the men 
io be sent back to their work, with presents — ob- 
serving, ' that the Eddystone light-house was so si- 
tuated as to be of equal service to all nations having 
occasion to navigate the channel between England 
and France.' 

573. — A dashing foreman to a tailor in Glasgow, 
having got a holiday to go to see his majesty, and 
dining in a mixed company, wished to impress those 
present with the immense importance of his services 
to his employers. ■ Though I say it, that should not 
say it,' quoth Snip, * if it was not for me our people 
could not carry on their business.' — ' I can very 
well believe you,' said one of the party, ■ I never yet 
heard of a tailor who could carry on his business 
without his goose.' 

574. — Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on business 
till about eighty years of age. He was one of the 
most celebrated characters in this kingdom for punc- 
tuality, and by his methodical conduct, joined to 
uniform diligence, he gradually amassed a large for- 
tune. For a long series of years, the proprietor of 
every inn he frequented in Devon and Cornwall knew 
the day, and the very hour he would arrive. A short 



176 JOE Mill FR. 

time before he died, a gentleman, on a journey in 
Cornwall, stopped at a small inn at Port Isaac to 
dine. The waiter presented him with a bill of fare, 
which he did not approve of; but observing a fine 
duck roasting, ' I '11 have that,' said the traveller. 
• You cannot, Sir,' said the landlord, ' it is for Mr. 
Scott, of Exeter.' — ' I know Mr. Scott very well,' 
rejoined the gentleman, ' he is not in your house.' — 
'True, Sir,' said the landlord, 'but six months ago, 
when he tras here last, he ordered a duck to be ready 
for him this day, precisely at two o'clock ;' and, to the 
astonishment of the traveller, he saw the old gentle- 
man on his Rosinante jogging into the inn yard 
about five minutes before the appointed time. 

575. — A French priest, who had usually a very 
small audience, was one day preaching at the church 
in his village, when, the doors being open, a gander 
and several geese came stalking up the middle aisle. 
The preacher, availing himself of the circumstance, 
observed, that he could no longer find fault with his 
district for non-attendance ; because, though they 
did not come themselves, they sent their representa- 
tives. 

576. — A person who had resided for some time 
on the coast of Africa, was asked if he thought it 
possible to civilize the natives. ' As a proof of the 
possibility of it,' said he, ' I have known some negroes 
that thought as little of a lie or an oath as any Euro- 
pean.' 

A modern writer of travels, records, that in one of 
his peregrinations he traversed a wide extent of un- 
cultivated regions, but at last perceived a gibbet, * the 
sight of which,' says he, ■ gave me infinite pleasure, 
as it proved that I was in a civilized country.' 

577. — One evening at Oxford, Dr. Johnson was 
present at a private party, when, among other topics, 
an essay on the future life of brutes was mentioned, 
and a gentleman present was inclined to support the 



JOK MILLER. 177 

author's opinion, that the lower animals have an 
' immortal part.' He familiarly remarked to the 
doctor — ' Really, Sir, when we see a very sensible 
dog, we don't know what to think of him.' Upon 
which, Johnson, turning quickly round, replied — 
' True, Sir ; and when we see a very foolish fellow, 
we don't know what to think of him.' 

578. — A person who dined in company with Dr. 
Johnson, endeavoured to make his court to him by 
laughing immoderately at every thing he said. The 
Doctor bore it for some time with philosophical in- 
difference ; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becom- 
ing intolerable, ' Pray, Sir,' said the doctor, ' what 
is the matter ? I hope I have not said any thing that 
you can comprehend.' 

579. — An eminent carcase butcher, as meagre in 
his person as he was in his understanding, being one 
day in a bookseller's shop, took up a volume of 
Churchill's poems, and by way of shewing his taste, 
repeated the following line : — 

■ Who rules o'er freemen should himself be free.' 

Then turning to Dr. Johnson — ■ What think you of 
that, Sir?' said he. ' Rank nonsense,' replied the 
other, ' it is an assertion without a proof, and you 
might, with as much propriety, say : — 

* Who slays fat oxen should himself be fat/ 

580. — The following note was written by a book- 
seller in Germany, to one of his authors : — ■ I have 
just received half a dozen lean octavos, which you 
must fatten up to as many quartos, for the Leipsic 
fair. I send you a large quantity of paste, and a new 
pair of scissors.' 

581. — Lately, a lady, bargaining for a haddock 

with a fisherman, inquired when the fish had been 

caught? ' This morning, madam,' said the owner of 

the haddock. ■ You lie,' replied a voice, which 

12 



178 JOB MILLER. 

seemed *o issue from the gills of one of the fish ; 'it 
is three days ago since I was caught, and two days 
since you stole me from Dick Potter ; and I am now 
stinking.' This speech, which had been uttered by 
a celebrated ventriloquist, who at that instant was 
passing by, so amazed the lady, that she retired in 
terror, and closed the hall-door as she withdrew into 
her house, lest the speaking fish might enter with her. 

582. — A witness in the Court of King's Bench, 
being cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, that learned 
gentleman asked him, if he was not a fortune-teller? 
1 1 am not/ answered the witness : ■ but if every one 
had his due, I should have no difficulty in telling 
your fortune.' — ' Well, fellow !' says Mr. Garrow, 
1 pray what is to be my fortune?' — ' Why, Sir,' re- 
joined the witness, ' I understand you made your 
first speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is pro- 
bable that you will there make your last speech.' 

583. — ' Sancho,' said a dying planter to his slave, 
1 for your faithful services, I mean now to do you an 
honour, and I leave it in my will that you shall be 
buried in our family ground ! — 'Ah, massa !' replied 
Sancho, * Sancho no good to be buried ; Sancho 
rather have de money or de freedom ; besides, if de 
devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he 
might mistake, and take de poor Negar man !' 

584. — A gambler, on his death-bed, having seri- 
ously taken leave of his physician, who told him that 
he could not live beyond eight o'clock next morning, 
exerted the small strength he had left to call the 
doctor back ; which having accomplished with diffi- 
culty, for he could hardly exceed a whisper — ' Doc- 
tor,' said he, » I'll bet you five guineas I live till nine.' 

585. — A brandy merchant, who had just received 
intelligence of the failure of a house which stood in- 
debted to him upwards of five hundred pounds for 
'■um and brandy, coming into company, appeared 
somewhat defected, whereupon, one o* the gentlemen 



JOE MILLKR. 179 

present asked him if he was not well — ' O, yes,' re- 
plied another, ' he 's very well, only he has lost his 
spirits ' 

586. — A certain sea captain, who had a consi- 
derable interest with his brother officers, and the cook 
aboard his vessel, were once to be tried for an of- 
fence against the laws of the navy, of such a nature 
as put their lives in some jeopardy. The cook dis- 
played every mark of fear and apprehension for his 
safety. The captain, on the contrary, seemed in very 
good spirits, and said, ' Cheer up, man, why should 
you be cast down ! I fear nothing, and why should 
you?' — ' Why, faith, your honour.' replied the fellow, 
' I should be as courageous as you are, if we were 
to be tried by a jury of cooks.' 

587. — An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun 
near the Seven Dials, and underneath was wrote, A. 
Moon, the man's name who kept it being Aaron 
Moon. The Irishman thinking he had discovered a 
just cause for triumph, roais out to his companion, 
4 Only see, Feilim ! see here ! they talk of the Irish 
bulls ; only do but see now ! here's a fellow puts up 
the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon.* 

588. — Two old ladies, who were known to be of 
the same age, had the same desire to keep the real 
number concealed ; one therefore used always upon 
a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, ' Madam, 
I am come to know how old we are to be this year.' 

589. — When George Alexander Stevens was a 
first actor in the Norwich company, he performed the 
part of Horatio, in the * Fair Penitent.' The Calista 

was a Mrs. B , who had been long the celebrated 

horoine in tragedy, and the lady in high life in co- 
medy. Mrs. B., in her decline, sacrificed too often 
to the intoxicating god. In proportion as the action 
of the play advanced towards a conclusion, by en- 
deavouring to raise her spirits with a cheerful glass, 
she became totally unfit to represent the character. 



100 JOR MILLER. 

In her last scene of Calista, it was so long before 
she died, that George, after giving her several gentle 
hints, cried out, ■ Why don't you die, you fool V 
She retorted, as loud as she could, ' You robbed the 
Bristol mail, you dog !' This spirited dialogue so 
diverted the audience, that much clapping ensued. 
The manager seeing no end of this merry business, 
dropt the curtain, and put an end to the tumult. 

590. The emperor Charles V. having one day lost 
himself in the heat of the chase, and wandered in 
the forest far from his train, after much fatigue in 
trying to find a route, came at last to a solitary hedge 
ale-house, where he entered to refresh himself, On 
coming in, he saw four men, whose mien presaged 
him no good ; he however sat down and called for 
something. These men pretending to sleep, one of 
them rose, and, approaching the emperor, said, he 
had dreamt that he took his hat: and accordingly 
took it off. The second, saying, he had dreamt he 
had taken his coat, took that also. The third, with 
a like prologue, took his waistcoat. And the fourth, 
with much politeness, said, he hoped there would be 
no objection to his feeling his pockets ; and seeing a 
chain of gold about his neck, whence hung his hunt- 
ing-horn, was about to take that too. But the em- 
peror said, ' Stop, my friend, I dare say you cannot 
blow it ; I will teach you.' So putting the horn to 
his mouth, he blew repeatedly, and very loud. His 
people, who searched for him, heard the sound, and, 
entering the cottage, were surprised to see him in 
such a garb. ' Here are four fellows,' said the em- 
peror, ' who have dreamt what they please : I must 
also dream in my turn.' Sitting down, and shutting 
his eyes a little while, he then started up, saying, 'I 
have dreamt that I saw four thieves hanged ;' and 
immediately ordered his dream to be fulfilled, the 
master of the inn being compelled to be their exe- 
cutioner. 



JOE MILLER. 181 

591. — During the reign of James II., when the 
king was much disliked for his oppression, and the 
number of taxes imposed on the people, his majesty, 
in the progress of a tour, stopt at Sudbury, in Suf- 
folk, when the corporation resolved to address him ; 
but, as the mayor did not possess much literature, 
it was settled that the town-clerk should be his 
prompter. Being introduced to the presence, the 
town-clerk whispered to the trembling mayor, ■ Hold 
up your head, and look like a man.' His worship, 
mistaking this for the beginning of a speech, repeated 
aloud to the king, ■ Hold up your head, and look like 
a man. 1 The town-clerk, in amaze, again whispered 
him, ■ What do you mean by this, Sir?' The mayor, 
in the same manner, repeated, ' What do you mean by 
this, Sir V The town-clerk, alarmed, whispered still 
more earnestly, ' I tell you, Sir, you'll ruin us all/ 
The mayor, still imagining this to be part of his 
speech, concluded his matchless performance with, 
* / tell you, Sir, you 11 ruin us a//.' 

5^2 — That sort of rhetoric is best which is most 
reasonable and catching. An instance we have in that 
old commander at Cadiz, who proved a good orator. 
Being to say something to his soldiers (which he was 
not used to do), he made them a speech to this pur- 
pose : 'What a shame would it be, you English- 
men, that feed upon good beef and beer, to let those 
rascally Spaniards beat you, that eat nothing but 
oranges and lemons.' And thus he put more courage 
into his men than he could have done by a learned 
oration. 

598. — A poor woman, understanding that Dr. 
Goldsmith was a physician, and hearing of his great 
humanity, solicited him, by letter, to send her some- 
thing for her husband, who had lost his appetite, and 
was reduced to a most melancholy state. The good- 
natured poet waited on her instantly, and, after some 
discoiwse with Ms patient, found him sinking with 



182 JOE MILLER. 

sickness and poverty. The doctor told the honest 
pair that they should hear from him in an hour, 
when he would send him some pills, which he be- 
lieved would prove efficacious. He immediately went 
home, and put ten guineas into a chip-box, with the 
following label : ' These must be used as necessities 
require : be patient, and of good heart.' He sent 
his servant with this prescription to the comfortless 
mourner, who found it contained a remedy superior 
to any thing Galen, or his disciples, could ever ad- 
minister. 

594. — ' What have you got to say, old Bacon- 
face?' said a counsellor to a farmer, at a late Cam- 
bridge Assizes. ■ Why,' answered the farmer, ' I 
am thinking my Bacon-face and your Calfs-head 
would make a very good dish !' 

595 — Thi late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, 
Esq. of Acton Place, who was reputed to be the 
richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, 
was applied to by one of his tenants, then in the 
80th year of his age, to renew his lease for a further 
term of 14 years, when, after some general observa- 
tions, Mr. Jennings coolly said, ' Take a lease for c 2\ 
years, or you wilt be troubling me again V and this 
was accordingly granted. 

596. — The Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a 
village near London, who advertised that he intended 
to keep a Sunday school twice a week, Tuesday and 
Thursday, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place 
in the west, who declared, on his election, that he 
was resolved to hold his quarter-sessions monthly, 

597. — An'ho Gi mm i.e, was called the ' King of 
the beggars,' and was very fond of playing off little 
jeux d'esprits of his own formation. Once, as a priest 
was going to his church, he espied An'ro on the road, 
seemingly in the most profound meditation, ponder- 
ing deeply, ' with leaden eye that loves the ground,' 
on something lying in the way, and stepping seriously 



JCE MILLER. 183 

round it. The clergyman came up, and said — 
* Well, An'ro, what's this that seems to be puzzling 
you so? For my part, I see nothing but a horse-shoe 
on the road.' — * Dear me,' returned the Gaberlun- 
zie, with uplifted hands, • what disna that lair do — 
I ha'e glour'd at that shoe now the best part o' hauf 
an hour, and deil take me gif I cud say whether it 
was a horse-shoe or a mare-shoe.' This is Walter 
Scott's Eddie Ochiltree. 

598. — The late General Scott, so celebrated for 
his success in gaming, was one evening playing very 
deep with the Count D'Artois and the Duke de 
Chartres, at Paris, when a petition was brought up 
from the widow of a French officer, stating her va- 
rious misfortunes, and praying relief, a plate was 
handed round, and each person put in one, two, or 
three louisd'ors ; but when it was held to the general, 
who was going to throw for a stake of jOO louis d'ors, 
he said — ' Stop a moment, if you please, Sir, here 
goes for the widow !' The throw was successful, and 
he instantly swept the whole into the plate, and sent 
it down to the astonished petitioner. 

599. — A Philadelphia paper relates the follow- 
ing laughable occurrence : — A prisoner, at the bar 
at the Mayor's Court, in that city, being called on 
to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by 
the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man im- 
mediately held up his left hand. • Hold up your 
right hand,' said the clerk. * Please your honour,' 
said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, ■ I am 
left handed.' 

600. — Soon after Lord Kenyon was appointed 
Master of the Rolls, he was listening very attentively 
to a young clerk, who, reading to him, before a 
number of gentlemen of the long robe, the convey- 
ances of an estate, and on coming to the word enough, 
pronounced it enow. His lordship immediately in- 
terrupted him—' Hold ! hold! you must stawl cor- 



184 JOE MILLER. 

rected ; enough is, according to the vernacular cus- 
tom, pronounced enuff, and so must all other Eng- 
lish words, which terminate in ough, as, for example, 
tough, rough, cough, &c.' The clerk bowed, blushed, 
and went on for some time ; when coming to the 
word plough, he, with a loud voice, and a penetrating 
look at his honour, called it pluff! The great lawyer 
stroked his chin, and, with a smile, candidly said — 
1 Young man, I sit corrected, 1 

601. — In the year 1797, when democratic notions 
ran high, it may be remembered that the king's coach 
was attacked as his majesty was going to the House 
of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, on that occasion, 
was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob. Soon 
after, to his no small surprise, he received a message 
from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, 
and met with a gracious reception from thermit wan, 
who, after prefacing a few encomiums on his active 
loyalty, desired him to point out any way in which 
he would wish to be advanced, his majesty having 
particularly noticed his courageous conduct, and 
being desirous to reward it. Pat scratched and 
scraped for a while, half thunderstruck — ■ The devil 
take me if I know what I'm fit for.' — ' Nay, my good 
fellow,' cried Harry, 'think a moment, and dinna 
throw yoursel out o' the way o' fortun.' Pat hesi- 
tated a moment, smirking as if some odd idea had 
strayed into his noddle — 4 I'll tell you what, mister, 
make a Scotchman of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll 
be no fear of my getting on.' The minister gazed awhile 
at the mat apropos wit — ' Make a Scotchman of you, 
Sir, that's impossible, for I can't give you prudence. 1 

602. — Dr. BoKVXYf who wrote the celebrated 
anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the 
• , 'Honor est a Nilo' f Horatio Nelson), was 
shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful 
villa at Merton. From his usual absence of mind, 
he neglected to put a night-cap into his portmanteau, 



JOE MILLER. 185 

and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. 
Previously to his retiring to rest, he sat down to 
study, as was his common practice, having first put 
on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding 
it in flames ; he immediately collected the burnt 
remains, and returned them, with the following 
lines: — 

Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, 
I would not retain it a minute ; 

What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire, 
Is sure to be instantly in it. 

603. — The celebrated Dr. Ward, was not more 
remarkable for his humanity and skill, than wit and 
humour. An old woman, 10 whom he had adminis- 
tered some medicines proper for a disorder under 
which she laboured, applied to him, with a com- 
plaint that she had not experienced any kind of ef- 
fect from taking them. ' No effect at all V says the 
doctor. * None in the least,' replies the woman. 
' Why then you should have taken a bumping glass 
of gin.' — ' So I did, Sir.' — 'Well, but when you found 
that not succeed, you should have taken another.' — 
4 So I did, Sir, and another after that.' — ' Oh, you 
did,' says the doctor ; ' aye, it is just as I imagined ; 
you complain that you found no effect in my pre- 
scription, after you confess yourself, that you swal- 
lowed gin enough to counteract any medicine in the 
whole system of physic.' 

604. — A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, 
in order to take them to the Paris Observatory, where 
the celebrated Cassini was to observe an eclipse of 
the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed 
by the toilet ; and the eclipse was over when the 

Eetit-maitre appeared at the door. He was informed 
e had come too late, and that all was past. ■ Never 
mind, ladies,' said he, ' step up ; Monsieur Cassini is 
a particular friend of mine ; he will be so obliging 
as to begin again for me.' 



186 JOE MILLER. 

605. — Some time ago Mr. , a most respect- 
able tradesman of Birmingham, discovered that his 
son, a boy of five years of age, was accustomed to ask. 
those gentlemen who came to his house to give him 
money, and immediately extorted a promise from him, 
under a threat of correction, that he would not do so 

any more. The next day Mr. , his father's 

partner, called, and the boy evaded a breach of his 
promise, by saying, ' Friend F. do thee know any 
who would lend me a penny, and not require it of 
me again V 

606. — A stupid person one day seeing a man of 
learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said — 
4 So, Sir, philosophers I see can indulge in the great- 
est delicacies.' — ■ Why not,' replied the other, 'do 
you think providence intended all the good things for 
the ignorant V 

607. — A girl forced by her parents into a dis- 
agreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, 
when the clergyman came to that part of the service 
where the bride is asked if she consents to take the 
bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simpli- 
city — ' Oh dear, no, Sir ; but you are the first per- 
son who has asked my opinion about the matter.' 

608. — It was said of a great calumniator, and a 
frequenter of other persons' tables, that he never 
opened his mouth but at another man's expense. 

609. — A fire happening, not long since, at a 
public house, a man passing at the time entreated one 
of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular 
door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shil- 
ling. The fireman consequently complied, upon 
which the arch rogue exclaimed — ■ You've clone 
what 1 never could do— for, egad, you've liquidated 
my score /' 

610. — Soon after the conclusion of the French war 
in Queen Elizabeth's time, a young pert officer, who 
had been but lately enlisted in the service, came to 



JOB .!/LLLK. 187 

the ordinary at the Black Horse Inn, Holborn, where 
Major Johnston, a brave, rough, old Scotch officer, 
and one that feared the Lord, usually dined. The 
young gentleman, while at dinner, was venting some 
Yew tangled notions, and speaking, in the gaiety 01 
nis humour, against the dispensations of Providence, 
when the major, at first, only desired him to speak 
more respectfully of One for whom all the company 
had an honour ; but finding him run on in his extra- 
vagance, began to reprimand him in a more serious 
manner. ' Young man,' said he, ' do not abuse your 
benefactor whilst you are eating his bread. Consider 
whose air you breathe, \%hose presence you are in, 
and who it is that gave you the power of that very 
speech which you make use of to his dishonour.' 
The young fellow, who thought to turn matters into 
a je>t, asked him if he was going to preach ; but at 
the same time desired him to take care what he said 
when he spoke to a man of honour. ' A man of 
honour,' said the major, ' thou art an infidel and a 
blasphemer, and I shall use thee as such.' In short, 
the quarrel ran so high, ihat the young officer chal- 
lenged the major. Upon their coming into the gar- 
den, the old fellow advised his antagonist to consider 
die place into which one pass might plunge him ; 
but on finding him to grow upon him to a degree of 
scurrility, as believing the advice proceeded from 
fear — ■ Sirrah,' said he, * if a thunderbolt does not 
strike thee dead before I come at thee, 1 shall not fail 
to chastise thee for thy profaneness to thy Maker, 
and thy sauciness to his servant.' Upon this he drew 
his sword, and cried out with a loud voice — ' The 
sword of the Lord and of Gideon !' which so terrified 
his antagonist, that he was immediately disarmed, 
and thrown upon his knees. In this posture he 
begged his life, but the major refused to giant it, be- 
fore he asked pardon in a short extemporary prayer, 
which the old gentleman dictated upon the spot, and 



188 JOE MILLER. 

which his proselyte repeated to him in the presence 
of the whole ordinary that were then gathered about 
them in the garden, to their no small diversion. 

611. — Munden, when confined to his bed by the 
gout, and unable to put his feet to the ground, being 
told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was 
the laugh of the Green room, pleasantly replied — 
'Though I love to laugh, and make others laugh, 
yet I would much rather they would make me a stand- 
ing joke.' 

612. — It is well known that the veterans who pre- 
side at the examinations of surgeons, question mi- 
nutely those who wish to become qualified. After 
answering very satisfactorily to the numerous in- 
quiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he 
wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration what 
he would prescribe. lie mentioned many diaphoric 
medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful 
questioner thus continued — ' Pray, Sir, suppose none 
of those succeeded, what step would you take next 1" 
1 Why, Sir,' enjoined the enraged and harassed young 
Esculapius, ' 1 would send him here to be examined j 
and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know 
what would.' 

613. — A learned doctor being very busy in his 
study, a little girl came to ask him for some fire. 
■ But,' says the doctor, ' you have nothing to take it 
in.' As he was going to fetch something for that 
purpose, the little girl stooped down at the fire place, 
and taking some cold ashes in one hand, she put 
live embers on them with the other. The astonished 
doctor threw down his books, saying — ' With all my 
learning, I should never have found out that expe- 
dient.' 

614. — The late LordClonmel, who never thought 
of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, 
used to be well satisfied, provided it was a good one. 
In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, 



JOE MILLER. 169 

and he used the following extraordinary precaution 
to avoid being imposed upon, by taking a bad one — 
1 You shall true answer make to such questions as 
shall be demanded of you, touching this affidavit, so 
help you God ! Kiss the book. — Is this a good shii- 
ling ? Are the contents of this affidavit true 1 Is this 
your name and hand-writing V 

615. — A chimney sweeper's boy went into a baker's 
shop for a two-penny loaf, and conceiving it to be 
diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did 
not believe it was weight. ' Never mind that,' said 
the man of dough, ' you will have the less to carry.* 
* True,' replied the lad, and throwing three half-pence 
on the counter left the shop. The baker called after 
him that he had not left money enough. ' Never 
mind that,' said young sooty, * you will have the less 
to count.' 

616. — When Mr. Sheridan first stood for Stafford, 
he made abundant promises to procure places for 
such electors as would vote for him j and, wonderful 
to relate ! he kept his word, for numbers of them 
were appointed to offices in Drury-lane theatre and 
the opera-house. By this munificence he gained his 
election ; but in a very short time he found opportu- 
nities to oblige new friends, most of the others being 
obliged to relinguish their situations from receiving 
no pay. 

617. — The late Duke of Devonshire, who used to 
leave Brookes's, regularly, at a very late hour, in 
passing by the stall of a cobbler at the end of Jermyn- 
street, in his way home, always wished the cobbler a 
1 good night ;' which the cobbler as regularly returned 
by wishing his grace a ■ good morning !' 

618. — Lord KAMESused to relate a story of a man, 
who claimed the honour of his acquaintance on ra- 
ther singular grounds. His lordship, when one of 
the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit 
to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. 



190 JOB MILLFR. 

The next morning walking towards the ferry, but 
apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a mao 
whom he met to conduct him. The other answered, 
with much cordiality — ■ That I will do with all my 
heart, my lord ; does not your lordship remember 
me ? My name 's John ; I have had the ho- 
nour to be before your lordship for stealing sheep !' 
— ■ Oh, John, I remember you well ; and how is your 
wife 1 she had the honour to be before me too, fot 
receiving them, knowing them to be stolen.' — ' At 
your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we 
got off for want of evidence ; and I am still going on 
in the butcher trade.' — ' Then,' replied his lordship, 
* we may have the honour of meeting again.' 

619. — A fortune-teller was arrested at his 
theatre of divination, alfreseo, at the corner of the 
Rue de Bussy, in Paris, and carried before the tri- 
bunal of correctional police. ' You know how to 
read the future V said the president, a man of great 
wit, but too fond of a joke for a magistrate. * I do, 
M. le President,' replied the sorcerer. ' In this case,' 
said the judge, ' you know the judgment we intend 
to pronounce V — ' Certainly.' — 'Well, what will hap- 
pen to you?' — 'Nothing.' — 'You are sure of it?' — 
' You will acquit me.' — ' Acquit you V — ' There is 
no doubt of it.' — ' Why?' — ' Because, Sir, if it had 
been your intention to condemn me, you would not 
have added irony to misfortune.' The president, dis- 
concerted, turned to his brother judges, and the sor- 
cerer was acquitted. 

620. — Some time ago, as a lady, who possessed 
peat personal charms, was walking along a narrow 
lane, she perceived just behind her a hawker of 
earthenware driving an ass with two panniers laden 
with his stock in trade. To give the animal and his 
master room to pass, the lady suddenly started aside, 
which so frightened the poor animal that he ran away, 
but had not proceeded far when he unfortunately fell, 



JOB MILLER. 191 

aud a gTeat part of the crockery was broken to pieces. 
The lady in her turn became alarmed, lest, when 
she came up to the man, he should load her with 
abuse, if not offer to insult her ; but, to her surprise, 
when she arrived at the spot, the man, with great good 
humour, gallantry, and wit, exclaimed — 'Nevermind, 
madam, Balaam's ass was frightened by an angel !* 

621. — One morning a party came into the public 
rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and re- 
quested some tongue They were told that Lord 
Byron had eaten it all. ' I am very angry with his 
lordship,' said a lady, loud enough for him to hear 
the observation. ' I am sorry for it, madam,' retorted 
Lord Byron, * but before I ate the tongue, I was as- 
sured v«'" did not want it.' 

6 C 22. — Mr. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet dinner 
on the energy and beauty of the Latin language. 
In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to 
have over the English, he asserted, that two nega- 
tives made a thing more positive than one affirmative 
possibjy could. ' Then,' said Thurlow, ' your father 
and mother must have been two complete negatives, 
to make such a positive fellow as you are.' 

6 23. — It was with as much delicacy as satire, that 
Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, 
the answer, ■ That it would be read, when Homer and 
Virgil were forgotten, but not till then.' 

6 C 24. — Sherid an inquiring of his son what side of 
politics he should espouse on his inauguration to 
St. Stephen's chapel ; the son replied, that he in- 
tended to vote for those who offered best, and that in 
consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, 
■ To let ;' to which the facetious critic rejoined, ■ I 
suppose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished.' 

625. — On Mr. H. Erskine's receiving his appoint- 
ment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scot- 
land he exclaimed that he must go and order his silk 
robe. ' Never mind,' said Mr. Dundas, ' for the short 



192 JOE MILLF.R. 

time you will want it you had better borrow mine V 
— ■ No !' replied Erskine, * how short a time soever I 
may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career 
by adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.' 

626. — Lord B who sports a ferocious pair of 

whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connel in Dublin, the hitter 
said, 4 When do you mean to place your whiskers 
on the peace establishment V — ' When you place your 
tongue on the civil list /' was the witty rejoinder. 

627. — A mi end made Garrick a present of a case 
that contained a razor, a strap, and a shaving box ; 
and telling him that he would find some other pretty 
little things in it. * I hope,' said Garrick, ' as I 
cannot shave myself, that one of them is a pretty little 
barber.' 

628. — David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. 
Rigby's seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough 
formed one of the party. Observing the potent ap- 
petite of the learned Doctor, Garrick indulged in 
some coarse jests on the occasion, to the great amuse- 
ment of the company, the Doctor excepted ; who, 
when the laugh had subsided, thus addresse'd the 
party : ■ Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose 
from the extreme familiarity with which Mr. Garrick 
has thought fit to treat me, that I am an acquaintance 
of his ; but I can assure you, that, till I met him here, 
I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five 
shillings for the si^ht.' Koscius was silent 

late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably ' 
fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he con- 
sulted Foote as to what character he should appear 
in. ' Don't go disguised,' said Foote, ' but assume 
a new chin vtbtrJ 

6:30. — As Burke was declaiming with great anima- 
tion against Hastings, he was interrupted by little 
or Scott. 'Am I,' said he, indignantly, ' to be 
teazed by the barking of this jackal, while I am at 
tacking the royal tiger of Bengal.' 



JOE MILLER. 193 

631. — There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran 
to a remark of lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at 
one of his legal positions, ■ O ! if that be law, Mr. 
Curran, I may burn my law books !' — * Better read 
them, my lord,' was the sarcastic and appropriate re- 
joinder. 

6J i J.-- Dew Swift, among other eccentricities, 
determined upon having a feast once a year, in imi- 
tation of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. In this 
project he engaged several persons of rank, and his 
plan was put in execution at the deanery-house. 
When all the servants were seated, and every gen- 
tleman placed behind his own servant, the Dean's 
footman, who presided, found fault with some meat 
which was not done 10 his taste ; and imitating his 
master on such occasions, threw it at him. But the 
Dean was either so mortified by the reproof, or so 
provoked at the insult, that he flew into a violent 
passion, beat the fellow, and dispersed the whole 
a->embly. — Thus abruptly ten; ,e Dean's 

Saturnalia. 

600. — A gentleman, at whose house Swift was 
dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced remarkably 
small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift 
addressed him, — ' Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take 
a glass of hie, haBC, hoc, with you.' — ■ Sir,' rejoined 
the Doctor, ' I shall be happy to comply, but it must 
be out of a hujus glass.' 

634. — Dean Swiff having preached an assize ser- 
mon in Ireland, was invited to dine with the judges: 
ind having in his sermon considered the use and 
abuse of the law, he then pressed a little hard upon 
those counsellors, who plead causes, which they knew 
in their consciences to be wrong. When dinner was 
over, and the glass began to go round, a young bar- 
rister retorted upon the dean ; and after several al- 
tercations, the counsellor asked him, 'If the devil 
were to die, whether a parson might not be found, who, 



J94 JOF MILLLIl. 

for money, would preach his funeral sermon I'— 

* Yes,' said Swift. 'I would gladly be the man, and I 
would then give the devil his due, as I have this day 
done his children.' 

635. — Swift greatly admired the talents of the 
late Duke of Wharton: and hearing him. one day, 
recount many of his frolics, ' Ah, my lord,' said he, 

* you have had many frolics: but let me recommeud 
one more to you, Take a frolic to be virtuous. — I as- 
sure you it will do you more honour than all the rest.' 

636. — A dispvtf happening to turn upon the ori- 
gin of whiggism, Dr. Johnson triumphantly chal- 
lenged Dr. Crowe to tell him who was the first whig • 
the latter finding himself a little puzzled, Johnson 
tauntingly rejoined. ' 1 see, Sir, that you are even ig- 
norant of the head of your own party, but I will tell 
you, Sir ; the devil was the first whig ; he was the 
first reformer : he wanted to set up a reform even in 
heaven!' Dr. Crowe calmly replied, 'I am much 
obliged to you for your information, and I certainly 
did not foresee that you would go so far back for 
your authoiity.' 

-Dr. Rohfrtson observed, that Johnson's 
jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, described in 
scripture as being like excellent oil. ' Yes,' exclaim- 
ed Burke, ' oil of vitriol !' 

— Fooi i being in company, and the ' Tuscan 
grape' producing more riot than concord, he observed 

gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the 
bottle at his antagonist's head, upon which, catching 
the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of 
the company, by observing that ' if the bottle was 
quickly, not one of them would be able to 
stand out the evening.' 

6.59. — When the repeal of the Test Act was agi- 
tated in the house, a deputation from the Dissenters 

• d on 1 ord Thurlow to solicit his vote, he lis- 
tened to a long harangue with much patience ; when 



JOE MILIF.R. 195 

♦t was finished, he rose up, and addressed them, — 
* Gentlemen, you have called on me to request my 
vote for the repeal of the Test Act. Gentlemen, I 
shall not vote for the repeal of the Test Act. I care 
not whether your religion has the ascendancy, or 
mine, or any, or none; but this I know, that when 
you were uppermost, you kept ?<* down, and now that 
tre are uppermost, with God's help, we will keep you 
down.' 

640. — Mr. Rogers was requested by T.adv Hol- 
land to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the 
author of Junius, The poet approached the knight, 
1 Will you, Sir Philip, — will your kindness excuse 
my addressing to you a single question V — ■ At your 
peril, Sir!' was the harsh and the laconic answer. 
The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who 
eagerly asked him the result of his application. * I 
don't know,' he answered, ' whether he is Junius ; 
but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.' 

641 . — On the Duke of York's horse Moses winning 
a match at Ascot, his royal highness appeared to look 
very thoughtful. A spectator asked Mr. Hunt, who 
happened to be present, what he supposed the royal 
sportsman could then be pondering on ? ' Why, you 
know,' replied Mr. H. ■ that the duke is a bishop, and 
he is doubtless thinking of Moses and the profits.' 

6\ < H. — A Corsica n, the leader of a gang of ban- 
ditti, who had long been famous for his exploits, was 
at length taken, and committed to the care of a sol- 
dier, from whom he contrived to escape. The soldier 
was tried, and condemned to death. At the place of 
execution, a man, coming up to the commanding of- 
ficer, said — 'Sir, I am a stranger to you, but you 
shall soon know who I am ; I have heard that one 
of your soldiers is to die for having suffered a prisoner 
to escape — he was not at all to blame — besides, the 
prisoner shall be restored to you. Behold him here, 
I am the man. I cannot bear that an innocent mau 



196 J0£ MILLER. 

should be punished for me, and I am come to die my- 
self ' — ' No,' cried the French officer, who felt as he 
ought the sublimity of the action, ' thou shalt not 
die, and the soldier shall be set at liberty. Endea- 
vour to reap the fruits of thy generosity ; thou de- 
servest to be henceforth an honest man.' 

643. — Whiston was a pensioner of Queen Caro- 
line, who sometimes admitted him to the honour of 
her conversation, and paid the pension with her own 
hands. One day, she said to him — * Mr. Whiston, 
I understand you are a free speaker, and honestly 
tell people of their faults ; no one is without faults, 
and I wish you would tell me of mine :' and she 
pressed him to do so. He was still upon the reserve ; 
she pressed him the more. ■ Well,' said he, ' since 
your majesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There 
are abundance of people who come out of the coun« 
try, every spring, to London, and they naturally de- 
sire to see the king and queen, and have not any op- 
portunity of seeing your majesties so conveniently as 
at the Chapel Royal ; but these country folks, who 
are not used to such things, when they see your ma- 
jesty talking with the king almost all the time of 
divine service, are perfectly astonished, and depart, 
with strange impressions, into their respective coun- 
tries, and make their reports there (let me tell you) 
not at all to your majesty's honour.' — ■ I am sorry for 
it,' answered the queen ; ■ I believe there may be 
too much truth in what you say ; but pray, Mr. Whis- 
ton, tell me of another fault.' — ' No, madam,' said 
he, * one at a time ; let me see you mend of this be- 
fore I tell you of another.' 

644. — The haughty Solyman, Emperor of the 
Turks, in his attack on Hungary, took the city of 
Belgrade, which was considered as the bulwark of 
Christendom. After this important conquest, a wo- 
man of low rank approached him, and complained 
bitterly, that some ot his soldiers had carried off her 



JOE MIL! ER. 197 

cattle, in which consisted her sole wealth. ' You 
must then have been in a deep sleep,' said Solyman, 
smiling, ' if you did not hear the robbers.' — 4 Yes, 
my sovereign,' replied the woman, ' 1 did sleep 
soundly, but it was in the fullest confidence that 
your highness watched for the public safety.' The 
emperor, who had an elevated mind, far from resent- 
ing this freedom, made the poor woman ample amends 
for the loss she had sustained. 

645. — In a country news-room, the following no- 
tice is written over the chimney : — 4 Gentlemen learn- 
ing to spell are requested to use yesterday's pa; 

646. — About the year 176 L 2. a colonel in command 
in the West-Indies, was ordered to disembark his 
corps for the attack of one of the islands. In step- 
ping into a boat, he fell overboard, and the current 
was carrying him rapidly from the ship, when an ho- 
nest tar jumped after him, kept him afloat till a boat 
was despatched to his assistance, and put him on board 
again in safety. One of Jack's messmates, having 
observed the colonel put something into the hands of 
his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaimed — 
• Damme, Jack, you're in luck to day, aye !' and 
eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share 
in a can of grog ; but, on discovering the generous 
reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whis- 
pered his messmate — 4 Never mind, Jack, every man 
knows the value of his life best.' 

647. — A West-Indian, who had a remarkably 
fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who 
was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering about 
his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, 
and at last saw him alight upon his master's nose, 
and immediately fly off again. — 'Ah!' exclaimed 
the negro, ' me glad to see you burn your foot.* 

648. — In the early period of the history of Metho- 
dism, some of Mr. Wesley's opponents, in the excess 
of their zeal against enthusiasm took up a whole 



1'8 JOE MILLER. 

waggon load of methodists, and carried them before 
a magistrate. When they were asked, what these 

{>ersons had done, there was an awkward silence ; at 
ast, one of the accusers said — ' Why, they pretended 
to be better than other people ; and besides, they 
prayed from morning till night.' The magistrate 
asked if they had done any thing else. ■ Yes, Sir,' 
said an old man, ' an't please your worship, they 
convarted my wife ; till she went among them, she 
had such a tongue, and now she is as quiet as a lamb.' 
— ' Carry them back,' said the magistrate, ' and iet 
them convert all the scolds in the town.' 

649. — When Admiral Haddock was dying, he call- 
ed his son, and thus addressed him — 4 Considering 
my rank in life, and public services for so many 
years, I shall leave you but a small fortune ; but, my 
boy, it is honestly got, and will wear well ; there 
are no seamen's wages or provisions, nor one single 
penny of pinch-gut money in it.' 

650. — Sir Andrew Aonf.w, a Scotch baronet, was 
famous heretofore for giving broad hints. The na- 
ture of them will be best ascertained by the following 
anecdote. Sir Andrew having for some time been 
pestered by an impudent and impertinent intruder, 
it was one day remarked to the baronet, by a friend, 
that this man no longer appeared in his company, 
and asked how he contrived to get rid of him. ' In 
troth,' said the baronet, ' I was obliged to give the 
chteld a hrtmd hint.' — 'A broad hint,' replied the 
friend, * I thought he was one of those wno could 
not take a hint.' — ' By my faith, but he was forced 
to take it,' answered Sir Andrew, 4 for, as the fellow 
would not gang out of the door, I threw him out of 
the window.' 

6M. — A Russian officer, named Valensky, who 

had a command in the Persian expedition, had once 

I beaten by the Emperor Peter's order, mistaking 

»im for another. * Well,' says Peter, ' 1 am sorry 



JOE MILLER. 199 

for it, but you will deserve it one day or other, and 
then remind me that you are in arrears with me ;' 
which accordingly happened upon that very expedi- 
tion, and he was excused. 

65'2. — A healthy old gentleman was once asked 
by the king, what physician and apothecary he made 
use of to look so well at his time of life — ' Sire,' re- 
plied the gentleman, ■ my physician has always been 
a horse, and my apothecary an 

653. — A gentleman at Paris amusing himself in 
the gallery of the Palais Royal, observed, while 
he was carelessly looking over some pamphlets at a 
bookseller's shop, a suspicious fellow stand rather 
too near him. The gentleman was dressed, accord- 
ing to the fashion of the times, in a coat with a pro- 
digious number of silver tags and tassels, upon which 
the thief began to have a design ; and the gentleman, 
not willing to disappoint him, turned his head another 
way, to give him an opportunity. The thief imme- 
diately set to work, and, in a trice, twisted off seven 
or eight of the silver tags. The gentleman perceived 
it ; and, drawing out a penknife, caught the fellow 
by the ear and cut it off close to his head. ' Murder ! 
murder !' cries the thief. ' Robbery ! robbery !' cries 
the gentleman. Upon this the thief, in a passion, 
throwing them at the gentleman, roared — 'There are 
your tags and buttons.' — ' Very well,' says the gen- 
tleman, throwing it back in the like manner, ' there 
is your ear.' 

654. — When Earl Spencer was a boy, he called 
at an inn at St. Albans, where he had frequently 
stopped, and observing that the landlord looked 
unusually dejected, asked him the cause. After 
some hesitation, the landlord said, ' That affairs 
ran cross, his creditors w^ere severe, and he should 
be soon obliged to shut up his house.' — ' That is a 
pity,' said the young nobleman ; ' how much money 
will be required to reinstate you V — ' Oh, your ho 



200 JOt MILLER. 

nour, a great sum ; not less than a thousand pounds.' 
— ■ And would that sum perfectly answer the pur- 
pose V — ' It would, Sir ; and I would honestly repay 
any gentleman who would be generous enough to 
advance it/ Young Spencer said no more, but or- 
dering his horses to his carriage, posted back to Lon- 
don, and going instantly to his guardian, told him 
he wanted a thousand pounds. ' A thousand pounds, 
Sir !' said the guardian, ' it is a large sum. May I 
ask to what purpose it is to be applied V — ' No pur- 
pose of extravagance, upon my honour, but I will 
not tell you to what use it is to be destined. ' The 
guardian refused to advance the cash. The young 
gentleman hurried to his relations, and made his com- 
plaint ; a consultation was held, and it was at length 
agreed to let him have the money, without demand- 
ing the mode in which he intended to dispose of it. 
He carried it immediately to the distressed landlord, 
whose business was conducted with fresh vigour, and 
his inn has been since one of the most capital in 
England. 

655. — Lord Nelson and Mr. Pitt could never 
agree. It was told Nelson, that Pitt said — ' He was 
the greatest fool he ever knew when on shore.' — ' Jle 
speaks truth,' said the hero, ' and I would soon prove 
him to be a fool if I had him on board of ship ; 
nevertheless, I am as clever an admiral as he is a 
statesman, which is saying a great deal for myself.' 
He disliked the man, but honoured his great talents. 

656. — A sailor, who had not seen the inside of a 
church for some time, Ftrolled into that of Portlock, 
in Somersetshire, just as the minister ascended the 
pulpit, who gave out for his text, ' Wilt thou go 
with me to Ilamoth Gilead, to battle?' which being 
twice repeated, the tar, with some warmth, rose up, 
and exclaimed — ' What, do none of you answer the 
gentleman ? For my part, if nobody else will go, 
I'll go with him myself, with all my heart.' 



JOE MILLFR. 201 

657. — About the time when Murphy so success- 
fully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant 
farce of * The Apprentice,' an eminent poulterer 
went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, 
who, he understood, was that evening to make his 
debut in Lear, and entered the room at the moment 
he was exclaiming — ' I am the king ; you cannot 
touch me for coining.' — ' No, you dog,' cried the en- 
raged master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, 
* but I can for not picking the du 

658. — Lose Melville told a pleasant story, rather 
at his own expense, at a cabinet dinner. Some time 
ago he sent for Townshend, the Bow- street officer, 
who, from the line marked out by his lordship, then 
secretary of state, made a useful and singular dis- 
covery. Townshend, surprised at the sagacity of the 
right honourable gentleman, could not abstain from 
expressing his admiration, by assuring him, that, with 
■ a very little instruction, he would, in a fortnight, 
make the best thief- tuker in the kingdom.' 

659. — Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Mar- 
tin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, 
added — 'He supposed it was owing to the u.ar.' — 
' No,' replied the latter, ' it is owing to the piece.* 

660. — A physician being sent for, by a maker of 
universal specifics, Expressed his surprise at being 
called in on an occasion apparently trifling. ' Not 
so trifling neither,' replied the quack, ' for, to tell you 
the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.' 

661. — Philip, king of Macedon, having drank too 
much wine, happened to determine a cause unjustly, 
to the prejudice of a poor widow, who, when she 
heard his decree, boldly cried out — ' I appeal to 
Philip sober.' The king, struck with the peculiarity 
of the event, recovered his senses, heard the cause 
afresh, and, finding his mistake, ordered her to be 
paid, out of his own purse, double the sum she was 
to have lost This is an example worthy imitation. 
K2 



202 JOF MILLER. 

662. — The Neapolitans in general hold drunken- 
ness in very great abhorrence. — A story is told the$ 
of a nobleman, who, having murdered another in 
fit of jealousy, was condemned to suffer death. His 
life was offered to him on the sole condition of say- 
ing, that when he committed the deed he was intoxi- 
cated. He received the offer with disdain, and ex- 
claimed — ■ I would rather suffer a thousand deaths, 
than bring eternal disgrace on my family, by con- 
fessing the disgraceful crime of intoxication.' He 
persisted, and was executed. 

663. — An officer of one of the ships at Spithead, 
having occasion to send to his country-house in great 
haste a few days since, despatched a sailor on horse- 
back with a letter, who, after delivering it, and being 
refreshed, and the horse fed, went to the stable to 
prepare for his return. A bye-stander observed to 
him, ■ that he was putting on the saddle the hind 
part before.' The sailor replied — * How do you know 
which way I am going to ride V 

664. — Louis XL, when young, used to visit a pea- 
sant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. Soon 
after he ascended the throne, this peasant waited on 
him with his little present, a turnip, the produce of 
his own garden, of an extraordinary size. The king, 
smiling, remembered the hours of pleasure he had 
passed with him, and ordered a thousand crowns to 
t>e given to him. The lord of the village hearing of 
this liberality, thought within himself — 4 If this pea- 
sant gets a thousand crowns for a turnip, I have only 
to present his majesty with a handsome horse, and 
my fortune is made.' Arriving at court, he requested 
the king's acceptance of one. Louis highly praised 
*he steed, and the donor's expectations were raised 
to the utmost, when the king exclaimed — 4 Bring me 
my turnip!' and added, as he presented it to the 
nobleman, ' There, this cost me a thousand crowns 
I give it you in return for your horse.' 



MILLER. 203 

665. — When Lord Sandwich was to present 
Admiral Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the 
king would knight him. The admiral did not much 
relish the honour. ' Well, but,' said Lord 8.. 
1 perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it.' — ■ Then let the 
king knight her,' answered the rough seaman. 

666. — Henry III. of France could not bear to be 
alone in a chamber where there was a cat. The brave 
Due d'Epernon fell into a swoon at the sight of a 
rabbit. The Mareschal A Iways taken ill 

upon the bringing of a pig to the table. Ladislaus, 
king of Poland, began to run as often as he perceiv- 
ed an apple. Erasmus could not smell fish without 
becoming feverish. Scaliger was seized with a tremor 
at the sight of water-cresses. Tvcho Brahe could 
scarcely support himself on his legs if a hare or fox 
happened to start up where he ry eclipse 

of the moon threw the Chancellor Bacon into a faint- 
ing fit. Boyle was seized with an ecstacv at the 
sound of water running from a pipe. La Mothe le 
Vayer could not endure the notes of any musical in- 
strument, but felt the most lively pleasure whenever 
it thundered. An Englishman fainted away as often 
as he heard the fifty-third chapter of Isaiah. 

667. — Sir Peter Lfly, a famous painter, in the 
reign of Charles I., agreed for the price of a full- 
length, which he was to draw for a rich alderman of 
London, who was not indebted to nature either for 
shape or face. When the picture was finished, the 
ilderman endeavoured to beat down the price ; al- 
leging, that if he did not purchase it, it would lay on 
the painter's hands. 4 That's your mistake,' replied 
Sir Peter, 4 for I can sell it at double the price I 
demand.' — ' How can that be V says the alderman ; 
4 for it is like nobody but myself.' — ' But 1 will draw 
a tail to it, and then it will be an excellent monkey * 
Mr. Alderman, to prevent exposure, paid the sum 
agreed for, and carried off the picture- 



204 JOli MILI.BR. 

0(8. — A Quaker, a few years ago, having been 
cited as an evidence at a Quarter Sessions, one of the 
magistrates, who had been a blacksmith, desired to 
know why he would not take off his hat. * It is a 
privilege,' said the witness, ' that the laws and libe- 
rality of my country indulge people of our religious 
mode of thinking in.' — ' If I had it in my power,' 
said the justice, ■ 1 would have your hat nailed to 
your head.' — ? I thought,' said Obadiah, ■ that thou 
had'st given over the trade of driving nails.' 

669. — Charles V., in his intervals of relaxation, 
used to retire to Brussels : he was curious to know 
the sentiments of his meanest subjects concerning 
himself, and his administration ; therefore often went 
out incog., and mixed himself in such companies and 
conversation as he thought proper. One night his 
boot requiring immediate mending, he was directed to 
a cobbler. Unluckily it happened to be on St.Crispin's 
holiday ; and instead of finding the cobbler inclined 
to work, he was in the height of his jollity among his 
acquaintance : the emperor acquainted him with what 
he wanted, and offered a handsome gratuity. * What, 
friend,' says the fellow, ' do you not know better than 
to ask any of our craft to work on St. Crispin ? Was 
it Charles V. himself, I'd not do a stitch for him now; 
but if you'll come in, and drink St. Crispin, do and 
welcome ; we are as merry as the emperor can be.' 
The sovereign accepted his offer ; but while he was 
contemplating on their rude pleasure, instead of 
joining in it, the jovial host thus accosted him — 
1 What, I suppose you are some Courtier Politician, 
or other, by that contemplative phiz, nay, by your 
long nose, you may be a bastard of the emperor's — 
but be who, or what, you will, you're heartily welcome 
— drink about ; here's Charles the Fifth's health.' — 
* Then you love Charles the Fifth,' replied the em- 
peror. ' Love him !' says the son of Crispin ; ' aye, 
aye, I love his long noseship well enough ; but T 



JOL Mill ER. 205 

snould love him much more, would he but tax us a 
little less ; but, what the devil have we to do with 
politics 1 Round with the glass, and merry be our 
hearts.' After a short stay, the emperor took his 
feave, and thanked the cobbler for his hospitable re- 
ception. ' That,' cried he. ' you're welcome to ; but 
1 would not to-day have dishonoured St. Crispin to 
have worked for the emperor.' 

Charles, pleased with the honest good-nature and 
humour of the fellow, sent for him next morning to 
court. You must imagine his surprise, to see and 
hear that his late guest was his sovereign ! He ft 
his joke on his long nose must be punished with 
death. The emperor thanked him for his hospitality, 
and as a reward for it. bid him ask for what he 
doired, and take the whole night to settle his surpri>e 
and his ambiiion. Next day he appeared, and re- 
quested, that for the future, the cobblers of Flanders 
might bear for their arms a boot with the crown upon 
it. That request was granted ; and, as so moderate 
was his ambition, the emperor bid him make another. 
' If,' says he, ' I am to have my utmost wishes, com- 
mand that, for the future, the company of cobblers 
shall take place of the company of shoe -makers.' It 
was accordingly so ordained, and, to this day, there 
is to be seen a chapel in Flanders adorned around 
with a boot, and an Imperial crown on it ; and, in 
all processions, the company of cobblers take place 
before the company of shoe-makers.' 

670. — Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was 
desired one night in company to make a pun extem- 
pore. 'Upon what subject]' said Daniel. — ' The 
king,' answered the other. — * Oh, Sir,' said he, ■ the 
king is no subject.' 

671. — A father, exhorting his son to early rising, 
related a story of a person who, early one morning, 
found a large purse of money. ■ Well,' replied the 
youth, ' but the person who lost it rose earlier.' 



206 JOE Mil LftHi 

672. — Some sailors, who had made a great deal of 
prize-money, lately determined on purchasing a 
horse for the use of the mess ; accordingly, one of 
them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon 
as this honest tar got on shore, he went to a noted 
horse-dealer, who brought out a very clever-looking 
horse for the sailor's inspection, which he particu- 
larly recommended to him, as being a nice short- 
backed horse. ■ Aye, that may be,' said the sailor, 
■ and that 's the very reason he wont do, for there 's 
seven of us.' 

673. — A corpulent baronet, who piques himself 
upon his agility, exclaimed the other day, in the tone 
of exultation, to a witty friend — ' It is strange, Tom, 
that I should be so uncommonly active, is it not?' — 
1 It only proves,' answered the wit drily, ' that two 
opposite qualities are combined, the form of the bear, 
with the alertness of the monkey.' 

674. — A Cornish clergyman, having a dispute 
concerning several shares in different mines, found 
it necessary to send for a London limb of the law, to 
have some conversation with the witnesses, examine 
the title-deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine 
very soon found that his legal assistant was as great 
a rogue as ever was struck off the rolls. However, 
as he thought his knowledge might be useful, he 
shewed him his papers, took him to compare his sur- 
veyor's drawings with the situation of the pits, &c. 
When, in one of these excursions, the professional 
gentleman was descending a deep shaft, by means of 
a rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out 
to the parson, who stood at the top, ■ Doctor, as you 
have not confined your studies to geography, but 
know all things from the surface to the centre, pray, 
how far is it from this pit to that in the infernal re- 
gions V — ' I cannot exactly ascertain the distance/ 
replied the divine, ' but let go your hold, and you'll 
be then; in a minute.' 



JOK MILLTR. 207 

67.5. — A few years ago were seated in a stage- 
coach a clergyman, a lawyer, and a respectable look- 
ing elderly person. The lawyer, wishing to quiz the 
clergyman, began to descant pretty fully on the ad- 
mission of many ill-qualified persons into the church. 
' As a proof,' says he, ■ what pretty parsons we have, 
I once heard one read, instead of — " And Aaron 
made an atonement for the sins of the people" — "And 
Aaron made an ointment for the shins of the people. " ' 
— ' Incredible,' exclaimed the clergyman. — ' Oh/ 
replied the lawyer, * I dare say this gentleman will 
be able to inform us of something similar.' — ' That 
1 can,' said the old gentleman, while the face of the 
lawyer brightened in triumph — * for I once was pre- 
sent in a country church where the clergyman, in- 
stead of — " The devil was a liar from the beginning," 
actually read — M The devil was a lawyer from the 
beginning." ' 

676. — A gentleman long famous for the aptitude 
of his puns, observing a violent fracas in the front 
of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it, 4 The battle of 
A-gin-court.' 

677 — A chimney-sweeper, of very small stature, 
brought a Mrs. M'lntire to Bow street, a short time 
since, and charged her with uttering a gross and 
scandalous libel against him in Old Round Court, 
by calling him a bishop. The sweep said to the ma- 
gistrate — ■ I wants to know why this here voman 
should call me a bishop ; I gets my living honestly 
as a sweep, and keeps a vife and five children ; and 
though I bees always called a clergyman, and be- 
longing to the cloth, and that there kind of thing, I 
assure your honour, I be no bishop.' The magis- 
trate said it was quite certain he was no bishop, 
and Mr. Harris, the sweep, concluded by saying — 
1 It was hard that he, nor any one of his business, 
could not walk the streets, without being called a 
bishop.' The woman was committed. 



208 JOE M1IIER. 

67 8. — ' Tn one of my visits, very early in life, to 
that venerable master, Dr. Pepusch,' sajs Dr. Bur- 
ney, ' he gave me a short lesson, which made so deep 
an impression that I long endeavoured to practise it 
— M When I was a young man," said he, "I deter- 
mined never to go to bed at night, till I knew some- 
thing that I did not know in the morning." ' 

679. — A dispute having long subsisted in a gen- 
tleman's family between the maid and the coach- 
man, about fetching the cream for breakfast, the gen- 
tleman one morning called them both before him, 
that he might hear what, they had to say, and decide 
accordingly. The maid pleaded, that the coachman 
was lounging about the kitchen, the best part of the 
morning, yet he was so ill natured, he would not 
fetch the cream for her ; notwithstanding he saw she 
had so much to do, that she had not a moment to 
spare. The coachman alleged, it was out of his bu- 
siness. ' Very well,' said the master. ' but pray what 
do you call your business'?' — 'To take care of the 
horses, and clean and drive the coach,' replied Jehu. 
' You say right,' answered the master, ' and I do not 
expect you to do more than I hired you for ; but this 
I insist on, that every morning, before breakfast, 
you get the coach ready, and drive the maid to the 
farmer's for milk; and I hope you will allow that to 
be part of your business.' 

680. — Mr. Cukran one day inquiring his master's 
age from a horse jockey's servant, he found it almost 
impossible to extract an answer. ' Come, come, 
friend, has he not lost his teeth V — ■ Do you think,' 
returned the fellow, * that I know his age, as he does 
his horses, by the mark of his mouth V The laugh 
against Curran, but he instantly recovered. 
1 You were very right not to try, friend ; for you 
know your master 's a great l>ite. r 

68i. — An Irishman asked an itinerant poulterei 
the price of a pair of fowls. ' Six shillings, Sir.' — 



JOE MULCR. 209 

* In my deai country, my darling, you might buy 
them for sixpence a pace.' — ' Why don't you remain 
in your dear country, then V — ' Case we have no six- 
pences, my jewel,' said Pat. 

6tt^. — A noiorious miser having heard a very 
eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed — ' This sermon 
strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost 
a mind to turn 6<_ 

685. — A naval orHcer, relating his feats to a mar- 
shal, said — 'That, in a sea fight, he had killed 
men with his own hand.' — ■ And I,' said the marshal, 
'descended through a chimney, in Switzerland, to 
visit a pretty girl.' — ' How could that be,' said the 
captain, • since there are no chimneys in that coun- 
try.' — ' What, Sir,' said the marshal, ' I hate allowed 
you to kill oOO men in a right, and surely y oil may 
permit me to descend a chimney in Switzerland.' 

6b4. — Mr. Stlrni , the whimsical author of Tris- 
tram Shandy, was married to Mrs. Sterne on a Satur- 
day morning. The parishioners had timely informa- 
tion of the circumstance, and knowing he would 
preach next morning at his parish church, and de- 
sirous at the same time of seeing the bride, the\ 
sembled in such crowds, that the church wa> 
before the bell had done tolling. The bride made 
her appearance, and the country folks indulged them- 
selves with the usual observations, till Sterne mounted 
the pulpit ; here every eye was directed to him, and 
every ear ready to catch the words of his text which 
turned out to their astonishment as follows — ' We 
have toiled all night, and haie caught jwthing.' The 
congregation looked at each other ; some smiled ; 
others stopped their mouths with their handkerchiefs, 
to prevent them from laughing, while the old folks 
wore very serious faces, and thought the humourist 
a very odd sort of man for a parson. They attended 
however to his discourse, which turned out, as usual, 
very instructive, and all went home highly delighted 



210 JOE MILLRR. 

with the text, but poor Mrs. Steme, who blushed 
down to her finger's ends every step of the way to 
the house. 

68.1. — A certain Quaker (very rich and very ob- 
stinate), constantly rode every morning to a village 
not far from town, and, as a proof of his humility, 
made it a rule never to turn out of his track for any 
one. A young buck undertook, for a wager, to make 
friend Ammadab, for once, at least, give way, with- 
out using any force or violence. At the proper time 
(for the Quaker was as regular as the clock,) the 
young fellow set out on horseback, and soon seeing 
the Quaker at a distance, rode on, till his horse's nose 
toucned that of the Quaker's ; when both stopped 
and |dl some time looking at each other. At length 
theJBck, with great composure, taking out a pipe, 
filI«T, and lighted it, by the help of a pistol tinder- 
box ; then leaning on his elbow on the pummel of 
his saddle, smoked it out very deliberately, looking 
very steadfastly all the while in the Quaker's face. 
His pipe out, he began to recharge, which the Quaker 
seeing, immediately turned his horse's head, saying 
as he passed his opponent, ' friend, thou beest a very 
obstinate fellow.' 

686. — Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, 
when he produced some admirable Constantia, which 
had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. 
The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the 
bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his 
wits to work to get another. The old Chancellor 
was not to be so easily induced to produce his curi- 
ous Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan's 
attempts to get another glass. — Sheridan being 
piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the 
immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gen- 
tleman sitting farther down, and said, ' Sir, pass me 
up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since 
I cannot double the Cape.' 



JOL MILLER. 211 

687. — Sheridan made his appearance one day in 
a pair of new boots — these attracting the notice 01 
some of his friends, ' Now guess,* said he, * how I 
came by these boots f many probable guesses then 
took place — ' No!' said Sheridan, ' no, you've not 
hit it, nor ever will— I bought them, and paid for 
them !' 

688. — A rich member of the Lower House, but 
exceedingly penurious, having one (Hry dfl(||anted for 
half an hour, at the Cocoa Tree, on the Excellent 
quality and cheapness of a ituistcoat, which, after 
much bating, he had just bought at a tailor's shop in 
the Strand, and which he was exhibiting ih ttUfcph 
to the gentlemen present, concluded by pra^^Rthe 
high perfection of the Manchester manufacttMBpi 
saying, ' Can any thing be more reasonable ?^Bl 
any one conceive how they let me have it so ehe 
— ■ Very easily,' replied Sheridan, raising his head 
from a newspaper, and heartily tired of being bored 
by such a subject : • they took you for one of the 
tiade, and sold it to you wholesale.' 

689. — An attorney one day meeting Sheridan walk- 
ing with another gentleman in Piccadilly, told him 
he had just been apprenticing his second daughter, 
a very beautiful girl, to a fashionable dress-maker in 
Bond street; at the same time asking his opinion 
of this family arrangement. ' Depend upon it, Sir,' 
said Sheridan, ■ that she is in as fair a way of being 
ruined, as a boy is to become a rogue, when he is 
first put clerk to a lawyer !' 

690. — Sheridan was very desirous that his son 
Tom should marry a young woman of large fortune, 
but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's 
heart. One day, he requested Tom to walk with 
him, and soon entered on the subject of his marriage, 
and pointed out to him in glowing colours the ad- 
vantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened 
with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the 



212 JOE MILLER. 

perfections of the woman who proved the pride and 
solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, 
and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length ex- 
claimed— ' Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, 
I'll cut you off with a shilling !' Tom could not re- 
sist the opportunity of replying, and looking archly 
at his father, said, ■ Then, Sir, you must borrow it.' 
Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the 
subject. ^ 

691.— sSheridan was endeavouring to compliment 
(vulgo, to gammon) a city tailor out of a new suit of 
clothes, and promising him half a dozen similar or- 
ders every year. ' You are an excellent cut, my 
friend,' said Sheridan, ' and you beat our snips of the 
West-end, hollow. Why don't you push your thim- 
ble amongst us 1 I'll recommend you every where : 
upon my honour, your work gives you infinite cre- 
dit.' — ' Yes,' replied Twist, ■ I always take care 
that my work gives long credit; but the wearers ready 
money, 

692. — In a large party, one evening, the conver- 
sation turned upon young men's allowance at col- 
lege. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill judging par- 
simony of many parents, in that respect. ' I am 
sure, Tom,' said his father, 'you need not complain; 
I always allowed you eight hundred a year.' — ' Yes, 
father, I must confess you allowed it ; but then it 
was never paid.' 

093. — Wiikn Dr. Parr's preface to Bellendenus 
was the theme of general admiration, Home Tooke 
said of it, rather contemptuously, ' It consists of 
mere scraps ;' alluding to the frequent use of the 
' ronian language. This sarcasm was mentioned 
to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said to him, 
— ' So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere 
scraps?' — 'True,' replied Tooke, with inimitable 
readiness, ' but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps 
are often tit-bits.' 



jut Mil LER. 213 

694. — During the rage of republican principles 
in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society 
v\.i^ in full vigour, Mr. Selwyn happened one May- 
day to meet a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed 
out in all their gaudy trappings ; and observed to 
Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, ' I say, Charles, 
I have often heard you and others talk of the ma- 
jesty of the people ; but I never saw any of the young 
princes and princesses till now.' 

695. — Rlturning in haste from France in the 
winter season, on hearing a report of a probable 
change in the ministry, by which he was more than 
likely to lose his place, Selwyn appeared in the 
drawing-room at St. James's the next court-day in 
a light coloured velvet dress. The king taking notice 
of this, George replied, — 'Yes, Sire, it is rather a 
cool habiliment ; but notwithstanding. I do assure 
vour Majesty, that I have been in a violent sweat 
tver since my arrival in England.' 

696. — A learned Irish Judge, among other pe- 
culiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on every 
occasion. On his circuit, a short time since, his 
favourite expression was employed in a singular man- 
ner. At the close of the assize, as he was about to 
leave the bench, the officer of the court reminded him 
that he had not passed sentence on one of the cri- 
minals, as he had intended — ' Dear me !' said his 
lordship, « I really beg his pardon — bring him in.' 

697. — Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to 
have been the vainest men of their time. At dinner, 
some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the con- 
versational powers of Lord E., called out to him, 
1 My lord, I mean to write your epitaph.' — ' Dr. Parr/ 
replied the noble lawyer, ■ it is a temptation to com- 
mit suicide.' 

698. — Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his 
shortness and rotundity, was very gallant. One day 
being alone with Madame de Cronzas, Gibbon wished 



211 JOE MILLER. 

to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly drop- 
ping on his knees, he declared his love in the most 
passionate terms. Madame de Cronzas replied in a 
tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene. Gib- 
bon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his 
knees, though frequently desired to get up and re- 
sume his seat. 'Sir,' said Madame de Cronzas, 
' will you have the goodness to rise V — ' Alas, ma- 
dam,' replied the unhappy lover, ' I cannot.' His 
size prevented him from rising without assistance ; 
upon this Madame de Cronzas rang the bell, saying 
to the servant, ' Lift up Mr. Gibbon.' 

699. — ' Souvre,' said Louis XV. to the commander 
of that name, ' you are getting old ; where do you 
wish to be interred V — ' At the foot of your majesty, 
sire,' replied Souvre. This answer disconcerted the 
monarch, who remained for some time deeply im- 
ed in thought. 

700. — There were two very fat noblemen at the 
court of Louis XV., the Duke de L — and the Duke 
de N — . They were both one day at the levee, when 
the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. 
' You take no exercise, 1 suppose,' said the king. — 
4 Pardon me, sire,' said de L — , ' I walk twice a-day 
round my cousin de N — .' 

701. — A lady was listening to the late Lord Er- 
Bkine's account of the people of the North Pole, and 
when he mentioned that the natives clothe them- 
selves in the skins of the seals, and eat their flesh, 
' What ! live upon seals V exclaimed the lady, with 
a look of horror. — ' Yes, madam,' answered Lord 
Krskine, ' and very good living too, if one could 
but keep them.' 

702. — Pope Pius VII. having come to Paris to 
crown, or rather to pronounce the apostolic benedic- 
tion on the coronation of Napoleon, Denon was de- 
puted to shew his holiness over the mint, the museum, 
and imperial printing-offices. In his presence the 



JOE MILLER 215 

Lord's prayer in l.-SO languages and dialects was 
printed and presented to him. The Pope expressed 
his admiration, and turning to Denon said, 4 But 
thou hast not given me thy work.' — ' Your holiness, 
T should never have presumed to offer it to you, for 
you recollect you excommunicated me for having at- 
tempted to prove in it, that the world was more than 
six thousand years old.' — ' Psha ! thou didst thy 
duty, and I did mine ; give me the book at any rate.' 

703. — The celebrated actor, John Palmer, whose 
father was a bill-sticker, and who had occasionally 
followed the same humble occupation himself, being 
one evening strutting in the green-room in a pair of 
glittering buckles, a by stander remarked that they 
really resembled diamonds. ■ Sir,' said Palmer, with 
some warmth, ' I would have you know I neve 
wear any thing but diamonds !' — ' I ask your par- 
don,' replied the other, ' I remember the time when 
you wore nothing but paste-' The laugh was much 
heightened by Bannister exclaiming, ' Jack, why 
don't you stick him against the uallV 

704. — An avaricious fenman, who kept a very 
scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an 
ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, ' Tom, 
you must eat for to-day and to-morrow.' — ' O yes,' 
retorted the half-starved lad, ■ but I ha'n't eaten for 
yesterday and to-day yet, father.' 

705. — Lady Bfaut.ieu was complaining of being 
waked by a noise in the night: my lord replied, 
' Oh, for my part, there is no disturbing me ; if they 
don't wake me before I go to sleep, there is no wak- 
ing me afterwards.' 

706. — When Henry, Duke of Norfolk (the only 
Protestant of the family before the late duke), was 
attending James II. in his duty as Earl Marshal, to 
the Popish Chapel of the Court, he stopped short at 
the door, and. making his bow to the king, suffered 
him to pass on without accompanying him. The king 



2l6 JUL. MILIAR. 

was piqued, and turning round, observed, ' I\Ty lord, 
your father would have gone farther.' The duke 
made a lower bow than before, and replied, ' Your 
majesty's father would not have gone so far.' 

707. — ' A i.ady once asked me,' says Coleridge, 
' if I believed in ghosts and apparitions.' I an- 
swered with truth and simplicity, * No, madam, I 
have seen far too many myself.' 

708. — A bchool-boy going into the village with- 
out leave, one of his masters called after him, ' Where 
are you going, Sir V — ' 1 am going to buy a halfp'- 
worth of nails, Sir. 1 — ' What do you want a halfp'- 
worth of nails for?' — ■ For a halfpenny, Sir,' replied 
the urchin. 

709. — At a tea-party, where some Cantabs hap- 
pened to be present, after the dish had been handed 
round, the lady who was presiding over the tea equi- 
page ■ hoped the tea was good.' — ' Very good, in- 
deed, madam/ was the general reply, till it came to 
the turn of one of the Cantabs to speak, who, between 
truth and politeness, shrewdly observed, ' That the 
tea was excellent, but the water was smoky.' 

710. — Two Oxonians dining together, one of them 
noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his com- 
panion, said, ' I see you are a Grecian.' — ' Pooh !' 
the other, ■ that's far-fetched .' — • No, indeed/ 
the punster, ' 1 made it on the spot.' 

711. — A young woman meeting her former fellow- 
servant, was asked how she liked her place. ■ Very 
well ' — ' Then you have nothing to complain of] — 
' Nothing; only master and missis taik such very 
bad grammar.' 

712. — A koble lord, who was aid-de-camp to the 
Duke of Wellington, visited the duke early on the 
morning of tliu battle of Salamanca, and perceiving 
dim lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed 
that his grace ' had not room to tuin himself.' The 
d.jke immediately replied, ' When you have lived as 



JOE MILLER. 217 

.ong as 7 have, you will know that when a man 
thinks ot turning in his bed, it is time he should turn 
out of it.' 

713. — Shortly after the commencement of the 
last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a poli- 
tical economist would prove, made them dearer. A 
Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, 
Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked 
why. ' It's a' owin' to the war,' said Paddy. ' The 
war!' said the astonished matron, 'Gracious me! 
are they gaun to fight by candle licht ! 

714 — Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not 
very partial to the ' thea linensis,' although lauded 
so warmly by a French writer as ' nostrls grathsimu 
musis,' being invited to take tea by a lady, with true 
classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the follow- 
ing delicate compliment : — ■ Non p ^-sum re-cum 
vivere, nee sine te !' 

715. — A Chancery barrister having been for a 
ong while annoyed by an irritable ucer on one of 
his legs, called upon Mr. Abernethy for the purpose 
of obtaining that gentleman's advice. The coun- 
sellor judging of an ulcer as of a brief, that it must 
be seen before its nature could be understood, was 
Dusily employed in removing his stocking and ban- 
dages, when Mr. Abernethy abruptly advanced to- 
wards him, and exclaimed in a stentorian voice, 
1 Halloo ! what are you about there ! put out your 
tongue, man ! Aye, there 'tis, I see it — I'm satis- 
fied — quite enough — shut up your leg, man — shut it 
up — shut it up. Here, take one of these pills every 
night on going to bed.' The lawyer put the box of 
pills into his pocket, handed over the fee, and was 
about to leave the room, when Mr. A. thus accosted 
mm : ■ Why, look here, this is but a shilling !' The 
barrister sarcastically replied — 'Aye, there 'tis ! I 
see it — I'm satisfied ! quite enough, man ! shut it up 
—shut it up !' and hastilv quitted the room. 
L 



JOE MILLER. 

7l6\ — An Irishman, who served on board a man- 
of-war in the capacity of a waister, was selected b) 
one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of consider- 
able length, that was towing over the tafferail. After 
row sing-in forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his 
patience severely to proof, as well as every muscle 
of his arms, he muttered to himself, ' By my soul, 
it's as long as to-day and to-morrow ! — It's a good 
week's work for any five in the ship ! — Bad luck to 
the armor leg, it'll lave me at last! — What! more 
of it yet ! — Och, murder ; the sa's mighty deep, to 
be sure!' — When, after continuing in a similar 
strain, and conceiving there was little probability of 
the completion of his labour, he stopped suddenly 
short, and addressing the officer of the watch, ex- 
claimed, ' Had manners to me, Sir, if I don't think 
somebody's cut off the other end of it /' 

717. — Rosk, private secretary to Louis XIV., 
having married his daughter to M Portail, president 
of the parliament, was constantly receiving from his 
son-in-law, complaints of his daughter's ill-temper. 
To one of these he at length answered, that he was 
fully convinced of her misconduct, and was resolved 
to punish it : in short, that if he heard any more of 
it, he would disinherit her. He heard no more. 

718 — ' Does your husband expectorate?' said an 
apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long vi- 
sited Ins shop for her sick husband — ' Expect to ate, 
yet honour — no sure, and Paddy does not expect to 
ate — he 's nothing at all to ate ! The humane man 
ient a large bason of mixture from a tureen of soup 
then smoking on his t;ible. 

719. — When George Bidder, the calculating phe- 
nomenon, was a very little boy, he made the tour of 
England with his father, displaying every where his 
Dishing power of combining and resolving num- 
Amoog several very ingenious and difficult 
questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant 



.?<;E MILLER. 219 

pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), 
' How many cow's tails would reach to the moon.' 
The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye of consi- 
derable archness, answered instantly, ' One, if it were 
long enough/ 

720.— By statute 6th George II. c. 37., it was fe- 
lony without benefit of clergy to destroy an ash. Dr. 
Ash, a great wit, and friend of Swift, was once wet 
through with the rain, and upon going into an inn, 
asked the waiter to strip off his coat for him ; upon 
which the waiter started, and said he dare not, for it 
was felony to strip an Ash. Dr. Ash used to say he 
would have given 50/. to have been the author of 
that pun. 

7tl. — A judge and counsellor being upon indif- 
ferent terms, a client of the counsel's making his ' 
appearance at the bar with his jaw terribly swelled, 

the judge remarked, * Mr. , this client of yours 

would make an excellent counsellor, he 's all jaw ;' 
which set the court in a roar of laughter against the \ 
counsellor. On silence being obtained, the counsel 
remarked, * My lord, I think he would make a better 
judge, for his jaw is all on one side.' The retort 
turned the laugh against the judge, and from that 
day they were on the best terms of friendship. 

71$. — A barker, who was a great talker, said to 
a person on whom he was about to operate, ' How 
do you choose that I should shave you, Sir V — 
* Without opening your lips,' replied the customer. 

723. — A lady who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, 
began describing her complaint, which was what he 
very much disliked. Among other things, she said, 
4 Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly.' 
— ' Why then, madam,' answered Mr. A., 'you are 
a great fool for doing so.' 

724. — A lady, who had received a severe bite in 
her arm from a dog, went to Mr. Abernethy, but 
knowing his aversion to hearing any statement of 



220 JOE MILLER. 

particulars, she merely uncovered the injured part, 
and held it before him in silence. After looking a! 
it an instant, he said in an inquiring tone, ' Scratch? 
— ' Bite,' replied the lady. — 'CatV asked the doc 
tor. — ■ Dog,' rejoined the patient. So delighted was 
Mr. A. with the brevity and promptness of her an- 
swers, that he exclaimed, ' Zounds, madam, you are 
the most sensible woman I ever met with in ray life.' 

725. — At the siege of Gironne, a cannon ball 
passed very near the Duke de Noailles, who was in- 
specting a battery. ' Do you hear that music !' 
said he to Rigolo, who commanded the artillery. — 
' I care nothing about the balls which come,' replied 
Rigolo, ' my business is with those that go.' 

726. — It is related of Mr. Cheselden, well known 
as having been surgeon to the Queen of George II. 
that going into an obscure country town, he found a 
blacksmith, who, with the best intentions and the 
utmost confidence, was in the habit of performing 
the operation for removing the cataract ; pleased 
with his talents, he communicated some instructions, 
and at a future time, inquiring what had been his 
success, the man replied : ■ Ah, Sir ! you spoilt my 
trade, for after you explained to me what I had been 
doing, 1 never dared to try again.' 

727. — ■ Nothing can daunt the heart of a genuine 
Irishman,' said an Emeralder, the other day, over his 
glass. — ■ Why, 1 have seen you yourself run away in 
a street row, Dennis,' rejoined an Englishman who 
was present. — ' Ah, ah,' cried Dennis, ' but it was 
not out of fear that I did it.' — ' How, then V — ' Oh ! 
sure, jist to hope myself out of harm's way, that's all.' 

72Jj. — Mr. Cakus Wilson, whose great height 
renders him very remarkable in the streets of Lon- 
don, was met in Fleet-street, during a frost, by a 
gentleman nearly as tall as himself. Struck with the 
appearance of each other, they entered into conver- 
sation, and were speaking, when interrupted by a 



JOE MILLCR. 221 

ragged urchin from the sister Isle. This genuine 
child of Erin, looking up to the giants, archly bawled 
out, ■ Your honours, will you be so good as to tell 
me if 'tis cmld up there?' 

729. — ■ What is Eternity V — The following beau- 
tiful answer, by a pupil of the Deaf and Dumb School 
at Paris, contains a sublimity of conception scarcely 
to be equalled : — ■ The life-time of the Almighty.' 

730 — An attorney, who was much molested by a 
fellow importuning him to bestow something, threat- 
ened to have him taken up as a common beggar. 
4 A beggar !' exclaimed the man, ■ I would have you 
know that I am of the same profession as yourself: 
are we not both solicitors?' — 'That may be, friend, 
yet there is this difference — you are not a legal one, 
which I am,' 

731. — In a small party the subject turning on 
matrimony, a lady said to her sister, ' I wonder, my 
dear, you have never made a match, I think you want 
the brimstone ;' — she replied, ■ No, not the brimstone, 
only the spark.' 

7S2. — During the late panic, a person presented 
about 30/. of the notes of one of the country banks, 
for which he received payment : he was then asked 
whether he was aware that he had the sum of 150/. 
in their hands ? he replied, ' Yes ! but that was of 
no consequence, he should not lose that, as it teas at 
interest,' 

733. — At a late Parliamentary dinner, Mr. Plun- 
kett was asked if Mr. Hume did not annoy him by 
his broad speeches. ' No,' replied he, ■ it is the 
length of the speeches, not their breadth, that we 
complain of in the House.' 

734. — On a remarkably hot summer's day, an 
Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in 
a violent perspiration, was cautioned against ' catch- 
ing cold.' ■ Catch it,' said he, wiping his face, 
' where ! I wish I could catch it.' 



222 JOE MILKER. 

735.— A coachman, extolling the sagacity of one 
of his horses, observed, that ' if any body was to go for 
to use him ill, he would hear malice like a Christian.' 

736. — In the war with France, in 1782, an Eng- 
lish officer being sent to Martinico, in a cartel, was 
introduced to the French admiral, the Compte de 
Grasse, on board his vessel, the Ville de Paris. In 
the course of conversation the latter charged the of- 
ficer with his compliments to Admiral (then Sir 
George) Rodney, and that he would be off Dominica 
on the 9th of April, when he would be glad to see 
him. On the 12th the important action took place, 
in which the admiral, with seven vessels, was taken. 
The same officer happening to be on deck when the 
Count surrendered his sword, accosted him with great 
politeness — ' I am very happy to see you, Monsieur 
le Compte,' said he, ' and cannot but esteem you a 
gentleman of the utmost punctuality.' 

737. — The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, 
was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him 
to spend the whole night in company, and all the 
next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, 
an old female relation, having waited on him before 
he had arisen, began to read him a familiar lecture 
on prudence j which she concluded by saying, 'Ah! 
Bonnel, Bonnel ! I see plainly that you'll shorten 
ymir days.' — ' Very true, Madam,' replied he, ' but 
by the same rule, you must admit that 1 shall lengthen 
imj nighttJ 

738. — Louis XIV. who loved a concise style, met 

on the road, as he was travelling into the country, a 

', who was riding post ; and, ordering him to 

stop, asked hastily, ' Whence come you ? Where are 

you going? What do you want?' The other, who 

rfly well knew the king's disposition, instantly 

- • 1 , ' Prom Bruges. To Paris. A benefice.' — 

' \ oii shall have it,' replied the king ; and in a few 

days presented him to a valuable living. 



JOE Mil LER. 2-23 

739. — On a trial at the Admiralty sessions, for 
shooting a seaman, the counsel for the crown asking 
one of the witnesses which he was for, plaintiff or 
defendant — ■ Plaintiff or defendaut ! says the sailor, 
scratching his head, « why, 1 don't know what you 
mean by plaintiff or defendant. I come to speak for 
that man, there !' pointing at the prisoner. ■ You 
are a pretty fellow for a witness,' says the counsel, 
' not to know what plaintiff or defendant means/ 
Some time after, being asked by the same counsel 
what part of the ship he was in at the time — ' Abaft 
the binnacle, my lord,' says the sailor. ■ Abaft the 
binnacle!' replied the barrister, 'what part of the 
ship is that?' — 4 Ha ! ha! ha !' chuckled the sailor ; 
1 an't you a pretty fellow for a counsellor,' pointing 
archly at him with his finger, ' not to know what 
abaft the binnacle is.' 

740. — Dr. Franklin, when last in England, used 
pleasantly to repeat an observation of his negro 
vant, when the Doctor was making the tour of Der- 
byshire, Lancashire, <Scc. 'Every ting, Massa, work 
in dis country ; water work ; wind work ; fire work ; 
smoke work ; dog work (he had before noticed the 
last at Bath) ; man work ; bullock work ; horse w ork ; 
ass work ; every ting work here but de hog ; he eat, 
he drink, he sleep, he do noting all day, he walk 
about like gentleman!' 

741. — A gentleman went to see his son at West- 
minster school, under the great Dr. Busby. When 
they were in discourse, over a bottle of wine, the 
Doctor sent for the boy. ' Come,' says he, ' young 
man, as your father is here, take a glass of wine ;' 
and quoted this Latin sentence : Paucum Vini ucuit 
Ingenium, (a. little wine sharpens the wit.) The lad 
replied, Sed plus Vini, plus Ingenii! (the more wine, 
the more wit!) 'Hold, young man,' replied the 
Doctor, i though you argue on mathematical prin- 
ciples, you shall have but one glass !' 



JOE MILLKft. 

T4f. — The renowned Peter the Great, being at 
Westminster Hall in term time, and seeing multi- 
tudes of people swarming about the courts of law, is 
reported to have asked some about him, what all 
those busy people were, and what they were about 1 
and being answered, ' They are lawyers.' — ■ Law- 
yers !' returned he, with great vivacity, ' why 1 have 
but four in my whole kingdom, and I design to hang 
two of them as soon as I get home.' 

743. — ' When 1 have a cold in my head,' said a 
gentleman in company, 'I am always remarkably 
dull and stupid.' — ' You are much to be pitied, then, 
Sir,' replied another, 4 for I don't remember ever to 
have seen you without a cold in your head.' 

74 i. — A Welsh parson in his discourse told his 
congregation ' how kind and respectful we should be 
one to another,' and said, ' we wore even inferior to 
brutes in that point.' He brought in an example of 
two goats, which met one another upon a very nar- 
row bridge, over a river, so that they could not pass 
by without one thrusting the other off. 'How do 
you think did they do? I'll tell you: one laid him 
down and let the other leap over him. Ah! beloved, 
let us live like goats. 

745. — A dog stole a piece of meat out of a Quaker's 
porridge pot ; upon which the Quaker calmly said, 
that he would not lift up the arm of the flesh against 
him, but give him a gentle reproof; and so turning 
the dog out, he shouted * a mad dug V in consequence 
of which the poor animal was instantly stoned to 
death. 

740. 1- An old Romas soldier, being involvea in a 

-ait, implored the protection of Augustus, who 

red him to one of his courtiers, for an intioduc- 

. to the judges. On which the brave veteran, 

ied at the emperor's coolness, exclaimed, ' 1 did 

i thus, when you were in dan^e* 

at the battle of Actium, but fought lor you myself 



JOE MILLER. 

he same time, the wounds he had 
received en that memorable occasion. This retort 
so affected Augustus, that he is said to have person- 
ally pleaded the soldier's cause^^/ 

747. — Dr. A., physician le, being sum- 

moned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton 
for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sex: 
miscooduct, as to raise his choler so as to draw from 
him this expression : — ' Sir, I was in hopes you would 
have treated my failiags with more gentleness, or that 
you would have been the last man alive to a^ 
against me, as I have covered so many blunde 
yours !' 

\r Gibraltar there was a great scarcity of 
water, and a general complaint of the want of it An 
. officer said, ' He w^ about the mat- 

ter, for he had nothing to do with water ; if he only 
got his tea in the morning, and punch at night, it 
ill that he 
749. — A gentleman came into an inn in Chelms- 
ford upon a very cold day. and could get no room 
near the fire ; w hereupon he called to the ostler to 
fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. 
1 Will your horse eat oysters V replied the ostler. 
4 Try him,' said the gentleman. Immediately, the 
people running to see this wonder, the fire side was 
cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of - 
The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the 
c would not meddle with them. ' Why then,* 
the gentleman, ■ I must be forced to eat them 
myself.' 

750. — David Hume and Lady W. one passed the 
_horn to Leith together, when a violent 
storm rendered the passengers apprehensive of a 

er death ; and her ladyship's terrors induced her 
to seek consolation from her friend, who with infinite 
sang froid assured her, he thought there was great 
probabiiitv of iheir becoming food for fish^ 
L * 



226 JOB tflLLER. 

pray, my dear friend,' said lady \V. ' which do you 
think they will eat first?' — 'Those that are gluttons/ 
replied Hume, ■ will undoubtedly fall foul of me, but 
the epicures will attack your ladyship.' 

751. — Some time since, at one of our seaports, a 
noble naval commander, who is a strict disciplinarian, 
accosted a drunken sailor in the street, with ■ What 
ship do you belong to V Jack, who was a dry fellow, 
notwithstanding he was drunk, and had a very eccen- 
tric countenance, answered with much sa)}g froid, 
r Don't know.' — ' Do you know who 1 am V — No.' — 
' Why, I am commander-in-chief.' — 'Then,' replied 
he archly, ' you have a d — d good birth of it, that's 
all I know.' 

752. — A gentleman remarked the other day to an 
Irish baronet, that the science of optics was now 
brought to the highest perfection ; for that, by the 
aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he 
could discern objects at an incredible distance. ' My 
dear fellow,' replied the good humoured baronet, ' I 
have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford that 
will be a match for it ; it brought the church of En- 
niscorthy so near to my view, that I could hear the 
whole congregation singing Psalms.' 

7.53. — As the late Mr. Rich, whose abilities as a 
Harlequin are universally known, was one evening 
returning home from the playhouse in a hackney 
coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him to the 
Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare Market. Just 
as the coach passed one of the windows of the tavern, 
Rich, who perceived it to be open, dexterously threw 
himself out of the coach window into the room. The 
coachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew 
up, descended from his box, opened the coach door, 
and let down the step ; then, taking off his hat, he 
waited for some time, expecting his fare to alight ; 
but at length looking into the coach, and seeing it 
empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses on the ras- 



JOE MILLER. 227 

cal who had bilked him, remounted his box. turned 
about, and was returning to the stand ; when Rich, 
who had watched his opportunity, threw himself into 
the coach, looked out, asked the fellow where the 
devil he was driving, and desired him to turn about. 
The coachman, almost petrified with fear, instantly 
obeyed, and once more drew up to the door of the 
tavern. Rich now got out ; and, after reproaching 
the fellow with his stupidity, tendered him his money. 
' Xo, God bless your honour,' said the coachman, 
1 my master has ordered me to take no money to- 
night.' — Pshaw !' said Rich ; ■ your master's a foo! ; 
here's a shilling for yourself.' — ' Xo, no,' said the 
coachman, who by that time had remounted his box, 
1 that won't do : I know you too well, for all your 
shoes — and so, Mr. Devil, for once you're outwitted !' 

754. — The witty and licentious earl of Rocln 
meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the park, told 
his companions that he would have some fun with 
the rusty old put. Acoordinglv, he went up with 
great gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the Doctor 
a profound bow, saying, ' Doctor, I am yours to my 
shoe tie.' The Doctor, seeing his drift, immediately 
pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with, 
1 My lord, I am yours to the ground.' Rochester 
followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying. 
■ Doctor, I am yours to the centre.' Barrow, with a 
very lowly obeisance, replied, ' My lord, I am yours 
to the Antipodes.' His lordship, nearly gravelled, 
exclaimed, ' Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of 
hell.' — ' There, my lord,' said Barrow, sarcastically 
1 I leave you,' and walked off. 

753. — The late well known Sandy Wood, surgeon 
in Edinburgh, was walking through the streets c 
that city during the time of an illumination, when h 
observed a young rascal, not above twelve years 
age, breaking every window he could reach, with 
much industry as if he had been doing the most com- 



22tt JOE MILLEH. 

ui. mlable action in the world. Enraged at this mia- 
ehievous disposition, Sandy seized him by the collar, 
and asked him what he meant by thus destroying the 
honest people's windows? € Why it's all for the good 
of trade,' replied the young urchin, ' I am a glazier.' 
— ' All for the good of trade is it V said Sandy, rais- 
ing his cane, and breaking the boy's head : * There, 
then, that's for the good of my trade — I am a surgeon.' 

7rt6. — Two Jesuits on their passage for America, 
were desired by the master to go down into the hold, 
as a storm was coming on ; that they need not ap- 
prehend any danger as long as they heard the seamen 
curse and swear ; but if once they were silent and 
quiet, he would advise them to betake themselves to 
pi avers. Soon after the lay brother goes to the 
hatches, to hear what was going forward, when he 
quickly returned, saying all was over, for they swore 
like troopers, and their blasphemy alone was enough 
to sink the vessel. * The Lord be praised for it,' re- 
plied the other, ' marry then we are safe.' 

7.57. — Win \ the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, 
I)r Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next 
day the Doctor coming to see his patient, inquired 
it he had followed his prescription? 'No, truly, 
Doctor,' said Nash, ' if I had, I should have broken 
my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs 
window.' 

7/)8. — A young lady who was just come out of the 
country, and affected to dress in a very plain man- 
ner, was sitting on a bench at Bath, as Nash and 
some of his companions were passing by ; upon 
which, turning to one of them, he said, 'There is a 
smart country girl ; 1 will have some discourse with 
her.' Then going up to the lady, ' So child,' says he, 
* yon arc just come to Bath, 1 see?' — • Yes, Sir,' an- 
swered the lady. ' And you have been a good girl 
in the country, and learned to read your book, L 
hope V — ' Yes, Sir.' — ' Pray, now,' says he, ' let me 



JOF Mill ER. 229 

examine yot». I know you have read your Bible, 
and History of Tobit and his Dog; now, can you 
tell me what was the dog's name !' — ' Yes, Sir,' says 
she, his name was NmsJi, and an impudent dog he 

759.— Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of 
Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild 
and dissipated turn. Being one day found by his 
father in a very serious humour, ' What is the matter 
with you, Tom?' said the Bishop; 'what are you 
ruminating on?' — * A greater work than your Lord- 
ship's History of the Reformation,' answered the son. 
1 Ay ! what is that Y asked the father. ' The refor- 
mation of myself, ray lord,' replied the son. 

760. — Lord Mansfield being willing to save a 
man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at 
tenpence ; upon which the prosecutor cries out, ' Ten- 
pence, my lord, why the very fashion of it cost me 
five pounds.' — ' Oh,' says his lordship, ' we must not 
hang a man for fashion $ sake.' 

761. — A gentleman having occasion to call for 
.Air Joseph Graham, writer, found him at home in his 
writing chamber. He remarked the great heat of the 
apartment, and said, ■ It was hot as an oven.' — 'So 
it ought,' replied Mr. G., ' for 'tis here I make my 
bread.' 

762. — King James I. gave all manner of liberty 
and encouragement to the exercise of buffoonery, and 
took great delight in it himself. Happening once to 
bear somewhat hard on one of his Scotch courtiers, 
1 By my saul,' returns the peer, ' he that made your 
majesty a king, spoiled the best fool in Christendom.' 

763. — A rich man sent to call a physician, for a 
slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and 
said, ' Do you eat well V — ' Yes,' said the patient. 
' Do you sleep well ?' — ' I do.' — ■ Then,' said the phy- 
sician, ' I shall give you something to take awav all 
that!' 



230 JOE MILLER. 

764. — An Irish soldier, who came over with Gene- 
ral Moore, being asked if he met with much hospita- 
lity in Holland ? ■ O yes,' replied he, ' too much : I 
was in the hospital almost all -the time I was there/ 

~6!y. — Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found 
ne long graces used by his father before and after 
meals very tedious. One day after the winter's pro- 
vision had been salted, * I think, father,' said Benja- 
min, ' if you were to say grace over the whole cask 
once for all, it would be a great saving of time.' 

766. — A certain bon vivant parson, having made 
too free with the bottle at a dinner in the neighbour- 
hood, had the misfortune in returning home to fall 
from his horse ; some country fellows who saw the 
accident replaced him in his saddle, but with his face 
towards the horse's tail ; in this situation old Dobbin 
conveyed him safely to his own door. 1 1 is wife, see- 
ing the condition he was in, exclaimed, ' Good God ! 
my dear, you are wonderfully cut.' — ' Cut, indeed,' 
says he, feeling before him with both hands, ' 'gad, 
I believe they have cut my horse's head off.' 

767. — Sir C. S being at an inn on the road, 

a report came that a gentleman had been robbed, on 
which he swore, ' That a single highwayman should 
not rob him.' The next morning, going on a jour- 
ney, one met him, and repeated the very words that 

Sir C had made use of the night before ; * But 

there are two of you,' replied Sir C . The man, 

surprised by the impromptu, suddenly turned his 

head round to look for his comrade, when Sir C 

instantly shot him dead. 

768. — A French officer more remarkable for his 
birth and spirit than his riches, had served the Vene- 
tian republic with great valour and fidelity for some 
years, but had not met with preferment adequate, 
by any means, to his merits. One day, he waited on 
an ' Ulustrissimo,' whom he had often solicited in 
vain, but on whose friendship lie had still some reli- 



JOE MILLER. 231 

ance. The reception he met with was cool and mor- 
tifying ; the noble turned his back on the necessitous 
veteran, and left him to find his way to the street, 
through a suit of apartments magnificently furnished. 
He past them lost in thought, till casting his eye on 
a sumptuous sideboard, where stood on a damask 
cloth, as a preparation for a showy entertainment, 
an invaluable collection of Venice glass, polished 
and formed to the highest degree of perfection, he 
took hold of a corner of the linen, and turning to a 
faithful English mastiff, who always accompanied 
him, said to the animal, in a kind of absence of mind, 
' There ! my poor old friend ! you see how these 
scoundrels enjoy themselves, and yet how we are 
treated !' The poor dog looked up in his master's 
face, and wagged his tail, as if he understood him. 
The master walked on, but the mastiff slackened his 
pace, and laying hold of the damask cloth with his 
teeth, at one hearty pull, brought all the sideboard 
in shivers to the ground, and deprived the insolent 
noble of his favourite exhibition of splendour. 

769. — Charles II. once said over his bottle, in his 
usual lively way, that he supposed some stupid pea- 
sant would write a nonsensical epitaph on him when 
he was gone — 'Now,' says his majesty, 'I should 
like to have something appropriate and witty — Ro- 
chester, let's have a touch of your pen on the subject.' 
— His lordship instantly obeyed the command, and 
produced the following : — 

• Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King, 

Whose word no man relied on ; 
Who never said a foolish thing, 

And never did a wise one/ 
For this keen effusion Rochester remained some time 
in disgrace. 

770. — An English stock-jobber, well known upon 
'Change as a man of unexampled parsimony, al- 
though possessed of an immense fortune, one day 



232 JOE MUTER. 

mel a very poor man, one of his relations. ' Corne 
hither, George,' said the miser, 'do you know 1 have 
just now made my will, and remembered you hand- 
somely, my boy.' — ' God bless you, brother,' said the 
grateful man, ' you will be rewarded for so charitable 
an action, for you could not have thought of a more 
distressed family.' — • Are you indeed so very poor, 
George V — * Sir, my family's starving,' said the man, 
almost crying. « Harkye, then, George, if you will 
allow me a good discount, I will pay you immedi- 
ately.' We need not add, that the terms were ac- 
cepted of, while they parted equally pleased with the 
bargain they had concluded. 

771. — The Marquis St. Andre* applied to Louvois, 
the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a small place 
then vacant. Louvois having received some com- 
plaints against the maiquis, refused to comply. The 
nobleman, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, 'If 
I were to enter again into the service, I know what 
I would do.' — ' And pray what would you do V in- 
quired the minister in a furious tone. St. Andre" 
recollected himself, and had the presence of mind to 
say, ' I would take care to behave in such a man- 
ner, that your excellency should have nothing to 
reproach me with.' Louvois, agreeably surprised at 
this reply, immediately granted his request. 

77-J. — Popi dining once with Frederic, Prince of 

Wales, p;iid the prince many compliments. ' I 

ler, Pope,' said the prince, ' that you, who are 

bould be so complaisant to inc.' 

— ' It is,' said tin; wily bard, « because I like the lion 

ire grown.' 

town of Chartres was besieged b$ 

Henry IV., and at last capitulated. The magistral 

of the town, on , addressed his 

majesty : — * This town belongs to your highness by 

divine law. and by human law.' — ' And by cannon 

law, too,' added Henry. 



iOP. M1LL.fr. 233 

774.— Burnet relates, that the Habeas Corpus 
act was carried by an odd artifice in the House of 
Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named to be 
the tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, 
was not at all times attentive ; so a very fat lord 
coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest 
at first ; -but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, 
he went on with this misreckoning of ten, and it was 
reported to the House, and declared, that they who 
were for the bill, were the majority, though it indeed 
went on the other side ; and by this means the bill 
passed. Would to heaven that all tricks had the 
same happy results ! 

775. — Whiston says, he was informed by Mr. 
Arthur Onslow, that it depended upon a single vote 
in the House of Commons, whether King James 
should be permitted to employ Popish officers in his 
army. The circumstance was this : a courtier, who 
was to watch every member that had any employ- 
ment under the king, observed one who had a regi- 
ment, -and was going to vote against the court : upon 
the discovery, he accosted him warmly, and put him 
in mind of his regiment ; to which the officer made 
answer, ■ My brother died last night, and left me 
seven hundred a-year ;' which single vote gained a 
majority, and, says Whiston, saved the Protestant 
religion at this time. 

776. — ' Mr. Pitt,' said the Duchess of Gordon, 
1 I wish you to dine with me at ten this evening.' — 
* I must decline the honour,' said the premier, ■ for 
I am engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at 
nine.' 

777. — Henry IV., having bestowed the cordon 
bleu on a nobleman, at the solicitation of the Duke 
de Xevers, when the collar was put on, the noble- 
man made the customary speech, ' Sire, I am not 
worthy.' — ' I know it well,' said the king, ' but I give 
you the order to please my cousin de Nevers.' 



234 JOE MILLER. 

778. — A facetious abb6 having engaged a box at 
the opera-house at Paris, was turned out of his pos- 
session by a marshal of France, as remarkable for 
his ungentlemanlike behaviour as for his cowardice 
and meanness. The abbe, for his unjustifiable breach 
of good manners, brought his action in a court of 
honour, and solicited permission to be his own ad- 
vocate, which was granted, when he pleaded to the 
following effect : — * It is not of Monsieur Suffrein, 
who acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I com- 
plain ; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took 
Minorca, that I complain ; it is not of the Comte de 
Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord Rodney, that I 

complain ; but it is of Marshal , who took my 

box at the opera-house, and never took any thing 
else.' This most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly 
convinced the court that he had already inflicted 
punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him 
a verdict — a fine compliment to the abbess wit. 

779. — Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to 
a friend about the antiquity of his family, which lie 
carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere 
mushroom of yesterday. ' How so, pray V said the 
baronet. — ' Why,' continued the other, ' when I was 
in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shewn 
to me : it filled up above five large skins of parch- 
ment, and near the middle of it was a note in the 
margin : — About this time the world was created.' 

780. — Wukn Queen Elizabeth proposed to Dr. 
Dale the employment of being her ambassador in 
Flanders, among other encouragements, she told him 
that he should have twenty shillings a day for his 
expenses. ' Then, madam,' said he, * T will spend 
nineteen shillings a day.' — ' And what will you do 
with the odd shilling?' asked the queen. — ' I will 
reserve that for ray Kate, and for Tom and Dick ;' 
meaning his wife and children. This induced the 
queen to enlarge his allowance. — During the dv/Ctors 



X>R MILLER. 235 

I*, abroad, he once sent, in a packet to the secre- 
taries of state, two letters, one to the queen and the 
«-ther to his wife ; but that which was intended for 
the queen was superscribed, * To his dear wife ;' and 
the other, ' For her most excellent majesty :' so that 
when the queen opened her letter, she found it be- 
ginning with ' Sweetheart,' and afterwards met with 
the expressions ' my dear,' and ' dear love,' and 
others of a like kind, acquainting her with the em- 
barrassed state of his circumstances. This mistake 
occasioned much mirth, but it procured the doctor a 
supply of money. 

The doctor being engaged with some other am- 
bassadors in a negotiation, a dispute arose concern- 
ing the language in which they should treat : the 
Spanish minister said that the French would be the 
most proper, ' Because,' said he to Dr. Dale, ' your 
mistress calls herself Queen of France.' — ' Nay, 
then,' said the doctor, ' let us treat in Hebrew, for 
your master calls himself King of Jerusalem.' 

781. — When Philip III., King of Spain, sent his 
ambassador to treat with the States of Holland about 
their independence, he was shewn into an ante- 
chamber, where he waited to see the members of the 
States pass by. He stood for some time, and seeing 
none but a parcel of plain-dressed men, with bun- 
dles in their hands (which, as many of them came 
from distant provinces, contained their linen and pro- 
visions), he turned to his interpreter, and asked him, 
1 When the States would come !' The man replied, 
* That those were the members whom he saw go by.' 
Upon which he wrote to the commander-in chief of 
the Spanish army, to advise the king, his master, to 
make peace as soon as possible. In his letter was 
this remarkable passage : — ' I expected to have seen 
in the States a splendid appearance ; but instead oC 
that, I saw only a parcel of plain dr*ssed men, with 
sensible faces, who came into council with provisions 



236 JOE MILLKR. 

in their hands. Their parsimony will ruin the king, 
my master, in the course of the war, if it is conti- 
nued ; for there is no contending with people whose 
nobles can live upon a shilling a-day, and will do 
every thing for the service of their country.' The 
king, struck with the account, agreed to treat with 
them, as an independent state, and put an end to 
the war. 

782. — Sir Fulk Greville, was a member of the 
House of Commons when that body insisted much 
upon the value of precedents. ' Why,' said he, • do 
you stand so much upon precedents? The times here- 
after will be good or bad. If good, precedents will 
do no harm ; if bad, power will make a way where it 
finds none/ 

— The good humoured Baron Thompson was 
once in a convivial party, at which several gentlemen 
ranking high in the legal profession were present. 
Much wine had been drank, and the company had 
been highly entertained by the facetious Henry W — , 
whose elegant and refined wit charmed all his hear- 
ers. He had given imitations of some of the barris- 
ters and most of the judges, and the baron's mirth 
and applause were particularly loud. ' There is one 

other person, Mr. W ,' said the judge, ' whose 

manner I should like to see imitated.' — ' Who is that, 
my lord?' — '.Myself, Sir.' — 'Oh, my lord, that is 
quite out of the question, present company are al- 
ways '.' — 'Why, Sir, if you will try your 
myself I slmil be obliged to you/ After 

iderable persuasion, W drew himself up 

in liis chair, and blowing out his cheeks, presented 
to his auditors a complete duplicate of the Baron. 
A burst of applause immediately followed, in which 
natured judge heartily joined. The imi- 
tator apparently unmoved, proceeded in a charge to 
the grand jury, closely imitating the voice and man- 
of the judge. ' Law is law, and men are made 



JOB MILLER. 2 

to live according to law, without any respect for the 
gospel ; for that is another thing, to be considered 
at another time, in another place, and by another 
set of men, vide Coke upon Littleton, chap. ii. p. 
312. Now, there are some men that are good men, 
and some men that are bad men, and the bad men 
are not the good men, and the good men are not the 
bad men ; but the bad men and the good men, and 
the good men and the bad men, are two different 
sorts of men ; and this we may glean from Magna 
Charter, an old man, who lived in the reign of King 
John the Wise. Therefore, the law is made for the 
bad men, and the gnod men have nothing to do therewith, 
nor any profit or advantage to derive therefrom — 
therefore, bring up the prisoners, and hang them, 
for I must go out of town to-morrow.' 

784. — Philip, the father of Alexander, knowing 
his son to be very swift, pressed him to run for the 
prize at the Olympic games. 4 1 would comply with 
your wishes,' replied Alexander, 'if kings were to 
be my competitors.' 

785. — Lord Armadale, one of the Scotch judges, 
had a son, who, at the age of eleven or twelve, rose 
to the rank of a major. One morning his lady-mother 
hearing a noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause 
of it. ' It is only,' said the servant, ' the major 
greeting (crying) for his porridge !' 

786.— Henry VIII., after the death of Jane Sey- 
mour, had some difficulty to get another wife. His 
first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan ; 
but her answer is said to have been, — that she had 
but one head ; if she had two, one should have been 
at his service. 

787. — Sir Wm. Gooch being engaged in conver- 
sation with a gentleman in a street of the city of 
Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro, who 
was passing by about his master's business. ' Sir 
William,' said the gentleman, ' do you descend so 



C31 JOE MI LI F.R. 

far as to saline a slave V — ■ Why, yes,' replied the' 
governor ; ' I cannot suffer a man of his condition to 
exceed me in good manners.' 

788. — John Basilowitz, the czar of Russia, per- 
ceiving Sir Jeremy Bowes, the ambassador of Queen 
Elizabeth, with his hat on in his presence, thus re- 
buked him : ' Have you not heard, Sir, of the per 
son I have punished for such an insult V He had, 
in fact, punished him very savagely, by causing his 
hat to be struck through with a nail, and thus fas- 
tened to his head. Sir Jeremy answered, ' Yes, 
Sire, but I am the Queen of England's ambassador, 
who never yet stood bareheaded to any prince what- 
ever : her I represent, and on her justice I depend 
to do me right, if I am insulted.' — ' A brave fellow 
this,' said the czar, turning to his nobles ; ' a brave 
fellow truly, who dares thus to act and talk for his 
sovereign's honour! Which of you would do so 
for me V 

789. — Lord Hunsdox, a distinguished nobleman 
in the court of Elizabeth, once said, ' To have the 
courage to notice an affront is to be upon a level 
with an adversary : to have the charity to forgive it, 
is to be above him.' 

790. — It was some years ago said in the Parlia- 
ment-house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman, who 
was notorious for a pretty good appetite, had eaten 
away his senses. * Poh !' replied Harry Erskine, 
* they would not be a mouthful to a man of his 
bowels. 1 

791. — Mb. Carbonsl, the wine-merchant, who 
served George the Third, was a great favourite with 
the good old king, and was admitted to the honours 
of the royal hunt. Returning from the chase one 
day, his majesty entered, in his usual affable man- 
ner, into conversation with him, riding side by side 
with him, for some distance. Lord Walsingham 
was in attendance, and watching an opportunity, 



JOE M1LLKR. 239 

whispere 1 to Mr. Carbonel, that he had not once 
taken his hat oft' before his majesty. ' What's that, 
what's that, Walsingham?' inquired the good-hu- 
moured monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, ' I 
find I have been guilty of unintentional disrespect 
to your majesty, in not taking off my hat ; but your 
majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt 
my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my 
head, and I am on the back of a high-spirited horse ; 
so that if any thing goes of\ we must all go off to- 
gether f* The king laughed heartily at this whimsi- 
cal apologv. 

792. — Whfn Fenelon was almoner to the king, 
and attending Louis XIV. at a sermon preached by 
a Capuchin, he fell asleep. The Capuchin perceived 
it, and breaking oft' his discourse, said, 4 Awake, thou 
sleeping Abbe, who comest here only to pay thy 
court to the king ;' an anecdote which he often re- 
lated with pleasure after he was Bishop of Cambray. 
At another time the king was astonished to find, in- 
stead of a numerous congregation in his chapel, only 
Fenelon and the priest. ' What is the reason of all 
this ?' said the king. ■ I caused it to be given ou^ 
Sire,' replied Fenelon, ■ that your majesty did not 
attend chapel to-day, that you might know who came 
to worship God, and who to flatter the king.' 

793. — Henry the Eighth hunting in W r indsor 
Forest, struck down about dinner to the abbey of 
Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the 
royal guards, he was invited to the abbot's table. A 
sirloin was set before him, of which he ate as lustily 
as any beef-enter. ' Well fare thy heart,' quoth the 
abbot : ■ and here in a cup of sack I remember the 
health of his grace your master. I would give a 
hundred pounds that I could feed on beef as hearty as 
you do. Alas ! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely 
digest the wing of a chicken.' The king heartily 
pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer, and 



240 JOE MILLER. 

departed undiscovered. Shortly afterwards the abbot 
was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed 
on bread and water, ignorant of the cause, and terri- 
fied at his situation. At last, a sirloin of beef was 
set before him, on which his long hunger made him 
feed voraciously. ' My lord abbot,' exclaimed the 
king, entering from a private closet, ' instantly de- 
posit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I 
have been your physician ; and here, as I deserve 
it, I demand my fee.' The abbot would willingly 
have paid the sum, but Henry, laughing loudly, put 
him aside on that point, and left him to enjoy his 
improved powers of digestion in peace and quiet- 
ness. 

794. — A certain noble lord being in his early 
years much addicted to dissipation, his mother ad- 
vised him to take example by a gentleman, whose 
food was herbs, and his drink water. ' What ! 
dam,' said he, ' would you have me to imitate a man 
who eats like a bead and drinks like ajish ? 

795. — A young lady of Brunswick, an attendant 
on the late duchess, mortified that, from her negh i 
education, she was precluded from joining in the lite- 
rary conversations which were frequently introduced 
at that court, requested her royal mistress to furnish 
her with such books as might enable her to remedy 
this defect Her royal highness, smiling, banded 
her a Dictionary ; and m ed heT how she 

liked it. ' Oh ! it is delij lid the fair stu- 

dent : ' t(. which I li 

ether, that one 
- not know what to make of them ; but here it is 
quite a pleasure to see them all drawn up in order, 
like de.' 

79o. — Charms the Second asked Bishop Stilling- 
fleet, how it happened that he preached in general 
without book, but a i the sermons which 

he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, 



JOE MILLER. 9.41 

that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise 
a prince made him afraid to trust himself. ' But 
will your majesty,' continued he, ' permit me to ask 
you a question in mv turn — Why do you read your 
speeches to parliament?' — 'Why, doctor/ replied 
the king, ■ I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked 
them so often for money, that 1 am ashamed to look 
them in the face !' 

797. — The republic of Genoa having irritated 
Louis XIV., were forced to send to France an em- 
bassy to appease him, in the unexampled selection 
of the doge himself, and four senators. The doge 
was conducted, among other places, to Versailles, 
then in all its glory — which he could not but greatly 
admire : but when he was asked, what struck him most 
in this extraordinary spot ; he answered, ■ To see 
myself there.' 

798. — When all the court were sliding upon the 
Seine, which was frozen over, Henri (^uatre wished 
also to join them. One of his courtiers wished to 
prevent him. ' The others are skating,' said the 
king. ■ Ah, Sire,' replied the courtier, ■ but you are 
of greater weight than the others.' 

799. — Sir Joseph Williamson, secretary of state 
to Charles the Second, wrote to the Lady Anne, widow 
of the Earl of Dorset and Pembroke, to ask her for 
the nomination of a member for the borough of Ap- 
pleby. The countess, with all the spirit of her 
ancestors, returned the following laconic reply : — 
' I have been bullied by an usurper, I have been 
neglected by a court, but I will not be dictated to 
by a subject ; your man sha'n't stand. 

1 Anne Dorset.' 

800. — At the commencement of the American 
rar, Mr. Grenville, then in power, wishing to know 
'j^w the Quaker-colonists stood affected, sent a mes- 
sage to Dr. Fothergill, intimating that he was indis- 
posed, and desiring to see hhn in the evening. The 
fit 



242 joe mii.i.i:r. 

doctor came, and his patient immediately entering 
on the popular topic of American, affairs, drew from 
him the information he wanted. The conversation 
held through a large portion of the evening, and it 
was concluded by Mr. Grenville saying, he found 
himself so much better for the doctor's visit, that he 
would not trouble him to prescribe. In parting, 
Mr. Grenville slipt five guineas into the doctor's 
hand, which Fothergill surveying, said with a dry, 
arch tone, ' At this rate, friend, I will spare thee an 
hour now and then !' 

801. — Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, 
feeling it extremely cold, instinctively drew his chair 
very close to the grate, in which a fire had been re- 
cently lighted. By degrees, the fire being completely 
kindled, Sir Isaac felt the heat intolerably intense, 
and rung his bell with unusual violence. John was 
not at hand ; he at last made his appearance, by the 
time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. ' Remove 
rate, you lazy rascal !' exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a 
tone of irritation very uncommon with that amiable 
and placid philosopher, ' remove the grate, ere I am 
burned to death !' — ' Please your honour, might you 
not rather draw hack your chair V said John, a little 
waggishly. * Upon my word,' said Sir Isaac, smiling, 
ver thought of that.' 

poral of the life guards of Frederirk 
the Great, who had a great deal of vanity, but at the 
a brave fellow, wore a watch-chain, 
to which 1"' affixed a musket bullet, instead of a 
ch, which he was unable to buy. The king being 
inclined one day to rally him, said, ' A piogos, cor- 
il, you must have been very frugal to buy a watch ; 
it is six o'clock by mine : tell me what it is by yours.' 
The soldier, wfc the king's intention, in- 

ly drew the bullet from his lob, and said, ' Sire, 
niv watch neither marks five nor six o'clock ; but it 
at that it is my duty to die for 



JOB MILLER. 243 

your majesty.' — ' Here, my friend,' said the king, 
quite affected, ■ take this watch, that you may be able 
to tell the hour also.' And gave him his watch, which 
was adorned with brilliants. 

803. — The late Duchess of York having desired 
her house-keeper to seek out a new laundress, a de- 
cent looking woman was recommended to the situa- 
tion. ' But,' said the house-keeper, ' I am afraid 
she will not suit your royal highness, as she i^ a 
soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose 
characters!' — ' What is it you say?' said the duke, 
who had just entered the room, ' a soldier's wire ! 
Pray, madam, what is your mistress ? I desire that 
the woman may be immediately engaged.' 

804. — The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most 
absent of men. Soon after he set up his carriage, he 
had occasion to pay a visit to the lord-mayor. \\ hen 
he went the weather was fine ; but he was detained 
by business till a violent shower of rain came on. 
Being let out of the mansion-house by a different 
door from that at which he had entered, he imme- 
diately began to call for a hackney-coach. Not one 
could be procured ; on which Hogarth sallied forth 
to brave the storm, and actually reached his house 
in Leicester-fields without bestowing a thought on 
his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished to 
see him so wet and hurried, asked him where he had 
left it. 

805. — At a city feast one of the company was ex- 
patiating on the blessings of Providence. ■ Aye,' 
said the late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips, 
1 it is a blessed place, sure enough ; we get all our 
turtle from it.' 

806. — As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire 
was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, 
who was accidentally standing by, and was about to 
regale himself with his accustomed whifTof tobaceo, 
caught a glance of her countenance, and instantly 



244 JOE MILLER. 

exclaimed, ■ Love and bless you, my lady, let me light 
my pipe in your eyes V It is said the duchess was so 
delighted with this compliment, that she frequently 
afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was 
so constantly offered to her charms, by saying, • Oh ! 
after the dustman's compliment, all others are insipid.' 

807. — When Bajazet, after his defeat, was carried 
into the presence of Timur Lench, that is, Timur the 
Lame, vulgarly Timurlane ; on perceiving that Ba- 
jazet had but one eye, Timur burst into loud laugh- 
ter. The Turk, who could ill brook any incivility, 
said fiercely, ' You may deride my misfortunes, Timur, 
but remember they might have happened to yourself. 
The disposal of kingdoms is in the hands of God, 
and their states depend on his will.' Timur replied 
with equal haughtiness, ' I agree with your observa- 
tion : — 1 did not laugh at your misfortune, but at a 
reflection that just occurred to my mind — how little 
value thrones and sceptres possess in the judgment 
of God ; who has taken a kingdom from a man with 
one eye, to give it to another with one leg.' 

808. — Admiral Kkppbl being sent to Algiers for 
the purpose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries 
done to his Britannic majesty's subjects by the cor- 
- of that state, the dey, enraged at the boldness 
of the ambassador, exclaimed, ' that he wondered at 
the insolence of the English monarch, in sending him 
a message by a foolish beardless boy.' The admiral 
immediately replied, that ' if his master had supposed 
his wisdom was to be measured by the length of his 
beard, he would have sent his deyship a he goat.' 
Unused to such spirited language, this reply put the 
reside himself, and forgetting the laws of nations, 
ordered his mutes to attend with the bow-string, 
saying, that the admiral should pay for his audacity 
his life. Unmoved by this menace, the ambas- 
sador took the dey to a window facing the bay, and 
showing him the English fleet, told him that if it 



JOE BlILLBft. $45 

were Ms pleasure to put him to death, there were 
Englishmen enough in that fleet to make him a glo- 
rious funeral pile. The dey was wise enough to take 
the hint ; the admiral came off in safety, and ample 
restitution was made. 

809. — Whin Spenser had finished his famous 
poem of the Fairy Queen, he carried it to the Earl of 
Southampton, the great patron of the poets of that 
day. The manuscript being sent up to the earl, he 
read a few pages, and then ordered his servant to 
give the writer twenty pounds. Reading on, he cried 
in a rapture, ' Carry that man another twenty pounds.' 
Proceeding farther, he exclaimed, ' Give him twenty 
pounds more.' But at length he lost all patience, 
and said, ' Go, turn that fellow out of the house, for 
if I read farther, I shall be ruined.' 

810. — A young woman had laid a wager she would 
descend into a vault, in the middle of the night, and 
bring from thence a skull. The person who took the 
wager had previously hid himself in the vault, and 
as the girl seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, 
• Leave me my head !' — 'There it is,' said the girl, 
throwing it down and catching up another. ■ Leave 
me my head!' said the same voice. 'Nay, nay,' 
said the heroic lass, ' you cannot have had two heads:' 
so brought the skull and won the wager. 

81 1. — In some parish-churches it is the custom to 
separate the men from the women. A clergyman, 
being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short ; 
when a woman, eager for the honour of her sex, arose 
and said, ' Your reverence, the noise is not among 
us.' — ' So much the better,' answered the priest, * it 
will be the sooner over.*^ 

812. — Alexander the Great, passing through 
Corinth, had the curiosity to go to see the philoso- 
pher Diogenes, who was there at that time. He 
found him seated in a covered tub, with the open 
part turned towards the sun. ■ I am the great King 



216 JOB MILLEft. 

Alexander,' said lie to the philosopher. ■ And I am 
the dog Diogenes/ replied the philosopher. ■ I am 
a good man,' said Alexander. 4 Well, who has any 
reason to fear the good V replied Diogenes. Alex- 
ander admired the subtlety of his mind, and the free 
manner in which he spoke. After having some con- 
versation with him, he said to him, ■ I see, Diogenes, 
that you are in want of many things : I shall be very 
glad to give you my assistance. Ask of me whatever 
you please.' — ' Get then from between me and the 
sun (said he), and do not take from me that which 
you cannot give me.' Alexander was astonished, 
having never before met with any man who was above 
all human concerns. ' Who is the richer man (con- 
tinued Diogenes), he who is contented with his cloak 
and his wallet, or he who having an extensive king- 
dom, is not satisfied, and who every day exposes 
himself to a thousand dangers to extend its limits ?' 
Alexander's courtiers were very angry, that so great 
a king should so long honour with his conversation 
such a surly wretch as Diogenes, who did not even 
rise from his seat while he spoke to him. The king 
perceived their anger, and turning about said to 
them, ' If I were not Alexander I would wish to be 
Diogenes.' 

814. — Lonn Mansfield, on making a report to 
King George 111. of the conviction of Mr. Malowny, 
a catholic priest, who was found guilty, in Surrey, 
of celebrating mass, was induced, by a sense of rea- 
son and humanity, to represent to his majesty the ex- 
ive severity of the penalty which the law imposed 
for the offence. The King, in a tone of the most 
heartfelt benignity, immediately answered, • God for- 
bid, my lord, that religious difference in opinion 
should sanction prosecution, or admit of one man 
within my realms to suffer unjustly ! therefore, issue 
a pardon for Mr. Malowny, and see that he is set at 
liberty.' 



JOB MILLER. 247 

814. — Wnrv Oliver Cromwell, accompanied by 
his secretary Thurlow, once went to dine with the 
Lord Mayor, the populace rent the air with their 
gratulations, and the streets echoed with ■ Long live 
my Lord Protector !' — ' Your Highness,' said the se- 
cretary, ■ may see by this that you have the voice 
of the people, as well as the voice of God.' — ' As to 
God,' replied Cromwell, ' we will not talk about him 
here ; but for the people they would be just as noisy, 
and perhaps more rejoiced, if you and I were going 
to be hanged.' 

815. — When Moliere, the comic poet, died, the 
Archbishop of Paris would not let his body be buried 
in consecrated ground. The king, being informed 
of this, sent for the archbishop, and expostulated 
with him about it ; but, finding the prelate inflexibly 
obstinate, his majesty asked, how many feet deep 
the consecrated ground reached ? This question com- 
ing by surprise, the archbishop replied, about eight. 
' Well,' answered the king, ' 1 find there's no getting 
the better of your scruples, therefore, let his grave 
be dug twelve feet deep, that's four below your con- 
secrated ground, and let him be buried there.' 

816. — Dr. Johnson, in his tour through North 
Wales, passed two days at the seat of Colonel Mid- 
dleton of Gwynagag. While he remained there, 
the gardener caught a hare amidst some potatoe 
plants, and brought it to his master, then engaged 
in conversation with the doctor. An order was given 
to carry it to the cook. As soon as Johnson heard 
this sentence, he begged to have the animal placed in 
his arms ; which was no sooner done, than, approach- 
ing the window, then half open, he restored the hare 
to her liberty, shouting after her to accelerate her 
speed. ' What have you done V cried the colonel ; 
1 why, doctor, you have robbed my table of a delicacy, 
perhaps deprived us of a dinner.' — ' So much the 
better, Sir,' replied the humane champion of a con- 



248 JOB WILIER, 

demned hare ; ' for if your table is to be supplied 
at the expense of the laws of hospitality, I envy not 
the appetite of him who eats it. This, Sir, is not a 
hdiTeferct nature, but one which had placed herself 
under your protection ; and savage indeed must be 
that man who does not make his hearth an asylum 
for the confiding stranger.' 

817. — When Cortez returned to Spain, he was 
coolly received by the emperor, Charles the Fifth. 
One day he suddenly presented himself to that mo- 
narch. ' Who are you V said the emperor, haughtily. 
' The man,' said Cortez, as haughtily, ' who has 
given you more provinces than your ancestors left 
you cities/ 

818. — James I. being one day at play, with a fel- 
low-pupil, his tutor, Buchanan, who was reading, 
jlesired them to make less noise. Finding that they 
disregarded his admonition, he told his majesty, if 
he did not hold his tongue, he would certainly whip 
him. The king, alluding to the fable, replied, he 
would be glad to see who would bell the cat, Bu- 
chanan, in a passion, threw the book from him, and 
inflicted on his majesty a sound flogging. The old 
Countess of Mar rushed into the room, and, taking 
the king in her arms, asked how he dared to lay 
his hands on the Lord's anointed. ■ Madam,' replied 
the elegant and immortal historian, ' I have whipped 
his bottom : you may kiss it, if you please.' When 
Buchanan was asked how he came to make a pedant 
of his royal pupil, he aswered — He thought he did a 
great deal to make any thing of him. 

819. — Among the addresses presented upon the 
accession of James the First, was one from the an- 
cient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might 
reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. 
1 Faith, mon,' said the king to the person who pre- 
sented it, ' if I do, my son must reign by candle- 
light/ — When the same monarch went to Salisbury, 



JOE MILLER. 249 

one of the active adventurers of those days climbed 
up the outside of the spire of the cathedral, and at the 
top made three summersets in honour of his Majesty ; 
who, being applied to for a levvard, gave him a patent, 
whereby every other of his subjects, except the afore- 
said man, and his heirs male, was prohibited from 
climbing steeples for ever. 

820. — This monarch, soon after his accession to 
the English throne, was present in a court of justice, 
to obseive the pleadings in a cause of some conse- 
quence. The counsel for the plaintiff having finished , 
the king was so perfectly satisfied, that he exclaimed, 
1 'Tis a plain case !' and was about to leave the court. 
Being persuaded, however, to stay and hear the 
other side of the question, the pleaders for the de- 
fendant made the case no less plain on their side. 
On this the monarch arose and departed in a great 
passion, exclaiming, ' They are all rogues alike.' 

821. — Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained 
a severe defeat at Coslin in the war of 1755. Some 
time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a soldier, 
who had got a deep cut in his cheek, ' Friend, at what 
alehouse did you get that scratch V — ' I got it,' said 
the soldier, ' at Coslin, where your majesty paid the 
reckoning.' 

822. — Several years since, the bargemen of His 
Majesty's ship Berwick, then at Spithead, quar- 
relled with the bargemen of the ship which Admiral 
Milbank then commanded as captain, and the latter 
were heartily drubbed, to the no small mortification 
of the admiral, who was in his younger days exceed- 
ingly athletic, and somewhat addicted to boxing. 
A few days after, the admiral called the boat's crew 
together, upbraided them for a set of cowards, dress- 
ed himself in a common jacket and trowsers, and 
observing the Berwick's barge rowing ashore to 
Portmouth beach, ordered his own to be immediately 
manned: and thus disguised, took an oar as one of 
M 2 



250 JOE MILLB*. 

the crew. The coxswain, as particularly directed, 
run the head of his barge against the Berwick's barge 
quarter ; in consequence of which a broadside of 
oaths were given and returned, which produced a 
challenge to fight with more substantial weapons. 
The admiral, as champion of his crew, beat the whole 
of the other barge's crew, one after the other (eleven 
in number), to the great joy and admiration of his 
sailors, and then making himself known, went and 
visited his friends in Portsmouth, as if nothing had 
happened. 

8'J3. — When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was 
landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson's coxswain was 
very active in conveying it to the ambassador's hotel. 
Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the 
man with a moidore, said, ' Now, my friend, what 
will you have to drink?' — 'Why, please your honour,' 
said the coxswain, 'I'm not thirsty.' — 'But,' said 
her Ladyship, ■ Nelson's steersman must drink with 
me, so what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, 
or a glass of punch V — * Why,' said Jack, ' as I am 
to drink with your Ladyship's honour, it wouldn't be 
good manners to be backward, so Pll take the dram 
now, and will be drinking the glass of grog, while 
your Ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch 
for me.' 

824. — A Scotch pedestrian attacked by three high- 
waymen defended himself with great courage and 
tinacy, but was at last overpowered, and his 
pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the ex- 
traordinary resistance they had experienced, to lay 
their hands on some rich booty ; but were not a little 
surprised to discover, that the whole treasure which 
the sturdy Caledonian bad been defending at the 
hazard of his lit. d of no more than a crooked 

sixpence : ' The deuce is in him,' said one of the 
rogues ; ■ if he had had eighteen-pence, I suppose 
he would have killed the whole of us.' 



JOE MILLER. 2.51 

825. — In the engagement between the English 
fleet under the Duke of Albemarle, and the Dutch 
fleet, commanded by De Ruyter and Van Tromp, 
the Henry, commanded by Sir John Harman, was 
surrounded and assailed from all quarters by the 
Zealand squadron : so that admiral Evertzen, who 
commanded it, hailed and offered him quarter. ■ No, 
Sir,' said the gallant officer, 4 it is not come to that 
yet.' The next broadside killed the Dutch admiral, 
by which means the squadron was thrown into con- 
fusion, and obliged to quit the Henry ; but the 
Dutch sent three fire-ships to burn her. One of 
them grappled her starboard quarter, but the smoke 
was too thick to discern where the grappling irons 
had hooked, until the blaze had subsided, when the 
boatswain resolutely jumped on board, disentangled 
the irons, and instantly regained his own ship. 
Scarcely was this effected, before another fire-ship 
boarded her on the larboard side ; the sails and 
ging of the Henry taking the destruction se< 
inevitable, and several of the crew threw themselves 
into the sea ; upon which Sir John Harman drew 
his sword, and threatened to kill any one who should 
quit the ship. At length, the exertions of the re- 
maining crew extinguished the flames. Sir John 
Harman, although his leg was broken, continued on 
deck, giving directions, and sunk another fire-ship, 
which was bearing down upon him. In this crippled 
state he got into Harwich, and repaired the damages 
his ship had sustained. 

826. — The hero of this little narrative was a Hot- 
tentot, of the name of Von Wyhk, and we give the 
story of his perilous and fearful shot in his own 
words : 'It is now,' said he, ' more than two years 
since in the very place where we stand, 1 ventured 
to take one of the most daring shots that ever was 
hazarded : my wife was sitting- in the house noar 
the door, the children weie playing about her. I 



252 JOE MILLER. 

was without, near the honse busied in doing some- 
thing to a waggon, when suddenly, though it was 
mid-day, an enormous lion appeared, came up, and 
laid himself quietly down in the shade upon the very 
threshold of the door. My wife, either frozen with 
fear or aware of the danger attending any attempt to 
fly, remained motionless in her place, while the 
children took refuge in her lap. The cry they ut- 
tered attracted my attention, and I hastened towards 
the door ; but my astonishment may be well con- 
ceived, when I found the entrance barred in such a 
manner. Although the animal had not seen me, es- 
cape, unarmed as I was, appeared impossible. Yet 
I glided gently, scarcely knowing what I meant to 
do, to the side of the house, up to the window of my 
chamber, where 1 knew my loaded gun was standing. 
By a happy chance, I had set it in a corner close 
by the window, so that I could reach it with my 
hand: for as you may perceive, the opening is too 
small to admit of my having got in ; and still more 
fortunately, the door of the room was open, so that 
I could see the whole danger of the scene. The lion 
was beginning to move, perhaps with the intention 
of making a spring ; there was no longer any time to 
think ; 1 called softly to the mother not to be afraid, 
and, invoking the name of the Lord, fired my piece. 
The ball passed directly over my boy's head, and 
lodged in the forehead of the lion immediately above 
his eyes, which shot forth as it were sparks of fire, 
and stretched him on the ground, so that he never 
stirred more. 1 

827. — Baron D'Adrets occasionally made his 
prisoners throw themselves headlong, from the bat- 
tlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his sol- 
diers. One of these unfortunate persons having ap- 
proached the battlements twice, without venturing 
to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of 
courage, in a very insulting manner. * Why, Sir/ 



JOE MILLER. 263 

said the prisoner, ■ bold as you are, I would give 
you five limes before you took the leap.' This plea- 
santry saved the poor fellow's life. 

828. — George II. passing through his chamber 
one evening, preceded by a single page, a small 
canvas bag of guineas, which he held in his hand, 
accidentally dropped, and one of them rolled under 
a closet door, in which wood was usually kept for 
the use of his bed-chamber. After the king had 
very deliberately picked up the money, he found 
himself deficient of a guinea ; and, guessing where 
it went, ' Come,' said he to the page, ' we must find 
this guinea; here, help me to throw out the wood.' 
The page and he accordingly went to work, and in 
a short time found it. 4 Well, 1 said the king, 'you 
have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your la- 
bour, but I would have nothing lost.' 

8'29. — Dean Swift knew an old woman of the 
name of Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to 
drinking. Though frequently admonished by him, 
he one day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with 
a bundle of sticks, with which, being in her old way, 
she had tumbled in. The dean, after severely re- 
buking her, asked her, ■ Where she thought of going 
to?' (meaning after her death.) ■ I'll tell you, Sir/ 
said she, ' if you'll help me up.' When he had as- 
sisted her, and repeated his question — ' W r here do I 
think of going to V said she, ■ where the best liquor 
is, to be sure.' 

830. — A Jew, who was condemned to be hanged, 
was brought to the gallows, and was just on the 
point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. 
Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he 
would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to 
see his two fellow-prisoners hanged ; and being asked, 
why he did not get about his business, he said, ' He 
waited to see if he could bargain with Maister Ketsch 
for the two gentlemen's clothes.' 



254 JO* MILLER. 

831. — An English drummer having strolled from 
the camp, approached the French lines, and befoie 
he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried 
before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, 
disguised in a drummer's uniform. On being ques- 
tioned, however, he honestly told the truth, and de- 
clared who and what he was. This not gaining 
credit, a drum was sent for, and he was desired to 
beat a couple of marches, which he readily perform- 
ed, and thus removed the Frenchman's suspicion of 
his assuming a fictitious character. ■ But, my lad,' 
said he, ■ let me now hear you beat a retreat.' — ' A 
retreat !' replied the drummer ; ■ I don't know what 
it is, nor is it known in the English service V The 
French officer was so pleased with this spirited re- 
mark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter 
of recommendation to his general. 

832. — An old woman that sold ale, being at 
church, fell asleep during the sermon, and unluckily 
let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which, mak- 
ing a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, ' So, 
you jade, there's another jug broke !' 

833. — Admiral Blake, when a captain, was 
sent with a small squadron to the West Indies, on a 
secret expedition against the Spanish settlements. 
It happened, in an engagement, that one of his ships 
blew up, which damped the spirits of his crew ; but 
Blake, who was not to be subdued by one unsuccess- 
ful occurrence, called out to his men, ' Well, my 
lads, you have seen an P^nglish ship blown up ; and 
now let's see what figure a Spanish one will make in 
the same situation.' This well timed harangue raised 
their spirits immediately, and in less than an hour he 
set his antagonist on fire. ' There, my lads,' said he, 
1 I knew we should have our revenge soon. 1 

B54. - Win v Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at 
the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence 
for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and 



JOE MILLER. 256 

sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine : 'I am determined 
to plead my cause myself.' Mr. Erskine wrote under 
it : * If you do.you'Ji be hang'd :' to which Thelwall 
immediately returned this reply : ' I'll be hang'd, then, 
if I do.' 

855. — Chateavneuf, keeper of the seals of Louis 
XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, was asked 
many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt 
answers to them all. At length the prelate said, ' I 
will give you an orange if you will tell me where 
God is?' — ' My lord,' replied the boy, ' I will give 
you two oranges, if you will tell me whore he is not.' 

836. — During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a 
young lieutenant of marines was so unfortunate as to 
lose both his legs by a chain-shot, In this miserable 
and helpless condition he was conveyed to England, 
and a memorial of his case presented to an honour- 
able board ; but nothing more than half-pay could 
be obtained. Major Manson had the poor lieutenant 
conducted to court on a public day, in his uniform ; 
where, posted in the ante-room, and supported by 
two of his brother officers, he cried out, as the king, 
George I., was passing to the drawing-room, ' Behold, 
great sire, a man who refuses to bend his knee to you ; 
he has lost both in your service.' The king, struck no 
less by the singularity of his address, than by the 
melancholy object before him, stopped, and hastily 
demanded what had been done for him. ' Half-pay,' 
replied the lieutenant, ' and please your majesty.' 
— * Fye, fye on't,' said the king, shaking his head ; 
' but let me see you again next levee-day.' The lieu- 
tenant did not fail to appear, when he received from 
the immediate hand of royalty a present of five hun- 
dred pounds, and an annuity of two hundred pounds 
a-year for life. 

837. — A clergyman preaching some time ago, in 
the neighbourhood of Wapping, observing that most 
of his audience were in the sea-faring way, embel- 



256 joe mili.ru. 

lishetl his discourse with several nautical tropes 
and figures. Amongst other things, he advised 
them to be ever ' on the watch, so that on whatever 
tack the devil should bear down upon them, he 
might be crippled in the action.' — 'Ay, master,' cried 
a jolly son of Neptune, ' but let me tell you, that 
will depend on your having the weather-gauge of 
him.' 

838. — Every one has heard of the brave Mac- 
pherson, who, with his trusty ferrara, mowed down 
whole ranks of the Gallic foe, in that memorable 
battle where the immortal Wolfe expired in the arms 
of victory ! His captain, who had marked the incre- 
dible valour of the gallant Caledonian, saw him, 
after the fate of the glorious day was decided, set 
himself down by a heap of Frenchmen slain by his 
valiant arm, wipe the dust and sweat from his sun- 
burnt brow, and refresh himself with a hearty pinch 
from his snuff-mill. The king, on the regiment's 
return to Britain, expressed a desire to see this brave 
old Highlander, who being introduced by his captain, 
his Majesty presented his hand to Donald to kiss: 
honest Donald, unacquainted with the ceremonial 
of courts, and thinking the king asked him for a pinch 
of snuff, clapped his horn into the monarch's fist, 
accompanied with a hearty squeeze. The king 
Jaughed heartily, accepted of a pinch, made Donald 
a lieutenant, and gave him half- pay for life. 

839. — Some years ago, Dr. Warner happened to 
be in a stationer's shop, when a member of the House 

• me in to purehase a hundred pi 
for six shillings. W hen he was gone, the doctor 
exclaimed, ' Oh ! the luxury of the age ! Six shil- 
lings for a hundred pens! Why, it never cost me 
sixpence for pens in all my life.' — * That is somewhat 
rery surprising, doctor,' said the stationer, r for your 
writings are very voluminous.' — * 1 declare,' replied 
the doctor, ' I wrote my Ecclesiastical History, two 



JOE MILLER. 257 

volumes in folio, and my Dissertation on the Book 
of Common Prayer, a large folio, first and corrected 
copies, with one single pen : it was an old one be- 
fore I began, and it is not now worn out that I have 
finished.' — This relation was spread about, and the 
merits of this pen esteemed so highly, that a cer- 
tain Countess begged the doctor to make her a pre- 
sent of it : he did so, and her ladyship had a gold 
case made, with a short history of the pen wrought 
upon it, and placed it in her cabinet of curiosities. 

840. — An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's 
fleet, asking one of the captains, who was gallantly 
bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had 
reckoned the number of the enemy ? ' No,' replied 
the captain, • it will be time enough to do that, when 
we have made them strike.' 

841. — That laughter is by no means an unequi- 
vocal symptom of a merry heart, there is a remark- 
able anecdote of Carlini, the drollest buffoon ever 
known on the Italian stage at Paris. A French phy- 
sician being consulted by a person who was subject 
to the most gloomy fits of melancholy, advised his 
patient to mix in scenes of gaiety, and particularly, 
to frequent the Italian theatre : ' And,' said he, ' if 
Carlini does nor dispel your gloomy complaint, your 
case must be desperate indeed !' — ' Alas, Sir,' replied 
the patient, * I myself am Carlini, but while I divert 
all Paris with mirth, and make them almost die with 
laughter, I am myself actually dying with chagrin 
and melancholy !' Immoderate laughter, like the 
immoderate use of strong cordials, gives only a tem- 
porary appearance of cheerfulness, which is soon 
terminated by an increased depression of spirits. 

842. — Lord Camelford entering one evening a 
coffee-house in Conduit-street, meanly attired, as he 
often was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the 
day. Soon after came in a dashing fellow, s.Jirst-rate 
blood, who threw himself into the opposite seat of 



JOK Mill T.U. 

the same box with him, and in a .nost consequential 
tone bawled out, ' Waiter ! bring me a pint of Ma- 
deira, and a couple of wax candles, and put them 
into the next box.' lie then drew to himself Lord 
Camelford's candles, and set himself to read. His 
lordship glanced a look of indignation, but, exerting 
his optics a little more, continued to decypher his 
paper. The waiter soon re-appeared, and announced 
his having completed the commands of the gentleman, 
who immediately lounged round into his box. Lord 
Camelford having finished his paragraph, called out 
in a mimic tone, ' Waiter! bring me a pair of snuf- 
These were quickly brought, when his lord- 
ship laid down his paper, walked round to the box 
in which the gentleman was seated, snuffed out both 
the candles, and leisurely returned to his Bet! 
Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared 
out, ■ Waiter ! waiier ! waiter ! who the devil is this 
fellow that dares thus to insult a gentleman ? Woo 
is he? What is he? What do they call him V — 
id Camelford, Sir,' said the waiter. 'Who? 
Lord Camelford !' returned the former, in a tone of 
I scarcely audible ; horror-struck at the recoi- 
ls >n of his own impertinence, and almost doubting 
whether he was still in existence ; ' Lord Camelford ! 
What have I to pay?' On being told, he laid down 
-core, and actually stole away, without daring to 
taste his .Madeira. 

% at the battle of Trafalgar, who 

actively employed at one of the guns on lite 

quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot oil 

below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was 

ordering him to be conveyed to the cockpit, 'That's 

but a shilling touch ; an inch higher and I should 

i pence for it ;' alluding by this 

to the sraic of pennons allowed for wounds, which, 

increase according to their severity. The 

lame hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a 



JOE MILLER. 259 

brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, 
• Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver 
buckle out of my shoe ; 111 do as much for you, 
please God, some other time.' 

844. — The following is an account of a most in- 
genious stratagem played off at Paris before the Re- 
volution : the last time that the late queen of France 
visited the theatre in Paris, the wife of a financier, 
whose whole merit consisted in a heavy purse, and 
an ostentatious display of eastern magnificence, sat 
alone in a box opposite to that of her majesty. She 
affected to make a parade of a costly pair of brace- 
lets, which, as the queen now and then cast her eyes 
upon her, she fondly supposed attracted the admira- 
tion of her sovereign. She was hugging herself in 
thoughts that exceedingly flattered her vanity, when 
a person dressed in the queen's livery, entered the 
box. ' Madam,' said he, 'you may have perceived 
how attentively the queen has surveyed those mag- 
nificent bracelets, which though so precious and 
costly, still receive greater lustre from the dazzling 
beauty of the arm which bears them ; I am commis- 
sioned by her majesty to request you will entrust me 
with one of them, that her majesty may have a nearer 
view of the unparalleled jewels.' Melted by the 
flattering compliment, she did not hesitate, and deli- 
vered one of her bracelets. Alas ! she soon repented 
her blind confidence, and heard nothing more of her 
bracelet till the next morning, when an exempt of 
the police begged to be admitted, and chid her po- 
litely for trusting so valuable a trinket in the hands 
of a stranger ; ' but, madam,' added he, ■ the rogue 
is taken up, and here is a letter from the Lieutenant 
de Police, which will explain the whole.' The letter 
was, indeed, signed ■ De Crone,' and contained a 
request, that the lady would repair at twelve o'clock 
to the office, and in the meantime deliver to the ex- 
empt the other bracelet, that it might be compared 



260 JOli MILLEK. 

with the first, then in his hand, that he might have 
sufficient proof to commit the sharper. So much at- 
tention from the chief magistrate filled her with gra- 
titude, which she expressed in the liveliest terms, 
bestowing the greatest praise on the vigilance of the 
police, which in no country was so vigilant as at 
Paris. In fine, after ordering up a dish of chocolate 
for the exempt, she put the other bracelet in his hand. 
They parted, but it was for ever — this pretended ex- 
empt, proving neither more nor less than the worthy 
associate of the queen's bold messenger ! 

845. — The writer of this article having, many 
years ago, accompanied Doctor Arne to Cannons, 
th/j seat of the late Duke of Chandos, to assist at the 
performance of an oratorio in the chapel of Whit- 
church, such was the throng of company, that no 
provisions were to be procured at the duke's house. 
On going to the Chandos' Arms, in the town of Edge- 
ware, we made our way into the kitchen, where we 
found nothing but a solitary leg of mutton on the 
spit This, the waiter informed me, was bespoke by 
a party of gentlemen. The doctor (rubbing his el- 
bow — his usual manner), says to me, ' I'll have that 
mutton — give me a fiddle-string.' He took the fid- 
dle-string, cut it in pieces, and privately sprinkling 
it over the mutton, walked out of the kitchen. Then 
waiting very patiently till the waiter had served it 
up, he heard one of the gentlemen exclaim — ' Waiter ! 
this meat is full of maggots, take it away.* This was 
what the doctor expected, who was on the watch. — 
* Here, give it me.' — ' O, Sir,' said the waiter, ■ you 
can't eat it, it is full of maggots.' — 'O, never mind/ 
cries the doctor, ' fiddlers have strong stomachs. ' So 
bearing it away, and scraping off the fiddle-strings, 
we made a hearty dinner on the apparently maggotty 
mutton. 

846. — At the time when Frederic Moul was en- 
gaged in translating Libanius, a servant came to tell 



JOE MILLER. 261 

him, that his wife, who had long been in a declining 
state, was very ill, and wished to speak to him. 
' Stop a minute, stop a minute,' said he, ■ 1 have but 
two sentences to finish, and then I will be with her 
directly.' Another messenger came to announce, 
that she was at the last gasp. ■ I have but two words 
to write,' answered he, 'and then I'll fly to her.' A 
moment after word was brought to him that she had 
expired. ' Alas ! I am very sorry for it,' exclaimed 
the tranquil husbam! I ufe in the 

world !' Having uttered this brief funeral oration, he 
went on with his work. 

817. — Aft m their victories over the Persians, the 
Athenians made a law, that on one day in every 
there should be an exhibition of a cock-fight. This 
custom is said to have arisen from the following cir- 
cumstance: — WhenThemistocles led an army of his 
countrymen against the barbarians, he saw two cocks 
fighting. The spectacle was not lost on him : he 
made his army halt, and thus addressed them : — 
1 These cocks,' said he, ' are not fighting- for their 
country, nor for their paternal gods ; nor do they 
endure this for the monuments of their ancestors, for 
the sake of glory in the cause of liberty, or for their 
offspring. The only motive is, that one is deter- 
mined not to yield to the other.' 

848. — Among the many anecdotes which the great 
Lord Mansfield used to relate, was the following : A 
St Giles's bird appeared as an evidence before him 
in some trial concerning a quarrel, and so confounded 
his lordship with his slang, that he was obliged to 
dismiss him without getting any information. He 
w as desired to give an account of all he knew about 
the business. • Why, my lord,' said he, ■ as I was 
coming round the corner of the street, I stagged the 
man.' — ■ Pray,' said Lord Mansfield, ' what is stag- 
ging a man V — ' Staggirig, my lord ; why you see I 
vas down upon him,' — ' Well, but I don't understand 



262 .lOE M'LKER. 

down upon him any more than staggifig. Do speak 
to be understood.' — ' Why, an't please your lordship, 
I speak as well as I can. I was up, you see, to all 
he knew.' — ' To all he knew ? I am as much in the 
dark as ever.' — ■ Well, then, my lord, I'll tell you 
how it was.' — ' Do so.' — ' Why, my lord, seeing as 
how he was a rum kid, I was one upon his tiboy.' 
The fellow was at length sent out of court, and was 
heard to say to one of his companions, that he had 
gloriously queered old full-bottom. 

849. — A toor woman, who had attended several 
confirmations, was at length recognised by the bi- 
shop. ■ Pray have I not seen you here before V said 
his lordship. ' Yes,' replied the woman, ' I get me 
conform 'd as often as I can ; they tell me it is good 
for the rheumatis.' 

850. — Taxes upon every article which enters into 
the mouth, or covers the back, or is placed under the 
foot ; taxes upon every thing which is pleasant to 
see, hear, feel, smell, and taste ; taxes upon warmth, 
light, and locomotion ; taxes on every thing on earth, 
and the waters under the earth ; on every thing that 
comes from abroad, or is grown at home ; taxes on 
the raw materials ; taxes on every fresh value that 
is added to it by the industry of man ; taxes on the 
sauce which pampers man's appetite, and the drug 
that restores him to health ; on the ermine which 
decorates the judge, and the rope which hangs the 
criminal ; on the poor man's salt, and the rich man's 
spice ; on the brass nails of the coffin, and the rib- 
bands of the bride ; at bed and board, couchant or 
levant, we must pay. The schoolboy whips his taxed 
top ; the beardless youth manages his taxed horse 
with a taxed bridle on a road taxed ; and the dying 
Englishman pouring his medicine, which has paid 7 
per cent, into a spoon which has paid l.i per cenL 
flings himself back upon his Chintz bed which has 
paid <it per cent, makes his will on an eight pound 



JOE MILLCR. 263 

stamp, and expires in the arms of an apothecary who 
has paid a license of an hundred pounds for the pri- 
vilege of putting him to death. His whole property 
is then immediately taxed from 2 to 10 per cent. 
Besides the probate, large fees are demanded for bu- 
rying him in the chancel ; his virtues are handed down 
to posterity on taxed marble ; and he is then gathered 
to his fathers — to be taxed no more. 

851.*— During the action against the Algerines, 
as Lord Exmouth and Captain Brisbane were con- 
versing together, the latter was struck flat on the 
ground by a spent ball, or some other cause. Lord 
Exmouth immediately called the first lieutenant, and 
exclaimed, ' Poor Brisbane ! he's gone ! take the 
command.' The captain, raising himself in a sitting 
posture, coolly said, ' Not yet, my lord ;' and in a 
moment after resumed his share in the business of 
the day. 

852. — The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of the late 
Sir George Staunton, gives in a recent publication 
the following anecdote : — * My late uncle, Sir G. 
Staunton, related to me a curious anecdote of old 
Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring 
of Sir George the manner iu which physicians were 
paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his 
majesty was made to comprehend the system, he 
exclaimed, M Is any man well in England, that can 
afford to be ill ? now, I will inform you," said he, 
" how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom 
the care of my health is committed : a certain weekly 
salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the 
salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform 
you my illnesses are usually short." ' 

8/>3. — Sir John Bernard distinguished himself 
in parliament by his integrity and his firmness. 
When Sir Robert Walpole, then prime minister, was 
one day whispering to the Speaker of the House of 
Commons, who leaned towards him over the arm of 



1G\ JOE MILLER. 

his chair, at the time Sir John Bernard was speak- 
ing, he exclaimed, ' Mr. Speaker, I address myself 
to you, and not to your chair ; I will be heard ; I 
call that gentleman to order.' The Speaker immedi- 
ately dismissed Sir Robert, and begged Sir John's 
pardon, requesting him to proceed. 

Sir Robert Walpole, whose measures Sir John 
generally opposed, once paid him a high compliment. 
They were riding in two different parties in a narrow 
lane, and one of Sir Robert's companions hearing 
some person speaking before he came up to them, 
inquired of Sir Robert whose voice it was. ' Do you 
not know]' replied the minister. ■ It is one I shall 
never forget ; I have often felt its power.' 

854. — 'Susan! 1 said an Irish footman to his fellow 
servant, 'what are the bells ringing for again?' — 

* In honour of the Duke of York's birthday, Mr. 
Murphy.' — ' Be aity now,' rejoined the Hibernian, 

* none of your blarney — snre, 'twas the Prince Re- 

day, and how can it be his brother's 
they are twins V 
> natural for Dr. Watts, when a 
child, to speak in rhyme, that even at the very time 
he wished to avoid it, he could not. 1 1 is father was 
displeased at this propensity, and threatened to whip 
him if he did not leave oft' making verses. One day 
when he was about to put his threat in execution, 
the child burst into tears, and on his knees said, 

' Pray, father, do some pity take, 
And I will no more verses make.' 

8.56. — His royal highness the late Duke of Cumber- 
hind, being at Newmarket, missed his pocket-book 
just before the I 'ed, containing a quantity 

of bank notes. When the cognoscenti of the turf 
came about him, and offered him several bets he 
said, ' I have lost my money already, and cannot af- 
ford to venture any more to-day.' The horse which 



JOE NIL LEI. 265 

the duke had intended to back was distanced ; so he 
consoled himself that the loss of his pocket-book was 
only a temporary evil, as he should have forfeited its 
contents to the worthies of the turf. The race was 
no sooner finished than a veteran half- pay officer 
presented his royal highness with the lost pocket- 
book, saying he had found it near the stand, but had 
not an opportunity of approaching him earlier. The 
duke refused to receive it, most generously saying, 
1 1 am glad it has fallen into such hands ; keep it ; 
had it not been for this accident, it would have been 
by this time dispersed among the black legs of New- 
market.' 

8.57. — A child of one of the crew of his majesty's 
ship Peacock, during the action with the United 
States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with chasing 
a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by 
destruction and death all around him, he persisted, 
till a cannon ball came and took off both the hind 
legs of the goat, when seeing her disabled, he jumped 
astride her, crying, ' Now I've caught you.' 

8.58. — During an action of Admiral Rodney with 
the French, a woman assisted at one of the guns on 
the main-deck, and being asked by the admiral what 
she did there, she replied, ■ An't please your honour, 
my husband is sent down to the cock-pit wounded, 
and I am here to supply his place. Do you think, 
your honour, I am afraid of the French V After the 
action, Lord Rodney called her aft, told her she had 
been guilty of a breach of orders, by being on board, 
but rewarded her with ten guineas for so gallantly 
supplying the place of her husband. 

859. — In the attack on the strong fortress of St. 
Fernando de Omao, in the j~ear 1780, an English 
sailor who had scrambled singly over the wall, had, for 
Hie better annoyance of the enemy on all sides, armed 
oimself with a cutlass in each hand. Thus equip- 
ped, he fell in with a Spanish officer just roused from 
N 



266 job mi Lira. 

sleep, and who in the hurry and confusion had for- 
gotten his sword. This circumstance restrained the 
fury of the British tar, who, disdaining to attack an 
unarmed foe, but unwilling to relinquish so happy 
an opportunity of displaying his courage in single 
combat, presented one of the cutlasses to him, say- 
ing, ' I scorn any advantage ; you are now upon an 
equal footing with me.' The astonishment of the 
officer at such an act of generosity, and the facility 
with which a friendly parley took place, when he 
expected nothing else from the uncouth and hostile 
appearance of his foe, than being cut into pieces in- 
stantly, and without mercy, could only be rivalled 
by the admiration which his relation of the story ex- 
cited in his countrymen. 

860. — In the late American war, a New York 
trader was chased by a small French privateer, and 
having four guns with plenty of small arms, it was 
agreed to stand a brush with the enemy rather than 
be taken prisoners. Among several other passen- 
gers was an athletic quaker, who, though he with- 
stood every solicitation to lend a hand, as being con- 
trary to his religious tenets, kept walking backwards 
and forwards on the deck, without any apparent fear, 
the enemy all the time pouring in their shot. At 
ill the vessels having approached close to each 
r, a disposition to board was manifested by the 
French, which was very sood put in execution ; and the 
quaker being on the look-out, unexpectedly sprung 
nds the first man that jumped on board, and, 
pling him forcibly by the collar, coolly said, 
' Friend, thou hast no business here,' at the same 
time hoisting him over the ship's side. 

B61.— Db. Brocklesby had been sent for to at- 
tend the Duchess of Richmond's woman, who was 
so ill as to be confined to her bed. In the hall he 
met by the duke's valet, who was the woman's 
hushautl, and who either by nature or locality was as 



JOE MILLER. 2b7 

warm a politician as the Doctor. Public affairs being 
then peculiarly critical, they became so interested in 
debate, that the patient was little thought of as they 
ascended stairs, nor did the conversation relax when 
they reached the sick woman's chamber. In short, 
they both quitted the room, returned down stairs, and 
the Docter quitted Richmond-house, without either 
of them being aware that they had neither looked at 
the patient nor spoken to her, or of her. 

862. — The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very 
lethargic. Failing asleep one day after dinner with 
Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, 
the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsi- 
ness. Doddington denied having been asleep ; and 
to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cob- 
ham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to 
do so. Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cob- 
ham owned he had been telling it. 4 And yet,' said 
Doddington, 4 I did not hear a word of it ; but I 
went to sleep because I knew that about this time of 
day you would tell that story.' 

864. — When the Earl of Clancarty was captain 
of a man-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of 
Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain by a fever, 
on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave 
\iim notice of it, saying, at the same time, ■ that he 
was sorry to inform him that he died a Roman Catho- 
lic' — * Well, so much the better,' said his lordship. 
1 Oot, oot, my lord, how can you say so of a British 
clergyman V — ' Why,' said his lordship, ' because I 
believe I am the first captain of a man of-war that 
could boast of having a chaplain uho had any religiun 
at all: 

863. — It is recorded to the honour of our Edward 
the Third, that one day, having laid down upon a 
couch, one of his domestics, who did not know that 
he was in the chamber, came softly into it, and stole 
some money out of a chest he found open, which the 



268 JOE MILLER. 

king let him carry off without saying a word. Pre- 
sently after, the boy returned to make a second at- 
tempt : at this the king called out to him, without 
any violence of passion, ' Sirrah, you had best be 
satisfied with what you have got ; for if my chamber- 
lain come and catch you, he will not only take away 
what you have stolen, but also whip you severely.' 
The chamberlain came in at this instant, and seizing 
the money, fell into a great rage ; but the king 
calmly said, ■ Tut, man, be content ; the chest should 
not have been left open ; the temptation was too 
strong for the poor youth : he perhaps wanted money 
more than we do, and there is, you see, still enough 
left for us !' 

865. — Diogenes, visiting Plato at his villa, and 
perceiving that the floors were beautifully spread 
w ith carpets of the richest wool and finest dye, stamp- 
ing his foot in sardonic scorn, he exclaimed, 'Thus 
do I tread on the pride of Plato !' — ' With greater 
pride/ mildly replied Plato. 

866. — Voiture having satirized a nobleman who 
was powerful at court, the latter sought every occa- 
sion to revenge himself, and challenged Voiture to 
fight him with swords. ■ We are not equals,' replied 
the; poet ; * you are very great, I am little ; you are 
brave, I am cowardly ; you wish to kill me — eh bien ; 
I will consider myself as dead.' This timely jest 
turned the anger of the nobleman into irrestrainable 
laughter, and they parted good friends. 

867.^-In the time of the old court, the faces or 
the Parisian ladies were spotted with patches like 

f>ards, and plastered with rouge like so many red 
ions of the road side. Lord Chesterfield being sst 
Paris, was asked by Voltaire if he did not think some 
Ffench ladies, then in company, whose cheeks were 
fashionably tinted, very beautiful, ' Excuse me,' said 
Clie*tern>kl, ' from giving an opinion : I am really 
no judge of paintings.' 



JOE MILLER. 269 

868. — Lord Chancellor Hard wick was very fond 
of entertaining his visitors with the following story 
of his bailiff, who, having been ordered by his lady 
to procure a sow of a particular description, came 
one day into the dining-room when full of company, 
proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, 
4 I have been at Rovston fair, my lady, and I have 
got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size.' 

869. — King Jambs II. treated Waller, the poet, 
with great kindness and familiarity. Taking him 
one day into his closet, the king asked him how he 
liked a particular picture, which he pointed out. 
' My eyes,' said Waller, then at an advanced age, 
'are dim, and I do not know it.' The king said it 
was the Princess of Orange. ' She is/ said Waller, 
1 like the greatest woman in the world.' The king 
asked who that was ; and was answered, ' Queen 
Elizabeth.' — 'I wonder,' said James, 'you should 
think so ; but I must confess she had a wise council.' 
— ' And, Sire,' returned Waller quickly, ' did you 
ever know a fool choose a wise one V 

870. — In Mr. Fox's frolicsome days, a tradesman, 
who held his bill for two hundred pounds, called for 
payment. Charles said he could not then discharge 
it. ■ How can that be,' said the creditor ; ■ you have 
just now lying before you bank notes to a large 
amount.' — ■ Those,' replied Mr. Fox, ' are for paying 
my debts of honour.' The tradesman immediately 
threw his bill into the fire. ' Now, Sir,' said he, 
4 mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot now oblige 
you to pay.' Charles, much to his honour, instantly 
paid him his full demand. 

871. — In the evening of the day on which Sir Eard- 
ley Wilmot kissed hands on being appointed chief- 
justice, his son, a youth of seventeen, attended him to 
his bed-side. ' Now,' said he, 4 my son, I will tell you 
a secret, worth knowing and remembering. The ele- 
vation I have met with in life, particularly this Kst 



270 JOU MILLER, 

instance of It, has not been owing to any superior 
merit or abilities, but to my humility ; to my not 
setting up myself above others ; and to an uniform 
endeavour to pass through life, void of offence towards 
God and man.' — A gentleman once went to him, 
under the impression of great wrath and indigna- 
tion at a real injury he had received from a person 
high in power, and which he was meditating how to 
resent in the most effectual manner. After relating 
the particulars, he asked Sir Eardley if he did not 
think it would be manly to resent it? ' Yes,' said the 
christian knight, ' it will be manly to resent it, but it 
will be God-like to forgive it.' This had such an 
effect upon the gentleman, that he came away quite 
a different man, and in a very subdued temper from 
that in which he went. 

872. — Lord Waldegrave abjured the Catholic 
religion ; he was afterwards appointed ambassador at 
Paris, and was one day teased upon the subject of 
his conversion, by the Duke of Berwick. * Pray, 
Mr. Ambassador,' said he, ' who had most to do in 
your conversion — the ministers of state, or the minis- 
ters of religion?' — 'That is a question,' said his 
lordship calmly, 'you must excuse my answering, 
for when I ceased to be a Catholic, I renounced con- 
fession.' 

87.3. — Fletcher, bishop of Nismes, was the son of 
a tallow-chandler. A proud duke once endeavoured 
to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the levee, that 
he smelt of tallow : to which the bishop replied, ' My 
lord, I am the son of a chandler, it is true, and if 
your lordship had been the same, you would have re- 
mained a tallow-chandler all the days of your life.' 

874. — Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to re- 
quest a private audience of King .Tames I., but was 
refused admittance into the royal closet by a spruce- 
ly-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing 
the altercation between the two, came out, and in- 



JOE MILLF.K. 271 

quired the cause. ■ My liege,' said Lord Stanley, 
* this gay countryman of yours has refused me ad- 
mittance to your presence.' — ' Cousin,' said the king, 
1 how shall I punish him ? Shall I send him to the 
Tower V — 'O no, my liege,' replied Lord Stanley, 
' inflict a severer punishment — bend him back to 
Scotland !' 

87o.— Archbishop Laud was a man of very short 
stature. Charles the First and the Archbishop were 
one day sat down to dinner, when it was agreed that 
Archy, the king's jester, should say grace for them, 
which he did in this fashion : — ' Great praise be given 
to God, but little Laud to the devil !' — For this sally 
Laud was weak enough to insist upon Archy's dis- 
missal. 

875. — A vacant sec was to be supplied, and the 
synod observed to the Emperor Peter the Great, that 
they had none but ignorant men to present to his 
majesty. ■ Well then,' replied the Czar, ' you have 
only to pitch upon the most honest man : he will be 
worth two learned ones.' 

877. — The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his 
money in London, set out for Ireland, in order to re- 
cruit his purse. On his way, he happened to meet 
with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital 
in a Lofty phaeton, with six prime dun-coloured horses. 
'Sir Murrough,' exclaimed his lordship, 'what a 
contrast there is betwixt you and me 1 You are driving 
your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before 
them.' 

878. — Richard the First, on the Pope reclaiming 
as a son of the church, a bishop whom that king had 
taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's coat- 
of-mail, and in the words of the scripture, asked him, 
1 Know now whether this be thy son's coat or notV 

879. — When the Duke of Sully was called upon 
oy Louis the Thirteenth to give his advice in some 
great emergency, he observed the favourites of the 



272 joi: MILL BR 

new king whispering to one another, and smiling at 
his plain and unfashionable appearance. * Whenever 
your Majesty's father,' said the old warrior and 
statesman, ' did me the honour to consult me, he 
ordered the buffoons of the court to retire into the 
antechamber.' This severe reproof silenced the satel- 
lites, who instantly hid ' their diminished heads.* 

880. — Whin James the First proposed to some of 
his council this question, — ' Whether he might not 
take his subjects' money when he needed it for the 
affairs of his government, without all the formality of 
parliament V Bishop Neile replied, ' God forbid you 
should not, for you are the breath of our nostrils.' 
Bishop Andrews declined answering, saying, that he 
was not skilled in parliamentary questions ; but upon 
-./e king's urging him, and saying that he would 
admit of no evasion, the bishop replied, ' Why, then, 
1 think your Majesty may lawfully take my brother 
Neile's money, for he says you may.' 

881. — The late lord Willoughby dc Broke was a 
very singular character, and had more peculiarities 
than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of 
the house of peers, and not seeing his servant among 
those who were waiting at the door, he called out in 
a very loud voice, ' Where can my fellow be?' — • Not 
in Europe, my lord,' said Anthony Henley, who hap- 
pened to be near him, ' not in Europe,' 

882. — The marquis Delia Sealas, an Italian no- 
bleman, having invited the neighbouring gentry to a 
grand entertainment, where all the delicacies of the 
on were provided, some of the company arrived 
very early, for the purpose of paying their respects 
to his excellency : soon after which, the major-domo, 
entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told the 
marquis that there was a most wonderful fisherman 
below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all 
Italy ; for which, however, lie demanded a most ex- 
travagant price. ' Regard not his price,' cried the 



JOE MILLER. 273 

marquis ; ' pay him the money directly.' — * So I 
would, please your highness, but he refuses to take 
any money.' — ' What, then, would the fellow have !' 
— ■ A hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare 
shoulders, my lord ; he says he will not bate a single 
blow.' On this the w iole company ran down stairs, 
to see so singular a man. 'A fine fish !' cried the 
marquis. ' What is your demand, my friend !' — ■ Not 
a quatrini, my lord,' answered the fisherman : ' I w ill 
not take money. If your lordship wishes to have the 
fish, you must order me a hundred lashes of the strap- 
pado on my naked back ; otherwise I shall apply 
elsewhere.' — ' Rather than lose the fish,' said the 
marquis, ' we must e'en let this fellow have his hu- 
mour. Here !' cried he to one of his grooms, ■ dis- 
charge this honest man's demands - but don't lay on 
too hard ; don't hurt the poor devil very much!' The 
fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to 
execute his lordship's orders. ' Now, my friend,' 
said the fisherman, 4 keep an exact account, I beseech 
you ; for I don't desire a single stroke more than my 
due.' The whole company were astonished at the 
amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to 
the operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash ; 
when, addressing himself to the servant, ' Hold, my 
friend,' cried the fisherman ; ' I have now had my full 
share of the price.' — 'Your share?' exclaimed the 
marquis ; ' what is the meaning of all this V — ■ My 
lord,' returned the fisherman, 4 I have a partner, to 
whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his 
full half of whatever I receive for the fish ; and your 
lordship, I dare venture to say, will by and by own 
that it would be a thousand pities to defraud him of 
a single stroke.' — 'And pray, honest friend/ said the 
marquis, ■ who is this partner V — ' Your porter, my 
lord,' answered the fisherman, ■ who keeps the outer 
gate, and refused to admit me, unless I would pro- 
mise him half what I should obtain for the fish.' — 
N 2 



274 Joli MIL ILK. 

■Ho! lio !' exclaimed the marqui3, laughing very 
heartily, ' by the blessing of heaven, he shall have 
Rouble his demand in full tale !' The porter was ac- 
cordingly sent for ; and, being stripped to the skin, 
two grooms were directed to lay on with all their 
might till he had fairly received what he was so well 
entitled to. The marquis then ordered his steward 
to pay the fisherman twenty sequins ; desiring him 
to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense 
for the friendly service he had rendered him. 

B83. — Mr. Pope being one night crossing the 
street from Button's coffee-house, when the moon 
occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted 
by a link-boy with, ■ Light, your honour, light your 
honour!' He repeatedly exclaimed, * I do not want 
you.' But the lad still following him, he peevishly 
cried out, ' Get about your business, God mend me ! 
1 will not give you a farthing ; it's light enough.' — 
'It's light enough/ echoed the lad, 'what's light 
enough ? your head or your pocket ? God mend you, 
indeed ! it would be easier for God Almighty to make 
two men, than mend one such as you.' 

884.— The celebrated Florentine physician, An- 
drea Baccio, who has been styled the Italian Rad- 
cliff'e, for his astonishing penetration as to diseases, 
resembled that singular man, also, in the blunt me- 
thod of delivering his sentiments. He was one day 
called to attend on a woman of quality. He went, 
felt her pulse, and asked her how old she was. She 
told him, ' above fourscore.' — ' And how long would 
you liveV said the cross physician, quitting her 
hand, and making the best of his way out of her 
house. 

885. — ■ Your unchristian virulence against me/ 
said a Huguenot who had been persecuted for preach- 
ing, ' shall cost hundreds of people their lives.' This 
menace brought the author into trouble ; he was cited 
to a court of justice, and was charged with harbour- 



joi: MILLER. 275 

ing the most bloody designs against his fellow-sub- 
jects. ■ I am innocent/ said he, * of all you lay to 
my account. My only meaning was, that I meant 
(since I could not act as a minister) to practise as a 
physician.' 

886. — The father of the late Lord Hardwick was 
hanged for forgery. When Lord H. sat as chan- 
cellor, an old countryman was examined as to a par- 
ticular fact, the date of which he could not recollect. 
4 All that I remember about it,' says he, 4 is, that it 
happened on the day old Yorke was hanged.' 

887. — Judge D married the sister of Mr. 

P , who killed a gentleman unfairly. He ap- 
plied to king George I. to pardon his relation, con- 
fessing at the 6ame time, that little could be urged 
in his favour ; but hoped his majesty would save him 

and his family from the infamy of P 's execution. 

4 So, Mr. Judge,' says the King, ' what you want is, 
that I should transfer the infamy from you and your 
family, to me and my family.' 

888^<rwo tars, just landed, went to see an old 
acquaintance, who keeps what they humourously 
called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, the 
sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they 
stared about for the wished- for sign. l There it is !' 
said one. 4 Why, you fool,' replied the other, ' that's 
a peacock.' — ' Who do you call fool V retorted Ben, 
* how the devil should I know the difference, when 
I never saw an angel in my life.' 

889. — An American general, L , was in com- 
pany where there were some few Scotch. After 
supper, when the wine was served up, the general 
rose, and addressed the company in the following 
words : — 4 Gentlemen, I must inform you, that when 
I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom of 
railing against the Scotch, I hope no gentleman in 
company will take it amiss.' With this he sat down. 
Up starts M , a Scotch officer, and without seem- 



276 JOE Mill 

lig the least displeased, said, ' Gentlemen, T, when 
] am a little greyish, and hear any person railing 
against the Scotch, have an absurd custom of kicking 
him out of the company, I hope no gentleman will 
lake it amiss.' It is superfluous to add, that that 
night he had no occasion to exert his talents. 

890 — Francis 1., of France, being told the people 
made very free with his character in their songs, an- 
swered, ' It would be hard indeed not to allow them 
a song for their money. 

891. — An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket 
(to use his own phrase) had stoped payment, was 
forced to the sad necessity of perambulating the 
streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want of 
a few pence to pay his lodgings, when accidentally 
hearing a person talk of the Lying-in Hospital, he 
exclaimed, ' That's the place for me ! Where is 
it, honey 1 for I've been laying-out these two nights 
past.' 

892.— Ariosto built for himself a small house, 
which when a friend saw, he expressed an astonish- 
ment that he, who had described such magnificent 
edifices in his poem should be content with so poor 
a house. Ariosto aptly replied, 'Words are much 
easier put together than bricks.' 

893. — In k bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion 
of his revenues, in consequence of the occupation of 
part of Poland by the king of Prussia. Soon after 
this event, in the year 177.}, he waited on his majesty 
at Potsdam ; when the king asked him, if he could, 
after what had happened, still have any friendship 
for him? ' Sire!' said the prelate, 4 I shall never 
forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign.' 
— *I am,' replied the king, 'still your very g 
friend : and lik< ime much on your friend- 

ship towards me , lor, should St. Peter refuse my 
entrance into Paradise, I hope you will have the 
dness to hide roe under your mantle, and take me 



JOE MIM.l'.R. 277 

in along with you.' — ' Sire !' returned the bishop, 
1 that will, I fear, scarcely be possible : your majesty 
has cut it too short to admit of my carrying any con- 
traband goods beneath it.' 

894. — When the great earl of Stair was ambassa- 
dor in Holland, he made frequent entertainments, to 
which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, 
not excepting even France, though hostilities were 
then commencing between the two countries. In 
return, the French resident as constantly invited the 
English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like 
occasions. The French minister was a man of con- 
siderable wit and vivacity. One day he proposed a 
health in these terms : ' The rising sun, my master ;' 
alluding to the motto of Louis XIV., which was 
pledged by the whole company. It then came to the 
Baron de Riesbach's turn to give a health, and he, 
in the same humour, gave * The moon and fixed stars,' 
in compliment to the empress queen. When it came 
to the English ambassador's turn, the eyes of all the 
company were turned upon him ; but he, no way 
daunted, drank his master by the name of ■ Joshua 
the son of Nun, who made the sun and moon to stand 
still.' 

895. — Dean Swift, whose character is well known, 
having dined one day at a lord mayor's feast in 
Dublin, was teased by an opulent, boisterous, half- 
intoxicated squire, who happened to sit next to him : 
he bore the awkward raillery for some time, and on 
a sudden called out, in a loud voice, to the mayor, 
1 My lord, here is one of your bears at my shoulders; 
I desire you will order him to be taken off.' 

896. — Sir Francis used to plague lord N 

with many impertinent visits, till at last lord N 

ordered his porter to deny him admittance. Sir Francis 
came as usual ■ My lord is not at home, Sir.' — ' Ah ! 
friend — Oh, though ! give me leave to speak two 
words to — the monkey.' — Away he flew up stairs, 



278 JOS MILLER. 

and took lord N unawares. The porter was 

scolded. In a few days Sir Francis called again. 
'Is my lord at home?' — 'No, Sir.' — 'Pray what 
says your clock? My watch stands ; I must set it 
right.' In he went, and made a second attack on 
his lordship. The porter was then told, if ever he 
let Sir Francis in again, he should be turned away. 
When the baronet knocked, he half opened the door, 
keeping it in his hand, and, without giving him time 
to speak, bawled out, ■ My lord is gone out, the 
monkey is dead, the clock is broke,' and slapped the 
door full in his face ! 

897. — A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a 
plough-boy left his work, and went home ; but his 
master seeing him there, told him that he should not 
have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged 
for the future he would stay till it rained downright. 
A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the 
boy staid till dusk, and being almost drowned, his 
master asked him why he did not come home before. 
'Why I should,' says the boy, 'but you zed I 
shou'dn't come hoam vore it rained downright ; and 
it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all 
day long.' 

898. — A lady desired her butler to be saving of 
an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him how 
it might be preserved. ' I know of no method so 
effectual, my lady,' says the butler, ' as placing a 
barrel of good ale by it.' 

899. — A hu mouhous fellow being subpoenaed as a 
witness on a trial for an assault, one of the counsel, 
who had been notorious for brow-beating witnesses, 
asked him what distance he was from the parties when 
the assault happened; he answered, ' Just four feet 
five inches and a half.' — ' I low come you to be so 
very exact, fellow V said the counsel. ' Because I 
expected some fool or other would ask me/ said he, 
' and so I measured it.' 



JOE MILLER. 279 

900. — Mr. Wesley, travelling in a stage-coach 

with a young officer, who swore and d d himself 

at every word, asked him if he had read the common 
prayer book ; for if he had he might remember the 
collect, '0 God, who art ever more ready to hear 
than we to pray, and art wont to give more than either 
we desire or deserve.' The young mau had sense 
enough to make the application, and was decent the 
rest of the journey. 

901. — Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., 
being one day made a butt of by his master, that 
prince, expecting some joke in return, said to his 
courtiers : — ' I shall be soon paid for this.' — To which 
the jester replied : ' Not so soon as you imagine, sire ; 
I am not prompt in paying those who are so tardy in 
paying others !' This repartee was found the more 
lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court 
not having for a long time received their pensions. 

902. — \Ym n the late Duchess of Kingston wished 
to be received at the court of Berlin, she got the 
Russian minister there to mention her intention to 
his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same 
time, ■ That her fortune was at Rome, her bank at 
Venice ; but that her heart was at Berlin.' The king 
replied, ' I am sorry we are only intrusted with the 
worst part of her Grace's property.' 

903. — King William being once extremely em- 
barrassed about a matter of state, was advised to 
consult Sir Isaac Newton. ■ Newton,' replied he, 
' Newton ! — why he is nothing but a philosopher !' 

904 — Sir Godfrey Kneller having painted a 
whole length portrait of the Duke of Hamilton, re- 
quested, that before it was sent home, his grace would 
come to inspect it, and see if he wished any alteration. 
The duke examined it closely, looked serious, weut 
to the glass and looked at himself, then returned 
md looked at the picture, and with some appearance 
of ill-humour, returned to the glass. Sir Godfrey, 



280 jot miller. 

rather piqued at this strange behaviour, asked him 
if any tiling was wrong 1 ' Why, yes ;' said the duke, 
1 when I look at the picture I feel myself a man of 
rank ; when I return to the glass I look like a pol- 
troon ; however, for making me so much better than 
I am, you ought to bewell paid ; here is a bank bill.' 
— ' No, my lord,' replied Sir Godfrey, ' I will not be 
paid more than once for the same picture ; you have 
overpaid it already.' 

9()5. — In the time of the persecution of the pro- 
testants in France, the English Ambassador solicited 
of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the 
galleys on account of their religion. ' What,' ex- 
claimed the monarch, ' would the king of England 
say, were I to demand the liberation of the prisoners 
in Newgate?' — 'The king, my master,' replied the 
minister, ' would grant them to your majesty, if you 
claimed them as brothers.' 

906. — The Duke d'Ossuna, being viceroy of 
Naples, went on board a Spanish galley, on a festi- 
val, to exercise his right of delivering one of the 
wretches from punishment. On interrogating them 
why they were brought there, they all asserted their 
innocence but one, who confessed that his punish- 
ment was too small for his crimes. The duke said, 
1 \\>.re, take away this rascal, lest he should corrupt 
all these honest men !' 

907. — Petbb the Great was once shewn a parallel, 
in a foreign paper, between himself and Louis XI V\, 
in which the latter was pronounced to be greatly in- 
ferior to him. ' If there be any thing in which I 
may claim superiority ,' said Peter, ' it is, that I have 
been able to govern the clergy, instead of being 
governed by them, as was my brother Louis.' 

908. — Lord Yarmouth (now Marquis of Hert- 
ford) visiting Spain, was shown the hscuria.1, and the 
superb convent of monks of the order of St. Ilierom. 
The superior, who conducted him, related, among 



JOB MILLER. 281 

other particulars, that this vast structure had been 
built by Philip the Second, to fulfil a vow he had 
made on the eve of the battle of St. Quintin. His 
lordship, admiring the immense extent of the edifice, 
observed, * When the monarch made such a vow, he 
must have been terribly frightened.' 

909>— The Duke de Roquelaure meeting a very 
ugly country-gentleman at court, who had a suit to 
offer, presented it to the king, and urged his request, 
saying, he was under the greatest obligation to the 
suitor. The king asked what were these great obli- 
gations 1 ' Ah, Sire, were it not for him, I should be 
the ugliest man in your Majesty's dominions !' 

910. — George the First was once present at a 
masked ball, where he fell into conversation with 
a lady likewise masked, and with whom he was un- 
acquainted. The lady proposed to his majesty to go 
to the sideboard to refresh themselves ; the king con- 
sented. They were served with wine : — ' To the 
health of the Pretender,' said the lady. ■ With all 
my heart,' replied the generous Monarch ; ' I drink 
willingly to the health of all unfortunate princes!' 

911. — When Buonaparte, then First Consul for 
life, wished to take the title of Emperor, his brother 
Lucien opposed himself to the project with all his 
power — * Your ambition knows no bounds,' exclaim- 
ed he ; ' you are master of France, you wish to be 
master of all Europe. Do you know what the result 
will be 1 . You will be smashed to pieces like this 
watch,' — flinging his watch violently on the floor. 

912. — At a dinner-party at the Duke of Or- 
mond's, in 1715, Sir William Wyndham, in a jocular 
dispute about short prayers, told the company, among 
whom was Bishop Atterbury, that the shortest prayer 
he had ever heard was that of a common soldier just 
before the battle of Blenheim : — ' O God, if there be 
a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.' This was 
followed by a general laugh. Atterbury seemed to 



282 JOB MILLER. 

join in the conversation, and applying himself to Sir 
William \Vyn<lham,said, ' Your prayer, Sir William, 
is indeed very short ; but I remember another as 
short, but much better, offered up likewise by a poor 
soldier in the same circumstances — ' O God, if in the 
day of battle I forget thee, do not thou forget me!' 

913. — Lord Albemarle being at Aix-la-Chapelle, 
wished not to be known, and desired his Negro servant, 
in case he should be asked about him, to say that his 
master was a Frenchman. The Negro was at last 
questioned on that head, and answered, ' My master 
is a Frenchman, and so am I.' 

914. — One of Cromwell's grand-daughters was re- 
markable for her vivacity and humour. One summer 
being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman 
having taken great offence at some sarcastic observa- 
tion she made, intending to insult her, said, ■ You 
need not give yourself such airs, madam ; you know 
your grandfather was hanged.' — To which she in- 
stantly replied, ' But not till he was dead. 1 

915. — Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being in 
Spain, went to visit the famous library of the Escu- 
rial, where he found a very ignorant librarian. The 
kin^ of Spain interrogated him respecting it. * 'Tis 
an admirable one, indeed,' said he ; ■ but your majesty 
should give the man who has the care of it the ad- 
ministration of your finances.' — ' Wherefore V asked 
the king. ' Because,' replied Bautru, ' the man never 
touches the treasure that is confided to him.' 

916. — A certain witty physician, but whose 
humour occasionally verged on buffoonery, was to 

dine one day at the table of the Elector of . 

This prince, anxious to divert himself by embarrass- 
ing the doctor, ordered that no spoon should be given 
him ; soup was served up, and the Elector invited 
him to partake of it, which he declined as well as he 
could ; but the prince, in order to deprive him of all 
pretext, said : ■ Eh ! a rogue that won't cat soup !'— 



JOE MILLBR. 283 

At this threat, the doctor took up a roll, hollowed it 
by taking out the crum, stuck it on the end of a fork, 
and used it as a spoon. When the soup was de- 
spatched, he began to eat the hollow crust, saying, 
— ' A rogue that doesn't eat his spoon !' — The guests 
looked at each other, the prince acknowledged him- 
self beaten, and the doctor's imagination diverted 
every one. 

917. — King James I. made a progress to Chester 
in 1617, and was attended by a great number of the 
Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him. The 
weather was very warm, the roads dusty, and the king 
almost suffocated. He did not know how to get ci- 
villy rid of them, when one of his attendants, put- 
ting his head out of the coach, said, ' It is his ma- 
jesty's wish, that those who are the best gentlemen 
shall ride forwards.' Away scampered the Welsh 
gentry at full gallop : one, however, was left behind 
— ■ And so,' said the king to him, ■ you are not a gen 
tleman, then V — ' Oh yes, and please your majesty, 
hur is as goot a gentleman as the rest ; but hur horse, 
Cot help hur, is not so goot.' 

. 918. — The employment of Bonaparte's confidential 
secretaries was, of all kinds of slavery, the least sup- 
portable. Day and night it was necessary to be on 
the spot. Sleep, meals, health, fatigue, nothing was 
regarded. A minute's absence would have been a 
crime. Friends, pleasures, public amusements, pro- 
menades, rest, all must be given up. The Baron de 
Maineval, and the Baron Fain, knew this by hard 
experience ; but at the same time they enjoyed his 
boundless confidence, the most implicit reliance on 
their discretion, and a truly royal liberality ; they 
both deserved his confidence. One day at two 
o'clock the Emperor went out to hunt : ■ He will 
probably, as usual, be absent four hours,' Maineval 
calculates : it is his father's jour-de-ftte : he may 
surely venture to leave the palace for a short time. 



284 JOB MILLER. 

lie has bought a little villa, and is desirous to pre- 
sent it to his beloved father, and to give him the 
title-deeds. He sets out, the whole family is col- 
lected, he is warmly greeted, they see him so seldom ! 
The present is given, the joy increases, dinner is 
ready, and he is pressed to stop : he refuses, ' The 
Emperor may return and ask for me.' — ' Oh, he won't 
be angry — you are never away.' The entreaties re- 
double ; at last he yields, and time flies swiftly when 
we are surrounded by those we love. In the mean 
time the Emperor returns, even sooner than usual. 
He enters his cabinet. — ' Maineval ! let him be 
called.' They seek him in vain. Napoleon grows 
impatient — 'Well, Maineval !' — They fear to tell him 
that he is absent, but at last it is impossible to con- 
ceal it. At length Maineval returns. — 'The Emperor 
has inquired for you ; he is angry.' — ' All is lost !' 
said Maineval to himself. He makes up his mind, 
however, and presents himself: his reception was 
terrible. — ' Where do you come from 1 go about your 
business 1' exclaimed Napoleon : ■ I do not want 
men who neglect their duty.' Maineval, trembling, 
retires ; he did not sleep all night ; he saw his hopes 
deceived, his services lost, his fortune missed — it 
was a dreadful night. Day at length came ; he re- 
flected ■ He did not give me a formal dismission.' — 
He dressed himself, and at the usual hour went to 
the Emperor's cabinet. Some minutes after Napo- 
leon enters, looks at him without speaking, writes a 
note, rises, and walks about. Maineval continues 
the task he has in hand without lifting up his eyes. 
Napoleon, with his hands behind his back, stops be- 
fore him, and abruptly asks — ' What ails you ? — 
Are you ill V — ' No, Sire,' timidly replies Maineval, 
rising up to answer. — ' Sit down, you are ill ; I don't 
like people to tell me falsehoods ; 1 insist on know- 
ing.' — ' Sire, the fear of having forfeited the kindness 
of your majesty deprived me of sleep.' — ' Where 



JOE MILLER. 286 

were you then yesterday V — Maineval told him the 
motive of his absence — ' I thought this little pro- 
perty would gratify my father.' — ' And where did 
you get the money to buy this house V — 4 Sire, I had 
saved it out of the salary your majesty condescends 
to assign me.' — Napoleon, after having looked on 
him steadily for a few minutes, said, ' Take a slip of 
paper and write, M The treasurer of my civil list will 
pay the bearer the sum of eighty thousand francs." ' 
— He took the draft and signed it. — ' There, put that 
in your pocket, and now let us set about our regular 
business.' 

919. — Sir Henry Sidney was the virtuous and 
brave father of a still more renowned son, Sir Philip 
Sidney. He once said to a friend of a fretful and 
querulous temper, with all the sententiousness and 
wisdom of the philosophers of old, ■ Take from me, 
Sir, this maxim : a weak man complains of others, an 
unfortunate man complains of himself, but a wise 
man complains neither of others nor of himself.' 

920. — Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a 
physician, went from Hanover to attend Frederick 
the Great in his last illness. One day the king said to 
him, ' You have, I presume, Sir, helped many a man 
into another world V This was rather a bitter pill 
for the doctor ; but the dose he gave the king in re- 
turn was a judicious mixture of truth and flattery : 
* Not so many as your majesty, nor with so much 
honour to myself.' 

921. — A Spanish Ambassador one day entered 
rather unexpectedly into a room in which Henry IV. 
was discovered on all-fours, with his little son upon 
his back. The king stopped, and looking earnestly 
at the ambassador, said to him, ■ Pray, Sir, have you 
any children?'—' Yes, Sire, several.' — ' Well, then, 
I shall complete my round ;' and he immediately set 
off on hands and knees again, till both boy and fa- 
thei were tired with the sport. 



286 JOE MILLER. 

922. — Admiral Montague once addressed a 
wretched little chimney-sweeping boy, who had been 
sweeping his chimnies — ' Suppose now I give you a 
shilling V — ' God bless your honour, and thank you !' 
said the forlorn boy. ' And what if I give you a fine 
tye-wig to wear on May-day, which is just at hand V 
— 'Ah, bless your honour f my master won't let me 
out on May-day — he says it 's low life.' 

923. — At a grand review by George III. of the 
Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mount- 
ed the shrouds with so much agility, as to surprise 
every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, 
and said to Lord Lothian, ■ Lothian, I have heard 
much of your agility ; let us see you run up after 
that boy.' — ■ Sire,' replied Lord Lothian, ■ it is my 
duty to follow your majesty.' 

924. — A French ambassador at an audience with 
James I. conversed with such rapidity, gesticulation, 
and grimace, as excited the wonder and conversation 
of the court. James afterwards asked Lord Chan- 
cellor Bacon, what he thought of the ambassador. 
1 Sire,' replied the philosopher, ■ he appears a fine, 
tall, well-built man.' — 'I mean,' interrupted the 
king, ■ what do you think of his head? Is it equal 
to his employ ?' — ■ Sire,' answered Bacon, ' men o* 
high stature very often resemble houses of four or five 
stories, where the upper one is always the worst fur- 
nished.' 

925. — Frederick the Great rang one day, and 
nobody answered. He opened the door, and found 
the page sleeping on a sofa. About to wake him, he 
perceived the end of a billet out of his pocket, and 
had the curiosity to know the contents : Frederick 
carefully drew it out, and read it ; it was a letter from 
the mother of the young man, who thanked him for 
having sent her part of his wages, to assist her in her 
distress ; and it concluded by beseeching God to 
Lies* him for his filial goodness. The king returned 



JOE MILLCR. 287 

softly to his room, took a roller of ducats, and slid them, 
with the letter, into the page's pocket ; and then re- 
turning to his apartment, rung so violently, that the 
page came running breathlessly to know what had 
happened. ■ You have slept well,' said the king. 
The page made an apology, and, in his embarrass- 
ment, he happened to put his hand into his pocket, 
and felt with astonishment the roller. He drew it 
out, turned pale, and looking at the king, burst into 
tears, without being able to speak a word. ' What 
is the matter !' said the king, ' what ails you V — 
' Ah, Sire,' answered the youth, throwing himself at 
his feet, ' somebody would wish to ruin me ; I know 
not how I came by this money in my pocket.' — ' My 
friend,' said Frederick, ' God often sends us good in 
our sleep. Send this to your mother. Salute her in 
my name, and assure her I shall take care of her and 
of you.' 

9^6. — ■ Mademoiselle,' said Louis XV. to a young 
lady belonging to his court, ' I am assured that you 
are very learned, and understand four or five conti- 
nental languages.' — * I know only two, sire,' an- 
swered she, trembling. — ' Which are they V — ' Eng- 
lish and Italian.' — ' Do you speak them fluently V 
— ' Yes, sire, very fluently.' — 'That is quite enough 
to drive a husband mad !' 

9'27. — A lady had a tame bird which she was in 
the habit of letting out of its cage every day. One 
morning as it was picking crumbs of bread ofT the 
carpet, her cat, who always before showed great kind- 
ness for the bird, seized it on a sudden, and jumped 
with it in her mouth upon a table. The lady was 
much alarmed for the fate of her favourite, but, on 
turning about, instantly discerned the cause. The 
door had been left open, and a strange cat had just 
come into the room ! After turning it out, her own 
cat came down from her place of safety, and dropped 
the bird without doing it the smallest injury. 



288 JOE MILLER. 

928. — In the year 1765, one Carr, a waterman, 
having laid a wager that he and his dog would both 
leap from the centre arch of Westminster bridge, and 
land at Lambeth within a minute of each other ; he 
jumped off first, and the dog immediately followed ; 
but not being in the secret, and fearing his master 
should be drowned, the dog laid hold of him by the 
neck, and dragged him on shore to the no small 
diversion of the spectators. 

929. — The Laird of M* N b was writing to 

one of his Dulcineas from an Edinburgh coffee house, 
when a gentleman of his acquaintance observed that 
he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography 
and grammar. • D — n your blood !' exclaimed the 
Highland chieftain, • how can a man write grammar 
with a pen like this?' 

930. — Shenstone was one day walking through 
his romantic retreat in company with his Delia (her 
real name was Wilmot) when a man rushed out of a 
thicket, and presenting a pistol to his breast, de- 
manded his money. Shenstone was surprised, and 
Delia fainted. ' Money,' said the robber, ' is not 
worth struggling for ; you cannot be poorer than I 
am.' — ' Unhappy man !' exclaimed Shenstone, throw- 
ing his purse to him, ' take it and fly as quick as pos- 
sible.' The man did so, threw his pistol in the water, 
and instantly disappeared. Shenstone ordered his 
foot-boy to follow the robber, and observe where he 
went. In two hours the boy returned, and informed 
his master that he followed him to Halesowen, where 
he lived ; that he went to the door of his house, and 
peeping through the key-hole, saw the man throw 
the purse on the ground, and say to his wife, ' Take 
the dear-bought price of my honesty ;' then taking 
two of his children, one on each knee, he said to 
them, ' I have ruined my soul to keep you from 
starving ;' and immediately burst into a flood of tears. 
Shenstone, on hearing this, lost no time in inquiring 



JOE MII1.KR. 289 

the man's character, and found that he was a labourer 
jppiessed by want, and a numerous family ; but had 
he reputation of being honest and industrious. Shen- 
>tone went to his house ; the poor man fell at his feet, 
and implored mercy. The poet took him home with 
him, and provided him with employment. 

931. — Gi:orge III. in his walks about his farms, 
was often alone, and many pleasant little incidents 
occurred on meeting with rustics, to whom he was 
sometimes unknown. One day he had to pass through 
a narrow hedge gate, on which sat a young clown, 
who shewed no readiness in moving. ' Who are you, 
boy Y said the king. ' 1 be a pig boy,' answered he. 
4 Where do you come from ? Who do you work for 
here V — ' I be from the low country ; out of work 
at present.' — * Don't they want lads here !' said the 
king. * I doan't know/ rejoined the boy, ' all belongs 
hereabouts to Georgy.' — 4 Pray,' said his Majesty, 
4 who is Georgy V — ' He be the king, and lives at the 
Castle, but he does no good for ine ' His Majestj 
immediately gave orders at his farm hard by, to have 
the boy employed ; and when he saw him, told him 
to be a steady lad, and * Georgy 1 might do some 
good for him. 

932. — In one of the excursions of George III. 
during the hay harvest in the neighbourhood of Wey- 
mouth, he passed a field where only one woman was 
at work. His Majesty asked her where the rest of 
her companions were 1 The woman answered, they 
are gone to see the king. ' And why did you not go 
with them V rejoined his Majesty. ■ I would not 
give a pin to see him ! ? replied the woman ; ' besides, 
the fools that have gone to town will lose a day's 
work by it, and that is more than I can afford to do. 
1 have five children to work for,' ice. 4 Well then,* 
said his Majesty, putting some money into her hands, 
' you may tell your companions who are gone to see 
the king, that the king came to see you.* 
O 



29U JOL MILLER. 

933. — In the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, 
Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to 
the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller ob- 
jected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his 
question, and demanded an answer. The judge again 
interposed his authority in these emphatic words: 
4 Sit down, Mr. Erskine ; know your duty, or I shall 
be obliged to make you know it.' Mr. Erskine with 
equal warmth replied, ' 1 know my duty as well as 
your lordship knows your duty. I stand here as the 
advocate of a fellow-citizen, and I will not sit down/ 
The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in 
his question. 

9.34. — Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was 
once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by 
the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with 
great agitation that the ship was on fire near the 
magazine. ' If that be the case,' said he, ■ rising lei- 
surely to put on his clothes, we shall soon know it.' 
The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and 
almost instantly returning, exclaimed, ■ You need 
not, Sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished.' — ' Afraid !' 
exclaimed Howe, ' what do you mean by that, Sir? 
1 never was afraid in my life ;' and looking the lieu- 
tenant full in the face, he added, ' Pray how does a 
man feel, Sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how 
he looks.' 

933. — In Earl Howe's engagement with the French 
fleet, on the 1st of June, 1791, the Marlborough, by 
intrepidly bieaking the enemy's line, became totally 
dismasted, and in that situation dropped with her 
stern on the bows of a French eighty-four, whose 
bowsprit came over the Marlborough's poop. The 
Frenchmen were preparing to board, though with 
evident reluctance, when an English sailor of the 
name of Appleford, to be beforehand with them, 
mounted their bowsprit, and with his cutlass boldly 
leaped upon their forecastle, which he not only took 



JOE MILLER. 291 

possession of, but forced his adversaries to fly for 
safety to the waist of the ship. A French officer, 
observing the uncommon behaviour of the British tar, 
rushed from the quarter-deck, to reproach so many of 
his men for running away from one ; and to convince 
them of his own honour, instantly made an attack 
upon Appleford, who however was fortunate enough 
to conquer him. His situation by this time becoming 
extremely dangerous, he thought it best to effect his 
retreat, as he was not at that time assisted on the spot 
by any of his countrymen: with this intention he again 
mounted the bowsprit, and by courageously springing 
from it, reached the poop-deck of his own ship at the 
moment when the vessels were drifting from each other. 
— During the confusion of the battle.the Marlborough 
was taken by several English ships for a Frenchman, 
more particularly so, as the whole of her colours had 
been shot away, but one white ensign which was then 
hoisted, This circumstance occasioned much de- 
struction from the fire of those ships which fell into 
the mistake. At length the solitary ensign was also 
shot away ; and by this circumstance, the honour of 
Old England for a moment appeared to suffer. From 
the impossibility of replacing the colours, it seemed 
as if the ship had struck to the French, an idea which 
operated so strongly on the mind of Appleford, that 
he loudly exclaimed, ■ The English colours shall 
never be dous'd where I am !' Then casting his eyes 
round the deck, he perceived the dead body of a ma- 
rine, who had been shot through the head ; he in- 
stantly stripped off his red coat, stuck it on a board- 
ing pike, and exalted it in the air, swearing that the 
Englishmen would not desert their colours, and that 
when all the red coats were gone, they would hoist 
blue jackets. The singularity of such conduct in- 
fused fresh spirit into the hardy sons of Neptune, and 
they bravely fought till the glorious moment when 
the terrific struggle ended in victory. 



292 JOE MILLER. 

936. — When Rochelle was besieged by the "Royal- 
ist armies in 1627, the inhabitants elected for their 
Mayor, Captain, and Governor, Jean Guiton. Thi3 
brave man at first modestly refused the office ; but 
being pressed by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up 
a poignard and said, ' I will be mayor since you wish 
it, but on the condition that I may be permitted to 
strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks 
of surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same 
to me, if I mention capitulating ; and I demand that 
this poignard lie always ready on the table, when we 
assemble in the Town House.' Cardinal de Richelieu, 
who conducted the operations of the siege, had raised 
a mole before the gate of the city, which shut up the 
entrance, and prevented provisions from reaching it. 
Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people 
had perished of hunger, and that death would soon 
sweep away all the inhabitants: — 'Well,' said he 
coolly, ' it will be sufficient if one remains to shut 
the gates.' 

937. — The spirit of litigation was, perhaps, never 
carried to a greater extent, than in the cause between 
two eminent potters of Handley Green, Staffordshire, 
for a sum of two pounds, nine shillings, and one 
penny. After being in chancery eleven years, from 
1749 to 1760, it was put an end to by John Morton 
and Handle Wilbraham, Esquires, to whom it was 
referred ; when they determined that the complainant 
filed his bill without any cause, and that he was in- 
debted to the defendant at the same time the sum for 
which he had brought this action. This they awarder 
him to pay, with a thousand guineas of costs ! 

938. — The longest suit on record in England, is 
one which existed between the heirs of Sir Thomas 
Talbot, Viscount Lisle, and the heirs of a Lord 
1'erkeley, respecting some property in the county of 
Gloucester, not far from Wotton-under-Edge. It 
began at the end of the reign of Edward the Fourth, 



JO! tfll.LLR. 293 

and was pending until the beginning of that of James 
the First, when it was finally compounded, being a 
period of not less than one hundred and twenty years ! 

939. — ' I have always remarked,' says the cele- 
brated traveller Ledyard, ' that women in all countries 
are civil, obliging, tender, and humane. To a woman, 
whether civilized or savage, I never addressed myself 
in the language of decency and friendship, without 
receiving a decent and friendly answer. With man, 
it has often been otherwise. In wandering over the 
barren plains of inhospitable Denmark ; through 
honest Sweden, and frozen Lapland ; rude and chur- 
lish Finland ; unprincipled Russia ; and the wide- 
spread regions of the wandering Tartar, if hungry, 
dry, cold, wet, or sick, the women have ever been 
friendly to me, and uniformly so ; and to add to this 
virtue (so worthy the appellation of benevolence), 
these actions have been performed in so free and 
kind a manner, that if I was dry, I drank the sweetest 
draught ; and if hungry I ate the coarsest morsel with 
a double relish. 

940. — When Admiral Cornwallis commanded the 
Canada, a mutiny broke out in the ship, on account 
of some accidental delay in the clerks paying some 
of the crew, in consequence of which they signed 
what is termed a round robin, wherein they declared, 
to a man, that they would not fire a gun till they 
were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this 
declaration, caused all hands to be called upon deck, 
and thus addressed them : * My lads, the money can- 
not be paid till we return to port, and as to your not 
fighting, that is mere nonsense : — I'll clap you along- 
side the first large ship of the enemy 1 see, and I 
know that the devil himself will not be able to keep 
you from it.' The tars were so pleased with this com- 
pliment that they all returned to their duty, better 
satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten 
times over. 



2fM JOB MILL Eft. 

941. — The late Earl of Pembroke, who had many 
good qualities, but always persisted inflexibly in his 
own opinion, which, as well as his conduct, was 
often very singular, thought of an expedient to pre- 
vent the exhortations and importunities of those 
about him. This was to feign himself deaf ; and 
under pretence of hearing very imperfectly, he would 
always form his answer not by what was really said 
to him, but by what he desired to have said. Among 
other servants was one who had lived with him from 
a child, and served him with great fidelity and affec- 
tion, till at length he became his coachman. This 
man by degrees got a habit of drinking, for which his 
lady often desired that he might be dismissed. My 
lord always answered, ' Yes, indeed, John is an ex- 
cellent servant/ — ' I say,' replied the lady, ' that he 
is continually drunk, and desire that he may be 
turned off.' — * Aye,' said his lordship, ' he has lived 
with me from a child, and, as you say, a trifle of 
wages should not part us.' John, however, one 
evening, as he was driving from Kensington, over- 
turned his lady in Hyde Park ; she was not much 
hurt, but when she came home, she began to rattle 
the earl. ' Here,' says she, • is that beast John, so 
drunk that he can scarcely stand ; he has overturned 
the coach, and if he is not discharged, may break 
our necks.' — ' Aye,' says my lord, * is poor John sick 1 
Alas, I am sorry for him.' — ' I am complaining,' says 
my lady, ' that he is drunk, and has overturned me.' 
— ' Aye,' answered his lordship, ' to be sure he has 
behaved very well, and shall have proper advice.' 
My lady, finding it hopeless to remonstrate, went 
away in a pet ; and my lord having ordered John 
into his presence, addressed him very coolly in these 
words : * John, you know 1 have a regard for you, 
and as long as you behave well you shall be taken 
care of in my family : my lady tells me you are taken 
ill, and indeed I see that you can hardly stand ; go 



JOE MILLER. 2S5 

to bed, and I will take care that you have proper 
advice.' John, being thus dismissed, was taken to 
bed, where, by his lordship's order, a large blister 
was put upon his head, another between his shoul- 
ders, and sixteen ounces of blood taken from his arm. 
John found himself next morning in a woful plight, 
and was soon acquainted with the whole process, 
and the reason upon which it was commenced. He 
had no remedy, however, but to submit, for he would 
rather have incurred as many more blisters than lose 
his place. My lord sent very formally twice a-day 
to know how he was, and frequently congratulated 
my lady upon John's recovery, whom he directed to 
be fed only with water-gruel, and to have no com- 
pany but an old nurse. In about a week, John hav- 
ing constantly sent word that he was well, my lord 
thought fit to understand the messenger, and said, 
1 that he was extremely glad to hear that the fever 
had left him, and desired to see him.' When John 
came in, ' Well., John,' says he, ' I hope this bout 
is over.' — ' Ah, my lord,' says John, ■ I humbly ask 
your lordship's pardon, and I promise never to com- 
mit the same fault again.' — 'Aye, aye,' says my lord, 
'you are right, nobody can prevent sickness, and if 
you should be sick again, John, I shall see it, though 
perhaps you should not complain, and I promise you 
shall always have the same advice, and the same 
attendance that you have had now.' — ' God bless 
your lordship,' says John, ' I hope there will be no 
need.' — ' So do I too,' said his lordship, ■ but as long 
as you do your duty to me, never fear, I shall do mine 
to you.' 

942. — When that great statesman, Lord Chatham, 
had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in 
view, he sent orders to Lord Anson to see the neces- 
sary arrangements taken immediately, and the num- 
ber of ships required, properly fitted out by a given 
time. On the receipt of the orders, Mr. Cleveland 



2<V) JOF MILLER. 

was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on the 
impossibility of obeying them. He found his lord- 
ship in the most excruciating pain, from one of the 
most severe fits of the gout he had ever experienced. 
'Impossible, Sir,' said he, ' don't talk to me of im- 
possibilities :' and then raising himself upon his legs, 
while the sweat stood in large drops upon his fore- 
head, and every fibre of his body was convulsed with 
agony, ■ Go, Sir, and tell his lordship, that he has to 
do with a minister who actually treads upon impos- 
sibilities.' 

943. — Dr. Goldsmith, sitting one evening at the 
tavern where he was accustomed to take his supper, 
called for a mutton chop, which was no sooner placed 
on the table, than a gentleman near him, with whom 
he was intimately acquainted, shewed great tokens 
of uneasiness, and wondered how the Doctor could 
suffer the waiter to place such a stinking chop before 
him. ' Stinking l' said Goldsmith, ■ in good troth I 
do not smell it.' — ■ I never smelled any thing so un- 
pleasant in my life,' answered the gentleman j ■ the 
fellow deserves a caning for bringing you meat unfit 
to eat.' — ■ In good troth,' said the poet, relyiug on 
his judgment, ■ I think so too ; but 1 will be less se- 
vere in my punishment.' He instantly called the 
waiter, and insisted that he should eat the chop as a 
punishment. The waiter resisted ; but the Doctor 
threatened to knock him down with his cane if he did 
not immediately comply. When he had eaten half 
the chop, the Doctor gave him a glass of wine, think- 
ing that it would make the remainder of the sentence 
less painful to him. When the waiter had finished 
his repast, Goldsmith's friend burst into aloud laugh. 
4 What ails you now '!' said the poet. — ' Indeed, my 
£ood friend,' said the other, ' 1 could never think 
iiat a man whose knowledge of letters is so exten- 
sive as yours, could be so great a dupe to a stroke of 
Aumour ; the chop was as fine a one as ever I saw in 



JOE mi: LER. 297 

my life.'— 'Was itV said Dr. Goldsmith, * then I 
will never give credit to what you say again ; and so, 
in good troth. I think I am even with you.' What a 
truly mortifying answer must this have been, if the 
heart of hi acquaintance was not callous to reproof. 

944. — A loving husband once waited on a physi- 
cian to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, 
which were very sore. ' Let her wash them,' said 
the doctor, * every morning with a small glass of 
brandy.* A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to 
In jet the husband. — ' Well, my friend, has your wife 
Allowed my advice V — ■ She has done every thing in 
her power to do it, doctor,' said the spouse, 'but she 
never could get the glass higher than her mouth.' 

945. — After the battle of Culloden, in the year 
1745, a reward of thirty thousand pounds was of- 
fered to any one who should discover or deliver up 
the young Pretender. He had taken refuge with the 
Kennedies, two common thieves, who protected him 
with the greatest fidelity, robbed for his support, and 
often went in disguise to Inverness to purchase pro- 
visions for him. A considerable time afterwards» 
one of these men, who had resisted the temptation of 
thirty thousand pounds from a regard to his honour, 
was hanged for stealing a cow of the value of thirty 
shillings. 

946. — When George I. succeeded to the throne of 
England, he brought over with him from Hanover his 
cook, to whom he was extremely partial. After 
some stay at St. James's, the cook grew melancholy, 
and wanted leave to return home to Hanover. The 
king being informed of this, desired to see him ; and 
when the cook came into his presence, he asked him 
why he wished to leave his service. The cook re- 
plied : ' I have long served your majesty with dili- 
gence and honesty, and never suffered any of your 
property to be embezzled in your kitchen ; but here 
the dishes no sooner come from the table, than one 
02 



298 JOB IflLLfcn. 

steals a fowl, another a pig, a third takes a joint of 
meat, a fourth a pie, and so on, till the whole is 
gone ; and I cannot bear to see your majesty so in- 
jured.' The king laughed heartily, and said, ■ My 
revenues here are sufficient to enable me to bear 
these things, and therefore, to reconcile you to your 
place, do you steal as well as the rest, and mind that 
you take enough.' The cook followed his master's 
advice, and in a short time become more expert than 
his fellow-servants. 

947. — John HorneTooke's opinion upon the sub- 
ject of law was admirable. ' Law,' he said, ■ ought 
to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be 
easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor.' 
A person observed to him, how excellent are the Eng- 
lish laws, because they are impartial, and our courts 
of justice are open to all persons without distinction. 
* And so,' said Tooke, ' is the London Tavern, to such 
as can afford to pay for their entertainment.' 

948. — General Wolfe invited a Scotch officer to 
dine with him : the same day he was also invited by 
some brother officer. * You must excuse me,' said 
he to them : ' I am already engaged to Wolfe.' — A 
smart young ensign observed, he might as well have 
expressed himself with more respect, and said General 
Wolfe. — * Sir,' said the Scotcn officer, with great 
promptitude, * we never say General Alexander, or 
General Caesar.' Wolfe, who was within hearing, 
by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged 
the pleasure he felt at the high compliment. 

949. — While Commodore Anson's ship, the Cen- 
turion, was engaged in close fight with the rich Spa- 
nish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor 
came running to him, and cried out, ' Sir, our ship 
is on fire very near the powder magazine.' — ' Then 
pray, friend,' said the commodore, not in the least 
degree discomposed, ' run back and assist in putting 
it out.' 



JOE MILLER. 299 

950. — • Madam,' said the keeper at the gate of 
Kensington Gardens, ■ I cannot permit you to take 
your dog into the garden.' — ' Don't you see, my eood 
friend/ said the lady, putting a couple of shillings 
into the keeper's hand, ■ that it is a cat, and not a 
dog V — ' Madam,' said the keeper, instantly soften- 
ing the tone of his voice, ■ I beg your pardon for my 
mistake ; I now see clearly, by the aid of the pair of 
spectacles you have been so good as to give me, that 
it is a cat, and not a dog.' 

951. — The Americans are so inquisitive, that Dr. 
Franklin tells us, when he travelled in America, and 
wished to ask his road, he found it necessary to save 
time by prefacing his question with — ' My name is 
Benjamin Franklin — I am by trade a printer ; I am 
come from such a place, and am going to such a place ; 
and now tell me which is my road.' 

952. — Elwes, the noted miser, used to say, ( if 
you keep one servant, your work is done ; if you 
keep two, it is half done ; and if you keep three, you 
may do it yourself.' 

953. — The expression of Garrick's eyes, and the 
flexibility of his features, are well known to have 
given him the most extraordinary advantages in the 
representation of various characters. He sometimes 
availed himself of these natural assistances, to pro- 
duce a ludicrous scene among his friends. He fre- 
quently visited Mr. Rigby, of Misley Thorn, in Essex. 
Mr. Rigby one day inquired of his servant, what 
company was arrived. The servant said, Lord M — 
was come, and had brought with him a short gentle- 
man with very bright eyes, meaning Mr. Garrick. 
4 Why have I not the pleasure of seeing them here V 
Said Mr. Rigby. — ' I don't know,' said the servant, 
how long it will be before my lord can make his ap- 
pearance, ; for the case is this : the barber came to 
shave his lordship ; and just as he had shaved harf 
nis lordship's face, the short gentleman with the 



300 JOB MILLER, 

bright eyes began to read the newspaper to him ; but 
he lead it in such a droll way, and made so many odd 
faces, that my lord laughed, and the barber laughed, 
and when 1 went into the room I could not help 
laughing too ; so that, Sir, if you don't send for the 
short gentleman, his lordship must appear at dinner 
with one side of his face smooth, and the other with 
a beard of two days* growth.' 

954. — Dr. Johnson insisted upon the necessity of 
the subordination of rank in society. ■ Sir,' said he 
to Mr. Boswell, ' there is one Mrs. Macauley in 
this town, a great republican. One day, when I was 
at her house, I put on a very grave countenance, and 
said, " Madam, I am become a convert to your sys- 
tem. To give you a decisive proof I am in earnest, 
here is a very sensible well-behaved fellow-citizen, 
your footman, I desire that he may be allowed to sit 
down and dine with us." She has never liked me 
since this proposal. Your levellers wish to level down 
as far as themselves, but they cannot bear levelling 
up to themselves.' 

955. — As Charles XIT. of Sweden was dictating a 
letter to his secretary during the siege of Stralsund, 
a bomb fell through the roof into the next room in 
the house where they were sitting. The terrified 
secretary let the pen drop from his hand. ' What is 
the matter?' said Charles, calmly. The secretary 
replied, ' Ah, sire, the bomb !' — ' But what has the 
bomb to do,' said Charles, 'with what I am dictat- 
ing to you ? — go on.' 

956. — A fellow, walking down Holborn-hill on 
a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman, 
without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, 
and courteously asked him what was the matter? 
1 Sir,' says the old man, * an impudent puppy has 
• snatched my hat off, and run away with it : I 
have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, 
and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step far 



JOE MILLER. 301 

ther.'— ' What, not a step 1 .' says the fellow. 'Not 
a step,' returned he. ' Why then, by Jupiter, I must 
have your uig ;' and snatching off his fine flowing 
caxon, the thief was out of sight with it in a minute. 

9i7. — A gentleman crossing a very narrow 
bridge, which was not railed on either side to secure 
passengers from falling, said to a countryman whom 
he met, * Methinks this narrow causeway must be 
very dangerous, honest friend ! pray are not people 
lost here sometimes?' — * Lost ! — no, Sir,' replied the 
man ; ' I never knew any body lost here in my life ; 
there have been several drowned indeed, but they 
were always found again.' 

958. — The Earl of P kept a number of swine 

at hi< seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one 
day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round 
one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity 
prompted him to see what was the cause, and on 
looking into the trough he perceived a large silver 
spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, 
and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. ' Well 
they may,' said his lordship, ' when they have got 
but one silver spoon among them all.' 

9.T9. — Dr. John Taylor, the learned critic and 
philologist, though a close student, was of a temper 
remarkably social, and possessed talents fitted to 
adorn and gladden society. An intimate friend and 
fellow-collegian of the doctor informs us, ' If you 
called on him in the college after dinner, you were 
sure to find him sitting at an old oval walnut-table 
covered with books : yet when you began to make 
apologies for disturbing a person so well employed, 
he immediately told you to advance, and called out, 
"John, John, bring pipes and glasses," and instantly 
appeared as cheerful and good-humoured, as if he 
Lad not been at all engaged or interrupted. Suppose 
now, you had staid as long as you would, and been 
entertained by him most agreeably, you took your 



302 JOB MI LI ru 

leave, and got halfway down the stairs ; but recol- 
lecting somewhat you had to say to him, you L r <> in 
again ; the bottles and glasses were gone, the books 
had expanded themselves so as to re-occupy the 
whole table, and he was just as much buried in them 
as when you first came in.' 

960.— Dr. Moncey was always strangely infatu- 
ated with fears of the public funds, a bug-bear thai 
drove him to risk his money on troublesome securi- 
ties, and ultimately produced heavy losses. lie 
used to speak feelingly of a Welsh parson and a 
London attorney. The doctor was frequently anxi- 
ous, in his absence from his apartment, for a place 
of safety in which to deposit his cash and notes ; 
bureaus and strong boxes, he was conscious, had 
often failed in security. Previous to a journey to 
Norfolk to visit his brother and friends during the 
hot weather in July, he chose the fire-place of his 
sitting-room for his treasury, and placed bank-notes 
and cash to a considerable amount in that unusual 
situation, in one corner, under the cinders and shav- 
ings. On his return after a month's absence, he 
found his old woman (as he: always called his house- 
keeper) preparing to treat a friend or two with a cup 
of tea; and by way of shewing respect to her guests, 
the parlour (or master's sitting-room) fire-place was 
chosen to make the kettle boil, as she never expected 
her master till she saw him. The fire had not long 
been lighted, when her master arrived at the critical 
moment. When the doctor entered the room the 
company had scarcely began tea. He ran across 
the room like a madman, saying, ' Hang it, you have 
ruined me for ever: you have burned all my bank- 
notes !' — First went the contents of the slop-bason, 
then the tea-pot ; then he rushed to the pump in the 
kitchen, and brought a pail of water, which he threw 
partly over the fire and partly over the company, 
who in the utmost consternation, got out of his way 



JOE MILLER. 303 

as speedily as possible. His housekeeper, afterwards 
Mrs. Marriot, cried out, ' For God's sake, Sir, for- 
bear ; you will spoil the steel stove aud fire irons.' 
— ' D — n the irons, you, your company and all ! 
(replied the doctor) you have ruined and undone me 
for ever; you have burned my bank-notes.' — 'Lord, 
Sir (said the half-drowned woman), who'd think of 
putting- bank-notes in a bath stove, where a fire is 
ready laid V — ' And (resumed he) who'd think of 
making a fire in the summer time, where there has not 
been one for these several months V He then pulled 
out all the coals and cinders, and at one coiner he 
found the remains of his bank-notes, for being twice 
folded, one quarter of them so doubled, wrapt in 
brown paper, was entire, so as to *^e legible. Next 
day Dr. Moncey went to Lord Godolphin's, told his 
lordship the story, producing the remains of the notes, 
and with such energetic gestures in acting the part 
of finding them, as greatly diverted the noble lord. 
He told the doctor, however, that he would go with 
him to the Bank the next day, and get the cash for him, 
through his influence, and would be collateral secu- 
rity for the doctor's integrity and honesty as to their 
value. Lord Godolphin having occasion to see the 
king that day on business, told his majesty the story 
of Moncey and his bank-notes. Being well ac- 
quainted with the doctor's strange character, the king 
resolved to go to lord Godolphin's next morning, 
and conceal himself in a closet. When Moncey 
came, it was agreed, that lord Godolphin should ask 
him to repeat the story, which upon his arrival, lord 
Godolphin effected with much difficulty. His ma- 
jesty was so highly diverted, that, in attempting to 
stifle the mirth it excited, and to withdraw unper- 
ceived, he stumbled, and the closet door opened. 
The doctor was much chagrined with lord Godolphin 
for running the laugh on him, and just broke out 
1 G— d' when his majesty appeared, and on see- 



304 JOE MILLER. 

ing him, the doctor continued . * bless your majesty ! 
this may be a joke with you and his lordship, but 
with me a loss of nearly four hundred pounds.' — ' No, 
no (replied lord Godolphin), for I am ready to go 
with you immediately, and get your notes renewed, 
or the money for them.' Lord Godolphin ordered 
his carriage, and agreed to meet the doctor at the 
room in the Bank, where some of the directors daily 
attend. The doctor being obliged to go to the Horse 
Guards, on business, took water at Whitehall for 
the Bank. In going down the river his curiosity 
excited him to pull out his pocket-book, to see if 
the remains of his notes were safe ; when a sudden 
puff of wind blew them out of his pocket-book into 

the river. ■ Put back, you sons of b ! put back 

— (says the doctor) my bank-notes are overboard !' 
He was instantly obeyed, and when they reached 
them, he took his hat and dipped it in the water, in- 
closing the notes and a hatful! of water. In this 
state he put it under his arm, and desired to be set 
on shore immediately. He was landed at the Three 
Cranes, walked straight to the Bank, and was shewn 
into the room where lord Godolphin had just before 
arrived, and had given notice of Dr. Moncey's com- 
ing. — ' What have you under your arm V said lord 
Godolphin : 'The notes,' replied the doctor, throw- 
ing his hat with the contents on the table, among 
all their books and papers ; and with such a force, 
as to scatter the water in the faces of all who were 
standing near it. 'There (said the doctor) take the 
remainder of your notes, for neither fire nor water 
will consume them !' 

%1. — Dr. Ridclitw was remarkable for a sud- 
den thought in extraordinary cases : he was once 
sent for into the country to a gentleman who was 
Iy ill of a quinsey ; and the doctor soon 
perceived that no application, internal or external, 
would be of any service ; upon which he desired the 



joe mill: r. 305 

lady of the house to order the cook to make a large 
hasty-pudding ; and when it was done, to let hii 
own servant bring it up. While the cook was about 
it, he took his man aside, and instructed him what 
he was to do. In a short time the man brought up 
the pudding in great order, and set it on the table, 
in full view of the patient. ' Come, John,' said he, 
' you love hasty-pudding, eat some along with me, 
for I believe you came out without your breakfast.' 
Both began with their spoons, but John's spoon go- 
ing twice to his master's once, the doctor took occa- 
sion to quarrel with him, and dabbed a spoonful of 
hot pudding in his face ; John resented it, and threw 
another at his master. This put the doctor in a 
passion ; and, quitting his spoon, he took the pud- 
ding up by handfuls, and threw it at his man ; who 
battled him again in the same manner, till they were 
both in a most woeful pickle. The patient, who had 
a full view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the 
fancy, that he burst into a laughter, which broke the 
quinsey, and cured him. The doctor and his man 
were well rewarded. 

962. — ' Sitting once in my library/ says Mr. 
Harris, * with a friend, a worthy but melancholy 
man, I read him out of a book the following passage : 
"In our time it may be spoken more truly than of 
old, that virtue is gone, the church is under foot, the 
clergy is in error, the devil reigneth." My friend 
interrupted me with a sigh, and said, "Alas! how 
true ! how just a picture of the times !" I asked him 
of what times 1 " Of what times !" replied he with 
emotion ; " can you suppose any other but the pre- 
sent — were any before ever so corrupt, so badl" — 
" Forgive me," said I, u for stopping you ; the times 
I am reading of are older than you imagine ; the 
sentiment was delivered about four hundred years 
ugo ; its author was Sir John Mandeville, who died 
in 1571." ' 



306 JOC MILLFR. 

963. — A recruitino serjeant addressing an ho- 
nest country bumpkin in one of the streets in Man- 
chester, with — ■ Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy 
king, won't thou V — ' Voight for my king/ answered 
Hodge, ■ why, has he fawn out wi' ony body V 

964. — After a battle lately between two cele- 
brated pugilists, an Irishman made his way to the 
chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had 
been conveyed, and said to him, ■ How are you, my 
good fellow 1 can you see at all with the eye that's 
knocked out?' 

96h. — Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday stumbled 
into a Presbyterian church, probably to beguile a 
few idle moments (for few will accuse that gentle- 
man of having been a warm admirer of Calvinism), 
and seeing the parson apparently overwhelmed by 
the importance of his subject : — ■ What the devil 
makes the man greet V said Pitcairn to a fellow that 
stood near him. ■ By my faith, Sir,' answered the 
other, * you would perhaps greet too, if you were in 
his place, and had as little to say.' — ' Come along 
with me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you 
are too good a fellow to be here,' said Pitcairn, de- 
lighted with the man's repartee. 

966. — The following passage occurs in the Jour- 
nal of the Rev. J. Wesley, under the date of Thurs- 
day, 27th of December, 1744. — ■ I called on the so- 
licitor whom I had employed in the suit lately com- 
menced against me in chancery. And here I first 
saw that foul monster, a chancery bill ! A scroll it 
was of forty-two pages in large folio, to tell a story 
which need not have taken up forty lines ! And 
stuffed with such stupid, senseless, improbable lies 
(many of them too quite foreign to the question), as 
I believe would have cost the compiler his life, in any 
heathen court either of Greece or Rome. And this 
is equity in a Christian country ! This is the English 
method of redressing grievances.' 



JOE MILLER. 307 

967. — The Duke of Bridgewater was a very shy 
man and much disliked general society ; and was 
either denied to morning visitors, or contrived to slip 
out of the way when any one called on him. The 
clergyman of the parish, .Mr. Kenyon, who had some 
particular business with him respecting the tithes of 
the parish, had often tried to gain admittance to him, 
but in vain, being always told that his grace was 
very busy, or was not at home. Determined, how- 
ever, to have an interview with him, Mr. K. called at 
a very early hour in the morning, thinking he should 
be certain, by this plan, of finding the duke at home. 
But still he was disappointed, the servant giving the 
customary answer, that his grace was gone out. 
Mr. Kenyon, fully assured that this was not the case, 
and steady to his point, loitered about the house, that 
he might catch its noble owner when he quitted it. 
In a short time he perceived his grace slip out of a 
back door. Mr. Kenyon did not shew himself, lest 
the duke, seeing him, might slip in again, but kept 
his eye upon him, till he saw him cross a field, and 
take the way to his navigation. He then walked 
hastily after the object of his pursuit ; but not being 
able to conceal himself, was soon discovered by the 
duke. His grace, perceiving that he must be over- 
taken, instantly took to his heels : Mr. Kenyon did 
the same. They both ran stoutly for some time, till 
the duke, seeing he had the worst of the course, 
turned aside and jumped into a saw-pit. He was fol- 
lowed in a trice, into his place of refuge, by his pur- 
suer, who immediately exclaimed, ■ Now, my lord 
duke, I have you.' His grace burst into a fit of 
laughter, and the business of the tithe was quickly 
and amicably settled. 

968. — The late Duke of N , who was what is 

called a six-bottle man, was very fond of the society 
of a person much his inferior in rank ; and their in- 
timacy has been very rationally accounted for. on the 



308 JOB MILLER. 

principle of mutual assistance. The duke, when in- 
ebriated, lost his voice, but retained the use of his 
limbs ; his friend, on the contrary, retained his power 
of speech, but could not stand. So the duke, who 
could not speak, rang the bell ; and his friend, who 
could not move, ordered more wine. 

969. — Some time after the Eddystone lighthouse 
was erected, a shoemaker engaged to be light-keeper. 
When in the boat which conveyed him thither, the 
skipper addressing him, said,' How happens it, Jacob, 
that you should choose to go and be cooped up here 
as a light-keeper, when you can on shore, as I am 
told, earn half-a-crown and three shillings a day in 
making leathern hose (leathern pipes so called) ; 
whereas the light-keeper's salary is but 25/. a year, 
which is scarce ten shillings a week?' — ' Every one 
to his taste,' replied Jacob, promptly. ' I go to be 
a light-keeper, because I don't like confinement.'' 
After this answer had produced its share of merri- 
ment, Jacob explained himself by saying, that he did 
not like to be confined to work. — At first there were 
only two light-keepers stationed on this solitary pile ; 
but an incident of a very extraordinary and distress- 
ing nature, which occurred, shewed the necessity of 
an additional hand. One of the two keepers took 
ill, and died. The dilemma in which this occurrence 
left the survivor, was singularly painful. Appre- 
hensive that if he tumbled the dead body into the 
sea, which was the only way in his power to dispose 
of it, he might be charged with murder, he was in- 
duced for sonic time to let the dead body lie, in hopes 
that the attending boat might be able to land, and 
relieve him from the distress he was in. By degrees 
the body became so putrid, that it was not in his 
power to get quit of it without help, for it was near 
a month before the boat could effect a landing ; and 
then it was not without the greatest difficulty that it 
could be done when they did land. To such a de- 



JOE MILLER. 309 

gree was the whole building filled with the stench of 
the corpse, that it was all they could do to get the 
dead body disposed of, and thrown into the sea ; and 
it was some time after that, before the rooms could 
be freed from the offensive stench that was left. 
What a situation for the solitary survivor to have 
been left in ! what a price did he pay for an innocent 
reputation ! The tale is a rival even to that of Me- 
zentius. 

970. — Mr. Palmer going home, after the business 
of the theatre was concluded one evening, saw a man 
lying on the ground, with another on him beating 
him violently ; upon this he remonstrated with the 
uppermost, telling him his conduct was unfair, and 
that he ought to let his opponent get up, and have 
an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly turned 
up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, ' Faith, 
Sir, if you had been at as much trouble to get him 
down as I have, you would not be for letting him get 
up so readily.' 

971. — A sailor, who had been many years absent 
from his mother, who lived in an inland county, re- 
turned to his native village, after a variety of voyages 
to different parts of the globe, and was heartily wel- 
comed by the good old woman, who had long con- 
sidered him as lost. Soon after his arrival, the old 
lady became inquisitive, and desirous to learn what 
strange things her son John had seen upon the 
mighty deep. Amongst a variety of things that Jack 
recollected, he mentioned his having frequently seen 
flying fish. * Stop, Johnny,' said his mother, ' don't 
try to impose such monstrous impossibilities on me, 
child ; for, in good troth, I could as soon believe 
you had seen flying cows ; for cows, you know, John, 
can live out of the water. Therefore, tell me ho- 
nestly what you have seen in reality, but no more 
falsehoods, Johnny.' — Jack felt himself affronted ; 
and turning his quid about, when pressed for more 



310 JOE MILLER. 

information, he said, prefacing it with an oath, ' May- 
hap, mother, you won't believe me, when I tell you, 
that casting anchor once in the Red Sea, it was with 
difficulty that we hove it up again ; which was oc- 
casioned, do you see, mother, by a large wheel hang- 
ing on one of the flukes of the anchor. It appeared 
a strange old Grecian to look at, so we hoisted it in ; 
and our captain, do ye mind me, being a scholar, 
overhauled him, and discovered it was one of Pha- 
raoh's chariot wheels, when he was capsized in the 
Red Sea.' This suited the meridian of the old lady's 
understanding. * Ay, ay, Johnny,' cried she, ' I 
can believe this, for we read of this in the Bible ; 
but never talk to me again of flying fish/ 

972. — During the riots of 1780, most persons in 
London, in order to save their houses from being 
burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, ' No 
Popery V Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote 
on his, ■ No Religion !' 

973. — The following strange but well -attested oc- 
currence, which actually took place lately in the 
neighbourhood of Taunton, will remind our readers of 

• Him who took the Doctor's bill, 
And swallowed it instead of the pill/ 

A man-servant in the employ of the Rev. Dr. Pal- 
mer, of Yarcombe, being taken ill, the medical at- 
tendant of the family was sent for, who prepared for 
the man a bolus from the family medicine-chest, and 
having wrapped up in paper the grain weights used 
in weighing out the proper proportions of the drugs, 
left them on the table, and near to them the bolus, 
which he desired one of the females of the house to 
carry to the man-servant, with instructions to take 
it immediately in treacle. Some hours afterwards 
his master came to inquire about the patient, and 
found him suffering under very uneasy symptoms, 
which the man attributed to the strange kind of me- 



JOE MILLER. 811 

dicine the doctor had ordered for him, and which he 
said he ' should never have got through with, had he 
not cut it into smaller pieces,' but * he thanked God, 
though it was rather rough and sharpish, he had got 
it all down.' This account puzzled his master ex- 
ceedingly, who, however, soon discovered that the 
man had actually swallowed in treacle, a complete 
set of brass grain weights, instead of the bolus, which 
was found lying harmlessly on the table in his mas- 
ter's room. Proper remedies were immediately 
adopted for dislodging this uncommon dose from the 
man's stomach, who subsequently recovered from his 
illness. 

974. — A lady, who made pretensions to the most 
refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate 
with him on his cruel practices. ' How,' said she, 
* can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little 
lambs to death]' — 'Why not! madam/ said the 
butcher ; ' you would not eat them alive, would you V 

975. — In the great Dutch war, in the reign of 
Charles II. the English fleet and that of Holland 
fought in the Channel for three days successively, 
engaged in the day, and lying-too at night ; but, 
just as they were preparing to renew the action, ad- 
vice came off that an armistice was concluded upon, 
and the hostile parties began to exchange mutual ci- 
vilities. On board a Dutch man of war, which lay 
alongside an English first-rate, was a sailor so re- 
markably active, as to run to the mast-head, and 
stand upright upon the truck, after which he would 
cut several capers, and conclude with standing upon 
his head, to the great astonishment and terror of the 
spectators. On coming down from this exploit, all 
his countrymen expressed their joy by huzzaing, and 
thereby signifying their triumph over the English. 
One of our bold tars, piqued for the honour of his 
country, ran up to the top like a cat, and essayed, 
with all his might, to throw up his heels like the 



31U JOE MILLER. 

Dutchman, but not having the skill, he missed his 
poise, and came down rather faster than he went up. 
The rigging, however, broke his fall, and he lighted 
on his feet unhurt. As soon as he had recovered 
his speech, lie ran to the side and exultingly cried 
out to the Dutchman, 4 There, you lubber, do that if 
you can.' 

976. — The following curious circumstance oc- 
curred a few years ago, at a country village near 
Horncastle, in Lincolnshire A boy, belonging to 
a chimney-sweeper at Louth, taking his usual rounds 
in the country, called at a farm house in the above 
village, late in the evening ; but it not being conve- 
nient to employ him till the morning following, the 
farmer informed him he might, if he thought proper, 
sleep in his barn, which he very readily agreed to. 
He accordingly made himself a comfortable bed 
among the straw, and went to rest. Some time in 
the night, he was awakened by two men entering 
the barn with a lanthorn and candle, and each of 
them a sack ; he immediately supposing they were 
not about their lawful business, lay still to watch 
their motions, when they began to consult how they 
might place the light till they had filled their sacks 
from the corn heap. Seeing they were at a loss how 
to proceed, he crept softly from his couch, and with 
an audible voice said, ' Gentlemen, I'll hold the 
candle.' Turning round suddenly they beheld the 
knight of the brush, in his sable dress, and supposing 
him to be a messenger from the infernal region*, 
threw down their sacks and lanthorn, and immedi- 
ately decamped. 

977. — Some time ago, the Honourable Mr. Charles 
Fox, having an old gaming debt to pay to Sir John 
L. or rather, as he is familiarly styled, Sir John 
Jehu ; finding himself in cash, after a lucky run «t 
the Pharo-Table, he sent a card of compliments to 
Sir John, desiring to see him, in order to discharge 



JOE MILLER. 313 

his demand. When they met, Charles immediately 
produced the money ; which Sir John no sooner sa\* 
than he called for pen and ink, and very deliberately 
began to reckon up the interest. — ' What are you 
doing now ?' cried Charles. — ' Only calculating what 
the interest amounts to!' replied the other. — 'Are 
you so !' returned Charles, coolly ; and, at the same 
time pocketing again the cash, which he had already 
thrown on the table — 'Why, I thought, Sir John, that 
my debt to you was a debt of honour ; but, as you seem 
to view it in another light, and mean seriously to make 
a trading debt of it, I must inform you, that I make it 
an invariable rule, to pay my Jew-creditors last. You 
must, therefore, wait a little longer for your money, 
Sir: and, when I meet my money-lending Israelites, 
for the payment of principal and interest,!, shall most 
certainly think of Sir John Jehu, and expect to have 
the honour of seeing him in the company of my worthy 
friends from Duke's Place !' 

978. — When Patrick Henry, who gave the first 
impulse to the ball of the American revolution, in- 
troduced his celebrated resolution on the stamp act 
into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May 1765), 
he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of 
the obnoxious act, ' Caesar had his Brutus ; Charles 
the First his Cromwell ; and George the Third' — 
' Treason V cried the speaker ; ' treason ! treason " 
echoed from every part of the house. It was one ot 
those trying moments which are decisive of character. 
Henry faltered not for an instant ; but rising to a 
loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye 
flashing with fire, continued, ■ may profit by their 
example. If this be treason, make the most of it.' 

979. — One of the Dover stages, on its way to 
London, was stopped by a single highwayman, who 
was informed by the coachman there were no inside 
passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was 
a sailor. The robber then proceeded to exercise his 
P 



314 Joli MILLER. 

employment on the tar ; when waking him out of 
hia sleep Jack demanded what lie wanted ; to which 
the son of plunder replied, 4 Your money.' — ' Yon 
shan't have it.' said .lack. ' No !' replied the roll' 
' then I'll blow your brains out.' — ' Blow away then, 
you land-lubber,' cried Jack, squirting the tobacco- 
iuice out of his mouth, ■ 1 may as well go to London 
without brains as without money : drive on, coach- 
man.' 

\hA). — M. Otto the French ambassador to the 
British Court, displayed a most splendid illumina- 
tion at his house in Portland Place, on account of 
the signing of the definitive treaty of peace betwixt 
Great Britain and France. Whilst this illumination 
was in preparation, two British tars happened to pass 
his house ; when they observed in a transparency 
the words ■ Peace and Concord,' which they read, 
Peace Conquered* ' They conquer Peace, a set of frog- 
eating lubbers,' exclaimed one of the tars, and im- 
mediately knocked at M. Otto's door, insisting to see 
that gentleman. M. Otto made his appearance : 
the enraged tars demanded the reason of his presum- 
ing to insult the British nation. M, Otto in vain 
i pted to explain the meaning of the words. But 
nothing would satisfy the gallant fellows ; they per- 
emptorily insisted on his removing the obnoxious 
word 'concord,' which M. Otto, with much politeness, 
promised to do, and actually altered the sentiment 
to ' Peace and Amity.' 

981. — Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, 
called one day upon a bookseller in Paternoster-row, 
the publisher of his works, by way of inquiring into 
the literary and other news of the day. After some 
chat, the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine 
with the seller of his wit and poetry. Our author 
consented to accept of a little negus as aD innocent 
morning beverage ; when instantly was presented 
to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man 



JOE MLLER. 

carved on it. * Fh ! eh!' says the doctor. ' what 
have we here V — ' A man's skull,' replied the book- 
seller ; ' a poet's for what I know.' — ■ Nothing more 
likely,' rejoined the facetious doctor, *f>r it is uni- 
versally known that all you booksellers drink your wine 
from our skulls.' 

982. — When Quin and Garrick performed at the 
same theatre, and in the same play, the night being 
very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortifi- 
cation of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair came up first. 
1 Let me get into the chair,' cried the surly veteran, 
1 let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into 
the lantern.' — * By all means,' said Garrick ; ' I 
shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in any 
thing.' 

983. — When a late duchess of Bedford was last 
at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was 
the medical farce of the day, for the faculty to resolve 
every complaint of whim and caprice into • a shock 
of the nervous system.' Her grace, after inquiring 
of many of her friends in the rooms what brought 
them there, and being generally answered for a ner- 
vous complaint, was asked in her turn, ' What 
brought her to Buxton V — 'I came only for pleasure,' 
answered the healthy duchess ; ■ for, thank God, T 
was born before nerves came into fashion.' 

984. — One of the most flattering and ingenious 
compliments Frederick ever paid, was that which he 
addressed to the celebrated General Laudohn, at the 
time of his interview with the emperor at the camp 
of Neiss. After they had discoursed for about an 
hour, the twomonarchs sat down to dinner, with the 
princes and general officers in their train. Marshal 
Laudohn, who had been invited among the rest, was 
about to seat himself at the bottom of the table, but 
the king made him come and sit by him, saying, ■ Come 
here, General Laudohn ; I have always wished to see 
you on my side, instead of facing me.' 



316 JOE MILLER. 

985c — George III. having purchased ahorse, the 
dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, com- 
pletely written over. ' What's this V said his ma- 
jesty, ■ The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you 
have just bought,' was the answer. * Take it back, 
take it back,' said the king laughing ; ' it will do very 
well for the next horse you sell.' 

986. — A French officer quarrelling with a Swiss, 
reproached him with his country's vice, of fighting 
on either side for money, while we * Frenchmen,' said 
he, ■ fight for honour.' — f Yes, Sir/ replied the Swiss, 
* every one fights for that which he most wants.' 

987. — When the late Mr. Windham, the war mi- 
nister, was upon a trip to the continent, he met with 
a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his in- 
quiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church 
of England, to which he received satisfactory answers; 
those, however, were succeeded by others of a more 
difficult nature, particularly as to the manner in 
which some English preachers manufacture their ser- 
mons. Upon Mr. Windham's confessing his igno- 
rance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of dis- 
appointment, exclaimed, ' Why then I find, Sir, after 
all the conversation we have had, that I have been 
deceived as to your profession. They told me you 
were an English minister.' 

988. — Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in 
his younger days, with the Earl of Salisbury, to 
whom he was indebted for a considerable living in 
Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king 
(George I.) asked him how long he had resided at 
Rome with Lord Salisbury. Upon his answering him 
how long, — ' Why,' said the king, ■ you staid there 
long enough ; how is it you did not convert the pope ?' 
— ' Because, Sir,' replied the doctor, ' I had nothing 
better to offer him.' 

989. — In the year 1818, as the Duke of Welling- 
ton was on a sporting visit at the seat of the Marquis 



JOE MILLER. 317 

of Salisbury, Hatfield, he met with the following cu- 
rious adventure : — A farmer, who had been much 
annoyed by the hunters riding across his corn, di- 
rected his shepherd to stake up and make fast all his 
gates that adjoin the roads. It so happened that the 
duke rode up to one of these gates which the shep- 
herd was lolling over, and who was directed by the 
duke to open the gate for him. The shepherd re- 
fused compliance, and told him to go round, for he 
should not ride over his master's corn. The duke 
therefore rode off. When the man went home, his 
master inquired of him if he had stopped the hunters ] 
' Aye, matter,' quoth the shepherd, ' that 1 have — and 
not only them, but that soldier man that Buonaparte 
could not stop!' The farmer took an early opportu- 
nity of apologizing to Lady Salisbury for the rude- 
ness of his servant, and stated that had he been aware 
that the noble duke was to have been out that day 
his gates should not have been fastened, and at the 
same time mentioned what his man had said, which 
on being related to the duke, caused, as may be ex- 
pected, a hearty laugh. 

990. — When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a 
consultation of physicians was called. * Dear gen- 
tlemen,' said the wit to the doctors, raising his lan- 
guid head, ' let me die a natural death.' 

991. — Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the com- 
mon size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, 
by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, * May 
I pass to my seat, O Giant V W T hen the doctor, po- 
litely making way, replied, ■ Pass, O Pigmy !' — ■ Oh ! 
Sir,' said the baronet, ■ my expression alluded to the 
size of your intellect.' — ' And my expression, Sir,' 
said the doctor, ' to the size of your's.' 

992. — An apothecary, who used to value himself on 
his knowledge of drugs, asserted that all bitter things 
were hot. — ■ No,' said a gentleman present, ■ there is 
one of a very different quality ; a bitter cold day,* 



3W JOB MILLER. 

\m.— At Brighton, in October, 1795, Sir John 
Lade, for a trifling wager, undertook to carry Lord 
( hulmondeley on his back, from opposite to the Pa- 
vilion, twice round the Steyne. Several ladies at- 
tended as spectators of this extraordinary feat of the 
dwarf carrying the giant. When his lordship de- 
clared himself ready, Sir John desired him to strip. 
1 Strip !' exclaimed the other, ■ why surely you pro- 
posed to carry me in my clothes.' — ■ By no means/ 
replied the Baronet; ' I engaged to carry you, but 
not an inch of clothes ! so therefore, my lord, make 
ready, and let us not disappoint the ladies.' After 
much laughable altercation, it was at length decided, 
that Sir John had won his wager, the peer having 
declined to exhibit in pui-is naturalibus. 

99 U — After aloud preface of' O yes,' pronounced 
most audibly three times, in the High Street at New- 
market, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected a 
number of persons together, made the following ge- 
neral proposal to the gapers ; — ' Who wants to buy a 
horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot eighteen, 
and gallop twenty.' — ■ I do,' said a gentleman, with 
manifest eagerness. — 'Then,' replied Lord Barrymore, 
' if I see any such animal to be sold, I will be sure 
to let you know.' 

995. — The Duke of Longueville's reply, when it 
was observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on 
his estates were continually hunting upon them, and 
that ho ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation : 
' 1 bad much rather,' answered the duke, ' have 
friends than hares.' 

996. — The great Prince de Conde passing through 
the city of Sens, which belonged to Burgundy, of 
which he was governor, took great pleasure in dis- 
concerting the different companies who came to com- 
pliment him. The Abbe Boileau, dean of the cathe- 
dral, brother of the poet, was commissioned to make 
a speech to the prince at the head of the chapter 



JOE MILLER. 319 

Conde wishing to discompose the orator, advanced 
his head and long nose towards the dean, as if with 
the intention of hearing the better, but in reality to 
make him blunder, if he possibly could. The abbe, 
w ho perceived his design, pretending to be greatly 
embarrassed, began his speech thus : ■ My lord, your 
nighness ought not to be surprised to see me tremble 
*v hen I appear before you •, at the head of an army 
of 30,000 men, I should tremble much more.' The 
prince was so much charmed with this compliment, 
that he embraced the orator without suffering him to 
proceed. He asked his name, and when he found 
that he was the brother to M. Despreaux, he invited 
him to dinner. 

997. — None fight with true spirit who are over- 
loaded with cash. A man who had been fortunate 
at cards was asked to act as a second in a duel, at a 
time when the seconds engaged as heartily as the 
principals. ' I am not,' said he, ' the man for your 
purpose just at present ; but go and apply to him 
from whom I won a thousand guineas last night, and 
I warrant you that he will fight like any devil.' 

998. — An under officer of the customs at the port 
f Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship's 
gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned : 
being soon after taken up, the coroner's jury was 
summoned to sit upon the body : one of the jurymen, 
returning home, was called to by an alderman of the 
town, and asked what verdict they brought in, and 
whether they found itj'elo de se ! ■ Aye, aye,' says the 
juryman, shaking his noddle, ' he fell into the sea sure 
enough.' 

999. — Sir John Trevoh, who for some misde- 
meanor had been expelled the house of commons, one 
day meeting with archbishop Tillotson, cried out, ' I 
hate to see an atheist in the shape of a churchman.' 
— ' And I,' replied the good bishop, ' hate to see a 
knave in any shape.' 



320 JOB MILLER. 

1000. — When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, 
\n;is on his passage home, as he was one day walking 
the deck, it having blowed pretty hard the preceding 
day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. 
Having never seen such an object before, he called 
to one of the sailors to tell him \\ hat it was. ' Why,' 
replied the tar, ■ I don't know what name they know 
Ihem by ashor«, but here we call them sea- lawyers.* 

100 1. — A gentleman observed one day to Mr. 
Henry Krskine.who was a great punster, that punning 
is the lowest sort of wit. ■ It is so,' answered he, 
'and therefore the foundation of all wit.' 

1002. — AifiniADEs finding his irregularities be- 
came the general topic of conversation at Athens, 
and having a very fine dog, which he had given a 
large sum of money for, he cut off his tail, which was 
reckoned a great ornament. His friends told him the 
whole city blamed him for so foolish an action, and 
talked of nothing else. ' That is what I meant,' said 
he . ' I had rather they should talk of my dog's tail, 
than scrutinize my conduct.' 

1003. — A finished coquette at a ball asked a gen- 
tleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, 
whether he could Jiirt a fan, which she held in her 
hand. ' No, madam,' answered he, proceeding to 
use it, 'but I can fan a Jiirt.' 

1004. — The late duke of Richmond had some 
capital hunters in Sussex. A monkey that was kept 
in the stable, was remarkably fond of riding the 
horses ; skipping from one to the other, and teazing 
the poor animals incessantly. The groom made a 
complaint to the duke, who immediately formed a 
plan to remedy tde evil. ■ If he is so fond of riding,' 
said his grace, ' we'll endeavour to give him enough 
of it.' A complete jockey dress was provided for the 
monkey ; and the next time the hounds went out, 
.kcko in his uniform was strapped to the back of one 
of the best hunters. The view halloo being given, 



JOE MILLER. 321 

away they went, through thick and thin : the horse 
carrying so light a weight, presently left all the 
company behind. Some of the party passing by a 
farm-house, inquired of a countryman whether he had 
seen the fox. 4 Aye, zure,' said the man, ' he be gone 
over yon fallow.' — ' And was there any one up with 
him?' — ' Whoy, yes,' said John, 'there be a little 
man in a yellow jacket, riding as though the Devil 
be in 'um. I hope from my heart the young gentle- 
man mayn't meet with a fall, but he rides monstrous 
hard.' 

1005. — A master of arts being reduced to extreme 
poverty, begged some relief of a locksmith, who was 
at work in his shop ; the smith asked him, why he 
had not learned some art to get his bread by, rather 
than thus to go about begging. * Alas !' replied the 
scholar, ' 1 am a master of seven.' — ' Of seven !' 
replied the locksmith, ' they must be sorry ones in- 
deed then, since they are not able to keep you ; for 
my part, I have only one, as you see, which main- 
tains seven of us ; myself, my wife, and five children.' 
1006. — A chimney-sweep, having descended a 
wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance in a 
room where two men, one named Butler and the 
other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a pot of 
beer. * How now,' cried the former, ' what news from 
the other world !' The sweep perceiving his mistake, 
and recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, 
' I came to inform you, that we are very much in 
want of a Butler and Cook.' 

1007. — An Italian bishop had struggled through 
great difficulties without repining. An acquaintance 
of his asked him one day if he could communicate to 
him the secret he had made use of to be always easy. 
' Yes,' replied the prelate, ' very easily. It consists 
of nothing more than making a right use of my eyes 
in whatever state I am. 1 first look up to heaven, 
and remember that mv principal business here is to 
" P 2 



322 JOE MILLER. 

get thi<her ; I then look down upon the earth, and 
call to mind how small a space I shall occupy in it 
when 1 come to be interred. Then I look abroad 
into the world, and observe what multitudes there 
are, who, in all respects, are more unhappy than my- 
self. Thus 1 learn where true happiness is placed ; 
where all my cares must end ; and how little reason 
I have to repine or complain.' 

1008. — A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he 
came there? he answered, ' By a dispute/ — ■ What 
dispute V The bedlamite replied, ' The world said I 
was mad ; I said the world was mad, and they out- 
witted me.' 

1009. — A notorious thief, being to be tried for 
his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. 
The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him 
guilty upon his own confession. The jury having 
laid their heads together brought him in not guilty. 
The judge bid them consider of it again ; but still 
they brought in their verdict not guilty. The judge 
asked the reason? The foreman replied, • There is 
reason enough, for we all know him to be one of the 
greatest liars in the world.' 

1010. — A notorious culprit, who suffered some 
years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers 
who had been executed for similar offences, after 
sentence was passed, said, ' My lord, 1 humbly thank 
you.' His lordship astonished, asked him for what? 
' Because, my lord, I thought I should have been 
hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to 
the family. 

1011. — A young fellow once came dancing, whist- 
ling, and singing into a room where old Colley Gib- 
ber sat coughing and spitting ; and, cutting a caper, 
triumphantly exclaimed, 'There, you old put, what 
would you give to be as young as T am?' — ' Why, 
young man,' replied he, ' I would agree to be almost 
as foolish.' 



JOE MULES. 323 

1012. — A gentliman who was dining with ano- 
ther, praised very much the meat, and asked who 
was the butcher? ' His name is Addison.'— 'Addison!* 
echoed the guest, ■ pray is he any relation to the poet?' 
— ' In all probability he is, for he is seldom without 
his steel (Steele) by his side.' 

1013. — Swift having paid a visit at Sir Arthur 
Acheson's country seat, and being, on the morning 
of his return to his deanery, detained a few minutes 
longer than he expected at his breakfast, found, when 
he came to the door, his own man on horseback, and 
a servant of Sir Arthur's holding the horse he was 
to ride himself. lie mounted, turned the head of 
his horse towards his own man, and asked him in a 
low voice if he did not think he should give some- 
thing to the servant who held his horse, and if he 
thought five shillings would be too much ; ' >»o, Sir, 
it will not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely,' 
was the reply. The dean made no remark upon this, 
but when he paid his man's weekly account, wrote 
under it, ' Deducted from this, for money paid to 
Sir Arthur's servant for doing your business, five 
shilling -.' 

10i4. — Mr.Bknsi.ey, before he went on the stage, 
was an officer in the army. Meeting one day a 
Scotchman, who had been in the same regiment, the 
latter was very happy to see his old brother officer, 
but being ashamed to be seeu in the street with a 
player, he hurried him into an obscure coffee-house, 
where he began to remonstrate with him on his thus 
disgracing the honourable profession to which he 
had belonged. ■ But,' added he, ' what do you make 
by this new business of yours V Mr. Bensley said, 
1 From seven hundred to a thousand a year.' — ' A 
lhousand a year'.' exclaimed the Northern, ■ hae ye 
tny vacancies in your corps V 

1015. — A common-councilman was hoaxed into 
an opinion, that, as a representative of the citizens, 



324 JOE MILLER. 

he was entitled to ride through the turnpikes free of 
expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain 
his civic privileges ; and asked at the turnpike at 
the Dog-row, in Mile-end road, if, as a common- 
councilman, he had not a right to pass without pay- 
ing ? ■ Yes,' replied the turnpike-man, archly, ' you 
may pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse.' 

1016. — Dr. Gregory, professor of physic atEdin- 
burgh, was one of the first to enrol himself in the 
Royal Edinburgh Volunteers, when that corps was 
raised. So anxious was he to make himself master 
of military tactics, that he not only paid the most 
punctual attendance on all the regimental field-days, 
but studied at home for several hours a day, under 
the serjeant major of the regiment. On one of these 
occasions, the officer, out of all temper at the awk- 
wardness of his learned pupil, exclaimed in a rage, 
1 Sir, I would rather teach ten fools than one philo- 
sopher.' 

1017. — There was a lady of the west country 
that gave a great entertainment at her house to most 
of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, and among 
others Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though other- 
wise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife ; 
and in the morning betimes she called to one of her 
maids that looked to the swine, and asked, ' Are the 
pigs served V Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was 
close to the lady's. A little before dinner the lady 
came down in great state into the great chamber, 
which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir 
Walter cast his eyes upon her, ' Madam,' said he, 
'are the pigs served?' The lady answered, 'You 
Enow best whether you have had your hreahj'a>t.' 

1018. — Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travel- 
ling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by 
only a single aid-decamp, arrived very late at the 
house of an Englishman; who kept an inn in the Ne- 
therlands. It being fair time, and the house rather 



JOE MILLF.R. 325 

crowded, the host, ignorant of his guest's quality, ap- 
pointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they 
readily complied with ; and after eating a few slices 
of ham and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morn- 
ing paid their bill, which amounted to only three 
shillings and sixpence English, and rode off. A 
few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming to 
inquire after him, and the publican understanding 
the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. ' Psha! 
psha ! man,' said one of the attendants, * Joseph is 
accustomed to such adventures, and will think no 
more of it.' — ' But I shall,' replied the landlord ; 
1 for I can never forget the circumstance, nor for- 
give myself neither, for having had an emperor in 
my house, and letting him off for three and six-pence. 1 

1019. — On the Scotch circuits, the judges give 
dinners, having an allowance for that purpose. The 
great Lord Kames was extremely parsimonious ; and 
at a circuit dinner at Perth did not allow claret, as 
had been the custom. The conversation turned on 
Sir Charles Hardy's fleet, which was then blockaded 
by the French ; and one of the company asked, what 
had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine an- 
swered, 'They are like us, confined to Port. 1 

1020. — Some years ago, says Richardson, in his 
anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to 
invite me to his house : '1 have/ says he, 'a picture 
of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little 
H. the other day came to see it, and says it is a copy. 
If any one says so again, I'll break his head. Pray, 
Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favour to come, 
and give me your real opinion of it V 

1021. — When Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, was pre- 
paring for an expedition he had long meditated 
against the Romans, Cyneas, one of his chief fa- 
vourites, asked him what he proposed to himself by 
this war 1 ■ To conquer the Romans, and reduce all 
Italy to obedience,' was the reply. ' What then V 



326 JOE MILLER. 

asked Cyneas. • To pass over into Sicily,' answered 
Pyrrhus, ' and then all the Sicilians must be our 
subjects.' — * And what does your majesty intend 
next V- — ' Why, truly,' replied the king, ■ to conquer 
Carthage, and make myself master of all Africa.' 
— ' And what, Sir,' said the minister, * is to be the 
end of all your expeditions'!' — ■ VVhy then,' answered 
the monarch, ' for the rest of our lives we'll sit down 
to good wine.' — * How, Sir,' said Cyneas, ' can we 
sit down to better wine than we have now before us 1 
Have we not already as much as we can drink?' 

1022. — M. Lat.ande, the French astronomer, dur- 
ing the whole time of the Revolution, confined him- 
self to the study of that science. When he found 
that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jo- 
cosely said, • I may thank my stars for it.' 

10^3. — After Doctor Johnson had been honoured 
with an interview with the king, in the queen's li- 
brary at Buckingham-house, he was interrogated by 
a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of 
the royal intellect. ■ His majesty,' replied the doc- 
tor, ■ seems to be possessed of much good nature and 
much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His 
majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, 
but he answered them all himself.' 

1024. — The bard of Twickenham, though very 
short and deformed, was nevertheless very partial to 
his person One day he asked Dean Swift what 
people in Ireland thought of him. « They think,' 
says the dean, ' that you are a great poet and a very 
little man.' Pope exclaimed passionately, 'And, 
Mr. Dean, the people in England think quite the 
reverse of you.' 

1025. — Weston, the aetor, having- borrowed, on 
note, the sum of five pounds, and failing in payment, 
the gentleman who had lent the money took occa- 
sion to talk of it in a public coffeechouse, which 
caused Weston to send him a challenge. When ir 



JOE MILLER. 327 

the field, the gentleman being a little tender in point 
of courage, offered him the note to make it up ; to 
which our hero readily consented, and had the note 
delivered. 'But now,' said the gentleman, ' if we 
should return without fighting, our companions will 
laugh at us ; therefore let us give one another a slight 
scratch, and say we wounded each other.' — ' With 
all my heart/ says Weston ; ■ come, I'll wound you 
first:' so, drawing his sword, he thrust it through the 
fleshy part of his arm till he brought the tears into 
his eyes. This being done, and the wound tied up 
with a handkerchief — ' Come,' said the gentleman, 
'where shall I wound you V Weston, putting him- 
self in a posture of defence, replied, ■ Where you can, 
Sir.'* 

1026. — The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining 
with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Che- 
shire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. ' Where 
shall 1 cut it V asked Daniel. ' Any where you please, 
Mr. Burgees,' answered the gentleman. Upon which 
Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry 
it to his house, and he would cut it at home. 

1027. — * How does your new-purchased horse 
answer V said the late Duke of Cumberland to George 
Selwyn. ' I really don't know,' replied George, ' for 
I never asked him a question.' 

1028. — A Quaker haying a horse to sell, took him 
to St. Luke's fair, at Newcastle. A customer soon 
appeared, who, being pleased with the appearance of 
the animal, a>ked ■ if he would draw well ?' to which 
question the owner replied with a shrug, ' Ah, friend, 
let him alone for that.' The buyer taking him in the 
wrong sense, purchased the horse without any more 
inquiries. But upon trial the horse would not stretch 
a trace ; on which the buyer went in a violent pas- 
sion to upbraid the seller, who very coolly answered: 
• Friend, did I not tell thee to let him alone for that ;' 
which was all the satisfaction he could get. 



328 joe Mil LBB. 

1029.— Dr. Fuller, the author of the Worthier 
of England, and other works, had a prodigious me- 
mory, insomuch that he could name in order the 
signs on both sides the way from the beginning of 
Paternoster-row at Ave Maria-lane to the bottom of 
Cheapside, where the Mansion-house now stands. 
This, considering that in his time every shop had & 
particular sign, was very surprising. He could also 
dictate to five several amanuenses at the same time, 
and each on a different subject. The doctor making 
a visit to the committee of sequestrators sitting at 
Waltham, in Essex, they soon fell intQ a discourse 
and commendation of his great memory ; to which 
he replied: ' 'Tis true, gentlemen, that fame has 
given me the report of a memorist, and, if you 
please, I will give you an experiment of it.' They 
all accepted the motion, and told him they should 
look upon it as an obligation, praying him to begin. 
* Gentlemen,' says he, ■ I will give you an instance 
of my memory in the particular business in which 
you are employed. Your worships have thought 
fit to sequester an honest but poor cavalier parson, 
my neighbour, from his living, and committed him 
to prison : he has a large family of children, and 
his circumstances are but indifferent ; if you will 
please to release him out of prison, and restore 
him to his living, I will never forget the kindness 
while I live.' This good natured jest wrought so 
effectually upon the committee, that, though they 
were not over gifted with wit or humanity, they im- 
mediately released and restored the poor clergyman. 

1030.— The late Colonel O'Kelly, well known to 
all the lovers of the turf, having, at a Newma v ket 
meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a gentle- 
man who, it seems, had no knowledge of him ; the 
stranger suspecting the challenge came from one of 
the black- legged fraternity, begged to know what se- 
curity he would give for so large a sum if he should 



JOB MILLER. 329 

lose, and where his estates lay. — ■ O ! by Jasus, my 
dear crater, I have the map of them about me, and 
here it is sure enough/ said O'Kelly, pulling out a 
pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his 
property, by producing bank-notes to a considerable 
amount. 

1031. — During the rebellion in 1745, George II. 
entered the council-chamber while they were sitting, 
and requested to know what was the subject of their 
deliberations ; and on being told that they were con- 
sulting how to provide for the safety of his majesty's 
person and government — ■ Aye, is it so V replied the 
monarch, laying his hand upon the hilt of his sword ; 
1 My lords and gentlemen take care of yourselves ; 
but for me, it is my determination to live and die 
King of England.' 

1 033 . — After a successful attack on the royal party 
in 1745, a Highlander gained a watch as his share 
of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use, he lis- 
tened with equal surprise and pleasure to the tick- 
ing sound with which his new acquisition amused 
him ; after a few hours, however, the watch was 
down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, look- 
ing on the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined 
to conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and 
to dispose of it to the first person who should offer 
him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a cus- 
tomer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, 
1 Why, she died last night.' 

1035. — Whin Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Penn- 
sylvania, and the most considerable man among the 
Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to Charles 
II. that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not 
to lower his beaver, took off his own hat, and stood 
uncovered before Penn, who said, ■ Prithee, friend 
Charles, put on thy hat.' — ' No,' says the king, 
1 friend Penn, it is usual for only one man to stand 
covered here.' 



330 IOB MILLF.R. 

103 k— Till late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, 
was remarkable for sweetness of temper, as well as 
every other christian virtue ; of which the following 
story affords a proof. A young gentleman, whose 
family had been well acquainted with the bishop, in 
making the tour of England before he went abroad, 
called to pay his respects to his lordship as he passed 
by his seat in the country. It happened to beat din- 
ner time, and the room full of company. The bishop, 
however, received him with much familiarity ; but 
the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a 
curious weather glass that had cost twenty guineas, 
and broke it. The gentleman was under infinite con- 
cern, and began to make an apology for being him- 
self the occasion of the accident, when the bishop 
with great good nature interrupted him. ' Be under 
no concern, Sir,' said his lordship, smiling, ' for I 
am much beholden to you for it. We have had a 
<!ry season ; and now I hope we shall have rain. 
I never saw the glass so low in my life.' Every one 
was pleased with the humour and pleasantry of the 
turn ; and the more so, as his lordship was then more 
than eighty, a time of life when the infirmities of old 
ike most men peevish and hasty. 

1035. — A person had been relating many incre- 
dible stories, when Professor Engel, who was present, 
in order to repress his impertinence, said, ■ But, gen- 
tlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I 
can assure you that the celebrated organist, Abbe 
Vogler, once imitated a thunder storm so well, that 
for miles round all the milk turned sour.' 

10;>6. — In the reign of King William. Oliver Crom- 
well, grandson of the Protector Cromwell, found it 
ssary, on some occasion or other, to present a 
petition to parliament. He gave his petition to a 
friend, a member, who took it to the House of Com- 
mons to present it. Just as this gentleman was en- 
tering the house, with the petition in his hand, Sir 



JOE MILLER. 331 

Edward Seymour, a famous old royalist member, was 
also going in. On the sight of Sir Edward the gentle- 
man immediately conceived the idea of making the 
surly sour old Tory carry up the petition for Oliver 
Cromwell. * Sir Edward,' said he, stopping him on the 
instant, ' will you do me a favour 1 I this moment re- 
collect that I must immediately attend atrial at West- 
minster Hall, which may detain me too late to give in 
this petition this morning, as I promised to do. Tis a 
mere matter of form ; will you be so good as carry it 
up for me ! ' — ' G ive it me/ said Sir Edward. The pe- 
tition went directly into his pocket, and he into the 
house. When a proper opportunity occurred for pre- 
senting it, Sir Edward rose, and putting his spectacles 
on, began to read, 4 the humble petition of-of-of-of the 
devil ! Oliver Cromwell ! ! !' The roar of laughter 
in the house, at seeing the old knight so fairly taken 
in, was too great for him to stand. Dashing the pe- 
tition from him in great rage, he rushed out of the 
house. 

1037. — Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always 
corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was 
once prevented from going into the House of Peers 
by a door-keeper who was unacquainted with his per- 
son. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the 
house without explaining who he was ; and the door- 
keeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, 
* Honest man, you have no business here. Honest 
man, you can have no business in this place.' — 
■ I believe,' rejoined his lordship, ■ you are right, ho- 
nest men can have no business here.' 

1038. — When the late King of Denmark was in 
England, he very frequently honoured Sir Thomas 
Robinson with his company, though the knight spoke 
French in a very imperfect manner, and the king had 
scarce any knowledge of English. One day, when 
Sir Thomas was in company with the late Lord Ches- 
terfield, and boasted much of his intimacy with the 



332 JOB MILLER. 

king, and added, that he believed the monarch had 
a greater friendship for him than any man in England, 
— ' Good God,' exclaimed Lord Chesterfield, ■ how 
reports will lie ! I heard no later than this day, that 
you never met but a great deal of bad language passed 
between you.* 

1039. — Beaulieu was one day visited by a noble 
and unprofessional person, who reproached him with 
not having returned his first visit. ' You and 1/ 
said the satirist, ■ are upon different terms. I lose 
my time when I pay a visit ; you only get rid of yours 
when you do so.' 

1040. — An alderman of London once requested 
an author to write a speech for him to deliver at 
Guildhall, — ■ I must first dine with you,' replied he, 
'and see how you open your mouth, that I may know 
what sort of words will fill it.' 

1041. — A barrister entered the hall with his wig 
very much awry, of which he was not at all apprized, 
but was obliged to endure from almost every observer 
some remark on its appearance, till at last address- 
ing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, ■ Do you 
see any thing ridiculous in this wig?' The answer 
instantly was, ' Nothing but the head/ 

1042. — Among the discoveries of the learned which 
have amused mankind, the following instance merits 
a conspicuous rank :— Some years ago there were se- 
veral large elm trees in the college garden, behind 
the ecclesiastical court, Doctors' Commons, in which 
a number of rooks had taken up their abode, forming 
in appearance, a sort of convocation of aerial eccle- 
siastics. A young gentleman who lodged in an attic, 
and was their close neighbour, frequently entertained 
himself with thinning this covey of black game by 
means of a cross-bow. On the opposite side lived 
a curious old civilian, who, observing from his study 
that the rooks often dropt senseless from their perch, 
no sign being made to his vision to account tor the 



;oe MILLER. 333 

phenomenon, set his wits to work to consider the 
cause. It was probably during a profitless time of 
peace, and the doctor, having plenty of leisure, 
weighed the matter over and over, till he was at length 
satisfied that he had made a great ornithological dis- 
covery. He actually wrote a treatise, stating cir- 
cumstantially what he himself had seen, and in con- 
clusion giving it as the settled conviction of his mind, 
that rooks were subject to epilepsy. 

1043- — A lady, after performing, with the most 
brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the 
presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, 
took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of mu- 
sic ? — ' No, madam,' replied the doctor ; ' but of all 
noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.' 

104 I. — Boswell dining one day with Dr. John- 
son, asked him if he did not think that a good cook 
was more essential to the community than a good 
poet. ' I don't suppose/ said the Dr. ' that there's 
a dog in the town but what thinks so.' 

10 45. — A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told 
his physician that he suffered the pains of the damned. 
The doctor coolly answered, ' What, already, 1 

1046. — A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to 
prescribe salt-water for his patients iu all disorders. 
Having sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he 
happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The 
captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one 
of the tars next day if he had heard any thing of the 
doctor. — 'Yes,' answered Jack, after a turn of his 
quid, ' he was drowned last night in his medicine chest.' 

1047. — At the time when Queen Elizabeth was 
making one of her progresses through the kingdom, 
a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, 
went out to meet her majesty, and usher her into the 
city with due formality. On their return they passed 
through a wide brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse seve- 
ral times attempted to drink, and each time his wor- 



JOE MI1.LFR. 



ship checked him ; which the queen observing, called 
out to him, ■ Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink, Mr. 
Mayor ;' but the magistrate, bowing very low, mo- 
destly answered, ' Nay, nay, may it please your ma- 
jesty's horse to drink first.' 

1048. — As the late Chevalier Taylor was once 
enumerating, in company, the great honours which he 
had received from the different princes of Europe, 
and the orders with which he had been dignified by 
numerous sovereigns, a gentleman present took oc- 
casion to remark, that he had not named the king of 
Prussia ; adding — ' I suppose, Sir, that monarch 
never gave you any order V — 'You are quite mis- 
taken, Sir,' replied the Chevalier ; ■ for, I can most 
positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremp- 
tory order — to quit his dominions/ 

1049. — One of the officers of a marching regi- 
ment, Captain B., who was quartered in the neigh- 
bourhood, was amusing himself by shooting upon 
the lands of Lord M. ; and as it was then a privilege 
extended without ceremony to all officers, he had 
not asked permission of the noble lord. His lord- 
ship, however, saw the intruder from his drawing- 
room window, summoned his gamekeeper, and di- 
rected him to go instantly and shoot the stranger's 
two dogs. The man knew the character of his mas- 
ter, and, from his tone and manner, saw that his 
command must be obeyed. He rode off to the spot, 
addressed the sportsman, apologized, but said he 
dared not go back to his lordship with his orders 
disobeyed. Captain B. expostulated, but at length, 
pointing to one of his dogs, requested as a favour, 
that the gamekeeper would kill that one first. The 
shot was fired, and the poor dog fell. Captain 13. 
who carried a double-barrelled gun, instantly ad- 
vanced, and coolly discharged his piece through the 
head of the gamekeeper's horse. ' Now,' said he, 
addressing the fellow, who was all astonishment and 



JOE MILLER. 335 

terror, 'that is horse for dog — fire again, and it shall 
be man for dog.' The invitation was of course de- 
clined. ' And now, 1 he continued, ' go back to your 
rascally master, describe what you have seen, give 
him this card, and tell him, that wherever I can find 
him, in country or in town, I will horsewhip him 
from that spot to the threshold of his own door.' 
The noble lord was early the next morning on his way 
to London, and did not return to his country resi- 
dence until Captain B.'s regiment had been ordered 
to a distant part of the kingdom. 

1050. — One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at 
the Zoological Society's Garden, mentioned to a 
friend, that the Queen had visited the garden incog. 
on a particular day. ' Why,' said the person he was 
informing, ' it is odd we never heard of it!' — ' Oh, 
not at all at all,' rejoined Pat : 4 for she didn't come 
like a queen •, but clane and dacent like another lady !' 

1051. — A gvntleman, while sojourning at one of 
the towns in Virginia, encountered in the street a 
stout double-lunged negro, who was ringing a hand- 
bell most manfully. After labouring at it some time 
the fellow made a dead halt, and bellowed out some- 
thing to the following effect : — ' Sale dis nite — frying- 
pans — gridirons —book — oyster-knives, and odder 
kinds of medicines — Joe Williams will hab some 
fresh oysters at his 'stablishment — by tickler desire, 
Mr. Hewlett will gib imitations ober again — two or 
three dozen damaged discussion gun-locks — and 
Hev. Mr. P. will deliber a sarmont on temperance, 
half-past six o'clock percise ; — dat's not all ! — widout 
money or price— de great bull Philip will be statint 
at Squire S — 's — and dat's not all nudder ! — dare will 
be a perlite and coloured ball at Mrs. Johnson's jus 
arter dis is bin done.' 

10o2. — At a late Court of Common Council, while 
the Town Clerk was reading the minutes of the last 
Court, the Lord Mayor leaned his head upon his hand. 



336 JOE MILLBR. 

'I call the Town-Clerk to order,' said Mr. Samuel 
Dixon. ■ To order,' said Mr. Savage, l what for ?' — 
4 What for?' cried Mr. Dixon, 'why he reads so 
loud he'll wake the Lord Mayor.' His lordship's 
reverie was broken for the rest of the day. 

1053. — A painter in the Waterloo Road, has the 
following announcement displayed on the front of 
his house: — 'The Acme of Stencil!' A 'learned 
Theban' in the same line, who has just commenced 
business in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the 
* old original' stenciller, thus sets forth his preten- 
sions, upon a board of the dimensions of twelve feet 
by three feet six : ' Stencilling, in all its branches, 
performed in the very height of acme!' 

1054. — In the extract from the Report of the Le- 
gal Commissioners appointed to inquire into the 
state of the jails in the West Indies, and recently 
printed for the House of Commons, we find the fol- 
lowing questions put by the Commissioners to the 
Deputy Provost Marshal of Tobago, and his most 
extraordinary answers: 4 Is it (the jail) usually 
full V — ' Generally empty.' — ' Is it sufficiently large V 
• — ' Not one-tenth part of the size it ought to be.' 

1055. — When Lord Townshend was Lord Lieu- 
tenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dublin, lost 
no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for 

f daces. 'My dear Hely,' said his lordship, 'you 
lave a great many things, and 1 have nothing to give 
but a majority of dragoons .' — ' I accept it then,' re- 
plied the provost. ' What you take a majority?' an- 
swered his lordship, 'sounds, it is impossible, 1 only 
meant it as a joke.' — ' And I accept it,' replied the 
provost, ' merely to shew you how well I can take a 
)jke.' 

1056. — In the town of Montrose, some of the 
neighbou/ing wives having assembled to retail to 
one another the scandal of the morning, and having 
exhausted the subject, they next passed their opinions 



JOE MILLER. 337 

on the beauty of names : each considered her own 
as the prettiest, until Mrs. Gold insisted that hers 
was the best, and in idea produced the pleasantest 
feeling. " Yes," replied Mrs. Crowe, " gold is 
very pretty, but it is not yours — you have only 
borrowed it." 

One country schoolmaster meeting another, who 
had generally a quid of tobacco in his mouth, tapping 
him on the cheek, inquired, 

Quid est hod — (what is this !J 

to which the other promptly replied, 

Hoc est quid, — (this is a quid.) 
10.i7. — When Mr. Bligh was a captain in a regi- 
ment of infantry, and he and his lady were travel- 
ling in Yorkshire, they put up at an inn, where there 
happened only to be just as much in the larder as 
would serve them for dinner, which was immediately 
ordered. In the mean time, some sporting gentle- 
men of the country came in, and finding there was 
nothing in the house but what was getting ready for 
another company, asked who they were. The land- 
lord told them he did not exactly know, but he be- 
lieved the gentleman was an Irish ofiicer. ■ Oh, 
hang him, if he is Irish,' says one of the company, 
1 a potatoe will serve him. Here, waiter, take up 
this watch (taking out an elegant gold watch), carry 
it up stairs, and ask the gentleman what's o'clock.' 
The waiter, at first, hesitated ; but the company in- 
sisted upon his delivering the message, and he w?.s 
obliged to comply. Mr. Bligh was surprised at such 
an impudent message, but recollecting himself a mo- 
ment, took the watch from the waiter, and sent his 
compliments to the company, that he would tell them 
before they parted. The message, however, pro- 
duced his dinner to be sent up in quiet ; which, after 
he had eat, he clapped a pair of horse-pistols under 
Q 



338 JOE MILLER. 

his arm, and going down stairs, introduced himself 
to the company, by telling them, he was come to tell 
them what o'clock it was ; but first begged to be in- 
formed to which of the gentlemen the watch belong- 
ed : — here a dead silence ensued. Mr. Bligh then 
began on his right hand, by asking them severally 
the question, each of whom denied his knowledge of 
the circumstance. ' Oh, then,' says he, 'gentlemen, 
I find I have mistaken the room ; the waiter awhile 
ago brought me an impudent message from some peo- 
ple in this house, which I come, as you see (pointing 
to his pistols), properly to resent, but I find I have 
mistaken the company:' saying this, he wished them 
a good evening, paid his bill, stepped into his car- 
riage, and drove off with the watch in his pocket, 
which he kept to the day of his death. 

1058. — Two dinner-hunters meeting in Pall-mall 
a short time back, one inquired of the other how he 
had been for some days. He replied—' In a very 
poor way indeed, I have not been able to eat any 
thing at all.' — ' God bless me,' said his hungry friend, 
4 that is extremely strange, you generally have a very 
good appetite, you must have been seriously ill.' — 
* Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my 
meaning, I could have eat, but the reason why I 
have not been able to do so, is, that no one has invited 
me to dinner.' 

1059. — Mr. Curhan was once asked, what an 
Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, could mean 
by perpetually putting out his tongue. ' I suppose,' 
replied the wit, ' he's trying to catch the English ac- 
cent.' 

1060. — General Mackenzie, when commander- 
in-chief of the Chatham division of marines, during 
the late war, was very rigid in the duty ; and, among 
other regulations, would suffer no officer to be saluted 
on guard if out of his uniform. It one day happened 
that the general observed a lieutenant of marines in 



JOF. MILLER. 339 

a plain dress, and, though he knew the young officer 
intimately well, he called to the centinel to turn him 
out. The officer appealed to the general, saying who 
he was : ■ I know you not,' said the general ; * turn 
him out.' A short time after, the general had been 
at a small distance from Chatham, to pay a visit, and 
returning in the evening, in a blue coat, claimed en- 
trance at the yard gate. The centinel demanded the 
countersign, which the general not knowing, desired 
the officer of the guard to be sent for, who proved to 
be the lieutenant whom the general had treated so 
cavalierly. — * Who are you V inquired the officer. — 
4 I am General Mackenzie,' was the reply. — ' What, 
without an uniform V rejoined the lieutenant ; ' Oh, 
get back, get back, impostor ; the general would 
break your bones if he knew you assumed his name.' 
The general on this made his retreat ; and the next 
day inviting the young officer to breakfast, told him, 
* He had done his duty with very commendable exact- 
ness.' 

1061. — David Hartley, member for Hull, during 
the coalition administration, was remarkable for the 
length and dulness of his speeches. On one occa- 
sion, having reduced the house from three hundred 
to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, 
just at the time it was supposed he would conclude, 
he moved that the Riot Act should be read, in order 
to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, who 
had been bursting with impatience for full an hour 
and a half, and who was anxious to speak to the ques- 
tion, finding himself about to be so cruelly disap- 
pointed, rose, exclaiming, ' The Riot Act, my dear 
friend ! the Riot Act ! to what purpose. Don't you 
see that the mob is already completely dispersed V 
Every person present was convulsed with laughter, 
except Hartley, who never changed countenance, and 
who still insisted that the Riot Act should be read by 
the clerk. 



34C JOE Mil LKR. 

1062. — A Frenchman meeting an English soldier 
with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to anim- 
advert on our government for bestowing such a trifle, 
which did not cost them three francs. — ' That is true, 
to be sure,' replied the hero, ' it did not cost the Eng- 
lish government three francs, but it cost the French 
a Napoleon.' 

1063.— Collins the poet, though of a melancholy 
cast of mind, was by no means averse to ajeu de mot, 
or quibble. Upon coming into a town the day after 
a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he 
said, how unlucky he was that he had come a day 
after the fair. 

1064. — A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, 
and ordered to be flogged. He begged to be heard, 
which being granted, he asked, ■ If white man buy 
stolen goods, why lie be no flogged too?' — ' Well,' 
said the judge, ' so he would.' — ' Dere den,' replied 
Mungo, ' is my massa, he buy tolen goods, he knew me 
tolen, and yet he buy me.* 

1065. — During the war carried on by the Great 
Frederick of Prussia, the English Envoy at Berlin 
having occasion to inform his majesty of a victory 
gained by the British, observed, ' It had pleased Di- 
vine Providence,' &c. — 'What!' said his majesty, 
4 is God Almighty one of your allies V — ■ Yes, sire,' 
replied the Englishman, * and the only one whc does 
not demand any subsidies from us.' 

1066. — Some years since, one of the sons of a ce« 
lebrated Jew was on the point of being married to a 
Christian ; on which the father, objecting to the 
smallnessof the lady's fortune, expostulated with his 
»on, and told him that he might have a female with 
more money : however, the young gentleman, vindi- 
cating his choice, replied, 'that whether he would 
content or not, he would marry her ; and if he re- 
fused to give him a portion, he would turn Christian, 
claim the benefit of an English law, and obtain half 



JOE MILLER. 341 

he possessed.' At this answer, the father was greatly 
embarrassed ; and, consulting counsel, the counsel- 
lor replied, ' there was such a law, and that his son 
turning Christian, would obtain half his estate ; but 
if you'll make me a present of ten guineas,' added he, 
■ 1 will put you in a way to disappoint him.' At this 
news the old gentleman's hopes revived, and pulling 
ten guineas out of his pocket, instantly clapped them 
into the lawyer's hand, expressing his impatience to 
know how he was to proceed. The counsellor re- 
plied, with a smile, * You have nothing to do, Mr. — , 
but to turn Christian yourself.' 

1067. — Alembert, at his leaving college, found 
himself alone and unconnected with the world, and 
sought an asylum in the house of his nurse. Here 
he lived and studied for the space of forty years. His 
good nurse perceived his ardent activity, and heard 
him mentioned as the writer of many books ; but 
never took it into her head that he was a great man, 
and rather beheld him with a kind of compassion. 
' You will never,' said she to him one day, ■ be any 
thing but a philosopher : and what is a philosopher ? 
— a fool, who toils and plagues himself during his life, 
that people may talk of him when he is no more,* 

1068. — A lady of rank, dancing one evening, ap 
proached so near to a chandelier, that the fluttering 
plume of feathers, waving to and fro on her forehead, 
came in contact with the flame, and the whole was 
instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, 
was quickly and happily extinguished without harm ; 
when her husband, seeing the danger avoided, and 
the thoughtlessness of the act that urged it, peevishly 
and half angrily exclaimed, 'Surely, your ladyship 
must be absolutely mad !* — ' No, no/ replied her 
ladyship, 4 only a little light-headed.* 

1069. — At that time of the administration of the 
late Mr. Pitt, when petitions for peace were presented 
to the throne from all parts of England, Mr. W. Rath- 



342 JOE MILLER. 

bone, a Quaker, was deputed to carry the address 
from the town of Liverpool ; when, contrary to cus- 
tom, he presented it on both knees, which so asto- 
nished our gracious monarch, that he exclaimed, 
' What ! what do you go on two knees for ? One knee 
— never more than one knee ' To which Mr. R. 
gravely replied, 'Sire, I bend one knee to God Al- 
mighty, to pardon my bending the other to a man.' 

1070. — On a trial between a buckle-maker and one 
of the same trade, on an encroachment made upon a 
patent which the former had obtained, an advocate 
from North Britain, praising the invention of his 
client, looking at his own buckles, exclaimed, ' So 
elegantly are these ornaments constructed, that, were 
my ancestors to rise from their graves, and happen 
to observe my legs, how would they be surprised !' 
— ' Very true, my learned brother,' cried the counsel 
for the defendant ; ■ they would be very much sur- 
prised indeed, to find you had got either shoes or 
stockings !' 

1071. — A fellow of Oxford College seeing Tom 
Brown in a tattered gown, said, ' Tom, your gown 's 
grown too short for you.' — 'Ah !' replied Tom, ' that's 
true ; but it will be long enough before I get another.' 

1072. — A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alight- 
ed at an inn, called for some porter, and observing, 
as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient in quantity, 
thus addressed the landlord : — ' Pray, friend, how 
many butts of beer dost thou draw in a month V — 
'Ten, Sir,' replied Boniface. — 'And thou wouldst 
like to draw eleven if thou couldst,' rejoined Eben- 
ezer. — ' Certainly,' exclaimed the smiling landlord. 
— ' Then I will tell thee how, friend,' added the 
Quaker : 'Jilt thy measures.* 

1073. — Charles XII. of Sweden went early one 
morning to consult his prime minister. He was in 
bed, and the king was obliged to wait till he rose. 
Charles passed the time in talking with a soldier whom 



JOE Mil IF. R. 343 

he found in the anti-chamber At last, the minister 
appeared, and made many apologies. The soldier, 
extremely confused for having accosted his sovereign 
with so much freedom, threw himself at his feet, and 
said, ' Sire, forgive me, for I really took you for a 
man.' — ■ You have done no harm, friend,' said the 
king, ■ your mistake was natural ; for nothing is, I 
assure you, so much like a man as a king.' 

1074. — Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was 
one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental man- 
ner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. 4 The 
husband,' said Sterne, ' who behaves unkindly to his 
wife deserves to have his house burnt over his head.' 
— ' If you think so,' said Garrick, ■ I hope your house 
is insured.' 

1075. — A short time previous to the surrender of 
Calais, in the year 1846, the English fell in with, 
and beat the French fleet, many of whose ships they 
sunk. None dared to carry the news to Philip, the 
French king ; till, after a long time, his jester ap- 
peared in his presence, flouncing, and exclaiming in 
the most contemptuous manner against the English 
for their miserable cowardice : — ■ Dastardly English- 
men !' said he ; ' faint-hearted Englishmen ! cowardly 
Englishmen !' The king, inquiring the cause of his 
anger and contempt, received the news of his mis- 
fortune in the following answer — ' Because they durst 
not leap out of their ships into the sea, as our brave 
Frenchmen did.' 

1076. — Trieoulet, the fool of Francis the First, 
was threatened wrth death by a man in power, of 
whom he had been speaking disrespectfully ; and he 
applied to the king for protection. 'Be satisfied,' 
said the king ; ' if any man should put you to death, 
I will order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour 
after.' — 'Ah, Sir!' replied Triboulet, ' I should be 
much obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be 
hanged a quarter of an hour before.* 



3 -4 JUL Ml I.I IK. 

1U?7. — A bookseller, in a Urge way, having 
been threatened relative to a publication supposed to 
have been libellous, was asked, by a friend, how it 
had happened to escape his reading. ■ My reading I 1 
exclaimed the other : ■ you might as well expect an 
apothecary to take his own drugs, as a bookseller to 
read every book he publishes.' 

1078. — A saiior coming across Blackheath one 
evening, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded 
iiis money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the 
robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of 
the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate came 
to examine into the assault, he told the sailor that he 
must take his oath that the robber had put him in 
bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The 
sailor, looking stedfastly at the justice, answered, 
' He, — he put me in bodily fear ! No, nor any he 
that ever lived ; therefore, if that is the case, you may 
let him go — for I will not swear to any such a lie.* 

1079. — The late Dr. Glover, well known for being 
one of the best companions in the world, was return- 
ing from a tavern one morning early, across Covent 
Garden, when a chairman cried out, ' A chair ! your 
honour, a chair !' Glover took no notice, but called 
his dog, who was a good way behind, * Scrub, Scrub, 
Scrub !' — ' Och, indeed V says the chairman, ' there 
goes a pair o'ye !' The facetious doctor gave his 
countryman half a crown for the merry witticism. 

1080. — As a regiment of soldiers were marching 
through a country town, the captain (a strict disci- 
plinarian) observed that one of the drums did not 
beat, and ordered a lieutenant to inquire the reason. 
The fellow, on being interrogated, whispered the 
lieutenant, ' I have two ducks and a turkey in my 
drum, and the turkey is for his honour.' This being 
whispered to the captain, he exclaimed, ' Why didn'f 
the fellow say he was lame ? 1 do not want men to 
do their duty when they are not able.' 



JOE MILLER. 345 

1081. — A painter was employed in painting a 
West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage 
under the ship's stern. The captain, who had just 
got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going 
ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the 
rope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly 
went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's 
stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy's 
delay, cried out, ■ Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, 
why don't you let go the painter?' The boy replied, 
' He's gone, Sir, pots and all.' 

1082. — A link boy asked Dr.Burgess, the preacher, 
if he would have a light. ■ No, child,' says the 
Doctor, ■ I am one of the lights of the world.' — ' I 
wish then,' replied the boy, 'you were hung up at 
the end of our alley, for it is a very dark one.' 

1083. — Philip, king of France, once met a beg- 
gar, who solicited a rich gift of him ; urging it as a 
reason, that he was the king's brother. Philip smiled, 
and inquired of the beggar, how that could be, and 
desired to know who was his father. The beggar 
answered, he was born of Adam, who is the father of 
us all. The king immediately ordered his chamber- 
lain to give him a farthing. The beggar, however, 
complained that it was not a royal gift. The king 
then answered, if he were obliged to give as much to 
all his brothers, who claimed relationship with him, 
as being born of Adam, he would be obliged to sell 
his kingdom ; and advised the beggar to solicit as 
much from every one of his brothers, and his purse 
would soon be full. 

1084. — An honest Jack tar would be coached up 
to town from Deptford, but thought it a very unbe- 
coming thing in him, who had just been paid off, and 
had plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to 
himself; of course, took all the seats, seating him- 
self at the same time upon the top. The coach was 
about to set off, when a gentleman appeared, who 
Q2 



316 JOE MILLER. 

wis holding an altercation with the coachman, about 
the absurdity of his insisting that the seats were all 
taken, and not a person in the coach. Jack, over- 
hearing high words, thought, as he had paid full 
freight, he had a right to interfere, inquired what 
was the matter. When being told that the gentle- 
man was much disappointed at not getting a seat, he 
replied, * You lubber, stow him away in the hold ! 
but he shall not come upon deck.' 

1085. — The late Right Honourable Charles Fox, in 
the course of a speech which he made in the House 
of Commons, when enlarging on the influence ex- 
ercised by government over the members, observed, 
that it was generally understood that the minister 
employed a person as manager of the House of 
Commons ; here there was a general cry of ' Name 
him ! Name him !' — ' No,' said Mr. Fox, ■ I don't 
choose to name him, though I might do it as easy as 
say Jack Robinson.' That was really his name. 

1086. — A traveller relating some of his adven- 
tures, told the company, that he and his servant made 
fifty wild Arabians run ; which exciting surprise, he 
observed, there was no such great matter in it ; 4 for,' 
says he, ' we run, and they run after us.' 

1087. — A certain young clergyman, modest, 
almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country 
apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and 
crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient 
to catch the attention of the whole company, ' How 
it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme 
old age V To which question he immediately replied, 
• Perhaps they took no physic' 

1088.— Two English gentlemen, some time ago, 
visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for 
the total defeat of the English army, by Robert the 
Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth 
their number : — A sensible countryman pointed out 
the positions of both armies, the stone where the 



JOE Mlf.LRR. 347 

Bruce's standard was fixed during the battle, &c. 
Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentlemen, 
on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown- 
piece : — ' Na, na,' said the honest man, returning the 
money, ■ keep your crown-piece. — the English hae 
paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Ban- 
nockburn.' 

1089. — Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Sect- 
land to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house be 
was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for 
his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she as 
him if it was good ? To which he replied, ' Very _ 
for h>g&!' — ■ Then, pray,' said the lady, ' let me help 
yon to a little more ' 

1090. — A noble lord a short time ago applied to 
a pawnbroker to lend him 10()0 guineas on his wife's 
jewels, for which he had paid 4000. ' Take the ar- 
ticles to pieces,' said his lordship, 'number the stones, 
and put false ones in their place, my lady will not 
distinguish them ' — ' You are too late, my lord,' said 
the pawnbroker, ■ your lady has stole a march upon 
you, these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of 
her ladyship a twelvemonth ago." 

1091. — At the commencement of the French re- 
volution, when the popular excitement was at its 
height upon the subject of the Royal teto, Mirabeau 
heard an old woman in one of the fauxbourgs, bawl- 
ing out, with all imaginable zeal, * No veto ! no 
veto !' — ' My good woman,' said Mirabeau, 'lama 
stranger in Paris, but find every body talking about 
the veto, do tell me what it means.' — ' Means,' said 
she, ' why a tax upon sugar, to be sure — so, no veto ! 
no veto !' 

1092. — An affectation of knowledge, is always 
worse than an acknowledgment of actual ignorance. 
A person lately called on a friend to complain of a 
letter which he had received, containing matter by 
no means complimentary, ■ Do you know who has 



348 JOE MILLER. 

addressed this letter to you V said his friend. ■ No,' 
was the answer. ■ Then it was anonymous I sup- 
pose.* — ■ Yes,' replied the insulted party, with the 
most imperturbable gravity, • Very anonymous indeed, 
I assure you.' 

1093. — A French officer was speaking at a table 
d'hote, of his first impressions on seeing English 
soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, by saying, 
that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. 
An English officer replied, ' Monsieur, you are very 
polite, and allow me to say, that if your soldiers 
nad shewed us a little more of their faces, and less 
of their backs, I should be very glad to return your 
compliment.' 

1094-. — A caravan of wild beasts arriving lately in 
an American village, the elephant was accommodated 
in a large carriage- house — where, it appeared, a hale 
two-fisted negro from the country, who had never 
before seen or heard of an elephant, had laid down 
to sleep. On waking, blacky was not a little asto- 
nished at his strange bed-fellow. What could it be ! 
The devil ! The huge mass moved, when, lo ! a tail 
at both ends put all doubt to flight, and, with one 
despairing leap, he was out of the loft window, with- 
out once calculating the chance of breaking his neck. 
In the fulness of his astonishment and joy at his es- 
cape, he could tell no more of the occasion of his 
alarm, than of a devil with two tails, and describe 
in his best way an extending, contracting, flexible 
tail, that no distance could secure you from. When 
the mystery was explained, and poor blacky a little 
pacified, he swore — ' by ginny, he no so much skeer 
at his bigness— but that tarnal tail at both ends — he 
no like urn.' 

109.i. — A female having been summoned before 
the court of judicature in Calcutta, deposed that a 
circumstance involved in the cause occurred in her 
presence. The judge asked where it happened ? She 



IOC MILLER. 349 

\eplied, ' In the verandah of such a house.' — ■ Pray, 
ftiy good woman/ said the judge, ' how many pillars 
are in that verandah.' — The woman not perceiving 
the trap that was laid for her, said, without much 
Consideration, that the verandah was supported by 
four pillars. The counsel for the opposite party, 
immediately offered to prove that the verandah con- 
tained five pillars, and that, consequently, no credit 
could be given to her evidence. The woman per- 
ceiving her error, addressed the judge, and said, 
' My lord, your lordship has for many years presided 
in this court, and every day that you come here you 
ascend a flight of stairs, may I beg to know how 
many steps these stairs consist of.' The judge con- 
fessed he did not know. * Then,' replied she, 4 if y our 
lordship cannot tell the number of steps you daily as- 
cend to the seat of justice, it cannot be astonishing 
that I should forget the number of pillars in a balcony 
which I never entered half-a-dozen times in my life.' 

10^6. — A ■ toor player' in a mixed company, un- 
dertook to quote a passage from Shakspeare, that 
should be applicable to any remark that might be 
made by any person present. A forward young fellow 
undertook to supply a sentence that he believed 
could not be answered from the works of the bard ; 
and addressing the player, he said, ' You are the 
most insolent pretender in the room.' — 4 You forget 
yourself,' promptly replied the player, quoting from 
the quarrel- scene between Brutus and Cassius. 

10 i .'7. — At apublic dinner, a gentleman observed 
a person who sat opposite use a tooth-pick which 
nad just done the same service to his neighbour. — 
Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, ■ 1 

6eg your pardon, Sir, but you are using Mr. *s 

tooth -pick.' — ■ I knoic I am. By the powers, Sir, do 
vou think I am not going to return it V 

1098. — A Leicestershire farmer who had never 
seen a silver fork, had some soup handed to him at a 



350 JOE MI I. IKK. 

dinneT lately. He found that no spoon was placed 
at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his 
fingers for some time, he called the waiter, and request- 
ed him to bring ' a silver spoon wi'out ouy slits in it.' 

1099. — A lady, who had the pleasure of hearing 
Dr. Johnson read Goldsmith's Traveller from the 
beginning to the end on its first coming out. 
claimed, ' I shall never more think Dr. Goldsmith 
ugly.' — This lady, on another occasion, being in a 
large party, was called upon after supper for her 
toast, and seeming embarrassed, she was desired to 
give the ugliest man she knew ; and she immediately 
named Dr. Goldsmith, on which a lady on the other 
side of the table rose up, and reached across to shake 
hands with her, expressing some desire of being 
better acquainted — it being the first time they had 
met f on which Dr. Johnson said,* Thus the ancients, 
on the commencement of their friendships, used to 
sacrifice a beast betwixt them.' 

1100. — Between a Protestant clergyman and a 
Roman Catholic lawyer, who had very little good 
feeling towards each other, the following occurrence 
took place not far from Bath : — » If,' asked the cler- 
gyman, ' a neighbour's dog destroy my ducks, can I 
recover damages by lawV — 'Certainly,' replied the 
lawyer, 'you can recover; pray, what are the circum- 
stances V — ' Why, Sir, your dog, last night, destroyed 
two of my ducks.' — ' Indeed, then you certainly 
could recover the damages ; what is the amount ? 
I'll instantly discharge it.' The demand of four shil- 
lings and sixpence was made and paid, when the law- 
immediately made a demand of his fee, six shil- 
lings and eight pence, which, unless instantly paid, 
he should adopt legal means to recover. 

1 101. — Ali Hazin, an eastern writer, in his auto- 
biography, assimilates himself, while labouring un- 
der sea-sickness, to a mill-horse — 'my head goes round 
puzzled to know why it goes round.' 



JOE MILLER. 361 

1102. — General Rapp was aide-de-camp to 
Buonaparte. He once ushered a dark looking Cor- 
sican io bis presence, ind took care to hold the door 
open while the interview lasted. When questioned 
by Buonaparte why he did this, * Because,' replied 
Rapp, * I don't put much trust in your Corsicans.' 
This blunt remark caused much amusement. 

1 103. — Lop.d Mansfield, when a counsellor, used 
very frequently to pass the time from Sunday af- 
ternoon to Monday morning with Lord Foley, who 
was not remarkable for talent. Charles Townshend 
being asked what could induce Murray to pass his 
time in such company, answered, ' Murray is a pru- 
dent fellow. From the nature of his business he is 
obliged to say a great deal in the course of the week, 
and he goes down to Foley's to rest his understanding.' 

1104. — A certain lodging-house was very much 
infested by vermin — a gentleman who slept there 
one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when 
she said, ' La, Sir, we haven't a single bug in the 
house.' — ■ No, ma'am,' said he, ' they're all married, 
and have large families too.' 

1 105. — Colonel S e of the royal marines, was 

always distinguished for the perspicuity and brevity 
of his speeches, of which the following is a speci- 
men, which was delivered in going into the battle of 
the Nile : — Sir James Saumarez, who commanded 
the man-of-war to which he belonged, had, in a 
lengthened speech, wound up the feelings to the 
highest pitch of ardour for the 6ght, by reminding 
them of the duty they owed to their king and coun- 
try ; and Though last, not least, he desired them to 
call to mind their families, their parents, and sweet- 
hearts, and to fight as if the battle solely depended 
on their individual exertions. He was answered by 
looks and gestures highly expressive of their deter- 
mination ; then turning to our hero, he said, ■ Now, 
S e , I leave you to speak to the marines.' — Co- 



352 JOE Ml 1. 1. Eft. 

lotiel S e immediately directed their attention to 

the land beyond the French fleet. ■ Do you see that 
land there?' he asked. They all shouted, ' Ay, ay, 
Sir V — ' Now, my lads, that's the land of Egypt, and 
if you don't fight like devils, you '11 soon be in the 
house of bondage.' He was answered by a real Bri- 
tish cheer fore and aft. 

1106. — A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in 
haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened 
to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab 
demanded, — 'Are you asleep?' — 'Why?' says the 
student. ' Because,' replied the other, ■ I want to 
borrow half-a- crown. — i Then,' answered the stu- 
dent, ' Vm asleep,* 

1107. — Tom Randolph, who was then a student 
in Cambridge, having staid in London so long that 
he might truly be said to have had a parley with his 
empty purse, was resolved to see Ben Jonson with 
his associates, who, as he heard, at a set time, kept 
a club together at the Devil Tavern, near Temple 
Bar. Accordingly he went thither at the specified 
time ; but, being unknown to them, and wanting 
money, which, to a spirit like Tom's, was the most 
daunting thing in the world, he peeped into the room 
where they were, and was espied by Ben Jonson, 
who, seeing him in a scholar's thread-bare habit, 
cried out, ' John Bo-peep, come in !' which accord- 
ingly he did. They immediately began to rhyme 
upon the meanness of his clothes, asking him if he 
could not make a verse, and, withal, to call for his 
quart of sack. There being but four of them, he 
immediately replied — 

I John Bo-pepp, 

To you four sheep, 
With each one his good fleece ; 

If that you are willing. 

To give me five shillinf ,— 
Tis fifteen pence a-piece. 



JOE Mil l.ER. 353 

* By Jasus,' exclaimed Ken Jonson, (his usual 
oath), * I believe this is my son Randolph ;' which 
being made known to them, he was kindly enter- 
tained in then company, and Ben Jonson ever after 
called him his son. 

1108. — The Rev. Geohge Harvest, fellow of 
INlagdalen College, Cambridge, with a good heart 
possessed many oddities. One night, seated amidst 
ail the pageantry of politeness with Lady O — and 
the family, in the front box of a London theatre, 
poor Harvest, on pulling out his handkerchief, 
brought with it an old greasy night-cap, which fell 
into the pit. ■ Who owns this?' cries a gentleman 
below, elevating the trophy at the same time on the 
point of his cane ; ■ Who owns this V The unaffected 
Harvest, little considering the delicate sensations of 
his friends, and overjoyed at the recovery of this va- 
luable chattel, eagerly darts out his hand, seizes the 
cap, and in the action cries out, ' It is mine !' The 
party were utterly disconcerted at the circumstance, 
and blushed for their companion, who rather expected 
their congratulations at the recovery of his property. 

3109. — It is sufficiently notorious that Porson 
was not remarkably attentive to the decorating of his 
person ; indeed he was at times disagreeably negli- 
gent. On one occasion he went to visit a friend, 
where a gentleman, who did not know Porson, was 
anxiously expecting a barber. On Porsoa's entering 
the library where he was sitting, the gentleman 
started up, and hastily exclaimed, 'Are you the bar- 
ber V — ' No, Sir,' answered Porson ; 4 but I'm a 
cunning shaver, much at your service.' 

1110. — Herring, afterwards archbishop, slipped 
down a bank, and fell into the mud in a ditch near 
St. John's College. A wag, passing by at the time, 
exclaimed, 'Theie, Herring, you are in a fine pickle 
now !' A Johnian, to which college the immemorial 
privilege of punning had been conceded in the Spec- 



964 jv>l MfM.l-.R. 

tator's time, and who had consequently a disposition 
to be pleased with puns, went home laughing most 
immoderately all the way at the joke. Some of his 
fellow-collegians inquiring the cause of his merri- 
ment : ! I never heard/ said he, ' a better thing in 
my life. Herring, of Jesus, fell into the ditch in the 
piece, and an acquaintance said, as he lay sprawl- 
ing, " There, Herring! you are in a fine condition 
now ! M ' — * Well,' said his companions, ' where is the 
wit of it, pray V — ' Nay,' he said, ' I am sure it was 
a good thing when I heard it.' 

1111. — VVhen the Prince of Orange, afterwards 
William the Third, came over to this country, five of 
the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower de- 
clared for his highness ; but the other two would not 
come into the measures. Upon which Dryden said, 
* that the seven golden candlesticks were sent to be 
assayed in the Tower, and five of them proved prince 's 
metal.' 

1112. — A gentleman of Trinity College, travel- 
ling through France with a friend, in what, on that 
side of the water, was called a chaise, was very 
much teased with the mode of travelling, particularly 
as they made so little progress, and he wanted to 
reach the next town at a set time. He tried gentle 
means of persuasion to induce the postillion to urge 
his steeds, but in vain. After floundering about in 
French, till he was out of all patience, for he was 
no great dab at it, and, withal, not being in posses- 
sion of any of those emphatic phrases which are equi- 
valent to such as Englishmen are accustomed to vent 
their anger in, he bethought himself that, if he was 
not understood, he might at least tnghten the fellow 
by using some high-sounding words ; and, collecting 
all the powers of eloquence of which he was master, 
with the voice of a stentor, he roared into the ear of 
the postillion : — ' Westmoreland, Cumberland, Nor- 
thumberland, Durham!' which the fellow mistaking 



JOE MILLER. 356 

for some tremendous oath, accompanied witl a threat, 
had the desired effect, and induced him to increase 
his speed. 

1113. — Dr. Boldero, formerly master of Jesus 
College, had been treated with great severity by the 
protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as 
was Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in 
whose gift the mastership of Jesus College is vested. 
On a vacancy of the mastership occurring, Boldero, 
without any pretensions to the appointment, in plain 
English plucks up his spirits, or, in Homer's lan- 
guage, speaks to his magnanimous soul, and presents 
his petition to the bishop. ' Who are you V says 
his lordship, ■ I know nothing of you ! 1 never heard 
of you before !' — ■ My lord,' replied Boldero, ' I have 
Buffered long and severely for my attachment to my 
royal master, as well as your lordship, and I believe 
your lordship and I have been in all the gaols in 
England.' — 4 What does the fellow mean !' exclaim- 
ed the bishop ; • Man ! I never was confined in any 
prison but the Tower!'— ■ And, my lord,' said Bol- 
dero, ■ I have been in all the rest myself!' The bi- 
shop's heart was melted at this reply, and he granted 
Boldero's petition. 

1 1 14. — Th e president of a certain college in Cam- 
bridge was one evening listening at the door of one of 
the under- graduates of his college, suspecting some- 
thing improper to be proceeding within. The stu- 
dent, by some means, having acquired a knowledge 
of the snare, taking the pot de chambre in his hand, 
he suddenly opened his door and discharged the con- 
tents over the president, accompanied with a kick 
exclaiming, at the same time, ■ Get down, you ras- 
cal ! I'll tell the president of your listening at my 
door !' 

1115. — Lord M*xcombe, when his name was 
plain Bubb, was intended by the administration of 
that time to be sent ambassador to Spain. While 



356 JOE MILLVK. 

this matter was in contemplation, Lord Chesterfield 
met him, and, touching him upon the proposed em- 
bassy, told Bubb, that he did not, by any means, 
think him fit to be the representative of the crown of 
England, at the Spanish court. Bubb begged to 
know the ground of his objection : ■ Why ' said his 
lordship, 4 your name is too short. Bubb, Bubb, — 
do you think the Spaniards, a people who pride them- 
selves on their family honours, and the length of 
their titles, will suppose a man can possess any dig- 
nity or importance, with a name of one syllable, 
which can be pronounced in a second? No. my dear 
friend, you must not think of Spain, unless you 
make some addition to your name !' — Bubb desired 
his lordship to say what he would have him do. Lord 
Chesterfield, pausing a moment, exclaimed, — ' I 
have it : what do you think of calling yourself Silly- 
Bubb V 

1 116. — Tt is related that Dr. Mansel, then an un- 
dergraduate of Trinity College, Cambridge, by chance 
called at the rooms of a brother Cantab, who was 
absent ; but he had left on his table the opening of 
a poem, which was in the following lofty strain : — 

'The sun's perpendicular rays 
Illumine the depths of the sea,' 

Here the flight of the poet by some accident stop- 
ped short ; but Dr. Mansel, who was seldom (if we 
may credit fame) lost on such occasions, illuminated 
the subject by completing the stanza in the following 
very facetious style : — 

'The fishes, beginning to sweat, 
Cried, d— n it, how hot we shall be !' 

111 7 . — At an examination for the degree of B. A. 
in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner 
whose name was Panne, one of the moral questions 
was — ' Give a definition of happiness?' To which one 



JOE MILLER. 357 

of the candidates returned the following laconic an- 
swer, — ' An exemption from Payne.' Some persons 
are so unfortunate as to buy their wit at a great price, 
as was proved in the above case ; for, on the gentle- 
man declining to apologize to Mr. Payne, he was 
suspended from his degree, for a very considerable 
time. 

Ill 8. — A student of St. John's College, who was 
remarkable for his larks and eccentricities, during 
the time he was dining in hall, called to a bon vivant, 
at another table, to say, ' that he had got a line fox 
in his rooms, for him !' This being overheard by the 
marker, who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry 
to a certain dean, and who understood the student in 
a literal sense, he took an early opportunity to in- 
form the dean of the circumstance. The student was 
very soon summoned before the master and seniors, 
for what he knew not ; however, on entering, he was 
informed, ' they had learned he kept a fix in his 
rooms — a thing not to be tolerated by the college.' 
— ■ It is very true,' replied the accused ; ' I have a 
bust of Charles James Fox, at your service !' 

1119. — Through an avenue of trees, at the back 
of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a con- 
siderable distance, the approach to which affords no 
very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, 
on a time, walking that way with a friend, and ob- 
serving the church, remarked, * That it put him in 
mind of a. fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, 
with a church at the end of it.' 

liv'O. — Quin having had an invitation from a cer- 
tain nobleman, who was reputed to keep a very ele- 
gant table, to dine with him, and having no manner 
of aversion to a good repast, he accordingly waited 
on his lordship, but found the regale far from answer- 
ing his expectations. Upon taking leave, the ser- 
vants, who were very numerous, had ranged them- 
selves in the hall. Quin finding that if he gave to 



358 joe mili.br. 

each of them it would amount to a pretty large sum, 
asked, which was the cook ? who readily answered, 
' Me, Sir.' He then inquired for the butler, who was 
as quick in replying as the other ; when he said to 
the first, ' Here is half a crown for my eating ;' and 
to the other, ■ Here is five shillings for my wine ; but, 
upon my word, gentlemen, 1 never had so bad a 
dinner for the money in my life.' 

1121. — A jockey lord met his old college tutor at 
a great horse fair, ' Ah ! doctor,' exclaimed his 
lordship, ' what brings you here among these high- 
bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a 
horse from an ass V — ' My lord,' replied the tutor, 
• I soon perceived you among these horses.' 

1P22. — A lady invited Dean Swift to dinner, and 
as she had heard he was not easily pleased, she had 
taken care to provide in profusion every delicacy 
which could be procured. The Dean was scarcely 
seated before the lady began a ceremonious harangue, 
expressing much grief that she had not a more toler- 
able dinner, fearing exceedingly there was not any 
thing fit for him to eat. ' Plague take you,' said the 
Dean, ' why did you not provide a better? certainly 
you have had time enough ; but since you say it is 
so bad. I'll e'en go home and eat a herring ;' and he 
accordingly departed in violent haste. 

1123. — When the valiant Gustavus Adolphus, 
King of Sweden, attacked Poland, he took the town 
of Higa, and, after other various successes, laid siege 
to Mew. litre, in the hurry and confusion of the 
conflict, Gustavus fell twice into the enemy's hands. 
How he escaped the first time cannot be well ascer- 
tained ; but he was extricated a second time by the 
admirable presence of mind of a Swedish horseman, 
who (to conceal his majesty's quality) cried aloud to 
the Poles, ■ Have a care of yourselves, for we will 
rescue my brother ;' since, by the way, it must be 
noted, that he had three or four companions at his 



JOE MILLER. u59 

elbow : this task he performed in an instant. When, 
not long afterwards, Gustavus perceived his deliverer 
made a prisoner in his turn, he put himself at the 
head of a troop, and brought him off triumphantly 
1 Now,' says he, ' brother soldier, we are upon equa 
terms ; for the obligation is become reciprocal.' 

11^4. — The Emperor Rodolphus Austriacus being 
at Nuremburg upon public business, a merchant 
came before him with a complaint against an inn- 
keeper, who had cheated him of a bag of money which 
he had deposited in his hands, but which the other 
denied ever having received. The emperor asked 
what evidence he had of the fact ; and the merchant 
replied, that no person was at all privy to the affair 
but the two parties. The emperor next inquired what 
kind of bag it was ; and when the merchant had de- 
scribed it particularly, he was ordered to withdraw 
into the next room. The emperor was about to send 
for the inn-keeper, when, fortunately, the man came 
himself just in time, with the principal inhabitant of 
the place, to wait upon his majesty. The emperor 
knew him very well ; and as Rodolphus was very 
pleasant in his manner, he accosted him familiarly, 
saying, ■ You have a handsome cap, pray give it to 
me, and let us exchange.' The inn-keeper, being 
very proud of this distinction, readily presented his 
cap ; and his majesty soon after retiring, sent a trusty 
and well known inhabitant of the city to the wife of 
the host, saying, ' Your husband desires you would 
send him such a bag of money, for he has a special 
occasion for it ; and by this token he has sent his cap.' 
The woman delivered the bag without any suspicion, 
and the messenger returned with it to the emperor, 
wno asked the merchant if he knew it, and he owned 
it with joy. Next the host was called in, to whom 
the emperor said, ■ This man accuses you of having 
defrauded him of a bag of money committed to ycir 
trust — what say you to the charge V The inn-keeper 



3b\) JOE MILLER. 

boldly said, ' it was a lie, or that the man must be 
mad, for he had never any concerns with him what- 
ever.' Upon this the emperor produced the bag ; at 
the sight of which the host was so confounded, that 
he stammered out a confession of his guilt. The 
merchant received his money, and the culprit was 
fined very heavily for his guilt, while all Germany 
resounded in praise of the sagacity of the emperor. 

11*15. — Mai. lit was so fond of being thought a 
sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all occa- 
sions. His wife, it is said, was a complete convert 
to his doctrines, and even the servants stared at their 
master's bold arguments, without being poisoned hy 
their influence. One fellow, however, who united a 
bad heart to an unsettled head, was determined to 
practise what Mallet was so solicitous to propagate, 
and robbed his master's house. Being pursued, and 
brought before a justice, Mallet attended, and taxed 
him severely with ingratitude and dishonesty. ' Sir,' 
said the fellow, ■ I have often heard you talk of the 
impossibility of a future state ; that, after death, 
there was neither reward for virtue, nor punishment 
for vice, and this tempted me to commit the robbery.' 
— ' Well ! but, you rascal,' replied Mallet, ' had ycu 
no fear of the gallows V — ' Master, 1 said the culprit, 
looking sternly at him, * What is it to you, if I had 
a mind to venture that? You had removed my greatest 
terror ; why should I fear the less V 

11^6. — Gakuick one day dining with a large 
company, soon after dinner left the room, and it was 
supposed had left the house ; but one of the party, 
on going into the area to seek him, found Mr. Garrick 
fully occupied in amusing a Negro boy, who was a 
servant in the family, by mimicking the manner and 
noise of a turkey-cock, which diverted the boy to 
such a degree, that he was convulsed with laughter, 
and only able now and then to utter, ' Oh, Massa 
Gnrrick ! you will kill me, Massa Garrick.' 



JOE MILLER. 361 

1127. — An author was reading some bad verses in 
his poem to a friend in a very cold apartment. The 
critic cried out, in a shaking fit, ■ My dear friend, 
either put fire into your verses, or your verses into the 
fire or I shall not be able to stand here any longer.' 

1128. — The celebrated Rabelais, when he was at 
a great distance from Paris, and without money to 
bear his expenses thither, procured some brickdust, 
and having disposed of it into several papers, wrote 
upon one, ' poison for monsieur,' upon a second, 
■ poison for the dauphin,' and on a third, ' poison for 
the king.' Having made this provision for the royal 
family of France, he laid his papers in such a manner 
that they might be seen by the landlord, who was an 
inquisitive man, and a loyal subject. The plot suc- 
ceeded as he could wish : the host secured his guest, 
and gave immediate information to the secretary of 
state of what he had discovered. The secretary 
presently sent down a special messenger, who brought 
up the pretended traitor to court, and provided him, 
at the king's expense, with proper accommodation 
on the road. As soon as he appeared, he was known ; 
and his powder, upon examination, being found per- 
fectly innocent, the jest was only laughed at ; but 
for which an inferior wit would probably have been 
sent to the gallies. 

1129. — Peter Heine, a Dutchman, from a cabin- 
boy, rose to the rank of an admiral. He was killed 
in an action at the moment his fleet triumphed over 
that of Spain. The states-general sent a deputation 
to his mother, at Delft, to condole with her on the 
loss of her son. This simple old woman, who still 
remained in her original obscurity, answered the 
deputies in these words : * 1 always foretold that 
Peter would perish like a miserable wretch that he 
was ; he loved nothing but rambling about from one 
country to another, and now he has received the re- 
ward of his folly.' 

R 



3fri JOE Mil I! It. 

1 10. — Aoesilai s being asked why Sparta had no 
walls, shewed its armed citizens, saying, 4 These are 
the walls of Sparta.' 

11)1. — M.u.iiiube, the famous reformer of French 
poetry, and of the French language, dined one day 
at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon 
the same evening, but who was more hospitable than 
eloquent. The dinner was good . the wines delicious ; 
and the poet having freely partaken of both, be 
to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. When 
the hour came for the bishop's going to church, he 
shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, ' It is time to 
start, JMalherbe. You know I am to preach this 
evening.' — ' Ah, my lord,' said the poet, 4 be so good 
as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where 1 am.' 

1132. — When Sir Walter Raleigh returned from 
his discovery of Virginia, lie brought with him a 
quantity of tobacco, which he used to smoke pr* 
vately in his study. But the first time of his doing 
it there, his man-seivant bringing his usual tankard 
of ale and nutmeg, the poor fellow, seeing the smoke 
pouring forth in clouds from his mouth, threw al l 
the contents of the tankard in his face, and then ran 
down stairs, exclaiming, ■ That his master was on fire, 
and, before they could get to him, would be burnt 
to ashes.' 

11 >o. — A Frenchman, who had immediate occa- 
sion to stop under a gateway, saw a sow and a litter 
of pigs pass him. lie stood some time admiring the 
diversity of colours, till he found an opportunity of 
pupping one under his coat and running otT with it. 
This he attempted, but was pursued by the hostler, 
who overtook and seized him with the pig in his pos- 
ion. lie was taken to Bow-street, and fully com- 
mitted. When the trial came on the circumstances 
of the theft being clearly proved, he was found guilty, 
and asked what he had to say why sentence should 
not bi passed? * Me lor, I vil trouble you attendee 



JOE MILLER. 363 

two tree vord vat I sail say. I French gentleman, 
I no understand vat you call de tief dis country. 
Mais I vil tell you tout d'affair, and you vill find 
dat I am innocent. Me lor, I never tief a pig my 
life time.' — ' Why it was found upon you/ — ' Oh, 
certainly, but I was take him with his own consent.' 
— 'How do you mean?' — ; Vy, ven I was see de 
mamma pig, and his childrens, I was very much in 
love vid them ; and dis little pig, I look his face, I 
say, you pretty little fellow, will you come live vid 
me for one month ? He says a-week ! a-week ! So 
1 have taken him for a week, dat's all.' 

1134. — When Dr. Franklin applied to the king of 
Prussia to led his assistance to America, ' Pray, doc- 
tor,' said the veteran, ' what is the object you mean 
to attain?' — ' Liberty, Sire,' replied the philosopher 
of Philadelphia : ' liberty ! that freedom which is 
the birth-right of man.' The king, after a short 
pause, made this memorable and kingly answer : 4 1 
was born a prince, 1 am become a king, and I will 
not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my 
own trade.' 

llj.i. — Two gentlemen at Bath having a differ- 
ence, one went to the other's door early in the morn- 
ing, and wrote ' Scoundrel' upon it. The other called 
upon his neighbour, and was answered by a servant, 
that his master was not at home, but if he had any 
thing to say he might leave it with him. ' No, no,' 
says he, ■ I was only going to return your master's 
visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning.' 

1136. — Miners are known to be a superstitious 
race. In some extensive mines in Wales, the men 
frequently saw the Devil, and when once he had been 
seen, the men would work no more that day. This 
became serious, for the old gentleman repeated his 
visits so frequently, that it became an injury to the 
proprietor. He at last called his men together, and told 
them it was very certain that the devil never appeared 



364 JOE MILLER. 

to any body who had not deserved to be so terrified, 
and that as he was determined to keep no rogum about 
him, he was resolved to discharge the first man that 
saw the devil again. The remedy was as efficient as 
if he had turned a stream of holy water into the mine. 

1137. — At a late review of a volunteer corps, not 
twenty miles from Norwich, the major, who gave the 
word, not finding the men so expert as he wished, 
was perpetually calling, 'As you were — as you 
were,' and putting them twice through the ordered 
manoeuvre ; the inspecting officer at length, losing 
all patience, exclaimed, ' As you were ! No, I'll be 

d d if you are a ,, you were ; for you are not half 

so good as you were the last time I saw you.' 

1138. — At a fashionable whist party, a lady hav- 
ing won a rubber of 20 guineas, the gentleman who 
was her opponent pulled out his pocket-book, and 
tendered £tl in bank-notes. The fair gamester ob- 
served, with a disdainful toss of her head, * In the 
great houses which I frequent, Sir, we always use 
gold.' — ' That may be, Madam,' replied the gentle- 
man, ' but in the little houses which I frequent, we 
always use paper.' 

1139. — A speculative gentleman, wishing to 
teach his horse to do without food, starved him to 
death. ' I had a great loss,' said he ; ■ for, just as 
he learned to live without eating, he died.' 

1140. — A citizen of London having made his for- 
tune, thought the best way to employ his money, was 
in building a row of houses in Whitechapel, to let 
out in tenements ; which, after he had built, he un- 
advisedly let one of them to a coppersmith for a term 
of lease, when unluckily the driving of the nails and 
the hammers became such a nuisance, that the other 
neighbouring tenants gave warning upon it to the 
landlord, who went immediately to the coppersmith 
and offered him any terms to give up the lease, which 
he could not prevail upon him to do ; when he luckily 



JOE MILLER. 365 

happened to mention it before an officer of the guards, 
who said, if that he would give him five guineas, and 
suffer him to be in the next house to him, that he 
would effectually force him out ; which the other 
agreed to. Accordingly, he got two drummers, and 
ordered them to keep a continual drumming; which 
so alarmed and hindered the coppersmith, that he 
could not work at his trade, as these people, when 
they work, must hear their own blows, or else they 
are liable to strike the nail too much on the head, 
and when it is almost even with the surface for it to 
come loose again ; so this expedient not only served 
the landlord, but also gave the officei the means of 
enlisting his men, as they could not work, and were 
idle. 

1141. — A young man told his friend that he 
dreamed that he had struck his foot against a sharp 
nail. ■ Why then do you sleep without your shoes V 
was the reply. 

1142. — A countryman, very much marked with 
the small- pox, applied to a justice of the peace for 
redress in an affair where one of his neighbours had 
ill treated him ; but not explaining the business so 
clearly as the justice expected, ' Fellow,' said the 
justice, in a rage, * I don't know whether you were 
inoculated for the small-pox or not ; but I am sure 
you have been for stupidity.' — ' Why, and please 
your honour,' replied the man, ' perhaps I might, as 
you say, be inoculated for stupidity, but there was 
no occasion to perform that upon your worship, for 
you seem to have had it in the natural way.' 

1 143. — A robustious countryman, meeting a phy- 
sician, ran to hide behind a wall ; being asked the 
cause, he replied, * It is so long since 1 have been 
sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.' 

1 144. — A citizen, seeing some sparrows in a tree, 
went beneath and shook it, holding out his hat to 
catch them as they fell. 



806 J OF. MII.LKR. 

1 145. — Selden tells this story: — A person of qua- 
lity came to my chamber, in the Temple, and told 
me that he had two devill in his head (I wondered 
what he meant), and just at that time one of them 
bid him kill me : with that, I began to be afraid, and 
thought he was mad. He said he knew 1 could cure 
him, and therefore entreated me to give him some- 
thing, for he was resolved he would go to nobody 
else. I perceived what an opinion he had of me, 
and that it was only melancholy that troubled him, 
took it in hand, and warranted him, if he would follow 
my directions, to cure him in a short time. I desired 
him to let me alone for about half an hour, and then 
come again, which he was very willing to do. In 
the mean time I got a card, and lapped it up hand- 
some in a piece of taffeta, put strings to the taffeta, 
and when he came I gave it him to hang about his 
neck, charging him that he should not disorder him- 
self either with eating or drinking, but eat very little 
supper, and say his prayers duly when he went to 
bed, and I made no question but he would be well 
in three or four days. Within that time, I went to 
dinner at his house, and asked him how he did. He 
said he was much better, but not perfectly well ; for, 
in truth, he had not dealt clearly with me. He had 
four devils in his head, and he perceived two of them 
were gone, with that which I had given him, but the 
other two troubled him still. • Well,' said I, ' 1 am 
glad two of them are gone, and I make no doubt but to 
get away the others.' So I gave him another thing 
to hang likewise about his neck. Three days after 
he came to me at my chamber and professed he was 
as well as ever he was in his life, and thanked me for 
the great care I had of him. I, fearing lest he might 
relapse into the like distemper, told him that there 
was none but myself, and one physician more in the 
whole town, that could cure the devils in the head 
and that was Dr. Harvey, whom I had prepared, and 



Jl'E MILLER. 367 

wished him, if ever he found himself ill in my ab- 
sence, to go to him, for he could cure his disease as 
well as myself. — The gentleman lived many years, 
and was never troubled after. 

1146. — The son of a fond father, when going to 
war, promised to bring home the head of one of the 
enemy. His parent replied, 'I should be glad to see 
you come home without a head, provided you come 
safe.' 

114-7. — The following advertisement was posted 
up at North Shields: — 'Whereas several idle and 
disorderly persons have lately made a practice of 

riding on an ass, belonging to Mr. , the head of 

the Ropery Stairs : now, lest any accident should 
happen, he takes this method of informing the public, 
that he is determined to shoot his said ass, and cau- 
tions any person who may be riding on it at the time, 
to take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mis- 
take he should shoot the wrong one.' 

1148. — A man meeting his friend, said, 'I spoke 
to you last night in a dream/ — ■ Pardon me,' replied 
the other, ■ I did not hear you.' 

1 149. — A fellow had to cross a river, and entered 
the boat on horseback ; being asked the cause, he 
replied, * I must ride, because I am in a hurry.' 

11. SO. — An eccentric barber, some years ago, 
opened a shop under the walls of the King's Bench 
prison. The windows being broken when he entered 
it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared — 
'Shave for a penny,' with the usual invitation to 
customers ; and over the door was scrawled these 
lines : 

* Here lives Jemmy Wright, 
Shaves as well as any man in England, 
Almost — not quite.' 
foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these 
nscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the 
author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd cha- 



368 

racter, he pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head 
through a paper pane into the shop, called out, 4 Is 
Jemmy Wright at home?' The barber immediately 
forced his own head through another pane into the 
street, and replied, ' No, Sir, he has just popt out.' 
Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea. 

1161. — ' Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure 
for gout V asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. 
— ■ Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it !' was the 
pithy answer. 

1154. — The ' Editio Princeps' of Virgil, now in 
the possession of a noble earl, was some years ago 
discovered in a monastery in Suabia. The good old 
monks, to whom this and several other valuable books 
belonged, could not be prevailed on to part with this 
copy for money. It happened, however, that they 
were remarkably fond of old hock. This was found 
out by an English connoisseur, who, for seven gui- 
neas worth of hock, obtained this rare copy of Virgil, 
which he afterwards sold to a book collector for 601. 
To the present possessor it cost no less than 400/. 

1153. — When Wilkes had written his poem, the 
'Essay on Woman,' he sent it in manuscript to the 
Archbishop of Canterbury, with a letter, expressing 
his anxiety not to publish any thing offensive to pub- 
lic morals, and requesting that if his grace, in per- 
using it, met with any passages that might be deemed 
objectionable, he would erase them, or make such 
alterations as to his grace might seem necessary. 
The good archbishop, quite unconscious of the snare 
that was laid for him, was actually preparing to give 
Wilkes the benefit of his advice, when a friend, who 
was made acquainted with the circumstance, dis- 
suaded his grace from the task, assuring him, that if 
he did it, Wilkes would still publish the ■ Essay on 
Woman,' and announce that it was ' corrected and 
revised by his Grace the Lord Archbishop of Can- 
terbury ' 



JOE MILLER. 3S9 

1154. — When Leti, the historian, was one day 
attending the levee of Charles the Second, he said to 
him, 'Leti, I hear that you are writing the History 
of the Court of England.' — ' Sir, I have been for 
some time preparing materials for such a history. ' 
— ■ Take care that your work give no offence,' said 
the prince. — Leti replied, ' Sir, I will do what I can, 
but if a man were as wise as Solomon, he would 
scarcely be able to avoid giving offence.' — * Why, 
then,' rejoined the king, ■ be as wise as Solomon ; 
write proverbs, not histories.' 

1155. — One day, when King James the First had 
been perusing a work, entitled, ' A Description of 
the Policy of the Church of England,' written by the 
historian Calderwood, he was peevish and discon- 
certed. A prelate standing by, inquired of his ma- 
jesty the cause of his uneasiness ? He replied, that 
he had been reading such a work. To this the pre- 
late replied, ' Don't trouble your majesty about that, 
we will answer it.' In a passion the king replied, 
1 What would you answer, man? There is nothing 
here but scripture, reason, and the fathers.' 

1156. — When Skelton published his i Deism Re- 
vealed,' the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of 
Clogher if he knew the author? ' Oh yes, he has 
been a curate in my diocese near these twenty years.' 
— ■ More shame for your lordship to let a man of his 
merit continue so long a curate in your diocese,' was 
the reply. 

1157. — It was an observation of Sir John, father 
of the celebrated Sir Thomas More, ■ that the choice 
of a wife was like putting one's hand into a bag full 
of snakes, with only one eel in it ; we may by a pos- 
sibility light on the eel, but it is a hundred to one 
&e are stung by a snake.' From the circumstance 
f his having put his own hand into the bag three 
nmes, it is to be inferred that he was more fortunatt 
than wife-hunters in general. 
R2 



370 JOB MILLER. 

1 1.^0. — Two Highlanders set out an expedition to 
steal the litter of a wild sow, which lay in a narrow- 
mouthed cave. Seizing the opportunity of the tender 
parent's absence, one of the men crept in, and the 
other kept watch at the mouth. Presently down 
came the sow distracted, as if informed of what was 
passing, by the instinct of maternal concern, and 
rushed with menacing tusks to her door ; the guard, 
as she slipped into the passage, had but just time to 
lay hold of her tail, give it a firm twist round his 
strong hand, and throwing himself down and setting 
his feet against the sides of the pass, he held hor 
fast, lie had enough to do, and no breath to waste. 
The young pigs were squeaking under the hands of 
his compauion, and the old one, to the fondest of 
pig's hearts, added the strongest of pig's sinews, and 
the most wilful of pig's purposes. The Highlander 
in the cave was too much engaged with the scream- 
ing little pigs to hear the tussle, but finding himself 
in darkness, he called out to his mate, ' Fat 's the 
matter? I canna see.' The fellow, who by this time 
had found a pig's tail a most uneasy tenure, and who 
had no wind for explanations, answered thus, ex- 
pressly and briefly denoting the precise posture of 
the case, — ' An the tail break, you'll see.' He pre- 
sently, however, got his skene dhu in his left hand, 
with which by repeated stabs he laid the body of the 
unfortunate sow dead at his feet, saved his companion 
from imminent peril, and secured the plunder, with- 
out once slackening his hold of the tail. 

1159. — A gentleman had a cask of Aminean 
wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. 
When the master perceived the deficiency, he dili- 
gently inspected the top of the cask but could find 
no traces of an opening. ' Look if there be not a 
hole in the bottom,' said a bystander. — ' Blockhead,' 
he replied, ' do you not see that the deficiency is at 
the top, and not at the bottom.' 



JOE MILLER. 3'\ 

1160. — Voltaire, in the presence of an English- 
man, was one day enlarging with great warmth in 
the praise of the celebrated Haller, extolling him as 
a great poet, a great naturalist, and a man of uni- 
versal attainments. The Englishman, who had been 
on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was handsome 
in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of 
Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was 
by no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. 
1 Alas !' said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic in- 
dulgence, ' I dare to say we are both very much mis- 
taken!' 

1161. — One day when Sir Isaac Heard was with 
his majesty, King George III. it was announced that 
his majesty's horse was ready to start for hunting. 
— 'Sir Isaac,' said the monarch, ■ are you a judge 
of horses ! J — ' In my younger days, please your ma- 
jesty/ was the reply, ' I was a great deal among 
them.' — ' What do you think of this, then V said the 
king, who was by this time preparing to mount his 
favourite ; and without waiting for an answer, added, 
* We call him Perfection.' — ' A most appropriate 
name,' replied the courtly herald, bowing as his ma- 
jesty reached the saddle, — 'for he bears the best of 
characters /' 

1 162. — A certain colonel, who had a strange hu- 
mour, when he had drank a glass or two tot) much, 
of firing off and playing tricks with his weapons, one 
night having drank too freely, ordered his footman, 
who was an Irishman newly hired, to bring his pis- 
tols. Teague obeyed , the colonel loaded them both, 
and, having locked the door, commanded his man to 
hold one of the candles at arm's length, till he snuffed 
it with the ball. Prayers and entreaties were in vain, 
and comply he must, and did, though trembling ; 
the colonel performed the operation at the first at- 
tempt, then laying down his pistols, was going to 
unlock the door. Teague catches up that which was 



372 JOE MILLER. 

loaded, ' Arrah, maister,' says he, 'but I will be 
after having my shoot too.' The colonel called him 
rogue ^nd rascal to no purpose. Teague was now 
vested with power, and would be obeyed. Accord- 
ingly his master extended the candle, but this being 
the first time of Teague's performing, he not only 
missed, but shot off a button from the breast of the 
colonel's coat. So narrow an escape had a good ef- 
fect, and cured him of his humour of turning marks- 
man in his drink. 

1163. — An officer who was quartered in a country 
town, being once asked to a ball, was observed to 
sit sullen in a corner for some hours. One of the 
ladies present, being desirous of rousing him from 
his reverie, accosted him with, ' Pray, Sir, are you 
not fond of dancing?'— ' I am very fond of dancing, 
madam,' was the reply. — ' Then why not ask some 
of the ladies that are disengaged to be your partner, 
and strike up?' — • Why, madam, to be frank with 
you, I do not see one handsome woman in the room.' — 
• Sir, yours, et cetera,' said the lad), and with a slight 
courtesy left him, and joined her companions, who 
asked her what had been her conversation with the 
captain. ' It was too good to be repeated in prose,' 
said she ; ■ lend me a pencil, and I will try to give 
you the outline in rhyme.' 

' So, Sir, you rashly vow and swear, 
You'll dance with none that are not fair, 
Suppose we women should dispense 
Our hands to none but men of sense f 
4 Suppose! well, madam, pray what then?' 
' Why, Sir, you'd never dance again.' 

1164. — George II. seemed to have none of that 
love of individual and distinct property which has 
marked the character of many sovereigns. His ma- 
jesty came one day to Richmond gardens, and, find- 
ing them locked while some decently dressed persons 
were standing on the outside, called for the head gar- 



JOE Nil LER. 373 

dener, and told him, in a great passion, to open the 
door immediately. — ■ My subjects,' said his majesty, 
1 walk where they please.' — On another occasion, the 
same gardener was complaining that some of the com- 
pany, in their walks round the garden, had pulled 
up flowers, roots, and shrubs ; the king, shaking his 
cane, replied, ' Plant more then, you blockhead.' 

1 165. — The Duke of Mantua once observed to the 
celebrated Perron, that the court-jester was a fellow 
without either wit or humour. 'Your grace must 
pardon me,' said Perron ; ' I think he has a great 
deal of wit to live by a trade that he does not under- 
stand.' 

1 166. — The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend 
Mr. Vansittart, ' Your name is such a long one, I 
shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for the fu- 
ture.' — * With all ray heart/ said he : ' by the same 
rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear !* 

1167. — In a life of St. Francis Xavier, written by 
an Italian monk, it is said, * that by one sermon he 
converted 10,000 perstms in a dts rt island!' 

1168. — Among a company of cheerful Irishmen, 
in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's, it was proposed 
by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him 
that off-hand should write six lines in poetry of his 
own composing. Several of the merry crew attempt- 
ed unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the 
wittiest among them thus ended the contest : 

Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm, 

Excuse me if I just step home •, 

Two lines already ! — be not cru'l, 

Consider honies, I'm a fool. 

There's four lines ! — now I'll gain the fowls. 

With which I soon s^all 611 my bowls. 

1169. — Dr. Johnson as so accustomed to say 

always the exact truth, th,- he never condescended to 

ive an equivocal answer > any question ; of which 

e following is an instance is related by Mr. North? 






374 JOE M1LLE1. 

cote. — A lady of his acquaintance once asked him 
how it happened that he was never invited to dine 
at the tables of the great? He replied, ' Because, 
madam, great lords and ladies do not like to have 
their mouths stopped !' 

1 1 70. — Th e Royal Society, on the day of its crea- 
tion, was the whetstone of the wit of their patron, 
Charles II. With a peculiar gravity of countenance, 
he proposed to the assembly the following question 
for their solution : — ' Suppose two pails of water \ 
fixed in two different scales equally poised, and which 
weighed equally alike, and that two live bream or 
small fish, were put into either of these pails, he 
wanted to know the reason why that pail, with such 
addition, should not weigh more than the other pail 
which stood against it ' — Every one was ready to set 
at quiet the royal curiosity ; but it appeared that 
every one was giving a different opinion. One. at 
length, offered so ridiculous a solution, that another 
of the members could not refrain from a loud laugh ; 
when the King, turning to him, insisted that he 
should give his sentiments as well as the rest. This 
he did without hesitation, and told his majesty, in 
plain terms, that he denied the fact. On which the 
King, in high mirth, exclaimed, ' Odds fish, brother, 
you are in the right !' 

1171. — In a certain company, the conversation 
having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the 
organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, 
a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ. 

1 17?. — William Vat i the old, the fa- 

mous painter of sea pieces, was so fond of his art, 
that in order justly to observe the movements and 
various positions of ships engaging in a sea-fight, that 
he might design them from nature, and unite truth 
with grandeur and elegance in his compositions, he 
did not hoitate to attend those engagements in a 
small light vessel, and sail as near to his enemies as 



JOB MILLER. 375 

his friends, attentive only to his drawing, and with- 
out the least apparent anxiety for the danger to which 
he was every moment exposed. Of that bold and 
dauntless disposition he gave two very convincing 
proofs before his arrival in England ; the one was in 
that severe battle between the Duke of York and 
Admiral Opdam, in which the Dutch Admiral and 
500 men were blown up — the other was in that me- 
morable engagement, which continued three days, 
between Admiral Monck and Admiral de Ruyter. 
During the continuance of these different engage- 
ments, Vandervelde plied between the fleets, so as to 
represent minutely every movement of the ships, and 
the most material circumstances of the action, with 
incredible exactness and truth. 

1173. — During the time that martial law was in 
force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from 
having fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous 
varlets gave information that a Mr. Scanlon, of Dub- 
lin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, 
with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the 
house, and demanded, in the king's name, that the 
mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon, 
a respectable apothecary, immediately produced 
them, adding, that as they were useless without the 
yestles, these also were at his majesty's service. 

1174. — The following story was related by the 
Nabob of Arcot to an English lady : — A certain man 
fell asleep under a tree, whilst his friend was sitting 
beside him. A snake came down from the branches, 
and the friend endeavoured to kill it : but the snake 
said, * I will not depart till I have tasted of that man's 
blood, for this purpose was I sent hither.' — ■ Since 
it is so,' replied the friend ; ' I cannot possibly avert 
the decrees of God ;' then taking a knife, he opened 
a vein in the man's neck, who awoke, saw the knife, 
and the blood gushing forth, but closed his eyes again 
and remained silent. The snake drank the blood 



JOE MI -LFR. 

and went away. The friend immediately applied to 
a surgeon, and adopted means to stop the bleeding. 
Some months after, a person asked this man why he 
had been so calm, and shut his eyes when he saw 
the bloody knife. ■ To this hour,' he replied, ' I do 
Dot know the reason of that man's action ; but I sup- 
pose it was for my good ; therefore I would not mis- 
trust him, nor make any inquiry into the circumstance. 
I believe him my friend — Friendship can never doubt 
.—and to that man in whom my heart confides, I will 
intrust my body.' — * This, and no less than this/ said 
the young Nabob, ' we call Friendship.' 

1175. — Not many years ago, a man was hanged at 
a country town in Ireland for highway robbery ; but 
his friends having taken the body to a house, fancied 
that they discovered some signs of life, and imme- 
diately applied to a surgeon, who, with considerable 
difficulty , succeeded in restoring the man to his senses. 
Finding himself much annoyed by the multitude of 
visitors, and the questions w Inch they asked respect- 
ing his short excursion to the other world, the man 
declared that he would not gratify their curiosity 
until each person should have paid the sum of two- 
pence. With this demand they readily complied, 
and he very seriously informed them, that at the 
moment when he was recalled to this world by the 
surgeon's assistance, he had just arrived at the gates 
of heaven, where he saw St. Peter sitting with the 
hays in his hand. This anecdote was related by the 
surgeon as a matter of fact, to a gentleman now re- 
siding in London. 

1176. — Fringes I«, that gallant prince who revived 
literature, had the merit of restoring the beard also, 
which had been proscribed by several of his prede- 
cessors, but it was so arranged and shaped as to form 
a new adornment to the face. This restoration gave 
to the beaidite and antibeardite factions. The 
clergy assumed the beard, but it was only the court 



JOE MILLER. 377 

clergy. There was a signal victory gained by the 
antibeardites, which deserves particular notice. Wil- 
liam Duprat coming bearded to take possession of 
his bishopric of Clermont, the dean of the canons 
attended by all the chapter, stopped him at the church 
gates, and respectfully presenting to him a large pair 
of scissars on a silver tray, protested that he should 
neither receive homage, nor be received himself, until 
he had repudiated his beard. William yielded with 
a good grace, and entered amidst the acclamations 
of the canons, carrying the spoils of their bishop's 
chin in triumph. It was under Louis XIII. that the 
beard disappeared from the French court, never to 
return. 

1177. — Lohd Polkemet (a lord of session) in- 
vited once a member of the Scottish bar, to tak a 
family dinner with himsel, his wife, and bairns. 
When dinner was served up, there appeared a joint 
of roan veal at the head of the table ; stewed veal at 
the bottom ; veal-soup in the middle ; \ea.Vs-head on 
one side of the soup, and \ea\-cutlets on the other ; 
calf's- foot jelly between the veal-soup and the roast 
veal, and veal's brains between the stewed veal and 
feal-soup. ' Noo* quoth his lordship, in his own 
blunt way, ■ Mr. H you may very likely think this 
an odd sort of a dinner ; but ye'll no wonder when ye 
ken the cause of it. We keep nae company, Mr. H. ; 
and Miss B. here, my daughter, caters for our table. 
The way we do is just this : — we kill a beast, as it 
were to-day, and we begin to cook it at one side of 
the head, travel down that side, turn the tail, and just 
gang back again by the other side to where we began.' 

1178. — A German of the name of Klotch, a very 
worthy man, was cook and maitre d'hotel to the 
Empress Catherine. Though old, he was a court 
Deau, and very spruce about the head ; and, being a 
favourite with her imperial majesty, used to hand 
some particular dishes to her on great occasions. 



378 Job MILLER. 

One of the torments in high northern latitudes, where 
the summer is so short and hot, is the innumerable 
hosts of flies that tease you. Some wags, aware of 
tins, got the old gentleman's best bag-wig, and pow- 
dered it with the finest pulverized double refined 
white sugar ; so that, when he waited at table, he 
was beset, like Pharaoh, with the worst of his plagues. 
He beat with his hands, blew, puffed, reddened in 
the face, and at last, no longer able to bear silently 
the torment he endured, burst out suddenly with the 
exclamation of ■ Donder and blitz vas is das for a fly 
summer !' Her majesty, aware of the trick, soothed 
him ; and, affecting to wonder the flies should ex- 
clusively level all their stings at him, advised him to 
pull off his wig, which he reluctantly was obliged to 
do, and actually finished his attendance in a full dress 
suit of embroidered clothes, with his naked shaved 
head, to the no small amusement of the company 
present. 

1179. — A certain king of Spain, from whom by 
the fate of battle a large extent of tenitory had been 
taken away, nevertheless continued to receive from 
his courtiers the title of Great. 'His greatness,' 
said a Spaniard, ' is like that of a ditch, which in- 
creases in proportion to the ground it loses.' 

1180. — An Astrologer of the 15th century having 
foretold the death of a beautiful woman, whom 
Louis XI. loved, and who happened to die according 
to his prediction, the king was so enraged that he 
ordered him into his presence. ' You who foresee 
all,' said Louis, ' tell me when you yourself shall die.' 
The man, who without being a conjuror perceived 
the anger of the king, replied, ' T shall die three days 
before your majesty.' Fear and superstition got the 
better of resentment ; and to preserve his own life, 
Louis was very careful of that of the astrologer. 

1181. — A lady, who was pressed for time in the 
progiess of some business, which was very important 



JOE MILLER. 879 

to her, and who was going to her attorney to consult 
with him about the proceedings which were going 
on, to avoid a circuitous rout went in at one door 
of a church, during the time of divine service, and 
passed out at the other. In reply to some reproof 
which she received for having done so, she said, 
' You must acknowledge that I am a thorough 
church-woman.' 

1182. — Charles the Sixth of France gave a mas- 
querade, in which himself and five courtiers played 
the part of satyrs ; to resemble which, they were 
clothed in close linen habits, besmeared with rosin, 
and then stuck with down all over. One of the 
company, in a frolic touched one of these satyrs with 
a lighted torch as they were dancing in a ring. The 
consequence was, that all the six masks, or satyrs, 
were instantly enveloped in flames ; four of the six 
were burnt to death on the spot ; and the king never 
recovered the fright and disorder occasioned by the 
accident. 

1183. — Henry the Fourth of France was much 
enamoured of a lady who used to attend the court. 
The Prince one day, in a gallant humour, said to her, 
* Pray, Madam, which is the way to your bed-room V 
— ' Through the church,' replied she. 

1 184. — A very talkative lady received a visit from 
a gentleman, who was introduced to her as a man of 
great taste and learning. She, in order to court his 
admiration, displayed her knowledge and her wit with 
an unceasing rapidity. Being asked her opinion of 
her new acquaintance, she said she was never more 
charmed with the company of any man. A general 
laugh ensued ; the gentleman was dumb, and had 
kept up the conversation only with nods and smiles. 

1185. — A young barrister, being reproached by 
his opponent for his extreme youth, said, ■ It is true 
that I am young, but my learned friend will find in 
tae course of this trial that I have read old books.' 



300 ;OH MILL1.H. 

1186. — Mono, Duke of Milan, havinq- displayod 
before the foreign ambassadors his magnificence and 
his riches, which excelled those of every other prince, 
said to them, ■ Has a man, possessed of so much 
wealth and prosperity, any thing to desire in this 
world?' — 'One thing only,' said one of them, — 'a 
nail to fix the wheel of Fortune.' 

1187. — Chamillart, Comptroller-general of the 
finances in the reign of Louis XIV. had been a cele- 
brated pleader. He once lost a cause, in which he 
was concerned, through his excessive fondness for 
billiards. His client called on him the day after in 
extreme affliction, and told him that if he had made 
up a document which had been put into his hands, 
but which he had neglected to examine, a verdict 
must have been given in his favour. Chamillart read 
it, and found it of decisive importance to his cause. 
' You sued the defendant,' said he, ■ for 20,000 livres. 
You have failed by my inadvertence. It is my duty 
to do you justice. Call on me in two days.' — In the 
mean time Chamillart procured the money, and paid 
it to his client, on no other condition than that he 
would keep the transaction secret. 

1188. — A young engraver just entering into life, 
and who afterwards rose to great eminence in his 
profession, applied to Alderman Boydell for employ- 
ment. Having never executed any considerable work 
he had only some trifling specimens of his ability to 
shew. The alderman, however, was satisfied from 
them that the young artist possessed abilities worthy 
of encouragement, and offered him a picture, if he 
thought himself equal to it. The young man under- 
took it, and agreed on 25 guineas as the remuneration. 
When the plate was quite finished, he waited on the 
fclderman, finally to deliver it with a proof. Mr. 
Boydell examined so long, and as it seemed so 
minutely, that the artist was almost apprehensive that 
he was not quite pleased with it, and resolved to ask 



JOF. MILLER. 381 

him ; adding, * that be should be happy to make 
any improvement or correction that Mr. Boydell 
might suggest.' — ' Oh no,' replied the alderman, ' I 
am extremely pleased with it, and desire no altera- 
tion. It is charming ; and instead of 25 guineas, I 
shall give you five and thirty : — very charming indeed 
— the more I look at it the more 1 like it ; I shall 
give you 50 guineas.' He went to his desk and 
wrote a cheque on his banker, which he gave to the 
artist, telling him to call on him in a few days, as he 
had further employment for him. The young man 
endeavoured to express his gratitude for this unex- 
pected and munificent liberality of his new patron ; 
but his speech utterly failed him, when, casting 
his eye on the cheque which he held in his hand, he 
found it to be for One Hututred Guineas ! This happy 
event was the foundation both of his fortune and 
his fame. 

1189. — Abbe Ci erambaui.t, who was deformed, 
was elected to succeed La Fontaine in the French 
Academy. On that occasion it was said that ■ La 
Fontaine was very properly succeeded by Esop.' 

1190. — One of the countless victims to the Font- 
hill Epidemic, at the moment of exhibiting that in- 
fallible incipient symptom which betrays itself in a 
visit to the princely mansion of the Pembrokes, found 
his atteution arrested at the very entrance, by the 
noble equestrian statue of Marcus Aurelins. After 
bestowing on this superb effort of the sculptor's art its 
due degree of silent admiration, he turned to a decent- 
looking native who stood nigh, and inquired for whom 
that figure was intended ? ■ Thot ther, Zur V was the 
reply ; ■ iss shuer I know't — 'tuz Marquis 0' Riley's.* 

1191. — Mr. Schoonhoven, an old man, eighty 
years of age, who not long since lived in the neigh- 
bourhood of Lake George, related the following 
remarkable instance of the cruelty and generosity 
of the Indians, to Mr. H , a friend of Dr. Silli- 



3R2 JOE MILLER. 

man. During the last French war in America, he, 
with six or seven other Americans, was taken pri- 
soner by a detachment of Indians, while on an ex- 
cursion through the wilderness between Fort William 
Henry on Lake George, and Sandy Hill on Hudson's 
River, where there is now a flourishing village. They 
conducted them to a spot which now forms an open 
place in the middle of the village, and made them sit 
down in a row on the trunk of a tree. The Indians 
then began, with perfect indifference, to split the 
skulls of their victims successively with their toma- 
hawks ; while the survivors were compelled to 
witness the dreadful fate of their companions, and 
await their own with a terror not to be conceived. 
Mr. Schoonhoven was the last but one on the opposite 
end of the tree where the massacre had begun. His 
turn was already come, and the murderous axe was 
brandished over his head and ready to fall on him, 
when the chief made a signal to put an end to the 
murder. On this he approached Mr. Schoonhoven, 
and said to him with composure : ' Do you not re- 
member how (at a time which he mentioned) while 
your young people were dancing, some poor Indians 
came up, and wished to join in the dance ; but your 
young people said, " No ; Indians shall not dance 
with us :" but you (for this man, it seems, recognised 
his features just at the critical moment) said, '• the 
Indians shall dance." I will now shew you that 
Indians can remember a favour.' This accidental 
recollection saved the life of Schoonhoven and his 
surviving companion. 

1192. — Hen Jonson, owing a vintner some money, 
refrained his house ; the vintner, meeting him by 
chance, asked him for his money ; and also told him 
if he would come to his house and answer him four 
questions, he would forgive him the debt. Ben Jon- 
son very gladly agreed, and went at the time ap- 
pointed, called for a bottle of claret, and drank to 



JOE MILLER. 383 

the vintner, praising the wine at a great rate. Says 
the vintner, ' This is not our business : Mr. Jonson, 
answer me ray four questions, or else you must pay 
me my money, or go to jail' (and he had got two 
bailiffs waiting at the door to arrest him). ' Pray,' 
says Ben, 'propose them.' — 'Then,' says the vint- 
ner, 'tell me, 1st, What pleases God] Jdly, What 
pleases the devil 1 3dly, What pleases the world ? 
and 4thly, What best pleases me?' — ' Well, then, 

* God is best pleased when man forsakes his sin; 
The devil's best pleas 'd when men persist therein ; 
The world's best pleas'd when you do draw good wine, 
And you'll be pleas'd when I do pay for mine/ 

The vintner was satisfied, gave Ben a receipt in 
full, and a bottle of claret into the bargain. 

1193. — A man, who was on the point of being 
married, obtained from his confessor his certificate of 
confession. Having read it, he observed that the 
priest had omitted the usual penance. ' Did you not 
tell me, said the confessor, ' that you were going to 
be married If 

1194. — Dean Jackson passing one morning 
through Christ-church quadrangle, met some under- 
graduates, who walked along without capping. The 
Dean called one of them, and asked, ' Do you know 
who I am V — 'No, Sir.' — 'How long have you been 
in College V — ' Eight days, Sir.' — * Oh, very well,' 
said the Dean, walking away, ' puppies don't open 
their eyes till the ninth day.' 

119.5. — A little lawyer appearing as evidence in 
one of the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsel- 
lor, what profession he was of ; and having replied 
that he was an attorney. ' You a lawyer!' said 
Brief, 'why I could put you in my pocket.' — ' Very 
likely you may (rejoined the other), and if you do, 
you will have more law in your pocket than ever you 
had in your head.' 



384 JOB MILLER. 

1196. — The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended 
by some officers of the town, goes round on a mar- 
ket-day to examine the weight of the butter, and they 
seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A 
countryman, who generally stood in a particular 
place, having on a former market day lost two pounds 
of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, 
to laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a 
considerable quantity from a woman who stood near 
him. One of the officers, not pleased with the fel- 
low's want of decorum, particularly in tlie presence 
of men vested with such awful authority, said, * What 
do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two pounds 
from you last week.' — ' I'll lay you a guinea of it,' 
said the countryman. — ' Done,' replied the officer ; 
and immediately put a guinea into the hands of a 
respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own 
door. The countryman instantly covered it ; and 
then, with a triumphant grin, said, ■ Well done, thick 
head, if it had been two pounds would you have 
taken it from me ? was it not for being short of weight 
that I lost it?' The umpire without hesitation de- 
cided in his favour, to the great mortification of the 
humble administrators of justice. 

1197. — An Irishman, some years ago, attending" 
the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the 
most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desir- 
ing to know on what terms he would give him a few 
lessons : the flute player informed him, that he ge- 
nerally charged two guineas for the first mouth, and 
one guinea for the second. 'Then, by my soul,' 
replied the Hibernian, ■ I'll begin the second month!' 

1 198. — Foote being at table next to a gentleman 
who had helped himself to a very large piece of 
bread ; he took it up and cut a piece off. ' Sir,' said 
the gentleman, ' that is my bread.' — ' I beg a thou- 
sand pardons, Sir/ said Foote, ' I protest I took it 
'or the loaf.' 



JOE MILLER. 3&1 

1199. — The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was 
lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and in- 
attention of his officers, he was obliged to do the 
whole duty of the regiment. ■ I am,' said he, ' my 
own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet,' — 
' and trumpeter also, 1 presume/ said a certain witty 
duchess. 

1200. — The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his 
addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccess- 
fully ; during which time he had always accustomed 
himself to propose her health, whenever he was 
called upon for a lady. But being observed one 
evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that 
he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. * Why, 
indeed,' said the doctor, ' I find it all in vain ; I have 
toasted her so many years and cannot make her 
Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.' 

1201. — The late Dr. Fowler, bishop of Glouces- 
ter, and Justice Powell, had frequent altercations on 
the subject of ghosts. The bishop was a zealous de- 
fender of the reality of them ; the justice was some- 
what sceptical. The bishop one day met his friend, 
and the justice told him that since their last confe- 
rence on the subject, he had had ocular demonstra- 
tion, which had convinced him of the existence of 
ghosts. ■ I rejoice at your conversion,' replied the 
bishop ; * give me the circumstance which produced 
it, with all the particulars. Ocular demonstration, 
you say?' — ' Yes, my lord ; as I lay last night in my 
bed, about the twelfth hour I was awakened by an 
uncommon noise, and heard something coming up 
stairs !' — * Go on, Sir.' — ' Fearfully alarmed at the 

noise, I drew my curtain .' — ■ Proceed.' — * And 

saw a faint glimmering light enter my chamber.' — 
1 Of a blue colour, was it not?' interrogated the doc- 
tor. ' Of a pale blue ! and this pale blue light was 
followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, who ap- 
peared as an old man of seventy years of age, arrayed 



3ttO jot Mil i 

in a long light colouied rug gown, bound with a 
leathern girdle : his beard thick and grisly ; his h.iir 
scant and straight ; his face of a dark sable hue 
upon his head a large fur cap ; and in his hand a 
long staff, ["error seized my whole frame. I trem- 
bled till the bed verily shook, and cold drops hung 
upon every limb. The figure advanced with a slow 
and solemn step.' — ' Did you not speak to it? there 
was money hid, or murder committed, without 
doubt,' said the bishop. ' My lord, 1 did speak to it ; 
I adjured it by all that was holy to tell me whenee, 
and for what purpose he thus appeared.' — ' And in 
Heaven's name what was the reply V — ' Before he 
deigned to speak, he lifted up his staff three several 
times, my lord, and smote the floor, even so loudly 
that verily the strokes caused the room to reverberate 
the thundering sound, lie then waved the pale blue 
light which he bore in what is ealled a lantern, he 
waved it even to my eyes; and he told me, my lord, 
he told me that he was, yes, my lord, that he was, 
not more nor less than — the uatcltman ! who had 
come to give me notice that my street door was open, 
and that unless I rose and shut it, I might be robbed 
before morning.' The justice had no sooner con- 
cluded, than the bishop disappeared. 

l$oi. — A i Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried 
about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergy- 
man, not educated in the school of Tattersall, ap- 
pealed as a witness. He was confused in giving his 
evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who 
examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, ' 1': 

do you know the difference between a horse and 
acowV — ' I acknowledge my ignorance,' replied the 
clergyman ; ' I hardly know the difference bet\\. 
a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull, only that 
a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully,' bowing 
respectfully to the counsellor, ' luckily for me, has 
none.' 



JOE MILLER. 387 

1 903. — As two Irish soldiers were passing through 
Chippenham, one of them observing the Borough 
Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a 
Catchment ) over the Town-hall door, accosted his 
comrade with — ' Arrah Pat, lookup, what is that sign V 
— ' Botheration,' cries Pat, ■ 'tis no sign at all at all, 
'tis only a sign that somebody's dead that lives there.' 

1204. — Some years ago, a German Prince making 
the tour of Europe, stopped at Venice for a short 
period. It was at the close of summer, the Adriatic 
wa> calm, the nights were lovely, the Venetian wo- 
men full of those delicious spirits, that in their cli- 
mate rise and fall with the coming and departure of 
this finest season of the year. Every day was giveu 
by this illustrious stranger, to researches among 
the records aud antiquities of this singular city ; and 
every night to parties on the Brenta or the m u &M 
the morning drew nigh, it was the custom to return 
from the water, to sup at some of the houses of the 
nobility. In the commencement of his intercourse, 
all national distinctions were carefully suppressed; 
but as his intimacy increased, he could not help ob- 
serving the lurking vanity of the Italians. One of 
its most frequent exhibitions, was in the little dramas 
that wound up their stately festivities. The wit was 
constantly sharpened by some contrast between the 
Italian and the German, some slight aspersion on 
Teutonic rudeness, or some remark on the history 
of a people untouched by the elegance of southern 
manners. As the sarcasm was conveyed with Italian 
grace, and the offence softened by its humour, it was 
obvious that the only retaliation must be a good-na- 
tured and humorous one. When the Prince was on 
the point of taking leave, he invited his entertainers 
to a farewell supper. He drew the conversation to 
the infinite superiority of the Italians, and above all 
of the Venetians, acknowledged the darkness in 
which Germany had been destined to remain so long, 



388 JOE MILLER. 

and looked forward with infinite sorrow to the com- 
parative opinion of posterity, upon a country to 
which so little of its gratitude must be due. ' But, 
my lords,' said he, rising, ■ we are an emulous peo- 
ple, and an example like yours must not be lost even 
upon a German. I have been charmed with your 
dramas, and have contrived a little arrangement to 
give you one of our country ; if you will condescend 
to follow me to the great hall.' The company rose 
and followed him through the splendid suite of a Ve- 
netian villa : to the hall which was fitted up as a 
German barn. The aspect of the theatre produced 
at first universal surprise, and next a universal smile. 
It had no resemblance to the gilded and sculptured 
saloons of their own sumptuous little theatres. How- 
ever, it was only so much the more Teutonic. The 
curtain drew up — the surprise rose into loud laughter, 
even amongst the Venetians, who have been seldom 
betrayed into any thing beyond a smile for genera 
tions together. The stage was a temporary erection, 
rude and uneven. The scenes represented a wretch- 
ed irregular street, scarcely lighted by a single lamp, 
and looking the fit haunt for robbery and assassina- 
tion. On a narrower view, some of the noble spec- 
tators began to think it had a resemblance to an Ita- 
lian street, and some actually discovered in it one of 
the leading streets of their own city. But the play 
was on a German story, and they were under a Ger- 
man roof. The street, notwithstanding its similitude, 
was of course German. The street was for a time 
unpeopled; but at length a traveller, .a German, 
with pistols in his belt, and apparently exhausted 
with fatigue, came heavily pacing along. He 
knocked at several of the doors, but could obtain no 
admission. He then wrapped himself up in his cloak, 
sat down upon the fragment of a monument, and thus 
soliloquized : — ■ Well, here I have come, and this 
is my reception. All palaces, no inns ; all nobles. 



JOE MILLF.R. 389 

and not a man to tell me where I can lie down in 
comfort or in safety. Well, it can't be helped. A 
German does not much care, campaigning has hard- 
ened effeminacy amongst us. Loneliness is not so 
well unless a man can labour or read. Read, that's 
true, come out Zimmerman.' He drew a volume 
from his pocket, moved nearer to a decaying lamp, 
and soon seemed absorbed. He had been till now 
the only actor. Another soon shared the eyes of the 
spectators. A tall light figure came with a kind of 
visionary movement from behind the monument, sur- 
veyed the traveller with keen curiosity, listened with 
apparent astonishment at his words, and in another 
moment had fixed itself gazing over his shoulder on 
the volume. The eyes of this singular being wan- 
dered rapidly over the page, and when it was turned, 
they were lifted up to Heaven, with the strongest 
expressions of astonishment. The German was 
weary, his head soon drooped over his book, and he 
closed it. ■ What,' said he, rising and stretching 
himself, ■ is there no one stirring yet in this comfort- 
less place — is it not near day V He took out his re- 
peater, and touched the pendant ; it struck four. 
His mysterious attendant had watched him narrowly, 
the repeater was eyed in its turn ; but when it struck, 
delight was mingled with the wonder that had till 
then filled his pale, intelligent countenance. * Four 
o'clock,' said the German ; ■ in my country half the 
world would be going to their day's-work by this 
time ; in another hour it will be sun-rise. Well then , 
you nation of sleepers, I'll do you a service, and 
make you open your eyes.' He drew out one of his 
pistols and fired it. The attendant form still hover- 
ing behind him, had looked curiously on the pistol ; 
but on its going off, it started back in terror, and 
uttered a loud cry, that made the traveller start. 
* Who are you V was his greeting to this strange in- 
truder. ' I will not hurt you,' was the answer. 



3P0 jos: mii.i.kr 

• Who caie's about that V was the retort, and he 
pulled out the other pistol. ' My friend, ' said the 
figure, ' even that weapon of thunder and lightning 
cannot hurt ine now ; but if you would know who I 
am, let me entreat you to satisfy my curiosity a mo- 
ment. You seem a man of extraordinary powers.' — 
' Well then,' said the German, in a gentler tone, • if 
you come as a friend, I shall be glad to give you 
all the information in my power : it is the custom of 
our country to deny nothing to those who will love 
or learn.' The former sighed deeply, and murmured, 
4 And yet you are a German ; but you were just 
reading a case of strange and yet most interesting 
figures : was it a manuscript V — ' No, it was a printed 
book !' — ' Printing, what is printing ? I never heard 
but of writing.' — ' It is an art by which one man can 

five to the world in one day, as much as three hun- 
red could give by writing, and in a character of 
superior clearness and beauty ; by which, books are 
universal, and literature eternal.' — ■ Admirable, 
rious art !' said the inquirer, ' who was its illustrious 
inventor?' — A German !' — ' Hut, another question, 
I saw you look at a most curious instrument, traced 
with figures, it sparkled with diamonds ; but its. 
greatest wonder was its sound. It gave the hour 
with miraculous exactness, and the sounds were 
followed with tones superior to the sweetest mu^ic 
of my day.' — 4 That was a repeater !' — ■ How ! when 
I had the luxuries of the world at my command, 
I had nothing better to tell the hour with, than a cleo- 
sydra, or a sun-dial. But this must be invaluable, 
from its facility of being carried about. It must be 
an admirable guide even to higher knowledge. All 
depends upon the exactness of time. It may assist 
navigation, astronomy. What an invention ! whose 
was it 1 he must be more than human.' — ' He was a 
German !' — ' What, still a barbarian ! I remember 
his nation : I once saw a legion of them inarching 



JOE MILLER. 3&1 

towards Rome — they were a bold and brave blue- 
eyed troop— the whole city poured out to see them ; 
but we looked on them as so many gallant sa\ages. 
I have only one more question to ask you. 1 saw 
you raise your hand, with a small truncheon in it ; 
in a moment something rushed out, that seemed a 
portion of the fire of the clouds. Were those thun- 
der and lightning that I saw ? Did they come at 
your command ] Was that truncheon a talisman, 
and are you a mighty magician 1 Was that truncheon 
a sceptre, commanding the elements ? Are you a 
god t The strange inquirer had drawn back gradu- 
ally, as his feelings rose. His curiosity was now 
turned into solemn wonder, and he stood gazing up- 
wards, in an attitude expressive of mingled awe and 
astonishment. The German felt the sensation of a 
superior presence growing on himself, as he looked 
on the fixed countenance of this mysterious being. 
It was in that misty blending of light and darkness, 
which the moon leaves as it sinks just before morn. 
There was a single hue of pale grey in the East that 
tinged the stranger's visage, with a chill li^ht ; the 
moon resting broadly on the horizon, was setting be- 
hind, and the figure seemed as if standing in the 
orb ; its arms were lifted towards heaven, and the 
light came through between them, with the mild 
splendour of a vision. But the German, habituated 
to the vicissitudes of ■ perils by flood and field,' shook 
off his brief alarm, and proceeded calmly to explain 
the source of the miracle. He gave a slight detail 
of the machinery of the pistol, and alluded to the 
history of gunpowder. ' It must be a mighty in- 
strument in the hands of man, either for good or ill,' 
said the form. * How it must change the nature of 
war ! By whom was this wondrous secret revealed to 
the treaders upon earth !' — ■ A German.' The form 
seemed suddenly to enlarge — its feebleness of voice 
was gone — its attitude was irresistibly noble. Be- 



392 joe miller. 

fore it had uttered a word, it looked as made to per- 
suade and command ; its outer robe had been flung 
away j it now stood with an antique dress of brilliant 
white, gathered in many folds, and edged in a deep 
border of purple ; a slight wreath, like laurel, of a 
dazzling green, was on its brow ; it looked like the 
Genius of Eloquence. ■ Stranger,' said he, pointing 
to the Appenines, which were beginning to be 
marked with twilight, ' eighteen hundred years have 
passed away since I was the glory of all beyond those 
mountains. J was then triumphant, and was ho- 
noured as the great leading mind of the intellectual 
empire of the world : but I knew nothing of these 
things ; I was a child to you. Has not Italy been 
still the mistress of the mind ? Shew me her noble 
inventions. I must soon sink into the earth — let me 
learn still to love my country.' The listener started 
back, exclaiming, ■ Who, and what are you V — ' I 
am the spirit of an ancient Roman. Shew me by 
the love of a patriot, what Italy now sends out to 
enlighten mankind.' The German looked embar- 
rassed; but, in a moment after, he heard the sound 
of a pipe and tabor. He pointed in silence to the 
narrow street from whence the interruption came ; a 
ragged figure tottered out, with a barrel-organ at his 
back, a frame of puppets in his hand, a hurdy-gurdy 
round his neck, and a string of dancing dogs in his 
train. The spirit uttered, with a sigh, ' Is this 
Italy ?' The German bowed his head. The showman 
began his cry — ' Raree show, fine raree show against 
the wall ! Fine, Madam Catalani dance upon de 
ground. Who come for de galantee show!' The 
organ struck up, the dogs danced, the Italian capered 
round them. The spirit raised his broad gaze to 
Heaven — ' These the men of my country! these the 
poets, the orators, the patriots of mankind ! What 
scorn and curse has fallen upon them !' As he gazed, 
tears suddenly suffused his eyes ; a sunbeam struck 



JOE MILLER. 393 

across the spot where he stood ; a purple mist rose 
around him, and he was gone.— The Venetians, with 
one accord, started from their seats and rushed out 
of the hall. The Prince and his suite had previously 
arranged every thing for leaving the city, and were 
beyond the Venetian territory before sunrise. An- 
other night in Venice, and they would have been on 
their way to the other world. 

1205.— Columbus speaking with great humility of 
his discovery of America, some of the company spoke 
in very depreciating terms of the expedition. ' There 
is no more difficulty,' replied Columbus, '.than in 
putting this egg on its end.' They tried the experi- 
ment, and all failed. Columbus, breaking a little 
off the end, set it upright. The company sneered at 
the contrivance. - * Thus/ observed Columbus, * a 
thing, appears very easy after it is done.' 

1206. — Three graziers at a fair left their money 
with their hostess, while they went to transact their 
business. A short time after, one of them returned, 
and under pretence that they had occasion for the 
whole money, received it from the hostess, and made 
his escape with it. The other two sued the woman 
for delivering that which she had received from the 
three, before the three came and demanded it. The 
cause was tried, and a verdict found against the 
woman ; when Mr. Noy, then making his first ap- 
pearance at the bar, wished to be feed by her, be- 
cause he could not plead without it. He then moved 
an arrest of judgment, that he was retained by the 
defendant, and that the case was this: the defendant 
had received the money of the three together, arid 
confesses she was not to deliver it until the same 
three demanded it, and therefore the money is ready 
— let the three men come, and it shall be paid ; 
(which as one of them had run away was impossible.) 
This motion altered the whole course of proceeding 
and first brought Mr. Noy into notice. 
S 2 



394 JOE MILLER. 

1*07. — Sin Gilbert Heathcotb was very inti- 
mate with Sir Robert Walpole, and one evei 
being at the minister's house, he was ask»-d, as usual, 
what he chose for supper, to which he answered, 
' beef- steaks and oyster sauce.* After spending an 
agreeable hour or two in conversation over a bottle, 
Sir Gilbert rose to take his leave, but seeing the hall 
lined with servants, he turned round to Sir Robert, 
and asked him which of them he was to pay for his 
beef-steak? Sir Robert took the hint, and ordered 
the servants instantly to withdraw. 

1208. — The Vicar of Bray, in Berkshire, being a 
Papist under the reign of Henry VIII., and a Pro- 
testant under Edward VI., a Papist again under 
Queen Mary, and a Protestant in the reign of Queen 
Elizabeth, was reproached as the scandal of his 
gown, by turning so often from one religion to an- 
other. ' 1 cannot help that,' said the vicar, 4 for if I 
changed my religion, 1 am sure I kept true to my 
principle, which is — To live and die Vicar of Bray.' 

1209. — Soon after Dr. Porteus, the late Bishop of 
London, was advanced to the metropolitan see, he 
went to court, where his majesty addressed him in 
French, which the prelate not understanding, the 
king then spoke to him in Italian, with which lan- 
guage he was likewise unacquainted. * What, my 
lord!' said the king, 'don't you understand the 
polite languages V — ' Oh, my liege,' replied the bi- 
shop, ' the acquisition is not necessary, as the devil 
is as much mortified by a reproof in plain English, 
as any other dialect ' 

1210. — Loan Nelson, shortly after the loss of his 
arm, went to St. James's, accompanied by Captain 
Berry, when the King, with his usual suavity, la- 
mented the gallant admiral's wound, observing, he 
was sorry to see he had lost his right arm. But 
not my right hand,' replied Nelson, presenting Cap- 
tain Berry to his majesty. 



JOE MIL1 KR. 390 

1611. — Lord Nelson, when about eight years 
old, and on a visit with his grandmother at Hilbo- 
rough, was invited by another boy to go bird's nest- 
ing. As he did not return at the usual dinner hour, 
the old lady became alarmed, and despatched mes- 
sengers different ways to search after him. The 
young ramblers at length were discovered under a 
hedge, counting the spoils of the day, and the young 
Horatio was brought home. His relation began to 
scold him for being absent without her leave, and 
concluded with saying, • I wondery>«r did not drive 
you home.' Horatio innocently replied, ' Madam, 
I never saw fear.' 

l£l£. — Mr. Henry Erskinf, celebrated for his 
elegant repartee, being in company with the beauti- 
ful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, 4 Are we never 
again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace's society in 
Edinburgh ?' — * Oh !' said she, ' Edinburgh is a vile 
dull place, I hate it.' — ' Madam,' replied the gallant 
barrister, ' the sun might as well say, this is a vile 
dark morning, I won't rise to-day/ 

1213. — Sergeant Maynard, an eminent coun- 
sellor, waiting with the body of the law upon the 
Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his 
arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great 
age, the sergeant then being near ninety. ■ Sir,' said 
he, ' you have outlived all the men of the law of 
your younger years.' — ■ I should have outlived even 
the law itself,' replied the sergeant, ■ if your high- 
ness had not arrived.' 

Ifl4. — Two legal characters of great respectabi- 
lity, who were more remarkable for professional learn- 
ing and judgment than knowledge of the habits and 
manners of fashionable life, were present at the fes- 
tival given by the Prince Regent, (in honour of his 
royal father's birth- day — King George III.) at Carl- 
ton House, but their wigs, and the whole of their 
attire, gave them so grotesque an aspect, that the 



396 JOE MIL1.EK. 

Prince asked Mr. Jekyll (his solicitor-general) if he 
had noticed his brethren ? ■ Yes,' said the wag ; * but 
I cannot help thinking that they have mistaken the 
nature of your royal highness's entertainment, and 
supposed that it was to be a masquerade.' One of 
the legal sages, who heard this observation, imme- 
diately said, ' I perceive that your royal highness's 
court is in the old style, with a jester.* 

1215. — During the time of Cromwell, by unjust 
dealing and monopoly, a great scarcity having taken 
place in a plentiful year ; Oliver, knowing there was 
a great quantity of grain in the country, took the 
following method to find out and punish the rogues 
in grain. He, in consequence, offered a premium of 
one thousand pounds to him who should bring the 
greatest quantity of grain to market on a certain day ; 
upon which immense quantities were produced ; but 
one man above all the rest produced far the greater 
quantity. Cromwell immediately ordered him to be 
paid the reward; and, producing a rope, told him he 
would give him an halter into the bargain, and or- 
dered the monopolizer to be hanged. 

1216. — A certain member of parliament having 
heard many speeches in the house, to the great ap- 
plause of the speaker, grew ambitious of rival glory 
by his oratory ; and accordingly watched for a fa- 
vourable opportunity to open. At length an occa- 
sion presented itself : it was on a motion being made 
*i the house for enforcing the execution of some sta- 
bte ; on which public-spirited motion, the orator in 
embryo rose solemnly up, and, after giving three loud 
aems, spoke as follows: — 'Mr. Speaker — have we 
aws, or have we not laws 1 If we have laws, and 
ttey are not observed, to what end were those laws 
made V So saying, he sat himself down, his chest 
heaving high with conscious consequence ; when 
another rose up, and delivered his thoughts in these 
*ords : — ■ Mr. Speaker -did the honourable gentle- 



JOE MILLER. 3 7 

man who spoke last, speak to the purpose, or not speak 
to the purpose ? If he did not speak to the purpose, 
to what purpose did he speak?' Which apropos 
reply set the whole house in such a fit of laughter, as 
discouraged the young orator from ever attempting . 
to speak again. 

1917. — Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one 
addressed the other with ' Och, Thady, my jewel, 
is it you? are you just come from England ? Pray, 
did you see any thing of our old friend, Pat Murphy V . 
— ' The devil a sight,' replied he, * and what's worse 
I'm afraid I never shall.' — \ How so ?'— ' Why, he 
met with a very unfortunate accident lately.' — 
'Amazing! What was it?' — 'O, indeed, nothing 
more than this ; as he was standing on a plank, 
talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London 
which I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank 
suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck 
broke.' 

1218. — King John being shewn a stately monu- 
ment erected over the grave of a nobleman who had 
rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it, 
answered, ' No, no, I wish all my enemies were as 
honourably buried.' 

1219. — One day James the Second, in the middle 
of his courtiers, made use of this assertion : ■ I never 
knew a modest man make his way at court.' To 
this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly 
replied : 'And please your majesty, whose fault is 
that ?' The king was struck, and remained silent. 

1220. — Burke had once risen in the House of 
Commons, with some papers in his hand, on the sub- 
ject of which he intended to make a motion ; when 
a rough-hewn member readily started up, and said — 
1 Mr. Speaker, I hope the honourable gentleman does 
not mean to read that large bundle of papers, and to 
bore us with a long speech into the bargain.' Mr. 
Burke was so swollen, or rather so nearly suffocated 



MR roi miii i.r. 

with rage as to be incapable of utterance, and abso- 
lutely ran out of the House. George Selwyn re- 
marked it was the only time he had ever seen the 
fable realized — • A Lion put to flight by the braying 
of an A 

:. — Lord Galloway was an enemy to the 
Bute administration. At the change of the mini! 
he came to London for the first time in the late Kii 
reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly 
style. When he appeared at the levee, the eyes of 
the company were turned on him ; and George Sel- 
wyn, being asked who he was, replied: ' A Scotch 
undertaker, come to bury the last administration.' 

I. — In one of those social parties, which some- 
times take place even among the great at the west- 
end of the town, where mirth and innocent amuse- 
ment occupy the place of ceremony, a young lady, 
who had been a pupil of Dr. Spurzheim, was instruct- 
ing the company with her observations on their heads. 
At length it came to the turn of the great Captain of 
the Age to have his head examined ; which done, the 
lady's opinion was demanded. She hesitated, blushed, 
but said nothing. — • Come,' said his Grace, ' don't be 
afraid, my young friend, to declare what you think.' 
— ' Why then,' said the lady, * since I must speak, 
your Grace is deficient in that organ, which I, in com- 
mon with all the world, know you possess in the high- 
estdegree— Gall's doctrines must fall atonce.' — * No, 
Madam,' said the Duke, * you mean courage, and I 
assure you, your doctrine receives confirmation, not 
refutation, from the head you have examined. I have 
no courage, and never had in a physical sense, and 
that, which I trust I do possess, is altogether the ef- 
fect of reason and reflection.' 

1223. — The Rev. Dr. P., visiting a country-cler- 
gyman, requested permission to preach to his con- 
gregation, which his friend consented to, on condition 
• he adapted the language of his sermon to the 



JOE MILLER. 399 

illiterate capacities of his parishioners, and that he 
used no hard words. After the sermon was over, 
Dr. P. a-ked his friend whether he had not strictly 
observed the conditions ? The other replied that he 
had used several words beyond the comprehension 
of his hearers, and instanced the word felicity, for 
which he would have substituted happiness. Dr. P. 
contended that one word was as plain as the other ; 
and, to prove it, proposed calling in the ploughman, 
and putting it to him, which was done. ' Well, Robin, 
do you know the meaning of the vror& felicity?' — 
* Ees, Sir,' said Robin, scratching his head and en- 
deavouring to look wise, ' ees, I thinks as how I does.' 
— ' Well, Robin, speak up.' — ■ Wy, Sir, I doesn't 
disactly, but I thinks it's some'at inside of a pig.' 

1224, — Genvral Laporie, in conversation with 
Count Lehrbach and Field-marshal Lasnes, at the 
French advanced posts, while the convention of Ho- 
henlinden was preparing, made some allusions to the 
want of dignity which a great nation exhibits in mak- 
ing war in the pay of a foreign power. — ' How !' ob- 
served the Austrian, * the emperor is in no one's pay/ 
— ' But you received subsidies from England.' — * No,' 
said Count Lehrbach, with vehemence, 'it is a loan.' 
— ' Yes,' replied Laborie sarcastically, ' and you 
pay the interest with legs and arms.* 

1225. — Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his man * 
ner of drawing characters. He once sent his servant 
to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in a 
hurry, with a message of great importance ; but the 
servant returned, and told his master that the gentle- 
man was in so great a hurry he could not speak to 
him. ' It is no more than what I expected,' says 
Tom, ■ for he loses an hour in the morning, and runs 
after it all day.' 

1226. — A commercial traveller one day, at a 
country inn, was boasting somewhat extravagantly 
of the very extensive nature of the transactions in 



400 JOE MILLER. 

which he had the honour to be concerned. Amongst 
other proofs of the truth of his representations, h N e 
stated to his fellow-travellers, that ' his house paid 
upwards of 300/. per annum for the article of writ- 
ing-ink only, to be used in their counting-house, and 
other offices !' — ■ Oh !' replies a traveller in a differ- 
ent line of business, ■ that's a mere flea-bite to the 
business done by our house ; do you know,' he con- 
tinued, ' that during the last twelvemonths we have 
saved, in that article alone, no less a sum than 2,000/. 
by merely omitting the dots to our is, and the crosses 
to our t's V : 

1227 '. — A shoemaker once disappointed Dean 
Swift, by not bringing a pair of shoes at the promised 
time, and excused himself by saying he had forgotten 
io do so. The Dean appeared satisfied, asked him 
into his garden, and after a few turns left him on some 
pretence, locked the garden door, and put the key in 
nis pocket. The shoemaker soon began to grow very 
cold and impatient. No attention, however, was paid 
him until night-fall, when he began to roar most lus- 
tily. The Dean, armed with a blunderbuss, and ac- 
companied by all his servants, rushed out to the 
garden, and inquired, ' Who's there?' in a voice of 
thunder. The shoemaker replied it was he. * Good 
God ! Mr. — ,' said the Dean, ' how long have you 
been here?' — 'Six hours,' rejoined the shoemaker. — 
* My dear Sir,' said the Dean, ' I beg your pardon, 
but I quite forgot you — as you forgot the shoes.' 

1228. — Thf. Abbe Maury, who had rendered himself 
obnoxious to the democrats, during the French Revo- 
lution, was one night seized by the mob, who looked 
round for a lamp-post to suspend him on : ' Pray, 
my good friends,' said the Abb6, ' were you to hang 
me to that lamp, do you think that you would see 
the clearer for it V This well-timed wit softened the 
rabble more effectually than the dialectics of Ramus, 
and saved his life. 



JOE MILLER. 401 

1229. — The sallies of heroes are admired only 
when they are attended with success, — ■ Thou bear- 
est Caesar and his fortune' — but if Caesar had been 
drowned? 'So would I, if I were Parmenio' — but 
if Alexander had been beaten ? ' Take these rags and 
bring them to me in St. James's palace' — but Charles 
Edward was defeated. 

1230, — A wit asked a countryman at what time 
he most enjoyed himself? * In winter/ replied he, 
' when I sleep in the chimney-corner after supper.' 
' Then you are of swinish descent,' said the wit, ' for 
they sleep after meals.' — ' Pray,' said the fellow, 
1 what time do you wags enjoy most V — ' May,' re- 
plied the other. * Very well,' cried the fellow, 'your 
kin is clear enough, for my ass likes that part of the 
year best.' 

1231. — The discontent of the French troops in 
Egypt happily vented itself in sarcastic jokes : this 
is the humour which always bears a Frenchman 
through difficulties. They had a great spite at Ge- 
neral Caffarelli, whom they believed to have been 
one of the promoters of the expedition. Caffarelli 
had a wooden leg, having lost one of his limbs on the 
banks of the Rhine ; and whenever the soldiers 
saw him hobbling past, they would say, loud enough 
for him to hear — ■ That fellow does not care what 
happens ; he is certain at all events to have one leg 
in France ' 

ltS2. — The ambassadors sent from Florence to 
France, passing through Milan, paid a visit of cere- 
mony to the Duke Barnabo, who asking them who 
they were, they answered, ' Citizens and ambassadors 
of Florence, if it please your highness.' Being gra- 
ciously received, they proceeded on their journey ; 
and when they came to Vercelli it was started that the 
expression used to the duke was improper, for they 
were certainly citizens and ambassadors of Florence, 
whether it pleased his highness or not. After much 



JOE MILLER. 

beration, they agreed to return to Milan, and re- 
tract that expression, as derogatory to their embassy. 

ing to the duke's presence, the elder spoke thus : 
4 Prince, when we came to Vercelli, we recollected 
to have said, M That we were citizens and ambassadors 
of Florence, if it please your highness ," which was a 
wrong expression ; for we are citizens and ambas- 
sadors of Florence, whether it please yi>ur highness or 
not.' — Barnabo, laughing, answered, 4 Now I know 
you to be what I supposed, grave men, and wise.' 

I — Charles V. going to see the new cloister 
of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant who 
'was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries were so 
disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expres- 
sions of impatience, he said to the peasant, 'My friend, 
do you not know how to silence a sucking pig V The 
poor man said, modestly, that he really did not, and 
should be happy to learn. ' lake it by the tail,' said 
the emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon 
trial, turned to-the emperor, and said, ' Faith, friend, 
you nmst longer at the trade than me, for 

you understand it better.' An answer which furnished 
repeated laughter to Charles and his court. 

— A cirate of great learning and merit, but 
without any prospect of preferment, found an op- 
portunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who 
with his discourse and manner 
of delivery, that after service he sent his compli- 
ments to him, desiring to know his name, and where 
' Bij duty to his lordship,' replied 
the < 'and tell him my name 1 

that re none; but my starving is in Wales.' 

i answer did not displease the good bishop, 

some time alter presented him to a valuable 
benefice. 

pi said to one who was silent 
in company, 4 If you are a fool, you do wisely ; if you 
are wi»e, you do foolishly.' 



JOE MILLER. 403 

1236. — Gardinal d'Este having been instrumen- 
tal in raising Sixtus V. to the papacy, and not find- 
ing himself consulted in matters of government, re- 
proached him one day, saying, ■ But for me you had 
not been pope.' Sixtus answered, ' If you made me 
pope, let me be pope. I shall never be so while I 
am governed by another.' 

1237. — Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady 
for her beauty, she answered, that beauty was in- 
compatible with her age. To which Salezzo replied, 
' We say as beautiful as an angel, and yet the angels 
are, of all creatures, the most ancient.' 

1238. — Whin Xerxes wrote to Leonidas to sur- 
render his arms, he only replied, ' Come and take 
them.' 

1239. — Mrs. Barbauld being on a visit to the 
university of Oxford, in company with a veiy stupid 
young nobleman, who acted as Cicerone at one of the 
colleges, it was observed by a person who knew both 
the parties, how unfortunate she was in her conductor. 
' Not at all,' said a gentleman present, ' Minerva, you 
know, was always attended by an oul.' 

1240. — Old Astley, one evening, when his band 
was playing an overture, went up to the horn players, 
and asked why they were not playing. They said 
they had twenty bars rest. ■ Rest !' says he, ' I'll 
have nobody rest in my company ; I pay you for play- 
ing not for resting.' 

1241. — Mr. Moore having been long under a pro- 
secution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on 
him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of 
the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read 
him four acts of the piece, being all he had written, 
by which the man of law was so much affected, that 
he exclaimed, 4 Good God ! can you add to this 
couple's distress in the last act V — ' Oh ! very easily,' 
said the post, ' I intend to put them in the Spiritual 
Court/ 



404 JOE MILLER. 

1242. — Macklin, the player, once going to one of 
Ae fire-offices to insure some property, was asked by 
the clerk how he would please to nave his name 
entered. ■ Entered,' replied the veteran, ' why, I 
am only plain Charles Macklin, a vagabond by act of 
parliament ; but, in compliment to the times, y ou may 
set me down Charles Macklin, Esq. as they are now 
synonymous terms.* 

1243. — An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but 
was very brave, when another had, in a long and 
brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up, and 
said, ' Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.' 

1244.— When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) 
ascended the papal chair, the ambassadors of the dif- 
ferent states waited on him with congratulations : 
when they were introduced, they bowed, and he re- 
turned the compliment by bowing likewise ; the mas- 
ter of the ceremonies told his holiness he should not 
have returned their salute ; ■ O, I beg your pardon/ 
said the good pontiff, ' I have not been pope long 
enough to forget good manners.' 

1245. — When Lord Howe was captain of the 
Magnanime, a negro sailor on board was ordered to 
be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the 
ship's company assembled to see the punishment in- 
flicted, Captain Howe made a long address to the 
culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, 
tired of the harangue, and having his back exposed 
to the cold, exclaimed, * Massa, if you floggee, flog- 
gee ; or if you preachee, preachee ; but no preachee 
and floggee too ! 

1216. — Nld Shuter was often very poor, and 
being still more negligent than poor, was careless 
about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day 
in the street, said to him, 1 Why, Ned, are you not 
ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in 
your stockings 1 why don't you get them mended V— 
- No, my friend,' said Ned, ' I am above it j and if 



JOE MILLER. 405 

you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like 
me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one 
darn.' — ' How, how,' replied the other, ' howdoyoa 
make that out V — ' Why,' replied Ned, ■ a hole is 
the accident of the day ; but a darn is premeditated 
poverty.' 

1247. — About the year 1715, when Dr. Halley's 
scheme of the great solar eclipse, which foretold the 
precise time of its beginning and ending, was cried 
about the streets of London, there happened to be a 
Turkish envoy here, who at first thought the people 
distracted, for pretending to know so very exactly 
when the Almighty would totally overshadow the 
sun, a circumstance of which the Mussulmans were 
ignorant. He concluded that God would never re- 
veal so great a secret to infidels, and keep it concealed 
from the true believers. However, when the eclipse 
came actually to pass, as had been predicted, Lord 
Forfar asked his excellency what he now thought of 
the English mathematicians 1 His answer was, ' They 
must certainly have obtained their intelligence from 
the devil ; for he was sure that God would never cor- 
respond with such a wretched set of unbelievers as 
the English astronomers.' 

1248. — Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, 
near Tours, went one evening into the kitchen, 
where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad had 
something in his countenance which prepossessed the 
king in his favour, and he demanded who he was. 
The boy, not knowing the king, replied, with honest 
simplicity, that ' his name was Stephen — that he 
came from Bern — and that he gained as much as 
the king/ — ' How much gains the king V demanded 
Louis, with some degree of astonishment. ' His ex- 
penses,' answered the boy, ■ and I gain mine.' This 
answer so much pleased the monarch, that he took 
the lad under his protection, and appointed him his 
valet-de-chambre. 



406 JOE MIILF.R. 

1249. — The late Marquis of Granbv ha^ ing re- 
turned from the army in Germany, travelled with all 
possible expedition from the English port at which 
he landed to London, and finding on his arrival that 
the king was at Windsor, he proceeded there in his 
travelling-dress ; where desiring to be instantly in- 
troduced to his majesty, there came a certain lord, 
neat and trim dressed, gay, and perfumed like a mil- 
liner, who, in the style of a waiting gentlewoman, 
said, he hoped to God the noble marquis did not 
mean to go into the presence of his majesty in so im- 
proper a habit, adding, ' 'Pon my honour, my lord, 
you look more like a groom than a gentleman.' — 
' Perhaps 1 may,' replied the marquis, ' and I give 
you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king 
this instant, I will act like a groom, and curry you 
in a way you won't like.' 

1250. — Dr. Franklin's peculiar talent was that 
of illustrating subjects by apposite anecdotes. When 
he was agent here for the province of Pennsylvania, 
he was frequently applied to by the ministry for his 
opinion respecting the operation of the stamp act ; 
but his answer was uniformly the same, * that the 
people of America would never submit to it.' After 
the news of the destruction of the stamped papers 
had arrived in England, the ministry again sent for 
the doctor to consult with ; and in conclusion offered 
this proposal, ' That if the Americans would engage 
to pay for the damage done in the destruction of the 
sped paper, &c. the parliament would then repeal 
the act.' The doctor, having paused upon this ques- 
tion for some time, at last answered it as follows : — 
'I'd is puts me in mind of a Frenchman, who, having 
halted a poker red hot, ran furiously into the street, 
and addressing the first Englishman he met there, 
* Hah ! Monsieur voulez-vous give me de plaisir, de 
faction, to let me run this poker only one foot 
into your body?' — ' My body !' replied ihe English- 



JOE MILLER. 407 

man : * what do you mean V — ■ Vel den, only so far,' 
marking about six inches. ■ Are you mad V returned 
the other ; ' I tell you, if you don't go about your 
business, I'll knock you down.' — ' Vel den,' said the 
Frenchman, softening his voice and manner : * vil 
you, my good sire, only be so obliging as to pay me 
for the trouble and expense of heating this poker ? J 

1251. — At the battle of Dettingen, George II., 
who commanded in person, rode on a very unruly 
horse, which at one period ran away with him to a 
very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, 
afterwards general, seized the bridle, when the king 
dismounted, exclaiming, ' Now that I am on my legs, 
1 am sure that I shall not run away.' At the same 
battle, the Gens d'armes, the flower of the French 
army, made a desperate charge on the British line 
opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat 
they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and pushed 
into the river. Some years after, at a review of the 
above regiment, his majesty, after applauding their 
appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and 
a*ked him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his 
exulting manner, that they were the best troops in the 
world. The ambassador replied, ' Has your majesty 
ever seen the Gens d'armes V — ' No,' rejoined the 
king, ' but my Greys have.' 

1232. — A cai se w^as once tried in one of the 
western counties which originated in a dispute about 
a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge 
observed, ' that it was the first time he had ever known 
a suit made out of a pair of breeches.' 

1253. — The late earl of Rochester, whose brilliant 
wit and talents rendered him so distinguished in the 
court of Charles II. and who, during a temporary 
disgrace with his sovereign, made himself a mighty 
favourite with the lower orders, by his exhibitions, 
under the mask of an Italian mountebank, on Tower- 
fc.il, felt so much diffidence in the House of Lords, 



408 JOE MILLER. 

that he was never able to address them It is said, 
that having frequently attended, he once essayed to 
make a speech, but was so embarrassed that he was 
unable to proceed. ' My lords,' said he, ' 1 rise this 
time — my lords, I divide my discourse into four 
branches.' Here he faultered for some time ; at 
length he was able to add, ' My lords, if ever I rise 
again in this nouse, I give you leave to cut me oh\' 
root and branch, for ever.' He then sat down, to the 
astonishment of all present, 

1254. — When the archbishop of York sent Ben 
Jonson an excellent dish of fish from his table, but 
without drink, he said — 

' In a dish came fish 
From the archbis- 
Hop was not there, 
Because there was no beer.' 

1255. — In a debate, one evening, on the justice 
and expediency of making some alteration in the ec- 
clesiastical constitution of this country, for the relief 
of tender consciences, Doctor Gordon, fellow of 
Emanuel College, and afterwards precentor of Lin- 
coln, an avowed Tory in religious politics, when 
vehemently opposing the arguments of Mr. Jebb, a 
strenuous supporter of all such improvements, ex- 
claimed, with his usual heat ; — ' You mean, Sir, to 
impose upon us a new church government.' — * You 
are mistaken, Sir,' said Paley, who was present, — 
4 Jebb only wants to ride his own horse, not to force 
you to get up behind him.' 

1256.— It is said that Sir Isaac Newton did once 
in his life go a wooing, and, as was to be expected, 
had the greatest indulgence paid to his little pecu- 
liarities, which ever accompany a great genius. 
Knowing that he was fond of smoking, the lady as- 
siduously provided him with a pipe, and they were 
seated as if to open the business of Cupid. Sir Isaac 



JOE MILLLR. 409 

smoked a few whiffs — seemed at a loss for something 
— whiffed again — and at last drew his chair near to 
the lady : a pause of some minutes ensued ; he 
seemed a little uneasy ; ' Oh the timidity of some V 
thought the lady — when, lo ! Sir Isaac had got hold 
of her hand. The lady cast her eyes down towards 
the floor, and the palpitations began : he will kiss it, 
thought she, no doubt, and then the matter will be 
settled. Sir Isaac whiffed with redoubled fury, and 
drew the captive hand near his head ; already the 
expected salute vibrated from the hand to the heart 
— when, pity the damsel, gentle reader! Sir Isaac 
only raised the fair hand, to make the tore-finger what 
he much wanted — a tobacco-stopper ! 

1257. — Doctor Fuli.i r having requested one of 
his companions, who was a bon-vivcuU, to make an 
epitaph for him, received the following, with the con- 
ceit of which he always expressed himself much 
pleased, — 

( Here lies Fuller's earth V 

1258. — Porson's company, as may well be sup- 
posed, was courted by all ranks, from the combina- 
tion-room to the cider-cellar, for he mixed with all, 
and was to be found in both ; and it was who should 
assist at his evening lectures, and who should 
carry away most from the oracle. But sometimes it 
would happen, as it does to most men, that he was 
bedevilled, and pulling a book out of his pocket, read 
only to himself ; at other times he was violent, and, 
catching the poker out of the fire, brandished it over 
his head, to the terror of the company. Of this trick, 
however, he was cured, once for all, by a spark of 
fighting notoriety, who, on seeing Porson seize the 
poker, and not being used to a furious Greek, but in 
the play, snatched up the tongs, observing two could 
Dlay at that game. Upon this, the professor, with a 
weer of his own said, ' I believe, if I should crack 
four skull, I should find it very empty.' — ' And if I 
T 



410 JUL. Mill 111. 

should break your head,' replied the Irishman, ' I 
should find it full of maggots.' This retort pleased 
Porson so much, that he returned the poker to the 
fire, and repeated a whole chapter of Roderick 
Random, analogous to the affair. 

It 59. — Latimir, the pious and learned martyr, 
and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ 
College, Cambridge, and was one of the first re- 
formers of the church of England, at a controversial 
conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and 
out-argued by those who were more studied in the 
fathers, said, * I cannot talk for my religion, but I 
am ready to die for it.' 

1260. — Professor Saundersox, who occupied so 
distinguished a situation in the University of Cam- 
bridge, as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, 
was quite blind. Happening on a time to make one 
in a large party, he remarked of a lady who had just 
left the room, but whom he had never before met, nor 
heard of, that she had very white teeth. The company 
were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, 
which was very true. 'I have reason,' observed the 
professor, ■ to believe that the lady is not a fool, and 
I can think of no other motive for her laughing in- 
cessantly, as she did for a whole hour together.' 

1S61. — The following, amongst other reasons, is 
given as the origin of the students of St. John's 
College being denominated hogs. A waggish genius 
espying a coffee house waiter carrying a dish to a 
Johnian, who was seated in another box in the same 
coffee-house, asked, ■ if it were a dish of grains !' The 
Johnian immediately replied, — 

' Says , the Johns eat grains -, suppose it true, 

'] Ik v pay for what they eat ; does he so too?' 

1262. — Porson was no less distinguished for h» 
wit and humour, during Ins residence in Cambridge, 
than for his profound learning ; and he would fie- 



JcE MILLER. 411 

quently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, 
in the shape of notes, to his companions. He one 
day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, who 
is now a D. D. and master of his College, requesting 
him to find the value of nothing? Next day he met 
his friend walking, and, stopping him, he desired to 
know, * Whether he had succeeded?' His friend an- 
swered — 'Yes!' — 'And what may it be?' asked 
Porson. ' Siipence V replied the Cantab, ' which I 
gave the man for bringing the note.' 

1263. — Dr. Glynn, being one day in attendance 
on a lady in the quality of her physician, took the 
liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of her 
eating cucumber, of which she was immoderately 
fond ; and gave her the following humorous receipt 
for dressing them : — ' Peel the cucumber/ said the 
doctor, ' with great care ; then cut it into very thin 
slices, pepper and salt it well, and then — throw it 
away !' 

1264. — A Johnian, now deceased, one day met a 
Trinity man, walking under the piazza of Neville's 
Court, of whom he had some knowledge. Going 
suddenly up to the Trinitarian, he addressed him with, 
— • Sir, you area thief !' The Trinitarian, all astonish- 
ment at the tone in which the accusation was made, 
demanded an explanation. ■ Sir,' answered the 
Johnian, smiling, ' you steal from the sun.' 

1265 — A son of Grantor, whose delight was rather 
in the sports of the field than in strutting about the 
streets of the University a la Cantab, had been out 
very early one morning at a fox-chase : from which 
returning at a late hour, his appetite became so ex- 
cessively keen, that it was not to be resisted, and 
accordingly he resolved to beg alms at the first farm- 
house he might light on. His sight rendered keener 
by the cravings of his stomach, he soon espied a small 
house at some distance, which having gained, he 
offered his humble petition to mine hostess. The old 



412 JOE MILLER. 

dame courtesied, begged our hero would alight, and 
regretted she had no better cheer to offer him than 
the remnant of a meat pie, the remains of their own 
frugal meal. 'Anything is better than nothing,' 
cried the Cantab, at the same time entreating she 
wouM not delay a moment in placing it before him : 
for he already devoured it in imagination, so keen 
was his hunger. ' Here it is,' said the dame, produc- 
ing it at the same instant from a small cupboard near 
the elbow of our sportsman, who turned round as she 
spoke — ' Here it is, Sir ; it is only made of the odib 
and ends, but may hope your honour would like it, 
though it has mutton and beef and all that in it.' — 

* Charming ! my good woman, it needs no apology ; 
I never tasted a more delicious morsel in my life !' 
continued the Cantab, as he swallowed or rather de- 
voured mouthful after mouthful. ■ But there is fish 
in it, too/ said he, as he greedily sucked what lie 
supposed to be a bone. * Fish,' exclaimed the old 
dame, looking intently on what the sportsman had 
got in his hand : ■ fish, nae, Sir, — why lack a day 
(cried she) ! if that beant our Billy's comb /' 

1266. — A gentleman, who possessed a small 
estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the 
promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant 
attendance for a long while to no purpose ; at last the 
gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended 
friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. 
The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, 
and said he was very much rejoiced at the event : 
' But pray, Sir,' said he, ' where is your place?' — 

* In the Gloucester coach,' replied the other. * I se- 
cured it last night, and so good-bye to you.' 

1267. — Ignatius Sancho, in one of his letters, 
tells his correspondent, that Sam. Foote was dead. 
' A leg, which had been cut off,' says he, ' was bu- 
ried some years since, and now the whole Foote 
follows.' 



JOE MILLER. 413 

1268. — A sailor, who had been fighting and mak- 
ing a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house, then 
before a justice, who, after severely reprimanding 
him, ordered him to find bail. ' I have no bail,' said 
Jack. ' Then I'll commit you/ said the justice. 
' You will !' said the sailor, ■ then the Lord send you 
the rope that stops the wind when the ship's at an- 
chor.' — ■ What do you mean by that V said the jus- 
tice, • I insist on an explanation of that phrase.' — 
* Why,' said Jack, ' it's the hanging rope at the 
yard-arm.' 

1269. — A violent Welsh squire having taken 
offence at a poor curate, who employed his leisure 
hours in mending clocks and watches, applied to the 
bishop of St. Asaph with a formal complaint against 
him, for impiously carrying on trade contrary to the 
statute. His lordship having heard the complaint, 
told the squire, ■ He might depend upon it the strictest 
justice should be done in the case.' Accordingly 
the mechanic divine was sent for, and the bishop 
asked him how he dared to disgrace his diocese by 
following so low a trade as that of a mender of time- 
pieces. The other, with all humility, answered, 
' To satisfy the wants of a wife and ten children !' — 
1 That won't do with me,' rejoined the prelate ; ' I'll 
inflict such a punishment upon you, as shall make 
you leave ofFyour pitiful trade, I promise you ;' and 
immediately calling in his secretary, ordered him to 
make out a presentation to the astonished curate to 
a living of at least 150/. per annum. 

1270. — General Kirk, who had served many 
years at Tangier, after his return to England, was 
pressed by James the Second to become a proselyte 
to the Romish religion, as the most acceptable means 
of recommending himself to favour. As soon as the 
king had done speaking, Kirk expressed great con- 
cern that it was not in his power to comply with his 
majesty's desire, because he was really pre-engaged. 



41 1 joi: mum 

The king ranted, and asked him what lie meant ? 
4 Why, truly/ answered Kirk, 'when 1 was abroad, 
I promised the emperor of Morocco, that if evei I 
changed my religion I would turn Mahometaa ; and 
1 never did break my word in my life, and must beg 
leave to say I never will.' 

lffl. — Dr. Wall at a public dinner was playing 
with a cork upon the table. ' What a dirty hand 
Dr. W. has,' said Mr. E. ' I'll bet you a bottle there 
is a dirtier in company,' said the doctor, who had 
overheard. ' Done,' said he ; upon which he pro- 
duced his other hand, and won the wager. 

1272. — Dr. Ratcmfff. being in a tavern one 
evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, almost 
speechless : 'Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, 
make haste, come with me.' — ' Not till I have finished 
my bottle, however,' replied the doctor. The man, 
who happened to be a fine athletic fellow, finding the 
entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him 
on his back, and carried him out of the tavern : — 
the moment he set the doctor upon his legs, he re- 
ceived from him, in a very emphatic manner, the 
following threat : ' Now, you rascal, I'll cure your 
wife in spite of you.' 

It7$. — A tobacconist having set up his chariot, 
in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed 
on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of 
'Quid rides !' Two sailors who had often used his 
shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one 
asked the meaning of the inscription, when his com 
panion said it was plain enough, repeating them as 
two English words, Quid rides. 

1271 — IIenky IV. of France leaning out of a win- 
dow, with the skirts of his coat gaping behind, a stout 
scullion, perceiving the favourable situation, and 
mistaking his Sacred Majesty for one of the cooks, 
advanced on tiptoe, and with a well extended arm, 
discharged a heavy blow on the royal butto< 



JOE MlLLl ii. 41 

'Zounds!' cried the King, 'what the devil's the 
matter now?' The poor man thinking himself undone, 
fell upon his knees, and excused himself by protest- 
ing he had mistaken his Majesty for Bertrand. — 
* Well,' replied the King, rubbing briskly the ach- 
ing part, ' if it had been Bertrand, where was the ne- 
cessity of striking so cursed hard?' and gave him a 
Louis d'Or. 

1275. — A great crowd being gathered about a 
poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a gen- 
tleman asked a bystander, who happened to be the 
well known G. A Stevens, the facetious author of 
the Lecture on Heads, what was to be seen 1 The wit, 
with more humour than the circumstance allowed, 
replied ' Oh ! only a cobbler's end.' 

1276. — Fletcher, of Saltown, is well known to 
have possessed a most irritable temper. His footman 
desiring to be dismissed, ' Why do you leave me V 
said he. ' Because, to speak the truth, I cannot 
bear your temper.' — ' To be sure, I am passionate, 
but my passion is no sooner on than it is of}*.' — ■ Yes,' 
replied the servant, ' but then it is no sooner off than 
it is on.' 

1277. — King James I. mounting a horse that was 
unruly, cried, ' The de'el tak my saul, sirrah, an ye 
be na quiet, I'll send ye to the Five Hundred Kings 
in the House o' Commons. They'll sune tame ye. 

1 l j78. — ' You are a Jew,' said one man to another ; 
4 when I bought this pig of you it was to be a guinea, 
and now you demand five and-twenty shillings, which 
is more than you asked.' — ■ For that very reason/ 
replied the other, ' 1 am no Jew, for a Jew always 
takes less than he asks.' 

1279. — Dr. Moncey once going along Oxford 
Market, observed a poor woman in the family 
at a butcher's shop, asking the price of a fine piece 
of beef. The brute answered the woman , * One penny 
a pound,' thinking, no doubt, it was too good for 



416 JOE MILLP.R. 

her. ■ Weigh that piece of beef,' said the doctor. 
1 I en pounds and a half,' said Mr. Butcher. ■ Here, 
good woman,' cried the doctor, ■ hold up your apron 
and take that beef home to your family.' — 'God bless 
your honour !' — ■ Go off, directly — home : no com- 
pliments ! Here, Mr. Butcher/ says the doctor, ' give 
me change out of this shilling for that poor woman's 
beef.' — ' What do you mean, Sir?' replied the but- 
cher. ■ Mean, Sir ! why to pay for the poor woman's 
beef what you asked her, a penny a pound. Come, 
make haste, and give me three halfpence ; I am in 

a hurry.' — ' Why, Sir, ,' said the butcher. 

' No why sirs with me,' says the doctor, ■ give me 
my change instantly or I will break your head.' 
The butcher again began to expostulate, and the 
doctor struck him with all his force with his cane. A 
number of butchers had by this time gathered round 
him. The doctor told the story, and they could not 
refrain from laughing at their brother steel. The 
butcher vowed he would summon the doctor before 
the Court of Conscience. The latter gave the man 
his address, but never got his change, or heard any 
more of his butcher. 

1280.— Louis XIV. was told that Lord Stair was 
the best bred man in Europe. ■ I shall soon put 
that to the test,' said the king, and asking Lord Stair 
to take an airing with him ; as soon as the door of 
the coach was opened he bade him pass and go in, 
— the other bowed and obeyed. The king said, 
' The world was right in the character it gave of 
Lord Stair — another person would have troubled me 
with ceremony.'* 

1281. — Shuter being engaged for a few nights, 
in a principal city, in the north of England, it hap- 
pened that the stage in which he went down, (and 
in which there was only an old gentleman and him- 
self,) was stopped on the other side of Finchley 
Common by a single highwayman. The old gentle- 



JOE MILLER. 417 

man, in order to save his own money, pretended to 
be asleep, but Shuter resolved to be even with him. 
Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his 
pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money 
instantly, or he was a dead man : ' Money,' returned 
he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inex- 
pressibly vacant, ' Lord, Sir, they never trust me 
with any ; for nuncle here, always pays for me, 
turnpikes and all, your honour.' Upon which the 
highwayman gave him a few hearty curses for his 
stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a 
smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed 
him of every shilling he had in his pocket : while 
Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, with great 
satisfaction and merriment pursued his journey. 

l l J82 — An inhabitant of Montgaillard lately de- 
ceased, left the following testament : ' It is my will 
that any one of my relations who shall presume to 
shed tears at my funeral shall be disinherited ; he, 
on the other hand, who laughs the most heartily, 
shall be sole heir. I order that neither the church 
nor my house shall be hung with black cloth ; but 
that on the day of my burial, the house and church 
shall be decorated with flowers and green boughs. 
Instead of the tolling of bells, I will have drums, 
fiddles and fifes. All the musicians of Montgaillard 
and its environs shall attend the funeral. Fifty of 
them shall open the procession with hunting tunes, 
waltzes, and minuets.' This singular will created 
the more surprise, as the deceased had always been 
denominated by his family, the Misanthrope, on ac- 
count of his gloomy and reserved character. 

1283. — It happened one morning while Dr. Busby 
was at his desk hearing a class, that a stone came sud- 
denly through the window, on which he despatched 
two of the larger boys to bring in the culprit, suppos- 
ing him to be one of his own pupils, a party of whom 
n as then in the play-ground. The boys, however, being 
T 2 



*1H JOB MlLi.r.R. 

little disposed 10 betray their comrade, laid hands on 
S meagre Frenchman, who happened to be passing 
by, and brought him in as the offender ; when the 
Doctor, without listening to a word he had to say, 
immediately exclaimed, ' Take him up.' This was 
as promptly obeyed as ordered, and the Frenchman 
received a sound flogging. Thinking it in vain to 
shew his resentment to a master, surrounded by Ids 
scholars, he indignantly retreated ; but at the fust 
coffee-house he came to, sat down to write his enemy 
a challenge, which he sent by a porter. No sooner 
had the Doctor read the letter than he ordered in the 
messenger, on whose appearance the usual exclama- 
tion followed, ' Take him up ;' — and the ceremony of 
flogging was repeated in all its vigour. It was now 
the porter's turn to be wrathful ; — he returned to his 
employer full of oaths and execrations, and protest- 
ing that he should make him full amends for the treat- 
ment he had exposed him to ; but the only redress 
he could get from the Frenchman was a shrug of the 
shoulders, with, ' Ah, sure he be de vipping man ;— 
he vip me — vip you — and vip all de world.' 

1284. — At the top of Sir Thomas More's house, it 
should seem that there was a platform. Sir Thomas 
was one day recreating himself on it, when a mad- 
man broke loose from his confinement, made his way 
to More's house (who was then Lord Chancellor), 
and rushing up stairs, insisted on the Chancellor's 
leaping down! 'Pooh, 1 said Sir Thomas (with his 
usual preservation of temper and presence of mind), 
4 any body can leap down : but to leap up, from the 
ground, that is the main question !' Such a proposal 
was likely to strike the perverse feelings of a maniac ; 
and Sir Thomas was gravely liberated by his compa- 
nion, in order to make the experiment! 

1285. — During his Chancellorship, More and his 
wife sat in different pews at church ; and, on the con- 
clusion of service, and the retirement of the Chan- 



JOH MILLER. 419 

cellov, a man servant used to go and open Lady More's 
pew, and say, ■ My Lord is gone.' On the dismissal 
of More from the seals, his suite was necessarily dis- 
missed also : and the first Sunday after he had re- 
signed them, Sir Thomas himself came and opened 
the pew-door, and gravely bowing to his wife, ex- 
claimed ' Mi/ Lord is gone !' Nothing ever soured the 
temper, or daunted the courage and good spirits of 
that invulnerable man. 

1286. — Triboulet, a court-fool in the time of 
Francis I. said that, if Charles V. were simple enough 
to enter France and trust himself in the power of an 
enemy whom he had used so ill, he would give his 
fools cap to him. — ' And suppose,' said the King, ' I 
give him as free a passage, as if he were traversing 
his own kingdom V — ' Sire,' answered Triboulet, ' in 
that case I shall take back ray cap, and make you a 
present of it/ 

1^137. — A duel, between M de Langerie and M. de 
Montande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a 
very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of battle, 
M. de Langerie stares his adversary in the face, and 
says, ' 1 have just reflected ; I can't fight with you.' 
With this he returns his sword to its scabbard. ■ How, 
Sir, what does this mean V — 'It means that I shall 
not fight.' — ' What ! You insult me, and refuse to 
give me satisfaction V — ' If I have insulted you, I ask 
a thousand pardons, but I have an insurmountable 
reason for not fighting with you.' — ' But, Sir, may one 
know it V — ' It will offend you.' — ' No, Sir.' — ' You 
assure me ?' — ' Yes, I assure you.' — 4 Well, Sir, this 
it is ; if we fight, according to all appearances I shall 
kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow 
in the kingdom ' His adversary could not help laugh- 
ing, and they returned to the city good friends. 

1288. — Jealousy has sometimes converted even 
women into duellists, and that at no very distant pe- 
riod. It is not more than five and forty years ago that 



420 JOE MILLER. 

an actress, who still lives, called out another to the 
wood of Boulogne. The subject was a faithless lover, 
who had been seduced by a second passion from his 
first love. Both parties were exact to the appoint- 
ment, and the deserted fair one drew first, but, at 
the sight of the sword the usurper lost all courage, 
quietly suffered her ears to be boxed, and returned 
to Paris crying. 

128 . — Father Jacson, a Jesuit, was a missionary 
at the isle Ouessant. After having particularly in- 
structed the chief of these islanders, he was made 
priest and rector of the island. lie went every year 
to Brest, in November or December, to make his pur- 
chases, and above all to buy an almanac, his precious 
and only guide to the day of the month on which the 
moveable feasts fell. One year, the weather was so 
bad, that it was impossible for him to embark before 
the end of March, yet still they were enjoying flesh 
days in the island by the example of their rector, 
while all the rest of Christendom was fasting or sup- 
posed to be fasting. At last our pastor goes to Brest, 
where he learns that it is Passion week, and having 
provided himself with every thing, he returns home. 
On the Sunday following he gets up into his pulpit, 
and announces to his flock the involuntary error that 
he has committed ; 'But,' he adds, ' the evil is not 
much, and we'll soon catch the rest of the faithful. 
That all may be in rule, the three flesh days, shall 
be to-day, to-morrow, and Tuesday ; the day follow- 
ing shall be Ash-Wednesday ; the rest of the week 
we'll fast ; and on Sunday we'll sing Hallelujah.' 

1290.— The death of M. Perrier, of the Royal 
Academy of Sciences occasioned a strange mistake. 
The Secretary of the Royal Society of Sciences hap- 
pens to be also named Perrier. At a meeting of the 
latter body, the Chevalier M — entered with a counte- 
nance woe-begone, took his place among his brethren, 
then solemnly stood, drew forth a MS. from his 



JOF. MILLER. 421 

pocket, and with a voice of the deepest sorrow, began 
a funeral oration ■ on his deceased friend.' What 
was his surprise, when ' the deceased friend' stood up 
from the president's chair, which he filled, (the pane- 
gyrist was so blinded with tears, as not to observe 
him sooner,) declined the honour about to be con- 
ferred on him, thanked his friend, in the warmest 
terms, and proposed, amidst roars of laughter, to ad- 
journ the reading of the oration sine die. 

1291. — Lamotte of Orleans, Bishop of Amiens, 
was remarkable for the austerity of his practice, and 
the indulgence of his doctrine. Severe in his prin- 
ciples, he was courteous in his manners, and even 
jocose in his conversation. It is related of him that 
a lady of his diocese having entreated his permission 
to wear a little rouge, only a veru little, he told her 
that he would certainly, at her request, temporise 
a little between vanity and devotion, and therefore 
granted her his free permission to wear rouge on one 
cheek. 

1*9$. — A certain well-known Bacchanalian of- 
ficer, having been severely wounded in an engage- 
ment during the late war in the Peninsula, was 
admonished by the surgeon to relinquish his usual 
habits of indulgence, and confine himself to one 
or at most two glasses of wine daily ; for if he 
allowed himself to exceed that quantity it would to a 
certainty be attended by the most fatal consequences. 
The reply was, ' Very well, doctor, you know best.' 
At length, the wounds healed, and the doctor still 
insisted on a rigorous observance of his former in- 
structions towards a perfect cure. The officer, how- 
ever, replied, that finding his wounds were healed, 
he would not only indulge himself with an extra glass 
of wine, but would request the doctor to partake 
of a few glasses of some that he could recommend. 
The servant was forthwith ordered to bring a couple 
if glasses of wine, one for the doctor, and one for his 



4?? JOE MILLKR, 

ler. He speedily returned, bearing a salvor on 
which rested two glasses, each containing fully a quart 
and a half of wine. ' These/ said the officer, ■ are my 
glasses, doctor ; and on the honour of a soldier, I 
have drank no more than two of them daily, during 
the whole progress of my cure.' 

1293. — A clergyman, on leaving church 
complimented by one of his friends on the discourse 
he had been delivering. ' South himself,' exclaimed 
the delighted auditor, ' never preached a better.' — 
* You are right,' replied the honest divine, — ' it was 
the very best he ever did preach.' 

1294. — A n old divine, cautioning the clergy against 
engaging in virulent controversy, uses the following 
happy simile : — ' If we will be contending, let us con 
tend like the olive and the vine, who shall produce 
best and most fruit ; not like the aspin and the elm, 
which shall make most noise in a wind.* 

129.5. — A late wit, at the time when the revolu- 
tionary names of the months (Thermidor, Flor6al, 
Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to 
extend the innovation to our own language, some- 
what on the following model : — Freezy, Sneezy, 
Breezy, Wheezy ; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, 
Bowery ; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy. 

1296. — A slave of Amrou Leits, the second prince 
of the dynasty of the Saffarides, who reigned over 
Khorasan and Persia, ran away. Being brought back, 
the Grand Vizir, who had some pique against the man, 
earnestly counselled the King to put him to death 
for an example to others. On this the slave pros- 
trated himself before Amrou, and said: * It is not 
for a slave to dispute the judgment of his lord and 
master ; but, as I have been brought up and sup- 
ported in your palace, I owe you some return of gra- 
titude. 1 am therefore desirous that you should not 
have to answer at the day of judgment for the shed- 
ding of innocent blood. If 1 must die, let me die 



JOF MIL! 423 

under some pretext of justice. Just allow me to 
murder the Vizir, and then you can avenge his death 
by mine without any violation of equity. Thus shall 
your soul be saved.' The sultan smiled, and asked 
the Vizir his opinion of the proposal. The latter re- 
plied, that as his Hi^hness's soul was concerned in 
the affair, (to say nothing of his own life, and the 
slave's infallible damnation,) perhaps the safest me- 
thod for all parties would be to let the fellow go 
about his business. 

1297. — A Turkish youth meeting one day an old 
man of a hundred years, who, leaning on his staff, 
formed with his curved person almost the figure of a 
bow, the youth said, 'How much, Shaick, have you 
paid for that bow, I want to buy just such another.' 
— ■ Have patience, my son,' rejoined the old man, ■ if 
you live long enough you will get such a one for 
nothing.' 

1^98. — An Arab of the desert sat at the table of a 
Caliph, and the latter perceived a hair on the piece 
of meat which the other was about to devour. ' Arab,' 
cried the Caliph, ' there is a hair on your meat, you 
had better remove it.' — ' A table,' replied the Arab, 
rising to depart, ■ where the master looks so narrowly 
at the dishes as to espy a single hair, is no place for 
a child of Ismael.' 

U99. — A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to 
pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he 
looked at himself, he flung it away in a rage, crying, 
' Curse you, if you were good for any thing you would 
not have been thrown away by your owner.' 

1300. — Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelms- 
ford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his 
medicines, told the country people, that he came 
there for the good of the public, not for want. Then 
speaking to his merry Andrew : ■ Andrew,' said he, 
1 do we come here for want V — ' No, faith, Sir,' said 
Andrew, ■ we have enough of that at home.' 



424 JOE Mil .LEA, 

1301. — In a conversation which Sir Godfrey Knet- 
ler held with some gentlemen at Oxford, relatiw to 
the identity of the disinherited son of James 11., 
some doubts having been expressed, he exclaimed 
with wrath : ' His father and mother have sat to me 
about thirty-six times a-piece, and I know every line 
and bit of their faces. Mine Gott ! I could paint 
King James now, by memory. I say, the child is 
so like both, that there is not a feature in his face 
but what belongs either to father or mother ; this I 
am sure of, and cannot be mistaken — nay, the nails 
of his fingers are his mother's, the queen that was. 
Doctor ! you may be out in your letters, but I cannot 
be out in my lines.' 

1302. — A certain nobleman having built a chapel, 
had a mind the stair-case leading to it should be or- 
namented with some scripture history — which he at 
last determined should be the Children of Israel 
passing through the Red Sea, and the Egyptians 
pursuing them. A painter was employed on this oc- 
casion, and fell to work immediately ; and after he 
had daubed the wall from top to bottom with red 
paint, he called to his lordship and told him the work 
was done. — ' Done !' quoth the peer,—' What's done? 
where are the Children of Israel V — ■ My lord, they 
are gone over,' replied the painter. ' But zounds ! 
where are the Egyptians then V — 'The Egyptians, 
my lord ? — why they are drowned to be sure.' 

1303. — An Intendant of Montpelier, having lost 
his lady, was solicitous that the chief officers of the 
city should attend her funeral obsequies. This 
honour the magistracy thought proper to refuse ; 
because it was not customary, and might introduce a 
bad precedent. With a view, however, to conciliate 
the favour of a person whom it would not be their 
interest to offend, they politely added — ' If, Sir, it 
had been your own funeral, we should have attended 
it with the greatest pleasure V 



JOE MILLER. 425 

1304. — Notice of coffee, from Sir H. Blunt's 
Travels in 1634. * They, (the Turks) have another 
drink called cauphe, made of a berry as big as a 
small bean, dried in a furnace, and beat to powder, 
of a sooty colour, that they seethe and drink, in taste 
a little bitterish, but as may be endured: — it is 
thought to be the old black broth used so much by 
the Lacedemonians : it drieth ill humours in the sto- 
mach, comforteth the brain,' &c. 

1305. — Some time before the breaking up of the 
British head-quarters at Cambray, an Irish soldier, a 
private in the c J3d regiment of foot, was convicted for 
shooting at, and robbing a French peasant, and was 
in consequence sentenced to be hanged. On arriving 
at the place of execution, he addressed the spectators 
in a stentorian voice, as follows : — 'Bad luck to the 
Duke of Wellington ! he's no Irishman's friend any 
how. I have killed many a score of Frenchmen by his 
orders, and when I just took it in my head to kill one 
upon my own account, by the powers he has tucked 
me up for it!' 

1306. — An ignorant man, boasting of his library 
of French books, said that he had several volumes, 
but he was surprised that all the French productions 
were the works of one Tom. 

1307. — The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing 
to a Captain of the navy, that he heard he read the 
Bible, wished to know what he had learned from it, 
The Captain replied, that there was one part of Scrip- 
ture, at least, which he well remembered, and thought 
it contained an admirable lesson. — ' What is that]' 
cried the duke. ' Not to put my trust in princes ! 
your royal highness.' 

1308. — An Irishman lately arriving in London, 
and passing through Broad Street, observed a glass 
globe, containing some fine large Gold Fish, he ex- 
claimed — ■ And sure, this is the first time in ray life 
that I've seen live red herrings.' 



IOI Mil 

1309*— An Irishman being told that a Friend <*f 

nis had put his money in the stocks. ' Well,' said 
lie, ' I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I have 
had my legs often enough in them.' 

1310. — When Prague was besieged by the Swedes, 
undei Charles X. a very great glutton eat, in the 
presence of the king, a hog alive. General Koni 
mark was also a spectator : this veteran officer told 
the king, the fellow was a sorcerer and that it was 
by enchantment and deception he appeared to eat 
what, in fact, he did not. The operator being nettled 
at the general's incredulity, told the prince, that 4 if 
he would command his officer to take off his boots 
and spurs, he would eat him ;' which so terrified 
General Konigsmark, that he retired with ^reat pre- 
cipitancy, choosing rather to put up with a little con- 
fusion, than be convinced, at so dear a price, of the 
goodness of this fellow's appetite. 

1311. — The following severe epigram upon Burke 
was attributed to the pen of the late Lord Lllenbo- 
rough ; it was enclosed in a cover, and presented to 
Burke as he was about to open one of the principal 
charges against Warren Hastings, in the High Court 
of Parliament : 

Oft have we wonderM that on Irish ground, 
No poisonous reptile has ere yet been found. 
Reveal'd the secret stands of Nature's work, 
She sav'd her venom to create a Burke. 

With an air of blended indignation and contempt 
he tore it in pieces, and scattered it about the hall. 
The stanza, however, was impressed on his memory, 
and subsequently repeated by him to some friends 
with an air of jocularity. 

131^. — ' Mu. Abb a hams,' said Lord Mansfield, 
1 this man is your son, and cannot go in the same 
bail bond.' — ■ He ish not my son, my lord.' — ' Why, 
Abrahams, here are twenty in court will prove it ' — 



JOE MILLER. 427 

' 1 will shwear, my lord, he ish not.' — ' Take care, 
Abrahams, or I will send you to the King's Bench.' 
— ' Now, my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell 
you the truth.' — ' Well, 1 shall be glad to hear the 
truth from a Jew,' replied Lord Mansfield. • My 
lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three 
quarters ; when I came home I findish this lad ; 
now the law obliges me to maintain him ; and con- 
sequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-lau.' — 
* Well, Moses,' rejoined Lord Mansfield, ' this is the 
best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.' 

1313. — The father of the celebrated Sheridan was 
one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, re- 
gretting that they were no longer styled O'Sheridan, 
as they were formerly. 'Indeed, father,' replied 
Sheridan, then a boy, ' we have more right to the O 
than any one else ; for we owe every b 

1314. — A>; Irishman who lodged at the Dolphin 
Inn, Bristol, coming home late one night, when all 
was in bed, and there being no knocker on the door, 
he thumped with his hand for some time, and could 
make nobody hear. At length, on the opposite side 
of the way, he found a house with a knocker, and 
began thumping most unmercifully, when the land- 
lord of the house, putting his head out of the window, 
exclaimed, ' What the devil do you want here at this 
time, disturbing one's rest V — ' Arrah, honey.' cried 
Pat, ■ what the devil did you disturb yourself for ? I 
was only borrowing your knocker.' 

1315. — Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of 
war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking 
on Haslar Hospital, observed, ' How much that 
building puts me in mind of my father's stables.' — 
' Airah, my honey,' cries the other, 'come with me, 
and I will shew you what will put you in mind of 
your father's house.' So saying, he led him to the 
pig-sty — ' There,' said he, ' does not that put you in 
mind of your father's parlour V 



428 JOE MILLER. 

1316. — Frederick I. of Prussia, standing one 
day at a window in his palace, perceived that one 01 
the pages took a pinch of snuff from a box which lay 
on the table. He did not interrupt him, but turning 
round immediately afterwards, he asked, ■ Do you 
like that snuffbox V The page was confounded, and 
made no reply. The king repeated his question, and 
the page said, trembling, that he thought it very 
beautiful. ' In that case,' replied Frederick, ■ take 
it, for it is too small for us both.' 

1317. — It is well known that the celebrated lawyer 
Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe 
cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and re- 
flections upon character, when he thought that the 
truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He 
sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder 
behaviour would have done him more credit, and 
answered his purpose quite as well. Among the 
numerous rebukes which he received for this habit 
of severity, the following is related, from his brother 
barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he 
had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. 
'It would be well,' said Lee, 'if you could bring them 
to Westminster Hall.' 

1318. — The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, 
the proprietor attacked him violently : ' I allow no 
person,' said he, ' to kill game on my manor but my- 
self, and I'll shoot you, if you come here again.' — 
* What,' said the other, ■ 1 suppose you mean to 
make game of me.' 

1319. — Soon after Lord Chesterfield came into the 
privy council, a place of great trust happened to be- 
come vacant, to which his Majesty (George II.) and 
the Duke of Dorset recommended two different per- 
sons. The king espoused the interest of his friend 
with some heat, and told them he would be obeyed ! 
but not being able to carry his point, left the coun- 
cil-chamber in great displeasure. As soon as he 



JOE MILLER. 429 

retired, the matter was warmly debated, but at lengtk 
carried against the king, because if they once gave 
him his way, he would expect it again, and it would 
at length become a precedent. However, in the 
humour the king then was, a question arose con- 
cerning who should carry the grant of the office for 
the royal signature, and the lot fell upon Chester- 
field. His lordship expected to find his sovereign in 
a very unfavourable mood, and he was not disap- 
pointed ; he therefore prudently forebore incensing 
him by an abrupt request, and instead of bluntly 
asking him to sign the instrument, very submissively 
requested to know whose name his majesty would 
have inserted to fill up the blanks. The king answer- 
ed in a passion, ' thedtvil's, if you will.' — 'Very well,' 
replied the earl ; ' but would your majesty have the 
instrument run in the usual style — Our trusty and 
veil-beloved cousin and counsellor? 1 The monarch 
laughed, and signed the paper. 

13 L 20. — A cuLMRY carpenter having neglected to 
make a gibbet (which was ordered by the execu- 
tioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for 
the last he had erected, gave so much offence, that 
the next time the judge came the circuit, he was sent 
for. * Fellow,' said the judge, in a stern tone, ' how 
came you to neglect making the gibbet that was or- 
dered on my account !' — ' I humbly beg your pardon/ 
said the carpenter, ■ had I known it had been for 
your lordship, it would have been done immediately.' 

I3 k 21 . — When the late Lord Paget was ambassador 
at Constantinople, he, with the rest of the gentlemen 
who were in a public capacity at the same court, de- 
termined on one gala day to have each of them a 
dish dressed after the manner of their respective 
countries, and Lord Paget, for the honour of England, 
ordered a piece of roast beef, and a plum pudding. 
The beef was easily cooked, but the court cooks not 
knowing how to make a plum pudding, he gave 



430 ioi WILIER. 

them a receipt. So many eggs, so much milk, so 
much Hour, and a gfcrea quantity of raisins ; to be 
beaten up together, and boiled for three hours.' 
When dinner was served up, first came the French 
ambassador's dish — then that of the Spanish ambas- 
sador — and next, two fellows bearing a tremendous 
pin, and bawling ' Room for the English ambai 
dor's dish.' — 'By Jove,' cried his lordship, ' I forgot 
the bag, and these stupid scoundrels have boiled it 
without one, — and in five gallons of water too.* It 
was a noble mess of plum broth. 

IStt. — At a violent opposition election for 
Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I. a half-pay 
officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with 
some other voters, brought down from London at the 
expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. 
The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted 
at the houses which were opened for the electors in 
Mr. Kynaston's interest, until the last day of the 
polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he 
gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange 
conduct he was reproached by his quondam com- 
panions, and asked what could have induced him to 
act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. 
' An apostate,' answered the old soldier, ' an apos- 
tate ! by no means — I made up my mind about whom 
1 should vote for before I set out upon this cam- 
paign, but I remembered the duke's constant advice 
to us when I served with our army in Flanders, 
u Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads — always 
quarter upon the enemy." ' 

1323. — Swift, while resident on his living of 
F.arocar, was daily shaved by the village barber, who 
at length became a great favourite with him. Razor, 
while lathering him one morning, said he had agreat 
favour to request of his reverence ; that his neigh- 
bours had ndvised him to take the little public house 
at the corner of the churchyard, which lie had done. 



JOE MIl.I.ER. 4ill 

in the hope that, blending the profession of pub' 
lican with his own, he might gain a better mainte- 
nance for his family. ' Indeed,' said the dean, ■ and 
what can I do to promote this happy union V — ' An 
please you/ replied Razor, ' some of my customers 
have heard much about your reverence's poetry, so 
that if you would but condescend to give me a smart 
little touch in that way, to clap under my sign, it 
might be the making of me and mine for ever.' — ■ But 
what do you intend for your sign V says the dean. 
1 The Jolly Barber, if it please your reverence, with 
a razor in one hand, and a/u// pot in the other.' — 
* Well,' rejoined the dean, ' in that case there can 
be no great difficulty in supplying you with a suit- 
able inscription :' so taking up his pen, he instantly 
scratched the following couplet, which was affixed 
to the sign, and remained so for many years : 

■ Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, 
Where nought excels the shaving but the beer.' 

1 324. — The arm of Dr. Barrow, like his argument, 
was powerful, as the following instance of his prowess, 
humanity, and love of reasoning, as related by his 
biographer, will shew. Being on a visit to a friend 
in the country, he rose before daybreak one morning, 
and went into the yard. He had scarcely left the door, 
when a large English mastiff, left loose to guard the 
premises during the night, sprung upon him. Bar- 
row grappled with the dog, threw him on the ground, 
and himself upon him. In this position he remained, 
till one of the servants made his appearance, who in- 
stantly called off the dog, and extricated the doctor 
from his perilous situation. 4 Why didn't you stran- 
gle him, doctor?' asked the man. — 'Because,' an- 
swered Barrow, ' the brute was only doing his duty : 
and I thought within myself, as I kept him under 
me, if we all did the same, how much happier the 
community would be.' 



432 JOE MILLER. 

1325. — In the days of Charles II., candidates for 
holy orders were expected to respond in Latin, to the 
various interrogatories put to them by the bishop or 
his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. 
Isaac Barrow (who was fellow of Trinity College, 
and tutor to the immortal Newton) had taken his 
bachelor's degree, and disengaged himself from col- 
legiate leading-strings, he presented himself before 
the bishop's chaplain, who with the stiff stern visage 
of the times, said to Barrow — 

• Quid est fides V (what is faith ?) 

' Quodnou vides' (what thou dost not see), 

answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The 
chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, — 
continued — ' Quid est spes? (what is hope 1) 

* Magna res' (a great thing), 

replied the young candidate in the same breath. 

1 Quid est churitas V (what is charity ?) 
was the next question. 

« Magna raritas' (a great rarity), 

was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth 
and rhyme with a precision that staggered the reve- 
rend examiner ; who went direct to the bishop and 
told him, that a young Cantab, of philosophic mien 
(the faces of reading men in those days being gene- 
rally in the likeness of inverted isosceles triangles), 
had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three 
several moral questions : and added that he believed 
his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge : 
'Barrow, Barrow!' said the bishop, who well knew 
the literary and moral worth of the young Cantab. 

* if that's the case, ask him no more questions: for 
he is much better qualified,' continued his lordship, 

* to examine us than we him.' Barrow received his 
letters of orders forthwith. 



JOF MILLER. 

1326. — A gentleman of Maudlin College, whose 
name was Nott, happening one evening to be out, 
was returning late from his friend's rooms in rather 
a merry mood, and, withal, not quite able to preserve 
his centre of gravity. In his way he attracted the 
attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and 
college. ■ I am Nott of Maudlin/ was the reply, hic- 
cupping. — * Sir/ said the proctor, in an angry tone, 
* I did not ask of what college you are not, but of 
what college you are.' — ' 1 am Nott of Maudlin/ was 
again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what 
he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying 
him to Maudlin, whither having arrived, he de- 
manded of the porter, ' whether he knew the gen- 
tleman.' — ' Know him, Sir,' said the porter, * yes, it 
is Mr. Nott t of this college.' The proctor now per- 
ceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, 
and, laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a 
good night. 

1327. — Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were both 
freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, 
Cambridge. The classical subject in which they 
were first lectured, was Tully's Offices, and it so 
happened, one morning, that Hoadly received a 
compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his 
construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the prefer- 
ence shewn to his rival (for such they then were), 
and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, 
when they left the lecture-room, ■ Ben, you made 
good use of L'Estrange's translation to-day.' — ' Why, 
no, Tom,' retorted Hoadly, ■ I did not, for I had not 
got one ; and I forgot to borrow your's, which, I am 
told, is the only one in the college.' 

1328. — On a time, a question arose in the Uni- 
versity of Cambridge, between the doctors of law 
and the doctors of medicine, as to which ought to 
take precedence of the other on public occasions. It 
was referred to the Chancellor, who facetiously in- 
U 



434 JOE MILLER. 

quired whether the thief 01 the hangman preceded at 
an execution, and, being told that the thief usually 
took the lead on such occasions ; ' Well, then,' I. 
plied, ' let the doctors in law have the preced 
and the doctors of medicine be next in rank.' This 
humorous observation set the point in dispute at 

loJ9. — Milton, the British Homer, and prince of 
modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was 
blind (a thing some men do with their eyes open), 
married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day 
in Milton's hearing, called her z rose. — 4 I am no 
judge of flowers,' observed Milton, ' but it may be 
so, for I feel the thorns daily.' 

13.S0. — One of the wooden mures carved by Grin. 
Gibbon over a prebend's stail, in the cathedral church 
of Canterbury happening to become loose, Jessy 
White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the 
dean whether he should make it fast — ' for, perhaps,' 
said Jessy, 'it may fall on your reverence's head.' — 
1 Well ! Jessy, suppose it does,' answered the hu- 
morous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don't 
know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it.' 

1331. — Dr. Cratu&n, late Master of St. John's 
College, excited the wrath of a waggish student, by 
indulging him with an imposition, for some irregula- 
rity of conduct. Sky parlour claimed the honour of 
being inhabited by this aspirant to philosophical fame, 
when, watching an opportunity, as the venerable 
master was sunning himself beside the college walls, 
he proceed to discharge the contents of a huge stone 
jar upon his devoted head: unfortunately, the jar 
followed the water, and was near inflicting on the 
learned doctor the fate of .Eschines. Enraged at 
this, Dr. Craven issued a summons, commanding the 
immediate attendance of the inhabitant of that room 
(rem whence the pitcher had fallen. Upon his en- 
trance, the doctor excUimed, ' Young man— young 
man, you had nearly killed your poor old ina t, 



IOE MILI ER. 435 

rouhad nearly killed me ;' when the unabashed cul- 
prit, with the most perfect nonchalance, replied, ' I 
was merely trying some hydrostatical experiments.' 
— ' Hydrostatical experiments !' exclaimed the en- 
raged master, thrown entirely off his guard by the 
cool answer of the Johnian, ■ I'd thank you, young 
man, when next you pursue your hydrostaticat la- 
bours, not to use such a large pitcher.' 

13354. — Porson was one day conversing in Latin 
with a certain learned Theban, from the sister uni- 
versity, when the latter, wishing to convince the pro- 
fessor that he was better acquainted with the writings 
of Cicero than any man living, affirmed that he had 
spent thirteen years ' in perlegendo Cicerone ;' to which 
the Greek professor, with admirable wit, replied, 
1 And Echo answered, eve ' (Oh, ass!) 

1333. — A Cantab., who happened to be under Sir 
Busick Harwood, when professor, was enjoined to 
live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The 
doctor called upon him one day, and found him en- 
joying himself over a bottle of Madeira. — ' Ah, doc- 
tor !' exclaimed the patient, at the same time reach- 
ing out his hand to bid him welcome, ' I am glad 
to see you ; you are just in time to taste the first bot- 
tle of some prime Madeira J' — ' Ah !' replied Sir Bu- 
sick, ' these bottles of Madeira will never do — they 
are the cause of all your sufferings ! — ' Are they 
so I* cried the patient, * then fill your glass, my dear 
doctor ; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we 
get rid of it the better.' 

1334. — Among the best specimens of alliteration, 
may be ranked the well known lines on the celebrated 
Cardinal Wolsey : — 

' Begot by butchers, but by bishops bred, 
How high his honour holds his haughty head \' 

But the following unpublished sally, by the erudite 
Dr. Parr, is not a whit inferior. — In a company con- 



436 JOB MILLER. 

sisting principally of divines, the conversation na- 
turally turned on the merits of the late head of the 
church, who was thus characterized by the learned 
and eccentric doctor, in reply to one of the gentle- 
men : * Sir, he is a poor paltry prelate, proud of petty 
popularity, and perpetually preaching to petticoats/ 
1335.--Cambridge ale, particularly 'Audit,' has 
been long celebrated for its inspiring qualities. A 
certain Trinitarian, who, though no barker, is well 
known among the literati for his classical acumen, on 
receiving a present of Audit, exclaimed : — 

'All hail to the ale! It sheds a halo round my head.' 

1336. — During the time that the erudite Dr. 
Bentley was preparing an edition of Homer, which he 
had undertaken at the desire of Earl Grenville, he was 
accustomed not unfrequently to spend his evenings 
with that distinguished nobleman. These congenials, 
when drinking deep at the classic fountain, would 
sometimes keep it up to a late hour. One morning, after 
one of their mental carousals, the mother of his lord- 
ship reproached him for keeping the country clergy- 
man, as she termed the learned Cantab., till he was 
intoricated. Lord Grenville denied the charge, — on 
which the lady replied, he could not have sung in so 
ridiculous a manner, if he had not been in liquor ; but 
the truth was, that the singing, which appeared so to 
have annoyed the noble lady, was no other tnan the doc- 
tor endeavouring to entertain and instruct Lord Gren- 
ville in the true cantilena or recitative, of the ancients. 

1337. — At the sittings of Guildhall, an action of 
debt was tried, before Lord Mansfield, in which the 
defendant, a merchant of London, with great warmth, 
complained of the plaintiffs conduct, to his lord- 
ship, in having caused him to be arrested, not only 
in the face of the day, but in the Royal Exchange, 
and in the face of the whole assembled credit of the 
metropolis. The chief justice stopped him with 



JOE MILLER. 437 

great composure, saying, — ■ Friend, you forget your- 
self ; you were the defaulter , in refusing to pay a just 
debt : and let me give you a piece of advice worth 
more to you than the debt and costs : be careful not 
to put it in any man's power to arrest you, either in 
public or private, for the future.' 

1338. — Sir Isaac Newton's favourite little dog, 
Diamond, having, in his absence, entered his study, 
he found it, on his return, diverting itself with the 
remains of some valuable MSS., containing the me- 
moranda of many years' laborious research, which it 
had already torn into a thousand pieces ; but so 
great a command had this genius over his temper, 
that, gathering up the remnants, he patted the of- 
fender on the head, saying, — ■ O ! Diamond, Dia- 
mond, you know not what mischief you have done !" 

1339. — 4 The Bishop of London,' says Aubrey, 
' having cut down a noble cloud of trees at Fulham, 
Lord Chancellor Bacon told him, u he was a good 
expounder of dark places." ' 

1340. — Dr. Parr once called a clergyman afoot, 
who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said, 
he would complain of this usage to the bishop. 
1 Do,' said the doctor, ' and my lord bishop will con- 
firm you.' 

1341. — Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of 
candles, said he hoped they would be better than the 
last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear 
them complained of, as they were as good as he could 
make. ' Why,' says Ralph, * they were very well 
till about half burnt down, but after that they would 
not burn any longer.* 

1342. — Piovano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that 
in all his life he never spoke truth. ■ Except,' re- 
plied another, • at this present moment.' 

1343. — Colonel Guise, going over one campaign 
to Flanders, observed a young raw officer who was 
in the same vessel with him, and with his usual hu- 



438 JOE MILLER. 

tnanity told him that he would take care of him and 
conduct him to Antwerp, where they were both going; 
which he accordingly did, and then took leave of him. 
The young fellow was soon told by some arch rogues, 
whom he happened to fall in with, that he must 
signalize himself by fighting some man of known 
courage, or he would soon be despised in the regi- 
ment. The young man said, he knew no one but 
Colonel Guise, and he had received great obligations 
from him. It was all one for that, they said, in these 
cases ; the colonel was the fittest man in the world, 
as every body knew his bravery. Soon afterwards, 
up comes the young officer to Colonel Guise, as he 
was walking up and down the coffee-room, and began 
in a hesitating manner to tell him how much obliged 
he had been to him, and how sensible he was of his 
obligations. ' Sir,' replied Col. Guise, ' I have done 
my duty by you and no more.' — 'But, Colonel/ 
added the young officer, faultering, • I am told that I 
must fight some gentleman of known courage, and 
who has killed several persons, and that nobody.' — 
1 Oh, Sir,' interrupted the colonel, ■ your friends do 
me too much honour , but there is a gentleman* 
(pointing to a fierce looking black fellow that was 
sitting at one of the tables), ' who has killed half of 
the regiment.' So up goes the officer to him, and 
tells him he is well informed of his bravery, and for 
that reason he must fight him. ' Who, I, Sir?' re- 
plied the gentleman, ' Why, I am the apothecary !' 

1344. — At the end of Queen Mary's bloody reign, 
n commission was granted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted 
papist, to go over to Ireland, and commence a fiery 
persecution against the Protestants of that kingdom. 
On coming to Chester, the doctor was waited upon 
by the mayor, to whom he shewed his commission 
with great triumph, saying, ' Here is what shall lash 
the heretics of Ireland.' Mrs. Edmunds, the land- 
lady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor 



JOB MILLER. 439 

went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the 
room, opened the box, took out the commission, and 
put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor 
returned, he put his box into the portmanteau with- 
out suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. 
On his arrival, he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant 
and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech re- 
lating to his business, and then presented his box to 
his Lordship ; but on opening it, there appeared a 
pack of cards with the knave of cluhs uppermost. The 
doctor was petrified, and assured the company he had 
a commission, but what was become of it he could 
not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, * Let us 
nave another commission, we will shuffle the cards 
the meanwhile/ Before the doctor could get his 
commission renewed, the Queen died, and thus the 
persecution was prevented. 

1 14$, — Wiifn Mr. Penn, a young gentleman, well 
known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park 
Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred 
guineas, with the honourable Butler Danvers, several 
gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it 
to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, it was a pity 
that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn 
had, should be incessantly playing these unaccount- 
able pranks. ' It is so/ said her grace, ' but why 
don't you advise him better? He seems to be a pen 
that every body cuts, but nobody mends.' 

1316. — David Hume and R. B. Sheridan 
crossing the water to Holland, when a high gale aris- 
ing, the philosopher seemed under great apprehen- 
sion lest he should go to the bottom. ■ Why,' said 
his friend, ' that will suit your genius to a tittle ; as 
for my part, I am only for skimming the surface!' 

13-47. — Daven'port, a tailor, having set up his 
carriage, asked Foote for a motto. ' There is one 
from Hamlet,' said the wit. ' that will match you to 
a button-hole; List, list! oh list !' 



JOE MILLER. 

1340. — Lord Bacon says, reading makes a full 
aian, writing an exact man, and conversation a ready 
man. 

1349. — Sir Thomas More being asked by an im- 

Sertinent author his opinion of a book, Sir Thomas 
esired him by all means to put it in verse, and bring 
him it again, which no sooner was done, than Sir 
Thomas looking upon it, said, ' Yea, now it is some- 
what like ; now it is rhyme ; before it was neither 
rhyme nor reason.' Whence the proverb, ■ It is 
neither rhyme nor reason.' 

1350. — Quin sometimes said things at once witty 
and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of 
Charles I., ' But by what laws,' said his opponent, 
' was he put to death !' — ' By all the laws that he had 
left them.' 

1351. — As a lame country schoolmaster was hob- 
bling one day to his school-room, he was met by a 
certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. 
Having declared his name, he added, ' and I am mas- 
ter of this parish.' — ' Master of this parish !' observed 
the peer, ' how can that be V — ■ 1 am master of the 
children of the parish,' said the man ; ' the children 
are masters of their mothers : the mothers are the 
rulers of the fathers, and consequently 1 am master 
of the whole parish.' 

1352.— 'Pray, Mr. Hopner,' said lady C , 

1 how do you limners contrive to overlook the ugliness 
and yet preserve the likeness V — ' The art, madam,' 
replied he, * may be conveyed in two words : where 
nature has been severe we soften ; where she has 
been kind, we aggravate.' 

1353.— Lad v F had arrived to so extreme a 

degree of sensibility, that seeing a man go by with a 
mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried out to her com- 
panion, ' Do turn aside, it distresses me above mea- 
sure to see that poor unfortunate wheelbarrow with 
one leg/ 



JOE MILLER. 441 

1354. — A sailor had just returned from the West 
Indies, and sitting, half seas over, in a tap-room at 
Wapping, saw a crowd on the opposite side the way ; 
and, on inquiring the cause, was told it was a Qua- 
ker's funeral. ' A funeral,' says Jack, ' that's new 
to me ; when one of our messmates slips his cable, 
we hoist him overboard in a blanket, but I never 
saw one packed up in a box and directed before, so 
I'll reconnoitre him.' Accordingly he followed the 
crowd to the place of interment. The funeral ce- 
remony of the Quakers consists in the mourners rang- 
ing themselves on one side of the grave, and waiting 
a certain time for the inspiration of the spirit. Hav- 
ing taken their station, Jack reeled to the other side, 
and there observed the contortions of their faces in 
silent surprise. At length, one of them, being moved 
by the spirit, made a long face, and drawled out, 
* Alas ! there is no happiness on this side the grave.' 
On which Jack, whose patience was exhausted, ex- 
claimed, ' Then, d — n your eyes, come on this side.' 

1355. — The late duchess of Kingston, who was 
remarkable for having a very high sense of her own 
dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a 
cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she 
leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked 
the fellow, ■ How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of 
quality in the street?' — ' Woman of quality,' replied 
the man. ■ Yes, fellow,' rejoined her grace, 'don't 
you see my arms upon my carriage V — ' Yes, I do, 
indeed,' says he, ' and a pair of plaguy coarse arms 
they are.' 

1356. — A cockney complaining that he had lost 
his appetite was advised to eat oysters before dinner, 
which would be the means of restoring it. The next 
day he met his friend, and upbraided him with the 
folly of his prescription, by stating, ' that he had eat 
one hundred oysters in the morning, and did not find 
is appetite a bit better.' 

U2 



412 iok MILLER. 

1367. — Tfli old Lord Stamford taking a botile 
with the parson of the parish, was commending his 
own wine. ' Here, doctor,' said be, ' I can send a 
couple of ho — ho — ho — hounds to Fra — Fra — 
France,' (for his lordship had a great impediment 
in his speech), ' and have a ho — ho — hogshead of 
wine for 'em. What do you say to that, doctor?' — 
« Why, my lord,' replies the doctor, ■ I think your 
lordship has your wine dog-cheap.' 

1358. — A young orator having written a speech, 
which he intended to deliver on a certain occasion, 
gave it to a friend to read, and desired his opinion 
of it. The fiiend, after some time, told the author 
he had read it over three times : the first time it ap- 
peared very good, the second indifferent, and the 
third quite insipid. ' That will do,' said the orator, 
very coolly, ■ for I have only to repeat it once.' 

1339. — An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitch- 
ner's Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed at the 
smallness of the bottles, considering the high price 
of wine. One evening taking his glass with a friend 
in the coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when 
the gentleman, after apologizing to Mitchner, told 
him, he and his friend had laid a wager, which he 
must decide, by telling him what profession he was 
bred to. Mitchner, after some hesitation at the 
question, answered, ■ that he was bred to the law.' — 
•Then,' said the gentleman, ■ I have lost, for 1 laid 
that you was bred a packer.' — ' A packer, Sir,' said 
Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock, ' what could 
induce you, Sir, to think 1 was bred a packer?' — 
1 Why, Sir,' said the other, ' 1 judged so from your 
wine measures*, for I thought no man but a skilful 
packer could put a quart of wine into a pint bottle !' 

1360. — A lady asked an old uncle, who had been 
an attorney, but left off business, 'what were the 
requisites for going to law?' To which he replied, 
1 Why, niece, it depends upon a number of circum- 



MILLER. 443 

stances : in the first place, you must have a good 
cause ; 2dly, a good attorney ; 3dly, a good counsel ; 
4thly, a good evidence ; :>thly, a good jury ; o 
a good judge ; and, lastly, good luck..' 

1361.— A certain clergyman in the west of ! 
land being at the point of death, a neighbouring 
brother, who had some interest with his patron, ap- 
plied to him for the next presentation ; upon which 
the former, who soon after recovered, upbraided him 
with a breach of friendship, and said, he wanted his 
death. * No, no, doctor,' says the other, ' you quite 
mistake : it was your living I wanted.' 

136J. — A otsiLLMAN in company complaining 
that he was very subject to catch cold in oil 
another, not overloaded with sense, told him that 
might easily be prevented, if he would follow his 
directions. * I always get,' said he, ' a thin piece of 
lead out of an India chest, and fit it to my shoe for 
this purpose.' — 'Then, Sir,' says the former, ' uou are 
like a rope-da ncers pole, you hate lead at both ends.' 

1363. — Pytheas, the daughter of Aristotle, being 
asked, ' which was the most beautiful colour,' an- 
swered, ' That of modest i/.' 

1364. — Voltaire, when in London, being at f 
great rout with Lord Chesterfield, a lady in companv, 
much painted, engrossed his conversation. 
r ei field tapped him on the shoulder, saying, 
'Take care vom are not captivated." — ' My lord,' 
replied Yoltaire„ ' I scorn to be taken by an English 
bottom under French colours.' 

looS. — Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieu- 
tenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, said to him, ' The 
air of this country is good.' — ' For God's sake, ma- 
dam,' says Swift, 'don't say so in England ; if you 
do, they will certainly tax it.' 

13u6.-— King Charles II, was reputed a great 
connoisseur in naval architecture. Being once at 
Chatham, to view a ship just finished on the stocks^ 



444 JOE Mill ER. 

he asked the famous Killigrew, ' if he did not think 
he should make an excellent ship-wright T Who 
pleasantly replied, ' he always thought his Majesty 
would have done better at any trade than his own.' 
No favourable compliment, but as true a one, per- 
haps, as ever was paid. 

1367. — A fellow having been adjudged, on a 
conviction of perjury, to lose his ears; when the 
executioner came to put the sentence of the law in 
force, he found that he had been already cropped. 
The hangman seemed a little surprised. ■ What,' 
said the criminal, with all the sangfroid imaginable, 
* am I obliged to furnish you with ears every time 
you are pleased to crop me V 

1368. — Mr. William Burkitt, going one Sunday 
to church from the lecture-house, met an old Cam- 
bridge friend, who was coming to give him a call 
before sermon. After the accustomed salutations, 
Burkitt told his friend, that as he had intended him 
the favour of a visit, his parishioners would expect 
the favour of a sermon. The clergyman excused 
himself, by saying he had no sermon with him ; but, 
on looking at Burkitt's pocket, and perceiving a cor- 
ner of his sermon-book, he drew it gently out, and 
put it in his own pocket. The gentleman then said 
with a smile, ■ Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach 
for you.' He did so, and preached Burkitt's sermon. 
He, however, appeared to great disadvantage after 
Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and untuneful, 
whereas Burkitt's was remarkably melodious. • Ah !' 
said Burkitt to him archly, after sermon, as he was 
approaching him in the vestry, ' you were but half a 
rogue : you stole my fiddle, but you could not steal 
my fiddlestick.' 

1369. — A countryman residing between Arbroath 
and Montrose was in the practice of depositing small 
sums occasionally in the bank at Arbroath. At last, 
from some motive which he deemed prudential, he con- 



JOE MILLER. 445 

ceived it might be as well to make his next deposit 
in the bank at Montrose. He accordingly went 
there, and handing a certain sum across the counter, 
inquired if they would keep that for him. ■ O yes/ 
replied the banker : * What is your name V — 'What's 
your business wi' my name, Sir ? Just gi'e me a bit 
o' paper/ said the countryman, with an indignant air. 
' We cannot give a receipt till we know your name 
and place of abode,' replied the banker. ■ O'd, 

you're ower quisitive fo'k for me ! — Provost of 

Arbroath never speers my name, nor yet where I 
bide : he just gi'es me a paper at ance. Sae, Sir, 
either gi'e me a paper or my siller back again, ony 
of them you like.' — ■ Would you let us look at one 

of Provost 's papers V said the banker. ■ O, 

ay, Sir.' A receipt from the bank in Arbroath was 
now produced : in consequence of which they were 
enabled to give a proper voucher for the deposit 
• Now, Sir, could ye no dune that at first, an' saved 
yoursel' a' that fasherie V said the countryman, put- 
ting up his papers without looking at them. 

1370. — An English gentleman travelling through 
the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in 
the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the 
inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He 
knocked repeatedly with as little success ; he then 
opened the door, and walked in. On looking about, 
he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus : 
' Are there any Christians in this house V — * No/ 
was the reply, ' we are all Camerons.' 

1371. — On the morning of Sir Walter Raleigh's 
death he smoked, as usual, his favourite tobacco ; 
and when they brought him a cup of excellent sack, 
being asked how he liked it, Raleigh answered, ' As 
the fellow that, drinking of St. Giles's bowl, as he 
*ent to Tyburn, said, " that was good drink if a man 
might tarry by it." ' The day before, in passing from 
Westminster-Hall to the Gate-house, his eye had 



446 Mil. I. Kit. 

Caught Sir Hugh Heeston in the throng, and calling 
on him, requested that he would see him die to-mor- 
row. Sir Hugh, to secure himself a seat on the scaf- 
fold, had provided himself with a letter to the sheriff, 
which was not read at the time, and Sir Walter found 
his friend thrust by, lamenting that he could not 
there. ' Farewell,' exclaimed Raleigh, ' 1 know not 
what shift you will make, but I am sure to havi 
place.' In going from the prison to the sea/Fold, 
among others who were pressing hard to see him, one 
old man, whose head was bald, came very forward, 
insomuch that Raleigh noticed him, and asked, 
'whether he would have aught of him V The old 
man answered, ' Nothing but to see him, and to pray 
to God for him.' Raleigh replied, 'I thank thee, 
good friend, and I am sorry that I have no better 
thing to return thee for thy good will.' Observing 
his bald head, he continued, ' but take this night- 
cap (which was a very rich wrought one that he wore), 
for thou hast more need of it now than I.' — He as- 
cended the scaffold with the same cheerfulness he 
had passed to it ; and observing the lords seated at 
a distance, some at windows, he requested they would 
approach him, as he wished what he had to say they 
should all witness. This request was complied with 
by several. His speech is well known ; but some 
copies contain matters not in others. When he 
finished, he requested Lord Arundel that the king 
would not suffer any libels to defame him after death 
— ■ And now I have a long journey to go, and must 
take my leave.' ' lie embraced all the lords and 
other friends with such courtly compliments, as if 
he had met them at some feast,' says a letter writer. 
Having taken off his gown, he called to the heads- 
man to shew him the axe, which not being instantly 
done, he repeated, ' 1 prithee let me see it. Dost 
thou think that 1 am afraid of it 7 ' He passed the 
edge lightly over In md smiling, obseived 



JOE MILLER. 447 

*o the sheriff, ' This is a sharp medicine, but a sound 
cure for all diseases,' and kissing it, laid it down. 
Another writer has, ■ This is that, that will cure all 
sorrows.' After this he went to three several corners 
of the scaffold, and kneeling down, desired all the 
people to pray for him, and recited a long prayer to 
himself. When he began to fit himself for the block, 
he first laid himself down to try how the block fitted 
him ; after rising up, the executioner kneeled down 
to ask his forgiveness, which Raleigh with an em- 
brace did, but entreated him not to strike till he gave 
a token by lifting up his hand, 'and then, f tar not , hut 
strike home!' When he laid his head down to receive 
the stroke, the executioner desired him to lay his face 
towards the east. ■ It was no great matter which 
way a man's head stood, so the heart lay right,' said 
Raleigh ; but these were not his last words. He was 
once more to speak in this world with the same in- 
trepidity he had lived in it — for, having lain some 
minutes on the block in prayer, he gave the signal ; 
but the executioner, either unmindful, or in fear, 
failed to strike, and Raleigh, after once or twice put- 
ting forth his hands, was compelled to ask him, 
' Why dost thou not strike! Strike, man !' In two 
blows he was beheaded; but from the first, his body 
never shrunk from the spot, by any discomposure of 
his posture, which like his mind, was immoveable. 

1372. — Erasmus replied to the Pope, who blamed 
him for not keeping Lent, ' My mind is Catholic, but 
my stomach Protestant/ 

1373. — Benjamin West, President of the Royal 
Academy, when at Rome, lodged opposite the Irish 
college ; where he observed, every day, not only 
many of the students, but several of the holy father 
professors, stumble and reel about on their entrance, 
or exit, at the college gates. He was excited by cu- 
riosity to inquire of his hostess how such irregula- 
rities came to be tolerated. ' Ah ! good seignior,' 



448 JOi: MILLEft. 

answered the matron, • those holy men are afflietc-d 
with the falling sicktiess ; and it is very surprising, 
seignior, that the Almighty seems to have troubled all 
the gentlemen of that nation with the same disorder.' 

1374. — Fontenelle, being praised for the clear- 
ness of his style on the deepest subjects, said : * If I 
have any merit, it is that I have always endeavoured 
to understand myself/ 

1375. — A certain cit, who had suddenly risen 
into wealth by monopolies and contracts, from a very 
low condition of life, stood up in the pit of the 
opera with his hat on : the Duchess of Gordon whis- 
pered to a lady, ■ We must forgive that man : he has 
so short a time been used to the luxury of a hat, that 
he does not know when to pull it off.' 

1376 — A person disputing with Peter Pindar, 
said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought 
a scoundrel. — ■ I wish,' replied Peter, ' that you had 
as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.' 

1377. — A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides 
for a mangoe. As he rolled it along the table, it fell 
into a plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very com- 
mon in the East-Indies : upon which Dr. Hunter, a 
gentleman as eminent for his wit as for skill in his 
profession, neatly observed, 'How naturally man 
goes to kiss-miss.' 

1378. — There was much sound palpable argument 
in the speech of a country lad to an idler, who 
boasted his ancient family : ' So much the worse for 
you,' said the peasant ; ' as we ploughmen say, the 
older the seed the worse the crop.' 

1379. — A lady, some time ago, took her daughter 
to a boarding-school in the country, for the purpose 
of tuition ; when, after the first salutations were over, 
the matron fixed her eyes upon some worked picture 
subjects in the parlour, and pointing to one more at- 
tractive than the rest, asked, ■ What is that?' — 'That,' 
replied the tutoress, 'is Charlotte at the tomb of 



JOE MILLEK. 449 

Wcrter.' — 'Well, I vow,' rejoined the lady,' it is 
vastly beautiful. Betsy, my dear, you shall work 
Charlotte in a tub of water.' 

1380. — The Reading Fly, a coach so called, was 
one day passing along Fleet-street, when a French- 
man, lately arrived in London, was looking out at 
the window of a house opposite the Bolt-in-Tun 
coach-office. Seeing this, and having learned to read, 
and partly to speak our language, he rushed out in 
great haste, and running eagerly into the inn-yard, 
was asked what coach he wanted. * Ah !' said he, 
— ' no coach ! no coach ! — but I vants to hear the 
Fly read, that come in this diligence.' 

1381. — Ned Shuter, as was often the case, was 
reeling home one morning to his lodgings extremely 
dirty, and with a remarkably long beard, when he 
met Garrick under the Piazza. ' Heavens !' said 
David, ' Ned, when was you shaved last V — ' Shaved 
last, Davy ! egad, I can't tell, for my barber has 
turned gentleman evei since he has had a thousand 
pounds in the lottery.' — ■ But, Ned, ha! ha!' re- 
plied David, ' I never depend upon barbers — I shave 
myself every morning.' — ' I do not doubt it,' re- 
sumed Ned, ' or that you preserve the remainder of 
the lather for the next day.' 

1382. — A cockney sportsman being out one day 
amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire 
through a hedge, on the other side of which was a 
man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The 
shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the 
bird. ' Did you fire at me, Sir?' he hastily asked. 
■ O, no, Sir/ said the shrewd sportsman, ■ I never 
hit what I fire at.' 

1383. — Some persons broke into the stables be- 
longing to a troop of horse, which was quartered at 
Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every horse 
close to the rump. The captain, relating the cii- 
cu instance next day to a brother officer, said he was 



480 JOE M1LLKR. 

at a loss what to do with the horses. * 1 fancy you 
must dispose of them by wholesale, ' was the reply. 
' Why by wholesale V — ' Because you'll certainly find 
ir impossible to re- tail them !' 

i. — Tom Wbston, of facetious memory, being 
in a strolling company in Sussex, when the sua 

even less than moderate, ran up a bill of three 
shillings with his landlord, who, waiting on the co- 
median, insisted on his money immediately : ' Make 
yourself easy, my honest fellow,' said Weston, ' for 
by the gods, I will pay you this night in some shape 
or another.' — ' See you do, Master Weston,' retorted 
the landlord surlily ; ' and, d'ye hear, let it be as 
much in the shape of three shillings as possible.' 

1385 — The celebrated John Wilkes attended a 
city dinner, not long after his promotion to city ho- 
nours. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, 
a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, 
always, \vilh great deliberation, took off his wig, sus- 
pended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a 
white cotton night-cap. Wilkes, who certainly was 
a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar 
exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange 
and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with un- 
blushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked 
him whether hedid not think that his night-cap became 
him ? ' O yes, Sir,' replied Wilkes, ' but it would look 
much better if it were pulled quite over your fac< 

1586. — A physician in Milan kept a house for 
the reception of lunatics, and by way of cure, used 
to make his patients stand for a length of time in a 
pit of water, some up to the knees, some to the girdle, 
and others as high as the chin, pro >"<•</.> iusui ia?, ac- 
cording as they were more or less affected. An in- 
mate of this establishment .who happened '>}' chance, 
to be 'ietiy weii recovered, was standing- at tne uuc, 
of the ho;. sing i. gallarj. c-avab't: ride past 

with -j. i.tisfc on nis list and his spaniels alter mm, 



JUL MILLER. 451 

he must needs ask, ■ What all these preparations 
meant?' The cavalier answered, ' To kill game-' — 
1 What may the game be worth which you kill in tho 
course of a year?' rejoined the patient. 'About 
five or ten crowns.' — ' And what may your horse, 
dogs, and hawks, stand you in!' — 'Four hundred 
crowns more.' On hearing this, the patient, with 
great earnestness of manner, bade the cavalier in- 
stantly begone, as he valued his life and welfare ; 
1 for,' said he, ' if our master come and find you here, 
he will put you into his pit up to the very chin.' 

1387. — A gentleman, indisposed, and confined 
to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was 
by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his 
garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at 
a loss how to find it, thought he was to pluck up the 
post ; which he accordingly did, and carried it to his 
master, with the sun-dial, saying, ' Arrah, now look 
at it yourself : it is indeed all a mystery to me.' 

1388. — A gentleman in the West Indies, who 
had frequently promised his friends to leave off drink- 
ing, without their discovering any improvement, was 
one morning called on early by an intimate friend, 
who met his negro- boy at his door. — ' Well, Sambo,' 
said he, ■ where is your master V — ■ Massa gone out, 
sare,' was the reply. ■ And has he left off drinking 
yet V rejoined the first. ' Oh, yes, sure,' said Sambo, 
« massa leave off drinking — he leave off two-tree time 
dis morning.' 

1389. — An Irishman having been summoned to 
the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothe- 
cary, for medicines, was asked by one of the com- 
missioners what the plaintiff had from time to time 
served him with, to which he gave suitable answers. 
■ And pray,' said the commissioner, ' what was the 
last thing he served you with ? J — ' Why, your honour,' 
replied the honest Hibernian, ' the last thing he 
served me with, please you, was the summons V 



452 JOE MILLER. 

1390. — The Turkish ambassador happening to 
honour the Duke of Newcastle with an unexpected 
visit, called at his grace's house at a time when he 
was about to shave. Not willing that so great a 

Sersonage should be kept a moment waiting, the 
uke hastily ran into his excellency's presence with 
his chin covered with lather; upon which the am- 
bassador remarked to some one near, that it was no 
wonder the people of England should be so happy, 
as they were evidently governed by madmen ! 

1391. — A lady of high ton complimented the 
late King of Prussia so extravagantly, that his Prus- 
sian Majesty was rather distressed at it : she said, 
' That he was covered with glory, was the paragon 
of Europe, and, in short, the greatest monarch and 
man on earth.' — ' Madam,' replied the king, ■ you are 
as handsome as an angel, witty, elegant, and agree- 
able ; in short, you possess all the amiable qualities ; 
but you paint.' 

1392. — The Duke of Grammont was the most 
adroit and witty courtier of his day. He entered one 
day the closet of Cardinal Mazarine without being 
announced. His eminence was amusing himself, by 
jumping against the wall. To surprise a Prime 
Minister in so boyish an occupation was dangerous ; 
a less skilful courtier might have stammered excuses, 
and retired. The duke entered briskly, and cried, 
* I'll bet you one hundred crowns, that I jump higher 
than your eminence ;' and the duke and cardinal 
began to jump for their lives. Grammont took care 
to jump a few inches lower than the cardinal, and was, 
six months afterwards, Marshal of France. 

1393. — A Jew came to the Court of King's Bench 
to justify bail for 1800/. ; when, on the usual ques- 
tions being asked him, if he was worth 1800/. and 
all debts paid, he replied, * My lords, upon my vord, 
dis is a very great shuin : and, as I am not really 
vort de half, I vill not justify, my lords, for it ; but 



Jot MILLER. 453 

as de attorney here did give me 20/. bank-note to 
justify, vat vod your lordships have me do vid de 
monies V The Earl of Mansfield, who seemed struck 
with the answer, immediately replied, ' You are an 
honest Jew, and I would advise you by all means to 
keep the note!' which Mordecai Israel accordingly 
did ; and, as his lordship was going out of court, the 
Israelite, with many bows and scrapes, said, ' I hum- 
bly thank your lordship, for you are the first who 
ever called me an honest Jew.' 

1394. — A publican blowing the froth from a pot 
of porter which he was bringing to a customer, the 
gentleman struck him. Boniface eagerly asked why 
he struck him ? ' Why/ replied the gentleman, * I 
only returned blow for blow.' 

1395. — Some school- boys meeting a poor woman 
driving asses, one of them said to her, ■ Good morn- 
ing, mother of asses !' — 'Good morning, my child/ 
was the reply. 

1396.— Dr. South, when he resided at Caversham, 
in Oxfordshire, was called out of bed on a cold win- 
ter's morning by his clerk, to marry a couple who 
were then waiting for him. The doctor hurried up, 
and went shivering to church ; but, seeing only an 
old man of seventy, with a woman about the same 
age, and his clerk, he asked the latter, in a pet, 
where the bridegroom and bride were, and what that 
man and woman wanted. The old man replied, that 
they came there to be married. The doctor looked 
sternly at him, and exclaimed, ' Married !' — ' Yes, 
married!' said the old man, hastily ; 'better marry 
than do worse.' — ' Go, get you gone, you silly old 
fools !' said the doctor, ' get home, and do your 
worst.' And then hobbled out of church in a great 
passion with his clerk, for calling him out of bed on 
such a ridiculous errand. 

1397. — A frolicsome youth, who had been riding 
out, on approaching Merton College, which he had 



454 jor. M1LLBE. 

ts* ver before visited, alighted, and, sans ceremonie, put 
his horse into a field thereto belonging. Word was 
immediately sent to him that he had no right to put 
his horse there, as he did not belong himself to the 
college. The youth, however, took no notice of his 
warning, and the master of that college sent his man 
to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse 
there, he would cut off his tail, ' Say you so?' said 
the wag : ' go tell your master, if he cuts off my 
horse's tail, I will cut off his ears.' The servant re- 
turning, told his master what he said. Whereupon 
the master went himself, and in a great passion, said, 
1 How now, Sir, what mean you by that menace you 
sent me V — ' Sir,' said the other, ' 1 threatened you 
not, for I only said, if you cut off my horse's tail, I 
would cut off his ears.' 

1398. — On the day for renewing the licenses of the 
publicans in the West Riding of Yorkshire, one of 
the magistrates said to an old woman who kept a little 
alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any perni- 
cious ingredients into the liquor ; to which she re- 
plied, ' There is naught pernicious put into our barrels 
but the exciseman's stick !' 

1399. — Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of 
the privations they had often undergone ; when one 
of them said, he hud slept for weeks on rough boards, 
with a wooden pillow ; the other observed, that was 
a comfort compared to what he had endured, having 
I night after night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish 
fisherman, who was in company, observed, it was all 
bother and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed 
of oysters. 

1 100.— A MM feilow, who got a livelihood by 
fiddling at fairs and about the country, was one day 
nurt by an acquaintance that had not seen him a trreat 
while, who accosted him thus: ' Bless me! what, 
are you alive V — ' Why not V answered the fiddler ; 
* did you send anv body to kill ine V — ' No,' replies 



JOR MILLFR 455 

the other, * but 1 was told you was dead.' — ' Aye, so 
it was reported, it seems,' says the fiddler, ' but I 
knew it was a lie as soon as 1 heard it.' 

1401. — Mr. M , the artist, was reading the 

paper the other day, while his boy, who has the daily 
task of preparing his palette for him, was rubbing in 
the various tints ; when the boy suddenly stopped, 
and with an anxious look said, ■ Piay, Sir, I have 
heard so much about it, will you have the goodness 
to tell me what is the Colour S Morbus V 

1402.— -It is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that 
when in one of his leisure hours he was unbending 
himself with a few friends in the most playful and 
frolicksome manner, he observed Beau Nash ap- 
proaching ; upon which he suddenly stopped ; — 
* My boys (said he), let us be grave : here comes 
fool.' 

1403. — A gentleman, stopping one evening at an 
inn in the north of England, said to the maid-servant 
who waited on him, and who seemed nearly exhausted 
with the fatiguing duties of her situation, ' I have no 
doubt, Sally, but you enjoy your bed when you get 
into it.' — ' Indeed, no, Sir.' she replied ; * for as soon 
as I lie down at night, I am fast asleep, and as soon 
as I awake in the morning, I am obliged to get up : 
so that I have no enjoyment in my bed at all.' 

1404. — A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury, 
lately excused himself by note from a dinner party 
by alleging that he was 4 engaged in taking the senses 
of his parish.' 

1 105. — Daft Willie Law, was the descendant of 
an ancient family, nearly related to the famous John 
Law, of Lauriston, the celebrated financier of France. 
Willie on that account was often spoken to, and taken 
notice of by gentlemen of distinction. Posting one 
day through Kirkaldy, with more than ordinary speed, 
ne was met by the late Mr. Oswald, of Dunnikier, 
who asked him wheie he was going in such a hurrv- 



456 JOE MILLER. 

'Going/ says Willie, with apparent surprise, ■ I'm 
gaen to my cousin Lord Elgin's burial.' — ' Your 
cousin Lord Elgin's burial, you fool ! Lord Elgin's 
not dead,' replied Mr. Oswald. ' Ah.deil ma care,' 
quoth Willie, ' there's sax doctors out o' Embro' at 
'im, and they'll hae him dead afore I win forat.' 

1406. — Dr. Johnson once called upon Mr. Gar- 
rick, in Southampton-street, and was shewn into his 
study ; but unfortunately the door being left open, 
he strayed into an adjoining room, which contained 
all the novels and lighter works, which had been 
presented as elegant tributes to this admired actor. 
Johnson read first a bit of one, then another, and 
threw all down ; so that, before the host arrived, the 
floor was strewed with splendid octavos. Garrick 
was exceedingly angry at finding Johnson there ; and 
said, ■ it was a private cabinet, and no company was 
admitted there.' — ' But/ says Johnson, ■ I was deter- 
mined to examine some of your valuables, which I 
find to consist of three sorts, stuff, tras/i,and nonsense.' 

1407. — It does not seem to be generally known 
that the studious among the ancient Greeks were 
always accustomed to walk into the fields or gardens 
with a tablet and stylus suspended by a cord or 
ribbon from their neck. When any new thought or 
image came over their mind, their waxen memoran- 
dum-book and iron pencil were ever ready to register 
it, and prevent oblivion. Euripides, a man of strong 
passions but severe manners, was one day looking 
intently upon one of these tablets, in the public 
gardens, when a celebrated courtezan, who was 
passing, inquired what he saw there to fix his atten- 
tion so? ' Something/ he replied, ' more beautiful 
than your face.' 

1408. — The Chancellor Aguesseau wrote a work 
on Jurisprudence, in four volumes, in the quarter of 
an hour his wife each day kept him waiting for his 
dinner. 



JOE MILLER. 457 

1409. — When Mr. Justice Park was at Harrow- 
gate, a year or two ago, he had occasion to write to 
town. Before dating his letter, remembering that 
Harrowgate is spelt both with and without the w, he 
called the waiter, and, in his usual hesitating manner, 
said, ■ Pray, waiter — is there — a — w in Harrow- 
gate?' — ' Oh, Sir,' said the moral waiter, astounded 
at such a query from a grave old gentleman : ' Oh, 
Sir, we never allow any such doings in this house V 

1410. — Malherbe, who prided himself on his 
blunt honesty, was one day shewn by a courtier some 
poetry, which stated that France moved out of her 
place to receive her king. * Now this must have 
happened in my life time/ said Malherbe ; ' but upon 
my word, Sir, I do not recollect it.' 

1411. — In one of the sittings of the national con- 
vention, Lanjuinais spoke against arbitrary arrests. 
The deputy Legendre, a butcher by profession, ob- 
serving him insist upon his argument, cried out in 
a menacing tone, and with fierce gesticulation — 
1 Descend from the tribune, or I will knock you on 
the head/ Lanjuinais replied with cool irony — 
1 Cause me to be decreed an ox, and you shall knock 
me on the head !' 

1412 — I have a very favourable opinion (says an 
old author) of that young gentleman who is curious 
in fine mustachios. The time he employs in adjust- 
ing, dressing, and curling them, is no lost time ; for 
the more he contemplates his mustachios, the more 
his mind will cherish, and be animated by, masculine 
and courageous notions. 

1413. — At one of the Holland-house Sunday 
dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crockford's Club, 
then forming, was talked of ; and the noble hostess 
observed, that the female passion for diamonds was 
surely less ruinous than the rage for play among 
men. ' In short, you think/ said Mr. Rogers, ' that 
tubs are worse than diamonds. 1 This jcke excited a 
X 



458 JOE MILLER. 

laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote 
the fol lowing! mpromptu scrmonet — most appropriately 
on a card : 

Thoughtless that ' all that's brightest fades/ 
Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, 

The Sexton and his Subs : 
How foolishly we play our parts ' 
Our wives on diamonds set their hearts. 

We set our hearts on clubs ! 

1414. — Amasis, a man of humble origin, was the 
favourite, and afterwards the successor of Apries, 
king of Egypt. Finding himself somewhat despised 
by the people on account of his mean extraction, he 
hit upon this method of curing their folly : he caused 
a golden basin in which he used to wash his feet, to 
be converted into the statue of a god, and had it set 
up in a conspicuous part of the capital. The super- 
stitious multitude flocked to worship it. Amasis now 
told them that the object of their veneration had 
once been nothing but a vile utensil ; ' and,' said he, 
' it is the same with me : I was formerly a humble 
individual — I am now your king. Take care, there- 
fore, to respect me according to the station I now 
hold.' 

1115. — Captain Morris, whose Bacchanalian 
songs are well known, was in his advanced age com- 
pelled to exist on a small income. The Duke of 
Norfolk, whose table he had for many years gladden- 
ed, if not graced, was one evening lamenting very 
pathetically to John Kemble, over the fifth bottle, 
the precarious state of Charles Morris's income : John 
did not like at first to tell the Duke plainly what he, 
an a wealthy man, ought to do ; but when the sixth 
bottle was produced, Kemble arose ' like a tower,' 
and broke out, as Jack Bannister tells the story, into 
a sort of blank-verse ipeech, into the numbers of 
which he always fell, when nearly drunk. As Ban- 



JUL MILLLR. 

nister relates it, the speech was as follows, true, as 
Kemble ever was, to the very rhythm of Shakspeare : 

' And does your grace sincerely thus regret 

The destitute condition of your friend, 

With whoin you have passed so many pleasant hours? 

Your Grace hath spoke of it most moviugly. 

Is't possible the highest peer o* th' realm, 

Amidst the prodigalities of fortune, 

Should see the woes which he would not relieve ? 

The empty breath and vapour of the world, 

Of common sentiment, become no man : 

How should it then be worthy of your Grace? 

But Heaven, Lord Duke, hath placed you in a sphere, 

Where the wish to be kind, and being so, 

Are the same thing. A small annuity 

From your o'erflowing hoards ; a nook of land, 

Clipped from the boundless round of your domains, 

Would ne'er be felt ' a monstrous cantle out / 

But you would be repaid with usury ; 

Your gold, my Lord, with prayers of grateful joy ; 

Your tields would be overflowed with thankful tears, 

Ripening the harvest of a grateful heart.' 

It is almost needless to say what every body knows 
— that the Duke at once granted the prayer of the 
actor's petition. 

1416. — The Rabbins make the giant Gog or 
M I ;og contemporary with Noah, and convinced by 
his preaching. So that he was disposed to take the 
benefit of the ark But here lay the distress ; it by 
no means suited his dimensions. Therefore, as he 
could not enter in, he contented himself to ride upon 
it astride. And though you must suppose that, in 
that stormy weather, he was more than half boots 
over, he kept his seat, and dismounted safely, when 
the ark landed on Mount Ararat. Image now to 
yourself this illustrious Cavalier mounted on his 
hackney : and see if it does not bring before you the 
Church, bestrid by some lumpish minister of state, 
who turns and winds it at his pleasure. 



460 JOh MILL EM. 

1417.— The distinctive quality of Hallo's character 
was disinterestedness. Content with the comforts 
which his patrimony procured, he always shewed a 
marked predeliction for pauper practice ; and even 
when his high reputation had gained him, as it were, 
in spite of himself, a brilliant list of patients, he dis- 
played the greatest ingenuity in the invention of 
pretexts for the refusal of his fees. Not only (as is 
indeed the common practice) did he refuse to accept 
them from his friends, his professional brethren, his 
acquaintance, and his most distant relations ; he 
even excluded entire classes from the number of those 
from whom he would submit to receive them. Among 
these he reckoned artists, 'because,' he said, ' as the 
son, the brother, and the nephew of artists, he con- 
sidered them all as his relations ;' and ecclesiastics, 
1 for,' said he, ' if they are poor, they owe me nothing ; 
if they are rich, their surplus belongs to the poor.' 
In a word, he would scarcely accept of remuneration 
except from a member of the privileged classes. 

1418. — A gallant soldier was once heard to say, 
that his only measure of courage was this ; ' Upon 
the first fire, I immediately look upon myself as a 
dead man ; I then fight out the remainder of the day, 
as regardless of danger as a dead man should be. 
All the limbs which 1 carry out of the field 1 regard 
o much gained, or as so much saved out of the 
fire.' 

)-l\9. — A physician attending a lady several 
tin.es, had received a couple of guineas each visit; 
at last, when he was going away, she gave him but 
one ; at which he was surprised, and looking on the 
floor, as if in search of something, she asked him 
what he looked for. ■ 1 believe, Madam,' said he, 
' J have dropt a guinea.' — ' No, Sir,' replied the lady, 
* it is I that have dropt it.' 

14VO.— The Persian musicians appear to have 
known the art of moving the passions, and to have 



JOE MILLER. 461 

generally directed their music to the heart. Al Fa- 
rabi, a philosopher, who died about the middle of 
the tenth century, on his return from the pilgrimage 
of Mecca, introduced himself, though a stranger, at 
the court of Seifeddoula, sultan of Syria. Musicians 
were accidentally performing, and he joined them. 
The prince admired him, and wished to hear some- 
thing of his own. He drew a composition from his 
pocket, and distributing the parts amongst the band, 
the first movement threw the prince and his courtiers 
into violent laughter ; the next melted all into tears ; 
and the last lulled, even the performers, asleep. 

1421. — When Pallas, the celebrated naturalist, 
offered his collection of minerals to the Russian go- 
vernment, he demanded, after calculating its value, 
the sum of 10,000 rubles for it. Catherine herself 
examined the collection ; and, taking the letter 
which M. Pallas had addressed to the government, 
wrote on the margin in reply — ' M. Pallas is a learned 
mineralogist, but a very bad calculator : we direct 
that he be paid 20,000 rubles for his collection.' 

1422. — The extravagant compliments that are 
considered ordinary civilities by the natives of Hin- 
dostan, astonish and puzzle the European stranger. If 
totally unacquainted with oriental manners, he recoils 
at their outrageous adulation, and is sure to regard it 
as the most insulting irony. When the late Marquis 
of Hastings was visited by one of the Rajahs of the 
northern provinces, his Lordship inquired after his 
health. ? Heavens !' exclaimed the Rajah, • how can 
your Lordship ask such a question : in the presence 
of so gFeat a man who could be ill V 

1423. — Though the accounts left us of the con- 
dition of authors in antiquity are very obscure, it 
is quite clear from many passages, and especially 
from one in Martial, that they sold copies of their 
works : but that what we call copyright was wholly 
unknown. The copyists (librarii) were altogether 



l>.: JOB MILLER. 

distinct from the booksellers (bibliopoles). The fol- 
lowing, forming part of the 118th Epigram, is the 
passage referred to: — ' Whenever I meet you, \.\i- 
percus, you say to me, «* Allow my slave to call on 
you for the purpose of getting your volume of Epi- 
grams, and I will return it when I have read it." Do 
not give your slave the trouble, is my reply. My 
lodging is at a great distance, and I occupy the third 
floor. You will find what you want much nearer. 
You go often into the district of Argiletum. There 
and near Caesar's place you will find a shop, the 
doors of which are covered with the names of poets ; 
enter and ask for me, giving yourself no concern 
about Atrectus, the shopkeeper ; and from the first 
or second shelf a Martial will be handed to you, po- 
lished and embellished with purple ornaments, for 
which he will demand of you five denarii — " Eh \" 
you rejoin, "you are not worth so much." — Lupercus, 
you are right.' 

1424. — The fashion of shaving the beard was first 
introduced into Greece about the time of Alexander 
the Great. It was at first, however, regarded as a 
mark of effeminacy, and was only practised by low 
persons and fops. The great musician Timotheus 
wore a very long beard ; and Diogenes one day meet- 
ing a man with a smoothly shaven chin, inquired of 
him whether he shaved as a reproach to nature for 
having made him a man and not a woman ? 

1425. — " I asked the little shabby bare-footed boy, 
our guide, (says an American traveller) whether he 
worked at awool-manuf;ictory we were passing. ' No,' 
said he, rather bluntly *I go to school ; my father's 
a squire.' Thinking 1 did not hear correctly, I re- 
peated the question, and received the same answer. 
* And pray what is a 'squire — what does he do?' — 
' Oh, he attends sessions, trials, and hears causes.' — 
1 A nd what may your father do at other times ?' — ' He 
aunts Mr. , at the tavern there, in the bar!' " 



JOE MILLER. 463 

1426. — Lord Kellik was like his prototype Fai- 
staff, not only witty himself, but the cause of wit 
in other men. Mr. A. Balfour, the Scottish advocate, 
and a man of considerable humour, accompanied 
by great formality of manners, happened to be one of 
a convivial party, when his lordship was at the head 
of the table. After dinner he was asked to sing, but 
absolutely refused to comply with the pressing soli- 
citation of the company. At length Lord Kellie told 
him that he should not escape ; he must either sing 
a song, tell a story, or drink a pint bumper. Mr. B. 
being an abstemious man, chose rather to tell a story 
than incur the forfeit. ■ One day, (said he in his 
pompous manner) a thief in the course of his rounds 
saw the door of a church left invitingly open. He 
walked in thinking that even there he might lay hold 
of something useful. Having secured the pulpit 
cloth, he was retreating, when, lo ! he found the door 
shut. After some consideration he adopted the only 
means of escape left, namely to let himself down by 
the bell rope. The bell of course rung — the people 
were alarmed, and the thief was taken just as he 
reached the ground. When they were dragging him 
away, he looked up, and emphatically addressed the 
bell, as I now address your lordship, Had it not been, 
said he, for your long tongue, and your empty heud, 
I should have made my escape !' 

1427. — One day Dean Swift observed a great rab- 
ble assembled before the deanery door, in Kevin 
street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it he 
was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He 
immediately sent for the beadle and told him what 
he should do. Away ran Davy for his bell, and 
after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled 
out — ' O, yes, O yes ! all manner of persons here 
concerned are desired to take notice, that it is the 
dean of St. Patrick's goodwill and pleasure, that the 
eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow ! so God 



46*4 j<>E MILLER. 

save the King and Ins reverence the Dean.' — The 
mob upon this dispersed ; only some Irish wit more 
shrewd and cunning than the rest, said with great 
self-complacency, that ■ They would not lose another 
afternoon, for that the dean who was a very comical 
man might take it into his head to put off the eclipse 
again, and so make fools of them a second time.' 

1428. — During the reign of Toryism a celebrated 
Tobacconist, residing not one hundred miles from St. 
James's Street, called upon Lord E — in the way of 
business. The conversation taking a political turn, 
the knight of pigtail and short-cut ventured to make 
some cutting remarks on the impolitic measures of 
the government in the exaction of taxes; the minister 
at length getting into a rage which he had not suf- 
ficient strength of mind to dissemble, rose from his 
seat and ringing the bell, observed, • you are a pretty 
fellow truly to talk to me in this manner about politics; 
go home, Sir, and grind your snuff.' To this tory retort 
this small pounder of a cabinet minister, the worthy 
tobacconist, coolly yet sarcastically replied — * Grind 
my snuff! — 'Tis better to grind snuff than grind the 
^.ople. — The people are at length getting up to snuff.' 

1429. — Poor Washee was so pestered with a Ro- 
man Catholic missionary that he consented to turn 
Christian. He was duly baptized, and the priest 
changed his heathen name of Washee to that of the 
apostolic John. One of the duties imposed on him was 
to eat no meat but fish on Friday; which he very much 
objected to, and only promised to observe through 
fear of eternal punishment. The following Friday 
however the priest called on the negro, and found 
him busily employed upon a fine rump steak. The hor- 
rified catholic was commencing a long sermon, when 
master blackee exclaimed, — ' Dis no meat, massa, 
dis fine fish.' — 'How — how.' — 'I'll tell you — you 
baptize poor Washee — you sprinkle water in his face, 
and say vour name no more Washee — you called 



JOE MILLER. 4fi5 

Senco ford John. — Well, massa, me baptize beef-take 
— ine sprinkle water on it — me say, your name no 
more meat, you called henceford fish.' 

14^0. — Michael Angelo, the great sculptor and 
poet, (for some of his sonnets and other pieces are 
extremely grand and beautiful) early evinced a strong 
inclination for the art. His progress was so asto- 
nishing that at the age of fourteen he is said to have 
rivalled, and even been able to correct the drawings 
of his master Domenico Ghirlaudajo. When he 
was an old man one of these drawings being shewn 
to him, he modestly said, 'In my youth I was a bet- 
ter artist than I am now.' — His quickness of eye was 
wonderful, he used to say that a sculptor should carry 
his compass in his eye ; the hands, indeed, said he, 
do the work, but the eye judges. Of his power of 
eye he was so certain that having once ordered a block 
of marble to be brought to him he told the stone-cut- 
ter to cut away some particular parts of the marble, 
and to polish others. Very soon an exquisite figure 
starts out from the block. The stone-cutter looking 
amazed. — ' My friend,' says Michael, ■ what do you 
think of it now V — * I hardly know what to think of it,' 
answered the astonished mechanic, ■ it is a very fine 
figure, to be sure. I have infinite obligations to you* 
Sir, for thus making me discover in myself a talent 
which I never knew I possessed.' — Angelo, full of 
great and sublime ideas of his art, lived very much 
alone, and never suffered a day to pass without hand- 
ling his chisel, or his pencil. When some person 
reproached him, with living so melancholy and soli- 
tary a life, he said, ' Art is a jealous mistress, she re- 
quires possession of the whole heart.' 

1431. — As the Commandeur de Sillery, who was 
ambassador from France to the Pope, was one day 
walking with the Venetian ambassador, in the Square 
before the beautiful church of the Giesii at Rome, — 
(where it appears there is always air, even in the 
X 8 



46*7 JOE M1LLBB 

hottest day of summer) he said to him— 4 What an 
odd thing it is that there should always be somel 
of a breeze here, can your excellency account for it V 
— ' Perfectly well/ replied the Venetian, 'upon a tra- 
dition that has long been current in this city. The 
devil and the wind were one day walking together 
in the streets of Rome, when coming to the Jesuit's 
College, in this place, the devil said to the wind, 
" Pray be so good as to stay here a minute or two, 
I have a word to say to these good fathers within." — 
The devil, as the story goes, never returned tohis com- 
panion, who has been waiting ever since for him at 
the door !' 

1432. — A boy having run away from school to go 
to sea, his friends wrote to him, ' that death would 
be perpetually staring him in the face ;' to which lie 
replied, * Well, what of that, every ship is provided 
with shrouds.' 

1433.— A FM-FTiors fellow having unwittingly 
offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he 
was no * Gentleman.' — * Are ym a Gentleman V 
asked the droll one. — ■ Yes, Sir,' bounced the fop. 
1 Then I am very glad I am not,' replied the other. 

14)4. — Thomas Fuller, the historian, so well 
known for his quaint sayings and bright points, was 
one day riding with a gentleman named Sparrow- 
hawk. The name roused his fancy, and he asked him 
what was the difference between ' a Sparrowhawk 
and an owl?' — ' Why, Sir,' replied his companion, 
4 the owl IB fuller in the head, fuller in the body, 
and fuller all over.' 

1455. — An oi»l Spitalfields weaver a short time 
ago returned by one of the Dover coaches to town, 
who very much amused his fellow travellers by his 
singular inquiries and droll remarks. As the coach 
was descending Chatham Hill, h" discovered, as he 
stooped to pick up his gin bottle, that the wheel was 
locked — in a great fright, he bawled out, * Coachman ! 



JOB MILLER. 467 

stop coachman! vy ve don't go on, the veel don't 
go round.' 

1436. — Some caution is requisite in passing our 
opinion upon strangers — a caution, howevei, which 
few of us adopt. At a public levee at the Court of 
St. James's, a gentleman said to Lord Chesterfield, 
' Pray, my Lord, who is that tall awkward woman 
yonder V — ' That lady, Sir,' replied his Lordship, 
'is my sister!' The gentleman reddened with confu- 
sion, and stammered out, ■ No — no, my Lord— I beg 
your pardon — I meant that very ugly woman who 
stands next to the Queen.' — 'That lady, Sir,' answered 
Lord Chesterfield calmly — ' that lady, Sir, is — mtf 
wife V 

1437. — A lady meeting a girl who had lately left 
her service, inquired — ' Well, Mary, where do you 
live now?' — ' Please, Ma'am, I don't live no where 
now,' rejoined the girl, ' I'm married !' 

1438. — Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of 
wine made up for the deficiency of port by the live- 
liness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, 
one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his 
friend, said, ' If this nut could speak, what would it 
say?' — * Why,' rejoined the other, 'it would say, 
give me none of your jaw.' 

1439. — Nicolini, the dramatic writer, no less en- 
thusiastic in his politics than in his poetry, was li- 
Varian to the Grand Duke of Florence. He re- 
quested his discharge. ' Why so, Nicolini V said 
Ferdinand. ■ Highness ! my sentiments are adverse 
to the occupation,' answered he, ■ and I never mount 
this stair-case but with abhorrence. Let me plainly 
say it, I detest the service of princes !' The Grand 
Duke was surprised at language so intemperate ; 
but, knowing that Nicolini was an irreproachable 
man, and that nothing was remoter from his cha- 
racter than ingratitude, he replied, 'Well, Nicolini, 
if you insist on your discharge, you must have it. I 



468 JOE MIILER. 

have nothing to say, when your conscience and feel- 
ings will not permit you to retain the office.' With- 
in four or five days, his younger brother was pro- 
moted to the rank of captain ; and, going to court 
on the occasion, the Grand Duke asked him very 
particularly how the elder did, without the slight- 
est reference to what had passed, and mentioned 
him as a very worthy man, and one whose talents 
did honour to his family and his country. Soon 
afterwards, a new place was created for the repub- 
lican, more congenial to him, that of lecturer to the 
Academy of Painting and Sculpture. In this manner 
did Ferdinand treat his subjects whose sentiments 
were adverse to his form of Government. Never 
has any man approached so near to a command which 
no one has executed, Love those who curse you. Good 
nature, patience, forbearance, reconciliation of one 
family to another, the reverse of what is assumed for 
a motto by many rulers, were his daily practices. 

1440. — The Grand Duke (Ferdiuand of Florence) 
was much occupied in building, and was often out 
of doors among the labourers. He was watching 
them one day, (for masons, of all workmen, want 
watching the most,) when a bucket-full of rubbish 
was thrown down, and covered him from head to 
foot. Something of pain was added to his surprise, 
and, uttering one exclamation, he hurried toward 
the palace-door on the side of the garden. The la- 
bourer heard a voice, and looking down, and seeing 
a hat on the ground, covered with mortar, he de- 
scended the ladder from curiosity. Turning his body 
from it, the first object he beheld was the Grand 
Duke, standing against the wall under the scaffold- 
ing, and wiping his shoulder with his handkerchief. 
The labourer threw himself on his knees, — implored 
forgiveness, — prayed the Virgin to soften his heart, 

could never have supposed that his Highness was 

below. ' It is well it was I,' replied the good man 



JOE MILLER. 469 

in the midst of this, and still wiping his shoulder and 
his sleeves ; ■ say nothing about it.' For he knew 
that, if it had happened to a prime minister or a 
prime menial, the poor creature of a mason would 
have been dismissed. And, perhaps, he suspected it 
might happen so ; for some days afterwards he asked, 
1 How many were at work V and (when it was told 
him) * Whether the same number had been there 
constantly?' Inquisitive man, how he idled and tri- 
fled ! and at a time when the first princes and opera 
dancers in the world were at the Congress of Vienna, 
fixing the fate of nations ! 

1141. — At a doctor's shop, a few doors from 
Westminster Bridge may be seen written up, the 
following notification : — ' J. R , Surgeon, Apo- 
thecary, Accoucheur, and Chemist to the King.' 

1442. — ' You find me older,' observed Louis XIV. 
to Peirre Mignard, the painter, as he sketched the 
likeness of the King. ' Some campaigns only, please 
your Majesty,' replied the skilful artist. 

1443. — Hollar, the celebrated engraver, died, as 
he had for the greater part of his life lived, in the 
greatest poverty. Within a few days of his dissolu- 
tion bailiffs were sent to seize the bed on which he lay, 
for a small debt which he was unable to discharge. 
' Spare me,' said the expiring artist, ■ my bed for a 
little while — only till I find another in the grave.' 

1444. — ■ I was charmed,' says Lord Orford, ' with 
the answer of a poor man in Bedlam, who was in- 
sulted by an apprentice, because he would not tell 
him why he was confined. The unhappy creature 
at last said, ■ Because God Almighty has deprived 
me of a blessing which you never had.' 

1445. — A certain bishop having recently con- 
ferred a piece of preferment on an able and amiable 
divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote 
to his son, who is at school at Brighton, announcing 
the circumstance ; adding, how extremely kind tbe 



470 JOE Mil LER. 

bishop had been in giving him a stall ; to which the 
youth returned the following answer : * Dear father, 
I am extremely glad to hear of your preferment — 
now the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps 
you will keep another horse.' 

1446. — Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in 
winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in 
furs, asked him how he could endure to go so ? The 
man of many wants replied, ' Why, Sir, you go with 
your face bare ; I am all face.' A good reply, for a 
regular beggar, whether taken in a jocose or a phi. 
losophical sense. 

1417. — ' How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy V 
said a St. Bartholomew's surgeon, after taking off 
the arm of an Irish basket-woman — ■ How do I find 
myself? why, without my arm — how the devil else 
should I find myself?' was Mrs. Judy's reply. 

1448. — Mr. Justice P , a well-meaning, but 

particularly prosing Judge, on one of his country 
circuits, had to try a man for stealing a quantity of 
copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to 
mention the 'copper,' which he uniformly called 
1 lead,' adding, ■ I beg your pardon, gentlemen — 
copper ; but I cant get the lead out of my head !' At 
this candid confession the whole court shouted with 
laughter. 

1449. — Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so 
long-headed as they themselves imagined, met one 
day at the turning of a street, and ran their heads 
together unawares. The shock was rather stunning 
to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and laying 
his hand on his forehead, said, ' Sic a thump! my 
heed's a' ringing again.' — ' Nae wonder,' said his 
companion, 'your heed was aye Boss (empty ), that 
makes it ring ; my heed disna ring a bit.' — ' How 
could it ring,' said the other, ' seeing it is crachet ? 
Cracket vessels never ring.' Each described the 
other to a T. 



JOB MILLER, 471 

1450. — At the Middlesex Sessions, a boy was 
called as a witness in a case of assault, and before 
he gave evidence, Mr. Const, the Chairman, asked 
him if he knew the nature of an oath. The boy said 
he did. 'Have you learnt your Catechism?' in- 
quired the Chairman. ■ Yes,' said the boy. ' Does 
not one of the commandments forbid you to lie V 
— ■ Yes, Sir,' said the boy. ■ What are the words 
of that commandment 1* asked the Chairman. ' Thou 
shalt not commit adultery, Sir,' answered the boy. 
The answer created a roar of laughter in Court. 

1451. — Sir William Curtis lately sat near a 
gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the ex- 
cellence of the knives, adding, ' that articles manu- 
factured from Cast steel were of a very superior qua- 
lity, such as razors, forks, &c.' — ■ Aye,' replied the 
facetious Baronet, ' and soap too — there's no soap 
like Castile soap.' 

1452. — A miller, who attempted to be witty at 
the expense of a youth of weak intellects, accosted 
him with, ' John, people say that you are a fool.' 
To this, John replies, ■ 1 don't know that I am, Sir ; 

I know some things, Sir, and some things I don't 
know, Sir.' — ' Well, John, what do you know?' — 

I I know that millers always have fat hogs, Sir.' — 
' And what don't you know V — ' I don't know whose 
corn they eat, Sir.' 

1453. — The late Cecil, of St. John's, Bedford-row, 
was, as is well known, a shrewd observer of men and 
manners. One day he met, in the course of his 
walks, an Italian with a box of plaster medals. 
They were superior even to Bani's best. Cecil, who 
was also a man of some taste in the fine arts, ap- 
preciated them at once, and told the artist that he 
might soon make a fortune by his casts. The poof 
fellow could not make bread by them. Cecil was 
amazed, and asked, if he had exhibited them pro- 
perly ? ' Ah, Sair,' said the Italian, ' dere is no 



472 JOE MILLER. 

getting on here vitout a monkey and a feedle.' Cecil 
did not forget this Being some time after, at a 
Committee of ways and means in behalf of a Humane 
Institution, the funds of which were declining, one 
member said, ' We must have a popular preacher to 
the Chapel of the Institution, or we shall not get on.' 
Another said, * We must have a new organ, too, or 
we shall not get on.' — ' True,' said Cecil, ■ as the 
Italian said, there is no getting on here without a 
monkey and fiddle.' He then told his story, which, 
by the way, cuts wider and deeper than he seems to 
have discerned at the time. 

14") 4. — When Dr. Ehienberg (the Prussian tra- 
vellerj was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, ■ I sup- 
pose you are quite happy now ; the country looks 
like a garden, and every village has its minaret.' — 
'God is great!' replied the peasant; 'our master 
gives with one hand and takes with two.' 

14.S:). — Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When 
he buried his wife, a friend asked him why he ex- 
pended so much money on her funeral? 'Ah, Sir!' 
replied he, c she would have done as much, or more, 
for me, with pleasure.' 

1456. — A gentleman travelling through France 
during summer, ordered his servant to wake him at 
six o'clock in the morning. When at that hour the 
man entered the bed-room, his master inquired, ' what 
sort of weather is it V The sleepy servant drew open 
what, in the dark, appeared to him a window-shutter, 
and replied, ' Monsieur, il nefait point de tinn ; elil 
sent le f'romugp — Sir, there is no weather at all ; and 
it smeils of cheese.' He had opened a waiter's store 
cupboard. 

1457, — DiOGENEf once said to Ari^tippus, * If you 
could eat cabbages, you would not have to pay your 
court to the great ,' to which Aristippus replied. ' If 
you could pay your court to the great, you would not 
have to eat cabbages.' 







JOE MILLER. 473 

1 458. — ' Before I begin to drink, my business is 
over for the day.' — ■ My business is over for the day 
when I begin to drink/ 

1459. — A witty poet, no longer living, being one 
day brought up to Bow-street for some nocturnal 
squabble, the following dialogue took place between 
him and the presiding magistrate : ' How do you live, 
Sir?* — ■ Pretty well, Sir, generally a joint and pud- 
ding at dinner.' — ■ I mean, Sir, how do you get your 
bread?' — ' I beg your worship's pardon ; sometimes 
at the baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop !' 
1 You may be as witty as you please, Sir,' retorted the 
magistrate, ■ but T mean simply to ask you how you 
do V — ' Tolerably well, I thank your worship, I hope 
your worship is well !' 

1460. — A prudent poet, about the beginning of the 
civil, or rather uncivil troubles for men of his kidney 
in England's rebellious days, was asked as he lay on 
his death-bed, how he would be buried? ' With my 
face downward, for in a while this England will be 
turned upside down, and then I shall be right.' 

1461. — In Shakspeare we find a very whimsical 
portrait of the character of Graziano in the Merchant 
of Venice, by his friend Bassanio ; such as would 
have made an excellent motto for the title page of 
Boswell's Life of Johnson, and ought to have been 
prefixed to every edition. Nothing could more hap- 
pily apply to the character of the biographer : — 
1 Graziano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more 
than any man in all Venice : his reasons are as two 
grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff ! you shall 
seek all day e'er you find them ; and when you have 
them they are not worth the search.' The learned 
and facetious Lord Monboddo was once conversing 
on this last topic : ■ I have lived,' said his lordship, 
! to see my country humbled in arts, and humbled in 
arms : but I never expected to have seen Scotland 
humbled to the admiration of Dr. Samuel Johnson.' 



474 JOB MILLER. 

1462. — It was once inquired, ' Why men sooner 
gave to poor people, than to poets and scholars.' — 
1 It is,' said one, ' because they chink they may sooner 
come to be poor than either poets or scholars.' 

14t>3. — The characters of nations are sometimes 
observable in their modes of saluting. In some of 
the southern provinces of China they say, * Yafaa ? — 
Have you eaten your rice?' their content depending 
upon a sufficiency of that article. The Dutch, being 
great eaters, have a morning salutation of, ' Smaakelyk 
eetenl— May you eat a hearty dinner?' — and another 
arising out of their early nautical habits, ■ Hae vaart 
nwe? — How do you sail?' The usual salutation at 
Cairo is, ' How do you sweat?' a dry hot skin being 
indicative of ephemeral fever. A proud stiff Spaniard 
says, ' Come esta ? — How do you stand ?' while the 
levity of the Frenchman appears, ■ How do you carry 
yourself?' 

1464.— In an old drama on the subject of the 
Deluge, Noah summons his wife into the ark, and on 
her refusing to come in, swears at her by John the 
Baptist. 

1465. — In a debate upon some projected improve- 
ment of the streets of Edinburgh, the Dean of Faculty 
wittily said that the forwardness of the clergy, and 
the backwardness of the medical faculty had spoiled 
the finest street in Europe, alluding to the projec- 
tion of the colonnade of St. Andrew's church on 
St. George's street, and the recession of the medical 
hall. 

1466. — At the new Tivoli at Paris, some experi- 
ments have been made upon a Spaniard for the pur- 
pose, we presume, of ascertaining what degree of heat 
it takes to bake a man alive. A person named Mar- 
tinez, about forty-three years of age, was put in'o • 
cylindrical oven, which had been heated four bonis 
by a very powerful fire. Here he remained fourte< n 
minutes, with a fowl roasting by his side. When j nt 



JOB miL:.cr. 475 

in a^ain, he ate the fowl and drank a bottle of wine. 
At tne third experiment, he was stretched upon a 
plank stuck round with lighted candles, but had re- 
mained only five minutes, when the horrified specta- 
tors drew him out alive and merry amidst the suffo- 
cating fumes of the melted tallow. 

1467. — Illicit traffic is carried on to a great extent 
in the department of the Rhine by dogs educated for 
that purpose. In the district of the Sarreguemines 
alone, from March 1827 to March in the year 182^, 
58,277 dogs crossed the Rhine on this unlawful pur- 
suit. Of these, 2477 lost their lives in the adventure ; 
but the remaining .i5.800 got clear off with their spoil, 
barking a hoarse laugh at the custom house officers. 
It is supposed that they carried with them 140,000 
kilogrammes of contraband goods. 

1468. — Louis XVI. was an excellent locksmith : 
Ferdinand the Beloved is famous for his embroidery 
of petticoats. The present Emperor of Austria is 
said to make the best sealing-wax in Europe. He 
examines, with care, the seal of pvery letter brought 
him, and is delighted when he can say, as he gene- 
rally does, ' My own wax is better than that !' It is 
a pity that the employments of kings are not always 
as innocent. Ferdinand would have no doubt made 
an excellent linen-draper's shopman, had he been 
placed where nature designed him to be fixed ; and 
the representative of the Caesars would have made an 
excellent managing clerk in the house of certain 
wholesale stationers. 

1469. — ' Lord Eldon should leave all his property 
to endow a madhouse,' said Jekyll to Lord R. Sey- 
mour, in talking of the late discussions respecting 
the law of the insane. ' A madhouse !' said Lord 
Robert; 'why so V— 1 His lordship gained his fortune 
by those who were mad enough to go into Chancery ; 
it would only be an act of restitution, if he were to 
leave it to Bedlam.' 



476 JOB WILLCR. 

1470. — ' Why, you have never opened your mouth 
this session,' said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. 
' I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas,' replied Mr. Gye ; 
* your speeches have made ine open it very frequently. 
My jaws have ached with yawning.' 

1471. — Peter the Great was jealous to fury. He 
once broke to pieces a fine Venetian glass in one of his 
frenzies, saying to his wife, ' You see it needed but 
one blow of my arm to make this glass return to the 
dust whence it came !' Catherine answered with her 
natural gentleness and sweetness, ' You have de- 
stroyed the finest ornament in your palace ; do you 
think you have made it more splendid V 

147 L J. — A circumstance lately happened at Am- 
herst Island, which shews that nil desperandum is a 
good rule in the most desperate circumstances. A 
tiger breaking into a shed, in which a colt and a 
pony were sheltered, killed the former. The pony 
then attacked the tiger, and pummelled him so 
heartily with his heels about the head and ribs, that 
he knocked out some of the monster's teeth, and all 
his courage, for he had just strength enough to crawl 
to a nullah hard by, where he was found by the na- 
tives shortly afterwards, as he appeared so much 
bruised that he could hardly move. They accordingly 
fell upon him, and killed him with bludgeons. Pre- 
vious to this, five horses had been killed near the spot. 

1473. — Bonaparte, on being applied to against 
the exorbitant contributions levied by General Mas- 
sena, said, ' If I had two Massenas I would hang the 
one as an example to the other.' — ' Then hang Ge- 
neral Secchj, who is as bad as Massena.' — 'I am 
sorry, gentlemen, that you should have fixed on two 
men I cannot at this moment dispense with ; but if 
you can point out any other less exorbitant, I'll have 
him hanged immediately.' 

1474. — Th I two brothers Fosadoni lived at Venice. 
The Abb6 was a man of great literary knowledge, 



lOE MILLER. 477 

and a distinguished poet. On their father's death 
they divided between them the patrimonial property. 
One entered into commercial speculations, and 
thereby very much increased his funds ; the Abbe\ 
of a far more generous disposition than his brother, 
was little calculated to follow his example ; but in- 
stead of accumulating his wealth, by his benevolence, 
which was always prone to assist the poor, and miti- 
gate the general wants of suffering humanity, and by 
the encouragement he afforded, in particular, to those 
of his own profession, he was soon reduced to the 
necessity of calling on his brother for assistance ; 
whereupon his brother replied, ' Foreseeing the result 
of all your literary pursuits, I have laid aside eight 
hundred ducats for your funeral expenses, when it 
may please God to call you unto his good keeping, 
that you should not disgrace the family name in 
being buried by the parish .' to which the Abbe* 
Fosadoni replied, ' Send me half that sum now while 
I am living, and at my death I will give you a receipt 
in full of all demands, for value received.' 

1475. — Lord Alvanley is not only a wit among 
lords, but a lord among wits. He has all the piquancy 
of Brummel's dialogue, combined with a suavity of 
manner peculiarly his own. On one occasion Lord 
Alvanley had promised a person 100/. as a bribe, to 
conceal something which would have involved the 
reputation of a lady. On that person's application 
for the money, his Lordship wrote a check for 25/. 
and presented it to him. ' But, my Lord, you pro- 
mised me 100/.' — 'True,' said his Lordship, ■ I did 

so ; but you know, Mr. , that I am now making 

arrangements with all my creditors at 5s. in the pound. 

Now you must see, Mr. , that if I were to pay 

you at a higher rate than I pay them, I should be 
doing my creditors an injustice !' 

1476. — When Lord Alvanley was staying at Lord 
Cowper's, a box with the Royal Arms on it arrived, 



478 IOE MILI.KR. 

and, when opened, was found to contain four pine- 
apples, the magnificent gift of the generous Prince 
Leopold. 4 1 wonder/ said Lady Cowper, * that the 
Frince should send us pines ; there are plenty of 
pines here ; besides, though we have seen him, we 
don't know him.' — ' Oh, depend on it,' said Lord 
Alvanley, ' he wants to spend a month at Pensan- 
gar ; he'll be down soon after his pines ■ so, if you 
want to prevent him, send him up in return four 
rabbits: they are as rare in town as pines here !' 

1477. — The founder of the Sforza family, and 
father of Francesco, the first Duke of Milan, who 
died, about 1465, was a peasant, and following his 
labour, when he was invited by his companions to 
follow the army. He did not draw lots whether he 
should go or not, but threw his spade into an oak, 
declaring, that if it fell to the ground he would 
continue his labours ; but if it hung in the tree he 
would try his fortune as a soldier. Some bit of a 
branch intercepted its fall, and gave a father to a 
long line of princes, the most splendid sovereigns of 
Italy. 

1478. — When Brummell was the great oracle on 
coats, the Duke of Leinster was very anxious to 
l>»^]>eak the approbation of the ' Emperor of the 
Dandies' for a ' cut,' which he had just patronized. 
1 lie Duke, in the courseof hiseulogy on hisSchneider, 
had frequently occasion to use the words ' my coat.' 
— ' Your coat, my dear fellow,' said Bruminell : 
' what coat 1' — ■ Why this coat.' said Leinster ; * this 
coat that I have on.' BrummeU, after regarding the 

tinent with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to 
the duke, and taking the collar between his finger 
and thumb, as if fearful of contamination — ' What, 
duke, do you call that thing a coat? 

1479. — During the short time that Lord Byron 

in parliament, a petition, setting forth the 

wretched condition of the In t- pedantry, was one 



JOE MILLER. 479 

evening presented, and very coldly received by the 
'hereditary legislative wisdom.' — 'Ah,' said Lord 
Byron, 'what a misfortune it was for the Irish that 
they were not born black! They would then have 
had plenty of friends in both houses.' 

1480. — It was an excellent reply made to a lady 
of notorious character, by a virtuous Frenchman, 
when she tried to seduce him to the commission of a 
dishonourable act — ' Infamie, Madame, is of the 
feminine gender.' 

1481. — When ' Bob Roy' first appeared, a party 
was made at Mr. John Wilson's house at Elleray, to 
read it Mr. Wordsworth was invited, among others, 
to the party ; and, as a special inducement to go, he 
was informed that the illustrious author had chosen 
the motto for his novel from his name sake poem, 
' Rob Roy.' The verbose and venerable Laker ac- 
cordingly went ; and when the volumes were laid on 
the table, he eagerly turned to the title-page, where 
he read — 

' For why t because the good old rule 
Sufficeth them — the simple plan 
That they should take who have the power, 
And they should keep who can.' 

4 Ladies and gentlemen,' quoth the author of the 
* Excursion,' and other universally-read poems, ' you 
see this motto : it is from a poem of mine, — the 
volume containing which I have brought in my pocket; 
and lest you should not understand the novel for want 
of knowing thoroughly my poem, I mean to read my 
verses to you.' He accordingly began — 

'A famous man was Robin Hood,' &c. 

and went on to the conclusion, not even omitting a 
comma, and then putting the vivacious tome into his 
pocket again, he said, • Ladies and gentlemen, 1 leave 
you to your novel,' and walked home ' 



480 JOE MILLER. 

1482.— General O'Hara, who was taken prisoner 
by Buonaparte at Toulon, in his first military achieve- 
ment, and who was a man of sound sense, said of the 
future Emperor, * I do not know what that young 
man's future fortunes may be ; but all the questions 
he put to me, were such as Locke would have written 
down for a prime pupil to ask.' 

1483. — At the close of an election at Lewes, the 
late Duke of Newcastle was so delighted with the 
conduct of a casting voter, that he almost fell upon 
his neck and kissed him. * My dear friend ! I love 
you dearly. You're the greatest man in the world. 
I long to serve you. What can 1 do for you?' — 
* May it please your grace, an exciseman of this 
town is very old : I would beg leave to succeed him 
as soon as he shall die.' — ' Aye, that you shall, with 
all my heart. I wish, for your sake, he were dead 
and buried now. As soon as he is, set out to me, 
my dear friend ; be it night or day, insist upon see- 
ing me, sleeping or waking. If I am not at Clare- 
mont, come to Lincoln's-inn-fields ; if I am not at 
Lincoln's-inn-fields, come to court ; if I am not at 
court, never rest till you find me ; not the sanctum 
sanctorum, or anyplace, shall be kept sacred from 
such a dear, worthy, good soul as you are. Nay, 
I'll give orders for you to be admitted, though the 
king and I were talking secrets together in the ca- 
binet.' The voter swallowed every thing with ex- 
tasy, and, scraping down to the very ground, retired 
to wait in faith for the death of the exciseman. 
The latter took his leave of this wicked world in the 
following winter. As soon as ever the duke's friend 
was apprised of it, he set ofT* for London, and reached 
Lincoln's inn-fields by about two o'clock in the 
morning. The King of Spain had, about this time, 
been seized by a disorder, which some of the Eng- 
lish had been induced to believe, from particular ex- 
presses, he could not possibly survive. Amongst 



JOE MILLEn 481 

these, the noble duke was the most credulous, and 
probably the most anxious. On the very first mo- 
ment of receiving his intelligence, he had dispatched 
couriers to Madrid, who were commanded to return 
with unusual haste as soon as ever the death of his 
Catholic majesty should have been announced. Ig- 
norant of the hour in which they might arrive, and 
impatient of the fate of every hour, the duke would 
not retire to his rest till he had given the strictest 
orders to his attendants to send any person to his 
chamber who should desire an admittance. When 
the voter asked if he was at home, he was answered 
by the porter, 4 Yes ; his grace has been in bed some 
time, but we were directed to awaken bim as soon as 
ever you came ' — ■ Ah, God bless him ! I know that 
the duke always told me I should be welcome by 
night or by day. Pray, shew me up.' The happy 
visitor was scarcely conducted to the iloor, when he 
rushed into the room, and in the transport of his joy 
he cried out, ' My lord, he is dead !' — 4 That's well, 
my dear friend ! I'm glad of it, with all my soul. 
When did he die V — * The morning before last, and 
please your grace.' — ' What, so lately 1 Why, my 
worthy, good creature, you must have flown. The 
lightning itself could not travel half so fast as you. 
Tell me, you best of men, how shall I reward you V 
* All I wish for in this world is, that your grace 
would please to remember your kind promise, and 
appoint me to succeed him.' — ' You, you blockhead \ 
— you King of Spain! What family pretensions can 
you have 1 Let's look at you.' By this time the as- 
tonished duke threw back the curtains, and recol- 
lected the face of his electioneering friend ; but it 
was seen with rage and disappointment. To have 
robbed him of his rest, might easily have been for- 
given ; but to have fed him with a groundless sup- 
position that the King of Spain was dead, became a 
matter of resentment. He was at first dismissed 
Y 



4u* JOE MILLKR. 

with all the violence of anger and refusal. At length 
the victim of his passion became an object of his 
mirth ; and when he felt the ridicule that marked 
the incident, he raised the candidate for monarchy 
into a post, which, from the colour of the present 
times, may seem at least as honourable — he made 
him an exciseman. 

1484.;^-In the year 1775, Sir Joshua Reynolds 
painted a portrait of his friend, Dr. Johnson, which 
represented him as reading, and near-sighted. When 
the doctor saw it, he reproved Sir Joshua for paint- 
ing him in that manner and attitude, saying, ' It is 
not friendly to hand down to posterity the imper- 
fections of any man.' But, on the contrary, Sir 
Joshua himself esteemed it as a circumstance in na- 
ture to be remarked as characterizing the person re- 
presented, and therefore as giving additional value 
to the portrait. On this circumstance Mrs. Thrale 
observed to Johnson, 'That he would not be known 
by posterity for his defects only, therefore Sir Joshua 
might do his worst.' And when she adverted to 
Sir Joshua's own picture, painted with the ear trum- 
pet, and done in the same year, the doctor replied, 
* He may paint himself as deaf as he chooses ; but I 
will not be blinking Sam in the eyes of posterity/^*/ 

1485. — At Calcutta, the Indians, from seeing the 
steamboat stemming wind, tide, and current, have 
called it Sheitaun Koojioo, the devil's boat. An in- 
telligent Persian Syyud, wishing to compliment our 
national ingenuity, thus expressed himself : — ' When 
arts were in their infancy, it was natural to give the 
devil credit for any new invention ; but now, so ad- 
vanced are the English in every kind of improvement, 
that they are more than a match for the devil himself!' 

148o. — A country clergyman, who, on Sunday, 
is more indebted to his manuscript than his memory, 
called unceremoniously at a cottage, whilst its pos- 
sessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged in perusing 



jot Ml LI Eft. 433 

a paragraph of the writings of an inspiied prophet. 
1 Weel, J oil n,' familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, 
■ what*! this vou are about V — * I am prophesying,' 
he prompt reply. 'Prophesying!' exclaimed 
the astounded divine, ' I doubt you are only reading 
a prophecy.' — ■ Weel,' argued the religious rustic, 
' gif reading a preachin' be preachin, is na reading a 
prophecy prophesying V 

1487. — An uninformed Irishman, hearing the 
sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend, 
' Sphinx ! who's he now !' — ' A monster-man.' — ' Oh, 
a Munster-nuin! I thought he was from Connaught/ 
replied the Irishman, determined not to seem totally 
unacquainted with the family. 

1488. — Whin Dt Johnson was in the island of 
Mull, one of the Hebrides, he visited the Laiid of 
Loch Buy, who, according to the usual custom among 
the Highlanders, demanded the name of hi* guest; 
and upon being informed that it was Johnson, in- 
quired, ■ Which of the Johnston's? of Glencoe or 
Ardnamurchan V — ' Neither !' replied the doctor, 
somewhat piqued by the question, and not a little 
sulky with the fatigue he had encountered during the 
day's journey. ' Neither r rejoined the Laird, with 
all the native roughness of a genuine Highlander, 
' then i/'»u must be a bastard /' 

148'9.^5ome time after Louis XIV. had collated 
the celebrated Bossuet to the Bishopric of Meaux, 
he asked the citizens how they liked their new bi>hop. 
'Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well.' — 
' Pretty well ! why what fault have you to find with 
him V — ■ To tell your majesty the truth, we should 
have preferred having a bishop who had finished his 
education ; for whenever we wait upon him, we are 
told that he is at his studies^/ 

1490. — Previous to a late general election, two 
candidates for a northern county met in a bill- room. 
' Why do you sit still V said a friend to one of them, 



484 Joe MILLER. 

4 whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously 
with the electors' wives and daughters?' The aspirant 
for parliamentary fame, replied. ' I have no objection 
to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed to fit 
for it.' 

1491. — ' I live in Julia's eyes/ said an affected 
dandy in Colman's hearing. ' I don't wonder at it,' 
replied George ; ' since I observed she had a sty in 
them when I saw her last.' 

1492. — Wiiii st the regiment was in India, 

a sergeant obtained an ensign's commission in the 
corps. Thinking that ease of manner was requisite 
to prove him qualified for his new situation, on join- 
ing the officers after the first parade which he at- 
tended, he began to talk very loud, and in such a 
manner as to provoke some unpleasant remark from 
an old brevet-major, who had known him long as a 
Serjeant ; upon which our hero observed, that he did 
not like such language, and that he was as good a 
gentleman as the major. ' You should be better, Sir,' 
said the major, ' for things spoil by keeping, and you 
were last made.' 

1493. — Two gentlemen having wagered upon the 
number of characteristic specimens of native bril- 
liancy they should encounter in a rural excursion, 
one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the 
road : — ' My good fellow, were the devil to come now, 
which of us two would he carry away V — After a little 
hesitation, that savoured of unexpected dulness, the 
man modestly lifting up his eyes from his work, an- 
swered, * Me, Sir.' Annoyed by the stolidity of this 
reply, the querist pressed him for a reason : — ' Be- 
te, your honour, he would be glad of the oppor- 
tunity to catch myself — he could have you at any 
time.' 

1 I'M. — As Sheridan was on a canvassing visit at 
Stafford, he met in the streets one of his old voters, 
a simple but substantial burgess, with whom he had 



JOB MILLER. 485 

formerly had some dealings of a pecuniary nature. 
This man accosted him as follows: — ' Well, Maister 
Sheridan, I be main glad to see you. How be ye, 
eh?' — ' Why, thank you, my friend, very well. I 
hope you and your family are well,' replied the can- 
didate. ■ Ay, ay,' answered the elector, ' they are 
pretty nobbling ; — but they tell me, Maister Sheridan, 
as how you are trying to get a palumentary reform. 
Do ye think ye shall get it r — ' Why, yes,' said 
Sheridan, «I hope so.' — ' And so do I,' replied his 
constituent, * for then you'll be able to pay off the 
old election scores, shan't ye ?' 

1-195.— When the earl of Bradford was brought 
before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon ap- 
plication for a statute of lunacy against him, the 
chancellor asked him, ' How many legs has a sheep?' 
— ' Does your lordship mean,' answered lord Brad- 
ford, ' a live sheep or a dead sheep ?' — ' Is it not the 
same thing V said the chancellor. ' No, my lord/ 
said lord Bradford, ' there is much difference ; a live 
sheep may have four legs ; a dead sheep has only two : 
the two fore legs are shoulders ; but there are but two 
legs of mutton.' 

1 196. — A person who was famous for arriving just 
at dinner- time, upon going to a friend's ( where he was 
a frequent visitor), was asked by the lady of the house 
if he would do as they did. On his replying he should 
be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, ' Dine at 
home th*n.' — He, of course, had received his quietus 
for some time at least. 

1497. — As a worthy city baronet was gazing one 
evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion- 
house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, 
' Well Sir William, are you studying astronomy ?' 
— % No, Sir/ replied the alderman, ' 1 am studying 
g ist>onomu.' His friend looked astonished, and the 
baronet replied, ' Do you doubt my voracity ?' — ' No, 
Sir William.' 



48ti JOE MILLER. 

1498. — The duke de Mayenne had been sent to 
Spain to ask the hand of the princess, Anne of 
Austria. When he took leave of her, he asked her 
commands for the king. ' Assure him,' said the in- 
fanta, * that I am quite impatient to see him.' — * Ah, 
fiadam,' said the gouvernante, the countess de Alta- 
mira, ' what will the king of France think, when the 
duke informs him that you are so eager to be married?' 
— ' Have you not taught me,' returned the infanta 
sharply, * that I must always speak the truth V 

1499 — Upon the recovery of George III. in 1789, 
the librarian and others connected with Sion college, 
were at a loss what device or motto to select for the 
illumination of the building ; when the following 
happy choice was made by a worthy divine, from the 
book of Psalms : — 4 Sion heard of it and was glad.' 

1600. — After a hot debate, in the course of which 
Ireton had let fall some very rude expressions re- 
specting Denzil Hollis, the latter desired that he 
would walk out with him, and then told him, • that 
he insisted on his crossing the water immediately to 
fight him. 1 Ireton replied, ' that his conscience would 
not suffer him to fight a duel.' Hollis, greatly in- 
censed, pulled him by the nose, observing, that' since 
hi conscience prevented him from giving men satis- 
faction, it ought to keep him from provoking them.' 

taOi. — Cuiihan had a perfect horror of fleas ; nor 
was this very extraordinary, since those vermin 
seemed to shew him peculiar hostility. If they in- 
fested a house, he said, that ' they always flocked to 
his bed-chamber, when they heard he was to sleep 
there !' — At Carlow he was once dreadfully annoyed 
in this way, and on making his complaint in the 
morning to the woman of the house ; ' Jiy heavens ! 
madam,' cried he, ' they were in such numbers, and 
1 upon my carcase with so much ferocity, that 
it they had been unanimous, and all pulled oneway 
must have dragged rne out of bed entirely.' 



JOE MILLER. 4ti7 

1502. — At one of those large convivial parties 
which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, when 
he was secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal 
toasts, ' The wooden walls of England !' being given, 
— Sir John Hamilton in his turn gave ■ The wooden 
walls of Ireland!' The toast being quite new, he 
was asked for an explanation •, upon which, filling a 
bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the 
Marquis of Waterford and several country gentlemen, 
who commanded county regiments, he said, — * My 
lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving 
you the wooden walls of Ireland — the colonels of 
militia V 

1503 — When itwasdebated about sending bishops 
to America, much was said pro and con. One gentle- 
man wondered that any body should object to it : 
* For my part,' said he, ' I wish all our bishops were 
sent to America.*' 

1504 — Sir Thomas More for a long time having 
only daughters, his wife prayed earnestly that they 
might have a boy ; at last they had a boy, who, when 
he grew up, proved but simple. ■ Thou pray'dst so 
long for a boy,' said Sir Thomas to his wife, ■ that at 
last thou hast got one who will be a boy as long as 
he lives.' 

1'iOd. — A sailor who had served on board the 
Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after returning 
home from India, findingthat wigs were all in fashion, 
bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, 
to the great surprise of his companions. On being 
asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, 
he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Bed 
St a. 

1506. — An emperor of China, making a progress, 
discovered a family, in which the master, with his 
wives, children, grand-children, daughters-in-law, 
and servants, all lived in perfect peace and harmony. 
The emperor, admiring this, inquired of the old man 



4Mb* joe mim kr, 

what means he employed to preserve quiet among 
such a number of persons. The man, taking out a 
pencil wrote only these words : — ' Patience,patience, 
patience.' 

1607. — The Count de Grance being wounded in 
the knee with a musquet ball, the surgeons made 
many incisions. At last, losing patience, he asked 
them why they treated him so unmercifully ? ■ We 
seek for the ball/ said they. ' Why the devil did you 
not speak before !' said the Count, ' I have it in my 
pocket.' 

1508 — A regiment of horse in King William's 
time, being quartered in Canterbury, and the arch- 
bishop being then there, he invited all the officers 
of the regiment to dinner. One of the cornets being 
obliged to keep guard that day, and lamenting his 
misfortune, that he could not have the honour to dine 
with the archbishop, bethought lilniself of this strata- 
gem. He knew that one of hi^ brother cornets was 
gone out of town, and would noi return till evening ; 
he determined therefore, to wait for him at his 
lodgings, and frighten him by a false message from 
the archbi>hop. Accordingly when his comrade ar- 
rived, he addressed him thus: 'Tom, I believe I 
shall surprise you.' — ' Why,' says Tom, ' what the 
devil's the matter?' — 'No great matter,' says his 
comrade, * only the archbishop has sent for all the 
officers to hear them their catechism.' — ■ The devil 
he has,' quoth Tom, 4 then 1 am ruined horse and 
foot, for as I am a sinner [ can't say three lines.' — 
1 Never be troubled about that,' says his comrade, ' I 
can say mine every word, and if you will mount 
guard for me to-morrow, I will go in your place.' — 
4 With all my heart,' says Tom, ■ and thank you to 
boot;' so the next day they all, except Tom, dined 
with the archbishop. His lordship being a very 
polite man, told the colonel, that he hoped all his 
officers were there ; for he intended it as a general 



JOE MILLER. 489 

invitation. The colonel told him they were all there, 
except one gentleman who was obliged to mount 
guard. The archbishop took no notice of it then, but 
the next day sent his servant to the absent gentleman, 
to desire his company by himself. Tom had no 
sooner received the message, than he ran frightened 
out of his senses to his comrade to make his com- 
plaint. ■ Ah, my friend,' says Tom, ■ it is all in vain, 
I must go at last, the archbishop has sent for me.' — 
'Never mind it,' says his comrade, 'you will do 
•very well ; he did not ask us above one question or 
two.' Tom being thus prepared went to the arch- 
bishop's, where he was introduced into a parlour. At 
length his lordship came in. ■ Sir,' says the arch- 
bishop, ■ I am sorry I could not have the pleasure 
of your company yesterday ; may 1 crave your name V 
— ' Thomas, my lord,' replied the cornet. ■ What 
countryman V says the archbishop. ■ My godfathers 
and godmothers,' replied the cornet. ■ I do not 
mean to catechise you,' says the archbishop, and 
thus the cheat was discovered. 

1509. — A man of the name of Mark Noble, pass- 
ing by the garrison at Hull, the centinel, as usual, 
called out, ' Who comes there V — ■ Twenty shillings,' 
answered Mark. ■ That cannot be,' said the centi- 
nel. ' Why, a mark and a noble make twenty shil- 
lings,' says Mark. 

1510. — The captain of a West Tndiaman wished 
to buy a horse. After the purchase was made, the 
captain said, ■ Well, now the horse is mine, pray 
tell me candidly, whether he has any faults, and 
what they are.' — 'What do you mean to do with him V 
said the other. ■ Why, to take him to sea,' answered 
the captain. ' Then I will be candid,' replied the 
dealer ; ■ he may go very well at sea ; but on land 
he cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him.' 

1511. — A sailor being strongly solicited by a 
catholic priest to change his religion, the honest tar 
V t 



490 joe mili.fr. 

boldly resisted. The holy father finding that he 
could not prevail, altered his mode of attack, and 
offered him money as a reward of his apostacy ; the 
bribe rather staggered Jack's faith, and he desired 
to consider of it till next morning. ]n the interim 
he applied to a brother tar for advice, which was 
given him in the following style of blunt honesty : 
' Don't listen to him, messmate, for if your religion 
was not better than his own, and all the money he 
will give you into the bargain, he'll be d — 'd before 
he would ask you to change.' 

1512. — When the celebrated duellist, G. R. 
Fitzgerald, was in Paris, the English ambassador in- 
troduced him to the French king ; prior to which in- 
troduction the ambassador informed his majesty, Mr. 
Fitzgerald was a gentleman of such amazing prowess, 
that he had fought thirty duels, and behaved equally 
brave and honourable in them all. ' Then, I think/ 
says the king, with a smile, ■ this gentleman's life 
would make an admirable appendix to your renowned 
countryman's history of Jack the Giant Killer.' 

1513. — A roy who had not returned after the ho- 
lidays to Winchester school, which the master 
charged him to do, returned at last loaded with a 
fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the ham, 
but flogged the lad, and told him, that he might give 
his compliments to his mother for the ham, but as- 
sured him it should not save his bacon. 

1514. — Dr. Pearce, the dean of Ely, when he 
was master of the Temple, having to preach there 
one morning, preferred a walk in the gardens to sit- 
ting in the church while the prayers were reading, 
and going to the gardener's lodge, demanded en- 
trance. An old woman, who was keeping the house 
in the gardener's absence, told him the gates were 
always locked in church time, and she could not let 
him in. * Woman, do you know who I am?' said 
the doctor, bridling. ' No,' said she, with great in- 



JOE MILLLR. 491 

difference, ■ I don't know, and what's more, 1 don't 
care.' — ' Woman,' retorted the doctor, in a rage, 
* open the gates instantly — I am master of the Tem- 
ple.' — ' The more shame for you,' replied the inflex- 
ible portress, ■ the more shame for you to be walking 
here, when you ought to be praying at church.' 

1515. — An Irishman telling what he called an 
excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met 
with it in a book published many years ago. ' Con- 
found these ancients,' said Teague, ' they are always 
stealing one's good thoughts.' 

1516 — Cardinal Mazarine was wont to say 
there were great bull dogs in England, called Whigs 
and Tories, that were continually jarring and wor- 
rying each other ; but let out the bull, (the common 
enemy,) they directly left off their private feuds and 
animosities, and attacked him. 

1517 — Lewis the Fourteenth, of France, playing 
at backgamn on, had a doubtful throw ; a dispute 
arose, and all the courtiers remained silent. The 
Count de Grammont came in that instant. ' Decide 
the matter,' said the King to him. ' Sire,' said the 
Count, ' your Majesty is in the wrong.' — ' How so,' 
replied the King ; ' can you decide without knowing 
the question?' — 'Yes,' said the Count, 'because, 
had the matter been doubtful, all these gentlemen 
present would have given it for your majesty.' 

1518. — Lord Morton, having waited very long 
in the duke of Northumberland's anti-chamber before 
he could see his grace, was quite out of patience. 
The duke at last came to him, and finding him with 
Dr. Garnet's Dissertation upon Job in his hands, 
asked him what he thought of it. ' I think,' said lord 
Morton, ■ it is a very proper book for a prime mi- 
nister's anti-chamber.' 

1519. — A nobleman, who had spent most of his 
estate, had just sold a manor of an hundred tene- 
ments, an-d came to court in a rich suit. ■ Am not I 



jui; MILL. R- 

a mighty man,' said he, * that bear an bund, . 
houses on my back.' — ' You had better have paid 
your debts,' said Cardinal Wolsey, whose father was 
a butcher. 'True, my lord,' said he, 'my father 
owed your's three- halfpence for a calve's head, here is 
two-pence for it.' 

1520. — Notwithstanding the perpetual con- 
tention between Rich andGarrick for the favour of the 
town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had 
improved his house at Covent Garden and made it 
capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to 
see it, and asked him in the theatrical phrase, how 
much money it would hold. ' Sir,' says Rich, ' that 
question I am at present unable to answer, but were 
you to appear but one night on my stage, I should 
be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.' 

1521. — A very volatile young lord, whose con- 
quests in the female world were numberless, at last 
married. ' Now, my lord,' said the countess, * I 
hope you'll mend.' — ' Madam,' says he, ■ you may 
depend on it this is my last folly.' 

1522. — A mullah preaching one day in a Persian 
mosque, strongly insisted on the examination which 
the deceased have to undergo from the angels of 
death, Nekyr and Monkyr, as soon as they are de- 
posited in the tomb. ■ Don't believe a word of it,' 
cried one of the congregation, ' for one of my slaves 
died a few days since ; I filled his mouth with rice, 
and on digging him up again to-day, the rice was 
just as I left it. Now it is morally impossible for a 
man to give answers even to angels with his mouth 
full.' 

1523. — A Chinese teacher was in the habit of 
sleeping in the day-time, but would not suffer his 
pupil to nod for a moment. One day the pupil ac- 
costed him after his nap, in a complaining tone, and 
begged to know why he might, not sleep too. ' Boy !' 
says the tutor, ■ in my sleep, I dream of Cheu-kung, 



j ok mill: B 493 

and have converse with him !' The next morning, 
the pupil takes pattern by his master. The master 
giving him a rap, and rousing him, exclaims, ' For 
shame ! how can you do so V Says the pupil, ' J too 
have been seeing Cheu-hwg. 9 — ' And what did Cheu- 
kung say to youV — 4 Cheii-hung,' replies the pupil, 
' tells me that yesterday he had no communication 
whatever with my reverend master.' 

1.V24. — Lord Mt'icravf, who once went on a 
voyage to the North Pole, appears to have been dis- 
tinguished by a singularity of physical conformation 
— possessing two distinct voices; the one strong 
and hoarse, the other shrill and querulous ; of both 
of which organs he occasionally availed himself. So 
extraordinary a circumstance, probably, gave rise to 
a story of his having fallen into a ditch in a dark 
night, and, calling for aid in his shrill voice, a coun- 
tryman coming up, was about to have assisted him ; 
but Lord Mulgrave, addressing him in a hoarse tone, 
the peasant immediately exclaimed, ' Oh, if there 
are two of you in the ditch, you may help each other 
out of it V 

152.5. — Mr. Popf, was with Sir Godfrey Kneller 
one day, when his nephew, a Guinea trader came in : 
' Nephew,' said Sir Godfrey, c you have the honour 
of seeing the two greatest men in the world.' — ' I 
don't know how great you maybe,' said the Guinea- 
man, ■ but I don't like your looks, I have often 
bought a man much better than both of you together, 
all muscle and bone, for ten guineas.' 

1526. — A captain of a merchant vessel, named 
M'Carthy, had a scuffle with a wood-ranger at Ver- 
dun ; the latter complained to General Wirion, who 
commanded the depot, that M'Carthy had ill-treated 
him, knocking him down every time he attempted 
to rise. ' Mon ami,' said the general to him, 'when 
an Englishman knocks you down, never do you get 
up until he is gone away.' 



494 JOli MILLER. 

I5$7. — The late lord chancellor, in one of his 
shooting excursions at Wareham, in Dorsetshire, 
unexpectedly came across a person who was sporting 
over his land without leave. His lordship inquired 
if the stranger was aware he was trespassing, or if he 
knew to whom the estate belonged? ' What's that 
to you V was the reply. • I suppose you are one of 
Old Bags' Keepers.' — * No,' replied his lordship, 
* your supposition is a wrong one, my friend, for I 
am Old Bags himself.' 

1528. — When George IT. was once expressing 
his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed 
that the general was mad. ' Oh ! he is mad, is he I 1 
said the king with great quickness, ■ then I wish he 
would bite some other of my generals.' 

1529. — A bishop, upon his visitation, found a 
curate of the diocese so ignorant, that he knew not 
how to say the mass. The bishop enraged, asked 
him, ' Who was the ass of a bishop that gave you 
ordination?' — ' Your most illustrious lordship,' re- 
plied the curate, with a humble reverence. 

1530. — In the reign of Queen Anne, Captain 
Hardy, whose ship was stationed at Lagos bay, re- 
ceived information of the arrival of the Spanish Gal- 
leons, under convoy of seventeen men of war, in the 
harbour of Vigo ; without any warrant for so doing, 
he immediately set sail, and communicated his intelli- 
gence to Sir George Rooke, then commanding in the 
Mediterranean. The admiral instantly steered for 
Vigo, and took or destroyed the whole Spanish fleet. 
When the fight was over, Sir George sent for Cap- 
tain Hardy, and thus addressed him, * You have done, 
Sir, a very important piece of service to the throne ; 
you have added to the honours and riches of your 
country, by your indefatigable diligence ; but don't 
yor know that you are liable at this instant to be 
shot, for quitting your station?' — ' lie is unworthy 
of bearing a commission under her Majesty,' replied 



JOE MILLER. 495 

the ( ; ptain, ■ who holds his life as aight, when the 
glory and interest of his queen and country require 
bim to hazard it.' At this heroic answer, he was 
dispatched home with the first news of the victory, 
and letters of recommendation to the Queen, who in- 
stantly knighted him, and afterwards made him a 
rear-admiral. 

1531 —The battle of Sempach, in 1386, between 
the Swiss and the Austrians, was decided by one he- 
roic deed. Arnold Struthan de Winkelried, a knight 
of Underwalden, burst suddenly from the ranks. 
■ 1 will open a passage,' he cried, ' into the enemy's 
line. Provide for my wife and children, dear coun- 
trymen and confederates ; honour my race !' He 
threw himself instantly on the enemy's pikes, grasped 
as many of them as he could reach, buried them in 
bis bosom, and being tall and large of limb, bore 
them to the ground as he fell. His companions 
rushed over his body ; the whole army of confede- 
rates followed, and their close files penetrated with 
irresistible force. The enemy struck with amaze- 
ment, fell one over another in endeavouring to avoid 
their shock ; and the pressure, heat, and confusion 
thus produced proved fatal to many knights who died 
without a wound, stifled by tr»e weight of their armour. 

1532. — A late Sicilian traveller gives an anecdote 
to prove that the bigoted Catholics in that country 
begin to entertain favourable opinions of the English. 
A priest hearing a Sicilian woman say, that one of 
the officers, who happened to pass by, finely dressed, 
would ■ go to hell for all his lace,' rebuked her, and 
added, ■ as for the Turks they certainly go to hell, 
but nobody knows where the English go to /' 

1533 — Tm4 fogs of England have been at all times 
the complaint of foreigners. Gondomar the Spanish 
ambassador, when some one who was going to Spain 
waited on him to know if he had any commands, re- 
plied, ' Only my compliments to the sun, whom 1 



496 JOt MILLER. 

nave not seen since I came to England.' — Carrac- 
cioli, the Neapolitan minister used to say, that the 
only ripe fruit he had seen in England were rousted 
apples. 

1334. — Negroes are apt to steal, but are so very 
credulous, they are easily detected. Captain Young, 
of Grenada, gave a black butcher, of the name of 
Caffee, a hog to kill ; when the Captain went to see 
it, Caffee said, ' Dis very fine hog, massa, but I never 
see a hog like him in all my life, he have no liver, 
no lights.' — ' That is very strange, Caffee,' said the 
Captain, ' let me see the book.' He took a memo- 
randum book out of his pocket, turned over the 
leaves, and looked very earnest. — * I see Caffee go 
to hell bottom — hog have liver and lights.' Caffee 
shook like an aspen leaf, and said, ' O massa, Caffee 
no go to hell bottom — hog have liver and lights.' 

1535. — The old method of catching larks was to 
put salt on their tails. — The following is from a pro- 
vincial paper : — ' Many hundreds of larks, during 
the late frost, were taken alive in the neighbourhood 
of Arundel, their tails being frozen to the snow.* 

1536. — A negro in the West Indies having car- 
ried a letter from his master to a neighbouring 
planter, fell asleep on the floor, while the latter 
was preparing an answer. When it was finished, 
he desired that the negro might be awakened ; but 
this was no easy matter. The negro who attempted 
to rouse him, exclaimed, ■ You no hear massa call 
you V — ■ Sleep !' replied the poor fellow, ' sleep hab 
no massa.' 

1537. — A few years ago, a ship came into har- 
bour, at Chatham, to be paid off. One of the sailors 
being ashore, prevailed on a young woman of Ro- 
chester to accept of him as a husband, and previous 
to returning to his ship, left money with a friend to 
pay for publishing the banns, and all other inciden- 
tal matrimonial expenses. The marriage was to take 



JOE MILLER. 497 

place on the fourth Sunday following, and on the 
preceding Saturday the honest tar asked leave of his 
Captain to go on shore, which was peremptorily re- 
fused. Jack remonstrated — ' Captain/ exclaimed 
he, ' 1 am going to be married to morrow.' The Cap- 
tain told Jack that the business of the ship in his 
department was most urgent, and positively forbade 
him going on shore. Unwilling to disappoint the 
girl and lose his money, Jack wisely determined to 
marry her by proxy, and proposed to Will Treadaway, 
his messmate, to undertake that kind office : ■ And 
you, Will/ said he, ' stay with her ashore, and when 
the gangway is cleared from stem to stern, I will 
come to you.' Will goes on shore, and informing the 
girl of his friend's situation and proposal, she in- 
stantly consented, and was actually married to Will 
as the proxy of Jack ; nor did the minister discovec 
the mistake till Will wrote his name in the book> 
Treadaway instead of Salmon. The clerk cried out, 
* Why, you are not the man asked to church with 
this woman V To which the honest tar replied, first 
devoting his eyes and limbs to confirm the fact, * I 
came here to prevent my messmate being cheated, 
and I only marry the girl for Jack Salmon, my mess- 
mate, till he comes on shore.' — Three days afterwards 
Jack came on shore, when he received his spouse from 
the hands of his proxy, and lived in as much peace 
and tranquillity, as if he had originally tied the ma- 
trimonial knot in propria persona. 

15o8. — An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, 
and at the same time asked the shoemaker if he could 
tell him what would prevent them going down on 
the sides'? The shoemaker said, the only way to 
prevent that was to change them every morning. Pat 
accordingly returned the following morning, called 
for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he 
bought the day before, and was walking out of the 
shop without furthe r nonce, when the shoemaker 



498 Jot mii.i.i-.k. 

called to him to know what he was doing, telling him 
at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the 
shoes he had just bought ■ And is it what am I 
doing, you ask ? am not I doing what you told me 
yesterday, changing my shoes every morning.' 

1539. — A divine in Kent, seldom in church, but 
a rigid justice of the peace, having a vagrant brought 
before him, said surlily, ' I shall teach you law, I 
warrant you.' — * It would be much more becoming,' 
answered the fellow, * if you would teach me the 
gospel.' 

1540. — Sir Charles F received a serious 

fall one day, in stepping into his cabriolet. — 
4 Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles?' said Sir 

Peter L ; ' was it near the vertebrae V — ' No, no/ 

answered the Baronet, 4 it was near the Monument' ' 

1541. — Mention being made in the presence ot 
Louis XI. of an unlearned person, who had got a 
fine library of books ; the king said, ' He resembles 
a hump-backed person, who carries a burden on his 
back which he cannot see.' 

1542. — Diogenes, the cynic, coming once to a 
very small, inconsiderable town, with very large and 
magnificent gates, told the inhabitants 'to shut their 
gates, lest the town should run out.' 

1543. — Louis XIV. observing two courtiers riding 
full speed one after the other ; the foremost with an 
uncommon big chin, the hindmost with scarce any 
at all ; the king asked whither they were driving at 
such speed'? M. deClerambaut replied : ' The hind- 
most is in pursuit of the foremost, to recover his 
stolen chin.' 

1514. — Dryden's wife complained to him that he 
was always reading, and took little notice of her : ' I 
wish,' said she, ' I was a book, and then I shouldenjoy 
more of your company.' — * Yes, my dear,' replied 
Dryden, ' I wish you were a book- but an Almanack 
I mean, for then I should change you every year.' 



JOS MILI.Ek. 499 

1545. — A Ditch ambassador, entertaining the 
king of Siam with an account of Holland, after which 
his majesty was very inquisitive, amongst other 
things told him, that water in his country would 
sometimes get so hard, that men walked upon it; 
and that it would bear an elephant with the utmost 
ease. To which the king replied, 'Hitherto 1 have 
believed the strange things you have told me, because 
I looked upon you as a sober, fair man ; but now 
I am sure MOM lie. 1 

1546 — -A i.ono ride had one day sharpened the 
edge of Dr. Johnson's appetite, during his tour in 
Scotland, and his friend, Mr. Boswell, pushed for- 
ward to the next inn (as was his usual custom) to 
provide for the lion. The hostess and her family 
were instantly on the alert; and when Dr. Johnson 
arrived at the inn-door he was congratulated by 
Boswell with an assurance of a good dinner — 'A 
fine leg of roast mutton. Doctor, and a pudding.' — 
1 Very well, Bozzy, very well,' replied the Doctor, ■ I 
ho-,e it will soon be ready — I am very hungry.' — 
Boswell assured him it would. But the dinner not 
appearing so soon as Johnson anticipated, the 
cravings of hunger urged him into the kitchen, to 
ascertain the real state of their promised repast. — 
Pie presently returned to the parlour, and with a 
grave countenance informed his friend Boswell that 
he was very sorry he could not partake of the roast 
leg of mutton which he had so kindly provided, 
having made a vow to eat no meat on that day. — 
4 Doctor,' exclaimed Boswell, in great surprise, ■ do 
lay aside your scruples for once. Your vow, T am 
sure, is of very little consequence, as you seem not 
to have thought of it until this moment. The mutton 
is fine mutton. Do not deprive yourself of the plea- 
sure of eating it.' — ■ Dear Boswell,' replied the Doc- 
tor, ■ I am very sorry — but I dare not break my vow — 
1 cannot eat of the mutton — and must, therefore, be 



JOR MILLER, 

satisfied with the pudding.' — Further remonstrance 
Bosweil found was in vain, and concluded by hoping 
that the pudding would yield him satisfaction. — 
Dinner was at last served up, and Bosweil com- 
menced a furious attack upon the roasted joint, 
while his philosophic and scrupulous coinp n 
calmly enjoyed the pudding. — When the keenness 
of his appetite was somewhat allayed by the deep 
impressions he had made upon the mutton, Bosweil 
began to eulogize his dinner ; but this excited from 
his companion, who kept his eye fixed on his plate, 
only a significant smile. — ■ Why do you smile, 
Doctor V inquired Bosweil. ' At nothing in particu- 
lar,' was the reply ; but it was accompanied with a 
chuckle, which raised a suspicion in his "iind that 
all was not right. — Throwing down his knilt ...1 fork, 
he eagerly pressed the Doctor for an explanation, 
whose chuckle had now increased to a loud laugh. 
1 Well, Bozzy, 1 will tell you,' cried he; 'when I 
went into the kitchen to inquire iuto the state of our 
dinner, I saw the boy, who now stands behind your 
chair, turning the spit, and at the same time scratch- 
ing his head over the mutton.' — Starting from his 
seat, as if struck by a galvanic battery, Bosweil 
seized the unfortunate culprit by the collar ; ex- 
claiming, * Where is your cap, you young rascal 1 — 
what have you done with the cap you had on wheu 
I came to the house ! — why did you take it off? — 
why did you not keep it on while roasting the mut- 
ton V — ' Please, Sir,' blubbered out the terrified boy, 
1 Please, Sir, — my mother — took it off my head— to 
make — the pudding in, for the gentleman !' 



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